Why do people adopt internationally?

[AngelBee]

I have adopted twice domestically and wonder the same thing all the time. It seems that people believe that they cannot get an infant or have a closed adoption if they adopt, or that it will take a long time.

 

My adoptions are closed, and I got my babies right out of the hospital. Both of my girls were two days old. One adoption took 10 days and one took 3 months - not very long at all. We did go through an adoption attorney and not an agency, so that may be a big difference.

 

I think if you specify a white newborn, you might have to wait a long time - but we certainly didn't care. One of our girls is bi-racial and one is black. If you really don't have a problem with a different race, it doesn't take a long time and is not difficult to adopt domestically.

 

How did you do it so fast? Did you know the mothers?

[AngelBee]

Mommaduck,

 

There is a very good reason for not wanting an open adoption. It's not malicious. In a good portion of the states, birthparents have many months, not days, not weeks, months and even up to three years to change their minds. That's right! You love them, you bond with them, you parent them, they are YOUR child, and bio mom or dad can up and one day decide to sue to get them back. Everything they "know" about your family after the child is placed with you can be used against you. We have five friends that have completed open adoptions. They will never do another one...NOPE! Each one has been a nightmare. Each one has ended up with their child being returned to the biological parent/s after being with them for a year or more. It is gut wrenching!!!!

 

Yet, in every closed adoption case, not one of our friends has lost their child.

 

It's real easy for everyone who has never gone through it to point fingers and assume ill of the adoptive parents. To be honest with you, I consider it an absolute miracle that any family anywhere is still willing to work in the system. It is astounding to me that there are still such things as adoptions in America because the system is that bad.

 

You could ask us how we know. You could ask about what happened to the 6 year old girl who was supposed to become out little girl a year ago this past Christmas. You could ask. I never posted much of anything about it and I probably never will. So, maybe no one should ask about it. It hurts too much! We are now out of the system...out of domestic adoption, out of international adoption, out of foster-to-adopt. Done. We.will.never.put.our.family.through.that.again.

 

I'm sorry if this comes across rude. We've been badly hurt through the concept of "open adoption" and I can't recommend it to anyone.

 

Faith

:grouphug: To you, your family, and your daughter.

[*Lulu*]

I just wanted to come back an explain my experience with adoption. I have known several families that have adopted, three domestically. Of those three domestic adoptions all were because of abuse, neglect and/or drug addictions. I have never personally seen a situation domestically where the birth parents gave up custody out of the goodness of their hearts, although I know these situations must exist. I have only ever heard the term egg donor used by a family that has adopted domestically and had never considered it derogatory. I can see how it would feel that way when used in a broad sense, however, and am sorry if it caused pain to any when reading my post.

[pamela&claire]

Children with Down Syndrome, like my daughter, in many countries will never make it past birth. There's little to no medical help. They are starved to death, literally. At age 5 many countries in Eastern Europe send the kiddos with special needs to their asylums, they are tied to beds, they never see the light of day, they are hosed done for an occasional cleaning...it's inhumane.

 

I've seen this first hand and it was absolutely awful.

[melissel]

In what sense?

 

In the sense that your story breaks my heart, and that I'm so glad your baby made his way back to you, and with another sweet little angel to boot. I'm sorry for all you went through, but I'm glad those babies had you to come home to :grouphug:

 

When we were selected we met the birthparents two weeks before our dd was born and then when she was 10 days old, the day we picked her up. In BC at that time the birthmother could sign the relinquishing papers at day 10 and then the adoption was final. No changing minds.

 

Rose, is it that they CAN sign the papers at 10 days and then no changing minds, or that they must sign the papers and they are prohibited from changing their minds? I'm just wondering how the system is different. Here, there is so much leeway for the birth parents even after the baby is placed and everyone has bonded.

 

A good friend of mine is Asian, and her husband White. They live in California.

 

The county they live in would only place with them a child that matched their ethnic make-up. That was the official policy. They would need an Asian or half-Asian child to come up, and in the area they live in that's just not very common. Asians there tend to lean heavily on family rather than placing a child in the system.

 

After years of waiting, not to mention heartache and frustration, they considered international adoption. In the end they opted out of that route, too, just too broken from years of dealing with the domestic process.

 

They were open to any race, any age up to six and would consider a sibling set. In the years they waited, that description had to have met a great number of available children (given the socio-demographics of the area). They were offered none.

