If you've given birth without your DH there...

[twoforjoy]

was it by choice? How did you feel about it?

 

DH was there when #1 was born, and I hate to say he was worse than useless during the delivery (although I could!), but he was certainly useless. He doesn't do very well in situations where there's nothing he can really do to help me. Plus, I was kind of "in the zone" for most of the hard parts of it and didn't care if he was there or not. Plus, instead of finding it miraculous, he thought it was among the grossest things he'd ever seen. Plus, while I was lying there getting stitched up after spending 4 hours pushing out my son's 16-inch head, he actually said, "I'm so tired. I haven't sat down for four hours," and if I hadn't been so tired, I probably would have hit him.

 

So, I didn't think he was a particularly great labor coach, and he didn't particularly enjoy being there during labor, but we figured he'd come for #2's birth. Then, when I went into labor, all three of the friends who had said they could watch DS while we were in the hospital were either busy or not to be found, so DH ended up staying home with him and I labored alone. I didn't love the laboring and delivering alone part, but the postpartum part was great. DH and DS got there just as I was doing the last push, and could hear DD's first cry. DH had tons of energy and was in a great mood and it was nice and restful for me.

 

For #3 we went back and forth and finally decided that I'd hire a doula and he'd stay home. DD was only 15 months when the baby was born, and I'd been very stressed out about leaving her with somebody overnight, so that was a big part of it. That birth went great. I loved having the doula there, DH loved not having to be labor support, and it was just a really good experience. DH and the kids left the house when I was in transition, and got there right around the time the baby was delivered. They saw him a few minutes after he was born.

 

If we have another, I think we'd do a homebirth this time, but if I did do another hospital birth, I think I'd do what I did with #3 and have a doula and have DH at home with the kids. I know that some of my friends think it's crazy that I delivered without DH and am fine about it, but for us it worked out quite well.

[NicAnn]

I've had to clients labor alone- 1 by choice and 1 because the father was no where to be found the day of the birth.

 

A really good doula can help bring you to together during labor, if that's what you want. Bradley childbirth classes might also be a wonderful option for you two. Some teachers will give a discount to experienced couples.

 

Good luck with your decision!

[RainySunday]

I think that whatever works for the family is what's best. For your family, it sounds like it's best for your dh to be at home support, and a doula to be labor support. As long as you are both happy with that, great!

 

For me, I can't even imagine doing labor and delivery without dh there. We do home births (hospital with our stillborn), and I really really need him there. Last time, I also had a doula, but she was pretty inexperienced. She was helpful during the long prelabor stuff, but labor itself was so fast, her being there didn't make much difference.

[Another Lynn]

My dh was deployed to Iraq when I was preggo with our 3rd dc. We didn't know at the time that he should have been allowed to come home. I delivered without him. My Dad drove me to the hospital. One of my cousins was my support during delivery and post partum. (It was like an old-fashioned slumber party!) We had a great time! I have always considered it my best delivery though for reasons that had nothing to do with his absense.

 

Fortunately for my dh, all of my deliveries were two short for him to be very tired, LOL. And also fortunately for him, the only drug-free delivery I had was without him, LOL. Like yours, he doesn't care much for the "gross" parts, has never cut a cord, stays near my head for most of it.... but he always appreciates seeing, holding, loving, and welcoming a new precious life into the family.

 

I think your plan is a good one; not crazy at all.

[kwickimom]

My dh is also horrible at births...a nurse actually had to yell at him and tell him to turn off the TV when I was in hard back labor, no drugs, with ds#3. He can't stand to see people in pain (he refuses to ever take the kids to get shots or to the ER or wherever) and so he is just annoying and I don't want him there. But he insists on being there. He did let my mom be there for #2 but she was worried about getting in the way and hung back even though I wanted her to get in front of dh and help. If it was my choice I wouldnt have him there but right at the end to catch the baby and cut the cord. Thankfully I had 3 quick births :)

[forty-two]

I gave birth to dd2.5 w/o dh, on accident. Hb, mom was there to watch dd5, called dh at work to let him know I was in labor, but he couldn't leave for another hour or so (no one to cover till then). DD2.5 was born 15min before he got home.

