Did You? Are We Unreasonable?

[missmoe]

Does it matter if she is right or wrong? She feels one way. You feel another way. Wouldn't if make more sense to sit down and work it out. And if that isn't possible, then you decide if you want to do things differently in the future, or if you are willing to do what she wants.

 

I have family members that are always trying to figure out who is right in their viewpoints. It doesn't solve anything. It causes contention. Both sides will always feel they are right. And really there is not always one right way.

[elfgivas]

hi imp -

 

i reckon your MIL just needs you to be in the wrong. it has nothing to do with who you are, what you do, or how you do it. it has to do with her. even if none of us called anyone, you would still be wrong in her eyes. sigh..... so not fair....

 

but, fwiw, we told our other children when i was in labour. we told whoever else was in the house at the time..... so once my mother told me i was in labour (the first time : ), once i told her, and once my MIL. the other time, i was alone, dh was away, my mom was in toronto, i was in kingston (2.5 hours drive), and i called in the middle of the night saying "please come now". she did.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

ann

[HS Mom in NC]

I called my mom when labor began because I asked her to video tape our homebirth. My midwife advises her clients not to call anyone unless they are invited to be at the delivery.

 

Everyone else was called after the baby was born.

 

My husband called my mom (watching my first) when #2's delivery transferred from a homebirth to a hospital birth.

 

Everyone else was called after the baby was born.

 

The 3rd was an international adoption-completely different scenario.

 

People who hold grudges for such minor issues lack emotional maturity and have a serious character flaw. Nothing you or your husband can do will ever change that-it's personal problem they have to deal with themselves.

[Unscripted]

With my first I was very upfront that I didn't know how I would behave during labor- and I didn't want to find out with an audience. I also warned that only DH would be there for the delivery. I wanted my privates to say, you know, somewhat private. But I was totally cool with calling (everyone had to drive a couple of hours anyway) everyone- and they could hang in the waiting room till their hearts content. :) they wouldn't be invited in till I felt that DH and I had our private time with DD anyway. I told all of them- well in advance. My mother actually snuck into the wing (secured door), and actually tried to push the door past the nurse that cracked it open to see who was knocking (I warned her about my no-boundaries-controlling-mother when I was admitted). The nurse then asked me (while wrestling the door with my mother, and while she should have been handling nurse duties- not bouncer duties) if she could be allowed in- I was in mid push, and yelled "absolutely NOT!". That was the only yelling or screaming for either baby- and it was because of her- not the physical pain, lol!

With #2, my mother was not called (we no longer have a relationship- which is a whole other story- but basically I was disowned for converting to Catholicism), but everyone else was. Since I knew that I handled labor well, and delivered very quickly with the first- I was okay with limited visitors. However, my delivery rule was still in place- for the same reason as above. The only exception being that my BF (and photography assistant in the studio I own) was documenting this time. Well, everyone left when *that time* came, except my MIL. She pouted to my DH "why do *I* have to leave?". DH- in one of his dumbest moments actually asked if she could stay- while my legs are being lifted into the stirrups at that point! Something like "it's really not that big of a deal is it?" with her standing right there waiting for an answer and nurses and doctors prepping me. I am still ticked about that.

 

I say that the mom is the one that gets to say what's reasonable- no one else.

[cjzimmer1]

We call my mom so she can come get the kids. (Actually we only did that once, the rest of the times she was already at my house for other reasons when I finally admitted to myself that yes I really was in labor). For one of them I told my sister because she was suppose to spend the night at my house and I wanted her to know I wasn't going to be there but go ahead and let herself in. Everyone else gets called after delivery during daylight hours.

 

I'd say let your MIL demand all she wants, nod your head, smile politely and call her afterward. If she complains, say things were busy and you didn't have a chance to call.

[Mommy22alyns]

You're definitely NOT in the wrong. You're entitled to have the kind of birth you want to have.

 

 

ETA: That said, MIL was there for both births. She was in the room when Becca was born (and so were about 15 other people - I was punchy from the epidural), and in the waiting room helping with Becca while I had my C with Sylvia.

