homeschooling when DH works long hours

[lovinmyboys]

DH and I are going on our big date tonight (earlier this week we had a disagreement about homeschooling next year and tonight we are discussing it and what we want our lives to look like). One of DH's concerns is that I am overwhelmed and homeschooling would make me too busy. I got some good advice on that issue from the board a few days ago.

 

One issue is that he works a lot-at least 60 hours a week, plus he is in the army reserves so he has drills once a month. He thinks homeschooling would work if the dad (or non-homeschooling parent) could be more involved, but he just isn't as available. He usually leaves around 6am and gets home at 7pm M-F. So, I do almost everything- cooking, cleaning, errands, taking care of the kids, schooling the kids, etc. I do stay busy and would appreciate being able to grocery shop every once in a while without all three of them, but it is doable. I don't think adding K in would be all that much.

 

Can anyone offer tips or give me hope about making homeschooling doable when DH is gone almost all of the day. In August my kids will be 5, 3, and 18mos. What are your weekends and evenings like when he is home? Is he responsible for anything house or school related? Do you ever get a break? Do you let your kids stay up late to spend time with him? Did you ditch family dinners? (I know a lot of that isn't schooling related, but we are discussing all things having a family related tonight).

[LauraKay28]

My husband is usually gone from 6am-8pm weekdays, and he's been getting forced into work early Saturdays. So that leaves us with Saturday afternoon and Sunday. He's one of those guys that prefers to actually spend his free time with the kids, which is wonderful. They go mountain bike riding together. Our kids are 8, 7, and 5, and one is coming in June. I do ALL of the homeschooling, the cooking, the cleaning, and I teach 20 piano students a week. We are both busy, but it can work. We rent, so my husband does not have to spend any time on yard work or "around the house" projects, which helps enormously.

 

Do you have any support around you that could help out when you need a break? Both my mom and mother-in-law are within 15 minutes away, so if I really can't take it anymore, I could give them a call. I hear you on the grocery shopping without three kids!!!!!

 

I hear about husbands who help out with the homeschooling, but that just doesn't work for us. And I'm okay with that. Sometimes life gets stressful, but we pick our priorities and have to be okay with the fact that some things will slide. Overall, you do what you have to to make it work, if it's really something you want.

Hope that helps somewhat!

Laura

[LauraKay28]

Oh yes, the family dinners are pretty much out during the week because dh gets home too late, but the kids do stay up until 9pm or so to spend time with him (often in front of the tv, but oh well). We pack as much into our weekend as we can. :001_smile:

[lovinmyboys]

We moved here about 9 mos ago. We are starting to meet people, but it is different because we used to live within 20 mins of several family members on both sides.

[Elizabeth in WA]

Can anyone offer tips or give me hope about making homeschooling doable when DH is gone almost all of the day. In August my kids will be 5, 3, and 18mos. What are your weekends and evenings like when he is home? Is he responsible for anything house or school related? Do you ever get a break? Do you let your kids stay up late to spend time with him? Did you ditch family dinners? (I know a lot of that isn't schooling related, but we are discussing all things having a family related tonight).

 

My husband leaves around 7:15AM every weekday morning and is only home before midnight on Wednesdays. We have ditched family dinner, but not because of his working hours. Gymnastics practice until 8PM every night has been the major downfall of proper family meals. It can be much like single parenting without the financial problems. I don't think that is what is making things difficult for you as much as the fact that your children are still young. Even if your 5 year old goes to school next year, you will still have two little ones you need to take everywhere with you. Those years are hard. Having teenage children has made my life much easier because while I rarely leave the house during the schoolday anyway, I can just buy milk or whatever quickly without needing to bring anyone else with me. My husband makes breakfast and sometimes dinner on the weekends, but otherwise doesn' do household chores. However my kids do. My 15 year old could, if he had to, run the household entirely without me. Once he gets a driver's license, and he'll be getting his permit in just over a week, he could completely fill in for me if it were necessary. But I digressed...

 

In short, I think what is hard for you right now is more the ages of your children than homeschooling per se. I do not think school will actually make things easier for you. It is really shocking how often schools seem to want parents there, and that presents it's own babysitting challenges as well as another major time sink. Homeschooling the little grades can be much more time efficient for mom than dealing with a child in school in my experience.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

If we didn't homeschool, my kids would rarely see their dad. Long work days don't mesh well with early bed times so kids can catch the school bus.

When my kids were little we did do schooly school with reading and math lessons. But there was a lot learned as they followed me around my day, cooking, cleaning and shopping.

[gingersmom]

I'm a single parent of 2 kids (their father died) and I have been homeschooling them for the past 4 years.

 

To answer your questions-

 

Do I ever get a break? Rarely

 

Do we ditch family dinners? No. Not sure why we would.

[kalanamak]

DH and I are going on our big date tonight (earlier this week we had a disagreement about homeschooling next year and tonight we are discussing it and what we want our lives to look like). One of DH's concerns is that I am overwhelmed and homeschooling would make me too busy..

 

 

No specific advice but is it possible something you are doing makes him think you are overwhelmed? Can you cut that out? (Possibilities: crying in frustration, house a disaster, never any dinner ready, kids unwashed, too tired for teA, etc. These are just guessing. I don't have a webcam in your house. :001_smile:)

[dcurry]

I think you'd be busier having to drop off, pick up, and deal with homework & teacher meetings. And your husband would have less time with them since you'd need to have them in bed early to get up early for school.

 

It is difficult with no help from your husband, but on the other hand, my husband has been unemployed for a while and is here all the time- but he still isn't involved in any way with housework or homeschooling. And it seems it is harder to get things done when he is here.

 

I would decide with your husband whether homeschooling is something you are interested in or committing to. You may wish to join a homeschool support group, and maybe trade days once/week with another mom to allow for errands without kids. (Ex. I watch your kids on Tuesday afternoons from noon-4pm and you watch mine on Wednesday from noon-4pm). The kids get playtime, and you moms get time to shop and do errands without kids (or even take a nap if you need to). You may want to make it just one day/week and have time only every other week if 2x/week is too much for your schedule.

 

Your kids are still young- you have plenty of time to figure out what works for your family.

[speedmom4]

My husband travels approximately 4-6 days a week for about 36 weeks a year. This has been the way we have lived for the past 13 years. It can be difficult but not impossible. It has built up confidence in myself. I'm much stronger than I ever thought I could be.

