Why do people adopt internationally?

[mommaduck]

Mommaduck,

 

There is a very good reason for not wanting an open adoption. It's not malicious. In a good portion of the states, birthparents have many months, not days, not weeks, months and even up to three years to change their minds. That's right! You love them, you bond with them, you parent them, they are YOUR child, and bio mom or dad can up and one day decide to sue to get them back. Everything they "know" about your family after the child is placed with you can be used against you. We have five friends that have completed open adoptions. They will never do another one...NOPE! Each one has been a nightmare. Each one has ended up with their child being returned to the biological parent/s after being with them for a year or more. It is gut wrenching!!!!

 

Yet, in every closed adoption case, not one of our friends has lost their child.

 

It's real easy for everyone who has never gone through it to point fingers and assume ill of the adoptive parents. To be honest with you, I consider it an absolute miracle that any family anywhere is still willing to work in the system. It is astounding to me that there are still such things as adoptions in America because the system is that bad.

 

You could ask us how we know. You could ask about what happened to the 6 year old girl who was supposed to become out little girl a year ago this past Christmas. You could ask. I never posted much of anything about it and I probably never will. So, maybe no one should ask about it. It hurts too much! We are now out of the system...out of domestic adoption, out of international adoption, out of foster-to-adopt. Done. We.will.never.put.our.family.through.that.again.

 

I'm sorry if this comes across rude. We've been badly hurt through the concept of "open adoption" and I can't recommend it to anyone.

 

Faith

 

I'm not pointing fingers or thinking ill of people :) I do think people have the best of intentions most of the time. But many only see if from the side of the adopters, not the adoptees.

 

As an adoptee, I can't tell you how important it was for me to know who my other family was. Starting that one day, I finally felt that I had a connection, people that were like me, and people that called me kin. No, "you're not blood", "you don't look like the others", etc standing in the way. I know a lot of traditional adoptees feel the same way. I know that there are those that don't also (one friend that is an adoptee has no desire to know his bio family). Personally, I feel that the information should be kept on file and open to the adoptee upon reaching adulthood. (btw, I was disowned for finding my dad's sister as they knew I found out a lot of things that day...8yrs and no contact from my stepdad, my mother, nor my two half brothers on that side).

 

FaithManor, I know we are both coming at this from our own experiences. It always helps to understand the other side (even for me). At the same time, not all adoptees get "wonderful" families either (Imp's husband is another example). I think it's difficult for all three parties.

Edited August 28, 2011 by mommaduck

[Dobela]

I'm not pointing fingers or thinking ill of people :) I do think people have the best of intentions most of the time. But many only see if from the side of the adopters, not the adoptees.

 

As an adoptee, I can't tell you how important it was for me to know who my other family was. Starting that one day, I finally felt that I had a connection, people that were like me, and people that called me kin. No, "you're not blood", "you don't look like the others", etc standing in the way. I know a lot of traditional adoptees feel the same way. I know that there are those that don't also (one friend that is an adoptee has no desire to know his bio family). Personally, I feel that the information should be kept on file and open to the adoptee upon reaching adulthood. (btw, I was disowned for finding my dad's sister as they knew I found out a lot of things that day...8yrs and no contact from my stepdad, my mother, nor my two half brothers on that side).

I am sorry they treated you this way. I don't agree with that. If my son wants to find his biological family, I am for it. My dd on the other hand, well, not really, as I know enough about them that they could bring serious harm to her. I am building a file of police, prison, and court reports for her to read someday.

 

I think sometimes attitudes are changing towards adoptions. I am assumming your family experience began over 20 years ago. I have seen big changes in the last 11 as adoption has become talked about in the open and more acceptable in general.

 

Not all family reunifications have happy endings. I have a nephew that decided to find his bio family. To this day he regrets it because they have turned out ot be unstable, clingy types of people. My BIL has no desire to know who his biological family is.

[Ewe Mama]

We have adopted three of our children. The eldest was a traditional, chosen by birth family adoption through an agency. We started out with an agency in our home state, waited for almost two years and then switched to an out-of-state agency where "babies were waiting for families". (We were open to any race and very open to medical issues). Within three months of completing the paperwork with the out-of-state agency, our child was placed in our arms at 17 days of age.

 

As part of the adoption requirements in our home state, if we had wanted to bring home a baby from the hospital prior to all of the relinquishment paperwork being completed, we had to be licensed foster parents to do so. We completed our foster parent trainings and requirements. When our daughter was about 18 months old, we decided to try fostering.

 

A few months later, we were asked to take a baby boy who had been born 12 weeks premature (we had a couple of short-term placements before this, but I'm trying to keep it short). We had a 50% chance of being able to adopt him. The county had to determine paterninty (one potential "dad" was ok, the other one would be automatic termination of parental rights). After one look into that baby's eyes, we were in love. I knew God meant for him to be our child. After one month, the DNA came back saying that the "ok" man was his father, so they were going to place the baby with him, but it would be gradual. Suddenly little things started popping up with the bio dad. Missed visits, failed drug tests, losing his job. "Dad" realized things weren't going well, so he talked his niece into applying to take the baby. After having him for almost five months, our hearts were ripped out when our baby was taken from us to be placed with the niece. I knew in my heart that he was our baby and that God was going to bring him back to us. I never cried so much in my life.

 

About two months later our agency begged us to take an 11 month old boy who had been severely neglected in his previous county foster home. He had been placed flat on his back with a bottle propped in his mouth for 11 months. This child weighed 26 lbs., could not sit up, could not roll over, could barely hold his head up. We agreed to it because he needed emergency placement. We were told that he would be available for immediate adoptive placement. A week later, the county said that they had screwed up his paperwork and he wouldn't be available for another year (as an adoptive placement). That was the last straw for me. I could barely lift the poor child and I was still grieving for our other baby. I could not get attached to this child. We had him for 6 weeks before requesting to have him placed with a different family. In that time, he learned to sit up and hold his head up. He was a sweet little guy, but he just wasn't meant to be ours. He was eventually adopted by the same family who had adopted his other siblings, so it worked out for the best.

