Love2Smile Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 (edited) I did not expect people to get uspset with me for my asking this question so I am deleting my question. Not everyone knows the past abuse and disfunction in my family so this board is not the appropriate place to ask this question. Thanks for your time. Edited April 17, 2011 by Love2Smile Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 I think it's tacky. My siblings and I hosted a family reunion a number of years back. We split the bill for the food, hall etc. but we were sharing the hosting duties. We did not bill the extended family that we invited to the reunion. They are family but were also our guests. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love2Smile Posted April 17, 2011 Author Share Posted April 17, 2011 (edited) I think it's tacky. My siblings and I hosted a family reunion a number of years back. We split the bill for the food, hall etc. but we were sharing the hosting duties. We did not bill the extended family that we invited to the reunion. They are family but were also our guests. , Edited April 17, 2011 by Love2Smile Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 We just got invited to a family reunion. It's at a park and it's being catered. And I think they're asking $12 a head to be thrown in to cover the costs. I guess I don't have a problem with it in my case. I'm sure 100 invites went out and I don't think the organizer should be out funds to get a group of people who haven't been together for YEARS. I guess you know your circumstances best. I think it's fine to decline the invitation if you're not comfortable with it. I think it's great if someone is willing to pick up the costs of hosting 50 people. But I don't think having a family reunion like this is all that unusual or shocking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 This one is a bit tough for me. Sure, you are right, people shouldn't host a party and then charge guests. BUt... It is a family reunion. I don't understand why the person (in any family-not just yours) should have to do all the work to send invitations, prep for a party, decorate, share their house (or rent a hall), rent chairs, do clean up, send and promised pictures afterwards (you know that always happens because they are the ones with the contact info), host any overnight guests that they have room for (that can get expensive too), do all the work during the party (so they miss the fun themselves) and pay for it all from the first stamps on the invites to the final garbage bill. Just because on person offers to coordinate a party, doesn't mean they should have to foot the bill for it. Some families are great at pot-luck style parties, some are not. If you feel like the $$ is too much, maybe you can offer to come help take care of something for the host in lieu of your portion of the food bill. I wouldn't have a problem paying for my family to attend, especially if that meant the host/hostess wouldn't be in the kitchen all the time guests are there. I would bet, if it were more socially acceptable to ask for help, there would be more family reunions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love2Smile Posted April 17, 2011 Author Share Posted April 17, 2011 (edited) . Edited April 17, 2011 by Love2Smile Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 That does seem steep for an event that isn't held at a restaurant. However, I don't see anything wrong with splitting the cost of food, etc. at a reunion in general, as that is a joint family event. Just because they're holding it at their home doesn't mean it's "their" party and should have to foot the bill for everything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 the thing is I don't know any of these people. They are total strangers to me. Then don't go. Even less reason to be upset about it. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love2Smile Posted April 17, 2011 Author Share Posted April 17, 2011 (edited) . Edited April 17, 2011 by Love2Smile Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 Seems to me that with a family reunion, the hosts should foot the bill of hosting, as many of the family will be forking over $$ to just be there...travel expenses and so forth. At the least there should be some kind of "if traveling from out of state" discount. I think it's tacky for sure. If most folks are local, do it potluck style, byob. Practical, cheap, and not tacky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love2Smile Posted April 17, 2011 Author Share Posted April 17, 2011 (edited) . Edited April 17, 2011 by Love2Smile Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 the thing is I don't know any of these people. They are total strangers to me. I don't know anyone that's going to be at my family reunion either. I'm going to keep the peace with my mom. :glare: If you don't have any ramifications, I think it's fine to decline. I'd actually LOVE to skip mine. But it has nothing to do with the cost of the meal. I can just think of many other ways I'd rather spend an empty Saturday afternoon. Mine involves overnight travel too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love2Smile Posted April 17, 2011 Author Share Posted April 17, 2011 (edited) . Edited April 17, 2011 by Love2Smile Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love2Smile Posted April 17, 2011 Author Share Posted April 17, 2011 (edited) . Edited April 17, 2011 by Love2Smile Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Koerarmoca Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 We had a big bash for my grandparents 50th a few years ago before they passed. I did the invites and my family that lived in PA did all the leg work rentals and such. The had me add to