What are funerals like in your church?

[Veritaserum]

I read a blog post today about some of the frustrations people in my religion have with how our funerals are run. Specifically, the funeral always includes some kind of missionary message. My grandma passed away in March and the first half of her funeral was beautiful. It was a touching tribute to her life and the remarks included ample references to her deep faith in God.

 

Then two members of the clergy took turns speaking. They didn't talk about her. They talked about religious topics. It could have been any sermon or Sunday school lesson. I know they meant well, but it was just horrible to have such a personal event be turned into something generic. The remarks were meant to remind us that she is with God now and happy, etc., but I did not find them to be comforting in my time of grief. Other members of my family (members of the same church or not) felt the same way. :(

 

When dh gets home I'm going to tell him that I want my funeral to be held somewhere other than our church so that my family doesn't have to endure a sermon while they are grieving.

 

It makes me wonder, though, if other churches have similar customs (sermon, proselytizing, etc.) at their funerals.

 

ETA: I guess I should clarify that the church basically has a rule that a missionary-type message given by clergy must be part of any funeral service held in the church building.

Edited June 1, 2011 by Veritaserum

[SonshineLearner]

I would assume that the person had desired for their funeral message to incorporate their faith, with the hope that "unsaved" loved ones would turn to a relationship with God, so that eternity would be spent together... with God :) That's my take... anyway... but I understand what you're thinking :)

[Veritaserum]

I would assume that the person had desired for their funeral message to incorporate their faith, with the hope that "unsaved" loved ones would turn to a relationship with God, so that eternity would be spent together... with God :) That's my take... anyway... but I understand what you're thinking :)

 

I guess I should clarify that the church basically has a rule that a missionary-type message given by clergy must be part of any funeral service held in the church building.

 

I agree that the intent is to bring others to God, but it was more off-putting than anything else....

[Julie in CA]

Our denomination would always present a definite salvation message, but it wouldn't be super-lengthy. I don't really consider it proselytizing though, simply a presentation, and I'm so sorry that your experience wasn't what you'd hoped. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Julie in CA]

I guess I'd assume that the deceased had some relationship with that church and that they probably desired attendees to hear that message, or else they'd have held the funeral elsewhere, maybe? :001_smile:

[Starr]

Dh weaves the stories of the deceased's life in with the gospel. It works well and non believers have often complimented him on the service.

[Starr]

I guess I'd assume that the deceased had some relationship with that church and that they probably desired attendees to hear that message, or else they'd have held the funeral elsewhere, maybe? :001_smile:

 

:iagree:

[mommaduck]

All Orthodox funerals are the same http://www.goarch.org/ourfaith/ourfaith9218 There is some comfort in this.

 

But I know that in the baptist churches I've been in, funerals were used as an occasion to shoot for conversions.

Edited June 1, 2011 by mommaduck

[Parrothead]

Like this

[KristinaBreece]

I've seen it happen in a couple of different ways. It makes me ill.

 

When my great uncle passed away, my grandmother handled his funeral arrangements. She chose a minister my family trusted & had known for years. My uncle was not a religious man, my grandparents were. His funeral was held at a funeral home, not at a church. The minister acted completely in character for himself, which was not appropriate for the funeral of a dearly beloved man who had never (to my knowledge) so much as darkened the door of an evangelical church. One of my uncle's friends raised his objections loudly, in the middle of the funeral. He was right, but my grandmother had hired the man that she thought would be most comforting to HER-- not who represented my uncle well or who was any comfort whatsoever to the vast majority of the people present.

 

Some 12 years later, my grandmother passed away. The pastor of her church (a VERY evangelical Freewill Baptist Church-- lots of hellfire & brimstone) handled most of the service. He knows my grandfather well (GF is a deacon at the church) and he loved my grandmother like he loved his own mother. He knew that my grandfather would prefer a very religious service, but he also knew that nothing was more important to my grandfather than to comfort my mother, my aunts, & I while making my aunts feel comfortable in the church-- which they generally are NOT. The pastor was very diplomatic in his message. While he did slip in a few minutes on the importance of righting one's affairs in the eyes of God, he did so in a way that did not alienate my family. The man he asked to read the obituary from our local newspaper, however, did not seem capable of keeping his opinions to himself. He used to be my grandmother's next door neighbor, and he knew that the most important things in my grandmother's life were her children. Even if she didn't agree with them on an issue, she never let it hurt their relationship. My aunt (her youngest daughter) has lived with her girlfriend for 15 years now. Nang (sp?) Sam (as my kids call her-- Nang is supposed to be grandmother in some language) is an accepted member of our family. She is treated as a daughter and loved by us all. In my grandmother's obituary, my family chose to list Sam's name alongside the rest of the surviving family. This man stopped at the point where he should have read her name, and then continued to read the obituary, leaving her out completely. I can't even express the anger that I was feeling at that point. My husband literally had to hold me in my seat so I didn't make a scene.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: Sorry that was so long.

