EmmaNZ Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 So I've been pondering this one for a while and thought I'd see what others here think. A bit of background: I am a fully qualified medical doctor. After working for a few years I got pregnant (planned) and initially intended to go back part time after the baby was born. 7 years and 4 children later I have yet to return. I am happy at home, content to be with my children and raise them the best I can, and at the moment that includes homeschooling the eldest. I am regularly confronted with the suggestion that I should go back to work "because it's such a waste after all those years of training". Now, I don't feel like I have wasted anything. I feel like I am well-qualified to go back into any field of work, medical or otherwise, when the time is right. I do not feel I am wasting my life staying home with my children. In fact I feel privileged to be in a position where I can make this choice freely. So what should I say to all these people? Can they possibly have a point? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kht2006 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Children are a blessing. I'm blessed to stay home with my children. I know that the right opportunity will present itself at the right time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Tell them to mind their own business. If you and dh are happy,and your kids are happy.....be happy! Everyone has something to say. If you go back to work, guaranteed, someone will ask you if you miss your kids and don't you think you should be home with them? Do what you think is best. Enjoy your little ones, Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamajudy Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Tell them exactly what you said here. You know what's best for you and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 It's a loaded question, and one you're probably best leaving at "We're doing what's best for our family right now." You aren't obligated to defend your choices. I'll admit that I shy away from detailed discussions about homeschooling with my baby's GI doctor. She seems so intrigued by the whole thing (she has a young daughter), and all I can think is "You can't quit and stay home. You're the only dr. I've ever felt this comfortable with!" ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I truly believe that. Even if you never go back to work, I'm sure that your knowledge benefits your family at times and that your study habits and diligence in your studies before children will benefit your ability to effectively homeschool your own children. My college studies took over ten years total, and have definitely contributed to our success as a homeschool family. For me, part-time work did present itself when my oldest was a toddler (I'm an adjunct professor among other things), but I still would have had no regrets either way. If you go back to paid employment, how lovely it would be if you could choose that, not feel obligated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I definitely do not think your education and training is a waste. My response to people would be that a person can have it all, just not all at the same time. Right now is your time to focus on your family. The investment in that time is priceless. When they are older or grown you will have time to use all that training. I have two teenagers and I am so happy that I have made the investment in them. They both have issues that we need to work on but they are great kids. This week and next they are both volunteering at a horse ranch for children with disabilities. They are working so hard but having a blast. Hope you come up with a great response! God Bless, Elise in NC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I'll admit that I shy away from detailed discussions about homeschooling with my baby's GI doctor. She seems so intrigued by the whole thing (she has a young daughter), and all I can think is "You can't quit and stay home. You're the only dr. I've ever felt this comfortable with!" ;) We go to a larger dental practice and like all of the dentists there, but our favorite works part-time and has a preschooler that she is planning to homeschool. She always asks a lot of questions including questions about balancing homeschooling and working (which I do), and I hope that she can work out to still be around for us too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 This is my first year of not homeschooling for many years. I am 44. I am beginning to look at what I want to do now- my teenagers are busy and moving forward and I have time on my hands- things are opening up for me. I feel I have many, many good years ahead of me to move into the world and make a difference. Meanwhile, I am SOOOOOOO glad I took the time to homeschool my kids and be with them. There are no regrets! I think there is plenty of time after kids to use your degree. The problem with our culture is that it tells us women that we can have and do it all. Well, in a way we can, but not all at the same time! What are we trying to prove, who are we trying to impress? What you are doing is great- trust it. You know it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 The simple answer is that your training is NOT wasted - far from it! Your medical knowledge certainly won't go amiss when looking after children! I'll wager you've already saved yourself - and also maybe your family and friends - time and money by being able to identify what situations really need to be taken to a doctor, and what can be treated at home. (But it never ceases to amaze me how some people have the mental energy to have unprompted opinions about everyone else's lives, the firmness of which is often inversely proportional to how much they know about you.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I feel I have many, many good years ahead of me to move into the world and make a difference...I think there is plenty of time after kids to use your degree. :iagree::iagree::iagree: My grandma lived to be 99. God willing, I should have plenty of time after my kids get to be older & more independent to resume my career (at least on a part-time basis). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 It is never a waste to meet the needs of your family. If it is best for you to stay home, then you should be home. If it is best to work full time. If it is best for you to work part time then you should do that. There are many factors: your dc's needs, your financial needs, your emotional needs (some people need the career interaction/some people are over stressed by doing both), and more. It is a very personal decision. I have 8 years of higher education and graduate degrees. I don't think my education was wasted on my dc. I knew a doctor a few years ago who landed a part time job she loved. She worked 6 hours one evening a week, running the adolescent clinic at an HMO. She loved it--she was a specialist in adolescent care, I think the HMO set it up for her because she really wanted to quit or be very part time and they found a place for her. Sometimes when something is really great and fits you well you take it. But I don't think you should take a job just because you have the education for it. That won't make you happy. That won't help your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woodsia Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Education is never a waste. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murmer Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 It is a waste of my education to let someone else teach and care for my children so I can care for yours. This is what I say when people say I wasted my intelligence to become a stay at home mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom0012 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 My cousin is in the same position. She just finished her medical degree and has been practicing for maybe a year. She is now pregnant with twins and plans to return to work 6 weeks after they are born. I don't see it happening. I have always wondered why she sought out a medical degree when she desperately wanted children and I'm going to be shocked if she doesn't decide to stay at home with them. It does seem difficult to think that she spent all those years moving toward that goal only to practice for a year. It's something I've thought about many times over the years while she was in school. I don't think it is a waste, though. She can always go back and practice later if she doesn't now and when I really think about it, what else would she have been doing in her life? After I finished my degree, I spent the rest of my 20s working in jobs that I hated. It would have been much more pleasant to have spent that time studying something I was interested in and moving towards a goal. The only thing that would really bother me is if I had tons of student loans hanging over me because of all those years of education. Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I think you are gaining valuable experience which will make you a better doctor if/when you return to practicing medicine. It's a mixture of science and art, and I think you'll serve your future patients better by being more fully developed as a person (the arts side). :) I wouldn't give it another thought! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 You are not wasting your time. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I don't think it's a waste at all. Children grow up and become more independent. They grow up and move out. And you will still have a long bit of life in front of you. Maybe you are just taking several years to raise your family right now, and will enter the next phase when the time is right. Life is pretty long. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I am 36 and had worked as an engineer until dd was born. I am staying home with her now. My SIL asks every few months if I miss working. She just can't believe that I am happy to stay home with dd. She has chosen a career and her dh has stayed home with their kid. She just can't understand how I could give it all up. I hope at this point not to have to go back to work. I will be 54 when dd is 18 and that assumes that we don't have any more come along. Stuff like that isn't about you, it is about them. I have a wonderful time with my dd and can't think of anything else I would rather be doing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwickimom Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Not at all!!! My mom was an RN for 2 years before she had me.,..and then 6 more kids. She never went back but her nursing knowledge has led her to help many people. She lives in a very poor community and so she rides with people to their doc appts, redresses wounds, etc...they all call her if they have any medical issues...she has helped a few people with hospice and been there for these people as their loved ones died. She has taken care of so many people that have bare minimum medical care and done more than the hospitals or nurses can because she knows these people and lives amoung them. The closest hospital is 30 mins away. She believes this is what God had planned for her to do and why her years of college to become an RN are not wasted a single bit. I litereally dont know what any of these people would do without her. She is giving them all a better quality of life :) I think your medical knowledge is a blessing no matter where you are using it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I know a wonderful lady here who is also an MD and currently raising four children. She is blessing the hs community here with her wonderful physical science classes (she also got a chemical engineering degree before becoming an MD). I LOVE that she is taking the time to raise and hs her children, and that she can still find the time to share her vast knowledge with a community of kids who need more/better science teachers! I agree with you that you are perfectly well set to continue your career when and how you see fit. I don't think taking time for yourself and family, or seeing that your children get a good, solid education is ever a waste of time! No, I don't think what you're doing is a "waste," in any sense of the word. Many people receive graduate level degrees and don't really use that knowledge or training in the work they do (and don't necessarily even work). Why are you obligated to serve as an MD simply because someone else thinks you must? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamajudy Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Education is never a waste. :) :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mary in VA Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Education is never a waste. :) :iagree: I was worried about what my mom would say when I told her I was going to be staying home with my oldest. I was an attorney on active duty in the Air Force. She said, "Education is NEVER a waste!" I have never regret staying home with my dds and I have never regret the time I spent in law school. The education has been an insurance policy in my back pocket all these years. It gave me peace of mind that if anything should have happened to my husband I could provide for the family. I did stay in the reserves and retired from them. I am now almost at the end of my homeschooling journey, only one left at home for two more years and one at college for one more year!! Time flew! And now I'm trying to figure out what God wants me to do with the next part of my life, and I don't think it's legally related :001_smile: But who knows what you can do with your medical training in the future if you want to, or not. It's all up to you, but education is Never wasted!!! Mary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AvasMom Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 My cousin is in the same position. She just finished her medical degree and has been practicing for maybe a year. She is now pregnant with twins and plans to return to work 6 weeks after they are born. I don't see it happening. I have always wondered why she sought out a medical degree when she desperately wanted children and I'm going to be shocked if she doesn't decide to stay at home with them. It does seem difficult to think that she spent all those years moving toward that goal only to practice for a year. It's something I've thought about many times over the years while she was in school. I don't think it is a waste, though. She can always go back and practice later if she doesn't now and when I really think about it, what else would she have been doing in her life? After I finished my degree, I spent the rest of my 20s working in jobs that I hated. It would have been much more pleasant to have spent that time studying something I was interested in and moving towards a goal. The only thing that would really bother me is if I had tons of student loans hanging over me because of all those years of education. Lisa That's my current concern. I'm an RN, just finished my BSN, got a great job at Johns Hopkins, and left because ds was so far behind in reading. Now I want to keep homeschooling and maybe even have a couple more kids. It is TOUGH to go from the Hopkins pace of life to being a SAHM again. I just ended up being really picky about our house, my kids' education, etc as an out to that type A side that so enjoyed Hopkins. I'm sure med school and residency taught you a lot about work ethic, attention to detail, ambition, etc. That alone is definitely useful in homeschooling! My concern is student loans though. I have a lot and no idea how they're going to get paid. :/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennyD Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 (edited) This doesn't by any chance have anything to do with that Op-Ed in last week's NYT, by the older woman anesthesiologist who was arguing that female doctors who go part-time are letting down the profession? In any event, I have a J.D/Ph.D and I get this same thing all the time. Along with the charming corollary, "Wouldn't your spot at X program/school/whatever have better gone to someone else who would have used it?" A few thoughts: (1) You are getting this question not because you are doing something non-medical but rather that you are doing traditionally female work for which you are not receiving a paycheck. If you were doing something else equally unrelated to medicine -- say, trading derivatives at Goldman Sachs -- nobody would dream of asking whether you were wasting your medical degree. . (2) Children need to be taken care of, and they need to be educated. Somebody, or somebodies, has to do this. So the question then becomes, who should do this work? Should it be the exclusive province of people who don't have other options -- the uneducated, the undocumented, the unlucky? If no, then how much education is too much for people who take care of children? Is a high school degree too much? What about college? Is that too much? Or is the postgraduate level at which one becomes 'overqualified' to tend to other people? Alternatively, maybe this is just basic human work, and *nobody* is wasting anything by doing it. (3) There is no pleasing everyone. If you did continue your medical practice and you and your husband arranged for other care for your children, plenty of criticism would still come your way, possibly even from the same people. (Your husband, of course, is free to do as he likes without any such judgments.) You're ****ed if you do, and ****ed if you don't, so you might as well do what makes you and your family happy. Edited June 23, 2011 by JennyD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmmaNZ Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 Thank you all for your thoughtful comments. Many of them resonate with me. This doesn't by any chance have anything to do with that Op-Ed in last week's NYT, by the older woman anesthesiologist who was arguing that female doctors who go part-time are letting down the profession? I didn't see the article, but this is not an uncommon feeling amongst the medical profession. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeghanL Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Thrown Away Here is a blog post I wrote a while ago about this very subject! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 No way...you can go back when your ready. People should really keep their opinions to themselves. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I have a degree and was a teacher for 15 years. Is it a waste that I'm not still out teaching other people's children? Taking care of and teaching your own children is not a waste. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twoforjoy Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I am regularly confronted with the suggestion that I should go back to work "because it's such a waste after all those years of training". Now, I don't feel like I have wasted anything. I feel like I am well-qualified to go back into any field of work, medical or otherwise, when the time is right. I do not feel I am wasting my life staying home with my children. In fact I feel privileged to be in a position where I can make this choice freely. I'd say you can just tell them that, if you feel like you have to say something. I look at my student loan debt sometimes and wonder why the heck I racked that up if I'm just going to be home most of the time. But I figure that, when the time is right for us, I'll look for full-time work using my degree. Even if I didn't start working until the youngest was 18 (at which point I'd be 51), assuming I worked until 65, that would still be 14 years of full-time work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 How many doctors save other people's lives, but lose their own? Live your life. Lara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Read Radical Homemakers. "Imagine women with masters degrees and PhDs who choose home over career advancement. Imagine wives (and husbands) who reject the false promise of endless paid labor to tend gardens and children and friendships. In a time when Wall Street MBAs-producing nothing of value but rewarded with million-dollar bonuses and blinded by greed-have driven our country to bankruptcy and despair, Shannon Hayes' stories of women and men who choose simplicity, authenticity and community inspire hope. Outside the boxes of both conservatives and liberals, this book is radical thinking at its best. Read it and think."-John de Graaf, coauthor of Affluenza and director of Take Back Your Time Here's the blog Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelion Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 It's definitely not a waste. And it's really no one's business. I agree that the "we're doing what's best for our family right now" response is best (should you choose to respond at all). Having said that, I certainly get why people would wonder about it, simply because I've struggled a bit with this very issue. I've invested a lot in my education (have an M.B.A.) and left a fantastic, high-paying career to stay home and homeschool. I loved my job, looked forward to going to work every day, and was on the fast track. My colleagues still don't understand why I left. And honestly, part of me really misses working. I'm not second-guessing my choice, because I can clearly see it was the right thing to do. My kids, DH and I have all benefited immensely from that decision. I love that I get to stay home with my kids. But I miss the personal satisfaction I got from working (which is why I've started up a part-time business and am slowly developing it - but that's for another thread). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kipling Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 "The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only - and that is to support the ultimate career. " — C.S. Lewis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HistoryMom Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I have 8 years of higher education and graduate degrees. I don't think my education was wasted on my dc. This is my situation as well. A few thoughts: (1) You are getting this question not because you are doing something non-medical but rather that you are doing traditionally female work for which you are not receiving a paycheck. If you were doing something else equally unrelated to medicine -- say, trading derivatives at Goldman Sachs -- nobody would dream of asking whether you were wasting your medical degree. . (2) Children need to be taken care of, and they need to be educated. Somebody, or somebodies, has to do this. So the question then becomes, who should do this work? Should it be the exclusive province of people who don't have other options -- the uneducated, the undocumented, the unlucky? If no, then how much education is too much for people who take care of children? Is a high school degree too much? What about college? Is that too much? Or is the postgraduate level at which one becomes 'overqualified' to tend to other people? Alternatively, maybe this is just basic human work, and *nobody* is wasting anything by doing it. (3) There is no pleasing everyone. If you did continue your medical practice and you and your husband arranged for other care for your children, plenty of criticism would still come your way, possibly even from the same people. (Your husband, of course, is free to do as he likes without any such judgments.) You're ****ed if you do, and ****ed if you don't, so you might as well do what makes you and your family happy. JennyD, you are a genius. Wonderful insight. Number 2 especially resonates with me. My sister told me just recently that she thought I was over-qualified to teach my daughter because she's just in elementary school. Well, no. I'm exactly the right amount of qualified to teach my children about critical thinking, problem-solving, the fun of learning, and the excitement of discovery. [That being said, the academic degrees aren't necessary for HSing success, but they are helpful for things like writing and research skills, content knowledge, knowing about specific resources, and guiding them as they advance.] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Some twenty years ago, my ob said the same thing to me. She was on part-time duty and got those comments all the time. She had three children at the time. It's your life! No, they do not have a point because you are the architect of your life - you design it and you enjoy it the way it is. As the mother of a twenty year old son, let me tell you there is plenty of time to go back into the workforce - but there is only one time when the kiddos are young! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Amen! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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