Do you think this is a breach of etiquette or

[Natalieclare]

a perfectly normal question?

 

A friend of my dds is over tonight. She related her hatred of weddings because everyone asks her, "So, do you have someone special?" She said even relative strangers ask her that. And now that I think about it, it has happened to my daughters as well.

 

So what do you think? Is it rude to ask or not?

[melissel]

It just sounds like people making small talk to me, but I tend to be pretty open. Of course, if I didn't have anyone special and was feeling sensitive about it, it would probably drive me nuts too!

 

Maybe people have matchmaking in mind when they ask these kinds of questions?

[Natalieclare]

It just sounds like people making small talk to me, but I tend to be pretty open. Of course, if I didn't have anyone special and was feeling sensitive about it, it would probably drive me nuts too!

 

Maybe people have matchmaking in mind when they ask these kinds of questions?

 

I think you're right in that people are trying to make small talk, but I think it crosses into bad manners. To me, it's like someone asking how much your house costs or how many months pregnant you are (when you're not).

 

I think what my girls don't like the prying aspect of it; they are private people. Others may be on the sensitive side of things.

[Aggie]

Dh and I married rather late in life, so I had years of that question being asked. blech

 

Yes, it did cross a personal line for me. Small talk can include hobbies, work, travel, education, etc. Not personal relationships. ;)

 

When that type of question is asked at a wedding, it kind of implies that a person is not whole unless one is in a relationship. Double blech

 

jmo and ime, of course.:D

[Laurie]

I think it's kind of rude to ask a stranger.

But if casual acquaintances are asking, maybe they've got a friend/cousin/nephew, etc. that they think the young woman might like to meet and are trying to make sure "the coast is clear" before broaching the subject.

 

I would never have met my husband if a mutual acquaintance hadn't made the same kind of inquiry. :)

[eternalknot]

a perfectly normal question?

 

A friend of my dds is over tonight. She related her hatred of weddings because everyone asks her, "So, do you have someone special?" She said even relative strangers ask her that. And now that I think about it, it has happened to my daughters as well.

 

So what do you think? Is it rude to ask or not?

 

I've lived in places where the first questions out of anyone's mouth are: how much do you make? are you married? where did you go to school?

 

I used to wonder, whatever happened to asking about the weather or the local professional football team?! But that's how they are, it's how they sniff my butt so to speak to determine my place in their social hierarchy.

 

Here in the states, it's seemed of as more rude. Where I'm originally from, it'd be rude as a direct question (as opposed to asking it of one's parents!)

 

At a wedding, though? I don't think I'd consider it out of place. Totally great place to mingle - new blood, fresh meat, romance in the air, everyone looking gorgeous ... open bar if one's lucky ... lots of older relatives looking to play matchmaker for their kids ... seems to be appropriate a question there, if anywhere.

 

Ask me that in the hardware section of Walmart, and I'd look at you funny, but at a wedding the question seems within the realm of normal. Contextually, I guess.

[Impish]

But that's how they are, it's how they sniff my butt so to speak to determine my place in their social hierarchy.

 

 

:lol:

[laundrycrisis]

IMO it is extremely rude to ask about that aspect of someone's private life unless you have a close relationship with them.

[TheAutumnOak]

Ask me that in the hardware section of Walmart, and I'd look at you funny, but at a wedding the question seems within the realm of normal. Contextually, I guess.

 

:iagree:

[Princess Peach]

I think it's perfectly normal and along the same lines as "what do you do for work?", etc. It seems like just a conversation starter to me.

[Jean in Newcastle]

If a man asks, they're asking if that person is available.

 

If an older person or another woman asks, they're asking for information that helps to "peg them" socially.

 

Yes, it bothered me a lot when people asked me and yes, I was married later in life. But now, it doesn't bother me when people ask if I'm married. But that's because it's no longer a sore spot for me.

 

In the same vein, it bothered me a lot when people asked the follow-up question to marriage - "Do you have kids?" back when I was told that I couldn't have kids. Now that I have two, the question seems like an innocuous "getting to know you question".

 

I learned to give a standard, "Not right now" answer to the "someone special" question. To me, even though it caused me some pain to say that (because I desperately wanted there to be someone) it didn't cross the line for me. What did cross the line were the few people (usually relatives) who then asked "Why not?"

[Hwin]

No, I don't think it's a breach of etiquette. It's just one of those annoying things that people like to ask, and the only reason it's even annoying is that it's often.

 

Right now, I share my due date and baby's gender sixteen times a day.

[catz]

Dh and I married rather late in life, so I had years of that question being asked. blech

 

Yes, it did cross a personal line for me. Small talk can include hobbies, work, travel, education, etc. Not personal relationships. ;)

 

When that type of question is asked at a wedding, it kind of implies that a person is not whole unless one is in a relationship. Double blech

 

jmo and ime, of course.:D

 

:iagree: DH and I got married later too and I was perfectly happy as a single. I owned my own home, was working professionally, and considered myself very successful by my own standards! I think this is really obnoxious to ask.

