Jody Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 We have three generations living in the same house. It is us and children along with my widowed dad. We only lived here like this for now 6 months, but it has been such a blessing. My mom died all of a sudden leaving my dad who is in excellent health. However, he has a large property to take care of. (4 hours of mowing alone) He is 77 years old and I believe was very lonely. My husband lost his good paying job the same month my mom died. We were strapped to the hilt and this all came about. My dad had planned that down the road when they would need help he would offer maybe a grandchild to move in when they got married. Well, it happened quickly for my mom. She died in 5 days of discovering she had two brain tumors. Anyway, on the radio the other day this was being discussed of how this is happening at a higher percent. 2010 was a bad year, but yet now I can see God working in a total opposite way. It felt like the world was falling, but wow it bought major changes that just might be the best thing that happened. I get tears somedays when I think of us having the best opportunity ever. My children will never forget the times they had helping my dad. They help him go threw all those boxes of things that have been packed away for 25 years. They found some treasures. We hear stories of when he was a child too. I think you can hear them but yet things come up when always around them. We have our own area of the house and he has his own fully furnished area as well. I encourage anyone that if this comes up down the road to try it. It really can work. I think of the Walton TV show. If you do this now please share! Also, anyone have blogs or forums that relate to this topic. I think it is a comfort for him to know he will be living here to the end. At least we hope to take care of him unless the unthinkable happens. This is where I wish I could share with mom what happened and she would be glad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda in VT Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 :D We have done multi-generational living, and I agree that it can be a blessing to all involved. However, it does have its challenges, which is why I find the typo in your post funny. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt_Uhura Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 What a wonderful post! Thank you for sharing! What a gift you've given your father as well as your children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt_Uhura Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 :D We have done multi-generational living, and I agree that it can be a blessing to all involved. However, it does have its challenges, which is why I find the typo in your post funny. :lol: I did too! LOVE IT! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 Nice Freudian slip. :lol: I think it just depends on good relationships already being in place. If things are strained if you spend a lot of time together then it probably wouldn't work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 What works beautifully for one family is a tour through the depths of hell for another. Its so dependant on the personalities involved, there really isn't a one size fits all scenario. For us, our family would implode under the weight of my MIL. Its not what we dream of, having to tell her no, but we also know that we simply couldn't survive. I hate the guilt that gets heaped on family members that can't manage generational living. We've had run ins with MIL's sibs over it. *sigh* I'm glad its working out for you, and wish you all the continued best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flobee76 Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 I grew up in a multi-generational home. It was wonderful. I have amazing memories of my grandparents, their stories, cooking, and help with the home. It was such a blessing to have them there. My husband and I have both decided that we would want my parents to live with us if the need ever arose. Granted, the live just a block away and the kids see them on a daily basis... so, it's almost the same thing. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlessedMom Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 Glad to hear it is working so well for your family and that everyone is blessed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 At the economy gets worse, this is becoming increasingly common. As it once was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 I though this was going to be a funny story from the subject line. :D Instead, it's sweet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 Sometimes it doesn't work out though, and those of us who can't do that shouldn't feel guilty if other arrangements have to be made. It is a long, sad story, but I have a relative who abused both their children and spouse, and when dementia took over, the situation worsened and worsened to the point that they were nearly committed to the state mental hospital last fall after years of trying different medications and behavioral approaches. Now they're in a nursing home with 24/7 medication and behavior support, and I have nothing but gratitude for the people that work there. Somehow they keep them reasonably happy and calm like no one else could. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 :D We have done multi-generational living, and I agree that it can be a blessing to all involved. However, it does have its challenges, which is why I find the typo in your post funny. :lol: :iagree: We've lived with my MIL at one point and had BIL/SIL/kids live with us and had uncle/cousin live with us (this last being the best situation...had it's challenges, but we did like having them). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jody Posted April 16, 2011 Author Share Posted April 16, 2011 Sorry for the mishap on the title! I wasn't thinking when I type it! Oh no and I homeschool! Better take spelling again. No, I realized this couldn't happen for everyone. I don't think my inlaws would be a good fit with us. So no, if it wouldn't be a good situation don't do it. My brother and wife I don't believe would be a good fit. That is why we are here. My brother said, it will be up to us to keep him out of the home. We are so like minded when it came to my parents. They helped us alot do work on our house. I also now know why I was 12 years behind my brother, because we are young enough to handle the challenge. I just see it all playing out what God had in his plan. I was delighted to hear you have had some good experiences. I am sorry for the people who didn't but I guess that can be expected. We all have different ideas on things and that is ok. God made us all different and has different plans for each of us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jane in NC Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 Sharon Astyk has written extensively on this. You can read one of her blog posts here. Somewhere she wrote about an elderly relative in decline who lived with her family. She said that while the grandmother could not cook or do the heavy work, she could rock babies like nobody's business. Everyone has their role to play, I think. I wish you well. Jane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purplewoman Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 It has been working out very well for our family. My kids and I first moved in with my parents 10 years ago when my husband wanted a divorce. We did move out for a year and a half when my kids were younger, but decided to move back home again. I was working full-time to pay for a junky apartment and my parents were always coming over to help out with my kids whenever someone got sick. My mother also has limited mobility, and I was always going over to my parents house to help her out. It just made sense to combine forces again. I will say, this situation is ideal for my kids. They are extremely close to my parents. My parents provide another level of security I could never provide on my own. I also do think my parents genuinely like having us there. My parents asked me years ago if we could just make this permanent and I agreed. Now, I wouldn't change it for the anything. My parents have said, though, they would never be able to have my sister live in their house. They have very different personalities and they would drive each other nuts. Heck, sometimes she drives us all nuts anyway and she lives 5 miles away. (I dearly love her, though!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meriwether Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 My Dh and I would have my parents in a heart beat. If we ever build, we will pick a plan that would give them their own space if they needed it. If my In-laws needed, absolutely needed, a place to stay, we would have them. I shudder to think about it, though. We would provide for them as well as we could without actually living with them if they could get by with daily help or assisted living. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ks-sunflower Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 We survived 10 months of my 93 yo mil with severe dementia living with us because we didn't want to put her in a nursing home from assisted living. But it was just too much, 24x7 care with the unpredictability and personality-disordering of dementia. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharon H in IL Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 We have my MIL (90) living almost with us, in an apartment my DH designed and she paid to have built on to our house. She joins us for supper every evening. As her mental status declines, I have been taking her breakfast every morning and checking on her meds. She has always had home helpers take her out for shopping and hair appointments and such. Since she began having mini-strokes and falling, we have occupational therapists, physical therapists, nurses and such come several days a week. We just called for a morning helper to come daily. That's getting set up now. We used to do respite care for my own dear and beloved grandmother, when she lived with my brother and his large family after her Alzheimer's disease began apparent. My MIL was jealous of my grandma, because of how we all loved one another. Her relationship with her own son (my DH) is nothing like that, much less our own relationship, or that of her and the grandsons. As another poster said, if the underlying relationship is strong and loving before the move, it can work well. If the relationship was strained to begin with, moving in will definitely strain it further. We've been able to make it work, despite a lot of bumps, because MIL can afford to pay for in home caregivers. She would definitely be in a nursing home by now if she had stayed in the retirement home where she had been before. But her quality of life here is excellent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 We have told our ILs that we are open to this idea in the future IF we find something with a completely separate living space for them (separate entrance, door required to get into our space). If it was just my FIL, I would be totally fine having him living in the same house w/us, but w/MIL it would have to be an IL apartment or I'd probably kill her. Our personalities clash and whenever she is in my house, she always seems to be occupying the space I need to use -- especially when it comes to the kitchen. I would love to have my mom live with us, but she's way too independent. I've told her our home is always open to her if she ever changes her mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 We are actually designing a floor plan now that will give us a 1 bedroom apartment in the lower level---walkout so accessible even in a wheelchair. I know several families that have done this and it has worked out well. I think a key is communication as well as each one having their OWN space. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debbie in OR Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 This is very interesting timing for this thread. We just bought a house together with my parents for several reasons, the main one being we thought it would be a great opportunity for our kids to really get to know their grandparents. We were just over at the house today cleaning the kitchen and moving yet another load (this has been two month long process) and all day, I've been wondering how this is going to be. The house is huge (around 4500 sf) and my parents have their own self-contained floor complete with private entrance, laundry room, kitchen and then we have the two upper floors. I think that will help...to have our own completely private space. We also kept our current house and will be renting it out.... In my mind, it's going to be like the Waltons. But then I hear friends say they wouldn't even consider living in the same town as their parents, much less the same house. And I think, "What in the world have we done?" But I have always had a good relationship with them and I enjoy being around them. My kids adore them. My dh enjoys them and is a saint and he's happy to do this because he knows the kids really want to do it. So, it's going to be just fine. Right?! I'm rambling a bit but I guess I appreciate you posting this today of all days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 I really don't think I could live with my parents. Maybe I could but dh definitely couldnt! And my mother's mother went to a nursing home- no way could mum have coped with her. But I can actually imagine myself living with my own kids when I am old. We have had a good relationship in their childhood and I would love to be around my grandkids and to live in an extended family situation. I say that as someone who loves her own space a lot! I would need my own independent living area, even if just a granny flat. I think it is going to happen more and more and overall its a good thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 after my dad died I brought my mother home to live with us. She had many health conditions and end stage dementia. Still, it was the biggest blessing for me and my kids. Dh was SUCH a trooper! It was So wonderful for my kids! BUT, mil is in a nursing home. We could never live with her. EVER. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen in CO Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 My mother lives with us most of the year. It is mostly terrific, and it is great for the kids. She usually spends three or four months a year visiting her sisters, staying with my brother, or staying with my sister. We don't have a large, grand house with a separate space for he, but she does have her own room. Over the years, we've worked out many of the problems that such closeness causes. I picture me living with my kids when I too old for my future sailboat, and I know that my kids are planning for me to live with them and help rock their babies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 For our family, combat would be an appropriate word! My mother and DH's mother are both nuts! Now, either of our fathers would be welcome. Dawn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 This is very interesting timing for this thread. We just bought a house together with my parents for several reasons, the main one being we thought it would be a great opportunity for our kids to really get to know their grandparents. We were just over at the house today cleaning the kitchen and moving yet another load (this has been two month long process) and all day, I've been wondering how this is going to be. The house is huge (around 4500 sf) and my parents have their own self-contained floor complete with private entrance, laundry room, kitchen and then we have the two upper floors. I think that will help...to have our own completely private space. We also kept our current house and will be renting it out.... In my mind, it's going to be like the Waltons. But then I hear friends say they wouldn't even consider living in the same town as their parents, much less the same house. And I think, "What in the world have we done?" But I have always had a good relationship with them and I enjoy being around them. My kids adore them. My dh enjoys them and is a saint and he's happy to do this because he knows the kids really want to do it. So, it's going to be just fine. Right?! I'm rambling a bit but I guess I appreciate you posting this today of all days. I think the bolded part is a tremendous factor in potential success. I'm very quick to say that we don't plan to have any of the 'rents move in with us, but a house bigger than both of the current ones combined would certainly make it easier, along with separate entrances and other factors that emphasize separate space. It's much, much harder, imo, when all the common spaces are shared. You guys sound like you have considered a lot of the pitfalls and planned around them, so yes, I do think it just might be fine! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debbie in OR Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 I think the bolded part is a tremendous factor in potential success. I'm very quick to say that we don't plan to have any of the 'rents move in with us, but a house bigger than both of the current ones combined would certainly make it easier, along with separate entrances and other factors that emphasize separate space. It's much, much harder, imo, when all the common spaces are shared. You guys sound like you have considered a lot of the pitfalls and planned around them, so yes, I do think it just might be fine! katilac, thank you for the encouragement! We did spend time trying to figure out what would be the things that would really cause friction and through those conversations, realized we need to each have seperate but attached living spaces. Cooking was what my mom was worried about, bills paid on time was my dad's concern; the garage storage being taken over without much say in it was my dh's concern. Noise from my mom's TV was what I was concerned about. But we have talked and after seeing this house, realized it could be almost perfect, '' We spent our first night here last night without incident :tongue_smilie:...now for the rest of our time here.... Anyhow, thanks again for pointing that out...I'm going to hang on to that in the days ahead:001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 I grew up in a multi-generational home - not only grandparents, but aunts and uncles and cousins as well. We had a revolving door of various relatives come to live with us, some for months and others for years. I also had six siblings, so the house was full even without the added generations. My youngest sister is only two