the invitations to bring a covered dish or make a donation (it was partially catered) I made a donation as I was flying from FL to PA and wasn't going to bring a dish. my family is not well off so this seemed like a good solution to having a decent party. We had more food than what we knew what to do with and everyone gave generously that we where able to buy my grandparents a new living room set. It worked out well. I would never ask for a specific amount per person no less. We are a family of 6 but my kids would never eat $15 worth of food each. I just would not attend or I would maybe say I will pay $30 for my husband and I but kids eat free at most buffets. I think the $15 per person is pretty tacky especially at someones home. ETA: I wouldn't even take my family out to eat someplace that would cost $15 each for us to eat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samiam Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 It is not a party, but a family reunion. Why would ONE family be expected to host, arrange, AND pay for everyone to eat, regardless of their $$$$ situation??? Every large family reunion that I have ever been invited to was either 1. Pay for your "heads" at the main meal if it was catered, OR 2. Bring a dish to share. While, yes, I do agree that $15 sounds a bit pricey for a Mexican buffet, but then again, just what is included? Is it just taco fixings? Or are there burritos, enchiladas, etc etc etc etc??? In the end, while I do think it was a little selfish for them to pick a meal that is pretty expensive, without considering other family members, on the other hand, I am a bit aghast that you would think because the planning family has $$$, they should pay for EVERYONE to eat. I mean, people will cancel, people may even not show up with out notification and then the host family is out that money....is that right? Have you ever hosted a large gathering? It takes time, effort and probably some output of $$$ to make sure is in order for a large group of people. Likely they have already invested $$$ on just the little things, but those little things add up when you are talking family reunions, ie large groups. In the end, you can attend the reunion, but bow out of the meal, go eat elsewhere during that time if needed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 I assume an event that each person is charged $15, also includes the labor to set up the food, serve, and clean up. It isn't just the food that is being paid for. I would guess that the $15 per person is what the caterer charges. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 I do think this is normal for a family reunion. I know my dh has a huge family reunion every couple of years and it is pricey. We don't usually go because it's in he midwest & we don't know anyone there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 Seems to me that with a family reunion, the hosts should foot the bill of hosting, as many of the family will be forking over $$ to just be there...travel expenses and so forth. At the least there should be some kind of "if traveling from out of state" discount. I think it's tacky for sure. If most folks are local, do it potluck style, byob. Practical, cheap, and not tacky. But they are opening up their home to people, putting in all the time and effort to plan the party and paying for all the incedentals (invites/postage/napkins/table clothes/cups/drinks/portapotty/chairs/tables....) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 (edited) Are we suposed to know everyone at a family reunion? Isn't the purpose of such an event to meet/reconnect/get to know? LOL These are often infrequent gatherings, no? As for money...these are not birthday parties or weddings, so perhaps it's ok to share costs? Who owns a family reuinion? Charge me for a wedding and I would be embarassed for you, but to share in reunion costs seems something much different. Edited April 17, 2011 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZooRho Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 I don't have a problem with people asking for help with the food. Everyone has to eat. I the olden days it was a potluck. In fact we have two different family reunions. the Grandparent siblings and below renunion held at the family church-Potluck--sadly now the potluck is no longer the homecooked stuff, but it is mostly bought KFC, or other take out type food. Everyone pretty much brings things. I'm sure there are a few that don't do anything. But that would be the exception. Then there is my mom's family reunion the day before. The "first" one ended up being a bridal shower for a cousin. It was nice for it to just be "our" family so they have done it every year now. They ask for help with things. I don't think they "charge" as such, but I know people chip in and /or bring things for it. They do a lot of work to get it all set up. I think it is only fair that people chip in to help for it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindergretta Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 I am actually surprised that anyone would think that one part of a family should host and foot the bill for a family reunion. :001_huh: With my father's family, my grandmother was the oldest of 13. My father is the oldest of only 3. But anyway, the relatives are literally all over the world - PNW, Tennessee, Germany, England... There are periodic reunions and those who can, travel to attend and those who can't (usually us :lol: ) don't. But with such a huge family, I can't fathom any one branch (or family unit) footing such a bill. Other folks' travel expenses aren't the "fault" of the hosts. Nor should income be a factor in who should pay. I know within my own family, some members have pitched in to help other members attend. But that is between individuals, kwim? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoveBaby Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 In our family, we all pitch in for food at the family reunion. It is a 3 day weekend. My aunt and uncle will host the main gathering at their place, but then each of the "great-uncles" has one meal that their extended family is in charge of. My grandfather was one of 7 and there are 17 grandchildren and well, they've been very prolific! LOL So it's easy to top close to 100 when we all show up! In years past we have had one main meal that was catered and there was a fee for it for each person. I can't remember how much, but it seemed pretty reasonable to ask that individuals helped cover some of the cost of the reunion. We've always been more than happy to do so and look forward to it every 2 years! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 I think it's tacky, too. My parents had some VERY rich friends who invited them to dinner. They served lobster. At the end of the meal the friends told my parents how much they owed them. Really? :svengo: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 It sounds like you (OP) already had issues with your family and whether you would go, and the money was just the icing on the cake. It would not bother me to be asked to pay that amount. It's a lot of work and money to host any large function. What people "should" and "shouldn't" do seems irrelevant to me. It just serves to feel righteous. I might have felt like the OP when I was in my 20s because of my youth and inexperience and general resentment about my family, but i no longer feel that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Sherry Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 My dads family (cousins) are having a family reunion. They used to do this a lot in the olden days and are putting one on again this summer. This year someone from Sweden (some distant relative) is going to be there. These are my dad relatives and I don't really know any of them. They have $$$ Anyway, I got the invitation in the mail the other day. They are having a Mexican buffet. They want each person to pay $15.00. Not each FAMILY, but each PERSON! this really infuriates me. I don't even know these people hardly. I told my parents we would not be attending. Is this what people do these days? Charge money for parties they are hosting? There is not going to be a lot of people, maybe 50 or less. Most have died off by now anyway:nopity: So what do you think about this? A Mexican buffet cannot be THAT expensive and like I said, this family has mucho $$ You really think that it's up to some individual in the family to foot the bill for the entire family reunion. I doubt $15 will even cover the cost of everything. It seems to me that you just don't want to go anyway so that small amount seems to annoy you. I can't imagine that it would annoy you if this was an event you were looking forward to. Just don't go. The last family reunion I went to was pot luck style. I'm sure I spent more that $15 on the food I contributed and it cost someone additional money for extras that were provided. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 (edited) I think it depends on whether it's an actual party they are hosting as such, or whether it's simply a get-together that everyone wants to do but they're co-ordinating it. From what I have heard/experienced, it's not uncommon for people to be invited to events and asked to pay, including more traditional events such as weddings (some dear friends of mine did this, and we were all very happy to pay, because they couldn't have afforded the wedding otherwise, and we thought it was nice that all of us being there to share the day was the best wedding gift. How exactly is wanting to have your friends eat a modest meal with you on your wedding day "tacky"?). Personally, if I really wanted to go to this, I'd find a way to spare the money. As for the amount, I'd feel $15 a head is quite a bit for a simple/casual meal, unless that's $15 for adults and teens, with little people thrown in free? Perhaps if you feel it's too much, you could organize the next one as a potluck or whatever would suit you best? ETA: Denise, I do agree that in your parents' story it was tacky, but only because guests hadn't been asked beforehand. Edited April 17, 2011 by Hotdrink Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Celia Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 I don't think it's unreasonable, whether they have lots of money or not. I think it's great that they're willing to put in the time and effort to keep their family connected. I would hate to think that families shouldn't go ahead and have family reunions because no one was willing to foot the whole bill on their own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 My dh's family has a huge family reunion every year. A lot of people bring food, some bring money to cover other things like a bouncy for kids or what ever extra they are doing that year. There is usually about 100 people there. There isn't a charge, but it isn't catered either. If I had any interest in getting to know these people and could reasonably afford the $15 a person, I would go, it doesn't matter whether they have money or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