 

Also, now that the children are older it is much easier. It was hard when they were all little.

 

I think it's really sweet that your husband is that concerned about you!

 

God Bless,

Elise in NC

[Heidi]

My husband works and studies.... a LOT. That's his job. My job is to take care of the children and the house. It's actually easier to do my job when he is really busy. I can serve pbj's for dinner when he's not here and the house doesn't have to be spotless for the kids.

Just try homeschooling this next year. If it's too much for you after a while, then send them to school. I think you should at least give it a try though.

Before we started my husband's concern was that I would be too overwhelmed to give them a good education. We made an agreement that if I dropped the ball, and they fell behind because I got lazy or overwhelmed, we'd put them back in school. (I tend to start projects and never finish them). So that's our deal.

 

good luck!

[lovinmyboys]

No specific advice but is it possible something you are doing makes him think you are overwhelmed? Can you cut that out? (Possibilities: crying in frustration, house a disaster, never any dinner ready, kids unwashed, too tired for teA, etc. These are just guessing. I don't have a webcam in your house. :001_smile:)

 

I am not overwhelmed (any more than what I would think of as normal..I do have a 14mos old climber and he is a little overwhelming because he never stops climbing). Of your list the house is definately a mess often when he gets home. But, it gets put back together regularly. 7:00 is just not a good time for me to have the house clean-dinner dishes are out, bath stuff is going, and the toddler messes from when I was making dinner haven't been attended to. Messes do stress him out and I am sure it looks like I am overwhelmed when he walks in the door. In realitiy, I am not. I have a plan for getting it all put back together, I just haven't been able to do it yet.

 

I was more on top of things before we moved here and I don't think my DH realized how much help our families were. My dad was self-employed really near our house and would often drop in and I would run to the store or speed clean something while he just played with his grandbabies. I don't think either one of us realized how much those little drop ins helped. Now, I do more cleaning and errands after the kids are in bed and DH takes it that I am overwhelmed since I can't get everything done during the day and am having to work into the evenings. He is a really hard worker, but is allergic to work after 9pm. Doing work that late would overwhelm him, so he sees it as me being overwhelemed.

[lovinmyboys]

Its nice to know other people are doing it. The few people we know who homeschool have more flexible schedules. Since that is all DH sees, he doesn't see how it could work for us (if that makes sense).

[Shellydon]

My DH typically works 6:00am to 6:30 ish pm M-F. We eat when he gets home, he spends a little time playing with the kids, we do bath and everyone is in bed between 8:30 and 9:00 (wake up is between 7:30 and 8:30 am).

 

When you have a parent that is gone a lot homeschooling actually works better, IMO. If we did regular school, kids would be in bed no later than 7:00 each night, they would not see DH at all during the week. We'd never eat dinner together as a family.

 

Do I get breaks? Nope. I wouldn't if they were in PS either as long as I have littles at home.

 

DH does not do any of their schooling. If I wanted, he could probably do read alouds most nights, but I'd rather get school done during the day.

[Tarreymere]

Hi

I currently run a circus without any help from DH. DH gets home most days about 4:30 and plugs into the internet until bedtime. He is very involved in some forums (not this one!) and other things. He is home, and on the computer in the living room and I get to look at him in profile for several hours each day but he is not available for any assistance and even wears headphones so he can ignore the kids. He is otherwise a wonderful husband and I am not making any complaints, it is just the way it is. He has a 'thing' about unfolded laundry, so if there is a basket of unfolded laundry I haven't gotten to when he gets home he will begin to fold it even without taking off his jacket or backpack (he bikes to and from work). But no other chores. No outside chores. He did duct tape the ottoman where the kids have torn it, but that is it.

 

DH does not help with homeschool. He isn't interested in curriculum. He will listen to snippets of how wonderful the kids are but that is it. He works in human services directly with some very needy and mentally unstable people and he needs a break from all that when he gets home. All he wants in the world is to come home to a wife who will hug him, feed him, and let him destress. I get that. It is tough to be always 'on duty' and to have no one to share my frustrations and challenges with.

 

We don't have a car at all right now. DH rides a bike to work. I used to be able to get out a bit with the younger two in a bike trailer but two of my grandkids (ages seven months and almost three years) are living with us intermittently (3-4 days a week, sometimes more if mom is in jail as she seems to be pretty regularly). And I just started babysitting another three year old and a one year old to help make ends meet. So I can't go anywhere, no public transportation as we are in a rural area. We probably won't be able to get a car for another couple months and even then we won't be able to fit all the littles in it to go anywhere. My 15 year old and my almost 12 year old are in a shared custody agreement and spend most of their time with their paternal grandparents who are able to drive them around to all of their activities.

 

The seven month old is pretty stressed and is my 'velcro baby' when she is here. We will be going for custody when I am confident that we will get it as I don't want to make DD so angry with a failed attempt that she keeps the kids from us. DH and I have no other family in the area other than our adult children. My parents are dead, DH's mom is in a nursing home and his dad lives on the other side of the state. I don't have any friends here, probably because I can't seem to get out of the house much.

 

I cook all three meals and prepare all snacks from scratch. I do that to save money, but I do like to cook. Velcro baby goes in a backpack for that. I have no dishwasher so I hand wash all dishes. We always have a family dinner, we are all always here and have to eat! I think the kids benefit from sitting down at a table and learning table manners and good behavior. I think it sets a good example for them also.

 

I try to do a quick, five or ten minute clean up of the worst areas right before DH gets home. I have the kids help with that. We try to make the place look at least a bit presentable. I have nice big baskets in the two main rooms (we live in a trailer) to toss toys into quickly. So DH walks into a pretty decent house when he gets home.

 

I make a conscious effort to be positive and upbeat when he gets home and I don't complain to him about my day or the kids. It wouldn't really make me feel better and it would just stress him out. He knows it is hard, and he does give me a big hug when I tell him I need one. He doesn't give me a hard time about things like if I get behind with laundry or if the kids are overdue for a bath. So I don't bug him about not helping, although I admit there are days I want to just hand him the baby and walk away for a while.