[Ellesmere]

.

[susankenny]

I don't know. I guess I am in the minority where I expect any funeral service held at a church to include the gospel message. If someone does not want a religious service, I'd assume they wouldn't hold it at a church. I also feel if the family did not want a sermon or any kind of message shared outside of the person's life, that would/should be discussed upfront and either respected or worked out with no surprises.

 

I'm sorry you feel upset :grouphug:

 

 

Susan

[Whereneverever]

All the same- there's a standard set of funeral liturgies. A sermon is generally part of that.

[Veritaserum]

I think there was enough religious content in the words shared by my dad and my aunt, but I would not have had a problem with a SHORT (<10 min.) and sweet gospel message from ONE clergy member. The whole funeral was only about an hour. The last two speakers spoke for 15 - 20 min. each. I was relieved when the first clergy member sat down. Then the second one, who was not on the program, stood up and spoke even longer than the first guy. It was just too much, too long, and too impersonal. :(

 

What I really would have loved would have been for my uncle (current clergy) or grandfather (husband of the deceased and former clergy) to have been the one to deliver a religious message. My aunts arranged the funeral without input from anyone. I honestly don't think my grandma would have liked the length of time devoted to the religious message, especially since it was hurtful to the mourners. If she had been the one to give it, it would have been short, simple, and full of love.

[TravelingChris]

What you describe is unpleasant, even for those who are saved.

[Lilymax]

I understand what you are saying. I've been a Christian most of my life and even I don't like heavily-preachy funeral services. Mention their beliefs, sure...it honors the deceased. But I'm talking one brief paragraph, a minute at most.

 

DH's family in another state attends a conservative Baptist church and every funeral we've been to talks about the deceased maybe five minutes, then preaches a regular conversion sermon for another twenty or so.

 

I am so glad they won't be in charge of any of our funerals. I think funerals should be a place to share memories of the deceased, to talk about their life, sing songs they loved, read meaningful poetry. Not an evangelism crusade.

[Dobela]

It really depends on who handles the service here. THe actual location doesn't mean much. Some funerals I have been to barely mention the deceased and the entire time is a religious sermon. Other times religion isd only mentioned as the deceased would have liked. At my grandpa's funeral we spent a long time just singing his favorite hymns instead of a long sermon.

[justamouse]

:grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry you experienced that.

 

Actually, the funeral of my FIL is what brought us back to the Catholic Church. The Mass was beautiful, just what Chucki posted. Not preachy at all.

[justamouse]

All Orthodox funerals are the same http://www.goarch.org/ourfaith/ourfaith9218 There is some comfort in this.

 

 

 

When I was inquiring at the EO church by me, the Priest (my FILs Passing was fresh and a topic of funeral came up) told me that the EO 'sings' their loved one away. I thought that utterly beautiful.

[LittleIzumi]

I think there was enough religious content in the words shared by my dad and my aunt, but I would not have had a problem with a SHORT (<10 min.) and sweet gospel message from ONE clergy member. The whole funeral was only about an hour. The last two speakers spoke for 15 - 20 min. each. I was relieved when the first clergy member sat down. Then the second one, who was not on the program, stood up and spoke even longer than the first guy. It was just too much, too long, and too impersonal. :(

 

What I really would have loved would have been for my uncle (current clergy) or grandfather (husband of the deceased and former clergy) to have been the one to deliver a religious message. My aunts arranged the funeral without input from anyone. I honestly don't think my grandma would have liked the length of time devoted to the religious message, especially since it was hurtful to the mourners. If she had been the one to give it, it would have been short, simple, and full of love.

 

Then maybe you should just detail things like this--what you want at your service--in your will so it can be followed. It sounds like the length or speakers could be altered by the organizers, but weren't.

[MinivanMom]

I'm so sorry for what happened. I buried my mother last year and my experience was not like this at all. I wrote the eulogy and the SP, bless his heart, read it directly and then added very brief non-denominational remarks at the end. I made sure to communicate the family situation and to be clear that there would be no "missionary work" due to the family situation. He did a wonderful job. Of course, the service was at a funeral home, but I'm confident he would have handled it the same way if it had been in the church building.