 

It didn't bother me *too* much at the time, though I wished he'd have been there just to give hugs, put a hand on my back, that sort of thing (mom did all the practical things like bringing juice/snacks, gathering supplies, keeping dd5 occupied, etc.). But the more I thought about it in prepping for ds0's birth, the more I was certain he *had* to be there - laboring effectively alone wasn't much fun. I don't like a *lot* of people around - but *no one* is worse (yes, people were in the house, doing things - but no hands-on support, as that was dh's job; mom was too busy w/ dd5 and I wasn't comfortable asking mw). And dh is, by far, my top choice for emotional/hands-on support, anyway.

[Pretty in Pink]

My dh was deployed to Iraq when I was preggo with our 3rd dc. We didn't know at the time that he should have been allowed to come home.

 

May I ask why he should have been allowed to come home?

 

Anyway, yes, my dh is military and missed the birth of ds #3 by...5 days, I think. It wasn't either of our preference. I prefer him to be there and he wants to be there. He is incredibly helpful during labor.

 

I think you should feel comfortable doing whatever works for your family. It sounds like you are both happy with the way you have been doing things.

[Meriwether]

I couldn't imagine Dh not being there if we had a choice.

 

Dh didn't know what to do with our first. He spent some time trying to put an oxygen mask on me between contractions - as I was trying to dodge it. He tried watching TV. He called his sister right after delivery and said that *he* had made it through.:glare:

 

So with #2 I made him watch some prenatal videos with me. They took 4 hours. I ended up being in labor for less than 3 hours and at the hospital less than 40 minutes with #2. Dh groused that he spent more time watching the video than I spent at the hospital.:lol:

 

Number 3 took 4 hours and I went into labor on the way to the hospital for an induction. He got to do everything just right.:D

Edited October 20, 2011 by Meriwether

[Nart]

My DH was in the room with me during labor but we both agreed that during the delivery he would wait outside and my mom would be with me. He hates seeing blood and I had a fear that he would faint during labor and the doctor and nurses would have to rush to him instead of paying attention to me. When I watched maternity/delivery/new baby shows on the Health channel he looked like he was going to throw up and would beg me to change the channel. I didn't want him to look at me while I was giving birth with that look. I think it worked out perfectly. I ended up needing tons of stitches so he didn't see that either. He came into the room when they wiped all the goop off the baby and sewed me up. He followed the baby with the camera as they took care of the baby. I think it worked out perfectly.

 

With our second I needed a C-section, so he waited outside the room and my mom went in with me. As soon as I was stitched up and the baby cleaned up he came in. He did not spend the night either night because I thought it was ridiculous that he sleep on a couch in the hospital so I sent him home to sleep since there were plenty of great nurse around to help at night. And the second delivery he went home after a few hours to be with our first child. I loved how it worked out. He is a great dad and husband. When people hear about our situations some women have been appalled but most of the men think it is fine. He actually told me the other day that he was talking to his cousin and his cousin said that watching his own child being born changed how he looked at his wife and it took him a while to get over it and be intimate again.

 

I would rather have a doula than my husband there any day. Go for it!

[justamouse]

nebbermind, I'm brain dead and thought it said if he WAS there.

Edited October 20, 2011 by justamouse

[nukeswife]

My dh was deployed to Iraq when I was preggo with our 3rd dc. We didn't know at the time that he should have been allowed to come home

 

This seems odd to me too, but my dh is Navy, so that could be the difference.

 

He missed #3's birth by a week, because the ship was extended by 2 weeks. I would have preferred he be there, because he's an awesome coach. In the end we consider ourselves lucky he was there for 2 out of 3.

 

I think each family should do what works best or them.

