I Feel like I'm being taken advantage of...

[Slipper]

I love Christmas. Two of our daughters have birthdays in December. We tend to go a bit overboard for Christmas. Some years, we start shopping in the summer to make sure that we can afford everything. I do a lot of cooking in the days before Christmas so that on Christmas Day I do minimal work. We spend the day with our kids. We all play with the toys. We watch movies. We don't get out of our pajamas. I love it.

 

Several years ago, FIL and his wife (DH's step-mother) asked if they could start coming over on Christmas Day to visit with the kids. They work retail and it's the only day the businesses were closed. Grudgingly, I agreed as long as they came after lunch. They brought DH's grandmother along, and all was well.

 

A few years ago, DH's step-mother's Mother passed away right before Christmas. Her brother was in town for the funeral and she asked if she could bring him along. Of course, I said yes. I thought it was a one-time thing, but the next year he showed up in town at Christmas with a new wife. She asked if they could bring him and his wife and again, I said yes.

 

This year, she called to tell me that her only child (DH's step-brother) divorced last year and could he and his two kids come along for Christmas as well. She told me to please be honest, but she's very particular about her child. (Most moms are). I didn't feel like I could tell her no and DH said that we should be charitable, so I said fine, but to please tell me the kids ages so I could put something under the tree for them. I also told her that I was only cooking soup (they are going to show up at lunch and stay through dinner) but would have plenty of snacks. I haven't heard back from her so I'm buying generic type toys and hoping for the best. I'm also buying gifts for her brother/wife and son.

 

As I was making candy tonight, it occurred to me that I have lost MY Christmas while she has gained HER Christmas with all of her family, at my house, that I'm feeding. (Even though it's only soup and snacks, that's 6 adults and 2 kids).

 

I feel that I'm being taken advantage of and wish I hadn't agreed. I plan to tell DH that we're not doing this again next year. I want to go back to just family on Christmas and Christmas Eve (our oldest daughter's birthday).

 

I'm venting...thanks for reading.

[Jana]

Christmas is a moveable celebration. Can you move your (or their) celebration to another day?

Edited December 18, 2011 by Jana

[indigomama]

I think you sound very kind. But I'm with you, I like Christmas with just our immediate family. Since you've already agreed to have your guests this year, enjoy their company but have DH let them know that in the future you don't feel like hosting.

[Skadi]

It's not too late to have your DH (not you, he should be the one communicating this) tell her that he's very sorry, but your family is just going to have to downgrade Christmas this year.

 

He doesn't even need to go into a lengthy explanation. This should be an intimate time for your family, not a family reunion.

[eternalknot]

Good grief, she managed a good one on you - didn't she? ((hugs))

 

If it's not too late this year, make food assignments; they can each bring a snack or appetizer, surely.

 

Maybe set the stage now for next year's celebrations ... "It's been a great run, and you don't have to go home but you can't stay here!" LOL. Really, though, think about what is realistic (excluding them completely? pushing their arrival until 4-5pm/dinnertime?) and plant the idea now. In all of their heads, not just FIL's wife's head.

 

I don't normally agree with people when they say (or post) that they're being taken advantage of, but right away I could see that you were - whether that was her intention or not, it's what's happening.

[Danestress]

I don't know how close your Dh is to his step Mom, but I can't imagine ever being able to tell either set of my children's grandparents that they can't come by on Christmas. I just can't imagine enjoying my free day if I knew that they were sitting home alone so that we could have our "just immediate family" day in our pajamas.

 

At the same time, I am tired and I can totally relate to not wanting to do it. I just so want to opt out of being the provider of Christmas. But then again, I don't want to travel to anyone else's house.

 

Two thoughts. First I wouldn't say anything to your DH or his family about what will happen next year until much later in the year. It's just not necessary. If you are going to hostess this year, then don't spoil your generous provision by announcing that you won't be available in a year.