 

For what it's worth, this is a widespread issue. When my grandmother (who did not belong to any church) died two years ago, my Southern Baptist aunt asked her own pastor to speak at the funeral. This gentleman did not know my grandmother at all and gave a long sermon about my aunt's life :001_huh: followed by what was essentially an altar call. Her siblings (none of whom are SB) were not pleased. I felt so sad that they were all left out of planning their own mother's funeral. That's the way of it, though. Funerals should be comforting, but it's hard when the attendees don't all agree on what comforting should look like. Personally, I'm a big advocate of always erring on the side of keeping it to a simple eulogy. Even if we don't agree on religion, we can't help but agree that it's grandma's funeral. Let's talk about grandma.

[Remudamom]

I was at two funerals last month. The first was Baptist, and downright embarrasing. The preacher yelled and hollered about a woman he knew who had finally been saved, telling us at the end that it was his own daughter.

 

The second was a PCA, and the most wonderful, lovely service I've ever seen. We sang hymns, had a very short sermon and rejoiced that our friend has gone to Christ.

[KristinaBreece]

My favorite (if such a word can be applied to funerals) funerals and memorial services have been the ones I've attended at Second Baptist Church & the Apostolic Church-- the predominantly black churches. (One side of my family all attend these 2 churches, the ones that don't either don't attend anywhere or attend the Freewill Baptist church I spoke of earlier.) There's totally a message, but it's not condemning anyone-- and they have all been more like celebrations of the loved one's life, rather than a warning for those of us still on earth.

[Jennifer in MI]

Dh weaves the stories of the deceased's life in with the gospel. It works well and non believers have often complimented him on the service.

 

:iagree: My dh is an Episcopal priest too. This is what he does and he is always complimented on it!!

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

As part of my funeral I want some sort of missionary/gospel message. Aka: "This is what Anya believed, and she wants you to hear it at least one more time." It is my meaning of life and if my funeral is what it takes to get someone to come to Jesus then I'll take it! But I don't think it should be required.

[AnthemLights]

I really like the way the our church does funerals....yes, there is definitely a salvation message but it is wrapped around the life of the person who has died and usually done by someone close to the deceased.

 

LOTS OF SINGING.....which I think is an awesome thing. Songs often do a better job of encouraging and reminding and convicting than any sermon would. At least for me.....

 

That said, I have been to funerals where I was almost embarrassed by the whole thing. But I think that was more because of the personal style of the preacher than anything else.

 

Sorry it was like that for you....:grouphug:

[milovany]

I'm Eastern Orthodox and have been to two Orthodox funerals now (see link mommaduck shared above). They are just beautiful. And they are for the recently reposed, so the salvation status of the those in attendance is not really an issue. I'm sorry you had a frustrating experience.

[cougarmom4]

Hmm...I think I attend the same church you do and I've never had this type of experience, so perhaps it is just the way your local leaders tend to approach the situation. I'm sorry you had such a bad experience at a tender time for you! :grouphug:

 

I have never heard of a policy that says every funeral needs to include a 'missionary' sermon. I have attended several funerals where after the family and/or friend has shared about their loved one, a Priesthood leader stands and shares a gospel message. In my experience, it typically tends to be more of one offering hope in the Atonement of Christ and what a blessing the Plan of Salvation is...for we know we can see our loved one again and be together with them. I guess in some ways I see it as more of a comforting message--being away from a loved one is hard and difficult, but don't lose hope in the gospel--you'll see one another again!

 

In fact, this is exactly what the handbook states ought to happen--also encouraging such comments to be brief. :D Apparently your local leadership needs to read up on such things!

[Jen+4dc]

Hmm...I think I attend the same church you do and I've never had this type of experience, so perhaps it is just the way your local leaders tend to approach the situation. I'm sorry you had such a bad experience at a tender time for you! :grouphug:

 

I have never heard of a policy that says every funeral needs to include a 'missionary' sermon. I have attended several funerals where after the family and/or friend has shared about their loved one, a Priesthood leader stands and shares a gospel message. In my experience, it typically tends to be more of one offering hope in the Atonement of Christ and what a blessing the Plan of Salvation is...for we know we can see our loved one again and be together with them. I guess in some ways I see it as more of a comforting message--being away from a loved one is hard and difficult, but don't lose hope in the gospel--you'll see one another again!

 

In fact, this is exactly what the handbook states ought to happen--also encouraging such comments to be brief. :D Apparently your local leadership needs to read up on such things!

