s/o Jean's thread: Are you careful how you talk to your dh?

[LauraGB]

I really would like to say yes, but my personality and character is one that does not allow for holding my tongue. I try. But it never, ever works. I have been working on the actual words I use, but, sometimes it's a huge struggle, and I fail miserably.

 

But, I was like that 17 years ago when we met, so it wasn't like I pulled a fast one on him or anything. :tongue_smilie:

[newday]

Actually, after talking to my husband and many other men about it, I think Ephesians 5 is dead on. Men and women aren't the same. Our needs are different, it's not a surprise that we need different things from each other. Neither is better or worse (in fact, considering he's supposed to love me as Christ loves the church, I think he's got the harder deal), but they are different, as men and women are different.

 

I'm respectful to my husband. At least, I try to be. ;) I make an effort. I have noticed that when we're around certain people, we take on characteristics we don't like, teasing and bickering, in particular. We're working on breaking out of those habits again.

 

I think it is really important to understand the meaning of the scripture as a whole.

And, it is very possible that men and women generally relate to respect and love differently, but I do think that it is a generalization (and as such, there will be exceptions). Also, I do think that focusing on those two things can really limit the scope of that verse.

 

My understanding of respect is that we view and treat a person as being human, same as us, a child of God - worth a sacrificial death. When we put that kind of value on people I think we will treat them with respect. All of them. All the time.

[mommymilkies]

I really would like to say yes, but my personality and character is one that does not allow for holding my tongue. I try. But it never, ever works. I have been working on the actual words I use, but, sometimes it's a huge struggle, and I fail miserably.

 

But, I was like that 17 years ago when we met, so it wasn't like I pulled a fast one on him or anything. :tongue_smilie:

 

:iagree: Dh knew me before we started dating, so he knew what he was getting into! :lol:

[LibraryLover]

Dh and I try very hard to be kind with each other. We've messed up at times. But we really want to model decency for our children (as well as for ourselves, of course. lol) My dh is a lot more easy-going and calm than I have been. I have had my hysterical moments, and he really hasn't. ;)

[Danestress]

It matters greatly to him, and it matters to me how he speaks to me. We both are careful in how we speak to each other, because it makes life more pleasant. I am also somewhat careful in how I speak to my parents, children, sisters and friends. I am not comfortable with really abrupt, aggressive people. I tend to speak my mind. Perhaps too much so. I am not so agreeable as to pretend to think things I don't really think. But while I am inclined to say what I think, I do try to say it in a way that is basically polite.

 

I can't stand to be around couples that speak unkindly to each other, even if it's under the guise of "joking."

[tntgoodwin]

Actually, after talking to my husband and many other men about it, I think Ephesians 5 is dead on. Men and women aren't the same. Our needs are different, it's not a surprise that we need different things from each other. Neither is better or worse (in fact, considering he's supposed to love me as Christ loves the church, I think he's got the harder deal), but they are different, as men and women are different.

 

I'm respectful to my husband. At least, I try to be. ;) I make an effort. I have noticed that when we're around certain people, we take on characteristics we don't like, teasing and bickering, in particular. We're working on breaking out of those habits again.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Hedgehog]

Actually, after talking to my husband and many other men about it, I think Ephesians 5 is dead on. Men and women aren't the same. Our needs are different, it's not a surprise that we need different things from each other. Neither is better or worse (in fact, considering he's supposed to love me as Christ loves the church, I think he's got the harder deal), but they are different, as men and women are different.

 

I'm respectful to my husband. At least, I try to be. ;) I make an effort. I have noticed that when we're around certain people, we take on characteristics we don't like, teasing and bickering, in particular. We're working on breaking out of those habits again.

 

Well said.

[MamaT]

It matters greatly to him, and it matters to me how he speaks to me. We both are careful in how we speak to each other, because it makes life more pleasant. I am also somewhat careful in how I speak to my parents, children, sisters and friends. I am not comfortable with really abrupt, aggressive people. I tend to speak my mind. Perhaps too much so. I am not so agreeable as to pretend to think things I don't really think. But while I am inclined to say what I think, I do try to say it in a way that is basically polite.

 

I can't stand to be around couples that speak unkindly to each other, even if it's under the guise of "joking."