courtney.byrum Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 We've always had to pay when my Dad's family has a large extended family reunion. That's usually at most every 5 years or so. When it's just my more immediate family(aunts, uncles, cousins) people usually brought food to share and split all costs and whatnot. The larger reunions could have upwards of 100-150 people and required a lot of time and work to have run smoothly. We have to travel across the country now when we see the majority of my family so we wouldn't really be able to bring anything and they are usually catered anyways due to the quantity of people involved. This summer is a small reunion so I'm sure it will be a bit different as it will be only about 25 people and that includes all the kids (6, 5, 2, 10 months). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 MIL's family does an annual reunion since the 1960's. It is organized by committee. Each person attending chips in $10-12. There are events before the day of the reunion and afterwards. It is a big deal in her family. A newsletter goes out afterwards to those (i.e. us kids) who couldn't attend. I think it is fair to ask for $15 per person as drinks and tip for the buffet can run $150-200 for 10 people alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
susankenny Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 I think their request is acceptable because it is a family reunion. It isn't just a party, but rather, it's a place for relatives to reunite. If you don't know a soul, and think the invitation is absurd, simply do not attend. Susan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momofkhm Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 My dads family (cousins) are having a family reunion. They used to do this a lot in the olden days and are putting one on again this summer. This year someone from Sweden (some distant relative) is going to be there. These are my dad relatives and I don't really know any of them. They have $$$ Anyway, I got the invitation in the mail the other day. They are having a Mexican buffet. They want each person to pay $15.00. Not each FAMILY, but each PERSON! this really infuriates me. I don't even know these people hardly. I told my parents we would not be attending. Is this what people do these days? Charge money for parties they are hosting? There is not going to be a lot of people, maybe 50 or less. Most have died off by now anyway:nopity: So what do you think about this? A Mexican buffet cannot be THAT expensive and like I said, this family has mucho $$ At our family reunion that's every other year, there is a family farm. The farm was once owned by grandma and grandpa Pugh. When they both died, it passed equally to their 4 sons. Now as the uncles are dieing, it is being passed to their children. What we've always done is the money comes out of the farm check. No one's check is any that big, no one lives off the farm's proceeds anymore. So whatever the farm makes this year, it will pay whomever footed the bill for the food for the reunion and then split accordingly to whomever gets a check. So for me the reunion has always been free. (When my mom passes, I'll inherit 1/16 of the farm, if mom hasn't sold it by then.) But in direct answer to your question, yes, I do believe a Mexican buffet can cost that much. When a class reunion can cost almost $100 each which includes heavy appetizers, venue, band/dj, cash bar. A prom including dinner, picture, venue, dj is $50 each. I can easily see it costing that much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paisley Hedgehog Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 I don't see a problem with it. If it's a family reunion, it shouldn't be all on one family to pay for it. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 (edited) It's a family reunion. I wouldn't mind splitting the bill equally among the guests. If my side of the family were to have a reunion, that would be the only way that we could afford to do it. No one on my side of the family has the money to foot the bill for even a modest reunion. If you don't want to go, then don't. It's not a big deal. I would gladly pay $15.00 per head to spend a day with my extended family. I wouldn't care if some international guest had to pay his $15.00 or not. I wouldn't even think twice about it, to be honest. Maybe you do not feel that way about your family? You said you don't know any of them. Edited April 17, 2011 by Pretty in Pink Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 A family reunion is not a party. I find it kind of sad that you feel so harshly about your extended family. You keep saying that the hosts are your dad's relatives. I hate to break it to you but that means they are your relatives, not just your dad's. Families do all sorts of things to pay for reunion costs. They have raffles, T-shirt sales, and ante up funds. Some families do a combination of all three. For some families the coordinating duties rotate between small family units. For others coordinating duties are done by committee of family members. Coordinating duties should not be confused with hosting duties. Whereas a host of a party pays for the venue, flowers, food, etc., the coordinators of a family reunion usually do not. They have to deal with budgeting and obnoxious family members who think they deserve a say yet Mr. Obnoxious couldn't be bothered to attend a committee meeting. You know the type. All that on top of venue, flowers, food and normal party duties. It is generally a headache for all coordinators involved. There is no rule that says each member of the family has to attend a reunion. You are free to continue to not know your relatives. No one will think badly of you. But do send an RSVP letting the coordinating family know you won't be attending. On the other hand, you said there are only about 50 of them left. Why don't you try to get to know them. Once they are gone, they are gone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 They have raffles, T-shirt sales, and ante up funds. I remember my husband's side of the family doing a raffle one year, and last year we all bought