 

I just think that things were a lot harder for women a hundred years ago or so, and that I am lucky to have the things I do have like an electric washer (which is currently not agitating or shutting off when it is full so I have to watch the water level and agitate the clothes by hand, at least it drains and spins). I have healthy, active kids. I get to homeschool and be a bigger part of my children's lives. I know that when my kids are grown they will be able to say that while we didn't have much in the way of material things they knew they could count on hugs, homemade oatmeal cookies, and mom always there at home for them. So it is worth it. It isn't easy, but I try to make it look that way!

[Capt_Uhura]

Can anyone offer tips or give me hope about making homeschooling doable when DH is gone almost all of the day. In August my kids will be 5, 3, and 18mos. What are your weekends and evenings like when he is home? Is he responsible for anything house or school related? Do you ever get a break? Do you let your kids stay up late to spend time with him? Did you ditch family dinners? (I know a lot of that isn't schooling related, but we are discussing all things having a family related tonight).

 

My DH leaves about 7:30am. He returns home about 8:30-9:30pm M-F. I have a 5th grader, 2nd grader, and DD4. I do everything around the house. I handle all the bills, all the cooking, all the grocery shopping, all HSing, all cleaning, and I do a great deal of the yard work. Both boys are are on travel soccer and DH is DS10s travel soccer coach. Weekends are filled w/ practices and games. Some away games take 4hrs.

 

No, I rarely get free time.

The kids and I eat together as a family every day. Dh eats with us on Saturdays and Sundays.

yes, my kids stay up until 10pm to spend time w/ DH when he gets home.

 

When my DS7 went to kindergarten, he was so tired from the day, he would be asleep by 7pm. I'd have to drag him out of bed at 7am to get ready for school and be on the bus by 8am. For the entire year, he only saw his dad on the weekends which as I mentioned above, is filled with soccer. That was my first year HSing my then 3rd grader and DS7 wanted to go to school. By February, he was ready to come home but I had him finish out the year and he started HSing as a 1st grader.

[historically accurate]

My dh leaves the house at 5 am and gets home at 6 pm M-F. He has an extremely long commute (3 hours of that time). We've homeschooled for 4 years now with that schedule. It has worked for us so far. It is easier now that my youngest is 4; I think in your case it's probably more your children's ages than school activities that is hard.

[kalanamak]

In realitiy, I am not. I have a plan for getting it all put back together, I just haven't been able to do it yet.

 

He is a really hard worker, but is allergic to work after 9pm. Doing work that late would overwhelm him, so he sees it as me being overwhelemed.

 

 

I would discuss the former with him, and if that doesn't work, I'd try to move my day up a little, so that 7 pm, now ("the cyanide hour") is 6 pm.

 

:grouphug: and HTH. (P.s. I'm the one allergic to mess, and I'm the one who comes home after work, and I really, really dislike walking into chaos, esp. since I know hubby will think "great, she's home" and either do a powder or watch a movie. I know you aren't doing that to him. :001_smile:)

[Mom in High Heels]

James Bond is in the army and works crazy hours or is gone a lot (last year he was gone 2-3 weeks out of every month except Dec). If we didn't hs, I would have gone crazy trying to get Indy ready for school, deal with homework, PTA, etc, and James Bond would never have seen Indy. Hsing offers us the flexibility we need to make our family work.

JB doesn't do anything school related (I'm too anal about school for that), but he does have to clean up after himself (I'm not his maid) and help out when he is here. We have not ditched family dinners. Even if JB is gone, Indy and I sit down at the table and eat together and talk. I get a break sometimes. I'll tell JB (when he's home) that I need to get out and he'll take care of Indy (they'll play a game or watch a movie or something boy related) and I'll leave for a few hours. It helps a lot. When dh is gone (and he's gone a lot) I'll hire a sitter for a few hours and get away. We also have daily "mommy time." This is an hour a day where I'm not to be disturbed. Indy knows the rules of this. He can play in his room, go outside, watch a movie, whatever, but unless he's gone a bone exposed, bleeding from the eyes or on fire, he's not to disturb me. Some days he'll look at me and say "I think you need some mommy time." Of course now that Han Solo is here, mommy time has gone out the window, but Indy still likes it for himself (I think it's because he can watch TV if he wants). Indy does not stay up late to be with JB because his sleep is really important. We make time when dh IS home though to be together (weekends, holidays, etc). Hsing also gives us the opportunity to take off whenever we like, so if JB IS off work, we can have time together. If Indy were in ps, he'd probably see far less of JB.

[lovinmyboys]

I agree that my life is much easier than it would have been 100 years ago (or if I had someone else's life now). I really do think I am blessed to be able to stay home with my boys since I want to. It really is great.

 

Dh thinks sending DS5 to school will give me more time to clean, do more individual attention with the littles, etc. since he isn't able to help much. I just don't think school should be used as babysitting (which seems to be how he is presenting it).

 

Well, off for my date. Thanks for all the help! It really helped me think thru things.

[HS Mom in NC]

It's a rare hs dad that does do any actual hsing with the children. I'm one of two hsers I know whose husband does anything at all. Is your husband familiar with many dads helping with hsing? Based on my 11 years in a very large hs community, I'm guessing he has not met more than a dad or two that helps, if any at all. If he has, then he should understand that the bunch of guys hsing around him are a statistical anomaly.

 

My husband only does Math and Science for the high school years.

 

I hsed while my husband worked 9 month stretches of 80+ hr. work weeks. I've seen him work as many as 90 hour weeks several weeks and 60+ just isn't that weird.

 

I hsed while my youngest, an international adoptee, went through a very challenging first year transition period where she slept no more than 1.5 hours at a stretch with regular night terrors for about 3-4 months, then slept for no more than 3 hours at a stretch for about 3-4 months with sporadic night terrors, and then finally only woke a time or two a night for another year. My older two were 7 and 9. My husband helped at night a handful of times at most.

 

I have hsed through helping to care for a grandparent in hospice care in my mother's home for 3 months. They were 3,11, and 13 then.

 

All those times the older two and I schooled and kept the household running fairly smoothly. We schooled year round so we could have short days or we could take a day off if we just really needed too.

[Dmmetler]

My DH works pretty long hours, and one benefit of HSIng is that we've been able to shift DD's schedule so she can stay up a little later at night and get more time with DH, and sleep later in the morning. When she was in PS, he still had the same schedule, but would often get home about the same time she needed to go to bed, so DD didn't see him much.