 

Then next year, I honestly think I might say, when asked about Chrismas, "We really want to see all of you, but want to keep the day easy and relaxing too. No one cares about the food. Could you come for hot chocolate in the afternoon? Say 3:00?" And then really just serve cookies and cocoa and exchange presents.

 

That way they get to see the kids, exchange gifts, etc, but you aren't having to cook all day.

 

My deal, though, is that the day AFTER Christmas is our "no company, no cooking, I don't even have to get out of my jammies if I don't want" day.

[ktgrok]

I think it would be uncharitable to not have them at all, but I understand wanting the day to yourself too. Perhaps tell them that with everything going on you will need a nap that afternoon, so could they come by closer to dinner time? Heck, tell them you husband needs a nap, that might work. I think if you could stay in jammies until around 4pm, then have an easy dinner of snacks. or even frozen pizzas, that would be a good compromise.

 

Maybe even say "if you guys bring the dessert and wine we will supply pizza."

[Catwoman]

It's not too late to have your DH (not you, he should be the one communicating this) tell her that he's very sorry, but your family is just going to have to downgrade Christmas this year.

 

 

If you want to be sure your dh's efforts are effective, tell him to be sure to include the words "highly contagious" and "bubonic plague" into the conversation a few times. And if you can also work in something along the lines of, "we don't know how the flesh-eating bacteria ended up in our kitchen" in there as well, all the better. ;)

 

 

PS. I think you're stuck for this year, but maybe you could turn it into a shorter celebration, like brunch or dessert, instead of a whole-day affair. I see no reason why they should all have to stay for both lunch and dinner; that's quite an imposition.

Edited December 18, 2011 by Catwoman

[Rosie_0801]

Why are you buying presents? I can't imagine that it is necessary to buy presents for unrelated, uninvited people's children. I understand why you might want to, but unless you know the parents are also buying for yours, a nice lolly bag for theirs is quite sufficient. And you are quite entitled to tell them to bring a dish to share.

 

Rosie

[gardenmom5]

My sister started a new tradition. they left town, it became something they looked forward to.

 

with any luck, your "I'm only cooking soup" will have discouraged her and they won't show.

[Mommyof4ks]

In these situations I always try to think about how I want to be treated as grandma on holidays. If you are fine with your kids excluding you on Christmas (and many people are, so I am not saying it is right or wrong), then reclaim your Family Christmas. We keep the morning for our family and from lunch on we invite family to come by if they like on Christmas day. We run around like crazy the days leading up to Christmas, and I am tired by Christmas day, so we try not to travel anywhere that day. Everyone who comes by brings a snack food, and I have drinks available. It is a very low key day for us no matter who comes by.

[ma23peas]

I certainly understand your feelings...I am more inclined to have them all come and share! How many times a year do you have the opportunity to be with extended family? With homeschooling, I see my children everyday...and technically we could pick days to stay in pjs if we wanted to...do that on Christmas Eve have a pj party for daughter and embrace the blessing of having family...they will not always be there.

[Starr]

Couldn't you go over to their house for dinner?

[MindyD]

I don't think I'd say she's taking advantage of you. She could very possibly think everyone is a happy with this arrangement. Couldn't you do the pajama day the day after Christmas? I guess I'm coming at this from the perspective of having great memories of going to my grandparents' house every Christmas. It was so special for all of us to see aunts, uncles, cousins, and our grandparents. My grandfather is in the late stages of alzheimer's now so I cherish those memories even more now because I know we'll never be able to recreate those times. Sorry to spinoff...Anyway, if it really bothers you, change things up next year. You could suggest going to their house on another day or invite them over for dinner on another night. It doesn't HAVE to be Christmas day after all.

[Slipper]

Thanks for the kind comments. :) They live about two hours away so coming and going is a big deal. My oldest (with autism) doesn't do well when we travel and is usually a nightmare around other people's decorations. I typically watch her while DH helps the other two when we go places. If she's completely melting down, we go sit in the car or an empty bedroom until things are finished.