 

This is practically criminal. I am so sorry for your friends :(

[Marylou]

Wow. I can't reply beyond a few words at the moment, as I have a baby on my lap and am pecking keys with one hand, but I didn't expect so many responses (and wow - there are a lot more adoptions here than I'd have guessed)…this is wonderful. Thank you all for sharing your experiences and thoughts - even the peeps who got ticked at me for asking. ;)

 

I'm gonna reiterate - I mean no offence, no judgement. It's something I've often wondered, so I'm seeking answers - same as I encourage my kids to do when they want to know something.

 

aaaand on that note - the adorable munchkin on my lap just gave me a present. Shame we don't have a nose-holding smiley! :ack2:

 

From Post #1 Why do people do that when they could easily adopt right here?

 

I'm glad you enjoy learning. I'm not "ticked", but I have to say the "easily adopt" comment probably ruffled the feathers of those who have BTDT and not had an "easy" time at it.

 

So I learned something from this thread, too.

[Ewe Mama]

Oh, my word, Sheep Lady! :crying: My heart is breaking for you. What a terrible amount of agony to endure and I'm sure I don't know the half of it.

 

 

I keep thinking I should write a book about it all, but my heart would break...again and again.

 

With God's wisdom and mercy, it all worked out, but I have to tell you that the day we officially "resigned" as foster parents, was a day dh and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. We knew that part of our lives was over and we weren't going to be put through the emotional wringer any longer.

[jenncslp]

I would LOVE to chat with you sometimes about special needs adoption. I have "felt" the presence of a down syndrome child in my life and I am not sure what it means. I actually was speaking to dh about it and wondering if it was a call to adoption.

 

Feel free to pm me anytime, I would love to chat. It's my passion to help as many kiddos as possible find homes, especially those with Down Syndrome. I'd have a house full if I could!:001_smile:

[littleWMN]

I don't think any adoption is "easy".

 

We've adopted twice. As adoption experiences go, ours was relatively easy but not without some heartache.

 

Our first adoption was domestic and through a private agency - the same agency Dobela used that is now out of business. We picked up our daughter at 11 days old. In our state, a birthmother has 10 days to change her mind. So we picked up our daughter on the 11th day when she was officially ours. We had been through two disrupted adoptions already, where we were "matched" with a birthmother for three months. In both cases, she changed her mind at birth. Having already been through 4 miscarriages, this was heartbreaking. This daughter is black - the rest of our family is white. Overall, our "wait" for her was only about 7 months. The agency was not fun to deal with through our disruptions and we did lose some money by taking care of financial needs for both previous pregnant mothers.

 

Our second adoption was through the state. We only waited 3 months before she was placed with us (she was 4 months old). We probably would not have been able to adopt her so quickly except for the fact that her birthmom decided not to go through the plan for reunification and instead signed over her rights. She was officially ours at 10 months old. That adoption was pretty easy as far as state adoptions go. She does have special needs, but was not a special needs adoption (she only recently received her diagnosis). We did foster for a time period as well. It's not easy and the social workers are overworked, underpaid, etc.

 

I have respect for both of our childrens birthmothers. However, one made a plan for her child and another was taken because of abuse. My own husband is a birth parent. I'd never refer to a birth parent as a donor. However, some have had children taken away for atrocious reasons and the adoptive parents deal with the fall out. As for open adoptions - we tried for an open adoption for our first adoption as we felt like it was in our daughter's best interest. Her birthmother chose a closed adoption.

 

Adoption almost always carries a huge emotion toll - for everyone involved. I would not qualify it as easy. :)

Edited August 28, 2011 by littleWMN

[Cindy in C-ville]

I adopted internationally because God directed me that way. While we have a system that is overflowing here, we also have a very broken system. There are also SO MANY opportunities here...compared to these other countries these children do not know poverty.

 

Children with Down Syndrome, like my daughter, in many countries will never make it past birth. There's little to no medical help. They are starved to death, literally. At age 5 many countries in Eastern Europe send the kiddos with special needs to their asylums, they are tied to beds, they never see the light of day, they are hosed done for an occasional cleaning...it's inhumane.

 

Here's some links of what it is like in these institutions:

 

 

 

http://www.nogreaterjoymom.com/2010/06/i-left-my-heart-there.html

 

I'm not trying to be snarky, but I'm always amazed by the people who will criticize those who adopt internationally, when they are not filling up their homes with kiddos here. I say if God calls you to adopt from the US, then by all means do it, but if not, don't criticize those who are trying to make a difference.

 

I'm reading through all the posts and will respond, but wanted to give a big, "I AGREE!" with this post.