 

I could have written this. Also, my dh is very sensitive and it is easy to hurt his feelings. I forget easily and move on, but he can be really wounded by words.

[Hedgehog]

I am not careful how I talk to him though I have refrained from using certain words even though they still pop in my head.

 

For me, if I am not allowed to express how I feel without being told, "I don't want to talk about that" or without having the other person try to twist everything around, it ends up bottled up. This is how my parents operated. I was never allowed to express any frustrations so they all ended up bottled up.

 

Lately, I've been told I wasn't allowed to talk about how I feel about our eldest and his relationship with this woman. I've been told I am not allowed to talk about putting our cat to sleep. I'm not allowed to have an opinion on the way women have been treated throughout history because then I am just a man-hater.

 

For example, I watched The Other Boleyn Girl, and I was again reminded of the limited rights women had. I was also reminded about the limited rights the poor had. Things like that bother me. It bothers me that there are lots of jokes about women -- blonde in particular -- but few about men. It bothers me that people commonly refer to grown women as girls but not grown men as boys. I am a deeply thinking person who analyzes things all the time. I think about how much time women in general spend on beautifying themselves while men do very little. So, the other night, my dh mentioned a movie where the main character was a ditzy beauty. She reminded me of those women from Hee Haw. Anyway, it reminded me once again how women have been portrayed through the ages. I just said, "Yes, that's another one of those movies that show a man only wants a woman for her looks and refuses to show a woman of means and intelligence." I was again labeled a man-hater.

 

I cannot stand conversation like that. There's rarely any intelligent dialogue, just defensiveness and character attacks. ugh

 

Things end up bothering me over time, but attempts at discussing them blow up. For example, my shock at the comment, "It's a woman's job to make the bed" was met with "whose job is it to change the oil?"

 

I'm not good at thinking through the ramifications before I speak. For example, yesterday, Ben was playing with dh's old Hot Wheel track. He was trying to take apart two pieces. He was apparently not being as gentle as he should have. Instead of instructing him (he was sitting there watching Ben, but he was playing the guitar), he blurted out when the track snapped, "I knew that would happen. I was sitting here waiting for you to break it."

 

I said, "Well, why didn't you instruct him to be more careful?" I can see I should have saved that comment for a private conversation, but I still believe it nonetheless. Dh's a very hands-off parent -- more into the ramification side than the guiding side. Now, I'm the bad guy for speaking my opinion.

 

So, clearly, I am not good at this communication thing, but I feel like there's no freedom to communicate properly.

 

:grouphug: I think you are trying to communicate, but have restricted space to do so. :grouphug:

[angela in ohio]

It matters greatly to him, and it matters to me how he speaks to me. We both are careful in how we speak to each other, because it makes life more pleasant. I am also somewhat careful in how I speak to my parents, children, sisters and friends. I am not comfortable with really abrupt, aggressive people. I tend to speak my mind. Perhaps too much so. I am not so agreeable as to pretend to think things I don't really think. But while I am inclined to say what I think, I do try to say it in a way that is basically polite.

 

I can't stand to be around couples that speak unkindly to each other, even if it's under the guise of "joking."

 

I agree with this. I have wiggled out of friendships with people who "let it all hang out" at the cost of other people's feelings or dignity. I really wouldn't want to have a marriage like that.

[Ginevra]

It is important to speak to all others respectfully, as I expect to be spoken to respectfully. I am not always as good about this with dh as I mean to be, but it is an area always worth improving.

 

I have a SIL who constantly speaks to her dh in a disdainful fashion and I detest listening to it. She speaks to him in a "mean mother" tone most of the time. I think he lets it bounce off, but I'm sure it does nothing to improve their marriage.

[simka2]

I am as careful with dh as I would be with anyone. That said, my dh would find anything less than my honesty, calm bluntness, straight speaking way of communicating dis-respectful. We have a saying, "Mean what you say, say what you mean." This involves both not walking on eggshells or being obnoxious and self absorbed ;)

[KristinaBreece]

I am not at all careful of how I speak to my DH. Maybe I should be more so, but if I can't be straight & blunt with him, then with whom can I?