tshirts and water bottles to help raise the money. We were glad to do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amydavis Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 Okay, I usually read all the replies first, but I'm short on time this morning. My first thoughts. I believe I saw that the OP stated she didn't even know the people. Well, in my opinion, that's typically how most reunions are. I mean, the family that is closest in, your immediate aunts/uncles/cousins, etc - well, you already know them and probably have chances to see them (unless you live far away). I dunno...in our family, reunions are a chance to see/meet distant cousins, etc. that you don't really have a chance to at any other time. So, I wouldn't let that be a huge factor. Reunions are for reuniting... As for the food, our family does a potluck, so that is all I know. I struggle with this one, because yes, if I host a party, I pay for it all. But, in the case of a reunion, I think of it more as someone has to orchestrate it. I mean, if someone doesn't take the initiative, then it just wouldn't happen. Maybe when she was putting feelers out about it, people thought it would be easier to pay a little, than have to prepare and transport a dish... I just don't think I would find it fair for one family to foot the bill for a family function. I find it hospitable that this family took the initiative, gave a place to hold the event, and took care of all the planning and organizing. Maybe once I read further into the thread, there will be something to change my mind. But those are my first thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferdie Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 It is not a party, but a family reunion. Why would ONE family be expected to host, arrange, AND pay for everyone to eat, regardless of their $$$$ situation??? Every large family reunion that I have ever been invited to was either 1. Pay for your "heads" at the main meal if it was catered, OR 2. Bring a dish to share. While, yes, I do agree that $15 sounds a bit pricey for a Mexican buffet, but then again, just what is included? Is it just taco fixings? Or are there burritos, enchiladas, etc etc etc etc??? In the end, while I do think it was a little selfish for them to pick a meal that is pretty expensive, without considering other family members, on the other hand, I am a bit aghast that you would think because the planning family has $$$, they should pay for EVERYONE to eat. I mean, people will cancel, people may even not show up with out notification and then the host family is out that money....is that right? Have you ever hosted a large gathering? It takes time, effort and probably some output of $$$ to make sure is in order for a large group of people. Likely they have already invested $$$ on just the little things, but those little things add up when you are talking family reunions, ie large groups. In the end, you can attend the reunion, but bow out of the meal, go eat elsewhere during that time if needed. :iagree: I think it is normal to ask for everyone to chip in on a family reunion. The $15 probably includes a caterer that is charging to set up, clean up, appetizers, dinner, dessert and drinks. At our family reunions everyone brings a side dish and drinks to share. It doesn't add up to $15 per person, but we spend a lot of time setting up, cleaning up and washing dishes. I can understand your frustration at the price since $15 X the number of family members adds up fast. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love2Smile Posted April 17, 2011 Author Share Posted April 17, 2011 A family reunion is not a party. I find it kind of sad that you feel so harshly about your extended family. You keep saying that the hosts are your dad's relatives. I hate to break it to you but that means they are your relatives, not just your dad's. Families do all sorts of things to pay for reunion costs. They have raffles, T-shirt sales, and ante up funds. Some families do a combination of all three. For some families the coordinating duties rotate between small family units. For others coordinating duties are done by committee of family members. Coordinating duties should not be confused with hosting duties. Whereas a host of a party pays for the venue, flowers, food, etc., the coordinators of a family reunion usually do not. They have to deal with budgeting and obnoxious family members who think they deserve a say yet Mr. Obnoxious couldn't be bothered to attend a committee meeting. You know the type. All that on top of venue, flowers, food and normal party duties. It is generally a headache for all coordinators involved. There is no rule that says each member of the family has to attend a reunion. You are free to continue to not know your relatives. No one will think badly of you. But do send an RSVP letting the coordinating family know you won't be attending. On the other hand, you said there are only about 50 of them left. Why don't you try to get to know them. Once they are gone, they are gone. Yes, I do feel that bad about my family and it is sad. There has been physical and emotional abuse my entire life, so maybe that is why I complained. Sorry I started this thread. I am not on speaking terms with any family members except my mother so this "bill" to attend this reunion was a slap in my face. Perhaps if I grew up in a functional/loving family I would have been glad to be a part of a reunion or help with it.But since I would be facing my abusers it didn't feel that way. I wish I never started this thread Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 You don't have to go, and that is fine. No reason needed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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