[ktgrok]

I understand totally. My dh was there, but in the next room for most of my labor. He was useless as labor support. He loves me, but had no clue what to do, couldn't tell if I was having a contraction, etc. I had my best friend, my midwife, and her amazing assistant there for me, and he stayed in the background assisting them. It was a homebirth, so he was in the kitchen, and I was in the family room. There is a half wall between them, so he could pass over hot wash cloths, food, drink, etc, and observe but not be annoying, lol. HE was great at supplying them with what they needed, keeping them fed, etc, And he was out of my way. The midwives loved it. I think it would be ok to have your husband there, but not to rely on him as labor support. I knew going into it that my hubby is great, but not good with sympathy. I knew he would suck at labor support. So I didn't give him that role. It worked out REALLY well, and he was waved in as the baby was crowning, and so was right beside me when I pushed her out, although I didn't realize it at the time. Honestly...I just didn't want a man there, in my face. If you didn't have a uterus I wasn't interested in your thoughts, lol.

[Bluegoat]

I don't think my husband feels very confident about labour support, and he's never really offered to help. He wants to help, so he tries to get everything ready around the house, organize, whatever. But he has no clue about hands on support, and I think it may scare him that he can't fix it so that it isn't painful.

 

He would be devastated not to be there for a birth, but from my perspective I'd almost like him to be off doing other things, at least until the delivery. A doula or my sister would be better labour support for me (my doula for ds was really amazing.)

 

He also did the "oh I'm so tired thing" with dd1. He spent most of the labour sleeping or watching tv so he'd be rested, and then complained after how he couldn't get any sleep.:glare:

[eight_gregorys]

Usually, the Army will let spouses come home for the birth of child. It depends on the circumstances though. They do that b/c deployments are usually 12 months, plus training months before the deployment. I don't know exactly what the policies are, but I do know that most of the time they do try to get you home for the birth of child or a death in the immediate family.

 

I gave birth to our twins while my husband was in Iraq. He wasn't able to come home b/c it during the initial invasion. He received a Red Cross message that our boys were born. It was kind of a bummer b/c I really wanted him there. Its one of those things you know is a possibility when you are in the military though. We were fortunate though and he has been here for all of the other births of our kids.

 

 

May I ask why he should have been allowed to come home?

 

Anyway, yes, my dh is military and missed the birth of ds #3 by...5 days, I think. It wasn't either of our preference. I prefer him to be there and he wants to be there. He is incredibly helpful during labor.

 

I think you should feel comfortable doing whatever works for your family. It sounds like you are both happy with the way you have been doing things.

[Pippen]

I couldn't imagine Dh not being there if we had a choice.

 

I could. I was so withdrawn into myself to focus on the job I had to do that I didn't want to deal with anyone. It wasn't that he was horrible--I didn't have (or want) anyone else in with me, and would have kicked him out too if I could. I'm one of those people who like to be left totally alone when I'm sick and in similar fashion I didn't want anyone touching me or making a fuss when I was giving birth.

 

I've gone in for surgery alone several times, and like it that way. I did have to bring someone along for the hysterectomy though.

[Liz CA]

Dh was so far out of town and ds came so quickly, there was not much of a choice. However, I did ponder this for a while because dh is not great with medical stuff, you know um..blood, pain, etc.

I think it worked out well for all three of us. :001_smile:

[Dandelion]

I gave birth to DD3 while DH was deployed to Bahrain for a year. We knew there was a chance of deployment (he's in the Army Reserves) but decided to try to get pregnant anyway because we didn't want too big of a gap between DS and our second child.

 

I hired a doula and my mom was there for the birth as well. Ideally, I would have wanted DH to be there but it was fine. DD was born 22 minutes after I arrived at the hospital (after only about 4 hours of noticeable labor) so it wasn't a big deal. The bigger deal was that DD didn't get to know her daddy until she was 9 months old (he came home for his 2 weeks of leave when she was 3 months old but she was too young to really register that).