[EJCMom]

I wouldn't say that I'm careful in the way I speak to him, because to me that word conjures up a feeling of unease. I classify myself as being mindful of the way I speak to him. I'm very conscious of the fact that once a word has been spoken, it cannot be unspoken. And if I'm not mindful of the words I choose when I'm expressing myself, I may communicate a level of hostility or anger that I don't necessarily mean to communicate. When I'm frustrated, I say so. But I'm conscious not to communicate that using words that sound more harsh than I mean. I guess it all boils down to the fact that I treat him the way I want to be treated, and I don't want to ever have to say to him, "I didn't mean that the way it sounded."

[OnTheBrink]

I have a very difficult time being respectful of someone I have no respect for. So, as my farce of a marriage deteriorated, I cared less and less how I spoke to him. After so much verbal and emotional abuse from him, I just gave up even trying. I just said what came into my head, and believe me, very little of it was nice or respectful.

 

I think it's much easier to be kind and respectful towards someone you can genuinely respect, even if what you're saying might be hard or if you're in a conflict with them. I don't think honest or blunt necessarily means unkind or disrespectful.

[Alicia64]

My dh -- I've finally realized -- has Aspergers. He's high functioning, but still definitely has it.

 

So, yes, I've learned to treat him a certain way or I make the situation a million times worse -- if it's a stressful thing.

 

I was once exactly like the OP. I pretty much thought being married meant being truthful and honest and open and "real." Well, I'm still "real," but I've learned to say things in a way that dh has an easier time hearing them.

 

Alley

[LostSurprise]

I don't really think honesty or straightforwardness is being lost when I treat dh with kindness and respect. Rather than stopping me from talking, when I see a red flag issue it causes me to think deeper about how I can communicate the problem most effectively with him.

 

In some marriages this may mean banter, teasing, joking, debate, discussion, instant messages, confrontation, etc. Marriages all do this differently because people respond to things differently. But whatever the case, I can do it in a way that shows I love him and respect him and that I expect him to treat me the same way.

 

Does this mean I don't yell? Nope, I do sometimes. I'm a human being and sometimes emotions overtake the intellectual process, but the more I practice forethought the more I treat everyone around me respectfully. I hope that's what I'm teaching my children.

[newday]

I don't really think honesty or straightforwardness is being lost when I treat dh with kindness and respect. Rather than stopping me from talking, when I see a red flag issue it causes me to think deeper about how I can communicate the problem most effectively with him.

 

In some marriages this may mean banter, teasing, joking, debate, discussion, instant messages, confrontation, etc. Marriages all do this differently because people respond to things differently. But whatever the case, I can do it in a way that shows I love him and respect him and that I expect him to treat me the same way.

 

Does this mean I don't yell? Nope, I do sometimes. I'm a human being and sometimes emotions overtake the intellectual process, but the more I practice forethought the more I treat everyone around me respectfully. I hope that's what I'm teaching my children.

 

Well said! I think that communication is not something every person can expect to handle, or view, the same way, and each situation can require a different approach.

[lllll]

...

[*Inna*]

I talk to him the way I would want him to talk to me.

:iagree:

[4everHis]

I'm not. I pretty much say whatever I feel, however I feel like saying it. He's yelled at me a few times about it, but generally seems to put up with it. One thing he's said is that at least he always knows where he stands with me. :D

 

My brother was telling me once that I should not speak so "disrespectfully" to my dh, and while I thought it was not his place at all to be getting after me, I did tell dh what db had said, and asked him what he thought. Dh paused a second, and said, "jld (okay, not really that!:D), I hear your words, but I know your heart."

 

How about you? Are you careful or careless with how you talk to your dh? Does it matter to him?

 

I've noticed the seasons of life where I've not spoken respectfully to dh that I begin to see my kids talking to or about him the same way. I don't want to be the one that brings that about in my family. I've also realized that my dh works hard so that I can be home with the kids and that alone makes him deserving of respectfulness. I've also taken note that one of the main things my dh will mention about me to others is my respect (not boot licking, he gets the truth from me) for him and how he appreciates it. I think it's something that is very important to men. Just my 2cents!

[Joanne]

I'll admit that I am posting out of my own issues and past.