and four months (respectively) older than one of nephews and one of our neices, both of whom lived with us for several years while all three were young. All are close to one another, and crazy close to our grandparents (who were caregivers during those early years). It's a model that proved successful in my family, and that I was happy to replicate when I got older. I lived with my parents for several years. Actually I only just moved out last year, but that's a bit misleading. The kids and I still spend 3-5 nights per week and most of our days over at my parents' house (we still have our own room there). The kids' dad started to visit them weekly, so that's when we semi-moved into the place he bought for me years ago; we usually only stay there on the days he is in town. It's about 1/2 mile down the road from my parents' house. I have one grandmother who lives with my parents for most of the year. I have one brother, SIL, and nephew living there currently. Plus us. My kids have an amazing relationship with all of them. So do I, for that matter. That brother is my son's baseball coach, and I'm the caregiver for my toddler nephew. Our lives are so intertwined, but that's how we like it to be. We function as one family unit, rather than separate units within a family. There are separate bedrooms, but no separate living spaces. And separate bedrooms don't really mean much, we have an open door policy for all rooms -- any kid or person is welcome anywhere, we don't really have any need to segregate ourselves, our things, or our space (probably because none of us grew up with the luxury of doing so!) I worry that my kids are becoming too Americanized, or that they'll marry someone who doesn't share our value of this type of arrangement. Fortunately our family is large, so that if my own children decide this arrangment won't work for them (me living with them) odds are someone will take me in LOL. Cousins, neices, nephews, ... I don't so much worry that I'll ever be alone. I find comfort in that. It's encouraging to see other families trying out this way of living. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veritaserum Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 I'm glad it works for some people. I just had to ask MIL and FIL to move out. We have a large house (~5,000 sq. feet) and my ILs had their own kitchen, laundry, bath, entrance, etc. On paper it looked great. Before they moved in with us, I had only seen with them for 1-2 week stretches 1-2 times a year because they lived 2,000 miles away. I very nearly lost my mind and I'm not sure I will ever have a good relationship with my ILs again. MIL felt it was her place to parent my children and to come in at all hours uninvited. We didn't have the boundaries I needed to feel safe and comfortable in my own home. They lived here for three years. During part of that time we also had Dh's brother along with his wife and baby. I love them, but it was a huge emotional burden to have so many people in my house that weren't part of my immediate family. BIL and SIL and their baby were in a bedroom in our part of the house, which made it worse. Anyway, I'm glad it works well for some families. It didn't work for me because I'm an introvert who highly values privacy and autonomy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabeth in IL Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 My parents and my family have lived together for almost 6 years now and we love it. There are times when it gets stressful but overall it is a blessing. My parents are snowbirds so we have the house to ourselves 5 months of every year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 We function as one family unit, rather than separate units within a family. There are separate bedrooms, but no separate living spaces. And separate bedrooms don't really mean much, we have an open door policy for all rooms -- any kid or person is welcome anywhere, we don't really have any need to segregate ourselves, our things, or our space (probably because none of us grew up with the luxury of doing so!) Don't mind the sploosh and splatter you may have heard; that was just my head exploding at the mere thought :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 We function as one family unit, rather than separate units within a family. There are separate bedrooms, but no separate living spaces. And separate bedrooms don't really mean much, we have an open door policy for all rooms -- any kid or person is welcome anywhere, we don't really have any need to segregate ourselves, our things, or our space (probably because none of us grew up with the luxury of doing so!) Don't mind the sploosh and splatter you may have heard; that was just my head exploding at the mere thought :lol: :iagree::lol::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 I hope to do this someday with my children & grandchildren. We have tried living with my parents and dh's parents for brief stints and it was a total nightmare. But they do not value family or relationships nearly as much as dh and I do. (not that we're the easiest to live with, I'm sure, but us being there just drove them crazy, they always wanted their "space" and their time, etc) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 It is really dependent on personalities and family dynamics. My dh is an only child. His parents are nice enough, but not used to a bulging house full of people and noise. It kind of freaks them out. They rarely visit and don't babysit. I would be happy to let them live with us, but I think they would feel a need for a psyche ward after more than a week. And dh and I are very different from them too, so there would be personality clashes. My dad didn't like his own kids, he sure isn't interested in living with me and mine. He is also a bit of a Neanderthal (understandment!) and my dh would have to clock him one the first time he called me a b----- or worse. My siblings are all much older than me and we have almost no contact. So I can't picture going from that to living together. I hope we are doing better by our own kids because they are the only retirement package we can afford to invest in.;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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