[littleWMN]

I'd like to add that I know many, many people who have adopted. We have 4 family members who have built their families through adoption - 3 of them transracially. It's a very, very personal decision about how and where to adopt your children from. We all have our personal stories and the answer is simply because that's where God had our children. In our own case, God led us through a series of events, to both of our daughters. We have two bio as well and are unable to have more. I'd like to adopt another but my husband simply does not want to go through that again.

[Cindy in C-ville]

:grouphug:

 

So my new response when people accuse me is LET'S PLAY A GAME CALLED "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS". YOU GO FIRST.

 

Love this, Heather!

[mommaduck]

:grouphug: thank you for saying this. I have one Korean ds and one Indian dd and I have felt this and still deal with this same stuff all the time.

 

We were accosted last week by a family here who accused us of "buying a baby" and being human traffickers.

 

So my new response when people accuse me is LET'S PLAY A GAME CALLED "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS". YOU GO FIRST.

 

Love it!

[Cindy in C-ville]

Many of my friends have adopted domestically. Generally it has been a nightmare. So many birth mothers changing their minds, so many birth parents taking many thousands of dollars for support during the pregnancy only to disappear near the end, so much time waiting and waiting and waiting. When it finally works out, it's wonderful, but the experiences I've seen my friends go through when it hasn't worked out would rip your heart out.

 

International costs more, but, from what I've seen, involves a bit less of an emotional roller coaster.

 

Our international adoption was quite an emotional roller coaster. Would we do it again? In a heartbeat.

[FrogMom5]

We tried for years to adopt domestically. We wanted a pre-schooler. We didn't care about race or disability. In a last effort, we signed up for a foster-to-adopt program through a neighboring county. The training was excellent. But, the social workers, who were African American, told us not to adopt an African American baby because we are not of that race. Then, we found out that there really aren't any preschoolers available in the U.S.

 

We went overseas and it took 1 yr. from the time we called the IA agency to the day we brought our son home. We wanted to maintain contact w/ his birth mother but she is unwilling. We sent her several letters with pictures but she has said she doesn't want any further contact.

 

My son does have pictures of her, along with the names and ages of his siblings. He also has his birth certificate. When he is older, we will help him find his birth family, if that is his wish.

 

Fwiw, ds hated her at first. After all, she gave him away (that was his thinking). We gently explained that she sacrificed a lot to give him a better life and that it hurts her every day to be apart from him. Now that he's older, he does understand this better. He says he feels bad for her and he prays for her every night. I do think he will try to find her one day. I hope he does so they can reunite.

 

We are very open about his adoption. We left it up to him when and if he told his little sister about it. A few months ago, he chose to explain it all to her. She doesn't completely understand it. What she is sure of is that he is her brother and she loves him dearly.

 

We would like to adopt again in the near future but we are over most of the maximum age requirements now. Sadly, it's probably no longer an option for us.

 

I hope that answers some of your questions. Adoption is a much more complicated and difficult process than outsiders believe. It's worth it though!

Denise

[Cindy in C-ville]

I would LOVE to chat with you sometimes about special needs adoption. I have "felt" the presence of a down syndrome child in my life and I am not sure what it means. I actually was speaking to dh about it and wondering if it was a call to adoption.

 

PLEASE go to Reece's Rainbow: http://reecesrainbow.org/

 

This is a fantastic organization that has helped many children move out of institutional life and into families.

[Cindy in C-ville]

I've seen this first hand and it was absolutely awful.

 

Me too.

[Cindy in C-ville]

Okay, now that I have faithfully read all the posts ;), I'll answer. We adopted our youngest daughter, Katya, from Ukraine nearly two years ago. While I believe there are MANY valid reasons for adopting internationally, ours was simply that God brought Katya to us. After a ministry trip to Ukraine, an email arrived in my inbox telling us about Katya and asking for someone to step forward to host her for three weeks that summer. Although it wasn't required, the hope was that this family would be open to adopting. We were open. We hosted Katya and that November began the process of adoption. November 2009, we welcomed Katya home. And many on this board stood with us in the process. :)

 

If you want to read about our journey, you can on my blog. Actually, one of my earlier posts deals with this very question. We were having a yard sale to raise money for the hosting program and a lady asked my children, "Why would you host a child from another country when there are so many needy children right here?" While I was initially offended, her question was the catalyst for a great family discussion.

[NotSoObvious]

Our girls are adopted through foster care.

 

A few thoughts....

 

It always amazes me when people think babies or young children won't have RAD, attachment issues, or psychological issues. Attachment begins in the womb. I wish there was more training for parents who opt for other routes to adoption.

