Opinion Please: A Co-op Situation........I tried to be diplomatic and gracious......

[MariannNOVA]

I deleted the original post about this situation - just re-reading it made my head want to explode. Aubrey, though, caught it before I deleted and she was supportive and honest about the whole thing.

 

I am coaching a team - not a sports team - a team that will perform a play this coming Saturday. I have been coaching them since December - I was originally the Assistant Coach and the Coach bailed because it is an enormous commitment of time, effort, hard work, etc. I stepped in. I have done these things before, and I understand how to do this job.

 

Things have been humming along fairly well -- until: Thursday of this past week. The Assistant Coach of the older team (which is NOT my team - I have the younger kids) was told by her team that they did not need her suggestions or input (which, btw, coaches and assistants are not supposed to give to the team - the teams are supposed to solve, resolve everything pretty much on their own. You can imagine how long this takes me with 8-10 year olds but we have honored the spirit of the competition and have not broken any rules).

 

The Ass't Coach wandered over to our area (one of her daughters is on my team) told me what they other team had told her and announced that she would now be helping my team. :001_huh: I responded that I appreciated the offer, but really didn't need any help coaching but rather if she could hold on a moment, there were areas (legitimate areas) where I could use help (remember, I don't have an assistant) and if she was interested, we could talk. She shrugged, observed, and more than a few times, tried to horn in on our rehearsal and while I stopped her, she really kind of ended up making our rehearsal/practice that day a mish-mash with her interference. I was timing DEAD TIME that the kids had - precious seconds where no one is saying anything and the clock is ticking. They had 2 min 20 sec of dead time -- without the dead time, they would come in 1 min 30 seconds under the time limit -- my assessment, get rid of the dead time.

 

When practice was over, I specifically told her that we needed someone to take over the forms that needed to be completed by the team with adult assistance so the forms could be turned in at the competition - a team cannot compete if the forms are not turned in. She was already doing this task for the older team, and she agreed to take it on for the younger team. I was most appreciative. I sent out an email to my team families (I update them at least once a week) telling them that 'K' (I will call her) was taking on the admin duties to include parent rosters, prop lists, costume lists, etc.

 

(I am so sorry - this is still interminably long) -- on Friday night, she sends out via email a script re-write to my team. I was stunned to the point that I honestly didn't know what to do. Our co-op coordinator responds with an email that is completely supportive of K's new script and she thanks her. :001_huh: A little later "K" sends out via email a 'rehearsal agenda' for the coming week. I am beyond stunned and my blood pressure is going through the roof.

 

I thought and thought and prayed about it all day yesterday. The amazingly nasty email that I drafted (and it is nasty) is still sitting in my draft folder and I will probably never send it (gosh, I am getting mature in my old age). I did, however, email our co-op/group coordinator and tell her as graciously as I could that I was offended by K's actions as I felt they clearly overstepped and usurped my position as Coach. She did respond with apologies and I do think it was heartfelt. She said she realized that she (the coordinator) should not have done that and that K should not have done what she did either. She said that I should feel free to go ahead and communicate with K in whatever way I saw fit and she was sure it would all work out.

 

So I did. So, your opinions, please. Below are the two emails that K sent - informing me that the script had some changes made to it (imo, not her place to do that), and then putting forth what she sees as the schedule for the coming week (again, imo, not her place). And below that, is my response to her. I have not heard from her. I have no doubt she is furious, but I am frankly mystified as to why she would think it was okay to do this. She and I co-teach at co-op (she is the Lead) and I would no sooner think of undermining her place in the class than I would drink bleach. I did not want to be heavy handed in my email and I guess I am looking for opinions as to whether or not I was. Emotionally, I am worn out and I will not be going to co-op again in the fall. The kids and I will go back to our isolationist way of doing things. We can keep in touch with the families there that we truly like, but I have had it with groups.

 

 

This below is the first email I received that she had changed the script. I did not respond to this email:

G just got back from XXXXX and we edited the script. I am sending a version. She also took out some lines. The only other change is some reorganization in scene three and one CHARACTER line is now another CHARACTER's line for better flow.

