Has anyone seen a behavior *improvement* after putting their kid in school?

[Rosy]

Just wondering. I have one who makes every day unpleasant. He bullies his little sisters and is disrespectful to me. Not all the time, but it is fairly consistent. I have always thought that consistency in the way I treat him and the standards I set would pay off...but it has been almost 10 years. At this point, one of the main reasons I'm considering ps is to protect his sisters, not because I think it would necessarily be best for him. But I'm also not sure it would be a bad thing.

 

So I'd love to hear if you have a ps success story with a difficult child. Please do not respond if you just want to tell me that you would *never* tolerate such behavior in your home. You can tell me about your difficult kid who got worse, if you feel so inclined.

 

Thanks in advance!

[K&Rs Mom]

I haven't tried it yet, but am considering outschool for my oldest for similar reasons. We had a good day today, after about three weeks of misery, but I have no idea whether it will last. I'm trying to make some changes here first, but if that doesn't work she's going to have to outschool. So I look forward to answers about this too!

[DawnM]

I posted something quite similar a while ago.

 

My oldest is a huge challenge for me. Some days are horrible and other days are tolerable.

 

I don't think school is the answer for him or me though. He has several other issues, Asperger's for one. School would be like throwing him to the wolves and I just can't do that to him.

 

However, some days I am still very tempted!

 

:grouphug:

[Peela]

What happened here was that it just felt like time to put ds into school- the conflict between him and I was too much. And it was sincerely a relief when he went off to school.

After a few months, though, even though there wasn't much direct conflict with me, his behaviour did deteriorate- he was exhausted, and he was picking up negative behaviour patterns. The thing is- he realised it, and asked to homeschool again. I don't teach him now- he does correspondence and I just supervise- but it was an interesting experience.

it can be worth it for your relationship and for peace, I feel. Putting ds in school was certainly the best thing for us, even though he is now home again.

[LittleIzumi]

My sweet girl started acting out worse every day she was in PS....

[missmoe]

Yes, much better for us. Mine was just over having mom supervise him. He also needed more social than I was able to provide.

[rocketgirl]

My difficult child got better by home schooling. I relate to your frustration, my oldest is the source of much of ours as well. However she just came out of ps 1 1/2 years ago and she was more miserable then, coming home seeming angry, exhausted & just not a nice person :( While she is still frustrating, she has more opportunities to be kind to her siblings and is sharing more experiences with them now, we also have the time to talk about and deal with situations, although I'd rather not have to.

[Cindy in C-ville]

Absolutely not. We tried ps last year and it was bad. Really bad. We're all back home again, and it's good.

[LarlaB]

Yes....

 

My DD is actually more relaxed and worn out, which helps to temper her very strong, some-what abrasive personality. You would think that being so tired w/ the long days would make her more snappy/grouchy, but not really. For our DD, it has really proven to take the edge off of her strong, intense personality- she is more docile and pliable and well, sweet. The academics are not very challenging to her- rather, its the social dynamics that seems to use up a lot of energies (she has Aspie tendencies).

 

Six weeks into it, and I think I can safely say that our relationship has gotten better as I am now just mom and no longer stressed-out task master.

[LibraryLover]

I wouldn't use the word 'improvement', as the child was not an actual behavior problem, although button-pushing was an issue. :) The child did prefer a more robust and busy day. This was something home was unable to provide on a consistent basis, given the nature and needs of the other children/family members.

 

So.

 

Child was *happier* in an environment more suited to the particular personality. DC would have been a leader in a large hunter/gatherer society, let us say.

Edited September 27, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Tap]

A bit different age than you are asking about but dd4 HAS to go to preschool. She is such a bear during the day, but is wonderful for her preschool teachers. She loves the constant projects, schedule/structure and kids to play with. She is better in the evenings after coming home too.

 

I don't know if I will homeschool her, because she would be an only in the homeschool. She is a kid who thrives on socialization .....a bit ironic because she is diagnosed as almost Aspergers. Without her medications, she would sit in a corner alone ignoring everyone. With her meds she is a social butterfly. The structure helps a lot....but even when I have a structured day, she is still better after daycare.

[swellmomma]

I posted something quite similar a while ago.

 

My oldest is a huge challenge for me. Some days are horrible and other days are tolerable.

 

I don't think school is the answer for him or me though. He has several other issues, Asperger's for one. School would be like throwing him to the wolves and I just can't do that to him.

 

However, some days I am still very tempted!