[Momof3littles]

If you had a homebirth could you just sort of encourage him to do his own thing and leave you alone?

 

My DH is helpful during labor, but he mostly helps by staying out of my way unless I ask for something. I like to be in my zone, and he knows that. He'll periodically check to see if he can get me anything, etc. but he knows I like to be in my own head during labor and he kind of stays out of the way. With our homebirth, he did stuff like fill the pool and that type of thing. In my case, I like laboring on my own but I don't mind him popping in and out at times and I don't mind him being there at the end.

 

I don't know if that's an option but maybe you could labor in peace in a different room from him?

[Grover]

My DH was there for the first one, and he was ok, although he isn't a decisive decision maker at the best of times and I may have got a teeny bit cross with him dithering at one point. He did grab me buckets to throw up in though, so he was there when I needed him :D

 

The second time no one was there to support me at all, and that was very scary. Because the hospital staff were insisting I wasn't in labour at all I didn't have any support person, and the staff were in and out to tell me I wasn't in labour and that I needed to just relax. It was quite frightening because all I could think was that if this wasn't labour then there was no way I'd cope with the 'real' thing, and, toward the end, I was also thinking that something must be going terribly wrong if I was finding 'not labour' so hard. My hospital notes say something like "643am, Grover requests we contact her midwife and husband. 648am, Grover distressed, encouraged to rest. 6:51am baby born." My DH received a call from my midwife to say the hospital had called to say I wanted them both, and I was "distressed by prelabour pains" and when he hung up the phone it rang again, which was the hospital saying his daughter had been born.

 

So, yeah, I'd have liked him to be there.

[zenjenn]

My husband was there for both births, and I'm glad he was, but he wasn't labor support at all.

 

The first time we took Bradley classes and were planning a homebirth - well 43 weeks pregnant, dropping fluid levels, and no sign of labor and that plan went out the window. We had an unplanned induction hospital birth, but my midwife came and acted as doula. That was, IMO, PERFECT. DH was free to be my *husband* and not *labor support*.

 

The second birth we just straight-up hired a doula. Even though that birth ended in an emergency c-section (11 lbs military position, dr. couldn't move her), I labored for many hours and had a lot of emotions through the whole process, unplanned c-section thing. The doula proved to be money well-spent.

[butterflymommy]

I won't let my husband near me while I am laboring. He is not labor partner material at all, a heartbreaking disappointment the times we did try it early on.

 

He did come to the hospital w/ me when I had a d&c (2nd trimester loss... baby had been passed away for 4 weeks inside me). He was really wonderful to me for that, was a huge comfort. But he was less than stellar for the births and I'll never let him near me again for one-- which he is fine with.

[KungFuPanda]

My husband's quote about having a midwife at our second birth: "That was great. I didn't have to pretend I was a woman."

 

He wasn't a lousy labor partner or anything, but he wasn't freaking out or overly impressed like the dad's on TV. I really think he viewed it like a science lab experiment that was interesting, but really took too long. My labors were 14 and 12 hours respectively and both began at night. I think he appreciated the midwife as much as I did. He thought it was awesome that she brought him some tea. :glare:

[lauracolumbus]

My dh missed our first two births (both came 2 wks early--he was in Japan for one, and Cleveland the other). He got on the plane as soon as I called him, but it took him so long to come home.

 

The first was the hardest. I went early, had to take a cab, spent nearly 12 hours in labor all alone w/equipment malfunctioning. I had a rude delivery nurse who was chastising me for my dh's absence. This was in the second busiest delivery hospital in the country (at least that's what they told me--Fairfax Cy, VA).

 

By the 3d, I would have been more than ok w/just a good doula.

 

Laura

[Little Nyssa]

Some women find their DH to be absolutely useless and aggravating during the labor! this happens even when they have a good relationship otherwise. In this case, do not feel pressured to have him there! Do what is best for your own family.