Edited October 20, 2011 by Mommy22alyns

[higginszoo]

We've always done the same as you, except for the first ... well, we tried to call my parents when we found out I was in labor (5 weeks early), but they were difficult to track down. My in-laws did wait for the call that he was born, and then they came down. I was glad that m-i-l got to assess the baby (she was one of the PAs in his doctor's office). Unfortunately, in spite of her notes on his chart, they got him hooked on the bottle, and he never went back (had several LCs, including a leading lactation doc working with us).

 

With our next, my mom was with ds, and we called her when things were getting close. She brought ds in just minutes after dd was born, then we called everyone else.

 

With our third, we only called m-i-l to come stay with the other babies, then called everyone else in the morning after he was born.

 

With our last, my mom was there again. She managed to time it so that she and the kids arrived just as they wheeled the baby out of OR (cord prolapse, c-sec). I'm not sure when dh called everyone else, probably as he was waiting for me to get back to the L&D room for recovery observation.

[AK_Mom4]

The only one we called before hand with the olders was my sister because she was watching the other kids for me.

 

With DD10, I did tell my mother before I left for the hospital because she was living with us at the time. Everyone else got a call from DH AFTER the baby was born.

[Bootsie]

Dh called my mom in the middle of the night and she asked "Are you going to the hospital?" The answer was "No, dd is born." But she was born 48 minutes after we arrived at the hospital--so there was not time for anything.

 

My mom had said "I will NOT go to the hospital when you are in labor--BTDT three times and I don't want any part of it."

 

The first time it wasn't an issue; when ds was born, my mom went to watch dd, but took her to preschool and then came to the hospital. I wasn't happy about that because she increased the stress and worry level which wasn't helpful, especially since we were dealing with a lot of complications.

 

In-laws and other family who lived out of town were called with the second because of all of the complications.

[Rosie_0801]

Or is it more typical to call when its all said and done?

 

Oh yes indeedy. At the hospital's prenatal classes, they strongly requested we didn't let anyone know we were heading in. Otherwise every relative and their dog will be ringing up for progress reports, clogging the phone lines so actual staff can't get through.

 

The only reason there were any progress reports given with my first was because they all knew when I was being induced and my aunt, who worked for the hospital, just happened to have a friend working in the labour ward, who just happened to mention I was in and how things were going. Blabbermouths. :lol:

 

Yes, various relatives were hurt that we didn't tell them, but as my mother used to say, the world doesn't revolve around me and the world doesn't revolve around them either. I'm sure I'll be hurt when my kids don't tell me, but I'll understand and I'll be charming. We didn't tell dh's family when we were due with #2 because mil behaved so badly with #1. I wouldn't want to risk my kids doing that to me!

 

Rosie

Edited October 20, 2011 by Rosie_0801

[foxbridgeacademy]

Do you want your MIL at the Hospital while you're in labor? From your previous posts I would say, no. You are the one who is going to have a child, she really doesn't get a say. But, since you're obviously much nicer then I am;), I would suggest a comproimise. If there are any issues/problems DH will call. When it looks like birth is going to be within 2 hours then DH will call. No one is to show up at hospital until after baby is born, washed, fed 1st time, had all medical procedures done. Also if anybody says 1 thing about the shots/tests I am or am not having done to baby, DH will show you the door.

[Impish]

Sorry - no time to read through all the responses, but since you have been having so many BH these last few weeks, why not just call her at a random time every day saying "i think this is it", then call her back a few hours later saying "oops, false alarm". She may get tired of the phone calls/false alarms and just tell you to call when babe arrives.

 

could be fun :D

 

(maybe someone already suggested this.....)

:lol:

[Night Elf]

We have a very small family and really no friends. When I went into labor, we only needed to make 2 phone calls, one to each side of the family, and then the phone tree started. No one phoned the hospital. They waited until they got the next call saying we had the baby.

[8circles]

I don't think you were unreasonable at all. We told parents after we got to the hospital & it was a reasonable hour that we were in labor. However, we knew there was no chance that they'd crash the party.