 

I also hope that if you are thinking of adopting, you spend some time reading up on attachment and identity issues so that you understand just how important a child's birth family is and will always be, whether they know them now or not. It's not something you can escape in adoption. One of the reasons open adoptions are so common now is because of how much more we know about the needs of adoptees. (FYI- "Open adoption" simply refers to each party knowing who the other party is. This is why almost every adoption through the system is open. Relationships beyond that are above and beyond and are not always in the child's best interest.)

 

Adoption isn't easy, any way you do it. Our friends who have adopted internationally have waited FAR LONGER than we did to adopt our girls through foster care. Everyone's story is different. People have to do what works for their families.

 

When we fostered, then adopted our girls, we weren't interested in the least in "selling ourselves" (if this is offensive to you, take another look at some of the brochures you get in the mail from agencies- they were incredibly offensive to us) to a birthmom and we were more interested in helping fix our country's problems first.

 

HOWEVER, now that we have two children and are thinking about adding more, we are FAR LESS likely to do foster care because of the impact it would have on our girls.

 

Each path to adoption is different and because of that, sometimes certain paths fit certain families at different times in their lives. While I still see no reason we would ever adopt internationally, I've learned never to say never. :)

[Jennifer3141]

When DH was a small boy, his cousin was removed from his home due to a technicality with the domestic adoption process. Three months later, they found his body in a sewer drain. His egg donor decapitated him.

 

Domestic adoption was never an option for DH after that. When we thought I was infertile, I knew DA wasn't even on the table.

[LibraryLover]

Adoption is emotional and complicated. There are no easy answers.

Edited August 31, 2011 by LibraryLover

[jujsky]

I think since the thread is about adoption, she was most likely talking about adoptive parents. It's a very common derogatory term for people like me.

 

FWIW, I'm thankful to my son's birthparents every, single day. We only ever talk about them with respect. I hope your child's adoptive parents do the same and realize the gift you've given them. :grouphug:

[LidiyaDawn]

 

I understand that you are treading gently here, but I will caution you against asking families in real life about this. It's honestly none of your business, and it's rude to call into question the way a family chose to build itself.

 

 

If people don't question things, then how do they learn? I'm behind in the pages here (wow did it ever grow) but already I've learned a great deal. :001_smile:

 

A few people have commented on my "misconceptions" about domestic adoptions (at least with regards to how it goes now, in the USA - I think there are some BIG differences between Canada and the USA, based on some of these stories) -- had I not asked my original questions, I'd still be walking around with those misconceptions….surely it's better to learn the truth?

 

I wasn't "calling into question" the way that people build their families… that sorta sounds like I was judging them, asking them to defend it… I'm not. (I wouldn't!) I'm just asking a question to learn. Y'know?

[Nestof3]

I just want to give :grouphug: to all of those whose hopes were shattered. It has been so eye-opening and sad to read about people paying for all of that, being there through the process and then having it all amount to nothing for them.

[sarahj]

I have spent most of the day (in between cooking, laundry, and cleaning) reading all of the posts in this thread. I know I am fairly new to posting around here, but I thought I would share my story with the OP if it will help her understand.

When it became apparent to me that I was not able to carry a child to term, I was happy to entertain the thought of adopting. In my mind, this was God telling me that we would grow our family through adoption. Because my husband is adopted, I thought he would be happy with the idea, but I was wrong. He wanted to “keep trying.” This was devastating to me, because I knew emotionally and physically it would be so hard for me. I think now that because he had no contact with his biological family at the time (he has since been reunited with his biological mother and her family), he really wanted to have the possibility of a “blood relative.”

After one more miscarriage, he finally changed his mind. At that point, I went crazy with researching our options. I joined and read many different adoption forums and listservs. It became very apparent that the choice of domestic vs. international and also the choice of which country is a very personal one. There are wonderful success stories and also heartbreaking stories everywhere. My personal goal at the time was to choose the adoption process that I felt would be most likely to end with a healthy, young child placed in our family forever. The decision for us was to go to China for our child. And even though there were bumps along the way (the wait that we thought would be less than a year turned into almost three years for us and is now at more than five years for a healthy younger child), I knew it would work out. In 2008 we adopted our DD at 12 months old. In China we fell in love with our daughter, with the Chinese culture, and with China itself. We couldn’t wait to go back.

Fast forward to last year. We knew from the moment we brought DD home that she should have a sibling (most likely a sister) and that she would be from China, too. After visiting an orphanage in 2008, I knew there were so many children with differing needs who needed homes. We have decided on a special needs adoption this time around (we would have decided on this even if the wait for a healthy child wasn’t 5+ years). Our younger DD is currently 21 months old and waiting for us in China. We plan to bring her home in October or November and we are so ready!