:iagree::iagree:

 

This is also my experience. I've never been to a funeral at church with an overly "missionary" sermon. I'm guessing it's a local issue....:confused:

 

Sorry, funerals are hard no matter what and the speakers should be a comfort, not a source of aggravation!:grouphug:

[Veritaserum]

Hmm...I think I attend the same church you do and I've never had this type of experience, so perhaps it is just the way your local leaders tend to approach the situation. I'm sorry you had such a bad experience at a tender time for you! :grouphug:

 

I have never heard of a policy that says every funeral needs to include a 'missionary' sermon. I have attended several funerals where after the family and/or friend has shared about their loved one, a Priesthood leader stands and shares a gospel message. In my experience, it typically tends to be more of one offering hope in the Atonement of Christ and what a blessing the Plan of Salvation is...for we know we can see our loved one again and be together with them. I guess in some ways I see it as more of a comforting message--being away from a loved one is hard and difficult, but don't lose hope in the gospel--you'll see one another again!

 

In fact, this is exactly what the handbook states ought to happen--also encouraging such comments to be brief. :D Apparently your local leadership needs to read up on such things!

 

They weren't about missionary work in particular. I don't remember exactly the topics were because I was so upset. It was definitely not a short and simple message about seeing her again. It felt like a sales pitch on religion to any non-religious folk might be in the audience. That's what I meant about missionary work. It just felt so wrong.

 

Honestly, I dislike what the handbook says regarding funerals. I think the recommendation to place the focus on the gospel rather than the deceased is inappropriate and insensitive to the mourning process. Yes, I find the gospel comforting. But I don't need a stranger to preach it to me in an obnoxious manner at my beloved grandmother's funeral.

 

I have attended many funerals in my denomination and never found anything to upset me until it was my grandma's turn. I am pretty sure my aunts did not ask or expect the second clergy member to speak.

[OnTheBrink]

They're done pretty much however the family wants. Most of the time, the families want some sort of gospel presentation, but it's always done appropriately (as in, "Buford was a Christian and we trust He's in heaven today with his savior....blah blah, rest of service, talk about his life, etc..."If anyone here today wishes to talk to someone about Christ, please speak to me or call us here at the church any time." ). I've never attended a service where someone did a big missionary push, even at funerals for missionaries!

[MinivanMom]

They weren't about missionary work in particular. I don't remember exactly the topics were because I was so upset. It was definitely not a short and simple message about seeing her again. It felt like a sales pitch on religion to any non-religious folk might be in the audience. That's what I meant about missionary work. It just felt so wrong.

 

Honestly, I dislike what the handbook says regarding funerals. I think the recommendation to place the focus on the gospel rather than the deceased is inappropriate and insensitive to the mourning process. Yes, I find the gospel comforting. But I don't need a stranger to preach it to me in an obnoxious manner at my beloved grandmother's funeral.

 

I have attended many funerals in my denomination and never found anything to upset me until it was my grandma's turn. I am pretty sure my aunts did not ask or expect the second clergy member to speak.

 

I understood what you meant about missionary work. It's not that they were talking about missionary work, but that they were using the funeral as an opportunity to share the gospel instead of an occasion for remembering and mourning the deceased.

 

I agree with you about the handbook. I first read the section on funerals in the new handbook last fall right after I had gotton home from burying my mother. I was very surprised by the emphasis on using funerals to share the gospel. As someone from a part-member family that really struck me as off. I think it falls, though, under the principle of first we teach the rule and then we'll deal with the exceptions. For a family that is all active-lds from pioneer stock living in Utah, it makes sense to emphasize the gospel at a funeral. It would be comforting for that audience. For the rest of us, we need to focus on planning that funeral in the way that is going to be comforting for the audience we are dealing with. I'm very grateful that my mother's SP understood our family situation. I planned the whole thing and wrote the eulogy for him to give. He was very gracious and accommodating.

 

As far as the issue with the second speaker goes, the handbook specifically says that when a funeral is held in a church building, the Bishop is in charge of planning that funeral, not the family. I assume that the purpose of this policy is so that Bishops are empowered to step in and help guide the planning of a funeral if a family is being ridiculous (I think media presentations and overly long funerals are specifically addressed).

 

It also says that if someone higher than the Bishop (SP, GA) is attending, then the Bishop must give him an opportunity to speak. I assume this is what happened at your grandmother's funeral. I think it's well-intentioned, but perhaps not always well-implemented. I was very happy with my mother's funeral home service where I was able to call all the shots. If I had to plan another funeral, I would be tempted to go the funeral home route if I had any reason to think that my current leaders might be clueless or insensitive in that regard. I personally don't care for preaching at funerals and I wouldn't have much patience with anyone insensitively overruling the family's wishes in that regard.