[Rosie_0801]

Ppl can and do call hospital switchboard, which gets transferred up, and the staff does come and get you.

 

Are you serious? They come while you're in labour? :svengo: Our labour ward staff were very clear that acting as bouncers is one of their favourite things to do. :lol: All we would have to do is command, and they'd call security on anyone who showed up and looked funny. This is a good reason not to let anyone know you are in labour. More feelings would be hurt by getting evicted by security than by getting a phone call later than they wanted.

 

Rosie

[J-rap]

Golly, there's not right or wrong here, just do what you're comfortable with! She sounds a little too demanding to me, and I don't think I'd call her if she were my MIL. I think my husband and I called our parents ahead of time for some of our children, but not always. But we have a great relationship with our parents and they would never bug us or call the hospital or even come by the hospital until they knew we were ready for them.

[happypamama]

People wanted us to call when I was in labor, but I've always politely declined to do that. I have no desire to be on anyone's "watch." If I felt that someone needed to know I was in labor, I invited that person to the birth (which means only my medical team, my DH, and my older children). The grandparents get a call within a couple of hours of the baby being born, but that's their first heads-up at all. (The exception was DS2, because my parents happened to be visiting the weekend he was born. They were staying a few minutes away and had been planning to stop by that day, but I woke up in labor early in the morning, so DH called them around 10 am to tell them not to come by as planned. We called them back around 2 or so and told them that he'd arrived, and they came over a bit after that. It did affect me a bit to have told them, though; I felt like they were anxiously waiting for news, so I felt impatient with myself when I felt that it was taking too long.)

 

Other people like to have a circle of prayers/thoughts/whatever around them, and that works too. No reason for Imp's MIL to be upset though!

[Impish]

Are you serious? They come while you're in labour? :svengo: Our labour ward staff were very clear that acting as bouncers is one of their favourite things to do. :lol: All we would have to do is command, and they'd call security on anyone who showed up and looked funny. This is a good reason not to let anyone know you are in labour. More feelings would be hurt by getting evicted by security than by getting a phone call later than they wanted.

 

Rosie

Yup, they would come and tell us there's a phone call.

 

MIL can't show up at the hospital, so that's not the concern. Wolf doesn't want to deal w/her calling while I'm in labour.

 

Not to mention, she'd be on the phone with all her extended family the second he hung up, and heaven only knows who ELSE would start calling.

 

MIL is a completely hysterical, high strung person. She'd lose what's left of her mind, and drive everyone out of theirs with having to wait.

 

As it is, she thinks 'due date' is a 'best before date'. Seriously. She also asked Wolf when we're having the baby...he explained that its not something we have any choice in, it'll happen when it happens...just as he's explained before. She just really doesn't seem to get it.

[Denisemomof4]

I want my peace and quiet in the hospital. I only want my parents and kids coming to visit. I want to focus on bonding with my new baby and resting. Dh is really good about keeping things quiet for me.

 

I think you and Wolf should do what you want to do. Your mil will have issues with SOMETHING anyway. It seems like you can never please her, and quite frankly, it's not your responsibility!

 

Call me, then forget about everyone else. That's my vote.

 

:D

[Grover]

Perhaps you could tell her you've had a check and they've realised they made a mistake, your due date is actually a month later. Then she can be surprised when baby arrives "early"

[joannqn]

Are you serious? They come while you're in labour? :svengo: Our labour ward staff were very clear that acting as bouncers is one of their favourite things to do. :lol: All we would have to do is command, and they'd call security on anyone who showed up and looked funny. This is a good reason not to let anyone know you are in labour. More feelings would be hurt by getting evicted by security than by getting a phone call later than they wanted.

 

Rosie

 

My first was a very long home birth transfer. I had called my dad at the beginning of my labor because my water had broken. Little did I know I'd be waiting 72 hours before transferring. I called before we left for the hospital to let him know. He wasn't thrilled about the home birth and said, "It's about time." Well, he figured out which hospital we were in and drive 3 hours to show up unannounced. He arrived 5 minutes before DD was born, and they wouldn't let him in the room without my okay. The thing is, they didn't want to interrupt me to get my okay so he missed it. I would have been fine with him seeing the birth had I known. Instead, he got to see the birth of the placenta and all my parts hanging out and bloody with the excitement of the baby coming. Lovely.