[Laurie4b]

a perfectly normal question?

 

A friend of my dds is over tonight. She related her hatred of weddings because everyone asks her, "So, do you have someone special?" She said even relative strangers ask her that. And now that I think about it, it has happened to my daughters as well.

 

So what do you think? Is it rude to ask or not?

 

I think it is rude to ask directly about any potential sore spot: "Do you have a special someone? " "When are you planning to have kids? " Even "Do you have children?" If you wait long enough in the conversation, there will usually be indicators if they do have a special someone or if they do have kids. Without the indicators, I would assume not, but keep an open mind if I am trying to get to know the person better.

[abreakfromlife]

 

A friend of my dds is over tonight.

So this is a 16 or 18 yo girl, and people are asking her that? And asking your dd's that? I think it's a tad rude at that age. It's one thing if someone is 25 and it's fairly common to have a significant other by that age. But I wouldn't expect a 16 or 18 to have someone like that, and I wouldn't want them to think they have to have someone special at that age. I would be annoyed by it.

[Mrs Mungo]

It's a small talk, getting-to-know-you question. People should take these things less personally.

[Garga]

Small talk.

 

It might not be the absolute best question (in case the person bursts into tears because they were just dumped), but it's not the worst question either.

 

It might be somewhat irritating, but it's not out-and-out rude, either.

[Happy]

It's a small talk, getting-to-know-you question. People should take these things less personally.

 

:iagree:

 

I ask because I am interested in the person's life...even if it is a casual connection. I'm looking to get to know the person better. People mean no harm and actually probably mean good by asking the question.

 

I've been there with the kids question. We couldn't have bio offspring. I hated that and I didn't like the question...but I knew people didn't know my inner pain and only wanted to make conversation. No harm at all.

 

I heard a gal the other day say we should make it a habit to get up every morning and say I will not be offended today....I will assume the best from others until they show me differently. I'm trying to practice that more each day...and it's bringing me more peace in relationships. For the moment, anyway. :lol:

[Mary in VA]

Dh and I married rather late in life, so I had years of that question being asked. blech

 

Yes, it did cross a personal line for me. Small talk can include hobbies, work, travel, education, etc. Not personal relationships. ;)

 

When that type of question is asked at a wedding, it kind of implies that a person is not whole unless one is in a relationship. Double blech

 

jmo and ime, of course.:D

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I married a month shy of my 30th b-day so I agree wholeheartedly! I have a 21 yo dd, senior in college. We told her when she went to college we DID NOT expect her to finish four years with a diploma AND a ring. At many Christian colleges there is an expectation you finish your senior year engaged. We told her we have no idea who God had planned for her (if anybody) and where he may be. She should live her life and at the right time God will provide her spouse.

 

I HATE the questioning people do to young people. The issue can be a sensitive one. I was so grateful to my mother who NEVER once asked when I was going to get married, if there was anyone special, etc. Friends have asked us if there is anyone special in dd's life and we tell them what we told her. I know they ask because they love her but I hate the question. I am glad they ask us and not her!!

 

 

Mary

[CalicoKat]

And when she gets married it will be, "When are you due?"

 

Fnfortunate, but completely normal for that chapter of life.

[Scarlett]

It's a small talk, getting-to-know-you question. People should take these things less personally.

 

:iagree:

 

If I cut out every comment that someone on this board thinks is rude I'd never speak again.

 

If someone asks you if you are married that could be small talk or they may have someone in mind to introduce to you.

 

If someone asks if you have children they are making small talk....showing interest in your life. Since when is the fact of a child's existence 'private'? That sounds so odd to me.

Edited August 1, 2011 by Scarlett

[Classical Country Mama]

And when she gets married it will be, "When are you due?"

 

Fnfortunate, but completely normal for that chapter of life.

 

Oh yes. Very true.

 

Where I grew up, not only are you asked if you're married, but if you say no, the follow up question (accompanied by slight suspicion) is, "Why not?"

[stormy weather]

. 

 

[Scarlett]

:iagree:with all of this especially the bolded, except I'm still single :D

Do you have anyone special ranks up the with the people who naively ask "Why don't you just get married?" Like it's that simple, like there's some sort of marriage catalog and you can simply order yourself the right person to marry.

 

Well, I would never ask 'well, why don't you just get married.' That is just plain silly...not so much rude as silly.

 

However, if I asked 'are you seeing someone' I am NOT implying you aren't a whole person. It is just a question. Chit chat. Interest in your life.

[stormy weather]

.

 

[Crissy]

 

Yes, it bothered me a lot when people asked me and yes, I was married later in life. But now, it doesn't bother me when people ask if I'm married. But that's because it's no longer a sore spot for me.

 

 

 

I wonder if that is the reason people are bothered by the question. I can't imagine feeling any measure of offense if someone asked me if I'm married.

[Crissy]

 

When that type of question is asked at a wedding, it kind of implies that a person is not whole unless one is in a relationship. Double blech

 

jmo and ime, of course.:D

 

I would simply take that as a person, with whom I have a little something in common (the bride or the groom), wanting to get to know me better.

[stormy weather]

. 

 

[Scarlett]

Like Jean said it's just a sore spot, because I'm not married and I want to be.

 

And yes I agree that people(myself included) need to be less sensitve about these questions that people ask without meaning any offense but.... people need to be more sensitive and think about whether or not the question they are asking could be a sore spot. It goes both ways:001_smile:

 

I'm just trying to think this through.....how many issues could be 'sore spots'? Marriage? Children? Jobs? Where your kids go to school?

 

Every single topic except MAYBE the weather has the potential to be a sore spot for someone out there.

[Scarlett]

That and it's great if you do have someone and can talk about them. If you don't, well it's just akward sometimes.

 

What I think I'll start saying is "I have someone but, they're not special to me at all, in fact they're expendable." :D Or does that sound bitter:tongue_smilie:

 

 

 

:lol: That actually cracked me up.

 

How about you say, 'I'm not married, do you have someone in mind I could meet?'

[Scarlett]

That and it's great if you do have someone and can talk about them. If you don't, well it's just akward sometimes.

 

 

This is how I feel sometimes when people ask me where I work...when I say I don't work and haven't in over 11 years it is sometimes akward...but I am not really sensitive to it...or offended.

[UnsinkableKristen]

And yes I agree that people(myself included) need to be less sensitve about these questions that people ask without meaning any offense but.... people need to be more sensitive and think about whether or not the question they are asking could be a sore spot. It goes both ways:001_smile:

 

That is true to an extent, but like another poster said, if one avoided every single topic that could possibly offend some one or be their particular sore spot there would be nothing but silence. What if you mentioned the weather and that person was a farmer and had lost all their crops in this drought? What if you mentioned local sports and that person had a gambling addiction?

 

There is just no end to what could possibly be an issue in a strangers life. I think that people making small talk should endeavor to make it as lighthearted as possible and give grace where offense could be taken.

 

And you are right, if - for example - you know someone is 30 and single and you have no one in mind that you think they would like to meet, then instead of asking them if they are seeing anyone, maybe ask how other areas of their life are going and what new things they are involved in.

[stormy weather]

.

[stormy weather]

. 

 

[stormy weather]

Yeah, I think it's rude. I know many times it's just a chatty thing, but my dd has gotten so tired of it (she's 26) that she's finally resorted to stating, "Yeah, I did. He died." Hushes them right up.

Oh,:grouphug::grouphug: to your dd.

[Julie in CA]

There are so many situations in which people choose to take offense where none was intended. Imo, that is a bigger breach of manners than someone asking what is (at most) a tactless question.

[stormy weather]

.

[Jean in Newcastle]

What I find interesting about these etiquette threads is that the people who say something is rude/breach of etiquette are assumed to be "taking offence".

That is perhaps a topic for another thread:tongue_smilie::leaving:

 

I think it's a matter of intent. Most people are really just doing chit chat. I agree that it can be a wincing moment when it is a sore spot but I don't think the people are rude as such. Esp. if they don't know you. If someone does know you, then I do think they could wait for you to inform them of any new events in your life.

 

I wince a bit at the "where do your kids go to school" question now not because of the question itself but because of the baggage that goes along with it at times.

 

What I've found personally helpful is to have a chit-chat question of my own handy. So they ask the "anyone special" question. I would say "No, not right now. I'm having a great time learning to knit though. Do you have any hobbies?" Move them along!

[Parker Martin]

I've never asked anyone this question. However, I think the question is a perfectly normal one to ask an adult.

 

I know many people who have gotten together because others who barely knew them but knew they were single had them introduced. Knowing who is married, who is looking, and who is not married and not looking seems like basic information within a community.

 

I find it strange that anyone would ask that of a teenager though. In my opinion it's rude to the teenager's parents, who may or may not allow dating, because it creates the impression that teen dating is assumed.

[Natalieclare]

When that type of question is asked at a wedding, it kind of implies that a person is not whole unless one is in a relationship. Double blech

 

You have expressed, for me, the annoying vibe. I think maybe this question is more annoying from certain people. some are delightfully nosy and interested (with your best interests at heart). Others are simply nosy and calibrating.

Yes, it bothered me a lot when people asked me and yes, I was married later in life. But now, it doesn't bother me when people ask if I'm married. But that's because it's no longer a sore spot for me.

 

I learned to give a standard, "Not right now" answer to the "someone special" question. To me, even though it caused me some pain to say that (because I desperately wanted there to be someone) it didn't cross the line for me. What did cross the line were the few people (usually relatives) who then asked "Why not?"

 

It's not exactly a sore spot for my girls because neither of them feel ready for romance yet (or noone has made them feel ready for romance yet?!) but their friend is really hankering, so I think it is a bit of a sore spot for her.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I married a month shy of my 30th b-day so I agree wholeheartedly! I have a 21 yo dd, senior in college. We told her when she went to college we DID NOT expect her to finish four years with a diploma AND a ring. At many Christian colleges there is an expectation you finish your senior year engaged. We told her we have no idea who God had planned for her (if anybody) and where he may be. She should live her life and at the right time God will provide her spouse.

 

I HATE the questioning people do to young people. The issue can be a sensitive one. I was so grateful to my mother who NEVER once asked when I was going to get married, if there was anyone special, etc. Friends have asked us if there is anyone special in dd's life and we tell them what we told her. I know they ask because they love her but I hate the question. I am glad they ask us and not her!!

 

My dd just taught me the expression "Ring in the spring!" Sounds like we've given our girls the same lesson!

 

Like Jean said it's just a sore spot, because I'm not married and I want to be.

 

And yes I agree that people(myself included) need to be less sensitve about these questions that people ask without meaning any offense but.... people need to be more sensitive and think about whether or not the question they are asking could be a sore spot. It goes both ways:001_smile:

 

I'm definately(sp?) not offended, but when I was younger and all my friends were getting married those kind of questions felt invasive.

Yes! Especially for private people.

 

I think it's a matter of intent. Most people are really just doing chit chat. I agree that it can be a wincing moment when it is a sore spot but I don't think the people are rude as such. Esp. if they don't know you. If someone does know you, then I do think they could wait for you to inform them of any new events in your life.

 

What I've found personally helpful is to have a chit-chat question of my own handy. So they ask the "anyone special" question. I would say "No, not right now. I'm having a great time learning to knit though. Do you have any hobbies?" Move them along!

Good stuff there, Jean.

 

My oldest has found a few phrases she likes to use as answers; they suit her personality: "Hmmmm, I just love being mysterious!" and "Wouldn't you like to know!" She can pull this off with her big winning smile and laugh. And it's not a sore spot exactly. She's just private. But as I said, her friend feels it more keenly, so we spent this morning trying to find answers for her to say so she could say, "No" without feeling "less than." It's usually older women asking these questions. If it was a young man, that changes the complexion of the question entirely!

[Natalieclare]

No, I don't think it's a breach of etiquette. It's just one of those annoying things that people like to ask, and the only reason it's even annoying is that it's often.

 

Right now, I share my due date and baby's gender sixteen times a day.[/QUOTE]

 

Poor thing!!!!!! :tongue_smilie:

 

So this is a 16 or 18 yo girl, and people are asking her that? And asking your dd's that? I think it's a tad rude at that age. It's one thing if someone is 25 and it's fairly common to have a significant other by that age. But I wouldn't expect a 16 or 18 to have someone like that, and I wouldn't want them to think they have to have someone special at that age. I would be annoyed by it.

 

My dds' friend is 19, and yes, you got the ages of my girls. Maybe it feels a little condescending? I dunno.

 

It's a small talk, getting-to-know-you question. People should take these things less personally.

 

:iagree:

 

I ask because I am interested in the person's life...even if it is a casual connection. I'm looking to get to know the person better. People mean no harm and actually probably mean good by asking the question.

 

 

I heard a gal the other day say we should make it a habit to get up every morning and say I will not be offended today....I will assume the best from others until they show me differently. I'm trying to practice that more each day...and it's bringing me more peace in relationships. For the moment, anyway. :lol:

 

It's always good practice to abstain from taking things personally. To :chillpill::chillpill::chillpill:. But it is interesting to me to see how others view this question, pretty evenly divided as to whether or not it's a bit rude.

[Scarlett]

I find it strange that anyone would ask that of a teenager though. In my opinion it's rude to the teenager's parents, who may or may not allow dating, because it creates the impression that teen dating is assumed.

 

Right...and although I would not call it a rude question to ask of a teenager I would find it strange. Silly. in our world.

[kalanamak]

 

I think what my girls don't like the prying aspect of it; they are private people. Others may be on the sensitive side of things.

 

I would advise a light hearted answer, e.g. "I think everyone is special" in reply to "do you have anyone special"; or "my heart belongs to Daddy". I used the Daddy line for years.

[J-rap]

I don't think it's rude, but I think it's quite dumb and certainly shallow.