 

After a 15 year marriage in which I was "careful how I talk to my h", I don't like that wording. I was careful, in fact, hypervigilant, during the course of that marriage. Never.again. I paid my eggshell dues.

 

I am not careful how I talk to my Dh now. I am deliberate, I am mindful, I am authentic, I am real. It's safe. I don't lose his love, care, nurture, respect, kindness, courtesy or affection no matter what I say or how I say it.

 

I offer the same in return; but it's because there is no way he'd act in a manner to jeopardize it. We've been through he** and back in our short marriage; death, bankruptcy, foreclosure, 3 year long legal battle, severe acting out of a child, aging parent issues, moving.......

 

There has been discussion, debate, conflict, and even sleeping on the couch, but respect has continued regardless.

 

Nestof3, you are dealing with chauvenistic, power/control and possibly abuse issues that skew the content of the thread. It would be impossible for you to answer in terms of "normal" because your reality is outside of those parameters.

[justamouse]

I am not careful how I talk to him though I have refrained from using certain words even though they still pop in my head.

 

For me, if I am not allowed to express how I feel without being told, "I don't want to talk about that" or without having the other person try to twist everything around, it ends up bottled up. This is how my parents operated. I was never allowed to express any frustrations so they all ended up bottled up.

 

Lately, I've been told I wasn't allowed to talk about how I feel about our eldest and his relationship with this woman. I've been told I am not allowed to talk about putting our cat to sleep. I'm not allowed to have an opinion on the way women have been treated throughout history because then I am just a man-hater.

 

For example, I watched The Other Boleyn Girl, and I was again reminded of the limited rights women had. I was also reminded about the limited rights the poor had. Things like that bother me. It bothers me that there are lots of jokes about women -- blonde in particular -- but few about men. It bothers me that people commonly refer to grown women as girls but not grown men as boys. I am a deeply thinking person who analyzes things all the time. I think about how much time women in general spend on beautifying themselves while men do very little. So, the other night, my dh mentioned a movie where the main character was a ditzy beauty. She reminded me of those women from Hee Haw. Anyway, it reminded me once again how women have been portrayed through the ages. I just said, "Yes, that's another one of those movies that show a man only wants a woman for her looks and refuses to show a woman of means and intelligence." I was again labeled a man-hater.

 

I cannot stand conversation like that. There's rarely any intelligent dialogue, just defensiveness and character attacks. ugh

 

Things end up bothering me over time, but attempts at discussing them blow up. For example, my shock at the comment, "It's a woman's job to make the bed" was met with "whose job is it to change the oil?"

 

I'm not good at thinking through the ramifications before I speak. For example, yesterday, Ben was playing with dh's old Hot Wheel track. He was trying to take apart two pieces. He was apparently not being as gentle as he should have. Instead of instructing him (he was sitting there watching Ben, but he was playing the guitar), he blurted out when the track snapped, "I knew that would happen. I was sitting here waiting for you to break it."

 

I said, "Well, why didn't you instruct him to be more careful?" I can see I should have saved that comment for a private conversation, but I still believe it nonetheless. Dh's a very hands-off parent -- more into the ramification side than the guiding side. Now, I'm the bad guy for speaking my opinion.

 

So, clearly, I am not good at this communication thing, but I feel like there's no freedom to communicate properly.

 

 

Nestof3, you are dealing with chauvenistic, power/control and possibly abuse issues that skew the content of the thread. It would be impossible for you to answer in terms of "normal" because your reality is outside of those parameters.

 

 

:iagree:Nest, Reading your post flashed me right back to the verbal abuse I used to endure from a controlling SO. It took me years to feel safe enough with my husband to speak my mind.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:You'll be in my prayers.