She read through the entire thing with a stopwatch, including singing and it was done in 5:30. It's all looking good!!!

 

Below is the second email I received with her schedule for next week. WTF?

 

 

 

 

 

So here's what I'm thinking:Wednesday - meet in a classroom at XX - promptly at 1:00, no props, costumes or any other distractions (except the bell). They run lines over and over and over and over and over until everyone is comfortable and the lines can be run in 6:30 (and the bell is ringing at the appropriate times).Thursday - Run the play over and over and over and over with props, backdrops, entering stage, etc. (no costumes - they are a distraction for some!!)Friday - Full dress rehearsal and finish up the XXXXX and XXXXX and paperwork. Here's the thing: they can have the most beautiful XXXXXX, XXXXXX, XXXXXX, and XXXXXXXX, but it won't matter if they can't even finish the play!!!

 

This is how I responded late last night: (in red)

 

 

K: thanks for the above - and the script re-write is good -- there are one or two other lines that can be done away with according to my twins and the team will discuss that on Wednesday and take care of that. Please thank G for her work.

I appreciate the schedule/guidelines you have written above, but I have to step in and say that I am the Coach and while I am probably going to do pretty much what you have described above, the agenda will be put out there by me. I agree with everything you say, specifically the fact that none of the backdrops, song, dance, will make any difference if the kids are shut down at eight minutes and they are only half way through.

However, that being said, I have been working with them for months, and I think that at this point in time (less than a week to go) I intend to be front and center and directing the rehearsals myself for many reasons......one being that for the most part, the kids are used to me; another being that I did take this on, and I intend to finish it.

I agree that the tendency is to worry that time is growing short and they will not be able to get this thing pared down, but I have done plays like this before, and this group will do just fine. They are pretty much where I want them right now -- close enough to their performance so that their level of excitement will translate into energy AND close enough that they will not be over-rehearsed and bored for Saturday.

Your taking on the forms, rosters, etc is a huge load off my mind and I appreciate that more than words can say. Looking forward to seeing you this week - thanks again for taking on the paper work!

 

What sayeth the Hive?:confused:

[Truscifi]

I don't think it sounds heavy handed at all. Firm, but not over the top or rude. She may not take it this way, but you seem to have gone out of your way to thank her for her efforts and be gracious.

[Jen500]

I don't think it sounds heavy handed at all. Firm, but not over the top or rude. She may not take it this way, but you seem to have gone out of your way to thank her for her efforts and be gracious.

 

:iagree:

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I deleted the original post about this situation - just re-reading it made my head want to explode. Aubrey, though, caught it before I deleted and she was supportive and honest about the whole thing.

 

I am coaching a team - not a sports team - a team that will perform a play this coming Saturday. I have been coaching them since December - I was originally the Assistant Coach and the Coach bailed because it is an enormous commitment of time, effort, hard work, etc. I stepped in. I have done these things before, and I understand how to do this job.

 

Things have been humming along fairly well -- until: Thursday of this past week. The Assistant Coach of the older team (which is NOT my team - I have the younger kids) was told by her team that they did not need her suggestions or input (which, btw, coaches and assistants are not supposed to give to the team - the teams are supposed to solve, resolve everything pretty much on their own. You can imagine how long this takes me with 8-10 year olds but we have honored the spirit of the competition and have not broken any rules).

 

The Ass't Coach wandered over to our area (one of her daughters is on my team) told me what they other team had told her and announced that she would now be helping my team. :001_huh: I responded that I appreciated the offer, but really didn't need any help coaching but rather if she could hold on a moment, there were areas (legitimate areas) where I could use help (remember, I don't have an assistant) and if she was interested, we could talk. She shrugged, observed, and more than a few times, tried to horn in on our rehearsal and while I stopped her, she really kind of ended up making our rehearsal/practice that day a mish-mash with her interference. I was timing DEAD TIME that the kids had - precious seconds where no one is saying anything and the clock is ticking. They had 2 min 20 sec of dead time -- without the dead time, they would come in 1 min 30 seconds under the time limit -- my assessment, get rid of the dead time.