 

In retrospect I look back and sometimes wonder why we did not go with special needs the first time around. But my answer is that we would not have our daughter. A previous post explained it perfectly: China is where my children are. The decision has to be unique to every family. It should be an educated decision, but you should also feel it in your heart. It is an amazing thing to see a child’s picture and/or read his/her file and “know” that this is your child.

Edited August 28, 2011 by sarahj
formatting

[SKL]

I wasn't "calling into question" the way that people build their families… that sorta sounds like I was judging them, asking them to defend it… I'm not. (I wouldn't!) I'm just asking a question to learn. Y'know?

 

I absolutely believe that you mean no disrespect. That said, we in the international adoption community have been questioned in both good and bad ways many times. Usually the "bad" times are when people include a comment to the effect that if we were better people, we'd adopt domestically.

 

There is a lot of negative rhetoric out there about international adoptions. It gets under our skin.

 

If you don't ask, how will you learn? You have a point, but would you ask a couple why they pursued IVF when they could easily just have sex more often? How people choose to build their families is a private matter. If they choose to tell you about it, that's great, but maybe they don't want to. Maybe the reason most people think domestic adoption is "easy" is because folks don't want to talk about their losses, just like we wouldn't expect them to re-live their miscarriages / stillbirths for the sake of good conversation or educating the general public.

 

All that said, I think your inquiry would have gone over better if you'd simply asked "what motivated you to adopt internationally" without suggesting there might be a better/easier alternative.

[AngelBee]

I just want to say that reading this thread is keeping me on the edge of tears. And needing to go hug the heck out of my daughters.

 

:grouphug:

[AngelBee]

We were drawn to Ethiopia after reading the book there is no me without you. One issue that was suprising for us is that our girls are not really orphans. Their Mom died in child birth, but we have exchanged a few very brief letters with their father, who could not raise them and brought them to the orphanage.

 

:( So sad and so filled with love.

 

:grouphug:

[abreakfromlife]

All that said, I think your inquiry would have gone over better if you'd simply asked "what motivated you to adopt internationally" without suggesting there might be a better/easier alternative.

But she probably wouldn't have known there wasn't an easier alternative without asking. I didn't. How is someone supposed to know they have a false idea in their question, if their question is one out of ignorance? I had no idea either, partly because stuff like this isn't talked about or explained very often.....which is understandable because of all the pain involved. :grouphug: But you can't fault someone for not knowing that they don't know something.

[LibraryLover]

FWIW, I'm thankful to my son's birthparents every, single day. We only ever talk about them with respect. I hope your child's adoptive parents do the same and realize the gift you've given them. :grouphug:

 

 

Yes.

Edited August 31, 2011 by LibraryLover

[AngelBee]

As the birthmother of a child I gave up for adoption.......I hate hate hate when people refer to people like my husband and I as an egg or sperm donor.

 

Birthparents are not simply donors, they are the people who create adoptive families. Without them there would be no adoptive families. If you adopted a child you should go down on your knees and thank God that those people had unprotected sex that led to the creation of your family. And then made the difficult decision to carry that pregnancy to term.

 

You cannot expect that a birthparent will ever forget that child you have. And adoptive parents should never forget the amazing gift that was given to them.

 

I want to publically thank you and let you know how proud I am of you. Being a birthparent is one of the most unappreciated types of parenting.

 

And that is a shame it is seen that way.

 

Instead of being treated with grace, it is often riddled with insinuation, shame, and secrecy.

 

I am always amazed at how some of the most prolife people I know, are most guilty of disrespecting birth mothers (fathers too).

 

What you did was a BEAUTIFUL thing! Being a mother is filled with sacrifice, but being a birth mother....well that is the ULTIMATE sacrifice! :grouphug:

[SKL]

But she probably wouldn't have known there wasn't an easier alternative without asking. I didn't. How is someone supposed to know they have a false idea in their question, if their question is one out of ignorance? I had no idea either, partly because stuff like this isn't talked about or explained very often.....which is understandable because of all the pain involved. :grouphug: But you can't fault someone for not knowing that they don't know something.

 

Good point. This was actually a good discussion (I think), if painful for some. But I actually went back and read the OP's question, and it doesn't just say "isn't domestic easier" but contains a bit of a pro-domestic guilt trip, in my opinion. Or, at least you can understand, in retrospect, why some of us read it that way.