[ange]

To a man, respect matters. Ladies, your love is not enough. Men equate feeling loved and feeling respected as the same thing. So I (quite imperfectly) strive to show my husband respect, even if I don't "feel" it, because I know how much he needs it. Yes, it is a choice to give unconditional respect, just like it is a choice to give unconditional love. The more I have practiced this choice, the more that I see in my husband to respect, and he in turn has shown much more love toward me (hint he finally feels loved). The Ephesians 5 Scripture says what it means, there is no fancy interpretation needed. Women struggle to give respect, which is why I have appreciated sound teaching and encouragement in this area. If you would like to examine this topic further and find resources to help you in this area, I highly recommmend the books: "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn (for wives) and there is one for hubby too titled "For Men Only" written by Shaunti and her husband Jeff Feldhahn. (Note: BTW, I don't suggest, ladies, that you run out and buy that book for your husband and try to get him to "change" by reading it...just focus on yourself! :blush: ) These books are packed with insight and research studying the differences between men and women, including the love/ respect issue. I also highly recommend "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. One more I highly recomend for women is "The Love Dare" by Nina Roesner. In addition to the book, there is an online course for women to take "The Respect Dare" at http://www.therespectdare.com/ I will share that if I had not worked on this issue in myself, I would not still be married today. Blessings! Angie

[ange]

I wanted to add a "disclaimer" as well as I see some women talking about abusive relationships. I would never suggest a woman being abused to take that abuse or be quiet about it as quote "respecting her husband". I have been in abusive relationships myself, and that is never to be acceptable. Please understand that when I talk about a woman respecting her husband, I refer to a relationship that is not abusive, though it may have its problems and imperfect people in it - physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse is never to be tolerated in any relationship. Any woman or man in such a situation should seek help and support and get out of danger.

[KidsHappen]

More so than I am with most people. His feelings matter to me more. I also try to be careful in how I talk to my children. I try not to talk to other people at all. After all, I can only bite my tongue so much. :tongue_smilie:

[Audrey]

I'm not. I pretty much say whatever I feel, however I feel like saying it. He's yelled at me a few times about it, but generally seems to put up with it. One thing he's said is that at least he always knows where he stands with me. :D

 

My brother was telling me once that I should not speak so "disrespectfully" to my dh, and while I thought it was not his place at all to be getting after me, I did tell dh what db had said, and asked him what he thought. Dh paused a second, and said, "jld (okay, not really that!:D), I hear your words, but I know your heart."

 

How about you? Are you careful or careless with how you talk to your dh? Does it matter to him?

 

WTH??!!?? I guess I don't get this whole "respectful" speaking to your spouse thing, then. :confused: I don't go around nagging and b*tching and whinging and complaining and degrading and berating anyone, certainly not my husband. BUT, I don't censor what I say to him or how I say it. I'm not constantly thinking "oo! Is this respectful?" A person should be able to express themselves without constantly having to wonder how the other will respond to their honest thoughts and feelings.

 

I don't have to walk on eggshells with my dh, and if I ever felt like I had to walk on eggshells, censor what I say, think about how I'm saying stuff to him and in general act like a whinging little brainless twit just to please him, then I'm calling on my board buddies (oh, you know who you are! Yes. You. I'm pointing at you.) to come and put a .22 in my brain because surely I've hit rock bottom and should be put out of my misery. Or at the very least, come slap the ever lovin' cr*p out me until I grow a spine again.

[newday]

To a man, respect matters. Ladies, your love is not enough. Men equate feeling loved and feeling respected as the same thing. So I (quite imperfectly) strive to show my husband respect, even if I don't "feel" it, because I know how much he needs it. Yes, it is a choice to give unconditional respect, just like it is a choice to give unconditional love. The more I have practiced this choice, the more that I see in my husband to respect, and he in turn has shown much more love toward me (hint he finally feels loved). The Ephesians 5 Scripture says what it means, there is no fancy interpretation needed. Women struggle to give respect, which is why I have appreciated sound teaching and encouragement in this area. If you would like to examine this topic further and find resources to help you in this area, I highly recommmend the books: "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn (for wives) and there is one for hubby too titled "For Men Only" written by Shaunti and her husband Jeff Feldhahn. (Note: BTW, I don't suggest, ladies, that you run out and buy that book for your husband and try to get him to "change" by reading it...just focus on yourself! :blush: ) These books are packed with insight and research studying the differences between men and women, including the love/ respect issue. I also highly recommend "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. One more I highly recomend for women is "The Love Dare" by Nina Roesner. In addition to the book, there is an online course for women to take "The Respect Dare" at http://www.therespectdare.com/ I will share that if I had not worked on this issue in myself, I would not still be married today. Blessings! Angie

 

Your experience with a couple of the books mentioned and my experience differ greatly. My dh does NOT recommend the Eggerichs book at all. He didn't like the way men were pigon-holed into such a stereo-type. I do know many people who like the book though.