[cupajoe]

I'm due to deliver in approx. 4 weeks, and I will be doing it alone. DH is in Afghanistan, so we don't really have much of a choice. My dh also missed the birth of ds14, so I've BTDT.

Truth of the matter is, I don't really mind having this baby alone. I actually somewhat prefer it. I don't do epidurals... I'm one of those "go into my inner self...find my deep, happy place" kind of laborers. Having someone there to talk to, etc. is somewhat of a distraction. To each his own I guess.

[elinnea]

I really think he viewed it like a science lab experiment that was interesting, but really took too long.

 

:lol:

[tammyw]

My husband was in Iraq for the birth of our first child. he was there for our 2nd, and he was awesome. I say he was my doula, and I am thankful he was there!

[AnnaM]

My DH was great and I dont think I could imagine him not being there. I dont think he would go for missing it either. He did cope with the lack of control he had in odd ways. Like stopping by Mcdonalds on the way back to the hospital for my somewhat emergency c-section. He was late and when I called him he calmly replied that he was eating a burger at Mcdonalds. :glare: With our first though, he was great. He didnt do much of the labor part as I sort of instictively wanted my mother there, but during the birth he was facinated and afterwards kept running back and forth to tell me how amazing it was.

[Amy in TX]

I really think he viewed it like a science lab experiment that was interesting, but really took too long.

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[Ewe Mama]

We had home births with both of our bio children. My dh is just not wired to handle pain in other people.

 

With our second, he slept through about 4 hours of labor and then watched dvd's for another portion. I know that he doesn't like the whole birth thing. Planning weddings and birthing babies are women's work...in his mind. :lol:

 

He took great care of the other children and brought food and kept things neat. He took care of the clean-up duties (emptying the birthing pool, doing laundry) following the births. He took pictures and video of the actual births, but wasn't really there, emotionally.

 

I wish he were wired differently, but he isn't and I've come to terms with that. He's a great dad, and that's the important thing!

[SweetMissMagnolia]

well kinda different story---had to have an emergency c-section---anesthesia didn't work so they had to knock me out and he wasn't allowed in the o/r..... so he was there but not with me.....

[kubiac]

This thread is cracking me up. I once read a marriage book that made me realize, "Oh, I don't have an especially defective husband, I just have a garden-variety man," and these posts sort of remind me of that.

 

Husband was also "worse than useless" in the delivery room--god bless him he tried to do some stuff at the beginning, but...eh. After the fact, having acknowledged that everyone was miserable about the whole operation the first time around, we've decided that should we be lucky enough to get pregnant a second time, we're hiring the most expensive wonderful birth doula we can find, and DH will devote himself to taking care of our current bambino and/or just work if he has to.

 

Husband is great, but all the yuck and exhaustion of labor are so out of his comfort zone. For most of the pushing part, he looked like a frat boy who had gotten lost in the university hospital, and ended up in a L&D room, bewildered about how he had come to be there.

 

FWIW, the internationally known obstetrician Michael Odent has spoken out with the controversial-in-the-Western-world position that husbands shouldn't be in the delivery room.

 

A top obstetrician on why men should NEVER be at the birth of their child - By MICHEL ODENT - 15 April 2008

 

Men should 'stay away from childbirth'

 

Two other things that made me feel OK about leaving the husband at home during any future births:

 

* The meatheads on 16 and Pregnant are so universally useless. I know they are supposed to be the worst-case scenario, but I started suspecting that that might be the natural state of things.

* A while back I read an excerpt from Ian Frazier's Travels in Siberia where one of his Russian friends joked, not-nicely, "Why do American men have to be at the birth of their children? Because they're not sure they were there when they were conceived." Bad-dump-bum-ching. Now, that's just dark humor, but it clarify for me that there are whole countries and cultures of men without the slightest interest in or guilt about attending to the births of their children.

 

So, long story short, I agree that birthin' babies is women's work. Carry on.