 

After we disrupted his placement, we told the agency to put us on hold for any further placements until further notice. A month later, the intake worker called us and apologized because she knew we didn't want to be called, but the caseworker kept begging her to call us. The county worker had our first little guy back and she had promised me that she would call me if anything changed. The bio dad's niece had disrupted the placement because she found out that her son was autistic and she worried about him hurting the baby. A week later we had our baby home. :001_smile: That was one of the happiest days of our lives. When the caseworker brought him back to us, she said that the birthmom was pregnant again. We were asked to take that baby, too.

 

I wish I could say that it was smooth sailing after that, but it wasn't. It was two more years of h*ll before we could adopt the first of our boys and four years of torture before we could finalize his younger brother's adoption. I could tell you stories about the process that would give you nightmares.

 

Sadly, our situation was not at all unique. The county DCFS programs are very flawed. The courts are flawed. Rulings are always being appealed and overturned. The process is a nightmare. You have to be prepared to have your heart ripped out of your chest at a moment's notice when you try to adopt through the foster care system. That is why people do not want to adopt waiting children. I know I don't have the stomach or nerve to try again.

[msjones]

The goal of The System (at least in my part of the US) is reunification of child and biological parent.

 

That's a hard pill to take if your hope is to permanently adopt a child.

 

Our experience with the foster care system was unbelievably bad and I am still heartsick when I think about it all. We will not participate in The System again.

[MaMa2005]

I've heard it said:

 

You sacrifice your money to adopt internationally.

 

You sacrifice your dignity to adopt through the state.

 

Either way, as long as a child gets a loving home, should it matter how their parents went about choosing which path to take?

 

:iagree:

 

 

Fear.

 

Fear of becoming emotionally attached to a child that could be someday returned to the bio. parents despite every legal hoop being properly jumped through.

 

Fear of a legal system that appears inconsistent at best in applying the princlple of "doing what is in the child's best interest".

 

Fear of an egg or sperm donor showing up and leaving gaping wounds in the emotional well-being of the family. (Even if the court is on the side of the adoptive family.)

 

Very well said.

 

 

We adopted from China. We got a boy (very rare at the time) who was 28 months when we brought him home. From start to finish, it took us exactly 1 year and 2 days. He is considered to have a limb difference - a small group of lymph nodes on the top of his right wrist. Two surgeries and things are great.

 

While there were times that it was an emotional roller coaster, we always knew that at the end of the road, we would have a child. For us, there were just too many unknowns/what ifs to adopt domestically.

[mommaduck]

Not all family reunifications have happy endings.

 

This is true. It's not something to go into blindly. Truth is, I could have found my dad's family sooner (I was adopted by a stepparent). I knew I wasn't ready for any let downs. I'll be honest, there has been good and bad, but more good than bad. My dad's a bum...a bigamist to be precise. One brother doesn't fall far from the tree. The rest of the family has been great and I have a wonderful relationship with my sisters. Yes, there is family drama at times. I've learned to put up my boundaries. I step up to bat for my sisters, but have had to disconnect my brother. Normal family stuff. I live in another state, so that helps. But no one tells me that I don't count anymore.

[mommymilkies]

I have not adopted, but I know several who have adopted internationally. One that I know tried for YEARS here to adopt or foster. She had birth mothers deceive her twice for money and take off. She lost an enormous amount of money trying to adopt here. So she went international and had a daughter within months. She is so incredibly happy. It's been her dream for a decade of having a child.

 

If I were to adopt, I would also adopt internationally after what I've seen. The system here is so horribly broken. I know they want to keep bio families together, but honestly so many do not deserve it. I hate to be the one to say that, but I used to work in sp ed and I've seen such horrendous abuse...those kids deserve better. I can't see it doing them anything but harm to be placed back in those families after a couple of years. I never met my father until I was 24 and I do know the feeling of that urge to know your blood. But I think that's something to do when you're an adult. Not when you're a child and have been taken out of a bad situation.

[LidiyaDawn]

Wow. I can't reply beyond a few words at the moment, as I have a baby on my lap and am pecking keys with one hand, but I didn't expect so many responses (and wow - there are a lot more adoptions here than I'd have guessed)…this is wonderful. Thank you all for sharing your experiences and thoughts - even the peeps who got ticked at me for asking. ;)

 

I'm gonna reiterate - I mean no offence, no judgement. It's something I've often wondered, so I'm seeking answers - same as I encourage my kids to do when they want to know something.

 

aaaand on that note - the adorable munchkin on my lap just gave me a present. Shame we don't have a nose-holding smiley! :ack2:

[deacongirl]

And now I just can't help myself from feeling like I have to justify our choices.

 

We began the process requesting a healthy baby girl as young as possible. (In retrospect I would change that to be open to either gender). When we received her referral we were told by the IA dr. it was likely she had thalassemia major--which would have required monthly blood transfusions and comes with a whole lot of other complications. We accepted the referral, and thankfully for her and us she is healthy. I do believe she is the daughter we were meant to have. After our paperwork was completed but before it was sent to Vietnam we came very close to switching to Ethiopia. It was an agonizing and painful and difficult choice. Our daughter was born on the day we made the choice to stick with Vietnam. (I know because I kept a journal).

[Lolly]

I find it sad how many refuse open adoption or don't want their children to know about their birth family. I'm afraid my mother broke a couple's heart as well (changed her mind the day she was supposed to sign the last forms)....mainly because she couldn't deal with the idea of never knowing what happened to me if she let me go.

 

While we did not want an open adoption, we would have considered it. (It is just open to so many possible conflicts. We wanted to adopt a child, not a child and it's "other family". Open adoption runs a large number of possible scenarios.) Even so, there just are not the plethora of children waiting to be adopted. THEY DO NOT EXIST. IT IS A MYTH. While there are millions of children who need homes in this country, they are mostly not adoptable. These children are in need of foster homes because their parents have not terminated their parental rights. A large portion of those have special needs which are tremendous to take on purposefully. It takes some very special people to knowingly and willingly parent a nonbiological child who has mental and physical problems.