 

When practice was over, I specifically told her that we needed someone to take over the forms that needed to be completed by the team with adult assistance so the forms could be turned in at the competition - a team cannot compete if the forms are not turned in. She was already doing this task for the older team, and she agreed to take it on for the younger team. I was most appreciative. I sent out an email to my team families (I update them at least once a week) telling them that 'K' (I will call her) was taking on the admin duties to include parent rosters, prop lists, costume lists, etc.

 

(I am so sorry - this is still interminably long) -- on Friday night, she sends out via email a script re-write to my team. I was stunned to the point that I honestly didn't know what to do. Our co-op coordinator responds with an email that is completely supportive of K's new script and she thanks her. :001_huh: A little later "K" sends out via email a 'rehearsal agenda' for the coming week. I am beyond stunned and my blood pressure is going through the roof.

 

I thought and thought and prayed about it all day yesterday. The amazingly nasty email that I drafted (and it is nasty) is still sitting in my draft folder and I will probably never send it (gosh, I am getting mature in my old age). I did, however, email our co-op/group coordinator and tell her as graciously as I could that I was offended by K's actions as I felt they clearly overstepped and usurped my position as Coach. She did respond with apologies and I do think it was heartfelt. She said she realized that she (the coordinator) should not have done that and that K should not have done what she did either. She said that I should feel free to go ahead and communicate with K in whatever way I saw fit and she was sure it would all work out.

 

So I did. So, your opinions, please. Below are the two emails that K sent - informing me that the script had some changes made to it (imo, not her place to do that), and then putting forth what she sees as the schedule for the coming week (again, imo, not her place). And below that, is my response to her. I have not heard from her. I have no doubt she is furious, but I am frankly mystified as to why she would think it was okay to do this. She and I co-teach at co-op (she is the Lead) and I would no sooner think of undermining her place in the class than I would drink bleach. I did not want to be heavy handed in my email and I guess I am looking for opinions as to whether or not I was. Emotionally, I am worn out and I will not be going to co-op again in the fall. The kids and I will go back to our isolationist way of doing things. We can keep in touch with the families there that we truly like, but I have had it with groups.

 

 

This below is the first email I received that she had changed the script. I did not respond to this email:

G just got back from XXXXX and we edited the script. I am sending a version. She also took out some lines. The only other change is some reorganization in scene three and one CHARACTER line is now another CHARACTER's line for better flow.

She read through the entire thing with a stopwatch, including singing and it was done in 5:30. It's all looking good!!!

 

Below is the second email I received with her schedule for next week. WTF?

 

 

 

 

 

So here's what I'm thinking:Wednesday - meet in a classroom at XX - promptly at 1:00, no props, costumes or any other distractions (except the bell). They run lines over and over and over and over and over until everyone is comfortable and the lines can be run in 6:30 (and the bell is ringing at the appropriate times).Thursday - Run the play over and over and over and over with props, backdrops, entering stage, etc. (no costumes - they are a distraction for some!!)Friday - Full dress rehearsal and finish up the XXXXX and XXXXX and paperwork. Here's the thing: they can have the most beautiful XXXXXX, XXXXXX, XXXXXX, and XXXXXXXX, but it won't matter if they can't even finish the play!!!

 

This is how I responded late last night: (in red)

 

 

K: thanks for the above - and the script re-write is good -- there are one or two other lines that can be done away with according to my twins and the team will discuss that on Wednesday and take care of that. Please thank G for her work.

I appreciate the schedule/guidelines you have written above, but I have to step in and say that I am the Coach and while I am probably going to do pretty much what you have described above, the agenda will be put out there by me. I agree with everything you say, specifically the fact that none of the backdrops, song, dance, will make any difference if the kids are shut down at eight minutes and they are only half way through.

However, that being said, I have been working with them for months, and I think that at this point in time (less than a week to go) I intend to be front and center and directing the rehearsals myself for many reasons......one being that for the most part, the kids are used to me; another being that I did take this on, and I intend to finish it.