 

We don't have family dinners, except for DD and I, during the week, but we do try to have three meals each day of the weekend together.

[GoVanGogh]

I know it has been said a few times already - but one of the huge benefits of homeschooling when dad works long hours is that you can arrange your schedule around their work hours. My DH was working 70 hours per week last year. I often let my DS stay up very late at night so he could spend some time with his dad and dad could read to DS before bed. I would just let DS sleep in later in the morning and push back school time until later in the day. That would not have been possible if DS went away to school.

Yes, there were times that I really needed a break. I did enroll DS in a few holiday (Thanksgiving and Christmas) camps so I could have a few hours of quiet.

[choirfarm]

IDh thinks sending DS5 to school will give me more time to clean, do more individual attention with the littles, etc. since he isn't able to help much. I just don't think school should be used as babysitting (which seems to be how he is presenting it).

 

Well, off for my date. Thanks for all the help! It really helped me think thru things.

 

 

Hi!! I am married to a surgeon and he generally leaves at 6am is back if I am lucky at 7 or 8 but many days later. He gone many weekends.

 

First of all, school won't help believe me. I started homeschooling when the boys finished 1st/3rd grades and I had a 2 year old little girl. Let me tell you what my school years were like then:

 

Let us pretend it is the year they were 1, 5 and 7..

 

Wake up my boys and get them breakfast and feed my baby and get and ready to leave the house at 7:15 am. Drop off my middle one at the elementary school, drive and drop off the other one at the kindergarten, return home at 8: 30. Play with the baby. Decide what I want for dinner and put it in the crockpot. Go to school and help out with field day. Come back. Check on dinner, put on the sides. Leave at 2:30 to go pick up the kids. Arrive home at 4 or later. Give them a snack and supervise homework. Leave for baseball at 5 ( they are at two different fields) I stay with one with my baby and go pick up the other. We make it home at 7 and eat what is in the crockpot. If we are lucky, my dh makes it home. Boys practice their piano, take a shower and go to bed. I didn't even mention taking care of the baby throughout this, but you know how it goes. It was a zoo and I HATED IT!!!

 

Now, people can sleep in if they stayed up late to play a game with the Wii with dad. We tailor our vacation schedule around dad. If dad has a day off, then we are off. Yes, I was very flexible with school until the last couple of years when my oldest started high school. Believe me, sending them to school will not make it easier without him. You will have to figure out the homework yourself. At least I know what I've assigned and why. Sometimes I didn't have a clue how to do what they sent home. And the projects!!!!

 

Someone mentioned and I agree that part of it is your children's ages. Is there any possibility that there is a mother's day out program at a church around you ? That literally saved my sanity. My children attended on Wed and Fridays from 9-2 from the time they were 4 months old to 5. It was a time when I could get my hair cut. I could go Christmas shopping. I could just stay home and take a bath while reading a good book. My husband was not available to do that. When he is home he wants EVERYONE home with us. So that was my sanity saver. It was also nice when I started homeschooling. I knew that I had from 9-2 two days a week when I didn't have to keep up with my daughter who really wanted my attention. Now that they are older ( 16, 14 and 9), life is much, much easier in a lot of ways. I can leave them home alone to go to Walmart if I desire. That said, I'm still running two to piano and one to violin and a few other activities. Hang in there.

 

Christine

Edited April 30, 2011 by choirfarm

[Carrie12345]

My husband is often gone for as much as 70 hours/wk and sometimes has overnight travel. Our kids are getting ready to turn 13, 9, 8, 4, and we have a 4 month old. It can be difficult and frustrating (we have no family nearby, and no trustworthy sitting options), but it's become normal to us.

 

The homeschooling part isn't really all that hard. I think it was more complicated when my eldest was actually in school. The house is often a wreck, but that's not our top priority.

The part that IS difficult is juggling extracurriculars. During baseball season, dh tries to be home as early as he can (*tries - it doesn't always happen) so we can juggle a double booking or have someone home with the little kids.

[NanceXToo]

With your husband's hours and your kids in school, you're still going to have to do all the cooking, cleaning and errands.

 

I don't think homeschooling is going to make you so much more "busy" than you already are at this stage of the game (and why can't that be up to you, anyway, how "busy" you are willing to be, if you are going to be the one taking responsibility for it?) Your kids are SO young that they don't need much of that anyway. Even if you choose to do a more formal/academic Kindergarten program with your 5 y/o, it REALLY shouldn't take more than an hour or so a day depending on what you're going with, and the others don't need anything formal at all.

 

Even if you sent your 5 y/o to Kindergarten- you're still going to be home parenting the younger ones, right? Sooo.... instead of doing an hour or so of work with your K student each day, you're going to have to make it to the bus in the morning and to the bus in the afternoon (taking the younger ones with you each time), you're going to have to oversee school-enforced homework (and yes, they do give homework starting in K) only instead of doing it on your terms and your time and such, you're going to have to enforce it at the end of a long day when you and your child are both tired. And there will be parent-teacher conferences and school shopping and school fundraisers and forms to sign and more strict bedtime routines because "it's a school night" and aall sorts of things that will be more time-consuming and irritating than you might think. (Been there, done that, since I didn't pull my daughter out of school to begin homeschooling til toward the end of her third grade year- we've now been homeschooling just over two years and I SWEAR homeschooling is WAY less stressful for me than dealing with public school was!)

 

Perhaps you could also tell him that the fact that he DOES work so much makes it even more important to you and the kids that they get as much time with YOU as possible, instead of spending all day in school, and having limited time with mom AND limited time with dad.

 

Anyway, my husband works from 1 PM til 8 or 9 or 10 PM depending on the day and how busy he is. And he works every Saturday. He's off Sundays and Mondays. So now that we homeschool, my daughter gets more time with him since she can at least see him in the mornings and on Mondays when he's off. We only have dinner together two nights a week but we deal with it. Sometimes I can leave the kids with him and go shopping or something in the morning, or we all go, but lots of times I just do it later and bring them with me. Once in a while I might ask my husband to help with a particular craft or project that I think he'd be good at or enjoy but I do the vast majority of the schooling.

 

Anyway, I agree with you. Adding on K won't be all that much. If you guys want to let the kids stay up later to see him, go for it! You can be more flexible that way when you're homeschooling.

 

Good luck with everything!