[isitnaptime]

[quote=Homeschool Mom in AZ;

 

Parents who already have 2 or more kids can forget any kind of private adoption in the US unless they know the birthmother and she wants them to adopt her baby. If you were a birthmother would you choose an adoptive family that had a) no children b)children. Almost every birthmother (birthmothers are about 1% of women experiencing an unwanted pregnancy in the US) chooses a) the childless couple for obvious reasons.

 

 

Just incase there are prospective adoptive parents reading this thread, this is not always true. I am sure there is a large percent of expectant parents that choose childless couples, but not all. Some want the adoptive family to have experience parenting and built in siblings.

We had 2 bio children when we adopted domestically. After our home study was done it was 4 months until we were chosen by our daughters birth mom, and one more month until she was born.

 

Our friends with 5 bio kids adopted at the same time, their adoption took 9 months. They were also picked one other time in there but she chose to parent.

 

All this is to say you can adopt domestically if you already have children in you home.

[jenncslp]

Because there are MILLIONS of orphans worldwide. More than enough to go around.

 

Some, like my niece and nephew from Ethiopia, are HIV + and will die very young if they stay in their own country without access to medical care. Others, who are "imperfect" in other ways will be put in mental institutions or turned out on the street to become prostitutes (http://reecesrainbow.org).

 

I thank God that there are folks called to adopt internationally. We plan to when our children are older.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

[redsquirrel]

I have many friends who have adopted in this country. When I say many I am thinking more than 10 families. They have great families. What they didn't get was an infant. They all adopted toddlers. In all cases it seemed like they got their child fairly quickly, less than 18 month between working with an agency and placement. In some cases, they were able to adopt infant siblings from the same mother after the initial adoption.

 

One family only works with the social service system and they are only willing to be adoption track only. That means, they do not foster kids who are not already released for adoption. The parental rights have already been terminated so there is no chance of the child going back to their bio family. They have four kids.

 

I only have one friend who adopted internationally. That was a while ago, when the upheaval in the former soviet union was happening. They had been wanting to adopt for a long time and when there were many children being made available for adoption they decided to go for it. They did get a baby, not a toddler.

[melissel]

The bio dad's niece had disrupted the placement because she found out that her son was autistic and she worried about him hurting the baby. A week later we had our baby home. :001_smile: That was one of the happiest days of our lives. When the caseworker brought him back to us, she said that the birthmom was pregnant again. We were asked to take that baby, too.

 

Your story made me :crying::crying::crying:

[jujsky]

Every time that I read about someone adopting from somewhere overseas, I always wonder why -- why do people go thousands and thousands of miles away, often with great risk (financially, emotionally)…dealing with potentially corrupt people (within agencies, but also within the governments of these countries)… all of the craziness that goes along with it… Why do people do that when they could easily adopt right here? There are sooooo many kids in need of homes right here in [i'm in Canada, but I know most of the board is in the USA, a few in other countries - fill in yours] ……it seems curious to me when people go through all of the hardships* to adopt from a foreign country.

 

 

First off, you can't "easily adopt right here." There is nothing easy about adoption no matter where you adopt from. I don't know about Canada, but in the US, most of the kids in foster care are not even eligible for adoption -- parental rights have not been terminated. By the time parental rights have been terminated, many of these kids are older or part of a sibling group (sometimes a large sibling group) that the system understandably does not want broken up. Many of these children also have issues -- they're on medication for any number of things, they've suffered neglect, abuse, etc. These kids have a ton of baggage that not every person who wants to adopt is equipped to handle. Many are non-Caucasian or mixed race. I am no racist, but that is another consideration. You have to be prepared to face outside prejudice, constantly be questioned in public by strangers if that is your "real" child, and deal with an extra-layer of the child's identity/self-discovery process (adoption issues + racial identity issues). I'm not saying that's bad, but realistically you have to be prepared to face that stuff and not everyone is and not everyone who thinks they can help a child work through that can do it well. Adoption issues are tough. Even in ideal situations where you end up with a baby or young child that hasn't experienced any of these things (think a young mother who knows she can't care for her child and has lovingly created and adoption plan) that child will have questions and will grieve his/her loss to some extent. Nothing about adoption is easy -- not for the child, the birth parents, or the adoptive parents.

 

Laws in most US states put the rights of the biological parents ahead of what is truly in the best interest of the child. I watched my mom's best friend adopt through the foster care system when I was a teenager. She was a school nurse married to a guidance counselor. They had been married 20+ years, in a stable relationship, and could not have children. She got a baby who was only a few weeks old born addicted to drugs. Because parental rights were not terminated, the birth parents still had supervised visitation. That baby who grew into a toddler dreaded those visits. It caused him psychological trauma to visit with his birth parents. It was to the point where if they even drove near the street where the visits took place, he would start crying and hyperventilating saying, "No, Mummy! No, Mummy! Please, Mummy, NO!" Picture that in your head for a minute. Picture your own child doing that. Imagine the gut-wrenching pain and conflict you feel that you know this is not best for your child (and even though you didn't give birth to him, this IS your child -- you were the one who got him through the drug withdrawals, you are the one who nurses him when he's sick, you're the one that does all of his day-to-day care, and you're the one he calls Mommy) you have to give put your child in an emotionally painful situation every week because the law says you have to. You have no control. Your child is in pain and you can do NOTHING about it. Now picture how your child reacts every time he comes home from one of those visits. He is angry. He starts calling you by your first name because the birth mother has told him during the whole visit, "She's not your mommy, I'm your mommy. She's Pat. Call her Pat." He hits, he's uncontrollable. It takes well over a week for your child to stabilize and get back to normal. A few days later it's time for another visit. Wash, rinse, repeat for 4 years.

 

They didn't adopt him until he was 5. That's when parental rights were terminated. Oh, but things weren't over. Between the termination and the adoption, the grandmother stepped up. She had wanted nothing to do with him up until that point (in Maine she would have been granted custody if she wanted him at birth or even after-- grandparents have "first rights" there after parents -- but she didn't want to deal with a drug-addicted baby or an out-of-control toddler), but changed her mind. She didn't care that this child had been through emotional h*ll. She wanted him. If the lawyer hadn't dug up a prior embarrassing, criminal record and told the grandmother that if she continued to go after custody, this would be revealed in court, there is a very real possibility that the then 5 year-old, traumatized little boy would have been ripped out of the arms of his loving, stable parents and handed to someone who was a stranger to him.