I agree that the tendency is to worry that time is growing short and they will not be able to get this thing pared down, but I have done plays like this before, and this group will do just fine. They are pretty much where I want them right now -- close enough to their performance so that their level of excitement will translate into energy AND close enough that they will not be over-rehearsed and bored for Saturday.

Your taking on the forms, rosters, etc is a huge load off my mind and I appreciate that more than words can say. Looking forward to seeing you this week - thanks again for taking on the paper work!

 

What sayeth the Hive?:confused:

 

 

I agree that you are gracious and clear in your message.

 

I would add that in the future, if she has suggestions, she should send them to you, not the team. Then, if her suggestions fit with your plans, you will incorporate them and let the group know. It is confusing for everyone to have two leaders.

[radiobrain]

I think your letter is fine, very nice actually... :)

 

I think you need to expect her to be obnoxious, though. It seems as if she is the type of person who expects/needs/demands to be in charge, and she probably hasn't even noticed she is doing what she is. She is likely thinking about how lucky you are to have her helping out, blah blah blah, and is totally clueless that she is pissing you off and stepping on your toes. People like that drive me nuts, unless they are in their "correct position".

 

The thing about it is that you see what she is doing, and you know you would not do the same to her. Sorry, but I doubt that would never cross her mind. :tongue_smilie:I don't think she has any idea what she is making you feel like. Some people are very blind about themselves and how they treat people.

 

I wish you could send her back to the other team... ;)

[Veritaserum]

I don't think it sounds heavy handed at all. Firm, but not over the top or rude. She may not take it this way, but you seem to have gone out of your way to thank her for her efforts and be gracious.

 

:iagree:

[MariannNOVA]

I think your letter is fine, very nice actually... :)

 

I think you need to expect her to be obnoxious, though. It seems as if she is the type of person who expects/needs/demands to be in charge, and she probably hasn't even noticed she is doing what she is. She is likely thinking about how lucky you are to have her helping out, blah blah blah, and is totally clueless that she is pissing you off and stepping on your toes. People like that drive me nuts, unless they are in their "correct position".

 

The thing about it is that you see what she is doing, and you know you would not do the same to her. Sorry, but I doubt that would never cross her mind. :tongue_smilie:I don't think she has any idea what she is making you feel like. Some people are very blind about themselves and how they treat people.

 

I wish you could send her back to the other team... ;)

 

Hey, Korin -- thanks for writing - you make some very good points. And, the part in red: I would PAY them to take her back. They are only 6th graders -- it probably wouldn't cost much.;)

[SailorMom]

You were a lot more gracious and mature than she was in her actions :)

The email sounds very good, I would send it.

[FaithManor]

Mariann, their sixth graders...forget pay, you could bribe them with a generous helping of cupcakes!

 

Kudos to you for being much more politically correct than I would have been. I would not have been cruel, but I would have very, very plainly put her in her place and told her that if she couldn't stick to just doing the forms, her presence at practices would be quite unwelcome.

 

Faith

[Virg]

I thought you were VERY gracious! :) Good job! I am not sure I could have done something so coherent, firm and yet respectful.

[cin]

The Assistant Coach of the older team (which is NOT my team - I have the younger kids) was told by her team that they did not need her suggestions or input

 

I guess we know why the 6th graders told her they didn't need her suggestions.

[lionfamily1999]

Wow. You did not come off as angry at all! You sounded so chipper and positive that I doubt she'll notice she has been put in her place. Wtg!

[Chris in VA]

Hi Marianne,

 

Just wanted to say I hope it all works out. :grouphug:

 

If it's the person I think it may be, she may just be used to having more of a collaborative relationship with other leaders instead of a leader/assistant type of viewpoint.

But I don't know.

 

Sorry it is so yucky.

[RanchGirl]

Honestly, I think your email might be too kind. You're bending over backward to be nice, a courtesy she certainly hasn't extended to you! I'm not saying be rude at all, but don't act as if she has any authority over you.

 

I would say..

 

Jane, thanks for your feedback, I'll definitely consider that when I'm making the last minute coaching plan this week. If you have any additional suggestions, please asnd them to me, not the group. They may or may not mesh with my plans and I don't want anyone to be confused about what the plan is or who the Coach is.