[FaithManor]

When DH was a small boy, his cousin was removed from his home due to a technicality with the domestic adoption process. Three months later, they found his body in a sewer drain. His egg donor decapitated him.

 

Domestic adoption was never an option for DH after that. When we thought I was infertile, I knew DA wasn't even on the table.

 

This.....the only way to deal with it is to bury it in the bottom of your soul and refuse to let it out.

 

Never.again.Never. And this is why many people will not adopt domestically.

 

Faith

[Haiku]

If people don't question things, then how do they learn?

 

Asking here is a good way, because the people who don't want to answer don't have to. I was referring to asking your friend at the park (hypothetical, of course) why she didn't adopt an American/Canadian baby.

 

Tara

[AngelBee]

I agree with you. My brother is African American with Caucasian parents (we have the same biological mother and our mom married and our dad (my bio dad, his adoptive) adopted him and they had two more kids) and it takes a lot to raise a child to deal with the racism that exists in the culture. Not being able to handle that does not mean that the potential parent is racist but racism overall is the reason why it is still an issue. And it is proof of how much we are still dealing with racism in this country. It is very very upsetting.

 

:grouphug:

 

This is a big fear of mine with adoption. I hope that I can do justice to my future children and the issues of racism that will be a real part of all of our lives.

[msjones]

Our girls are adopted through foster care.

 

A few thoughts....

 

It always amazes me when people think babies or young children won't have RAD, attachment issues, or psychological issues. Attachment begins in the womb. I wish there was more training for parents who opt for other routes to adoption.

 

I also hope that if you are thinking of adopting, you spend some time reading up on attachment and identity issues so that you understand just how important a child's birth family is and will always be, whether they know them now or not. It's not something you can escape in adoption. One of the reasons open adoptions are so common now is because of how much more we know about the needs of adoptees. (FYI- "Open adoption" simply refers to each party knowing who the other party is. This is why almost every adoption through the system is open. Relationships beyond that are above and beyond and are not always in the child's best interest.)

 

Adoption isn't easy, any way you do it. Our friends who have adopted internationally have waited FAR LONGER than we did to adopt our girls through foster care. Everyone's story is different. People have to do what works for their families.

 

When we fostered, then adopted our girls, we weren't interested in the least in "selling ourselves" (if this is offensive to you, take another look at some of the brochures you get in the mail from agencies- they were incredibly offensive to us) to a birthmom and we were more interested in helping fix our country's problems first.

 

HOWEVER, now that we have two children and are thinking about adding more, we are FAR LESS likely to do foster care because of the impact it would have on our girls.

 

Each path to adoption is different and because of that, sometimes certain paths fit certain families at different times in their lives. While I still see no reason we would ever adopt internationally, I've learned never to say never. :)

 

I have to step in here and disagree. My husband and I were both adopted. I was an infant (just a few days old when my mom took me home), he was adopted out of foster care at 6 months.

 

Neither of us has any significant interest in our birth families. We are curious, of course. But it's not a painful curiosity. (It's more of wondering why the heck our kids are so tall, or where the freckles on our younger son came from -- that kind of thing.)

 

Neither of us has/had RAD-type issues (thank goodness). Neither of us feels pain or loss related to our adoptions. I have had people try to convince me that I actually feel otherwise -- most of that comes from friends who have adopted kids. But, really, truly, I feel no need to contact my biological mother. We love the moms and dads who we have now.

 

I am not denying that plenty of other adoptees feel differently; I'm just pointing out that some of us feel fine and give our adoptions very little thought.

[Marylou]

I think calling people egg/sperm donors in the derogatory way is wrong.

[AngelBee]

I have to step in here and disagree. My husband and I were both adopted. I was an infant (just a few days old when my mom took me home), he was adopted out of foster care at 6 months.

 

Neither of us has any significant interest in our birth families. We are curious, of course. But it's not a painful curiosity. (It's more of wondering why the heck our kids are so tall, or where the freckles on our younger son came from -- that kind of thing.)

 

Neither of us has/had RAD-type issues (thank goodness). Neither of us feels pain or loss related to our adoptions. I have had people try to convince me that I actually feel otherwise -- most of that comes from friends who have adopted kids. But, really, truly, I feel no need to contact my biological mother. We love the moms and dads who we have now.

 

I am not denying that plenty of other adoptees feel differently; I'm just pointing out that some of us feel fine and give our adoptions very little thought.

I think it will greatly differ from child to child.

 

It is important to be prepared for either.

[AngelBee]

I think calling people egg/sperm donors in the derogatory way is wrong.