 

Now imagine you've witnessed all this as a teen. You've seen all the ups and down, watched your mom's best friend cry on her shoulder, seen the pain in her eyes, and at times wondered if that little boy (who you see regularly and adore) would one day disappear from your life. Fast forward to adulthood. You are now an adult. You and your husband have fertility problems and face a pregnancy loss. You decide to adopt. Would you adopt in the US through foster care where a child could be placed with you and just as easily ripped away? Do you do a private adoption where you're matched with a birth parent, get your hopes up, pay thousands and thousands of dollars in medical expenses and legal fees, fly across country to meet your baby only to be told, "Sorry, I've changed my mind," by the birth mother? This happened -- twice -- to a man I used to work with and he and his wife were out all that money too. There was no getting it back. That was nothing compared to the emotional heartache they endured. Or would you at that point look at international adoption where yes -- an adoption could fall through, but there are so many children (and babies! young babies!) that need homes that the chances of you being shortly matched with another child (as opposed to starting the whole US search for birth parents over again and it taking another 2-3 years with the potential it will yet again fall through) were very strong?

 

We knew the risks of IA vs. domestic adoption. There is no right or wrong, but rather a series of pros and cons you have to evaluate and weigh. For us, based on the heartbreaking experiences I witnesses, based on our desire for a Caucasian infant (DH was strongly opposed to putting a child in the position to constantly answer, "Are those your REAL parents?" or listen to strangers asking if he/she was our "real" child), based on DH's strong opposition to having any contact with the birth parents (not uncommon in domestic adoption in the US) based on our heritage (DH is from Russia and we felt we could a Russian child the benefit of being exposed to both his native culture and his new American culture) we chose Russia. Are we sometimes judged for that? Yes. Do I care? Honestly? Sort of. If people really understood all the ins and outs of adoption and why people choose different routes, they may not be so quick to judge.

 

There seems to be an attitude (and I'm not saying, OP, that you necessarily have it) that people who adopt should "take what they can get" and adopt locally. Why? It's not even in the best interest of the child if a child is adopted into a home that is not equipped to deal with him/her. People adopting need to be realistic and evaluate what they truly can and can't handle. When people don't do this you hear the stories of children being abused, neglected, and killed. Most of these parents were not evil people despite how the media paints them. Many of them were ignorant about adoption issues and wound up in an overwhelming situation they couldn't handle, plus there is a lack of support services in this country to help handle many of the issues adopted kids present (RAD, drug & alcohol problems, racial identity issues, mental problems, health problems, etc). That's the danger of the "take what you can get and be thankful for it" mentality. Also, I can honestly tell you that after dealing with infertility and a miscarriage that I emotionally would not have been able to handle the real or perceived loss of another child. DH would have had to commit me. That is not an exaggeration. IA was more or less a "sure thing" for us at the time. If adoption in this country was easy, if we could have been matched quickly and without complications with a reasonably healthy infant or toddler (we would have taken a child up to 2), and if we didn't have to have contact with the birth family, we would have adopted here. We felt the risk for disappointment was too great.

 

As far as corruption in adoption goes, it happens here too. Baby selling occurs, only it's not called that. Some birth mothers may not get paid cash, but some get college tuition paid or other benefits. Sometimes cash does trade hands if you have a shady lawyer. Just because it's the US doesn't mean corruption doesn't occur. In Russia there are so many babies without families that I'm not worried they were obtained illegally -- they most likely aren't. I know not all the adoption fees go to the orphanages, but what does make it there is doing a world of good.

[Murmer]

People chose their own routes toward adoption for many different, very personal reasons. That said that the stats are not in favor of adoption in the US. According to the National Council for Adoption 3 million children are born every year in unplanned pregnancies. Of that 1.3 million will be aborted, 1.2 million will be raised by the biological family, and only 18,000 will be placed for adoption. From the agencies I have talked to every baby they get will be adopted there is no lack of adoptive families for a baby born in the US that is placed for adoption. Regarding Foster care adoption sadly the process is broken and has been for years for both biological families, foster and adoptive parents. So many of the millions of children truly are not available for adoption and will end up aging out of the system. :(

[jujsky]

In most adoptions you make a beautiful scrapbook of your life and use it as a way to sell yourself to birthmothers. You may be picked right away, or never. You may be picked because you have the same religious background, or because she liked the NFL team on your dh's shirt. Emotions run incredibly high for you and for her. After 2 or 3 attempts where you can't be refunded the thousands you provided for a birthmother's care even though she changes your mind, you are broke with no child. At least with international adoption the children are already there and waiting.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Yes, this! And the NFL comment struck a nerve with me. When we were going through IA, our friends were going through domestic adoption. It took us 6 months start to finish (Russia was moving quickly at the time and our agency had excellent facilitators in place) it took our friends over 2 years. They were about to switch to IA when they were finally matched. Anyway, during the 2+ years of trying to adopt, they were turned down numerous times even though they were the "perfect" couple (20s, family nearby, owned a home, stable jobs, mom would be SAH & had a background in early childhood and ABA therapy for autism, etc). The most ridiculous reason they were turned down? They had dogs instead of cats. The birth mother liked cats and wanted her child to go to a home with a cat. They were also turned down several times because they didn't have children and the birth mothers wanted those babies to have siblings.

[serendipitous journey]

I don't have time to read the other replies, so this may not be helpful ... my dearest college friend chose to adopt from Korea. Setting aside questions of why Korea rather than another international adoption, she chose to adopt outside the US because she thought she would do best with an infant without special needs. When she researched doing an infant adoption in the States, she felt (she would say "found", but I am leaving room for interpretation) that in order to have the best chance of successfully adopting an American infant she would have to "sell" herself to the birth mother as a good prospect. Particularly, she would need to try and keep the birth mother convinced that my friend would give the baby a better life. She was incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of trying to convince a woman to yield her child.