[annandatje]

Do what you deem best for yourself and your own growing family. You do not need validation from anyone on the internet or in real life because you have a good sharp mind of your own even with the hormones of pregnancy. You are giving this woman far too much power over your life and emotions. Based upon history you provided about her, she probably would take delight in knowing she was discussed with some regularity.

Edited October 21, 2011 by annandatje

[Rosie_0801]

My first was a very long home birth transfer. I had called my dad at the beginning of my labor because my water had broken. Little did I know I'd be waiting 72 hours before transferring. I called before we left for the hospital to let him know. ... I would have been fine with him seeing the birth had I known.

 

That's a shame :( With our midwives, we had those conversations before we went to hospital so they were written in the file. I guess you couldn't do that if you were planning a homebirth. :(

 

Rosie

[GypsieFamily]

No way I would want someone sitting in the waiting room asking for progress reports when I AM IN PAIN. Labour is about me and that baby, and the pressure of someone else knowing is not something I want. With baby number 2, I was visiting my mother so she definately knew as she drove me to the hospital. I couldn't reach my husband on the phone, so I rang MIL and she went round to our house to wake him up (he'd been doing nightshift). That was the only time we rang anyone. They can all find out afterwards.

 

Actually, after baby number 1 certain people hung around way too long. I was tired and wanted rest. So, instead, we waited till I felt fine for visitors on subsequent children before anyone got a phone call. Then we selectively phoned people in order of my coping abilities. Funnily enough, tact about the baby, myself, my husband, and the older children was perfect from MIL on the fourth baby.

[weddell]

We call after the baby is born. I'm a private person and I just don't want to feel like people are waiting around for the baby to be born.

 

When I was pregnant with my first, MIL wanted us to call while I was in labor. She lived about 3 or 4 hours away and showed up in the delivery room with no warning. We got her to leave and go to the waiting room, but I was really annoyed by the whole thing. The baby was born at around 1 am and the first thing I thought about was how MIL was still in the waiting room. I really wanted to be alone with DD and DH and just rest but I couldn't concentrate knowing that she was there waiting so we let her see the baby and me right away, but I really felt like my space was being violated. Ugh. Honestly dd is 6 now and I'm still kind of annoyed when I think about it. I know some people like to have family in the waiting room, but I'm just not that way.

[Lizzie in Ma]

Ok, question for the Hive.

 

Wolf was talking to MIL. From what I understand, she's been holding a grudge from when the Littles were born :001_huh:

 

She's angry that we didn't call her the nanosecond I was in labour, but waited until after they were born. In Tazzie's case, we called at a decent hour, since he was born at 1:44 am.

 

She demanded she get a call before we leave for the hospital. :001_huh:

 

We've never called ANYONE until after baby was born. When I was induced w/Diva, there were a bunch of ppl calling the hospital and driving the staff nuts b/c they knew it was happening, and I'm just not interested in that again.

 

I shouldn't say we don't call anyone...we call whomever we've arranged to mind the kids, but that's it.

 

Are we in the wrong here? Is it usual to call ppl to let them know you're in labour? Or is it more typical to call when its all said and done?

 

I'd say screw them, you've got other things on your mind. Whatever makes you most comfortable is my vote. Your MIL is out of line.

[Impish]

I'd say screw them, you've got other things on your mind. Whatever makes you most comfortable is my vote. Your MIL is out of line.

:lol:

Again, thanks to everyone that responded! Its been an interesting thread to read. :001_smile:

[kaylk in tx]

my best delivery experience was the scheduled c-section who decided not to wait! nobody was around and everything was very peaceful and calm.

 

THEN 16 months later came the twins. :glare: i still regret not telling my mom and mil to GO AWAY until we called. i just felt "invaded" and couldn't relax and enjoy my new babies.

 

so when my dd requested that no one come to the hospital while she was in labor, i was totally cool with that.