 

And I would say unless you are a student of ancient common Greek, you are probably working with a fancy translation of the Ephesians passage.

[dangermom]

I love and respect my husband, and I speak with him the way I would like to be spoken with. He's the person I am most relaxed and honest with too. I don't really like the term "careful," with its implications of walking on eggshells--that's not how we are at all. But I would never want to say anything to hurt him. And he is, in fact, very sensitive to words.

 

We don't really yell at each other. When I'm upset I pretty much shut down and have a hard time saying anything. He's had it drummed into his head that a real man never yells at a woman. We manage to communicate when we're upset anyway.

[Murphy101]

WTH??!!?? I guess I don't get this whole "respectful" speaking to your spouse thing, then. :confused: I don't go around nagging and b*tching and whinging and complaining and degrading and berating anyone, certainly not my husband. BUT, I don't censor what I say to him or how I say it. I'm not constantly thinking "oo! Is this respectful?" A person should be able to express themselves without constantly having to wonder how the other will respond to their honest thoughts and feelings.

 

I don't have to walk on eggshells with my dh, and if I ever felt like I had to walk on eggshells, censor what I say, think about how I'm saying stuff to him and in general act like a whinging little brainless twit just to please him, then I'm calling on my board buddies (oh, you know who you are! Yes. You. I'm pointing at you.) to come and put a .22 in my brain because surely I've hit rock bottom and should be put out of my misery. Or at the very least, come slap the ever lovin' cr*p out me until I grow a spine again.

 

Now you've got that outta your system, why don't you tell us how you really feel?:lol:

 

I agree. I don't get it either I guess. My dh is man enough to handle anything I have to say, even if it hurts. I am kind enough to not purposely seek hurting him in order to communicate basic emotions and opinions. It's really not that terribly hard to manage.:001_huh:

[Audrey]

Now you've got that outta your system, why don't you tell us how you really feel?:lol:

 

I agree. I don't get it either I guess. My dh is man enough to handle anything I have to say, even if it hurts. I am kind enough to not purposely seek hurting him in order to communicate basic emotions and opinions. It's really not that terribly hard to manage.:001_huh:

 

 

See? You said it so much nicer. But, still... that's exactly what I was trying to say in my ... umm... little rant there. :blushing:

[OnTheBrink]

I don't think "respectful" = "walk on eggshells"

 

I have limited experience, but here it is:

 

With my EX, walking on eggshells was the norm. He was so explosive that you could never tell what would set him off. Before I got sick of it all and didn't care anymore, I would temper everything. That's not respect; that's fear. Though, once the line was crossed and I didn't care any more, I said things to him in a purposely hurtful way. That was disrespectful.

 

With a current guy-friend, someone I have huge amounts of respect for, I know and trust that I can say pretty much anything to him with no fear. I can talk about pretty much any subject (within the appropriate parameters of the relationship, which is friendship). But, I don't say things to hurt him or belittle him because I care about and respect him. And, he treats me very well, so I have no reason to want to hurt or belittle him.

 

All that said, though, I do truly believe that no matter how badly someone is treating me, it's never right to respond in kind. Easier to say than do, and I often fail. But there is definite dignity and self-respect in not lowering oneself to the level of one who's being abusive or unkind.

[jld]

I've really enjoyed reading all the replies. It's interesting how we all have different understandings of words like "yelling", or "arguing", or "careful". Honestly, before kalanamak and justamouse mentioned it, I never realized people might be especially polite to each other as a way of avoiding intimacy. I guess I also didn't realize that my comfort in being transparent with my dh is part of how secure I feel with him.

 

I think some men must be stronger than others. I can't imagine my dh ever falling apart over something I've said. He might feel irritated, but that evaporates pretty quickly once I stop. And after I've apologized, he never brings it up again. It's like the slate has been wiped clean.

 

I guess we're all with different people for a reason.

[....]

:iagree: Dh knew me before we started dating, so he knew what he was getting into! :lol:

 

:lol::lol::lol: That's what I always say!!