 

As we discussed previously, the only area where I can really use your assistance right now is the paperwork. If you don't want to do that, let me know and I'll take that responsibility back over.

[sheryl]

:grouphug:

[MariannNOVA]

I don't think it sounds heavy handed at all. Firm, but not over the top or rude. She may not take it this way, but you seem to have gone out of your way to thank her for her efforts and be gracious.

 

:iagree:

 

I agree that you are gracious and clear in your message.

 

I would add that in the future, if she has suggestions, she should send them to you, not the team. Then, if her suggestions fit with your plans, you will incorporate them and let the group know. It is confusing for everyone to have two leaders.

 

You were a lot more gracious and mature than she was in her actions :)

The email sounds very good, I would send it.

 

Mariann, their sixth graders...forget pay, you could bribe them with a generous helping of cupcakes!

 

Kudos to you for being much more politically correct than I would have been. I would not have been cruel, but I would have very, very plainly put her in her place and told her that if she couldn't stick to just doing the forms, her presence at practices would be quite unwelcome.

 

Faith

 

I thought you were VERY gracious! :) Good job! I am not sure I could have done something so coherent, firm and yet respectful.

 

I guess we know why the 6th graders told her they didn't need her suggestions.

 

Wow. You did not come off as angry at all! You sounded so chipper and positive that I doubt she'll notice she has been put in her place. Wtg!

 

Hi Marianne,

 

Just wanted to say I hope it all works out. :grouphug:

 

If it's the person I think it may be, she may just be used to having more of a collaborative relationship with other leaders instead of a leader/assistant type of viewpoint.

But I don't know.

 

Sorry it is so yucky.

 

Honestly, I think your email might be too kind. You're bending over backward to be nice, a courtesy she certainly hasn't extended to you! I'm not saying be rude at all, but don't act as if she has any authority over you.

 

I would say..

 

Jane, thanks for your feedback, I'll definitely consider that when I'm making the last minute coaching plan this week. If you have any additional suggestions, please asnd them to me, not the group. They may or may not mesh with my plans and I don't want anyone to be confused about what the plan is or who the Coach is.

 

As we discussed previously, the only area where I can really use your assistance right now is the paperwork. If you don't want to do that, let me know and I'll take that responsibility back over.

 

Thank you all - you were all incredibly validating. I just didn't want to be a *itch - which is how I've been most of my life and I am trying with the help of the Lord to take a breath and not engage in my former 'scorched earth' way of doing things, kwim.

 

Chris in Va -- yes, I think you know who this is. I am really big on protocol and not stepping on others toes, and that does seem to be a very grey area in this co-op. But, I don't do well with 'free for alls' and I thiknk that the work of others has to be respected. If not, then they need to go back to holding things in someone's home and not invite outsiders to join.

 

Faith -- you're right - it would only take pizza or cupcakes and the 6th graders would put up with her for another week.

 

cin: yup, that's what I thought too.

[lionfamily1999]

Thank you all - you were all incredibly validating. I just didn't want to be a *itch - which is how I've been most of my life and I am trying with the help of the Lord to take a breath and not engage in my former 'scorched earth' way of doing things, kwim.

 

Mariann, I would have never in a million years have guessed that. I'm completely serious. You're always so kind, I cannot even fathom you being an itch?!?

 

Just so you know. That's a wonderful work and its fruit is apparent.

[Denisemomof4]

I agree that you are gracious and clear in your message.

 

I would add that in the future, if she has suggestions, she should send them to you, not the team. Then, if her suggestions fit with your plans, you will incorporate them and let the group know. It is confusing for everyone to have two leaders.

 

:iagree: all communication has been by YOU alone and will continue to be by YOU alone.

 

You aren't being rude AT ALL.

[FaithManor]

Mariann, Scorched earth? You do know that a controlled fire can be very effective in managing unwanted brush and invasive weeds, right?:D

 

Faith

[mcconnellboys]

I agree that you are gracious in your response. I think you did the right thing!

[Denisemomof4]

Honestly, I think your email might be too kind. You're bending over backward to be nice, a courtesy she certainly hasn't extended to you! I'm not saying be rude at all, but don't act as if she has any authority over you.