 

Also, my friend's marriage had been stressed by several years of infertility problems/treatment and three miscarriages, and she thought the international adoption route would be less emotionally fraught.

 

This is just her perception, and her particular constraints; neither she nor I would say that people who adopt US babies are doing anything unethical, and I personally know such an adoption that went so well for everyone involved, incl. the birth mother who already had four children she was raising.

 

blessings,

ana

Edited August 28, 2011 by serendipitous journey

[Ewe Mama]

Your story made me :crying::crying::crying:

 

 

In what sense?

[GingerPoppy]

I haven't read all the responses, but I will tell you my aunt's experience. They (aunt and uncle) already had two children who were teens. They never particularly intended to adopt. But, they lived internationally throughout my uncle's working years, and somehow ended up "touring" an orphanage in Poland.

 

There was a family of 4 kids (from the same mother, although 2 different fathers) living there, and my aunt really wanted to help them stay together as a family. She knew it was unlikely anyone would adopt all 4. So she talked to her brother and his wife (who already had 3 teens) about each of them taking 2 of the kids, so they could at least remain in the same extended family and see each other at times.

 

They decided to go ahead with it, and each took two children. So why did they adopt internationally? Because it just spoke to them at the time, and was something that happened to grab their hearts.

 

Now, I can't say the story has a particularly happy ending. When they were first found, I think they ranged from about age 5 - 10. When adopted, perhaps 7 - 12. Their mother was still alive, so there were some difficulties putting the adoption through. Now they are all in their late teens to early 20s. They have caused considerable heartache for both sets of aunts and uncles. Many pregnancies, dropping out of school, lying, stealing, and on and on. In great part I blame the birth mom, who drank through her pregnancies, and it appears that her kids suffer mild effects of fetal alcohol syndrome. Anyway, it has not been an easy road at all, from the very beginning.

 

A client of mine, who adopted 3 kids domestically, age 5 - 9 (after raising her own 4), has also suffered tremendously, as each kid in turn reached the mid-teen years and ran away permanently from home and cut off most ties the the adoptive family. It's so very sad to watch.

[zimom]

There have been many replies already to sum up why adopting within 'The System' is not near as easy as most believe. For me, I wanted a child, and I carefully evaluated what I was and was not comfortable with. Top of my list was I knew emotionally I could not deal with losing a child once he/she was placed in my arms. After a lot of research we decided to adopt from China for a number of reasons but a few important ones included that the adoption was final within 24 hours of the child being placed in our arms, we believe corruption in the China-adopt process is minimal compared to some other countries and overall fees were reasonable compared to some countries with a well chosen agency.

 

With the help of a reputable agency, we brought our older daughter home in 1998 at 10 months of age. She was considered a special needs adoption and wears a hearing aid in one ear but it certainly does not affect her day to day. We used the same agency again in 2005, and in just five months start to finish we were able to bring home our youngest daughter at 18 months of age. Her special need is considered a little more significant as she has a prosthetic leg but it really doesn't slow her down a bit. China remains a stable program to adopt from, families just need to be open to consider children with what China defines as 'special needs', often very mild from what Americans define as 'special needs'.

[sparrow]

Every time that I read about someone adopting from somewhere overseas, I always wonder why -- why do people go thousands and thousands of miles away, often with great risk (financially, emotionally)…dealing with potentially corrupt people (within agencies, but also within the governments of these countries)… all of the craziness that goes along with it… Why do people do that when they could easily adopt right here? There are sooooo many kids in need of homes right here in [i'm in Canada, but I know most of the board is in the USA, a few in other countries - fill in yours] ……it seems curious to me when people go through all of the hardships* to adopt from a foreign country.

 

Don't get me wrong - I think it's WONDERFUL that those kids get loving homes. I'm just wondering what it is that motivates people to go *that way* when the system is overflowing (sadly) with kids in need right here.

 

I'm asking out of genuine curiosity - not judgement for doing so (really. I'm just curious) - and wonder if anyone who has done an international adoption would care to share their reasons?

 

 

*re:hardships.. I don't mean to say that the hardships aren't "worth it" .. a child has gotten a home, a healthy & safe home.. that's always worth it.. but I think people know what I mean about it.. ?

 

Because my children were there.

[Elinor Everywhere]

Fear.

 

Fear of becoming emotionally attached to a child that could be someday returned to the bio. parents despite every legal hoop being properly jumped through.

 

Fear of a legal system that appears inconsistent at best in applying the princlple of "doing what is in the child's best interest".

 

Fear of an egg or sperm donor showing up and leaving gaping wounds in the emotional well-being of the family. (Even if the court is on the side of the adoptive family.)

 

This. I had no doubt that when we took our (then) 6yo son from Ukraine, we would never hear from anyone there again. And other then dear friends we made while in Ukraine, we never did.

[deacongirl]

Because my children were there.

 

Great answer.:iagree:

[Reeciecup]

Fear.

 

Fear of becoming emotionally attached to a child that could be someday returned to the bio. parents despite every legal hoop being properly jumped through.

 

Fear of a legal system that appears inconsistent at best in applying the princlple of "doing what is in the child's best interest".

 

Fear of an egg or sperm donor showing up and leaving gaping wounds in the emotional well-being of the family. (Even if the court is on the side of the adoptive family.)

 

 

As the birthmother of a child I gave up for adoption.......I hate hate hate when people refer to people like my husband and I as an egg or sperm donor.

 

Birthparents are not simply donors, they are the people who create adoptive families. Without them there would be no adoptive families. If you adopted a child you should go down on your knees and thank God that those people had unprotected sex that led to the creation of your family. And then made the difficult decision to carry that pregnancy to term.

 

You cannot expect that a birthparent will ever forget that child you have. And adoptive parents should never forget the amazing gift that was given to them.

[twoforjoy]

Because there are MILLIONS of orphans worldwide. More than enough to go around.

 

I was just talking to my DH about this thread. He was saying that he had read something--he can't remember from where--where the authors had concluded that, given the conditions in third world orphanages and the impact those conditions have on a child's psychological and physical well-being, the single most effective thing anybody could do to improve the life of a child is to adopt a child from a third world orphanage. There's no other single act that has such a profound positive impact on a child's life.