 

Our middle daughter has Celiac Disease and we all eat gluten free, especially on holidays. (That's not an exclusive rule, but typically we eat the same thing). Other relatives do not take her diet seriously and if she eats elsewhere (or something they bring) she is sick, always. When she has a reaction, it can last for up to two weeks of vomiting and diarrhea.

 

Both of our families are divorced and re-married. They do not get along. The tension of trying to figure out who was going to come when and whether they would compete for the kids' attention was stressful. For a while, we would have Christmas Eve dinner at his Dad's house, spend the night at his Mom's, go to my Mom's for brunch and my Dad's for lunch. Sometimes we were so tired that we didn't open our gifts until the day after.

 

I understand that people think I'm harsh to not allow visitors on Christmas Day. I had all of them over for Thanksgiving and we schedule 'Christmas' time as best we can, but not on that day. We find that our time with relatives is more relaxed and 'quality'. They are all very kind people individually, but my Dad is jealous of his Dad (his Dad is more 'fun'), my mother tries too hard to impress his mother, his mother worries about upsetting my mother, his Dad doesn't understand that when he is playing with the kids they aren't visiting other relatives (and then I'm scolded by my Dad for not intervening so they all have a turn). On Thanksgiving, we invite them all and if they argue we tell them to take it outside. I want peace for Christmas.

 

I'm going ahead with this year as I've already agreed to it. Next year will be different. I do think I should relax my Christmas Eve stance but I need my Christmas back. I could even live with someone coming over late afternoon, but then there are accusations of favoritism unless we rotate relatives.

[MindyD]

:grouphug: That doesn't sound fun at all. I'm so glad my family doesn't have much drama!

[Myeightkiddies]

This year it seems that things are already in motion. However, start having a dialogue with your dh and/or your relatives in preparation for next Christmas. Don't wait until Thanksgiving to address Christmas.

 

Without knowing her intent, I can't say whether she is purposely taking advantage of you. She may want all the relatives together and figures that she is saving you the time and effort of going some where. In her mind she may think this is in your favor. Though, it could be the opposite. She may feel that this is a beneficial set-up for herself. She can get her family together and not bother hosting it. It's hard to say. But the certain thing is that you don't want this, at least not every year. Speak up. Just do it before Thanksgiving, in order for people to make other arrangements (October would be fine or September even).

[Myeightkiddies]

Oops..I forgot to give you a hug. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Coffeetime]

You are under no obligation to live through ridiculous stress on the holidays because a bunch of adults can't act like grown ups. I think your boundaries before were appropriate, and next year you should simply redraw them. As far as this year goes, you're kind of stuck at this point. But you should definitely do your pajama-laze-around-day the day after! We actually do that every year on the day after Christmas. It's something we all look forward to. :)

[Catwoman]

I understand that people think I'm harsh to not allow visitors on Christmas Day.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I don't think that at all. I think you should enjoy your Christmas the way that works best for you, your dh, and your kids.

[bnrmom]

We spend Xmas eve with my inlaws, which is a somewhat formal affair at my mil's house. It's super fun, no complaints. Xmas Day we are in our pjs all day. I make no formal dinner. I make some brunch type food, appetizers to snack on and a ham. It's all set out as it's ready and people graze as they please. I don't serve or set the table. My mom and sister ar here and they are cool with that.

 

I have told my inlaws that they are welcome to come by, but I am very clear about what the day looks like, and I don't change a thing. If they are expecting dinner, too bad. Grab a plate and help yourself.

[regentrude]

I don't see this as "being taken advantage of". They ASKED. One even asked you specifically to be honest. You told each of them "yes".

How are they supposed to know you meant "No" if you don't say it?

 

I don't say you should have all those visitors if it does not work for your family. But you need to tell them that it does not work. Otherwise you can't really blame them for coming.

[JFSinIL]

On the other hand, by having the relatives over in the afternoon, you are teaching YOUR kids that it is good to have relatives over on Christmas. Someday

those kids will have moved on and have their own families - do you want to hear them tell YOU not to come, that Christmas is only for their nuclear family???