 

My husband says I just married him for his money (We were broke and in college). But, his parents owned a restaurant, so he could eat for free. Cheater! :tongue_smilie:

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Well, I don't walk on eggshells around dh, but I certainly do censor what I say. If I said what I was really thinking most of the time, it would be ugly. I wouldn't want him speaking to me in the manner in which I think in my head. (I'm quite a sarcastic smart alec, actually.) So, I moderate what I choose to say. I do this with other people (kids, mother, etc.) as well, or I might not have any relationships left!

[....]

Well, I don't walk on eggshells around dh, but I certainly do censor what I say. If I said what I was really thinking most of the time, it would be ugly.

 

Is something making you unhappy? :confused:

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Is something making you unhappy? :confused:

 

Not particularly. It's more that I am a natural smart @zz. For example, this morning, my husband came down to the basement to ask me what I was doing. I was sitting between the washer and a huge pile of laundry, with clothes in my hands heading toward the gaping washer. My natural urge would be to say, "I'm presently giving a lecture on nuclear physics. What does it look like I'm doing." Instead, I simply replied, "I'm doing laundry."

 

He then said, "Why are you up so early?" I really wanted to say, "So that the kids have clothes while I'm gone for 3 days, since you can't tell the difference between size 8 boy underwear and size 8 women's underwear, and don't even get me started on the socks!" Instead, I simply replied, "I have quite a bit to get done before I leave tomorrow night."

[....]

Not particularly. It's more that I am a natural smart @zz. For example, this morning, my husband came down to the basement to ask me what I was doing. I was sitting between the washer and a huge pile of laundry, with clothes in my hands heading toward the gaping washer. My natural urge would be to say, "I'm presently giving a lecture on nuclear physics. What does it look like I'm doing." Instead, I simply replied, "I'm doing laundry."

 

He then said, "Why are you up so early?" I really wanted to say, "So that the kids have clothes while I'm gone for 3 days, since you can't tell the difference between size 8 boy underwear and size 8 women's underwear, and don't even get me started on the socks!" Instead, I simply replied, "I have quite a bit to get done before I leave tomorrow night."

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[Murphy101]

Not particularly. It's more that I am a natural smart @zz. For example, this morning, my husband came down to the basement to ask me what I was doing. I was sitting between the washer and a huge pile of laundry, with clothes in my hands heading toward the gaping washer. My natural urge would be to say, "I'm presently giving a lecture on nuclear physics. What does it look like I'm doing." Instead, I simply replied, "I'm doing laundry."

 

He then said, "Why are you up so early?" I really wanted to say, "So that the kids have clothes while I'm gone for 3 days, since you can't tell the difference between size 8 boy underwear and size 8 women's underwear, and don't even get me started on the socks!" Instead, I simply replied, "I have quite a bit to get done before I leave tomorrow night."

 

See now, I could totally have said that to my dh without hurting him. He probably would have laughed. Or, if my tone was particularly witchy, offered to make me a cup of coffee.:tongue_smilie:

 

But then again, my solution for anyone who can't figure out a chore is that they need more practice at it. No way claiming he can't figure it out would get him out of it for the 80 years or so I plan to be married to him. I'd make sure I had my girl undies and leave the rest to fend for themselves. Somehow, I'm betting eventually they'd figure it out. Really. They would. I promise.:)

[Nestof3]

I'm just cross-posting a response of mine on this thread because it is relevant.

 

Thanks, Barry. I would say we all have lack of respect issues in our house in that we all tend to just say what we are thinking without thinking about the consequences.

 

We both come from families where no one talks. No one really argues either. It's all totally dysfunctional. And, neither one of us is good at taking criticism, no matter how nicely it's stated.

 

I personally find it contradictory to treat someone in such a personal relationship with me with respect when the person is not behaving in a respectable manner. I'm not saying there's no grace when we mess up, but I referring to a person's general character.

 

I think respect is a two-way street. I, as a woman, desire respect as much as I desire love. I think women want their husbands to respect them with their eyes and with their thoughts. I think women want their husbands to respect their ideas and opinions. I think women want men to respect requests from them just as they would respect requests from their employers and coworkers.