 

Obviously kids can and should be adopted in first world nations, too, but the conditions there are not so dire and the impact of being in "the system," while negative, isn't as profoundly destructive. For those who feel called to adopt internationally, there are very good justifications for doing so (not that justifications are needed, IMO).

[mommaduck]

As the birthmother of a child I gave up for adoption.......I hate hate hate when people refer to people like my husband and I as an egg or sperm donor.

 

Birthparents are not simply donors, they are the people who create adoptive families. Without them there would be no adoptive families. If you adopted a child you should go down on your knees and thank God that those people had unprotected sex that led to the creation of your family. And then made the difficult decision to carry that pregnancy to term.

 

You cannot expect that a birthparent will ever forget that child you have. And adoptive parents should never forget the amazing gift that was given to them.

 

Very true. Even though my dad's ATTITUDE and BEHAVIOUR qualifies him for "sperm donor" status (my sisters and I have occasionally used the term), he's still our dad and we've come to terms with that.

[Rose in BC]

Perhaps the rules are different in Canada.

 

I have often wondered the same thing and, in fact, when we adopted our dd domestically we had friends who went to the Ukraine because they wanted to adopt a baby and they were afraid of fetal alcohol. So our experience included going through a 9 month process to get on the private agencies list and then waiting to be selected. . . which took 18 months. Ours is an open adoption. When we were selected we met the birthparents two weeks before our dd was born and then when she was 10 days old, the day we picked her up. In BC at that time the birthmother could sign the relinquishing papers at day 10 and then the adoption was final. No changing minds. We have never had contact with either birth parent since but have had some with the maternal grandparents (very positive). They live far away from us.

 

At the same time, our friend did adopt a 6 month old girl who later was diagnosed with FAS. Adopting internationally did not prevent that and i would argue FAS is an equal opportunity risk. Only you wouldn't necessarily know it with an international adoption, domestically (at least here in BC) they lay out the good, the bad and the ugly.

 

Our two boys were adopted out of foster care at the age of 4. It took us about 6 months to complete the paperwork and studies. They are not open adoption but we have a lot of background information about both our boys. And we have had support from the Ministry of children and Families over the years.

 

All to say that choosing to adopt domestically or internationally is a personal choice, both valid. I think its a mistake to think one is "better" than the other. Both are fraught with uncertainties. That's the nature of adoption. Hey, I'd venture to say that's the nature of parenting :).

[LucyStoner]

There are not as many legally free for adoption infants and young toddlers as you might think. Domestic adoptions can also be fraught with what happens when the mom or the dad changes their mind in a certain time frame.

 

I have friends who worked with 4 pregnant moms, at great cost financially and emotionally. The first three moms changed their minds and kept the baby. That is totally an acceptable choice but imagine going through that as the hopeful adoptive mom and a dad. Later, when they tried to adopt a second child who was already legally free, it was very, very hard as well. I have other friends that foster and adopt and they raised a son from birth, the boy was reunited with him mom at age 1 and then the mom's recovery fell apart and the foster parents got the son back and legally adopted him...after he had spent almost a year being physically and sexually abused by the mom's boyfriend. :crying: I can see why they never want to go through that again as parents.

 

Also, some people feel drawn to adopt for a particular country either because if their heritage or just a feeling.

 

Finally, sadly race still plays a factor. I have a friend who is an adoption coordinator for African American infants specifically and many parents won't sign up for it. She has couples from Canada and England and Germany in some cases adopting from her all infants program.

[Ginevra]

I was just talking to my DH about this thread. He was saying that he had read something--he can't remember from where--where the authors had concluded that, given the conditions in third world orphanages and the impact those conditions have on a child's psychological and physical well-being, the single most effective thing anybody could do to improve the life of a child is to adopt a child from a third world orphanage. There's no other single act that has such a profound positive impact on a child's life.

 

Obviously kids can and should be adopted in first world nations, too, but the conditions there are not so dire and the impact of being in "the system," while negative, isn't as profoundly destructive. For those who feel called to adopt internationally, there are very good justifications for doing so (not that justifications are needed, IMO).

 

Was it, by any chance, in the book Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids? The author of that book made those assertions.

 

I loved that book, BTW. It was hilarious and true at the same time. :D

[Tangerine]

As the birthmother of a child I gave up for adoption.......I hate hate hate when people refer to people like my husband and I as an egg or sperm donor.

 

I really thought the poster was talking about a literal egg or sperm donor. As in financial transaction for an egg or sperm.

[mommaduck]

I really thought the poster was talking about a literal egg or sperm donor. As in financial transaction for an egg or sperm.

 

No, it was being used as the derogatory term for birthparents.

[Ginevra]

We have adopted three of our children. The eldest was a traditional, chosen by birth family adoption through an agency. We started out with an agency in our home state, waited for almost two years and then switched to an out-of-state agency where "babies were waiting for families". (We were open to any race and very open to medical issues). Within three months of completing the paperwork with the out-of-state agency, our child was placed in our arms at 17 days of age.

 

As part of the adoption requirements in our home state, if we had wanted to bring home a baby from the hospital prior to all of the relinquishment paperwork being completed, we had to be licensed foster parents to do so. We completed our foster parent trainings and requirements. When our daughter was about 18 months old, we decided to try fostering.

 

A few months later, we were asked to take a baby boy who had been born 12 weeks premature (we had a couple of short-term placements before this, but I'm trying to keep it short). We had a 50% chance of being able to adopt him. The county had to determine paterninty (one potential "dad" was ok, the other one would be automatic termination of parental rights). After one look into that baby's eyes, we were in love. I knew God meant for him to be our child. After one month, the DNA came back saying that the "ok" man was his father, so they were going to place the baby with him, but it would be gradual. Suddenly little things started popping up with the bio dad. Missed visits, failed drug tests, losing his job. "Dad" realized things weren't going well, so he talked his niece into applying to take the baby. After having him for almost five months, our hearts were ripped out when our baby was taken from us to be placed with the niece. I knew in my heart that he was our baby and that God was going to bring him back to us. I never cried so much in my life.