 

Just a thought (my kids are 20, 18, 15 and I can see the future coming at me like a freight train....)

[Lisbeth]

I am getting to the point in which I want to be The Kranks and go away for Christmas. Some day. A girl can dream.

 

I think you probably are being taken advantage of. (Sorry about my grammar.) I'd NOT buy gifts for the other kids, just a goodie bag with candy as someone else said. I would suck it up this year but say NO in the future. I would start early setting expectations.

 

:grouphug: I think there is NOTHING wrong in wanting your own immediate family Christmas.

[ma23peas]

Ah, clarification helps better...I would just be honest, tell them that having so many people to please on that holiday is just tough...but set it up NEXT Thanksgiving...a time when you are all together and having a good time, if you do it this Christmas there will be resentment that you really did not want them there....no need to add to their sensitivities.

[Slipper]

I don't see this as "being taken advantage of". They ASKED. One even asked you specifically to be honest. You told each of them "yes".

How are they supposed to know you meant "No" if you don't say it?

 

I don't say you should have all those visitors if it does not work for your family. But you need to tell them that it does not work. Otherwise you can't really blame them for coming.

 

Close. :) My Step-MIL asked (she's the only one asking). Each time. I told her yes the first few times because there were extenuating circumstances. When she asked about her son, I struggled with the yes because I knew she would be offended with a 'no'. I mentioned that somewhere - she is very particular about her son (and most parents are). No matter how nice one tells a person that their child and grandchildren can't come over, it's going to offend.

 

I think good manners should have dictated that she shouldn't even ask. We do not interact with her brother and his wife except when they come over at Christmas. They are nice people, but we never knew the brother existed until 3 years ago. We also do not interact with her son (DH's step-brother) or his kids unless we bump into them at FIL's house. These are not people who would be invited, or gifted or Christmas carded any other year. It occurred to me last night that basically everyone Step-MIL would want to have around her at Christmas will be, which makes this her perfect Christmas, but not mine. That's what I meant by being taken advantage of - she's not a mean person, I think she sub-consciously arranged things to her liking.

 

The first few years are understandable - I try to make exceptions when I know that others are having a difficult time. I just think it's getting carried away.

[Starr]

On the other hand, by having the relatives over in the afternoon, you are teaching YOUR kids that it is good to have relatives over on Christmas. Someday

those kids will have moved on and have their own families - do you want to hear them tell YOU not to come, that Christmas is only for their nuclear family???

 

Just a thought (my kids are 20, 18, 15 and I can see the future coming at me like a freight train....)

 

:iagree:

This really hits as your dc enter the older teen years.

[Slipper]

:iagree:

This really hits as your dc enter the older teen years.

 

Is it bad that I prefer to think of them as never growing up? ;)

[Mimm]

Aw, I think it's kind of sweet that everyone wants to come hang out at your house for Christmas. :) They obviously like you and you are only making soup and snacks so it's not like they are coming because you worked your fingers to the bone in the kitchen for three days straight. :) Maybe ask them to bring something to help feed people and enjoy expanding your tradition? I dunno. I'm from a big family and while there are many things I didn't like about a big family, holidays were the best time to be part of one.

 

For my Christmas, I have four brothers, a sister and a nephew coming for Christmas morning gift opening. In the afternoon, we go to my inlaws house. My MIL welcomes as much of my family as wants to come. She doesn't feed people a sit down dinner, but has lots of food to "graze" on. Every year, I'm SO thankful that she is so hospitable.

 

When I was in my parents' home, on Christmas Eve they invited tons of people over (and we did cook for days to feed everyone). We sometimes had 60 or more guests and some of these people are people we only saw once a year. We had people say they look forward to our Christmas Eve all year long and it really put them in the mood for Christmas.

