fairfarmhand Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 My dd went on and on last night on the way home from church about how cool it would be if she could live forever with her 2 best friends and have their family adopt her. I told her "Well, you know they don't live on a farm." She said that we should go live in their house and they could live on our farm and life would be just perfect. That just really stings. I didn't say much, just let it drop, but still it kind of hurts to think she considers her family disposable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 :grouphug: 13 year old girls don't really think about what they are saying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 :grouphug: I would guess that it isn't her family that she considers disposable. Maybe she isn't a country girl. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrapbookbuzz Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I hear you! :grouphug: Being the mom of ANY child seems to involve several moments of pain from the child who decideds to tell you all that is wrong with their life or with what you do.:glare: They really do not think of how it affects you as mom when they spout stuff off like that.:confused: FWIW, I'd love for my kids to live on a farm! It would be so much healthier for them than this big city we're in! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 :grouphug: I would guess that it isn't her family that she considers disposable. Maybe she isn't a country girl. no. she really loves the farm. she raises chickens and loves her donkeys and has been begging for goats. She just is idealistic enough to not understand that life can have its fun parts other places, but still there is work, irritants, and boredom everywhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 She doesn't want to dispose of her family, I can almost promise you. She's just dreaming of being independent. It's a good thing. :grouphug: And remember--living on the farm w/ her 2 best friends is better (for now) than living there w/ 1 boy. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sophia Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 :iagree: :grouphug: 13 year old girls don't really think about what they are saying. Nor 13 y.o. boys for that matter. My oldest and I have talked about some of the things he said/did when he was in middle school, and he responds with a sheepish grin and says "yea, I don't know why I said that" or "I didn't mean it." I appreciate hearing that because it helps me be patient with my other middle schoolers.;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LND1218 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 (edited) :grouphug: I would guess that it isn't her family that she considers disposable. Maybe she isn't a country girl. It seems like she is saying that she wants her parents to move, so she can live on the farm with the other family. Ouch!! My dd went on and on last night on the way home from church about how cool it would be if she could live forever with her 2 best friends and have their family adopt her. I told her "Well, you know they don't live on a farm." She said that we should go live in their house and they could live on our farm and life would be just perfect. That just really stings. I didn't say much, just let it drop, but still it kind of hurts to think she considers her family disposable. Ouch. She really didn't mean it that way I am sure. We sort of have this same situation. We jokingly call the other family the fun parents. It's s easy for kids to see the fun and not see the reality. The grass is always greener... Being with friends seems like a perfect thing, but even too much time with your best friend can get annoying just like being with family. Edited October 31, 2011 by Steph Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MicheleinMN Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Thankfully somewhere between 17 and 25 they grow a brain again. Really. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sasharowan Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 HUGS!!!! Had one of those type of blow ups with my daughter this morning. Called my mom and apologized for ever being 12 and congratulating her on surviving two daughters! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cin Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 With her friends' family she gets treated as a guest, therefore she has more fun there. She probably doesn't have to clean the toilet, do the dishes, etc. when there. Like YOU make her do (how DARE you!!!! :lol: ) When she is on her own, she'll be glad that you DID teach her how to do household stuff. Well, maybe she won't, but only because she doesn't understand what it's like to be completely ignorant of household chores. Trust me. You're doing the right thing by being 'mean'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 HUGS!!!! Had one of those type of blow ups with my daughter this morning. Called my mom and apologized for ever being 12 and congratulating her on surviving two daughters! the most hurtful part was that it wasn't a blow-up. (but it easily could have gone there if I had made it an issue) she was just sitting there chatting. "Oh , mom by the way, I hate you and the rest of my family and you are making my life miserable. The x-family would like to raise me the rest of my life and I know that would make me so happy. Oh, if you could vacate that farm I like so much, (i really don't care where you and dad and the sib's live) then me and my new adopted family could live there and it would b e all sunshine and rainbows forever. What's for dinner anyway? Can I have soup?" (that is how it felt to me. She really didn't say that) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Why don't you just tell her you were hurt ? I think when you countered with your family's assets instead of your family's value, you sort of went along with the fantasy part of it. I mean surely you would not want her to choose your family because of where you lived, but for who is in your family. I'm not saying this at all to correct you or to be hurtful, but I think it does help when we are honest with our kids about being hurt by something they might say. Perhaps you could go back to her and say that you know she was kind of dreaming about being independent, but it still hurt you to hear it. Include how incredibly important she is to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Those preteen, early teen years are VERY JUDGMENTAL and HIGHLY THOUGHTLESS. (I was channeling Milne there, lol). My step dd said some hateful things during those years and I was able to brush them off because I thought they were from her mother, and from her resentment at missing her mother and having to live with us. Now that I have done Jr. High ministry at church I know for a fact that this is how most girls this age behave toward their mothers. The things they say about their mothers are horrifying. Really. I don't believe half of it because I think it is the age. My now 11yo judges me constantly, and believe me, I never measure up to what she wants, lol. She has even stopped having friends over because she says our house is not fun enough.:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Why don't you just tell her you were hurt ? I think when you countered with your family's