 

About two months later our agency begged us to take an 11 month old boy who had been severely neglected in his previous county foster home. He had been placed flat on his back with a bottle propped in his mouth for 11 months. This child weighed 26 lbs., could not sit up, could not roll over, could barely hold his head up. We agreed to it because he needed emergency placement. We were told that he would be available for immediate adoptive placement. A week later, the county said that they had screwed up his paperwork and he wouldn't be available for another year (as an adoptive placement). That was the last straw for me. I could barely lift the poor child and I was still grieving for our other baby. I could not get attached to this child. We had him for 6 weeks before requesting to have him placed with a different family. In that time, he learned to sit up and hold his head up. He was a sweet little guy, but he just wasn't meant to be ours. He was eventually adopted by the same family who had adopted his other siblings, so it worked out for the best.

 

After we disrupted his placement, we told the agency to put us on hold for any further placements until further notice. A month later, the intake worker called us and apologized because she knew we didn't want to be called, but the caseworker kept begging her to call us. The county worker had our first little guy back and she had promised me that she would call me if anything changed. The bio dad's niece had disrupted the placement because she found out that her son was autistic and she worried about him hurting the baby. A week later we had our baby home. :001_smile: That was one of the happiest days of our lives. When the caseworker brought him back to us, she said that the birthmom was pregnant again. We were asked to take that baby, too.

 

I wish I could say that it was smooth sailing after that, but it wasn't. It was two more years of h*ll before we could adopt the first of our boys and four years of torture before we could finalize his younger brother's adoption. I could tell you stories about the process that would give you nightmares.

 

Sadly, our situation was not at all unique. The county DCFS programs are very flawed. The courts are flawed. Rulings are always being appealed and overturned. The process is a nightmare. You have to be prepared to have your heart ripped out of your chest at a moment's notice when you try to adopt through the foster care system. That is why people do not want to adopt waiting children. I know I don't have the stomach or nerve to try again.

 

Oh, my word, Sheep Lady! :crying: My heart is breaking for you. What a terrible amount of agony to endure and I'm sure I don't know the half of it.

[Guest Barb B]

Two thoughts: one is that we have 2 bio. kids so our chances of any US adoption were slim. Most important: does it really matter what county a child is from? This is what I don't get, why make a distinction between US and international adoption? Why does it matter at all? God sees beyond nationality so shouldn't we. A family is a family and a child is a child: it doesn't matter what county the child was initially from. Really, to God the world is a very small place: one form of adoption isn't wrong or better then the other.

Barb

[Guest Barb B]

Because my children were there.

 

Best answer yet! In fact my son can tell you why we flew to Guatemala to bring him home: because that is where he (our son) was!

Barb

[Dobela]

As far as corruption in adoption goes, it happens here too. Baby selling occurs, only it's not called that. Some birth mothers may not get paid cash, but some get college tuition paid or other benefits. Sometimes cash does trade hands if you have a shady lawyer. Just because it's the US doesn't mean corruption doesn't occur.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: Until about a year ago I was very involved in our area adoption groups. The number of 'Christian' 'non-profit' agencies essentially marketing babies to the highest bidder is sickening.

[Haiku]

I'm just wondering what it is that motivates people to go *that way* when the system is overflowing (sadly) with kids in need right here.

 

Having worked in foster care and foster/adopt, I can assure you that adopting through foster care can be just as risky and uncertain as adopting internationally. The only difference is it's free.

 

There are lots of kids in foster care here. Many of them are not legally free for adoption. And even for the ones that are ... when you submit paperwork to adopt a child in foster care, your paperwork is sent to "committee" with the paperwork of all the other families who have expressed interest in adopting that child. You may not get chosen. I know several families who have been to committee multiple times and never been chosen.

 

As for why we adopted internationally ... well, that's where our kids happened to be.

 

I don't think that kids in the US are any more worthy of families than kids anywhere else.

 

I understand that you are treading gently here, but I will caution you against asking families in real life about this. It's honestly none of your business, and it's rude to call into question the way a family chose to build itself.

 

Tara

[eternalknot]

A good friend of mine is Asian, and her husband White. They live in California.

 

The county they live in would only place with them a child that matched their ethnic make-up. That was the official policy. They would need an Asian or half-Asian child to come up, and in the area they live in that's just not very common. Asians there tend to lean heavily on family rather than placing a child in the system.

 

After years of waiting, not to mention heartache and frustration, they considered international adoption. In the end they opted out of that route, too, just too broken from years of dealing with the domestic process.

 

They were open to any race, any age up to six and would consider a sibling set. In the years they waited, that description had to have met a great number of available children (given the socio-demographics of the area). They were offered none.

[Scarymelon]

We were drawn to Ethiopia after reading the book there is no me without you. One issue that was suprising for us is that our girls are not really orphans. Their Mom died in child birth, but we have exchanged a few very brief letters with their father, who could not raise them and brought them to the orphanage.

[Murmer]

As the birthmother of a child I gave up for adoption.......I hate hate hate when people refer to people like my husband and I as an egg or sperm donor.

 

Birthparents are not simply donors, they are the people who create adoptive families. Without them there would be no adoptive families. If you adopted a child you should go down on your knees and thank God that those people had unprotected sex that led to the creation of your family. And then made the difficult decision to carry that pregnancy to term.

 

You cannot expect that a birthparent will ever forget that child you have. And adoptive parents should never forget the amazing gift that was given to them.

 

Yet another myth you are helping to break! Birthfamilies are not people to be feared they are people to be loved and thanked. The 2 woman who placed their children are INCREDIBLE. They didn't always make the best choices but this time they made the VERY BEST choice for them at that time. I am sure it was hard and is still something they each deal with often but they are the most amazing women and I am grateful to share our children with them.

I will say regarding open adoption, we were not open when we started but then we met my dd's birthmother and I was ready to be as open as possible. She choose not to be open. So with my son we have a very open relationship, texting, visits and it has been one of the most incredible parts of adoption. She gets to see the child she loves and get her questions answered and I got to know from her own text message and talking with her that she does not regret her choice to place her son in our home.