[RahRah]

I am not overwhelmed (any more than what I would think of as normal..I do have a 14mos old climber and he is a little overwhelming because he never stops climbing). Of your list the house is definately a mess often when he gets home. But, it gets put back together regularly. 7:00 is just not a good time for me to have the house clean-dinner dishes are out, bath stuff is going, and the toddler messes from when I was making dinner haven't been attended to. Messes do stress him out and I am sure it looks like I am overwhelmed when he walks in the door. In realitiy, I am not. I have a plan for getting it all put back together, I just haven't been able to do it yet.

 

I was more on top of things before we moved here and I don't think my DH realized how much help our families were. My dad was self-employed really near our house and would often drop in and I would run to the store or speed clean something while he just played with his grandbabies. I don't think either one of us realized how much those little drop ins helped. Now, I do more cleaning and errands after the kids are in bed and DH takes it that I am overwhelmed since I can't get everything done during the day and am having to work into the evenings. He is a really hard worker, but is allergic to work after 9pm. Doing work that late would overwhelm him, so he sees it as me being overwhelemed.

 

I'm glad I read up to this point because I was going to ask how you feel - do you feel overwhelmed?

 

It sounds to me that your DH feels overwhelmed when he walks in the door because things are now different - the house is still messy, bath-time is in progress, dinner might not yet be ready, etc. So what he sees overwhelms him, not you.

 

That's what you and he need to talk about IMO - and work together to figure out what might work to make things less stressful feeling for him when he gets home and for you too - because it's probably stressful to be told you're overwhelmed when that isn't how you feel.

 

My DH works incredibly long hours (doctor) - he's out the door around 5:30 AM and doesn't get home most nights until around 7:00 PM on Monday-Friday, Saturday he also works, but that's 8:00-1:00; one Sunday a month he has to work also - so as a family, we only have three full days a month where he is off and four half-days off. It's hard, but there are some things we do so it doesn't seem like he's always gone.

 

I manage the house - each month, he literally just hands me his check and the next day I hand him some pocket money for the month. I'm not controlling, it's just that he simply doesn't have time to worry about it - so I run the house, he runs his practice. I do all the shopping, cooking and have recently hired a housekeeper - the house was getting to be way too much with our the new baby we had in January.....I cut back on some things to make that happen.

 

Before he went solo practitioner, we talked and agreed - when he leaves work, he leaves work at work.....except the pager, he can't ignore that, but he doesn't get many calls. When he gets home, dinner is usually ready or almost ready, table set, kids baths already done - so we have dinner together as a family. One thing that makes this happen with some ease is DH calls me when he's about 30-minutes more to go before leaving the office - that gives me an ETA for him....we'll tidy up, get dinner ready.....

 

After dinner he spends time with DS6 while I get the baby down for the night. We don't do dishes before bed - just clear the table and I'll do them in the morning. We used to try to do them at night, but for us, having some time together is more important, so they can wait until the morning. Some mornings he'll do them while he's up and getting ready - get them in the dishwasher and turn it on....other mornings, if he didn't do them, I'll do them as we start our day and DS is having breakfast. I look at it this way - I'd have to do the dishes after breakfast anyway, what's a few more? It's not like I have to look at them all night - the kitchen isn't in the bedroom!

 

After some DS-Daddy time, one of us will do bedtime stories with DS and get him into bed. Then DH and I have time together for a little while as we get ready for bed.

 

Sunday is our family day - no matter what!

 

We eat out a couple of times a month, usually on a Saturday (since DH usually doesn't have to wake up before dawn) or Sunday night. Once a week DH picks dinner up at a local place so I get a break from cooking.

 

Since shopping now is a lot harder with DS and baby in tow - we've worked out that once a week, after dinner, while he spends time with the boys, I head out and get the grocery shopping done.....nice to have an hour alone!

 

Once every couple of months, we try to get away for an overnight somewhere as a family to do something fun. Sunday's I try to find things to do or ask DH what he's like to do and sometimes we just hang out at home and do nothing but spend the day together catching up on things around the house.

 

Before you talk to your DH, you might want to ask yourself, what things can you do differently?

 

Can bath time move to the AM for the kids?

 

Or at a time before he gets home so it's done when he gets home?

 

Can dishes wait until the morning if they're at least into the sink so not obviously visible in the morning?

 

Can he watch the kids for a little while after dinner - play with them or whatever - while you get the kitchen picked up, toddler down, etc., so you're then able to spend some time together, even if just a little while and the kids are getting some time with him too?

 

I don't know your budget, but could you hire someone to come in once a week to do the heavy cleaning and you just maintain between cleanings?

 

Can you do a couple of dinners out a month or do some take-away occasionally as a treat that your DH picks up on the way home?

 

If his time getting home fluctuates (my DH's does), can he call on his way home so you have an ETA?

 

Just some ideas...HTH

[LibraryLover]

My dh travels a great deal.

 

My children are older, but when we first started hsing, they were much, much younger.

 

I had help in the form of local teens who were hired to push kids on swings, blow bubbles, surpervise littles in the yard etc. I also hired someone to clean the house twice a month.

 

Those are luxuries I know many hsing mothers do not have, can't afford, or wouldn't consider, but this is what helped me to do what I needed to do when dh was away.

 

My dh has always been an involved hsing parent-- when he is home --(he also works at home when he doesn't travel). He's left 'assignments', and talks to/emails the children daily. It's much eaiser now that they are older. There are certain subects he does with them because he chooses to. He leaves a list of work, and they email/chat daily. He was able to get our youngest to cheerfully take a unit math test while we were vacatioing in FL. "We're going to Harry Potter at Universal tomorrow. You need to do this math unti test today. " lol She did get 100% , so I suspect there is method to his madness. :) Hsing has given us a lot of flexibility. We can put things aside when we are together.

Edited May 1, 2011 by LibraryLover

[eternalknot]

Can anyone offer tips or give me hope about making homeschooling doable when DH is gone almost all of the day. In August my kids will be 5, 3, and 18mos. What are your weekends and evenings like when he is home? Is he responsible for anything house or school related? Do you ever get a break? Do you let your kids stay up late to spend time with him? Did you ditch family dinners? (I know a lot of that isn't schooling related, but we are discussing all things having a family related tonight).