[2squared]

Is it possible that your FIL & Step-MIL are a little at odds over the holiday? If she can't invite her son to your house, would she feel like FIL is getting to see his family but she isn't getting to see her family? And....if the son is visiting them, is it possible that she feels rude to leave them behind while they go to your house? I dunno. It seems like maybe the FIL & Step-MIL may be trying to figure out how to make it work for both sides of their family.

[Twigs]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Slipper]

Is it possible that your FIL & Step-MIL are a little at odds over the holiday? If she can't invite her son to your house, would she feel like FIL is getting to see his family but she isn't getting to see her family? And....if the son is visiting them, is it possible that she feels rude to leave them behind while they go to your house? I dunno. It seems like maybe the FIL & Step-MIL may be trying to figure out how to make it work for both sides of their family.

 

That's possible. And honestly, I would love having them over the day after Christmas and wouldn't be offended in the slightest if they spent Christmas with her son. Part of the problem is that FIL owns a business and there are very few days that he can be 'off' of work.

 

I've been trying to figure a way out of next Christmas without offending anyone. (I'm trying to figure out a way to host a Christmas holiday without it falling precisely on Christmas Day, even if I have to give up Christmas Eve).

 

If both her son and brother are visiting on Christmas Day, I'd rather her stay there with them than bring them here. I know it's very un-Christmasy of me, but I try very hard to be a great hostess when I have guests. I don't want to host on Christmas, I want to spend time with the kids.

[Murphy101]

I wouldn't buy extra gifts.

I would not have them from lunch through dinner. Invite them for dinner ONLY, they can come over at 3pm or later.

Is it possible she is wanting to invite her whole family because her husband is adament about being with his family? IOW, is there a marriage dynamic at play here that has nothing to do with you?

 

And I agree with a pp. The day when you own children might decide they'd rather not have the hassle of you over for christmas is closer than you think. Think carefully of what memories of Christmas you want them to grow up to recreate...

[Shelly in IL]

The whole divorced parents thing is a nightmare, isn't it? My parents are still married, but my husband's mom has been married 3 times and is now married to a man who has been married 4. I'm sure his family is lovely, but at this point, my dh and I don't care to get to know/ meet them. We live out of state and choose to spend what little time we have with family to be spent with family. It is all so awkward. They celebrate with his family separately, also, so there is no big snub. It would be very weird for current mil's spouse to show up here with his extenededs...

[mirth]

If my kids want to be alone on 12/25 but are happy to have me over all day on 12/24 or 12/26 or 11/24 or really any other day of the year, I would be fine with that. It's one day. It will be okay. OP, tell them next year you made a mistake and should have said another day is better. Or you could go the bubonic plague route but that is being dishonest (and they would have to be reminded about "the ilnnesses" next time they are all together) and not a tradition I would want the kids to adopt.

[momma aimee]

I'd tell her

 

"we'd love to see you all on the 26th [or the 24th]" and SMILE!! and simply keep redirecting the consevration to the 24th or 26th -- and say "that let's you have christmas with you son and his kids" and SMILE

 

be the b&tch if necessay -- you owe it to your own kids

[momma aimee]

In these situations I always try to think about how I want to be treated as grandma on holidays. If you are fine with your kids excluding you on Christmas (and many people are, so I am not saying it is right or wrong), then reclaim your Family Christmas. We keep the morning for our family and from lunch on we invite family to come by if they like on Christmas day. We run around like crazy the days leading up to Christmas, and I am tired by Christmas day, so we try not to travel anywhere that day. Everyone who comes by brings a snack food, and I have drinks available. It is a very low key day for us no matter who comes by.

 

but it NOT the grandma that is the issue it is the 4 other adults and the 2 kids -- it is not, in the OP, the grandparents comeing over the see the grandkids -- it is teh MIL useing the OP's house for her own family celebration -- adding not 2 adults to the mix but 6 adults and 2 kids.

[LibraryLover]

I think holidays are times we want to be very special and perfect, yet they are also times when imperfect people and crazy family members come together. So. It's nearly impossible to have both.

