What does it mean when someone tells his/her spouse: "I never loved you"?

[BamaTanya]

We have friends -- close friends -- who recently went through a divorce after 20+ yrs of marriage. When I say close, I mean close. We both knew them through their lay ministry at church before we met each other. Dh, as a single, used to crash on their sofa after working with them on church concerts or parties, etc. They doubled with us when dh and I were dating. They visited me in the hospital when our babies were born. Their dc babysat our dc. We had cookouts and birthday parties together. Dh and the husband worked on house projects while the wife and I cooked.

 

He (the husband) began spending increasing amounts of time in his office on his computer. And less time with his wife and children and church.

 

Finally he told his wife he didn't want to be married and that he had never loved her.

 

:confused::confused::confused:

 

We all suspected that he was having an affair, but we don't know for sure. After the divorce he quit his job and moved out of state.

 

But my question is about his feeling that "I never loved you."

 

I know that no one can ever really know what goes on inside others' marriage. But we saw these people up close and personal -- at good times AND bad -- times of stress and times of celebration.

 

He ADORED her. He HATED being away from her. Couldn't wait to get home after business trips. His whole life revolved around her and their children and church. He was "giddy" with delight when he would come home.

 

Sometimes dh and I would have our kids in tow as we shopped and we'd run into them without their kids (who were older) and we would remark how they were like a couple of teenagers on a date -- laughing and playing. And dh and I would look forward to the time we could spend more time alone together. You know?

 

I do understand that abuse or neglect could destroy any fond feelings, but this was not evident in this case. In fact, she tried desperately to save their marriage.

 

Is it possible that someone could "never love" someone and put on a show for that long? Does a new relationship negate your past?

 

His actions (destroying their credit, for instance) seem to indicate that "not loving" is not the case. It seems he despises her and would be fine if her life were destroyed.

[Crimson Wife]

That sounds like an emotionally abusive/manipulative tactic. He may not want the hassle of being married at this point when he could be off doing who knows what with who knows whom, but it doesn't sound like he "never loved her".

[DawnM]

It is possible that he is reframing all of the past 20 years through new lenses.

 

I have a dear friend whose wife just had ANOTHER affair. She has major issues. She now claims all sorts of things from their 25 years of marraige that are simply not true (his neglect, him not caring, and on and on.) He still wants to take her back, yet again, after yet again another affair....but she needs a good "reason" to leave and has re-created history in her mind to justify her actions in her mind.

 

My guess is that your friend's husband is doing the same.

 

Dawn

Edited July 11, 2011 by DawnM

[missmoe]

My guess would be that he did love her. Love is an action or series of actions, not just a feeling. What you described between them shows love. At this point he is not showing that love and is most likely seeing the past through the lens of his feelings now.

[Joanne]

He (the husband) began spending increasing amounts of time in his office on his computer. And less time with his wife and children and church.

 

We all suspected that he was having an affair, but we don't know for sure. After the divorce he quit his job and moved out of state.

 

He ADORED her. He HATED being away from her. Couldn't wait to get home after business trips. His whole life revolved around her and their children and church. He was "giddy" with delight when he would come home.

 

.

 

The computer use and disengagement speaks to depression, affair, porn and/or addiction.

 

The other quote, about his behavior with her, seems over the top and obsessive.

 

The "never loved you" is simply a emotionally cruel manipulative tactic to distance himself from the pain he is causing.

[Remudamom]

Why do we have to analyze stuff like this? He said, who cares why he said it, he's a jerk, move on. Could he possibly be my bil?

[DawnM]

20 years and kids together is not just a "well, move on and get over it" situation.

 

Dawn

 

 

Why do we have to analyze stuff like this? He said, who cares why he said it, he's a jerk, move on. Could he possibly be my bil?

[Harriet Vane]

It is possible that he is reframing all of the past 20 years through new lenses.

 

I have a dear friend whose wife just had ANOTHER affair. She has major issues. She now claims all sorts of things from their 25 years of marraige that are simply not true (his neglect, him not caring, and on and on.) He still wants to take her back, yet again, after yet again another affair....but he needs a good "reason" to leave and has re-created history in her mind to justify her actions in her mind.

 

My guess is that your friend's husband is doing the same.

 

Dawn

 

:iagree:

[Remudamom]

If he's leaving her what should she do? When you can't control the situation you have to live with it. If he's leaving her because he never loved her then the sooner she can move on and be happy the better.

[FaithManor]

The "never loved you" is simply a emotionally cruel manipulative tactic to distance himself from the pain he is causing.

 

This!

 

I've known many a divorcing spouse that used cruelty as some sort of twisted attempt to justify their actions.

 

Faith

[Recovering Sociopath]

The computer use and disengagement speaks to depression, affair, porn and/or addiction.

 

The other quote, about his behavior with her, seems over the top and obsessive.

 

The "never loved you" is simply a emotionally cruel manipulative tactic to distance himself from the pain he is causing.

 

:iagree:

 

In addition, I'll just jump on one of my soapboxes here and add that, on one level, his feelings don't matter; his actions do. He made a promise. We are not at the mercy of "love." It is a choice. Affections can be cultivated, and we have a responsibility actively to cultivate affection for our spouses. Nobody just falls out of love accidentally. You choose to stop caring.

 

(It should go without saying that instances of abuse, etc. are another matter.)

[Dobela]

He is using that as a way to justify his actions and distance himself from her. Burning bridges.

[nono]

Maybe he found a new infatuation, and is mistaking the feeling of infatuation with true love. For me, the description you have of the two of them together sounds like extended infatuation, so perhaps he's actually right that he never loved her. Whether I think it is right for him to blow up the marriage wasn't the question.

 

Anyway, :grouphug: to you because I'm sure it's affecting you much if you posted about it. But I do agree with Remudamom...he revealed himself as a jerk.

 

He wouldn't be worthy of much more thought from me. But, I'm old and cranky. ;)

[Kathleen in VA]

If this happened to me I'm pretty sure I would not be able to just get on with my life. There would be a lot of time mulling over the whole relationship because I would be wondering what in the world I missed about our relationship along the way. I would have a whole lot of questions and I would be asking all my friends what they thought I did wrong, what I could've done differently, etc. Perhaps none of that would be productive, but it would most certainly be my initial reaction. The moving on part would take a lot of time.

 

Besides distancing himself from his wife in this cruel way, this statement is probably also his way of convincing himself he is doing the right thing by leaving her - maybe even doing her a favor. It is how he can reconcile his conscience with, what he no doubt senses, is unjustiable behavior.

[Nakia]

I have no idea, but how sad. This is a different type of situation, but my mother told me a few years back that she never loved my biological father, though they were married for 9 years and had two children together. I can tell you that was one of the hardest things I've ever heard in my life. It was like a knife in my gut. To know that I was not conceived in love makes me physically ill if I think about it too long. So, I hope he never lets their children hear him say it. :(

[freerange]

:iagree:

 

In addition, I'll just jump on one of my soapboxes here and add that, on one level, his feelings don't matter; his actions do. He made a promise. We are not at the mercy of "love." It is a choice. Affections can be cultivated, and we have a responsibility actively to cultivate affection for our spouses. Nobody just falls out of love accidentally. You choose to stop caring.

 

(It should go without saying that instances of abuse, etc. are another matter.)

:iagree:once you get past the first rush of infatuation, and make those vows, you're committing to working at it.

 

:grouphug: OP, don't take it to heart. His behavior does not mean that you & your DH have to go that way too. As RS says, 'It is a choice.'

[Mrs Mungo]

I'd say that it means he is more infatuated with his new girlfriend than the wife with whom he is familiar. You don't love everyone in exactly the same way. This new "love" feels different. It's easier for him to tell himself what he felt before wasn't love.

[Tammyla]

:iagree: It's an easy way to justify his actions, and an easy/intentional way to really hurt his wife.

 

I'd say that it means he is more infatuated with his new girlfriend than the wife with whom he is familiar. You don't love everyone in exactly the same way. This new "love" feels different. It's easier for him to tell himself what he felt before wasn't love.

[Scarlett]

We have friends -- close friends -- who recently went through a divorce after 20+ yrs of marriage. When I say close, I mean close. We both knew them through their lay ministry at church before we met each other. Dh, as a single, used to crash on their sofa after working with them on church concerts or parties, etc. They doubled with us when dh and I were dating. They visited me in the hospital when our babies were born. Their dc babysat our dc. We had cookouts and birthday parties together. Dh and the husband worked on house projects while the wife and I cooked.

 

He (the husband) began spending increasing amounts of time in his office on his computer. And less time with his wife and children and church.

 

Finally he told his wife he didn't want to be married and that he had never loved her.

 

:confused::confused::confused:

 

We all suspected that he was having an affair, but we don't know for sure. After the divorce he quit his job and moved out of state.

 

But my question is about his feeling that "I never loved you."

 

I know that no one can ever really know what goes on inside others' marriage. But we saw these people up close and personal -- at good times AND bad -- times of stress and times of celebration.

 

He ADORED her. He HATED being away from her. Couldn't wait to get home after business trips. His whole life revolved around her and their children and church. He was "giddy" with delight when he would come home.

 

Sometimes dh and I would have our kids in tow as we shopped and we'd run into them without their kids (who were older) and we would remark how they were like a couple of teenagers on a date -- laughing and playing. And dh and I would look forward to the time we could spend more time alone together. You know?

 

I do understand that abuse or neglect could destroy any fond feelings, but this was not evident in this case. In fact, she tried desperately to save their marriage.

 

Is it possible that someone could "never love" someone and put on a show for that long? Does a new relationship negate your past?His actions (destroying their credit, for instance) seem to indicate that "not loving" is not the case. It seems he despises her and would be fine if her life were destroyed.

 

It means he is having an affair. And the rewriting of marital history is common in that situation. Think of it as a drug. It turns everything upside down and inside out and none of it is 'real'.

 

Send the wife to http://www.marriagebuilders.com

[Joanne]

It means he is having an affair. And the rewriting of marital history is common in that situation. Think of it as a drug. It turns everything upside down and inside out and none of it is 'real'.

 

Send the wife to http://www.marriagebuilders.com

 

Although I don't like some of his advice, and find some of it poor in terms of legal vulnerability, I do think he is spot on regarding the "addiction like" quality of an affair and new love.

[Scarlett]

Although I don't like some of his advice, and find some of it poor in terms of legal vulnerability, I do think he is spot on regarding the "addiction like" quality of an affair and new love.

 

I find some of it over the top too....but for someone who wants to stop their spouses affair and save their marriage I think they have great step by step instructions.

 

Personally, I was so 'done' by the time I found out about the affair I didn't want to save it.

 

What part do you think is vulnerable legally speaking?

[dangermom]

:iagree: It's an easy way to justify his actions, and an easy/intentional way to really hurt his wife.

 

Yep. She should absolutely not take it as truth. He's trying to say the most hurtful thing he can think of; it has nothing to do with reality.

 

Sounds like affair or a porn addiction or something; he's become a different person and that person is a horrible jerk.

[Joanne]

I find some of it over the top too....but for someone who wants to stop their spouses affair and save their marriage I think they have great step by step instructions.

 

Personally, I was so 'done' by the time I found out about the affair I didn't want to save it.

 

What part do you think is vulnerable legally speaking?

 

I'm not even a fan of his scripted "stop the affair" plan.

 

I think that the intermediary/third party communication suggestion puts the spouse with the kids in a vulnerable place. In general, courts don't "care" about affairs when evaluating issues relating to kids. Maybe they "should", but they *don't*. They do care, however, about co-parenting. So, as unfair as it may be, dealing directly with the wayward spouse over co-parenting issues is best.

[Scarlett]

I'm not even a fan of his scripted "stop the affair" plan.

 

I think that the intermediary/third party communication suggestion puts the spouse with the kids in a vulnerable place. In general, courts don't "care" about affairs when evaluating issues relating to kids. Maybe they "should", but they *don't*. They do care, however, about co-parenting. So, as unfair as it may be, dealing directly with the wayward spouse over co-parenting issues is best.

 

I agree with this. The courts don't care (ugh)...I've managed to deal directly with my XH concerning ds and received lots of advice from there that it is harmful to me. What is harmful to me, at this point, is the pain XH causes ds. I am not going to stop listening to my son tell me how he feels about his father so what would be the point of an intermediary between XH and me!

 

A lot of that hardnosed advise is from the boards though....when I hear Dr. Harley speak on the radio he seems less radical.

 

I LOVE his article on choosing a marriage mate though. The compatibility list is dead on to me.

[Carol in Cal.]

It means that he is having an affair.

 

People in the early throes of new love always feel like it is completely unique. If truth were told, he probably thinks that not only did he never love his wife, but no one in the history of the universe has ever loved anyone else like he loves his affair-ee.

 

He is being a delusional jerk.

[Brilliant]

...

A lot of that hardnosed advise is from the boards though....when I hear Dr. Harley speak on the radio he seems less radical.

 

I LOVE his article on choosing a marriage mate though. The compatibility list is dead on to me.

 

My dh and I love Dr Harley...we read his book about 16 years ago and agree that it saved our marriage from ourselves. I'm not familiar with his website or advice on what happens after an affair, but I highly recommend reading His Needs, Her Needs for any couple who wants a stronger marriage.

[Scarlett]

My dh and I love Dr Harley...we read his book about 16 years ago and agree that it saved our marriage from ourselves. I'm not familiar with his website or advice on what happens after an affair, but I highly recommend reading His Needs, Her Needs for any couple who wants a stronger marriage.

 

I like his books too. HNHN is awesome.

[Retired]

well I would like to add a reason ;)

 

I grew up in church and everything was about marriage, no sex out of marriage or your going to hell and all that jazz

 

So you lust for someone and confuse it with "love" or you feel guilty for having sex with someone outside of marriage so you marry them but you really are not in love with them- you within a year or so of the marriage that you don't love them but -remember- back in the day a good Christian doesn't divorce - now the Church is more understanding

 

So yeah a couple can be together for 20 years and not really be the love of their life.

 

I have seen this a lot especially in "had to marriage" the Church pushed

 

You as a Christian really try to "learn to love" your spouse you go through the motion and are content but you know in your heart that something is missing

 

SO you hit your 40's and realize that you want what you never had a real chance of experiencing because of church rules, guilt, obligation

 

You fight within your self to not be selfish and split the family its OK not to have they soul attachment of deep love but you really feel alone even within the marriage cause you have never given your heart

 

 

Sometimes through lots of prayer they beg God to give them love for their spouse beyond the love that you have for just being with someone for 20 years - but the heart want the soul attachment

 

So you spend the rest of your life feeling like you missed out and you just keep pretending and playing the part of the devoted Christian spouse, you do the unselfish thing

 

thought I would throw this out there because I have encountered this with so many "Christian" couples.

 

Some decide to "learn to Love" because of the bible and keep their marriage together

 

And then others feel like they have wasted their life in a shallow relationship with no true heart binding intimacy

 

so when they say never love their spouse they mean the heart attachment they "love them" in the same way you do other family member but not that special "marriage bond"

 

I don't have a counceling degree but seem to be one of those folks that people tell all their troubles to;)

[Jennifer3141]

It is possible that he is reframing all of the past 20 years through new lenses.

 

I have a dear friend whose wife just had ANOTHER affair. She has major issues. She now claims all sorts of things from their 25 years of marraige that are simply not true (his neglect, him not caring, and on and on.) He still wants to take her back, yet again, after yet again another affair....but she needs a good "reason" to leave and has re-created history in her mind to justify her actions in her mind.

 

My guess is that your friend's husband is doing the same.

 

Dawn

 

:iagree: It sounds like this to me from just that phrase. Is it also possible that he did love his wife but didn't love what their lives had become and that's it's too hard from him right now to differentiate between the two?

Edited July 11, 2011 by Jennifer3141

[ThatCyndiGirl]

It is possible that he is reframing all of the past 20 years through new lenses.

 

I have a dear friend whose wife just had ANOTHER affair. She has major issues. She now claims all sorts of things from their 25 years of marraige that are simply not true (his neglect, him not caring, and on and on.) He still wants to take her back, yet again, after yet again another affair....but she needs a good "reason" to leave and has re-created history in her mind to justify her actions in her mind.

 

My guess is that your friend's husband is doing the same.

 

Dawn

 

:iagree: This. Totally this. If you are looking for a reason to STAY married you will find it. If you are looking for a reason to LEAVE your marraige, you will find it.

 

We usually find what we are looking for. :001_huh:

[DesertDweller]

:iagree: This. Totally this. If you are looking for a reason to STAY married you will find it. If you are looking for a reason to LEAVE your marraige, you will find it.

 

We usually find what we are looking for. :001_huh:

 

 

How much easier is it for him to have a way out than to say he never loved her. It's a convenient lie so he doesn't look like such a bad guy.

 

Poor thing. He's been stuck in a loveless marriage for twenty years. Him not loving her. So now he can justify his actions.

 

Really? :glare:

 

Only in HIS mind.

[texasmama]

IMO, people experiencing the thrill and feelings involved with a new relationship can easily mistake the feelings involved in a long-term marriage for something other than love.

 

I don't doubt that some people "never loved" their spouse of many years. I think it is more likely in this situation that the husband has confused love with other things. People who are trying to exit a relationship are also capable of lying to themselves as well as others. He may truly believe that he "never loved" his wife. In time, the dust will settle, the new love will crack, and he will most likely remember the wife he had, including the feelings he had for her.

[Tutor]

If this happened to me I'm pretty sure I would not be able to just get on with my life. There would be a lot of time mulling over the whole relationship because I would be wondering what in the world I missed about our relationship along the way. I would have a whole lot of questions and I would be asking all my friends what they thought I did wrong, what I could've done differently, etc. Perhaps none of that would be productive, but it would most certainly be my initial reaction. The moving on part would take a lot of time.

 

Besides distancing himself from his wife in this cruel way, this statement is probably also his way of convincing himself he is doing the right thing by leaving her - maybe even doing her a favor. It is how he can reconcile his conscience with, what he no doubt senses, is unjustiable behavior.

 

:iagree:

[lovelaughs_times_three]

Maybe he found a new infatuation, and is mistaking the feeling of infatuation with true love.

 

I'm quoting this before I've had the chance to read the rest of this thread, so bare with me if I'm off topic now, or repetitive.

 

But :iagree: with Nono but in an opposite direction. It's possible that he has found a new infatuation. That it is making him feel giddy with all kinds of new teenage-like emotions. The kind of silly, euphoric emotions that come easy when you don't know a person's inside and out, you haven't seen all their dark sides yet, and there is still the excitement of something new mixed with the thrill of the risk and danger that comes when a relationship is still untested. When it is still new, you don't have a history to rely on, you never know for sure that they will stay with you and still like you tomorrow. This adds an intensity that is hard to match in a long-term commitment. But this is not love, it is infatuation.

 

Perhaps he is feeling infatuation right now and defining that as love. He has forgotten that he once felt that way for his wife, and can therefore say "I never loved you." What he really means is "I'm not infatuated with you." It is a shallow definition of love that will leave him always unsatisfied, always seeking something new.

 

I believe he truly had love with his wife. I feel sad for her. I feel sorry for him. He is trading something beautiful and eternal for something shiny and temporary.

[WishboneDawn]

If he's leaving her what should she do? When you can't control the situation you have to live with it. If he's leaving her because he never loved her then the sooner she can move on and be happy the better.

 

There was an excellent article I've since lost the link too by a woman whose husband of many years told her very much the same thing as is being discussed here. Her answer, when he asked for a divorce, was no. She said he could have space to sort things out (but he couldn't walk all over her) and she'd be there when he needed her but that she knew him too well and she wasn't going to let him walk out of the marriage.

 

I think it took about a year but he came around and they're still married and quite happy.

 

Sometimes people you love are jerks and you can either cut them off or stand by them. I don't know what kind of person I'd be if my husband did as the man in the article did but I rather hope I'd be like that wife. ETA: That approach may not work for everybody of course, but if the man I know, love and respect now was to have some sort of crisis in the future that might make him tell me he never loved and wanted a divorce I'd know there was something deeply wrong and would hope I wouldn't let him go.

Edited July 11, 2011 by WishboneDawn