 

My situation is probably different in that my husband works out of state and only stays with us two days each week. I have him 24 hours for each of those two days. On those days he does some school with the kids, either at the library or the park - weather permitting. This is my sit and chill time -- I catch up on chores, run errands, or sometimes just sit in bed and read. Whatever I feel like doing that morning. They come back for lunch, and we hang out as a family -- sometimes field trips, sometimes major work around the house (cleaning, gardening). In the evenings, he runs the kids around town with me to their various extracurriculars and we enjoy one weekly meal out at our favorite local restaurant.

 

I let the kids stay up late on the nights he drives in. THey're all ready for bed (teeth brushed, PJs on) and as soon as he gets in he reads them a story and puts them to bed. I usually spend an hour or so at the grocery store or Starbucks just getting much-needed downtime after a week of being alone with the kids. He texts me when they're asleep, and I come home and we hang out. He asks me what needs to be done, and does it - laundry caught up, dishes, etc. (That did take years of evolving to get to, and the trade-off is I don't make a big deal on the once every few weeks that he says he's not driving in because he needs time off to get things done or just have downtime of his own where he works.)

 

I have my family nearby to help whenever I need a break, or help with school. Since you don't, I agree that it'd be easier to still homeschool and decide on your OWN schedule (knowing it'll take time to work out the kinks until you find one that fits your family perfectly) rather than be enslaved in the school district's time schedule -- especially with kids in the napping stage! GOod luck tonight!

[cdrumm4448]

My DH works rotating swing shift, 12 hour days. Rotating meaning he works 4 on/4 off, but he worked 1,000 hours of overtime last year, so he's hardly ever home. He doesn't have evenings or weekends off, usually. So, I am usually alone with the kids 90% of the time. They go everywhere I go. Store, gyn. (they stay in the waiting room!), everywhere. It can be draining sometimes, but it's worth it to me to homeschool. My DH is not involved in any way in school, cooking, cleaning, or activities. When he is home, he's exhausted, so he plays card games with the kids. He also plays baseball outside with them when it's nice.

 

I do allow my children to stay up late sometimes to spend time with him. We don't always have family dinners because of my DH's job, not because of homeschooling. The kids have been able to spend more time with him because of homeschooling.

 

You can do whatever you put your mind to. I don't think many homeschooling moms have more than a small amount of help. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll eventually get somewhere.

[JMDRAD]

DH and I are going on our big date tonight (earlier this week we had a disagreement about homeschooling next year and tonight we are discussing it and what we want our lives to look like). One of DH's concerns is that I am overwhelmed and homeschooling would make me too busy. I got some good advice on that issue from the board a few days ago.

 

One issue is that he works a lot-at least 60 hours a week, plus he is in the army reserves so he has drills once a month. He thinks homeschooling would work if the dad (or non-homeschooling parent) could be more involved, but he just isn't as available. He usually leaves around 6am and gets home at 7pm M-F. So, I do almost everything- cooking, cleaning, errands, taking care of the kids, schooling the kids, etc. I do stay busy and would appreciate being able to grocery shop every once in a while without all three of them, but it is doable. I don't think adding K in would be all that much.

 

Can anyone offer tips or give me hope about making homeschooling doable when DH is gone almost all of the day. In August my kids will be 5, 3, and 18mos. What are your weekends and evenings like when he is home? Is he responsible for anything house or school related? Do you ever get a break? Do you let your kids stay up late to spend time with him? Did you ditch family dinners? (I know a lot of that isn't schooling related, but we are discussing all things having a family related tonight).

 

A little about our situation- My husband works long hours and has a very long commute. So he usually leaves around 6 in the morning and gets home around 8. But that's only when he's actually home. This year he will be away more than he will be home since he's traveling alot. He has very little involvement in our school. In fact, when I started a couple years ago he told me that he fully supports what I am doing but he does not want to be involved in teaching or picking out curriculum. In fairness though, he does not give me any kind of budget for school (he knows I'm not wasteful) and he does not give to many opinions on what I should be doing.

 

Homeschooling has worked out great for us though and we both believe it's the best choice for us. Because of his work hours and time away, our schedules are different from a lot of families out there. We homeschool all year long, over the summer and often on minor holidays (we also skipped spring break this year too). We take time off when he happens to be home or when he gets days off. We actually took the entire month of Dec. off because he was not working very much. I do let the kids stay up late with him and we often start school around 10 the next morning. As for family dinners, the kids and I eat around six or so. Eight at night is just too late for us. We try to make the weekends special though when he's home. It's not always ideal, but it's worked for us.

 

My parents live about 1/2 hour away. We see them every Sunday. I do not rely on them to give me regular breaks but they are more than willing to help out when I have appointments, etc. They are very supportive of our schooling choices but they too have no wish to be involved on a regular basis (I am completely fine with that. LOL).

 

That said, yes it gets hard at times. The dishes pile up, the floor is dirty, dinners are usually very simple, my living room is quite dusty right now... but this is our life we chose. Nothing is ever clean at one time in my house but I keep it half decent (usually :D).

 

You asked about the husband's house responsibilities when he's home...like I said he's gone more than he's home right now, but he does pitch in. He never says that he's worked hard all week and needs a break. If the outside work is done, he'll come in and help me do laundry or dishes or cooking or whatever needs done. We don't really delegate chores around here but we all pitch in and do what needs to be done.

 

I really do think you can make it work as long as he is understanding that things won't be perfect.

[Capt_Uhura]

Everyone has had some great ideas. I have nothing new to add really except to say that I do try to have the house all picked up by the time Dh gets home. He always calls to tell me he's on his way home which gives me 35min-40min of pick of time. I only have to do the family room and the kitchen. If those two areas are fine, he's fine.

 

By the time Friday rolls around, I'm usually done so Saturday mornings when he's out of the house at 8:45am for soccer practice, I spend that 1.5hrs cleaning the house so that when he returns from soccer, it's cleaned and straightened.

 

I would discuss w/ your DH your plans for keeping it all together and emphasize to him that YOU are not overwhelmed but perhaps he is. ANd then figure out what you can do to help him feel less overwhelmed.

[----]

.

Edited September 14, 2014 by amana

[NanceXToo]

So? How did date night go??

[TN Mama]

My husband was activated with his reserve unit 2 months after we started homeschooling. During his activation we did live together for 6 months, but the vast majority of our homeschooling journey I've been a single homeschooling parent. It can be done. Yes, I sometimes feel overwhelmed and no I absolutely cannot wait until we'll all be together again (SOON!). Homeschooling has offered much flexibility for us to be able to spend time with dh that ps never would have afforded.