 

All the oddities come out when all the DNA is sloshed together with some needy people and maybe spiked eggnog. Sometimes we look back on these times and chuckle, or roll our eyes, and sometimes it helps us understand who we are, and where we come from.

 

I've had times where I hear my voice linger in the air, and think, "Dear God. That sounds just like crazy Auntie Mary from Toronto, or my nutty Scottish grandmother." I know the kids love it. They find Uncle Arthur hilarious, although I find him rather crude at times. When they see grandma acting all worried and nervous about whether there are enough croutons in the salad, they get why Mom acts as she does at times.

 

These family gatherings, in all the zany weirdness, does give our kids a look into what I like to call "Normal Neurotic". *Nobody* cares about how many homemade croutons are in the salad, but it is my mother's way of wondering if there is enough of everything and whether everything will be OK.

 

Families, even 'normal' ones are a little crazy, and they do make for great stories, and really, in the end, if the folks don't cross over into actual scary insanity and illegal activities ;), they are simply family lore.

Edited December 18, 2011 by LibraryLover

[gardenmom5]

.

 

I think good manners should have dictated that she shouldn't even ask. We do not interact with her brother and his wife except when they come over at Christmas. They are nice people, but we never knew the brother existed until 3 years ago. We also do not interact with her son (DH's step-brother) or his kids unless we bump into them at FIL's house. These are not people who would be invited, or gifted or Christmas carded any other year. It occurred to me last night that basically everyone Step-MIL would want to have around her at Christmas will be, which makes this her perfect Christmas, but not mine. That's what I meant by being taken advantage of - she's not a mean person, I think she sub-consciously arranged things to her liking.

 

The first few years are understandable - I try to make exceptions when I know that others are having a difficult time. I just think it's getting carried away.

 

be grateful she asked. dh has relatives who just BRING their *friends* (no blood relationship to anyone) to a major holiday event. usually with no warning.

this is a family holiday, and your mil was coming. there is a fine line between including someone and providing a holiday for another entire family. you do need to speak up, as she is also going off inclusions from previous years.

[2squared]

It occurred to me last night that basically everyone Step-MIL would want to have around her at Christmas will be, which makes this her perfect Christmas, but not mine.

 

Would it help to think of it as being your FIL's perfect Christmas? Maybe he's the one who suggested that she invite her son to your house. Maybe he's the one who wants to be with your family. Maybe he's the one who doesn't want to be with Step-MIL's family on the holiday. Maybe she would rather stay at home with her son, but FIL wants to see your family? Maybe she's a tid annoyed too. Maybe FIL is a tid annoyed about having her son around but not his son?

 

Would you feel better if you were doing it for your FIL and not for your Step-MIL?

[Laurie4b]

I certainly understand your feelings...I am more inclined to have them all come and share! How many times a year do you have the opportunity to be with extended family? With homeschooling, I see my children everyday...and technically we could pick days to stay in pjs if we wanted to...do that on Christmas Eve have a pj party for daughter and embrace the blessing of having family...they will not always be there.

 

Depending on the nature of the step-relationships, this may not be extended "family" at all. Some step-relationships, particularly if this was a later marriage, are only on paper. Given the way the OP has described it, this sounds like that kind of situation. (For instance, my father remarried when I was an adult. I regard my father's wife as "family" -- not as my step-"mother", but as my father's wife. However, she is very much a grandmother to our sons. I do not regard her family as family, including her kids, who are technically my "step-brothers." However, we hardly know each other. ) If it were me and this was happening, I would feel exactly as the OP has expressed--that she is essentially hosting someone else's family Christmas.

[luvnlattes]

I think good manners should have dictated that she shouldn't even ask.

 

I agree and I think it stinks that you get put in the position of being the bad guy if your turn her down. My MIL does stuff like this all the time and it drives me crazy.

 

I know it's very un-Christmasy of me, but I try very hard to be a great hostess when I have guests. I don't want to host on Christmas, I want to spend time with the kids.

 

I completely understand. While I have no advice I did want to give you a :grouphug: .