 

I would say..

 

Jane, thanks for your feedback, I'll definitely consider that when I'm making the last minute coaching plan this week. If you have any additional suggestions, please asnd them to me, not the group. They may or may not mesh with my plans and I don't want anyone to be confused about what the plan is or who the Coach is.

 

As we discussed previously, the only area where I can really use your assistance right now is the paperwork. If you don't want to do that, let me know and I'll take that responsibility back over.

 

I agree with this also, because I think your email is too kind and generous in the "I agree with you, you're right," area and she needs to know that her bad behavior WON'T be tolerated again.

[MariannNOVA]

Mariann, I would have never in a million years have guessed that. I'm completely serious. You're always so kind, I cannot even fathom you being an itch?!?

 

Just so you know. That's a wonderful work and its fruit is apparent.

 

:crying: Thank you -- that is so kind of you to say -- thanks!

 

Years ago, if you looked up *itch in the dictionary, there would be a picture of me -- trust me. Being married to a wonderfully kind man opened the door to my being able to 'put down the shield' so to speak and let my heart be softened.

 

DH said that the 'miracle' in all of this was that I sent the really nasty email to him ONLY. When I sent it to him I asked him to help me figure this whole thing out so I didn't hurt others or me with my words. THAT, according to him, is a miracle.

[Denisemomof4]

Thank you all - you were all incredibly validating. I just didn't want to be a *itch - which is how I've been most of my life and I am trying with the help of the Lord to take a breath and not engage in my former 'scorched earth' way of doing things, kwim.

 

 

 

You're being GRACIOUS and she's not. Changing one's behavior to not to be a *itch (and I doubt you ever were!) does not equal being a doormat for everyone to trample on.

 

But you already know that. ;)

[MariannNOVA]

You're being GRACIOUS and she's not. Changing one's behavior to not to be a *itch (and I doubt you ever were!) does not equal being a doormat for everyone to trample on.

 

But you already know that. ;)

 

:grouphug::grouphug: I can live with being gracious -- and trust me I WAS a *itch........I don't think I am being a doormat now. If I hadn't responded to her email and laid it on the line that I would be coaching and it would go according to my schedule, THEN I would feel like a doormat. But I thought I was un-doormat-like yet clear that I would be calling the shots for the next 6 days.

 

We are a group that meets in a Church -- ds10 just started Altar Server and we aren't even RC, so I want to maintain the good friendships we've made here. I truly want to walk the line where I do not say anything to this other individual that is offensive or hurtful.

 

Oh, good grief -- I am going to have to go out to the yard and see if the real Mariann is in a POD someplace.:lol::lol::lol:

[Jennifer3141]

Mariann, I think your email was PERFECT.

 

I cannot imagine what this woman is thinking but wow.

[lionfamily1999]

:crying: Thank you -- that is so kind of you to say -- thanks!

 

Years ago, if you looked up *itch in the dictionary, there would be a picture of me -- trust me. Being married to a wonderfully kind man opened the door to my being able to 'put down the shield' so to speak and let my heart be softened.

 

DH said that the 'miracle' in all of this was that I sent the really nasty email to him ONLY. When I sent it to him I asked him to help me figure this whole thing out so I didn't hurt others or me with my words. THAT, according to him, is a miracle.

Isn't that wonderful! I always feel so blessed that I have dh, with whom I can be my real dirty self, so I can keep a grip on myself in public.

 

You're doing a great job. Your email really was kind and graceful. I think she'll get the message, but it shouldn't ruffle her feathers.

[MariannNOVA]

Mariann, I think your email was PERFECT.

 

I cannot imagine what this woman is thinking but wow.

 

Isn't that wonderful! I always feel so blessed that I have dh, with whom I can be my real dirty self, so I can keep a grip on myself in public.

 

You're doing a great job. Your email really was kind and graceful. I think she'll get the message, but it shouldn't ruffle her feathers.

 

Thank you both so very much!:grouphug::grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

Honestly, I think your email might be too kind. You're bending over backward to be nice, a courtesy she certainly hasn't extended to you! I'm not saying be rude at all, but don't act as if she has any authority over you.