[Reeciecup]

I really thought the poster was talking about a literal egg or sperm donor. As in financial transaction for an egg or sperm.

 

I think since the thread is about adoption, she was most likely talking about adoptive parents. It's a very common derogatory term for people like me.

[SKL]

I'd like to address the comment about racism. I do not deny that some people opt against adopting a child who does not "look like them," and I'm sure they have their reasons. (There are many white families who do adopt from Ethiopia and other countries where the orphans are biologically African, but I'm not going to focus on that right now.)

 

Personally I chose a country where the orphans are neither white nor African. I'll tell you honestly why I did not pursue an adoption from, say, Ethiopia. I know that growing up black in the USA is a unique experience, and the parent of a black child needs to be qualified (in my opinion) to guide him through that. Personally I did not feel fully qualified to do that. I felt qualified to guide my non-white, non-African kids, but I feel being "black in America" is significantly different. Basically there are too many people who decide, just at a glance, that a black child (or adult) is stupid or a behavior problem, and will act accordingly. I've seen this when I was volunteering with young children in school, for example. It's heartbreaking and I did not feel I had the tools to get a child through it. I'm not saying no white parent does, but I felt I didn't. It had nothing to do with "me" being racist. More being aware of complexities of racism.

[SKL]

I just want to say that reading this thread is keeping me on the edge of tears. And needing to go hug the heck out of my daughters.

[Tangerine]

I think since the thread is about adoption, she was most likely talking about adoptive parents. It's a very common derogatory term for people like me.

 

Well, ew then. :glare:

[AngelBee]

My reason: MONEY.

 

I plan on adopting from Liberia someday.

 

I can not afford to adopt from the US. I can help a sibling set of 4 in Liberia for the cost of one child in the US.

 

Plus, dark skinned children have lower adoption rates. :( And males.

 

I am also interested in adopting from foster care in the US.

[AngelBee]

I adopted internationally because God directed me that way. While we have a system that is overflowing here, we also have a very broken system. There are also SO MANY opportunities here...compared to these other countries these children do not know poverty.

 

Children with Down Syndrome, like my daughter, in many countries will never make it past birth. There's little to no medical help. They are starved to death, literally. At age 5 many countries in Eastern Europe send the kiddos with special needs to their asylums, they are tied to beds, they never see the light of day, they are hosed done for an occasional cleaning...it's inhumane.

 

Here's some links of what it is like in these institutions:

 

 

 

http://www.nogreaterjoymom.com/2010/06/i-left-my-heart-there.html

 

I'm not trying to be snarky, but I'm always amazed by the people who will criticize those who adopt internationally, when they are not filling up their homes with kiddos here. I say if God calls you to adopt from the US, then by all means do it, but if not, don't criticize those who are trying to make a difference.

I would LOVE to chat with you sometimes about special needs adoption. I have "felt" the presence of a down syndrome child in my life and I am not sure what it means. I actually was speaking to dh about it and wondering if it was a call to adoption.

[AngelBee]

We wanted an infant.

 

We did not want an open adoption.

 

We did not want to live with the fear of the birth mom changing her mind (this happened to a close friend of mine...twice)

 

The process for us was actually cheaper, faster, and more reliable than domestic adoption. I know people who were on waiting lists for years for a domestic adoption.

 

We DID foster 5 children in the U.S. We tried to adopt two of them. it was an absolute nightmare and it never worked out. CPS put them back with their drug-addict father and ex-con mother.

 

Unless you have actually TRIED to adopt domestically, you don't know what it is like. People have said to me "there are so many kids in the U.S. that need homes. Why don't you adopt those kids?" To which I answer, go ahead and try. See how that works out for you.

 

Believe me, if it were easier or cheaper to adopt domestically people would do

it.

 

:grouphug: and :iagree: with so much of what you said.

[LucyStoner]

I'd like to address the comment about racism. I do not deny that some people opt against adopting a child who does not "look like them," and I'm sure they have their reasons. (There are many white families who do adopt from Ethiopia and other countries where the orphans are biologically African, but I'm not going to focus on that right now.)

 

Personally I chose a country where the orphans are neither white nor African. I'll tell you honestly why I did not pursue an adoption from, say, Ethiopia. I know that growing up black in the USA is a unique experience, and the parent of a black child needs to be qualified (in my opinion) to guide him through that. Personally I did not feel fully qualified to do that. I felt qualified to guide my non-white, non-African kids, but I feel being "black in America" is significantly different. Basically there are too many people who decide, just at a glance, that a black child (or adult) is stupid or a behavior problem, and will act accordingly. I've seen this when I was volunteering with young children in school, for example. It's heartbreaking and I did not feel I had the tools to get a child through it. I'm not saying no white parent does, but I felt I didn't. It had nothing to do with "me" being racist. More being aware of complexities of racism.

 

I agree with you. My brother is African American with Caucasian parents (we have the same biological mother and our mom married and our dad (my bio dad, his adoptive) adopted him and they had two more kids) and it takes a lot to raise a child to deal with the racism that exists in the culture. Not being able to handle that does not mean that the potential parent is racist but racism overall is the reason why it is still an issue. And it is proof of how much we are still dealing with racism in this country. It is very very upsetting.

Edited August 28, 2011 by kijipt

[AngelBee]

I should have said "easily-er" - if it was a word :tongue_smilie: ..I meant that local adoptions do not seem to be (from what I've seen - keep in mind I am NOT in the United States.. things may be quite different in Canada) as drawn out and complicated as international ones.

 

I'm honestly not trying to offend.. if a person doesn't ask questions, then they can't learn. I'm curious, I want to know.. so I'm asking. (and getting a lot of answers) …trying to ask without getting anyone all wrinkled at me. ;)

 

:grouphug: Glad you did ask.

[AngelBee]

No problem. It's late. I'm tired. I'm tired of waiting. DH and I have a name all picked out and have for going on two years now. I probably should go to bed because I'm feeling too sensitive and all the horror stories of domestic adoptions is stressing me out.

 

:grouphug: