If your 12yob absolutely refused to obey...

[BMW]

Last week I asked about older boys bossing around my younger grandchildren...

 

I told them that if they continued, that they child would pick what they would do for 5 minutes. They stopped for the most part.

 

Until today.

 

12yob got bossy four times. The first two times, I reminded him. The third time I asked younger one what the 5 minutes would be and he chose push ups (I would not insist on 5 minutes solid push ups... ). My son refused to get off the couch and do them. During the next hour he got bossy again while sitting there...

 

He knows that he is not allowed to eat or get up or do any activities until he completes this. He is sitting there, smugly proud of himself for being defiant.

 

WWYD? (If this situation is no big deal to you, pretend that it IS important to you... if your child at this age refused something important to you... what would you do) (He has no video games to take away) (He also got in trouble for today for gossiping and getting someone in trouble who was innocent)

[WeeBeaks]

Well, in the immediate term, what is important to the child in question? I would go that route in terms of punishment. For example, my oldest values money greatly. I took to fining him cash for certain offenses (after being explained what would happen). It has to be something the child values though - TV time or whatever in your particular home.

 

In terms of my oldest though, I wasn't rewarding enough when he *was* doing good things and had to also focus on really emphasizing and rewarding the behavior I did want to see in the long run.

 

In your example then in the long term situation I would punish for today via what is important and also take on a major project in making a huge deal of every time he does work together nicely with the youngers without bossing them, with praise, rewards and privileges.

 

The positive rewards and negative punishment works for us for most things in our house.

[Rosie_0801]

Does a 12 year old boy prone to bossiness know how not to be?

 

Rosie

[BMW]

Yes, Rosie. Last week he did great. He got in trouble for lying to an older brother (which created his brother and sister in law to get in a big fight over what was just a lie to begin with) earlier today. So, he had an attitude to begin with....

 

This same boy gave me a hard time last week and when asked why said, in front of his dad, "You didn't give me what I wanted." So... if I don't give him what he wants, he will be a pill for me.... That's the way he's been recently.

 

I am about fed up.... but want to go about this intelligently... :)

[Trish]

I'm not crazy about the pushups, but you're right to get on him about the bossiness. I'd send him to his room for the rest of the afternoon (or evening, depending on what time this occurred.) Only out for bathroom breaks or the next meal. If he disobeys THAT, all electronics would disappear for the forseeable future.

[catz]

What ARE his favorite things or activities? Time with friends? TV? Card collection? That's what I'd take away very unemotionally. I don't think the current system is getting to him, so I'd try a different approach.

[lovelaughs_times_three]

I would just keep my cool and wait him out. He sits on the couch, doesn't get to eat, doesn't get to participate in any fun, until he has done the push-ups. I would happily go about my day and pretty much ignore him. I'd out-last his smugness! ;)

 

I think you are doing a great job!!! :001_smile:

[Colleen in NS]

Last week I asked about older boys bossing around my younger grandchildren...

 

I told them that if they continued, that they child would pick what they would do for 5 minutes. They stopped for the most part.

 

Until today.

 

12yob got bossy four times. The first two times, I reminded him. The third time I asked younger one what the 5 minutes would be and he chose push ups (I would not insist on 5 minutes solid push ups... ). My son refused to get off the couch and do them. During the next hour he got bossy again while sitting there...

 

He knows that he is not allowed to eat or get up or do any activities until he completes this. He is sitting there, smugly proud of himself for being defiant.

 

 

Am I understanding correctly that the bossed child got to pick the punishment for the 12 yo? If so, it sounds to me like the 12yo decided to test this and won, because 1. he doesn't want to be one-upped by a younger child, and 2. really, how are you going to make him do pushups.

 

If it were me (and I have BTDT), I would cancel the punishment by the younger child. I'd tell the 12 yo he doesn't have to do the pushups, and let him get up and eat (I don't consider basic food needs to be a privilege to be taken away). And I'd tell him that I'll be thinking carefully of another privilege to take away if he does it again, and then follow through on it (really let him know you are going to carefully consider what would really "bite" :D but that you understand the consequence will be difficult for him). Then think of something that really matters to him at the moment. And I'd also be having a private talk with him about his bossiness and how it affects others - don't those youngers look up to him? Doesn't he want to be looked up to, since he's reaching young adulthood? Talk up that part!

 

ETA: One more thought - I find that me somehow diffusing the situation helps. When I see the defiant look coming after I've told, ahem, someone to do something, I look away and ACT as though I fully expect my instruction to be carried out (which means that I OFTEN have to think before I issue an edict, lol). It helps that someone to keep their dignity intact and carry on. Most of the time, anyway. This age is just tricky, and things can change daily.

Edited July 19, 2011 by Colleen in NS

[Ottakee]

This same boy gave me a hard time last week and when asked why said, in front of his dad, "You didn't give me what I wanted." So... if I don't give him what he wants, he will be a pill for me.... That's the way he's been recently.

 

I am about fed up.... but want to go about this intelligently... :)

 

Well, for one, I think that this is a time for dad to step in BIG TIME. I would have tell him in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that NO ONE, esp. not a 12 year old will disrespect his wife.

 

If it possible, he goes to work with dad (I know this doesn't work with many jobs though). Otherwise, dad takes over most of his discipline and works with them and makes this boy WORK. Likely he needs some good, hard physical labor.

 

12 year old boys are often testing the waters and wanting to be "men" but aren't there yet. Make sure that dad is on top of this and shows that MEN never disrespect their mother.

[Colleen in NS]

Likely he needs some good, hard physical labor.

 

12 year old boys are often testing the waters and wanting to be "men" but aren't there yet. Make sure that dad is on top of this and shows that MEN never disrespect their mother.

 

Oooo, yes, this part too. I forgot about the part where he said in front of his Dad that he didn't get what he wanted. Time for that united front to show up! :D He needs to hear it from Dad that Mom is to be obeyed even when Dad isn't around.

[Impish]

He wouldn't be allowed to remain on the couch, for one. Upstairs, to his room until he's ready to be compliant.

[amy g.]

Is there any way that all of the kids and grand kids can all earn a reward for getting along together instead of having the younger children choosing a punishment for the older ones?

 

I really feel that this sets up a damaging dynamic, and puts you farther from your goal.

 

Can you change from punishing him to telling him how his bossing makes you feel as a person?

 

I know my son can give me tit for tat when I'm being strong, but when I get vulnerable with him and say, "When you treat me that way, I'm really hurt, and it makes me afraid that the people who have criticized my parenting choices are really right, and I've not done as good with you as I wanted to." He just crumbles. He can not stand to actually hurt me, he just wants the stimulation and entertainment of challenging me.

 

You know I have a large family with a wide age range. My husband the 7th child of 8. I'm not saying that bossing is okay. I know that it can cause children to have life-long resentments, so please do not think I'm dismissing your problem.

 

There just has to be a solution that builds closeness and cohesion instead of even more division.

Edited July 19, 2011 by amy g.

[Colleen in NS]

I'm not saying that bossing is okay. I know that it can cause children to have life-long resentments, so please do not think I'm dismissing your problem.

 

There just has to be a solution that builds closeness and cohesion instead of even more division.

 

:iagree: I'm the oldest of five, and *I* was that bossy child. Although I don't think I was outright defiant to my mother (and I was a girl, too). But anyway, if my oldest pulls the bossiness thing on his sister, I call him on it and tell him, "I know EXACTLY what you are up to, my friend! Remember, I, too, was the oldest child! And Grandma often had to tell me to quit bossin' your aunt and uncles!" with a big grin on my face, which usually gets him giggling and helps to diffuse things. I tell him I know how he feels about different things, and that he needs to come tell me when he feels annoyances building up. I tell him that his sister will always be his family, and it's good to continue building a friendship with her.

[lovelaughs_times_three]

I just think that as parents, we need to be careful to pick our battles. But once we have picked one, we need to be sure we win. Otherwise we are setting ourselves up for a bigger battle next time around.

 

I don't mean that you should starve him. But I don't think there is any real concern there. When he's hungry, he will eat! And he will find himself motivated to do 5 minutes. Five minutes is really such a small thing to do. This is so obviously his test.

 

It has always helped with my kids when I don't give up on the battle, but I don't get mad at them either. If I have stated that they have to sit in time out until they are willing to do something, I happily go on with my day. I sing, I laugh, I don't get mad. I think, sometimes, our anger gives the kids a sense of power over us. When they see that we mean business, but that we aren't going to lose our joy over it, they usually - eventually - give in.

 

I also have to remind myself, if I start to feel guilty, that I picked this battle for their benefit.

[Parrothead]

Well, for one, I think that this is a time for dad to step in BIG TIME. I would have tell him in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that NO ONE, esp. not a 12 year old will disrespect his wife.

 

If it possible, he goes to work with dad (I know this doesn't work with many jobs though). Otherwise, dad takes over most of his discipline and works with them and makes this boy WORK. Likely he needs some good, hard physical labor.

 

12 year old boys are often testing the waters and wanting to be "men" but aren't there yet. Make sure that dad is on top of this and shows that MEN never disrespect their mother.

:iagree:

[Colleen in NS]

I just think that as parents, we need to be careful to pick our battles. But once we have picked one, we need to be sure we win. Otherwise we are setting ourselves up for a bigger battle next time around.

 

I don't mean that you should starve him. But I don't think there is any real concern there. When he's hungry, he will eat! And he will find himself motivated to do 5 minutes. Five minutes is really such a small thing to do. This is so obviously his test.

 

Let's just say that some kids are FAR stronger willed than others, and will. not. give. in. to some clashes, even when dinner-taken-away is involved. Their battle and dignity become far more important than eating. Pick battles, yes. But sometimes a picked battle is actually a mistake for that particular situation, and needs to be cancelled. I've done it, without long-term negative consequences. In fact, they turned out for the good. If I cancelled often, I'd be setting myself up for a bigger battle. But I rarely do. But when I do, I talk with my kids so that they thoroughly understand why I cancelled (and so I can hear any deeper down frustration that led to the behaviour in the first place), and that I will be SURE to think more cleverly next time if it happens again. Things just can't be black and white all the time, esp. during this transition from childhood to adulthood.

Edited July 19, 2011 by Colleen in NS

[smillard00]

Well, for one, I think that this is a time for dad to step in BIG TIME. I would have tell him in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that NO ONE, esp. not a 12 year old will disrespect his wife...12 year old boys are often testing the waters and wanting to be "men" but aren't there yet. Make sure that dad is on top of this and shows that MEN never disrespect their mother.

 

:iagree: When my son went through this phase, my husband stepped in and really laid down the law that we don't treat Mom that way. He showed how disrespectful his behavior was and that it wouldn't be tolerated. He had to really stay on top of him for a while and they talked a lot about how gentlemen behave. Ds really came around and is very kind now. He is disappointed if I don't let him open the door for me or carry things. He says yes ma'am more than the younger children, even. He is really being a great young man (he's 14 now). But his father had to really stay on top of things for a while. I also took that chance to step back and make sure that I was responding to him calmly and maturely.

[Grover]

My guys are littler but I'd deal with defiance the same way, regardless of age, which is complete withdrawal of all services and attention. He can sit there as long as he likes, but until he complies I'm doing nothing for him, no food, no rides anywhere, no helping him find things / letting him use any toys or equipment, etc - until you do as you were told you are not here and you get nothing.

[Unicorn.]

He can do the push ups, or he can go to bed, and he will do them in the a.m. before he eats breakfast. Or, if you haven't had supper yet, he doesn't eat until he does X number of push ups.

[Joyofsixreboot]

I would just keep my cool and wait him out. He sits on the couch, doesn't get to eat, doesn't get to participate in any fun, until he has done the push-ups. I would happily go about my day and pretty much ignore him. I'd out-last his smugness! ;)

 

I think you are doing a great job!!! :001_smile:

:iagree:

The only thing that works for my 12yo is to plain outlast her. And it can be a job.

[Sputterduck]

I'd wait him out. I've got LOTS of patience for that. I'm sure my son is completely convinced that trying to wait me out isn't worth it. Once you convince them of that, you don't have any more of this. LOL He needs to know that it just is not worth it.

[zaichiki]

I get vulnerable with him and say, "When you treat me that way, I'm really hurt, and it makes me afraid that the people who have criticized my parenting choices are really right, and I've not done as good with you as I wanted to." He just crumbles. He can not stand to actually hurt me, he just wants the stimulation and entertainment of challenging me.

 

Eek. That's not becoming vulnerable. That's guilt-tripping. Most sons crumble when their mothers use guilt.

[woolybear]

QUOTE=Colleen in NS;2945773]Let's just say that some kids are FAR stronger willed than others, and will. not. give. in. to some clashes, even when dinner-taken-away is involved. Their battle and dignity become far more important than eating. Pick battles, yes. But sometimes a picked battle is actually a mistake for that particular situation, and needs to be cancelled. I've done it, without long-term negative consequences. In fact, they turned out for the good. If I cancelled often, I'd be setting myself up for a bigger battle. But I rarely do. But when I do, I talk with my kids so that they thoroughly understand why I cancelled (and so I can hear any deeper down frustration that led to the behaviour in the first place), and that I will be SURE to think more cleverly next time if it happens again. Things just can't be black and white all the time, esp. during this transition from childhood to adulthood.

:iagree: Not that I have much wisdom in this department. I have a child who has been VERY strong willed since birth. And I do mean since birth. He just turned 11 and we are entering a new phase. Not a fun one. He is trying to push new boundaries. At any rate, I had reached my limit and said if he did X again, he would not be having his birthday party. Well, he did X again. I said that's it. but you know what, he didn't care too much. I thought it all over and decided that I could change what I say. I told him that I would like to see him have a birthday party. (He has only had one at age 3.) However, I am not happy with X behaviour which needs to stop. Therefor, there needs to be a consequence because this was already discussed and the behaviour happened again. So, no computer time for a week. Suddenly, I got a "NOOOOO......" I had been letting him play more recently on the computer. Well, we are into day 2 and I already see improvement. So, it is interesting, because I know he wants that b-day party, but somehow it just didn't motivate him. Now, playing on the computer is. *I hope*

[bookfiend]

Teen-proofing by John Rosemond.

[Sputterduck]

Eek. That's not becoming vulnerable. That's guilt-tripping. Most sons crumble when their mothers use guilt.

 

She's being totally honest with him, though. Sometimes children need a dose if honesty. They need to know how they affect those around them.

[amy g.]

How interesting that you think that's guilt tripping.

[ereks mom]

Well, for one, I think that this is a time for dad to step in BIG TIME. I would have tell him in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that NO ONE, esp. not a 12 year old will disrespect his wife.

 

If it possible, he goes to work with dad (I know this doesn't work with many jobs though). Otherwise, dad takes over most of his discipline and works with them and makes this boy WORK. Likely he needs some good, hard physical labor.

 

12 year old boys are often testing the waters and wanting to be "men" but aren't there yet. Make sure that dad is on top of this and shows that MEN never disrespect their mother.

 

:iagree:

[Pretty in Pink]

He could sit on the sofa all afternoon and half of the night for all I care. I don't mind waiting. Sometimes my 12yo needs a few hours to come around, but he always does eventually.

[BMW]

Thanks....

 

Dh is out of town all week. We got on the phone and discussed it and let son know that if he keeps it up, he will not go out on family outings this weekend (he loves to hang out at the boat, etc.).

 

Still no response from him.

 

I made him a simpler dinner than what we had (our dinner would have been a treat for him). I served him a nice sandwich and baked beans and he refused to eat.

 

I sent him to his room.

 

He overheard me say that he didn't have to do the push ups solid for 5 minutes.

 

He came out a few minutes ago and was ready to comply. We talked about the issues and he got the push ups done (I had him do 5 sets of 10 push ups) (I didn't even count them to make sure... I really am a nice mom...). Now he is ready for dinner.

 

***I had asked for some wwyd advice on the bossiness last week and most people who responded said that they would do something similar to what I am doing. The point of a younger one choosing what you "do" as a consequence is to demonstrate that the younger one doesn't want to be bossed around and so the older one wouldn't like it, either... It worked quite well last week. Hopefully I don't have very many battles this week. I will make sure to get some nice time in with my boy now that he is turning it around...***

[Renee in NC]

I would just keep my cool and wait him out. He sits on the couch, doesn't get to eat, doesn't get to participate in any fun, until he has done the push-ups. I would happily go about my day and pretty much ignore him. I'd out-last his smugness! ;)

 

I think you are doing a great job!!! :001_smile:

 

:iagree:

 

The bossiness is a separate issue, though, and I don't know what to do about that. We have the same problem in my home.;)

[woolybear]

I will make sure to get some nice time in with my boy now that he is turning it around...***

 

Ah, good idea. Thanks for the reminder.

[justasque]

In my experience, punishment is not always the most successful way to address issues with a stubborn child, esp. one who is 12, and esp. when a conflict with other kids is the trigger. (Also esp. with a child who may soon be bigger/stronger than mom.) Instead, I would use conflict resolution techniques to mediate the dispute between the younger grandchildren and the 12 year old. I would encourage all parties to discuss their feelings using "I" statements, etc., and help them come to an understanding about how to proceed. I've found it can also help get to the root cause of a particular kid being difficult that day, which is often about something else entirely.

 

The advantage of this method is it helps them each understand the others' position, and teaches them other ways to deal with conflict. Also, it is a peaceful, dignified approach, and it models how conflict can be handled in other situations as they grow up (e.g. marriage, workplace).

[Laurie4b]

You''ve gotten some good advice. My boys are 18,16,14, 12.

 

Dad must get involved and be seen as the primarily disciplinarian. he's the general, you're the lieutenant while he's gone, enforcing his orders.

 

I would not let the younger kid pick a punishment for the older. It's just tit-for-tat that way and reinforced the allure of being bossy. What I would do is for you to choose a way that the older child can serve the younger. For instance, doing a chore for him, playing a game he likes to play. This reinforces what my dh is always drilling in his sons' heads: you use your strength to serve the weaker.

 

When you do get into power battles, choose things that you are in control of--as you have with the meals. We served "plain healthy meals" here for a while with a foster daughter who was just not motivated by anything but food. So we might have pizza (a favorite) and she would get the nutritional equivalent: bread, slice of cheese, slice of tomato. Or we might have bbq chicken, mashed potatoes with butter, corn on the cob, and salad. She would get plain chicken, boiled potatoes, corn on the cob, and sald: but not condiments: no bbq sauce, no butter, no salad dressing,no salt and pepper. No dessert. There was a middling meal in which she could get condiments but no desserts. It took about 3 nights of this for her to get the picture.

 

You can carry this through in a way that also hits home and is not big deal for you. Saying. "You're choosing not to be a contributer to the family. Just keep in mind that I might not be inclined to treat you as a contributer to thefamily. I do things like drive you places you want to go, because you are a member of this family. I may decide that doing my part of contributing to the family that way is not really appropriate for someone who is not a contributer." Then don't take him anywhere for the next few days.

[lovelaughs_times_three]

When you do get into power battles, choose things that you are in control of--as you have with the meals. We served "plain healthy meals" here for a while with a foster daughter who was just not motivated by anything but food. So we might have pizza (a favorite) and she would get the nutritional equivalent: bread, slice of cheese, slice of tomato. Or we might have bbq chicken, mashed potatoes with butter, corn on the cob, and salad. She would get plain chicken, boiled potatoes, corn on the cob, and sald: but not condiments: no bbq sauce, no butter, no salad dressing,no salt and pepper. No dessert. There was a middling meal in which she could get condiments but no desserts. It took about 3 nights of this for her to get the picture.

 

 

 

I LOVE this!!! I'm going to tuck it away in my memory for a rainy day! Thanks for sharing, Laurie!

[lovelaughs_times_three]

Thanks....

 

Dh is out of town all week. We got on the phone and discussed it and let son know that if he keeps it up, he will not go out on family outings this weekend (he loves to hang out at the boat, etc.).

 

Still no response from him.

 

I made him a simpler dinner than what we had (our dinner would have been a treat for him). I served him a nice sandwich and baked beans and he refused to eat.

 

I sent him to his room.

 

He overheard me say that he didn't have to do the push ups solid for 5 minutes.

 

He came out a few minutes ago and was ready to comply. We talked about the issues and he got the push ups done (I had him do 5 sets of 10 push ups) (I didn't even count them to make sure... I really am a nice mom...). Now he is ready for dinner.

 

***I had asked for some wwyd advice on the bossiness last week and most people who responded said that they would do something similar to what I am doing. The point of a younger one choosing what you "do" as a consequence is to demonstrate that the younger one doesn't want to be bossed around and so the older one wouldn't like it, either... It worked quite well last week. Hopefully I don't have very many battles this week. I will make sure to get some nice time in with my boy now that he is turning it around...***

 

Yay!!! :hurray: Glad it worked out!

 

BTW - I really loved the idea of having the younger pick the consequence. It made it more light-hearted. It turned it into more of a game than an anger thing. I find my kids respond better when I have a light-hearted approach. I will give a consequence, but I keep my joy and peace. I find I am much more effective that way.

[Murphy101]

She's being totally honest with him, though. Sometimes children need a dose if honesty. They need to know how they affect those around them.

 

I agree.

 

I think a HUGE aspect is being missed? This is not his younger siblIngs? But actually younger nephews? Correct?

 

I had tremendous resentment over my nephews when I was that age. And the notion that I should treat them as siblings was part of it. Frankly I lived there, not them. They were not my siblings. I didn't think babysitting them was fun. And I didn't appreciate it much at all. It was all the stress of company visiting and all the conflict of siblings and none of the respect for me as my parents kid/aunt. Yeah. I remember having some blow ups at that age too and deciding I'd had enough. Frankly if my nephews had also been permitted to punish me - heck would freeze and I'd starve before doing so much as one pushup.

[Gailmegan]

In my experience, punishment is not always the most successful way to address issues with a stubborn child, esp. one who is 12, and esp. when a conflict with other kids is the trigger. (Also esp. with a child who may soon be bigger/stronger than mom.) Instead, I would use conflict resolution techniques to mediate the dispute between the younger grandchildren and the 12 year old. I would encourage all parties to discuss their feelings using "I" statements, etc., and help them come to an understanding about how to proceed. I've found it can also help get to the root cause of a particular kid being difficult that day, which is often about something else entirely.

 

The advantage of this method is it helps them each understand the others' position, and teaches them other ways to deal with conflict. Also, it is a peaceful, dignified approach, and it models how conflict can be handled in other situations as they grow up (e.g. marriage, workplace).

 

:iagree:

[Joker]

Did your grandchild get to pick the punishment for your son? I'm confused on this and see where it could lead to bigger problems.

[BMW]

I baby sit my grandson who is 3 and his baby sister who is 9 months. I watch them every Monday through Wednesday, year round for the time being and I really enjoy it, it blesses the family and most of the year my sons are in school.

 

My older boys were driving me crazy with the bossing. I was correcting them several times a day and they just weren't stopping.

[CalicoKat]

Oooo, yes, this part too. I forgot about the part where he said in front of his Dad that he didn't get what he wanted. Time for that united front to show up! :D He needs to hear it from Dad that Mom is to be obeyed even when Dad isn't around.

 

:iagree: And I'd probably stick him in a time out chair until his daddy was available, no matter how long that took.

[Murphy101]

I baby sit my grandson who is 3 and his baby sister who is 9 months. I watch them every Monday through Wednesday, year round for the time being and I really enjoy it, it blesses the family and most of the year my sons are in school.

 

My older boys were driving me crazy with the bossing. I was correcting them several times a day and they just weren't stopping.

 

A 3 year old should be told what to do by a 12 year old, not the other way around. Sounds like the older sons are getting mighty fed up sick and tired of the grandkids.

 

What are they bossing them about? I would think with such an age difference they would be doing their own things separate?

[In The Great White North]

In my opinion, the whole situation was unreasonable. There is no way in h*** I would have done the push-ups either. I would have seen it as totally unreasonable and unfair. I would have died first. (Have you read Dobson's The Strong-Willed Child?)

 

A 3 year old should be told what to do by a 12 year old, not the other way around.

 

:iagree: 12 year olds have a lot more judgment than a 3 year old (witness the punishment. Only a Navy Seal could do push ups for 5 minutes without stopping!)

 

And letting a 3 year old pick a punishment for a 12 year old (or anyone else for that matter) is teaching the 3 year old to boss. With you as enforcer.

 

When you do get into power battles, choose things that you are in control of

 

:iagree: And don't let the 3 year old choose them for you. Then he gets to boss you too. ("You said you would make him do whatever I said for 5 minutes!")

 

Sounds like the older boys need some responsibility and something to do (besides watching the babies - preferably out of the house on Mondays thru Wednesdays.)

[BMW]

I get that you might not have liked what I came up with for their bossiness...

and I really get that you don't know us and are not here...

 

I have to sit and laugh. No, the 3 year old should not be told what he can and cannot do by the 12 year old. Not in my home! Not unless I delegate that. I am the parent. Because it gets out of hand. I know my 12 and 14 year old boys better than that. They need to be busy doing their own things, not ordering around the little ones. It was getting out of hand and they just were not stopping... (My 12 and 14 year olds have no business telling anyone what to do... one of them has been the bully for years and I just wont have it)

 

I wish that you were commenting last week when I asked for ideas on how to stop the bossing. I asked for an instant "consequence" for when they do it because no matter what I was saying to the older ones, they just wouldn't stop. If bossing wouldn't bother you, great. It bugs the heck out of me... like tattling.

 

For this week I am going to change it up and if they start it up, I'll say, "Oh, goodness, if you have time to take charge of Christopher and tell him what he can and cannot do (or whatever the case may be) you must need something to do..." and I'll give him a chore.

 

Dh and I talked and realize that the boys need a lot more physical activity right now (as many of you have said :)). Will work on that, too... Keep them busy and not let them get bored.

 

Thanks again everyone.

[Murphy101]

How to stop the bossing is really very simple.

 

If the little ones are out of their hair, they won't be bossed about. I'd be really ticked if I LIVE somewhere and can't be comfortable in my own home bc these other kids are always in the way. Selfish? Maybe. Reasonable? Maybe that too. Why do the boys have to constantly get chores or be punished because the grandkids are there? What are they bossing the 3 yr old to do that is so out of hand?:confused: I would think the bossing would be more along the lines of "leave that alone" "stay out of my room" "go play over there" type stuff.

 

If the bossiness is unreasonable, then I'd deal with that aspect of it. If it is reasonable, then it isn't bossiness.

 

Of course, I don't believe in tattling either. If my kids are doing something they shouldn't, I want to know about it.

 

It sounds like you don't want to know about it (no tattling) and you want to punish the older kids for handling it on their own too (only the 3 yr old gets to be bossy?).

 

I'd be pretty resentful if I were those boys too!:confused::001_huh:

[BMW]

I guess I haven't really given examples of what goes on. The little ones are not in the bigger kids space. The bigger kids have the run of the house. The grandkids are not allowed in their bedrooms. The grandkids play in the living room and the yards (front and back) and I supervise all the time (they are running late today, they are not here yet). Older kids can ride bikes, roller blade, care for pets, garden, etc. We go place together all the time, too. I don't see the older ones as resentful ever. They are not like that. They are usually happy and excited about each day and whatever is going on.

 

In that process of daily life, they began constantly telling the little ones what to do, with me right in the room. "No, you cannot play with that." "Don't push the chair on the floor that way" "Don't walk on the carpet with your shoes" "Stay in your seat when you're eating" "Don't take your drink from the table" On and on and on. Right in front of me. I kept repeating myself, saying "You are not in charge, I am right here. I can tell them that." It is a problem for one of the older boys because he tends to go too far and bully. I am the mom of that child who ticks you off because he doesn't know when to back off. I understand that you might not mind if your 12 year old does this. That's okay.

 

As mentioned, I need to get 12yob busy... He needs more of his own time and things to do. Dh and I also see that when son doesn't get what he wants or when he gets in a little bit of trouble, he just makes things worse and that was what happened yesterday. He had lied to his brother and his brother's family (grandson's parents) over the weekend and that lie caused a big family fight (arguments). It was a terrible thing. Son simply spoke untruthfully and stirred up a lot of trouble. He still has to call his brother and admit to the lies and apologize. He had been given an extra chore and had lost video games (he had been going online with them when I asked him not to and I haven't figured out the parental controls yet). So, he just wasn't very cooperative or nice yesterday. On purpose. But, when I met his resolve and didn't give in, he decided to comply. Then he ended up having dinner and joined in with dessert and had a great time with me at night. This morning he is quite pleasant and huggy with me.

 

So... anyway...

 

And, no, the 3 year old doesn't get to be bossy. I'll handle it differently.

 

The kids are all learning and have been taught for years now that you should tell me when someone is doing something that is dangerous... I teach them when they should be telling me.

 

Here's to a great rest of the week! Boy, have I got some organizing to do here and there while the kiddos are here!!

[Birdwinglips]

I would just keep my cool and wait him out. He sits on the couch, doesn't get to eat, doesn't get to participate in any fun, until he has done the push-ups. I would happily go about my day and pretty much ignore him. I'd out-last his smugness! ;)

 

I think you are doing a great job!!! :001_smile:

 

:iagree:

 

My 10 yo boy does best when I just leave him alone awhile. He will usually cool down, repent, apologize and we will talk about it. Consequences are given then when we are both "cooled off". If I challenge him, get angry, argue, etc. it gets us nowhere.

I was at a loss when he reached this stage (he's my oldest) but have learned there is no use in a challenge. They are testing out the road to independence.

 

I agree with others who said seek out good behaviors to commend. Also find good times when things are easy going to talk to him about why he feels he's been so bossy. Maybe there is something else bothering him.

[Impish]

A 3 year old should be told what to do by a 12 year old, not the other way around.

I completely disagree. Diva is 12, Tazzie is 6, Princess is 4. Diva does not have the right to order her sibs around, and its a constant correction issue around here. I'm the parent, not her. She's not in charge, I am.

[zaichiki]

In that process of daily life, they began constantly telling the little ones what to do, with me right in the room. "No, you cannot play with that." "Don't push the chair on the floor that way" "Don't walk on the carpet with your shoes" "Stay in your seat when you're eating" "Don't take your drink from the table" On and on and on. Right in front of me. I kept repeating myself, saying "You are not in charge, I am right here. I can tell them that."

 

We have these issues with my oldest. When I'm honest with myself, I recognize that he's just repeating what I say to him... Sigh. Sometimes I catch myself and boss less (finding patient and positive ways to correct)... sometimes my bossing and ordering is actually showing immense self-control. heh heh

 

What if he said "Hey, come on over here and play with this instead" or "Let's be careful with the chair because it can scratch the floor. Look, we can do it this way. I'll show you." or "Did you forget about your shoes?" Of course tone of voice is important here. Sounds like he just wants to help. Maybe your ds just needs some coaching? (I know mine does.)

Edited July 19, 2011 by zaichiki

[ChemMommy]

I would just keep my cool and wait him out. He sits on the couch, doesn't get to eat, doesn't get to participate in any fun, until he has done the push-ups. I would happily go about my day and pretty much ignore him. I'd out-last his smugness! ;)

 

I think you are doing a great job!!! :001_smile:

 

 

:iagree:

[ChemMommy]

I think you are wise to nip this habit/sin now, but I don't think that having the younger child set the punishment is a way to engender warmer feelings between the children.

 

I think that I would go to my son and admit that you'd had a bad idea and ask his forgiveness. Then, explain what you will do when he acts bossy again. Give him some examples of when he as acted bossy. Let him know that this conversation is all of the warning he will receive ever. Hug him and tell him you love him and are committee to helping him adjust his attitude toward others since it is not healthy for you home and not good for his future friendships.

 

If, in the future, he refuses to obey you, then you must outlast him. I don't think that withholding food for a meal with a 12yo is unreasonable. Frankly, for growing boys, it will be highly motivating. But, electronics is probably a better choice and easier to enforce.

 

Hugs for standing strong in the discipline department.....