 

I would say..

 

Jane, thanks for your feedback, I'll definitely consider that when I'm making the last minute coaching plan this week. If you have any additional suggestions, please asnd them to me, not the group. They may or may not mesh with my plans and I don't want anyone to be confused about what the plan is or who the Coach is.

 

As we discussed previously, the only area where I can really use your assistance right now is the paperwork. If you don't want to do that, let me know and I'll take that responsibility back over.

 

:iagree:

[Granny_Weatherwax]

:bighug:

[angela in ohio]

I've been in a very, very similar situation. It is so difficult. You have a superhuman amount of restraint. :001_smile:

[Giraffe]

You have a superhuman amount of restraint. :001_smile:

 

:iagree:

[Laurie4b]

I deleted the original post about this situation - just re-reading it made my head want to explode. Aubrey, though, caught it before I deleted and she was supportive and honest about the whole thing.

 

I am coaching a team - not a sports team - a team that will perform a play this coming Saturday. I have been coaching them since December - I was originally the Assistant Coach and the Coach bailed because it is an enormous commitment of time, effort, hard work, etc. I stepped in. I have done these things before, and I understand how to do this job.

 

Things have been humming along fairly well -- until: Thursday of this past week. The Assistant Coach of the older team (which is NOT my team - I have the younger kids) was told by her team that they did not need her suggestions or input (which, btw, coaches and assistants are not supposed to give to the team - the teams are supposed to solve, resolve everything pretty much on their own. You can imagine how long this takes me with 8-10 year olds but we have honored the spirit of the competition and have not broken any rules).

 

The Ass't Coach wandered over to our area (one of her daughters is on my team) told me what they other team had told her and announced that she would now be helping my team. :001_huh: I responded that I appreciated the offer, but really didn't need any help coaching but rather if she could hold on a moment, there were areas (legitimate areas) where I could use help (remember, I don't have an assistant) and if she was interested, we could talk. She shrugged, observed, and more than a few times, tried to horn in on our rehearsal and while I stopped her, she really kind of ended up making our rehearsal/practice that day a mish-mash with her interference. I was timing DEAD TIME that the kids had - precious seconds where no one is saying anything and the clock is ticking. They had 2 min 20 sec of dead time -- without the dead time, they would come in 1 min 30 seconds under the time limit -- my assessment, get rid of the dead time.

 

When practice was over, I specifically told her that we needed someone to take over the forms that needed to be completed by the team with adult assistance so the forms could be turned in at the competition - a team cannot compete if the forms are not turned in. She was already doing this task for the older team, and she agreed to take it on for the younger team. I was most appreciative. I sent out an email to my team families (I update them at least once a week) telling them that 'K' (I will call her) was taking on the admin duties to include parent rosters, prop lists, costume lists, etc.

 

(I am so sorry - this is still interminably long) -- on Friday night, she sends out via email a script re-write to my team. I was stunned to the point that I honestly didn't know what to do. Our co-op coordinator responds with an email that is completely supportive of K's new script and she thanks her. :001_huh: A little later "K" sends out via email a 'rehearsal agenda' for the coming week. I am beyond stunned and my blood pressure is going through the roof.

 

I thought and thought and prayed about it all day yesterday. The amazingly nasty email that I drafted (and it is nasty) is still sitting in my draft folder and I will probably never send it (gosh, I am getting mature in my old age). I did, however, email our co-op/group coordinator and tell her as graciously as I could that I was offended by K's actions as I felt they clearly overstepped and usurped my position as Coach. She did respond with apologies and I do think it was heartfelt. She said she realized that she (the coordinator) should not have done that and that K should not have done what she did either. She said that I should feel free to go ahead and communicate with K in whatever way I saw fit and she was sure it would all work out.