assets instead of your family's value, you sort of went along with the fantasy part of it. I mean surely you would not want her to choose your family because of where you lived, but for who is in your family. I'm not saying this at all to correct you or to be hurtful, but I think it does help when we are honest with our kids about being hurt by something they might say. Perhaps you could go back to her and say that you know she was kind of dreaming about being independent, but it still hurt you to hear it. Include how incredibly important she is to you. :iagree: :grouphug: Someday she will have children of her own. With a little luck, at least one will be a daughter. She'll see more clearly then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 Why don't you just tell her you were hurt ? I think when you countered with your family's assets instead of your family's value, you sort of went along with the fantasy part of it. I mean surely you would not want her to choose your family because of where you lived, but for who is in your family. I'm not saying this at all to correct you or to be hurtful, but I think it does help when we are honest with our kids about being hurt by something they might say. Perhaps you could go back to her and say that you know she was kind of dreaming about being independent, but it still hurt you to hear it. Include how incredibly important she is to you. I've considered this. I am still undecided on it. She is at a very defensive stage where anything anyone says is an "attack" on her, if it doesn't line up with her thoughts/ Even if it is a statement of my opinion. My dh said that he didn't like her Halloween costume idea (spoken gently) and it turned into a huge deal. I feel like I have to tiptoe around the tantrums here lately. Not sure whether this issue is worth bringing up or not. I just don't know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ester Maria Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I'm such a creep, if I had that convo with mine, I'd say, "Wow, what a fantastic and original idea! Let's find out what has to happen for you to reach your dreams! You know your Mama loves you and wants the best for you!" Then..I'd design a life-skills course around real life and budgets, taxes, car maintenance, insurance, food, lease laws..blah blah blah, and I'd invite her little girlfriends over too.... And I wouldn't quit until she shut up about it. Heh.:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Ah, yes, the unfortunate intersection of I Want A Different Life and I Haven't Grown Up Enough To Know Every Thought Does Not Need to Be Expressed. Good times. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 My dd went on and on last night on the way home from church about how cool it would be if she could live forever with her 2 best friends and have their family adopt her. I told her "Well, you know they don't live on a farm." She said that we should go live in their house and they could live on our farm and life would be just perfect. That just really stings. I didn't say much, just let it drop, but still it kind of hurts to think she considers her family disposable. I'm sorry you were hurt. I say this as the parent of four adults (well, 2ds isn't "quite" there yet). she's 13, and you will probably hear more such stuff before she grows up. Teens say many things without thinking through the consequences, they often only see the immediate. Try not to take it personally, as it is a manifestation of the developmental stage. Thankfully somewhere between 17 and 25 they grow a brain again. Really. ;) ah, I remember the day 1dd apologized for being an obnoixious teen. she was 17. But far more rewarding was the day 1ds told 2ds to shut-up, stop complaining, and just do what I asked! I think he was 20. I'm such a creep, if I had that convo with mine, I'd say, "Wow, what a fantastic and original idea! Let's find out what has to happen for you to reach your dreams! You know your Mama loves you and wants the best for you!" Then..I'd design a life-skills course around real life and budgets, taxes, car maintenance, insurance, food, lease laws..blah blah blah, and I'd invite her little girlfriends over too.... And I wouldn't quit until she shut up about it. Heh.:D :lol: I love you. whenever my kids complain about my rules, I am unoriginal enough to just say "you can make the rules when you pay the bills". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Thankfully somewhere between 17 and 25 they grow a brain again. Really. ;) "When I was 12 I thought my father a fool. When I was 17, I thought he'd learned a lot" --a paraphrase of Twain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
akmommy Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 My dd went on and on last night on the way home from church about how cool it would be if she could live forever with her 2 best friends and have their family adopt her. I told her "Well, you know they don't live on a farm." She said that we should go live in their house and they could live on our farm and life would be just perfect. That just really stings. I didn't say much, just let it drop, but still it kind of hurts to think she considers her family disposable. I think at 13 she is just thinking it would be cool to spend every day with her friends. Yes, Tweens and young teens can be very insensitive sometimes.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 :grouphug: I'm sorry. I don't look forward to those days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 If my dc hurt my feelings I let them know. I just don't see "tip toeing" around family members because they might get irritated. Our motto is, If you can't be nice at home with your family you need to spend more time with them. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 (edited) If my dc hurt my feelings I let them know. I just don't see "tip toeing" around family members because they might get irritated. Our motto is, If you can't be nice at home with your family you need to spend more time with them. :D irritated is way different from the explosions that regularly occur around this child. But my dh and I were talking about this last night. He says that by not addressing these insensitivities I am contributing to her being self-centered. IOW, she will never realize she is stomping her way through people's feelings if those who love her don't call her on it. \ But I am an avoider. Something I need to get over. Edited November 1, 2011 by fairfarmhand Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 irritated is way different from the explosions that regularly occur around this child. But my dh and I were talking about this last night. He says that by not addressing these insensitivities I am contributing to her being self-centered. IOW, she will never realize she is stomping her way through people's feelings if those who love her don't call her on it. \ But I am an avoider. Something I need to get over. Does she explode even if you bring the issue up gently at another time? For example, if there's a quiet time where the two of you are alone together, and you say something like, "You know, there was something I was hoping to discuss with you...," would she be as sensitive as she might if you responded in the moment? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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