BMW Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 (edited) Without giving personal information that I will want deleted... I will say a child of mine who lives with the father was at the hospital last night. I was not updated. I believe she was released during the night. I tried contacting my children, ages 18 and 16 to talk about the situation and did not get an answer. I called the ex. He said HE would talk the children this afternoon and "brief" them and that I could talk to them tonight. But, I am not being allowed to speak to my children today.... I have joint legal custody of my kids... I am so angry. (They are 100 miles away, 4 hours round trip. If it were a medical emergency, which is it not, I would go right away. This is a matter of him controlling when they speak to me and what they say. I want to hear from their own mouths what happened... not hear the version he tells them to tell and why.... grrrr.... ) Edited September 18, 2011 by BMW Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 Without giving personal information that I will want deleted... I will say a child of mine who lives with the father was at the hospital last night. I was not updated. I tried contacting my children, ages 18 and 16 to talk about the situation and did not get an answer. I called the ex. He said HE would talk the children this afternoon and "brief" them and that I could talk to them tonight. But, I am not being allowed to speak to my children today.... I have joint legal custody of my kids... I am so angry. He needs to speak to you directly about matters involving your child's health! Goodness, what a jerk. He can't rely on the kid's to get it 100% correct and relate it to you with precision. You need to find out what happened and speak to the doctor yourself, if possible. I'd call my attorney on that one if he will not respond. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 JOINT LEGAL CUSTODY? Doesn't this mean your rights are equal to your ex's? I'd call the hospital, explain you have joint legal custody, and demand you know what's going on. Do you know why your child is even there? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted September 18, 2011 Author Share Posted September 18, 2011 I suspect was released over night... the point is that my ex will not allow me to speak to my children today... he is wanting to control what they tell me and wont let me talk to them until tonight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 I would probably call the hospital. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I am sorry. I would be foaming at the mouth and about to devour his heart if I had an ex who spoke to me that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lacie Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 If you have joint custody, he should be required to contact you quickly about any major medical issue and he should not be able to tell you that you cannot talk to the children. That just doesn't seem right. I would talk to your lawyer and call the hospital. I might even drive over there to figure out what is going on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 I suspect was released over night... the point is that my ex will not allow me to speak to my children today... he is wanting to control what they tell me and wont let me talk to them until tonight. Not kosher, but awfully familiar. I'd call my attorney and find out the particulars in the custody laws in your state/agreement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 I'd contact a lawyer. My first thought was what is he trying to hide. If he won't let you talk to the kids until he has a chance to brief them aka tell them what to say to you, I would suspect he was hiding something, and perhaps the child was at the hospital due to something he did. I could be way off base but that was my first thought about it. Because you have joint legal custody and he is withholding the children and medical information I would get a lawyer involved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 Yeah, I'd be fuming! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 I do not know what the law is. As to whether he or the hospital should have immediately contacted you, I guess that depends upon the severity of the injury or illness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tigger Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 Which child was it? 18, 16 or 15 year old? If it's the 18 year old, your ex has no legal obligation to contact you, or tell you what happened (which sucks) even with joint custody since they're 18 and an adult under the law. The 15 or 16 year old, he definitely should have called you and if he hadn't, when you called, he should have been forthright with what happened and the course of events, from going to the hospital to release, to what's happening now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 I do not know what the law is. As to whether he or the hospital should have immediately contacted you, I guess that depends upon the severity of the injury or illness. An ER cannot and does not phone around trying to find out whom to contact. If there is a legal person there with the kid, and not acting in a way CPS or the hospital social worker would be brought in, they just don't have the time or need to call about. I recall a dying old lady whose grandson nearly punched me because I hadn't called him. Her daughter was fully informed, but without his name in the chart, was I to stand on the roof of the hospital and shout for relatives all over the Bronx? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted September 18, 2011 Author Share Posted September 18, 2011 My 16 yr old was in the Er. I understand that they couldn't speak to me over the phone because they cannot verify who I am. What I am talking about is today. They are all home. I am not being allowed to speak to my children. Not okay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 An ER cannot and does not phone around trying to find out whom to contact. If there is a legal person there with the kid, and not acting in a way CPS or the hospital social worker would be brought in, they just don't have the time or need to call about. I recall a dying old lady whose grandson nearly punched me because I hadn't called him. Her daughter was fully informed, but without his name in the chart, was I to stand on the roof of the hospital and shout for relatives all over the Bronx? I understand but it was not clear from original post. My first thought was she was brought to hospital alone by ambulance after being involved in accident. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 :grouphug: very gently.... i would encourage you to be more concerned about the child who required a visit to the hospital than about the ex dh not allowing you to speak to any of them. i can see how they are linked. (ie you want to talk to them about what happened), but the sick child may only see that mom was more mad at dad than worried about them. which isn't at all what i would want. :grouphug: do any of your kids have a cell phone with them? or do you know anyone nearby who could go and check and see? :grouphug::grouphug: ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 JOINT LEGAL CUSTODY? Doesn't this mean your rights are equal to your ex's? I'd call the hospital, explain you have joint legal custody, and demand you know what's going on. Do you know why your child is even there? :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liza Lee Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 You're not going to get good information from your psycho ex and it's not worth paying a lawyer to deal with this single incident. Call the hospital and get the information from them. You will probably have to send them a copy of the custody agreement. Yes, not letting you talk to the children is parental alienation and probably custodial interference. Judges don't really care about that stuff unless it is egregious. What does your custody order say about phone calls? If there is nothing in there, you don't have a case. Get the hospital to send to YOU copies of the paperwork he filled out. If he put false information on there, document it and use it if you want to try to regain custody of this child. If your X or someone in his household injured your child, then you may want to try to get all the kids away from him. But, honestly, these kids are old enough that if they want to stay with Dad, a judge will let them stay with him. I have a psycho ex-husband, too. It sucks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 Not kosher, but awfully familiar. I'd call my attorney and find out the particulars in the custody laws in your state/agreement. :iagree: :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 If you have joint custody, he should be required to contact you quickly about any major medical issue and he should not be able to tell you that you cannot talk to the children. That just doesn't seem right. I would talk to your lawyer and call the hospital. I might even drive over there to figure out what is going on. Yes, yes, and hell yes. Foaming at the mouth and devouring the heart, yes. Call your lawyer, right away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 The medical thing was actually written into my custody agreement. I had to notify my ex of anything medical, no matter how small. I also had to discuss all decisions with him, like for education or trips, although I still had the final say in the matter. I'm sure from a legal standpoint you can challenge his refusal to allow you to speak to your own children, but it would cost for the lawyer. If I were you, I would tell my children that I am very upset that neither of them thought to contact me. Do they have a cell phone and ignored your messages? Or is it likely he took their cell phones away? :grouphug: I tell you honestly. I did a happy dance and took all of my children out for a huge dinner on the occasion of my dd19's eighteenth birthday. It marked the day I no longer had to talk to my ex or his wife. I waited YEARS for that day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 You're not going to get good information from your psycho ex and it's not worth paying a lawyer to deal with this single incident. Call the hospital and get the information from them. You will probably have to send them a copy of the custody agreement. Yes, not letting you talk to the children is parental alienation and probably custodial interference. Judges don't really care about that stuff unless it is egregious. What does your custody order say about phone calls? If there is nothing in there, you don't have a case. Get the hospital to send to YOU copies of the paperwork he filled out. If he put false information on there, document it and use it if you want to try to regain custody of this child. If your X or someone in his household injured your child, then you may want to try to get all the kids away from him. But, honestly, these kids are old enough that if they want to stay with Dad, a judge will let them stay with him. I have a psycho ex-husband, too. It sucks. This is also very good advice. I'd want to know exactly what she was there for too, what the treatment was, etc., from the unbiased source. (I'd still call my lawyer though.) What a psychopath. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 If you call the police and tell them the situation, that your minor child was hurt/injured/ill and that you *have joint custody* but that you are receiving no information about the child, will they visit to check on the child's welfare? Maybe they could advise you about what you can do to find out if the kid is ok? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 :grouphug: very gently.... i would encourage you to be more concerned about the child who required a visit to the hospital than about the ex dh not allowing you to speak to any of them. I am sensing concern that hubby could have screwed up and a child was injured, and that he is trying to get his story straight, and the kids towing it, before allowing contact. I may be off, but if I had no knowledge of WHY a child was in the ER, and the person my child is with is not telling me, and keeping me from asking others, I would be worried, very worried. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liza Lee Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 :grouphug: I tell you honestly. I did a happy dance and took all of my children out for a huge dinner on the occasion of my dd19's eighteenth birthday. It marked the day I no longer had to talk to my ex or his wife. I waited YEARS for that day! I have a countdown calendar on my computer desktop. My youngest ds will be 18 in 959 days. We will have a huge celebration on his 18th birthday, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 BTW, when are they due home? What's to stop them from telling you what happened when they get home? I know that doesn't help for the moment but since he may be briefing them, as you say, you may not get the real story about what happened unless you are looking them directly in the eye and asking for the truth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whereneverever Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I can't imagine how scary and frustrating this must be, mama. I like the police suggestion from up top. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted September 18, 2011 Author Share Posted September 18, 2011 They ARE home. They are not being allowed to speak to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 They ARE home. They are not being allowed to speak to me. Oh, I meant back home to you. If you have joint custody, I was assuming they lived with you as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 Oh, I meant back home to you. If you have joint custody, I was assuming they lived with you as well. From what I understand of the situation, they have joint legal custody but he has full physical custody. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 If you are afraid that your children are upset and being physically barred from speaking to you when they badly want to speak to you, I would either go or if you know someone who lives nearby, have that person go and check things out. Same deal if you suspect that the hospital visit involved negligence or abuse. If you are concerned that your child is not ok and that the situation might be deteriorating for that child, I would be very scared too. If the 18 year old "with it" enough to protect the other child/children? Do any of them have cell phones? If you believe that everything is okay but are upset that you have been excluded from an important event in their lives, I would still be upset. You are a Mom and this kid will always be your child. But I would try to remain calm and just document your efforts and his responses. Is there any chance the child/children don't want to speak to you about what happened? I can't think of any reason to not talk to Mom, unless the ER visit involved some activity they don't want you to know about. What is your worst fear about this? What do you think is likely? The legal stuff is really not the issue if you think your kids are in danger. No judge on earth can draft a custody order that perfectly covers the particulars of every single situation, so there are always going to be disagreements and disputes. And trying to get justice can just get so expensive. But short term, we are worried about the child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2l&j Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 They ARE home. They are not being allowed to speak to me. I'm guessing they live with him?? I'm not thinking that it is legal for him to withhold access to your children but I'm unsure how you go about enforcing it. I would make sure to document, document, document. I would also make a point of checking with my attorney as soon as possible to discuss what can be done in the future. When you are allowed to speak with your children I would not necessarily discuss anything other than your concern about their well being. Ex can deal with your fury over the rest I hope the ER visit wasn't anything too serious and everyone is okay now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 From what I understand of the situation, they have joint legal custody but he has full physical custody. Oh! Yeah, that does suck. I would contact a lawyer about that then. If she is relying totally on him for information and he isn't being honest, I would be upset. But I would still also be upset with my child, at those ages, for not letting me know what's going on either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 In the future I would make sure one of the children had a cell phone so you could reach them without going through a gatekeeper. :glare: I would be furious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tigger Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 Is your 16 year old a boy or girl? Is it possible your child didn't want you to know what happened? If that's the case, most states protect medical records for children, even from parents, for a wide variety of things. I'm playing devil's advocate here - maybe your ex isn't withholding the information to be a nudge, but because your child asked him to? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 I would drive to the hospital with all my documents and ask for the information. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lisamarie Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 If you have the history numbers for your kids, they should be able to give you any info over the phone. I can call and get lab results over the phone if I give my history number. I would pursue it legally. I would request a release of hospital records. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 I would drive to the hospital with all my documents and ask for the information. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 Is it possible that the child in question has asked Dad not to tell you why they were at the ER? Not that it makes it okay. It's just a thought. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 I don't think you can make him do anything without going to court but you can take your documents and get copies of medical reports from the hospital. I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 Not legal. Our decree gives us a certain amount of time that we have to notify each other about "non routine" medical events. Restricting interaction? That is a BIG no-no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 Did you talk to the kids tonight? Did you find out what was going on? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 I would call your attorney to find out how you can get access to those hospital records directly and as soon as possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 (Former family law attorney here.) Joint legal usually means sharing decision making on major life issues (school, religion, medical.) Also means right of access to school records, medical records, etc. If one parent has primary physical custody then often times that parent "controls" communication. They can control if/when a child takes a phone call, has a cell phone or has computer time to respond to emails. It is not nice, but it happens. Unless you have a specifically drafted clause in your divorce stating that "mom has the right to call and speak to children at any time she wishes" there is nothing you can contempt him on in this case. Usually there is more generally language along the lines of "both parents will support communication between the children and the other parent." Is he being manipulative. Yes. Is he being sneaky and trying to hide something. Maybe. If you want the hospital records - you are entitled to them and you should go get them. If you want the back story of what happened...you will either have to wait until you speak to your children privately or you can call your ex and talk to him. In many states the fact that one parent doesn't support communication with the other or prevents communication on a regular basis may be a basis for a change in physical custody. This sounds more like a one time thing. I know it is hard, I know it is unfair but unfortunately it is the reality of divorce. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted September 19, 2011 Author Share Posted September 19, 2011 Thanks, all. I was avoiding giving personal life details, but you did a good job responding with the information you had. Because my ex has a history of inappropriate levels of control and consequences, I felt a strong need to speak to each of my children, particularly my oldest son and my daughter, who was the one who had the ER trip. I knew what it was regarding. I didn't know that she was left alone so that ex could go sleep at home... I didn't know when she was released. I called the ER and they let me know that she was no longer there. On the flip side, ex didn't want me speaking to the children until he had a family meeting regarding the incidence. His girlfriend took the house phone and kept it away from the kids. I called and he told me I could speak to them later, in the evening. I said, no, I wanted to speak to them now. So, I flexed my mommy muscles and called girlfriend's cell and said that if I didn't have my children on the phone within 10 minutes, I'd be on the phone with the sheriff. My daughter did want to talk to me. She told me herself what had happened and she told the truth. That is more valuable to me than having her dad tell me and then hear her side and she would know I knew and wouldn't be telling me herself. I value her honesty. They are currently being told that they have to speak to me on speaker phone only and the younger ones (12 and 13) have been told to stay right next to girlfriend. My 13 year old stood his ground and said, "No, I will talk to my mom privately, " and he walked out of the room. We will be in court soon.... Thanks again for the comments and hugs. Mmmm, stretch and grow. My muscles have gotten stronger.... :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 Well, that is (mostly) good news. Good for you for doing what you did. Those two have some serious, serious problems. I hope your kids are starting to see them for what they are :( :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 :grouphug: during a nervewracking time! "Girlfriends" possess no legal standing, so your dc may ignore everything she may tell them to do, when it is wrong (as is the case here). This is hard on your dc, too. So a :grouphug: for them, as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trresh Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 They are currently being told that they have to speak to me on speaker phone only and the younger ones (12 and 13) have been told to stay right next to girlfriend. This worries me. It sounds like he's hiding something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 :grouphug: as you work through this. It sounds like something fishy is going on. Good for your 13 for speaking up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 This worries me. It sounds like he's hiding something. Or it is just one more way for him to be controlling. Some people thrive on power for no reason other than being able to control someone else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 I wonder what he is afraid you children will tell you. When do you next get to have them for a good visit? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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