 

And, I think any respectable man would do these things as a general rule.

 

I have to wonder why it is women who are typically labeled naggers. Is it because women just have more requests. Is it because women are better at remembering requests? Or, do women not really nag more at all. I've always been bothered that the nagging wife is admonished in Proverbs, but the counterpart, the forgetful husband, is not.

 

 

RE: the input into parenting quote...my suggestion would be simply stating, without anger or emotion, that to properly raise your kids, they need him to have parenting input from their dad. State it like a wife, not a mom. Focus the statement in a positive way, as in, 'DH, I need you to ___ in order to make sure that ___ happens with our kids.' NOT 'DH, you never give our kids any parenting input. That is just awful. Shame on you' Try to forget that, going by what you're saying, he's been dropping the ball up to now...

 

First, let me clarify. I wouldn't say he has been dropping the ball. I used to focus on consequences -- parenting in a reactive mode rather than proactive. Well, I still do at times. But, I've become more proactive seeing how I can mold rather than just respond. I wouldn't say he has dropped the ball up until now, he's just still much more on the reactive parenting side. I would say most of the molding is left up to me, as it was in his family, my family, and most families I see. Though many women are okay with that, I have a hard time accepting it just because it has been the norm for so long. He does the fun stuff with them, though. And, he reads the Bible and the inspirational stories to them.

 

For more clarification, we both become very overwhelmed when life becomes more stressful. When things are going well, he's making salad for dinner, helping out around the house, etc. When he's stressed or tired, he shuts everything else out. He doesn't want to talk about anything unpleasant, and he becomes very self-protective.

 

Things have been very stressful for him lately because he has been trying to hire help, he has too much work and not enough hours or manpower.

 

Stress over our eldest son's relationship and his moving out make me want to talk about it. He wants to shut it out. Stress over having our cat put to sleep makes me want to talk about it while he wants to forget it. And, of course, he's worrying about the money we spent on her.

 

So, for my part in this, I can see where I need to be more aware of when he's shutting down because of stress and not press issues when he is dealing with his own.

 

It would also be nice if he could say, "I am feeling very stressed -- can we talk about this later?" He did end up saying he didn't want to talk about anything negative because he felt so stressed and was trying to stay upbeat, so to speak. But, that was after I got exasperated because he wouldn't respond when I tried to discuss these recent events.

 

So, it looks like it comes down to communication. I appreciate your thoughts as it's always nice to get a male perspective.

[Mejane]

Nestof3, you are dealing with chauvenistic, power/control and possibly abuse issues that skew the content of the thread. It would be impossible for you to answer in terms of "normal" because your reality is outside of those parameters.

 

This is exactly why I'm the way I am. My mother grew up watching her mother abused by her father, and decided it would never happen to her. She taught me well. I take zero crap.

 

I'm calling on my board buddies (oh, you know who you are! Yes. You. I'm pointing at you.) to come and put a .22 in my brain because surely I've hit rock bottom and should be put out of my misery. Or at the very least, come slap the ever lovin' cr*p out me until I grow a spine again.

 

Got your back, girl.

 

Not particularly. It's more that I am a natural smart @zz. For example, this morning, my husband came down to the basement to ask me what I was doing. I was sitting between the washer and a huge pile of laundry, with clothes in my hands heading toward the gaping washer. My natural urge would be to say, "I'm presently giving a lecture on nuclear physics. What does it look like I'm doing." Instead, I simply replied, "I'm doing laundry."

 

He then said, "Why are you up so early?" I really wanted to say, "So that the kids have clothes while I'm gone for 3 days, since you can't tell the difference between size 8 boy underwear and size 8 women's underwear, and don't even get me started on the socks!" Instead, I simply replied, "I have quite a bit to get done before I leave tomorrow night."

 

This is totally me. :D

[SweetMissMagnolia]

I'm kinda like you---and if I'm mad/upset about something then how it comes out is how it comes out you know....sometimes he's come back later and said it has hurt his feelings but I was raised to keep everything in and not show emotions so letting things out and being able to LET him know I'm upset/mad is a big step for me--I tell hubby NOT to take it so personal that sometimes I just need to rant and rave for a little while LOL----