[iquilt]

One of the reasons we started homeschooling was because my dh works long hours in his business. I had a 5, 3 and 2 year olds and the ps K schedule was horrible on our family. I had to find babysitters for the other two just to make it in for class parties and teacher conferences. It was ridiculous. I pulled her out at Thanksgiving and our lives got so much easier. I could keep all three together, we could go on field trips to the zoo without worrying about getting home for a school bus at a weird time, etc. HTH

[Susan in TX]

Homeschooling with a husband that works long hours and can't help isn't any harder than taking care of three children 5 and under with a husband that works long hours and can't help. In fact, I'd say that homeschooling is easier than taking care of three small children all alone. Your children are getting older everyday and unless you decide to add another baby to your family, things will get easier, not harder as time goes on.

 

I put all of mine in public school for a semester and it was much harder and more stressful than homeschooling. I spent as much time supervising homework as I did homeschooling, not to mention the time spent getting them to school and picking them up. I just don't think your dh realizes all the work that is involved with having a child in school.

 

And, no, my dh does not help at all with homeschooling and has had very long work hours in the past. At one time I had 6 children, ages 9 down to newborn. I was homeschooling 3 children and doing everything by myself with no help, except what chores the children could do. DH was working full time and part-time. He left around 6am and came home at 11pm 4-5 days a week. It can be done.

 

Susan in TX

[EJCMom]

We started homescooling because at that time my DH was an over-the-road truck driver. That way, when he was home the kids could spend time with him and not have to worry about being in school and missing the bulk of his time home. He's local now, but he's still gone 12 hours a day on average. The dear man has nothing to do with our homeschooling. And by nothing what I really mean is, he probably couldn't list all the subjects we're teaching, much less know what curriculum we're using or anything like that. His involvement with it begins and ends with, "Wow! I can't believe how well ds(5) is reading!" Because of his hours, as I'm sure you can imagine, he also doesn't do anything around the house. And what I mean by "doesn't do anything around the house," is, he doesn't put his own clothes in the hamper, he doesn't wash a dish, he doesn't fix a meal for the kids...N-O-T-H-I-N-G. He's just gone too many hours. Is it stressful? Yes. But there's nothing we can do about it. It just is what it is. So, it is possible to basically homeschool solo. It's just a matter of how important it is to you. BTW, my kids are 6, 5, and 3.

[HLDoll]

For the past several months, my husband has been gone at work from 6am-7pm and he is also in the National Guard. We still do family meals together around 5:30/6pm. On the rare occasion he is able to get home early, he joins us, but it's not a reason for the rest of us not to sit down together. He also deploys for 3 months about every 2 to 2.5 years. We do let the kids stay up later sometimes to spend some extra time with him, but not on a regular basis. There have been weeks where they didn't see him for 3 or 4 days. He finds activities that are educational and fun to do with them. The older two like to watch documentaries with him, and he and my son talk a lot about history and historical battles. He does ABC puzzles and games with the little ones. We're hoping the hours will get better when he starts a new job in a few weeks, but homeschooling with that kind of schedule is doable. You both really need to decide if you're committed to it. He recognizes when I'm frazzled and need to get out on my own for an evening or a weekend afternoon. When he's deployed our family and extended church family have been wonderful about stepping in and helping me with cooking, babysitting, yard work, etc.

Edited May 1, 2011 by HLDoll

[Garga]

I hope the OP tells us how date night went! I'm so curious!

[FairProspects]

No idea.

 

We are struggling with the same thing. Dh works 2 jobs and is gone from 6am-9pm most days. He also travels up to 25% of the time. He's so tired by the weekend that he mostly sleeps all weekend and if he is not sleeping, he does more paperwork for one of his jobs. I'm having health issues from all the stress of trying to do it all myself. I wish I could tell you I can handle it easily, but I can't.

 

I did end up joining a gym so I can go and be kid-free for awhile. I've also been swapping kids with a friend once a week to give me some errand time without little ones. We are currently exploring the idea of a housecleaner, so I can just worry about dishes, laundry and daily straightening when it comes to the house. I think you will need help of some kind, whether a gym, friends or paid help. That's the only way we are able to survive!

 

Oh, paper plates go a long way too, even if just for a season!

[fairfarmhand]

DH and I are going on our big date tonight (earlier this week we had a disagreement about homeschooling next year and tonight we are discussing it and what we want our lives to look like). One of DH's concerns is that I am overwhelmed and homeschooling would make me too busy. I got some good advice on that issue from the board a few days ago.

 

One issue is that he works a lot-at least 60 hours a week, plus he is in the army reserves so he has drills once a month. He thinks homeschooling would work if the dad (or non-homeschooling parent) could be more involved, but he just isn't as available. He usually leaves around 6am and gets home at 7pm M-F. So, I do almost everything- cooking, cleaning, errands, taking care of the kids, schooling the kids, etc. I do stay busy and would appreciate being able to grocery shop every once in a while without all three of them, but it is doable. I don't think adding K in would be all that much.

 

Can anyone offer tips or give me hope about making homeschooling doable when DH is gone almost all of the day. In August my kids will be 5, 3, and 18mos. What are your weekends and evenings like when he is home? Is he responsible for anything house or school related? Do you ever get a break? Do you let your kids stay up late to spend time with him? Did you ditch family dinners? (I know a lot of that isn't schooling related, but we are discussing all things having a family related tonight).

 

 

ummm you are describing my life with my dh. He actually likes homeschooling better w/the insane scedule because the kids can stay up till nine or so when he is late. Otherwise, they'd be off to bed not too long after he walked in the door.

 

I take care of the house and school stuff.

[lovinmyboys]

Thanks again for all of the responses. Our date went well. We get along great just the two of us-its the parenting together thing that we struggle with :) (in our defense, DH has been deployed for a total of 20 mos in the last 3 years so we are still pretty new at it).

 

Dh agreed with me that the homeschooling wasn't what was causing our life to be so busy and the house to kinda get neglected. It is much more the fact that we moved 9 mos ago to a place where we knew no one. Also, our baby started crawling the weekend we moved and he has been the most active one we have had. Sending DS to school next year won't help at all.