 

In the post regarding the death of the child, I can understand the pain and why the term was used. :(

 

I am sure it was not intended to encompass all birth parents.

[Marylou]

In the post regarding the death of the child, I can understand the pain and why the term was used. :(

 

I am sure it was not intended to encompass all birth parents.

 

There is much pain in life. There is no need to add to it by being crass.

 

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!" Isaiah 49:15

[AngelBee]

There is much pain in life. There is no need to add to it by being crass.

 

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!" Isaiah 49:15

 

I understand, but she killed her own child.

[Reeciecup]

In the post regarding the death of the child, I can understand the pain and why the term was used. :(

 

I am sure it was not intended to encompass all birth parents.

 

But it's only used for birth parents. No one calls Andrea Yates or Susan Smith an egg donor.

 

Using a derogatory term for some undesirable birth parents is like saying it's okay to call certain black people the N-word, maybe gang members or criminals. It's not okay, because it is offensive to all black people.

 

I just want people to know, that birth parents find that term horribly offensive even when you are speaking about certain birth parents.

 

I am not an egg donor for my oldest child any more than I am for the three that I raised. I chose adoption so my child would have the life I thought I couldn't give her. In doing so I created a family where there was not one. I carried that child for nine months, kept my pregnancy healthy, allowed the adoptive mother to hold her even before I did. I cared for that child for 3 days in the hospital and then I took her to her new home with her new family, and I left her there. Forever.

 

I did it because I loved her. That doesn't make me an egg donor. That makes me a mother with a gaping wound in my heart. It has been over 20 years since I gave my child away in an open adoption, and a day never goes by that I don't think of her. Birth parents can never forget.

[SKL]

I understand, but she killed her own child.

 

I think in that context, "egg donor" was charitable and I would have chosen "murderer" or worse.

 

That said, I would never think of calling my kids' birth moms "egg donors." On the other hand, I don't think it's necessary to canonize birth mothers, either. They are just people who found themselves in a difficult situation and made what I consider a positive choice to resolve it. I have no doubt that they still think of their daughters and hope they are doing well "somewhere out there."

[AngelBee]

But it's only used for birth parents. No one calls Andrea Yates or Susan Smith an egg donor.

 

Using a derogatory term for some undesirable birth parents is like saying it's okay to call certain black people the N-word, maybe gang members or criminals. It's not okay, because it is offensive to all black people.

 

I just want people to know, that birth parents find that term horribly offensive even when you are speaking about certain birth parents.

 

I am not an egg donor for my oldest child any more than I am for the three that I raised. I chose adoption so my child would have the life I thought I couldn't give her. In doing so I created a family where there was not one. I carried that child for nine months, kept my pregnancy healthy, allowed the adoptive mother to hold her even before I did. I cared for that child for 3 days in the hospital and then I took her to her new home with her new family, and I left her there. Forever.

 

I did it because I loved her. That doesn't make me an egg donor. That makes me a mother with a gaping wound in my heart. It has been over 20 years since I gave my child away in an open adoption, and a day never goes by that I don't think of her. Birth parents can never forget.

 

:grouphug: I totally understand what you are saying ans would personally not use such a term. (Actually wrote to you early in thread)

 

Just saying I can understand how in previous example poster would feel it appropriate in her pain.

 

I agree...murderer is much more appropriate. :(

[AngelBee]

 

I am not an egg donor for my oldest child any more than I am for the three that I raised. I chose adoption so my child would have the life I thought I couldn't give her. In doing so I created a family where there was not one. I carried that child for nine months, kept my pregnancy healthy, allowed the adoptive mother to hold her even before I did. I cared for that child for 3 days in the hospital and then I took her to her new home with her new family, and I left her there. Forever.

 

I did it because I loved her. That doesn't make me an egg donor. That makes me a mother with a gaping wound in my heart. It has been over 20 years since I gave my child away in an open adoption, and a day never goes by that I don't think of her. Birth parents can never forget.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Please find my previous post to you. You are truly an inspiration to me. Not a day goes by when I do not think about the birth mothers in our world and rejoice in their choice to give life.

 

I am not a birth mother (never gave a child up for adoption) but I have been pregnant and unmarried. I was called a whore and cheater by people as the father and I got pregnant without intercourse.

 

What angered me the most?

 

I could have hid the whole thing and no one would have known. But I chose life and was ridiculed.

 

No regrets though. :)

 

I have a dear friend who placed a dd as a young college student. She is someone that I think very highly of. She made a sacrifice I do not think I could make myself.