[sewingmama]

I'm assuming you are LDS -yes :)

 

Every funeral I've ever been to has always had a member of the bishopric speak - but it's usually very short - usually about 3-5 minutes. Two talks are unusual but maybe there were SP or GP there.

 

I remember one funeral I went to where there were a high number of non-members attending. The bishop gave the "glove puppet talk" using the glove puppet and everything :D (If you don't know what I'm referring to its about how your body is like the glove and the spirit is the hand)

After the funeral so many of the non-members commented about how they enjoyed that talk and gave them hope.

 

Basically those sermons are for the benefit of the non-members. The purpose is not to proselyte (although I do see how it could be construed as such) but to bring comfort to those who might not have a clue about the plan of salvation. Some people might see it as the LDS faith being forced on them but from the many comments I've heard from non-members - most have appreciated it.

 

I once went to a funeral of a non-member lady from the nursing home I worked at. The only people who turned up were her son, about 6 nurses and the minister (who didn't know her). The funeral was at the graveside and lasted all of 5 minutes. The son didn't want to say anything and the minister said a few words and then said "Well I really didn't know her so I don't have much to say so we'll just stand here in silence for a few minutes before departing". It was soooo depressing - the women had lived 89 years and no one had anything to say about her. That silence was so long I would have gladly listened to that minister preach a sermon about his faith/denomination even though I didn't believe in it - the whole enviroment just felt so hopeless.

 

I'm sorry it didn't go how you expected it too though - funerals can be tough things to organise perfectly sometimes because of the time crunch.:grouphug:

[Aelwydd]

Well, Laura, you won't get any arguments from that it was in poor taste! ;)

 

I'm so sorry that your grandmother's funeral got co-oped for a religious sales pitch. That is offensive. I think that death, like birth, should be a natural and spontaneous event, in the sense that no two experiences are ever completely alike. The passing of a loved one is an intensely personal affair; it should not be treated as a scripted opportunity to proselytize the living.

 

When I go to church, it's Episcopalian. The only funeral I have attended was very catholic-y, meaning, it was done as a service to the deceased, as well as consolation to the surviving family members and friends. That is to say, there were prayers for the deceased, passages of Scripture read that pertained to death and resurrection, and rites performed to bless and bury the body.

 

Not everyone wants that, and that's fine. But, it seemed to be done well, and in accordance with the family's wishes. Which is all one may hope for, I suppose.

[indigomama]

The part about funerals that I find in poor taste is when they open up the mic to anyone who wants to "share". I have been at some funerals that have lasted hours because of this. And most of the people who get up and talk seem to do it for themselves and not about the deceased. I told DH there is no way I am having an open mic at my funeral.

[Jeanne in MN]

A dear friend of mine recently attended a funeral where there was an alter call! She was beyond upset that something like that would happen at a funeral. So you're not alone.

[Amira]

I've been lucky that the LDS funerals I've attended haven't gone overboard on the preaching side of things. I've been to one in particular that was heavy on the preaching, but I also knew that the deceased wanted it that way (I would have liked to hear more about his life; in fact, the bios given at my grandparents' funerals are some of the best histories I have of them and I think it's unfortunate when the deceased's life is not the focus). However, I think a lot of people don't want everyone talking about them for a long time at their funeral.

 

Anyway. I do think it is far too easy for an enthusiastic bishop to follow the instructions in the handbook in a way that would be negative for the family and I wish there was a little more balance in those instructions.

[asta]

For the RCC, this is a good summary. It's a process rather than a one shot deal.

 

Big Irish/Polish families here, lots of dead people. IME, this is how it goes every time:

 

A person dies, and everyone descends on their house from the corners of the earth to clean it, fill it with food, and take care of any business that needs tending to (childcare, yard work, whatever).

 

The Vigil, which some people refer to as The Rosary (usually the night before the funeral), then food.

 

The High Mass. The readings (except the Gospel) are usually done by family members who have been lectors in their own parishes before. If the funeral is big, someone who has been an Eucharistic Minister at their own parish may help the priest with communion.

 

The procession to the gravesite. A few short words by the priest. The coffin may or may not be lowered while everyone is there (seems to depend on the size of the city). If it is, everyone puts in a handful of dirt (for dust you are and to dust you will return), and then it's just... done. The soul is gone, the body is sealed.

 

Then food, revelry, and copious quantities of alcohol.

 

The first time I went to a non-Catholic funeral, I couldn't understand the sheer level of morose-ness (is that a word?) going on. I tried to explain to someone and they looked at me in horror: "you would celebrate DEATH?!" Um, no. Eternal life.

 

Eh.

 

 

a