 

:grouphug:

 

This is the case with my kids too. I had them in ps before and their behaviour got a lot better when I started homeschooling but things are still challenging. I just know that school is not the answer for them, but my goodness there is days when I am so tempted to take them down the street and enroll them. Lately we have had more challenging days than tolerable and I think it stems from having the 2 oldest both beginning puberty now, so add in that hormonal mess with the issues we already have going on and it is enough to drive me batty. I do not believe putting them in school will solve the behaviour issues though. I think we will be worse off like we were in the past.

[Crimson Wife]

Yes, but it is my special needs child attending an Early Intervention preschool.

[Unicorn.]

Yes. I fought the deteriorating attitude and sister bullying for 2 yrs, and decided to put ds in school for 8th grade last year. He went to private school for 8th, and is now a freshman at the local ps and he is thriving. Ps has been even better for him than private school. This wasn't the case when he was younger, but he was ready this time. His attitude, while still there at times, has much improved.

 

ETA: I think that being surrounded by females all. the. time. had a lot to do w/ it. He needed male companionship, and once a week scouts wasn't enough.

Edited September 27, 2011 by Unicorn

[Joker]

Yes! Older dd thrives in a ps setting. It's the best thing for her right now. She has a much better attitude with everyone.

 

I don't think it is the best thing for younger dd but we will wait to make that decision when she is middle school age.

[Laurie4b]

Yes-- big change for the positive last year in my ds when he went to public school last year as a junior. It's basically an alternative high school that allows kids to take all community college courses for dual credit. The change was huge in his motivation (he needed the competition) and in his relationship with me (the dynamic didn't work well for him of moving into being a man and yet being under my authority in school.). We didn't have an awful relationship by any means--it's just that this is a better fit for him and being freed from that dynamic has been a real blessing for our relationship. He is very tender and solicitous toward me, but I do still have to very much make sure that I give him as much autonomy as possible and assert my authority very sparingly. If push needs to come to shove, Dh needs to do that, not me. Anyway, for us, it was a very positive change.

[Rosy]

Thanks for the feedback, everyone! I think we're going to try a few more things before we seriously consider school, but there definitely needs to be a change.

 

 

ETA: I think that being surrounded by females all. the. time. had a lot to do w/ it. He needed male companionship, and once a week scouts wasn't enough.

 

I think that's a big part of the problem for my DS too--my husband is great with him, but our evenings fly by so quickly and I think DS really struggles with being around girls all the time.

[mazakaal]

Yes, much better for us. Mine was just over having mom supervise him. He also needed more social than I was able to provide.

 

Yes. This.

 

Every day revolved around a power struggle between him and me, and I had such a hard time getting to schoolwork for the other kids. He was frustrated. I was frustrated. He was bullying his younger siblings. Finally, I just had to put him in school. Just having him out of the house so the other kids can have some peace and we can get some schoolwork done has been a huge improvement.

 

His behavior has been up and down, but he's finally realized that if he treats us nicely, then everything goes better for him at home. So he really has tried to make an effort to be nicer to the other kids (though he's far from perfect) and more respectful to me.

 

On the other hand, he's been exposed to so much worldliness at the school that it has opened up a whole nuther can of worms - wanting to go to parties, drinking (a couple of times) and language/trashy talk; everyone talks that way, so what's wrong with it, etc.

 

Even with the negative behavior that has come with him being in school, I think it was the best thing that we could have done for the family.

 

:grouphug: I hope you can figure out what will work for your family. I know how hard it is.

[Tree House Academy]

After 4 years at home, this thought has crossed my mind for different reasons with both of my kids - especially my oldest. He misses his friends but so far, doesn't want to go back to ps either.

[Laura Corin]

I could see the arguments starting to build towards puberty. At school, his behaviour is stellar - he throws himself into everything and got the class prize in his first year. He's excited and worn out by school, and there are (so far) no problems at home. He's taken on too many activities but is working with us very sensibly to cut back on his commitments.

 

Laura

[jen3kids]

My older ds was the reason we started homeschooling 6 years ago. He was thrilled and begged to do it, so we did. I took my dd out of 1st grade at the same time. Older ds loved homeschooling for 3rd grade but wanted to go back to ps for 4th grade. We said no, but after an awful year with him pretty much refusing to do anything, bullying his little brother and sister and near constant fighting with me, we let him return to ps for 5th grade. He was soooo happy, and I could actually homeschool the younger ones.

 

He attended a small private Christian school for middle school and is now a freshman at a public high school and thriving - all As and Bs on his interim, went to the homecoming dance, getting his schoolwork done, etc.....