[LibraryLover]

When I spoke of the pain and sacrifice, I was thinking of birthmothers most specifically.

 

I have to step in here and disagree. My husband and I were both adopted. I was an infant (just a few days old when my mom took me home), he was adopted out of foster care at 6 months.

 

Neither of us has any significant interest in our birth families. We are curious, of course. But it's not a painful curiosity. (It's more of wondering why the heck our kids are so tall, or where the freckles on our younger son came from -- that kind of thing.)

 

Neither of us has/had RAD-type issues (thank goodness). Neither of us feels pain or loss related to our adoptions. I have had people try to convince me that I actually feel otherwise -- most of that comes from friends who have adopted kids. But, really, truly, I feel no need to contact my biological mother. We love the moms and dads who we have now.

 

I am not denying that plenty of other adoptees feel differently; I'm just pointing out that some of us feel fine and give our adoptions very little thought.

Edited August 31, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Marylou]

But it's only used for birth parents. No one calls Andrea Yates or Susan Smith an egg donor.

 

Using a derogatory term for some undesirable birth parents is like saying it's okay to call certain black people the N-word, maybe gang members or criminals. It's not okay, because it is offensive to all black people.

 

I just want people to know, that birth parents find that term horribly offensive even when you are speaking about certain birth parents.

 

I am not an egg donor for my oldest child any more than I am for the three that I raised. I chose adoption so my child would have the life I thought I couldn't give her. In doing so I created a family where there was not one. I carried that child for nine months, kept my pregnancy healthy, allowed the adoptive mother to hold her even before I did. I cared for that child for 3 days in the hospital and then I took her to her new home with her new family, and I left her there. Forever.

 

I did it because I loved her. That doesn't make me an egg donor. That makes me a mother with a gaping wound in my heart. It has been over 20 years since I gave my child away in an open adoption, and a day never goes by that I don't think of her. Birth parents can never forget.

 

I find it extremely offensive and I'm not a birth mom.

 

In the Bible verse I quoted I don't think "forget" is in the same regard as we use it today (i.e. not remember). I think it means to abandon or not take care of correctly. Perhaps even murder.

 

I'm sorry you had to see that on this forum.

[Denisemomof4]

the reason why we chose to adopt internationally was because we didn't want to risk our kids falling in love with a child and then having it removed from our home. I didn't think I could handle that heartache either, but our kids were our main concern here.

 

Another reason was that I was 38, dh 40, when we started the process. We were told that it takes a LONG time in the US to adopt here, and chances were higher that adoptions would fall through. So we decided on international adoption.

 

We initially chose to adopt from Russia since dh is 100% Lithuanian and there are Lithuanian speaking orphans available for adoption. We thought what a wonderful opportunity to bring a child into our faimly and have someone who understands him/her while being understood. We chose not to go to Russia after realizing the incidence of alcoholism and mental illness were higher than I felt comfortable with. We were specifically told girls from China do very well. Well, now I have a dd with a mental illness and it's been the most difficult thing to handle ever and it's been incredibly stressful on our family. ALL of us.

[sewingmama]

Well in Australia there are basically no children available for adoption. If you do foster care the most you can hope to get is full guardianship till the child turns 18. There is always a chance of re-uinification at any time.

 

There are also very few babies available due to the excellent welfare system here. If you have a baby as a single mum you get $5000 lump sum, a house with low rent and government payments every fortnight. The adoption lists in most States are 10 years long and closed - they aren't taking anymore applications. Most people on those lists never get a baby because there is an age limit as well as fertility guidelines -you have to be infertile and have no children - so those who want to adopt domestically for other reasons cannot do it.

 

So basically if you want to adopt a child you have to go international. Still it is not common in Australia - it's incredibly expensive, the wait is very long (up to 7 years) and you can only adopt from countries in the Hauge agreement with Australia (to prevent child trafficking). A lot of those countries have very strict limits also on who can adopt - no same sex partners, no people ovr 40 , no more then 4 children in a household, specific religions are excluded etc etc.

 

There are always tons of children in foster care -they will usually only be freed for adoption if they are orphans with no family or the parents are extremely abusive and not likely to ever change (and even then you usually are only granted permanent guardianship rather then official adoption.

 

Australia is very aware of the damage that occured during the "stolen generation" so if you adopt from overseas there are lots of policies you have to agree to. Things such as not changing the child's original name unless it is offensive in Australia and you have to show you will maintain ties with the child's culture - have them take language lessons, interact with the community in Australia, basically have plans in place to ensure that the child never losses their other cultural identity.

[littleWMN]

Reecie, :grouphug: