How damaging do you think divorce is for children?

[Joanne]

I am a divorced and remarried woman who had three children by a first marriage. My former husband was mentally ill and our life together progressed over time to become a nightmare. I had no choice but to leave him because he was extremely cruel, abusive and unfaithful. We had three sons, and I was doomed with either choice, but I chose to end the marriage to protect the boys and I from an environment of constant abuse.

 

Our sons are now men, and I can tell you how it was for our family as they grew up. Although we had a horrible situation where divorce was justified, it did have an impact on my sons emotionally. They loved and needed their dad, and they loved me desperately as well. What they needed the most -- a loving family -- we were never able to give them. I want to encourage you by this to never consider divorce without taking it all into consideration. The best thing for children is for the parents to come together and make the commitment to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. If that is not possible, and sometimes it isn't, then you have to take another road.

 

Life after divorce with children for us was very hard. Without anyone meaning to or intentionally planning to do so, my children always felt pulled between their parents. They were always perplexed over loyalties to both of us, and they suffered from grief and sorrow over the loss of our family. Even though we had wonderful counseling over a period of years, these hurts were the product of the divorce. In saying all this, I also realize that if their dad and I had stayed together, they would have had other hurts and issues as well. But I would have given anything for them to not have to carry the sorrow of a broken family!

 

Another issue to consider in all of this is finances. The majority of single parent moms end up living in poverty, even if they have child support. Some are fortunate to have good paying careers or an ex-husband who is wealthy and continues to provide well for the mom and kids, but that is not typical. This, and many other issues involving being a single mom, are not fully comprehended until one is actually out there living it. Trust me, being a single parent is the hardest job in the universe. I was a single mom for seven long years and I do know what I'm talking about. Not only do I know from experience, but over the years I was close to a number of other single parents. None of us had an easy life...none of us. So as you consider your options, think about how the children will be provided for. That is crucial to their well being, just as much as the emotional factors.

 

Over the years my former husband and I learned to have what I called a good, working relationship. Forgiveness gradually came, and it became the best that it could be under the circumstances -- yet even so, the scars left from the breakup of our family were very, very deep for our whole family. What I didn't realize at the time of the divorce was that there is a bond between husband, wife and children that lasts a lifetime. When my former dh died just recently, I was amazed at how it affected me. Most of my grief over the loss of our marriage and life together had been worked through many years ago -- and he was a terrible husband -- yet I still grieved over his death. (I still am actually.) We had been divorced for over twenty years, but we had children together and that tie did not go away with the divorce. So considering this, can you imagine how it is for the children? The ties of marriage and family run deep.

 

My divorce attorney was a wise, older man who was a tremendous help. I will never forget something that he said at the start of the proceedings. He said that it takes the exact same skills and commitment to share custody of the kids as it does to stay married. If a couple thinks that they can't parent together in marriage, they should know that it will still be as hard or even harder after divorce.

 

Looking back on my life I know that I'd do it again if faced with the same situation, but I also believe that a couple should do everything humanly possible to stay married. Divorce should be an absolute last option. There are many broken families in our culture that are the result of parents giving up too soon and too easily.

 

I'm not sure if I've truly answered your questions, but I hope that my sharing gives you things to think about. The main points are these: 1. When you marry someone and have children, you will never be rid of that person until death do you part. 2. It's no longer just about you and him because, yes, it does affect the children.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

 

What a heartfelt, beautiful post about a heart-breaking topic. Much of what you posted is my situation. {{hugs}}

[lea1]

I have not read all of the responses but I thought I would add another consideration. When my mom and dad were married, I think she worked part time (a few hours here and there when my dad was home) but was mostly a stay-at-home mom. After their divorce, she had to work full time, which was 8:00am to 6:00pm, 6 days a week. She also did not make much and my dad did not have to pay much child support because he had my three brothers and my mom had me and my sister. We pretty much lived below the poverty line when I was growing up.

 

I think if they had stayed together, with only one household to support, we would have been much better off financially. She also would not have been working so many hours so we would have had someone at home with us when we got out of school and in summers.

 

Just wanted to point out that there is also a financial and quantity of time with kids factor to consider also.

[2_girls_mommy]

Someone else did bring that up too. And yes, that is huge. My mom was a SAHM pre divorce too. After she had to work 2 jobs, so we never saw her, and we kids had to raise each other.

[Jennifer3141]

I think if anyone starts to ask themselves this question, that this is a good time to get a trusted counselor involved in your inner life. It's so hard for those of us on the outside to tell you what to do because we're not your head and your heart.

 

I believe everyone deserves the chance for happiness and if your marriage is making you miserable then yes, your kids will feel that. However, it rips me apart to think of my kids not seeing their father every night.

 

I know kids of divorce who are torn up and I know kids of divorce who are delighted the turmoil is over.

 

I'm sending you a little mental woo though. :grouphug:

[cathmom]

In general, obviously. Loaded question, I know. As opposed to an unhappy marriage of two people who don't like each other and don't talk to each other. Throw in some alcohol dependence as well. Do you still think the comfort of having both parents there is better than separation? Is separation/divorce better/more difficult for a child who's younger/older? Any thoughts?

 

Lisa

 

You have just described my parents' marriage. I was the youngest and on the day of my wedding when I was 23, I thanked my father for staying married because I never had to choose between my parents or live without one of them. They did actually get divorced about 5 years after that.

[cathmom]

Now that I've actually read the thread, I would like to respond to several comments.

 

I also think that it creates a generational pattern to show an example of a marriage to children that is not a real marriage at all.

 

 

 

This was not true in my sister's and my marriages. Our parents did not have a real marriage for most of my childhood. My dh and I have been very happily married for 17 years and we were together for 4 years before we got married. My next older sister had a very happy marriage until her dh died of cancer after nearly 8 years. My other two sisters have never married.

 

Having been *that* child, I can tell you that while my parents might not have liked other much at all while I was a child, I was very close to my dad. Only having him around on weekends, or distracted by another woman or step-kids would have been devastating to me. Having him in the home, present every day was vital. Vital.

 

I agree! "Visiting" my dad would not have been the same and we would not have spent as much time together.

 

But... now when we go to visit it's a battle. Quiet battle over who we stay with, who we see first, who we have the last dinner with. Grandchildren not knowing their grandparents as a couple. It's a lose/lose scenario.

 

Exactly! My parents are divorced now and the ramifications never, ever end.

 

I'm curious of the the long-term ramifications of children (I'm talking girls, in particular here) growing up with that model of marriage.

 

Lisa

 

As I said above, I have a very happy marriage and we've been together for over 20 years. Our marriage is ENTIRELY different than my parents' was.

 

 

I think it is more damaging for children to live in a home with an unhealthy marriage. Children internalize the relationships they see around them - if children grow up in a home where the relationship is unhealthy, with parents who barely talk to each other, it becomes their "normal". They will seek out relationships like that in their adult lives to maintain that sense of "normal".

 

 

 

That was not true with me or with my sister. We had/have very healthy marriages full of love and communication. As a child, I saw my best friend's parents' marriage, which seemed happier than my parent's. I decided that it was because they were both Catholic (my mom was Catholic but my dad was Protestant), and I committed to only marrying someone who shared my faith.

 

Both are inescapably damaging to children.

 

That's a very strong assertion! My parents' bad marriage was not "inescapably damaging" to me.

[Peela]

I think that after the first marriage the kids' well-being should come first before another honey or spouse.

 

I agree, but its easier said than done for adults in grief and turmoil. One thing I learned over the years from my parents break up is that they were just unhappy people trying to be happy- and they weren't mature adults. They just weren't. I agree the kids should come first, but I can see both my parents jumped into new relationships desperately hoping for the love or compatibility they felt was missing with each other. My dad is still married to the woman he went to, 30 years later, but still tells me he needed to put work first in his life, and that he needed to leave mum- the way I feel he says it, he is as selfish now as he was then. I love him anyway, but I do not feel he has learned much about love.

Mum got with an alcoholic. I left home at age 16 to escape the whole situation. Later, she got with a good man who she is still with- too late for me.

 

 

I grew up in a home where the parents stayed together for the kids, and I am glad I did. I didn't really think much about whether my parents were connected and in love when I was little. I knew my mom cried in the bathroom and my dad lived downstairs; I knew they were not "happy," but I didn't have deep thoughts about the implications of this with regards to a happy/fulfilled/functional relationship or not. I just knew my mom cried in the bathroom and my dad lived downstairs. And both of them were THERE. That was what was important to me.

 

Both have remarried and are happy. Neither regrets staying together for the kids.

 

Imo, infidelity is the ultimate "finding your bliss." It's childish escapism. "My marriage isn't fabulous so I'll go find something exciting with someone else." Totally selfish and completely avoidable.

 

Tara

 

I agree to some extent. I see my parents and I wonder why on earth they couldn't have managed a few more years, for the sake of the kids. There was no abuse. Life fell apart dramatically after they separated and I was 13- it was so horrible.

 

But, life is also complicated and complex and times have changed.

I think many of us who have lived through divorce in our childhood try really hard for the sake of the kids- I know i do and it has been a huge motivation to hang in there and keep the marriage not only functional but also alive.

 

But if dh hadn't been as willing, and willing to change his own behaviour...I wouldn't have made it for the sake of the kids. It would have crushed my spirit too much.

 

We live in changing and unique times. Traditional cultures always put family and community first- at the expense of the individual. In many, you dont even choose who you marry. We have swung to the other extreme. I think its a bit like the womens lib movement, where things swung to an extreme before heading towards more balance between the sexes. We have swung to the extreme of people feeling entitled to individual happiness...but they throw the baby out with the bathwater, thinking you can be happy as an individual if you are selfish, or that being selfish is even the way to be be happy. Its not. But I think its part of a process where people learn to honour family and community without sacrificing their personal happiness as well. I think both are possible. No one wants to have the sort of marriage we have all seen where the couple are just quietly hostile and together but there is no spark or love between them any more. Not even for the sake of the kids. But we are not going to get meaningful and alive relationships by only thinking of ourselves, either- if we are not deeply thinking of the impact on our children, chances are we are too self centred to find happiness anyway.

 

There are no glib answers to any of this- I think the answers come from more consciousness, more awareness, more maturity, not black and white pat answers.

[Scarlett]

I agree, but its easier said than done for adults in grief and turmoil. One thing I learned over the years from my parents break up is that they were just unhappy people trying to be happy- and they weren't mature adults. They just weren't. I agree the kids should come first, but I can see both my parents jumped into new relationships desperately hoping for the love or compatibility they felt was missing with each other. My dad is still married to the woman he went to, 30 years later, but still tells me he needed to put work first in his life, and that he needed to leave mum- the way I feel he says it, he is as selfish now as he was then. I love him anyway, but I do not feel he has learned much about love.

Mum got with an alcoholic. I left home at age 16 to escape the whole situation. Later, she got with a good man who she is still with- too late for me.

 

 

 

I agree to some extent. I see my parents and I wonder why on earth they couldn't have managed a few more years, for the sake of the kids. There was no abuse. Life fell apart dramatically after they separated and I was 13- it was so horrible.

 

But, life is also complicated and complex and times have changed.

I think many of us who have lived through divorce in our childhood try really hard for the sake of the kids- I know i do and it has been a huge motivation to hang in there and keep the marriage not only functional but also alive.

 

But if dh hadn't been as willing, and willing to change his own behaviour...I wouldn't have made it for the sake of the kids. It would have crushed my spirit too much.

 

We live in changing and unique times. Traditional cultures always put family and community first- at the expense of the individual. In many, you dont even choose who you marry. We have swung to the other extreme. I think its a bit like the womens lib movement, where things swung to an extreme before heading towards more balance between the sexes. We have swung to the extreme of people feeling entitled to individual happiness...but they throw the baby out with the bathwater, thinking you can be happy as an individual if you are selfish, or that being selfish is even the way to be be happy. Its not. But I think its part of a process where people learn to honour family and community without sacrificing their personal happiness as well. I think both are possible. No one wants to have the sort of marriage we have all seen where the couple are just quietly hostile and together but there is no spark or love between them any more. Not even for the sake of the kids. But we are not going to get meaningful and alive relationships by only thinking of ourselves, either- if we are not deeply thinking of the impact on our children, chances are we are too self centred to find happiness anyway.

 

There are no glib answers to any of this- I think the answers come from more consciousness, more awareness, more maturity, not black and white pat answers.

 

Excellent post Peela!

[Tap]

Every family is too different to stay.

 

My experience with my own parents...I wish they would have divorced and stayed apart. My parents went back and forth, together....not together....but not divorcing. I know my mother dated and had relationships with other men, I don't know if my father did or not. Her relationships outside of their still legal marriage (but separated), cost her a lot of my respect as a teen. At one point, she told me that she only stayed married because of me....that was a heavy weight to put on a child. I think my parents loved each other, there were good years and bad, but I never trusted their relationship after that. I wouldn't have been surprised to come home and find one of them gone at any point.

 

My dad never bashed my mother, but my mother let a few details slip about my dad. Whether on purpose or not, the little bit of into I did hear, made me distrust my father. As an adult, I look back and can see there was wayyyyyy more to the story than I heard and she had a major role in how some events came into play.

 

 

For me, I wish they would have split when things were bad, and stayed apart from the beginning. Having their dirty laundry aired over the course of 12 years as their relationship ebbed and flowed (until my father died) made me distrust them in ways they will never know.

[Scarlett]

Every family is too different to stay.

 

My experience with my own parents...I wish they would have divorced and stayed apart. My parents went back and forth, together....not together....but not divorcing. I know my mother dated and had relationships with other men, I don't know if my father did or not. Her relationships outside of their still legal marriage (but separated), cost her a lot of my respect as a teen. At one point, she told me that she only stayed married because of me....that was a heavy weight to put on a child. I think my parents loved each other, there were good years and bad, but I never trusted their relationship after that. I wouldn't have been surprised to come home and find one of them gone at any point.

 

My dad never bashed my mother, but my mother let a few details slip about my dad. Whether on purpose or not, the little bit of into I did hear, made me distrust my father. As an adult, I look back and can see there was wayyyyyy more to the story than I heard and she had a major role in how some events came into play.

 

 

For me, I wish they would have split when things were bad, and stayed apart from the beginning. Having their dirty laundry aired over the course of 12 years as their relationship ebbed and flowed (until my father died) made me distrust them in ways they will never know.

 

That is very sad. :( I doubt they would have done much better by you as divorced parents.

 

It is hard. It is hard to be divorced and find the line between Truth and Bashing.

[LizzyBee]

And if you divorce and your spouse gets regular unsupervised visitation as is most likely to happen in many states, your child might have far more alone time with with your former spouse and be in far greater danger.

 

Leaving to protect the children sometimes doesn't work. I've been away from my ex for 5 years now and to this day this is my greatest fear. When I was with him, I actually could be there almost all the time. Certainly more than if he got every other weekend or a day a week, or more, of unsupervised visitation.

 

:iagree: I have an ex-bil who is a violent, dangerous man with a criminal record. He got unsupervised visitation. He and my sister had to meet at the police station to exchange their daughter, and several times, he was nearly arrested for disturbing the peace. But he still got to take his daughter with him. When the court forced my sister to give him her address, he went to her home and assaulted her bf with a tire iron while my niece watched and screamed. While awaiting trial and after finishing weekend jail, he still got unsupervised visitation. After molesting my niece, he continued to get unsupervised visitation, along with an order that he was not to sleep in the same bed as her. After his son from another relationship threatened to kill my niece, ex-bil still had unsupervised visitation. When she was 16 and he beat her, she got on a greyhound bus and went into hiding. But hey, it's all about the best interests of the kids (referring to family court judges, not divorce). :glare:

 

BTW, divorce may not be an effective means to protect your children, but if my sister had stayed married to that man, I'm pretty sure that one of them would have ended up dead, probably her because he is so much bigger than her that she really couldn't defend herself. She had no good choices. And my niece obviously was damaged by the divorce, but she would have been damaged if they had stayed married, too.

Edited July 12, 2011 by LizzyBee

[Scarlett]

:iagree: I have an ex-bil who is a violent, dangerous man with a criminal record. He got unsupervised visitation. He and my sister had to meet at the police station to exchange their daughter, and several times, he was nearly arrested for disturbing the peace. But he still got to take his daughter with him. When the court forced my sister to give him her address, he went to her home and assaulted her bf with a tire iron while my niece watched and screamed. While awaiting trial and after finishing weekend jail, he still got unsupervised visitation. After molesting my niece, he continued to get unsupervised visitation, along with an order that he was not to sleep in the same bed as her. After his son from another relationship threatened to kill my niece, ex-bil still had unsupervised visitation. When she was 16 and he beat her, she got on a greyhound bus and went into hiding. But hey, it's all about the best interests of the kids (referring to family court judges, not divorce). :glare:

 

BTW, divorce may not be an effective means to protect your children, but if my sister had stayed married to that man, I'm pretty sure that one of them would have ended up dead. She had no good choices. And my niece obviously was damaged by the divorce, but she would have been damaged if they had stayed married, too.

 

Ugh. Unfortunately, this story is not uncommon. Poor girl.

[kalanamak]

My reply to the portion in red is that any two people who can do that should have been able to save their marriage.

.

 

It takes two to tango, and only one needs to walk out. Should have is well and nice, but in some sense being dumped by or leaving a jerk has a certain "relief" in it being left by an intelligent, handsome, educated, charming, funny man who doesn't even run off with someone else doesn't.

 

Aside from being sorry I ever married him, I next rue the 6 years I tried and tried to get him to try, but the weeks of silence turned into months. I'm really sorry I didn't say "let me get you your bag" the first time he brought it up.

 

One of the things I "share" with my current husband is that we both lay in bed next to silent, beloved spouses and asked, night after night, what was "wrong", and neither of us were ever answered.

[EJCMom]

I was 17 and a senior in high school when my parents divorced. It was never a happy marriage, and my dad had/has a problem with alcohol. Whether or not he would have been/would be considered a full-blown alcoholic is probably a matter of debate. Anyway...

What I wish is that they had worked harder at resolving their differences and building a happy marriage. I didn't enjoy the angry atmosphere, but divorce didn't just magically make things easier. In many ways it made things harder on me. So, it while it did solve the problem of tension in the home, it also created a whole new set of problems.

 

I've been married for seven years and have a happy marriage. The example that they provided was a great example of what not to do, and I learned early on that a happy marriage is something that sometimes takes some work.

[Audrey]

In general, obviously. Loaded question, I know. As opposed to an unhappy marriage of two people who don't like each other and don't talk to each other. Throw in some alcohol dependence as well. Do you still think the comfort of having both parents there is better than separation? Is separation/divorce better/more difficult for a child who's younger/older? Any thoughts?

 

Lisa

 

Well, divorce is not in my realm of experience at all. My parents were married -- until death did they part. The same is true of my dh. There are no divorces on my side of the family, even among cousins. My dh's sister did divorce a few years ago, but her kids were all grown and married themselves.

 

So... I cannot speak from any experience other than what I've witnessed around me from friends. Growing up, I had many friends whose parents divorced. In all but one case, my friends went through emotional hell. It truly hurt them in ways I couldn't possibly understand.

 

As an adult, I've seen friends divorce and the kids always seem to be either right in the firing line or completely left out of everything. Their pain is palpable.

 

But... I don't know if it's better to stay together or not. I don't think that anyone can say one is better or not -- even in general because no two marriages are alike, and you really cannot generalize the intricate, intimate and unique dance that is a marriage.

 

All I can say is that I wouldn't wish divorce on any kid, any where, at any time, but I also wouldn't wish a household of misery on them either.

 

If you are talking about yourself, personally, I am very sorry you even have to think about this. Please take care of yourself in this as well as your kids. Seek some support, counseling, or something like that for yourself. Whatever decision you need to make, it will be much easier if you have a support system. :grouphug:

Edited July 12, 2011 by Audrey

[Scarlett]

It takes two to tango, and only one needs to walk out. Should have is well and nice, but in some sense being dumped by or leaving a jerk has a certain "relief" in it being left by an intelligent, handsome, educated, charming, funny man who doesn't even run off with someone else doesn't.

 

Aside from being sorry I ever married him, I next rue the 6 years I tried and tried to get him to try, but the weeks of silence turned into months. I'm really sorry I didn't say "let me get you your bag" the first time he brought it up.

 

One of the things I "share" with my current husband is that we both lay in bed next to silent, beloved spouses and asked, night after night, what was "wrong", and neither of us were ever answered.

 

Oh I totally agree that it takes two to make a marriage work, but only one to destroy it. It is a myth that in every divorce two people are to blame.

 

One of my biggest regrets is not leaving my XH sooner. That may sound contrary to what I've been espousing here, but honestly, I spent 26 years trying everything and believing lies I shouldn't have believed. There was a point, 7 years before I actually divorced him, where I wish I had divorced him.

 

Adultery is still never the answer. It only muddies the water and makes everything worse.

[Plucky]

Well, divorce is not in my realm of experience at all. My parents were married -- until death did they part. The same is true of my dh. There are no divorces on my side of the family, even among cousins. My dh's sister did divorce a few years ago, but her kids were all grown and married themselves.

 

So... I cannot speak from any experience other than what I've witnessed around me from friends. Growing up, I had many friends whose parents divorced. In all but one case, my friends went through emotional hell. It truly hurt them in ways I couldn't possibly understand.

 

As an adult, I've seen friends divorce and the kids always seem to be either right in the firing line or completely left out of everything. Their pain is palpable.

 

But... I don't know if it's better to stay together or not. I don't think that anyone can say one is better or not -- even in general because no two marriages are alike, and you really cannot generalize the intricate, intimate and unique dance that is a marriage.

 

All I can say is that I wouldn't wish divorce on any kid, any where, at any time, but I also wouldn't wish a household of misery on them either.

 

:iagree: I hate divorce. I went through many with my parents and they really rocked my world. I don't know any different though. What if she'd stayed with one of the losers? My life could have been worse. It's really hard to know. :confused:

[Haiku]

I think it is more damaging for children to live in a home with an unhealthy marriage. Children internalize the relationships they see around them - if children grow up in a home where the relationship is unhealthy, with parents who barely talk to each other, it becomes their "normal". They will seek out relationships like that in their adult lives to maintain that sense of "normal".

 

I don't think that's true in every, most, or even many cases. I knew my parents weren't happily married. I knew that their marriage wasn't "normal." I had friends whose parents spoke to one another, and I had friends where the dad didn't live in the basement. My dh and I speak to each other all the time, and he certainly doesn't live in the basement. My sister (bio) is married and happy. My sister (adopted, also a child of divorce) is extremely happily married. None of us learned that less-than-perfect marriages were what we should strive to recreate.

 

My parents also didn't "never" speak to one another. They went through good and bad stretches, with the bad becoming more frequent as I grew older. Eventually the bad won out and my mom left. I don't see moms leaving as normal and won't seek to do that to create a sense of normal. (And just to clarify ... my mom didn't run out on me ... I was 16 and she asked me where I wanted to live. I chose to stay in the house I had grown up in. I didn't chose my dad over her; I chose my house over an apartment.)

 

Tara

[Haiku]

I didn't enjoy the angry atmosphere, but divorce didn't just magically make things easier. In many ways it made things harder on me. So, it while it did solve the problem of tension in the home, it also created a whole new set of problems.

 

 

Extremely well said. For me, my parents' divorce exchanged one set of problems for another.

 

Tara

[Joanne]

Extremely well said. For me, my parents' divorce exchanged one set of problems for another.

 

Tara

 

 

It often does. As I said early in the thread, in the case of a bad marriage, both leaving and staying stink.

 

There is not a formula answer, an always right answer, or a simplified one.

 

My life, in many ways, has been "harder" since the divorce. It was a trade I had to make for reasons that I rarely articulate.

[HSMom2One]

What a heartfelt, beautiful post about a heart-breaking topic. Much of what you posted is my situation. {{hugs}}

 

Thank you, Joanne. {{hugs back}}

 

One other thing came to mind today after I wrote my other post, and I think it's important. There is always a waxing and waning of emotions during any long-term relationship. It's absolutely natural for feelings of love to go through seasons of intensity then wither down to what seems on the surface to be non-existent. These are our emotions that are constantly changing, and we cannot define love by the presence or the absence of those romantic feelings we had in the beginning. Many, many couples that don't understand this often just give up because they've "lost that lovin'" feeling. The drudgery of day-to-day life can get boring, especially when raising a family. Combine this with a dry spell emotionally, and it can spell disaster for some couples. This is where a big danger lies because there is a lack of understanding of what is really happening. It's important to learn that we cannot trust our emotions because they change so often.

 

I discovered through counseling long ago that sometimes the definition of love in marriage is "commitment". When you hold on to commitment through the seasons of dry emotions, you are still there in the marriage when the fire starts to burn again. This is how couples who have stayed together over the years make it. I doubt that many marriages have a constant flow of romance over long periods of time.

 

The reason I think this is important is because, like I said before, many divorces don't HAVE to happen. Children in these situations end up torn and hurt needlessly. Now I don't know if the op's situation is anything like what I'm saying here, but it's worth bringing up. I know that my own sister regrets to this day that she chose to leave her first husband. She beats herself up all of the time because she made that decision years and years ago. By the time she could finally admit that she was still in love with her ex, they had both remarried and could never go back.

 

Most marriages aren't perfect, and many of them should never have happened in the first place. There are no easy, black and white answers. I think we should all be reminded to train our children to the best of our ability to make wise choices in who they choose to marry. I wish I'd had better guidance when I was young. It just may have saved a lot of heart ache for a lot of people.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I wish my parents had divorced long before they actually did. I did not enjoy living in that atmosphere.

 

 

I think that people who are rabidly "anti-divorce at all costs" do not consider the damage that is done to kids who live in highly toxic environments. Modeling bad relationship is worse than divorce, imo. We need to model healthy relationships, with our children and with our SOs. If they see us endure something truly terrible it models that same behaviour for them later on.

 

I also think that some people set up a false equivilancy. (Staying=virtue or that leaving=bad.)

[Scarlett]

I think that people who are rabidly "anti-divorce at all costs" do not consider the damage that is done to kids who live in highly toxic environments. Modeling bad relationship is worse than divorce, imo. We need to model healthy relationships, with our children and with our SOs. If they see us endure something truly terrible it models that same behaviour for them later on.

 

I also think that some people set up a false equivilancy. (Staying=virtue or that leaving=bad.)

 

Yep. I agree. I wish I had left sooner, although many would not agree.

 

I have a friend now going through it with 3 small children and on paper they look so 'normal'. They aren't. It is pure torture. She has left him and is terrified but feeling she did the right thing.

[Parker Martin]

I wish my parents had not divorced.

[Guest submarines]

I think that people who are rabidly "anti-divorce at all costs" do not consider the damage that is done to kids who live in highly toxic environments. Modeling bad relationship is worse than divorce, imo. We need to model healthy relationships, with our children and with our SOs. If they see us endure something truly terrible it models that same behaviour for them later on.

 

I also think that some people set up a false equivilancy. (Staying=virtue or that leaving=bad.)

 

Modelling trying to make the best out of a not so perfect relationship is not the end of the world as long as there's no abuse. I believe personality differences have a much stronger effect on how a child will deal with his or her marriage when he/she grows up.

 

DH and his brother are very close (as in close friends), and only 1 year apart. Their parents stayed together in in unhappy, but not abusive marriage. DH and his brother are complete opposites in their relationship patterns, even if they were modelled the same unhappy marriage. There's much more to how one's ends up living his or her life, than just their parents' marriage.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Modelling trying to make the best out of a not so perfect relationship is not the end of the world as long as there's no abuse. I believe personality differences have a much stronger effect on how a child will deal with his or her marriage when he/she grows up.

 

DH and his brother are very close (as in close friends), and only 1 year apart. Their parents stayed together in in unhappy, but not abusive marriage. DH and his brother are complete opposites in their relationship patterns, even if they were modelled the same unhappy marriage. There's much more to how one's ends up living his or her life, than just their parents' marriage.

 

I didn't mean "just unhappy", I meant and wrote "something truly terrible", like verbal abuse, etc.

 

One persons's "truly terrible" is another's "just unhappy", though. While I know that some people will grow up saying that they were glad that their parents stayed married despite being miserable, but it always surprises me that adults wouldn't want their own parents to be happy? Why stay together in misery? Again, I am talking about terrible/misery, etc. NOT 'eh, it could be better but it's okay'. Lots of grey here, I guess. :001_huh:

[Scarlett]

Modelling trying to make the best out of a not so perfect relationship is not the end of the world as long as there's no abuse. I believe personality differences have a much stronger effect on how a child will deal with his or her marriage when he/she grows up.

 

DH and his brother are very close (as in close friends), and only 1 year apart. Their parents stayed together in in unhappy, but not abusive marriage. DH and his brother are complete opposites in their relationship patterns, even if they were modelled the same unhappy marriage. There's much more to how one's ends up living his or her life, than just their parents' marriage.

 

THIS I agree with. Which is what I tried to do. I think it could have worked. I found happiness in that situation....but XH couldn't do that without having affairs. That was the deal breaker.

[redsquirrel]

I don't think it's the end of the world. I know far more people from divorced families who are happy and healthy and fine with the world. Might they be a little bit sad about it? Maybe some are, but it's not a big deal. Everyone's life has challenges and disappointments.

 

I for one was totally relieved when my parents divorced. We could all see that one coming.

[elfgivas]

sometimes there are no good choices left.

the trick is to find the least bad choice.....

...and mostly, only those in the situation with some councelling help can choose that.

 

:grouphug:

ann

[Scarlett]

I don't think it's the end of the world. I know far more people from divorced families who are happy and healthy and fine with the world. Might they be a little bit sad about it? Maybe some are, but it's not a big deal. Everyone's life has challenges and disappointments.

 

I for one was totally relieved when my parents divorced. We could all see that one coming.

 

I think ds11 is more than just 'a little sad about it'. 2 1/2 years later he still tells me he wishes it was all back like it was. He went on a long weekend with his dad recently and told me he wished I could go too. But I had not choice. I was backed into a corner by adultery.

[Audrey]

..

Edited October 29, 2011 by Audrey
irrelevant at this point

[Laura Corin]

In between there is lots and lots of grey with no definitive answer.

 

My parents, as far as we children could see, had a good marriage. They divorced when my father found someone else. The divorce was very civilised - we never saw our parents arguing and I carried on seeing my father regularly. I was eleven when they split; my brothers were sixteen and eighteen. Of the three of us, I was perhaps the least damaged. I don't know if that's age or personality. All three of us are functioning members of society, and two out of the three have strong marriages.

 

One never stops being the child of divorced parents. My father is now dead, having been married to his second wife for longer than to my mother. This summer I was (again) forced to have a painful conversation with my mother about where my loyalties lay. It is thirty-seven years since I was eleven.

 

Laura

Edited October 29, 2011 by Laura Corin

[shinyhappypeople]

/

[jjins]

there are a couple of things to consider.

 

I believe that one people often skip is children's perception of a marriage and of a healthy marriage. Of how they should treat or be treated.

 

Clearly, there are times when the marriage is not only unhealthy for the children it is immediately physically and emotionally unhealthy. However, there are also times where the marriage has no CLEAR immediate risks to the children, but the long term risks can be terrible.

 

I have two different friends whose parents stayed married "for the children". One set is still married and the other now is divorced and remarried. In both cases, the children from these marriages are very confused not only about what a marriage should be, but communication outside their marriage too.

 

I believe that we should try hard to make our marriages work. Our society dumps rough relationships quickly. It seems that some of these could be worked on. BUT... I strongly believe that one of the things you MUST take into consideration is would the adults in the relationships want THEIR children in the same type relationship. I have asked people "would you want your daughter to be married in a relationship like yours and your wife's?" If the answer is no than the situation is one that needs repair! Either by working towards a better marriage or by ending it.

 

I also have asked, "do you honestly believe that you and your children would be better off without the marriage?" This is a hard question to answer for an outsider, no matter how well you know the relationship.

 

This call is tough. Marriage is rough. Bad marriages are rougher. My parents divorced when I was 9, the oldest child. I actually felt like my mom was taking care of us when she left my dad (okay told him to leave). I later learned it was mostly about his having Tea with her best friend on the kitchen table when my mom came home from work. yes, Tea, not tea. This was the final straw to a long line of infidelity. Not sure if that would have been enough alone or if he needed to be the abusive husband and father too. However, the feeling of "you left dad to protect us" was one that stayed around for a long time.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

I guess it depends on how things are handled....if the kids know that both parents still love them and don't make it an ugly divorce things might be ok......

[mommymilkies]

I wish my parents had divorced long before they actually did. I did not enjoy living in that atmosphere.

 

:iagree:

[Starr]

This really is an old thread from July.