 

He is still my most challenging child, the one I butt heads with the most, but he is definitely happier in school. I wish I could have homeschooled him - found the right combination of freedom and control for him. He had such cool, eclectic interests that have fallen by the wayside.

[Ria]

In a word, yes. One of our children was never destined to homeschool, yet we forced him to be home for 16 years. The happiest day of his life was his first day of public school. He loved it. His personality totally changed. He was fun to be around, and there was so much less tension in the house.

[SeekingHim77]

My son started to get an attitude problem when he was entering puberty-12 years old. Homeschool was definitely a lot harder for about a year and a half. Then things smoothed out and we are doing great now! Things just get better all the time as he matures.

 

He never wanted to go to public school but he did mention the local Christian school several times. I'm so glad I didn't give in and send him. Sometimes, it's just a season to work through and it was definitely worth it for us to work through it together. We learned a lot and are now closer than ever.

 

If I had to do it all over again (Ack!), I would remember to stay calm when he acts over emotional and to set consequences for talking back and other behaviour problems and stick to them like glue. That's what worked for us in the long run. I simply wish I had done it from the beginning.

 

I think boys often work better with definite consequences. My son thrives on accountability and knowing what's ahead-blessings for the good and consequences for the bad keep him on track.

[keptwoman]

DD has been at school about 4 or 5 weeks now and she is generally a much more pleasant child. She enjoys the social side, but the academics are very easy so she is now happily doing after school work I assign for her in similar quantities it took major battles to get her to do as a homeschooler. I'm enjoying building a relationship with her as a mother again instead of it being overlaid by constant work battles. She and her brother were fighting all the time, and they still do but at least we get a break.

I'll be sending C back next year too so I can study, and it will be interesting to see how that will go as he can be fairly oppositional too.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Rosy,

 

Well, my foster kids are very little. All three had to start school this year. Two are in Head Start and one is in Kindergarten. All three are very challenging children with severe issues due to neglect and abuse.

 

The oldest is doing A LOT better since starting school. She struggles with a few things; but yes, school is great. She behaves well there and has done pretty well at home after the initial adjustment period. I would definitely say her behavior is better since starting school. She does have a little increased anxiety but we try to work with that a little.

 

The next one seems about the same at home, but less time helps (honestly). He is doing very well at school. A little talkative and a drama queen, but well behaved for the most part there.

 

And then there is Munchkin. School has been a nightmare, escalating his behavior at school to proportions we never even considered here at home. I didn't even know he could be that naughty (and he's pretty constant here). But he is behaving a little BETTER here. It is stressing me out and we're working with the Head Start program to get supports into place to help him adjust better there.

 

So for the two, I think school has been good. I intend to pull them out in time (though when, even if, will be individual); but I think school is a very good thing for the two.

[Jann in TX]

Middle dd was physically and emotionally abusive (Oppositional) to ME-- and somewhat to her older and younger sister.

 

She was 'kicked out of homeschool' in 6th grade.

 

The transition to PS was smooth-- except for the 2 weeks it took her to learn how to operate her locker!

 

Her attitude at home improved-- I think she needed the outside stimulation--and she needed to be accountable to someone other than a parent.

 

Her academics were fine-- I had no issues.

 

She was always on the Honor Roll and TEACHER'S PET in almost every class-- I'd always get raves about what a good student she was--and how she actually had study skills (dd even admits that homeschooling made that difference).

 

She made friends that she still has today (even though they attend different colleges they Skype on a daily basis).

 

This dd did come back home in 10th-- but more for her medical issues. The local PS let her continue as a member of the Band (unusual for Texas).

[Cera]

There has been a huge improvement in the atmosphere in our house since I sent my "difficult" child to school.

 

She is very active and social and school seems to really be meeting needs for her that I couldn't at home. It also gives us a break from each other and I have more patience for her behavior when we are together (and the more patience I have for her the less her behavior seems to escalate).

 

It was absolutely the best choice I could have made for preserving our relationship and her relationship with her sister.

[Rosy]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I'm still not sure what to do. There are a lot of benefits to keeping everyone together. But the idea of 6 hours with no negativity and fighting is appealing, too.

[bkpan]

We have been homeschooling for around 10 years now, and I have gone through some major changes in my educational beliefs - going from a we will never consider anything other than homeschooling to a variety of situations for my kids.

 

My oldest attends a once-a-week tutorial which is perfect for him as he really craved some outside friendships and independence. I still consider him homeschooled of course since we do several subjects together still and I oversee his work. It is a good balance for him.