 

I also told him that this is just a season of our lives-which I think he still is unsure about. He isn't quite convinced that in a year our kids will be more able to do things themselves and won't be quite so needy. Also, 7:00 won't seem so late when the kids are older. Right now, they go to bed early so he gets home just before they go to bed-if he gets home on time.

 

I am sure that the homeschoolers we have met are the minority in that the DH helps (although most help by entertaining littles while big kids do school). But, that is all DH had seen so he thought it was almost a requirement.

 

So, I am really happy and excited to start homeschooling for real in the fall. I told DH that in the meantime I would really work on getting us on a good cleaning schedule and he is supposed to research age appropriate expectations (and a few other things).

[Ella]

My dh works fairly long hours as well. He leaves the house around 6:45 and isn't home til 6 pm usually. He often has evening dinners/client events as well, so a fair amount of the time he doesn't see the kids til the next day. He also needs me to accompany him to some of those, which further busies our schedule.

 

My children are 7.5, 6, 4 and 17 months. We have always homeschooled, but my two older girls did MDO one day a week when they were toddlers and I was expecting our third dd and it was helpful at that time as I had no other way to go to my appts, have a bit of a break, run a couple errands.

 

We have loved homeschooling and I'd probably recommend it in your situation. I agree that *probably* the K schedule would be even harder than spending an hour a day doing K with your son (that's about all it takes!). That being said, if you are overwhelmed, your health (mental or physical) is suffering as a result or your marriage is suffering, I would find some type of help. That might be MDO/preschool for your youngers, a mothers' helper or babysitter on a regular basis for you to take care of yourself, house cleaning help (I have had this since my 3rd child was born, once a week) or even putting your oldest in school if you thought that was the best solution. If you have family who would help regularly, even better, but I know most people don't have that (we don't!).

 

My dh reads to the children most evenings and is a wonderful father, but he is not home to do the hands-on homeschooling most of the time. I began to feel burned out this winter and we will be using a university model school next year. I didn't do it in K for my oldest b/c it just wasn't worth it to me to drive her to school (its just two days/week), have to be on the school schedule and lose the flexibility of full time hs and still have 3 littles at home to care for and then have to pick her up again. Full time homeschool was the best option *at that time* for our family. We have loved it. My children are very very close and they have been able to learn at their own developmental pace, which I think is especially critical in the early years.

 

I have actually been more overwhelmed this year trying to manage 1st, K, a 3 yo and a baby and meeting the needs of a very busy husband and household. The UMS near us is *so similar* to what we have been doing and want to do that it is a great fit for our family and we will still have the flexibility a few days a week and time all together that we love. The biggest draw for me this year was that my 3 older girls can all attend 2 days/week. To top it off, the church where the school meets also has an MDO program (the one where my dds went) that overlaps by one day. So I will have one day where they are all there and I only have to drive to one place. It wouldn't be worth it to me to drive all over town or only have one child at a school. And I wouldn't want them gone more than the two days. That is plenty for me.

 

Try to think of your educational choices on a year-by-year basis. I used to think we'd never do anything but full time school forever, but I am learning to take it year by year and seek out the best choice for our family each year.

 

The other thing that helps us is to schedule picking up time around 4:30 each day. I also tend to bathe the children right after that so the house is relatively neat, children are clean, calmer after the bath and in pjs and we are ready to eat when dh arrives home. If he is going to arrive after 6 pm or if we are just having a severe meltdown day, then I feed the children their "nursery tea" around 5 and they have reading time, Bible time and tuck ins with Daddy when he arrives. I love the ideal of the family dinner (we still do it several nights a week at least), but some days you just have to settle for calm fed children, calmer mommy and less chaos when dh arrives home. A good read on family life (whatever school option you choose) is For the Familys Sake by Susan Schaeffer Macaulay. She is a Christian though, just fyi.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Thanks again for all of the responses. Our date went well. We get along great just the two of us-its the parenting together thing that we struggle with :) (in our defense, DH has been deployed for a total of 20 mos in the last 3 years so we are still pretty new at it).

 

Dh agreed with me that the homeschooling wasn't what was causing our life to be so busy and the house to kinda get neglected. It is much more the fact that we moved 9 mos ago to a place where we knew no one. Also, our baby started crawling the weekend we moved and he has been the most active one we have had. Sending DS to school next year won't help at all.

 

I also told him that this is just a season of our lives-which I think he still is unsure about. He isn't quite convinced that in a year our kids will be more able to do things themselves and won't be quite so needy. Also, 7:00 won't seem so late when the kids are older. Right now, they go to bed early so he gets home just before they go to bed-if he gets home on time.

 

I am sure that the homeschoolers we have met are the minority in that the DH helps (although most help by entertaining littles while big kids do school). But, that is all DH had seen so he thought it was almost a requirement.

 

So, I am really happy and excited to start homeschooling for real in the fall. I told DH that in the meantime I would really work on getting us on a good cleaning schedule and he is supposed to research age appropriate expectations (and a few other things).

 

I have been where you are. I can assure you that eventually they will grow and be a little more helpful. (Of course, then they become teens and lose their brains for a few years . . .)

 

Do work on getting a good house routine. Make sure that you incorporate the kids in this. My kids are a huge help now, because they grew up doing dishes and sweeping and carrying laundry around. You can have them doing things like emptying bathroom trash, putting away silverware, folding towels, carrying laundry to the laundry room, and picking up their own toys. Eventually this will turn into emptying the dishwasher, folding more laundry, cleaning bathrooms, taking trash to the trash can, etc. Just start small and get them into the mindset that of course they have tasks around the house.

 

My dh has always gotten home pretty late. Homeschooling allowed us to have later dinner and bedtimes because the kids also slept later. Or maybe you could have them just finishing dinner as he gets home, so that he can help them get ready for bed while you make dinner for the two of you to enjoy after bedtime. (I was often ready to hand my kids over to someone else around this time.)

 

While there were a couple years where dh could at least come with us on weekend trips to museums, he has rarely been involved with daily school. Honestly, I'm thrilled if he's even in the same country as we are. Or if he can come to a scout event or a museum. I don't expect that he is going to carry a significant load of instruction. I do hope that he'll be able to read them stories or tinker with them in the yard or tell them the history behind some event at a museum we're visiting (dh has a historical background) or other dad-kid bonding and sharing.