 

A year ago I sent my 10 year old twin boys to public school and while there are always downsides to any option you choose, I believe that this has truly been an answer to prayer. One of my twins was dx with PDD (same DSM code as Aspergers), SID, ODD and ADD. He has been a handful since birth. He, I thought, was the main reason our homeschool was always so stressful.

 

Well, this year he has been blessed with the most amazing teacher. It turns out that she believes that he is actually gifted and I am now reading some books that are blowing my mind. Do you know how many gifted kids are misdiagnosed?? Eek! I have always felt like we are on a journey with this particular child, and now God has placed another person in his life to help us. He responds to her like he NEVER responded to me. He is coming home eager to not only do his homework, but to work ahead. He is a different kid at school. We still have personality struggles, but when I imagine how we might NEVER have seen his potential without outside help, I am truly humbled. I was SO sure that I was right about homeschooling always being the best when all of my children were little.

 

Another one of my strong-willed angels, a 4yo boy, started preschool this year and it has had a VERY positive influence on our relationship. He absolutely loves going and we have fun together again when he comes home.

 

I still exclusively homeschool two others and that goes really well. I guess the moral of our story is to always keep seeking the BEST options for each of your children. It may come from unexpected places.

 

Sorry this was so long, it is a lot to think about. But remember that no decision is permanent. Not all schools and teachers are equal. You can give it a try and always bring him home if it is not a good fit for your family.

 

Kim

[Renee in NC]

We did. My 13yo went to school last January and the change in our relationship was HUGE. He was much nicer overall. Unfortunately, he was failing miserably in school - miserably. And no one seemed to care at the time because he was a good kid and never made any trouble.

 

We moved and he is back homeschooling again, but I am not sure this will last long. He will be high school age next year and I am seriously considering sending him to high school somewhere.

[mommaduck]

What happened here was that it just felt like time to put ds into school- the conflict between him and I was too much. And it was sincerely a relief when he went off to school.

After a few months, though, even though there wasn't much direct conflict with me, his behaviour did deteriorate- he was exhausted, and he was picking up negative behaviour patterns. The thing is- he realised it, and asked to homeschool again. I don't teach him now- he does correspondence and I just supervise- but it was an interesting experience.

it can be worth it for your relationship and for peace, I feel. Putting ds in school was certainly the best thing for us, even though he is now home again.

Ditto here. There were some things that improved (he became more self sufficient and responsible for his schedule, his hygiene, and his homework), but he actually picked up worse behaviour and language patterns. He was also happy to come back home. He said that he also really missed the family time and felt he was missing out on our family life since his only included school, homework, and sleep.

[mycalling]

Yes, dsd13 improved her attitude, but her problem was the family. She hates everyone and thought her siblings were the reason her life was horrible. Now she's not home and she's still miserable...can't blame us. She's finally seeing it's her behavior and outlook, but still chooses to not be here as much as she can get away with. The other children are all much happier with her gone all day too.

 

She will not be coming back to homeschooling even though she has asked a few times because her peers aren't accepting her behavior either.

[lisamarie]

I would say that sending my kids to school has helped some areas of their behavior and hurt others. DS went to Young 5s and the day he started school, I did a happy dance. He changed significantly that year and I think it was the best decision ever. We did pull him out the next year in K to HS. 2 years later and he's back in school this year. I think school is helping him again. He would cry regularly during school time if he couldn't figure something out. He seemed a little depressed/bored. Now he tells me that school is fun and he likes it. I asked him the other day if he liked HSing or school better and he said it was too early to say, but probably school.

 

DD was similarly a real PITA until she started kindergarten last year in PS. While I was hoping school would dull some of her drama queen, center of attention habits, it actually made them worse. But she did learn to share and be nicer to her siblings. She hated every minute of school except for playing with her friends. This year she's in a new school and says she loves it and really likes her teacher.

 

Some of the things I am seeing going on I can't say are the result of school or just a natural part of growing up because they started over the summer. My DS is in the process of cutting the apron strings. He used to want mom and dad around all the time, now he doesn't. He's starting to question our authority (especially mine) and sass back. He NEVER did that before.

 

Both kids come home from school and only want to play together. They get mad at DD4 when she tries to play with them. Something they rarely did before. There are a few other things I've noticed but I won't go into them.

 

Overall, I think school has been a positive thing for my kids up until now. I do think we did the right thing pulling DS and HSing him for 2 years. I think I did the right thing in afterschooling DD last year. I think for now having them in school is good. I may not be happy about it, but it has relaxed our relationship and there is a lot less stress in the house. Also a whole lot less fighting.