 

So I did. So, your opinions, please. Below are the two emails that K sent - informing me that the script had some changes made to it (imo, not her place to do that), and then putting forth what she sees as the schedule for the coming week (again, imo, not her place). And below that, is my response to her. I have not heard from her. I have no doubt she is furious, but I am frankly mystified as to why she would think it was okay to do this. She and I co-teach at co-op (she is the Lead) and I would no sooner think of undermining her place in the class than I would drink bleach. I did not want to be heavy handed in my email and I guess I am looking for opinions as to whether or not I was. Emotionally, I am worn out and I will not be going to co-op again in the fall. The kids and I will go back to our isolationist way of doing things. We can keep in touch with the families there that we truly like, but I have had it with groups.

 

 

This below is the first email I received that she had changed the script. I did not respond to this email:

G just got back from XXXXX and we edited the script. I am sending a version. She also took out some lines. The only other change is some reorganization in scene three and one CHARACTER line is now another CHARACTER's line for better flow.

She read through the entire thing with a stopwatch, including singing and it was done in 5:30. It's all looking good!!!

 

Below is the second email I received with her schedule for next week. WTF?

 

 

 

 

 

So here's what I'm thinking:Wednesday - meet in a classroom at XX - promptly at 1:00, no props, costumes or any other distractions (except the bell). They run lines over and over and over and over and over until everyone is comfortable and the lines can be run in 6:30 (and the bell is ringing at the appropriate times).Thursday - Run the play over and over and over and over with props, backdrops, entering stage, etc. (no costumes - they are a distraction for some!!)Friday - Full dress rehearsal and finish up the XXXXX and XXXXX and paperwork. Here's the thing: they can have the most beautiful XXXXXX, XXXXXX, XXXXXX, and XXXXXXXX, but it won't matter if they can't even finish the play!!!

 

This is how I responded late last night: (in red)

 

 

K: thanks for the above - and the script re-write is good -- there are one or two other lines that can be done away with according to my twins and the team will discuss that on Wednesday and take care of that. Please thank G for her work.

I appreciate the schedule/guidelines you have written above, but I have to step in and say that I am the Coach and while I am probably going to do pretty much what you have described above, the agenda will be put out there by me. I agree with everything you say, specifically the fact that none of the backdrops, song, dance, will make any difference if the kids are shut down at eight minutes and they are only half way through.

However, that being said, I have been working with them for months, and I think that at this point in time (less than a week to go) I intend to be front and center and directing the rehearsals myself for many reasons......one being that for the most part, the kids are used to me; another being that I did take this on, and I intend to finish it.

I agree that the tendency is to worry that time is growing short and they will not be able to get this thing pared down, but I have done plays like this before, and this group will do just fine. They are pretty much where I want them right now -- close enough to their performance so that their level of excitement will translate into energy AND close enough that they will not be over-rehearsed and bored for Saturday.

Your taking on the forms, rosters, etc is a huge load off my mind and I appreciate that more than words can say. Looking forward to seeing you this week - thanks again for taking on the paper work!

 

What sayeth the Hive?:confused:

 

If it's true that "we" edited the script, and that this is the even that I think it is, that is OA and against the rules and jeopardizing the team. Your team is going to end up either having to be dishonest or lose major points if that script is used or if this coach continues inserting herself.

 

I thought the phrase: "I intend to be front and center" comes off as about you, not as about the team; otherwise, sounds good.

 

I think there is a reason the other team told her they didn't need her suggestions.

Edited February 28, 2011 by Laurie4b

[Laurie4b]

Honestly, I think your email might be too kind. You're bending over backward to be nice, a courtesy she certainly hasn't extended to you! I'm not saying be rude at all, but don't act as if she has any authority over you.

 

I would say..

 

Jane, thanks for your feedback, I'll definitely consider that when I'm making the last minute coaching plan this week. If you have any additional suggestions, please asnd them to me, not the group. They may or may not mesh with my plans and I don't want anyone to be confused about what the plan is or who the Coach is.

 

As we discussed previously, the only area where I can really use your assistance right now is the paperwork. If you don't want to do that, let me know and I'll take that responsibility back over.

 

:iagree: Good email.

[MariannNOVA]

If it's true that "we" edited the script, that is OA and against the rules. Your team is going to end up either having to be dishonest or lose major points if that script is used or if this coach continues inserting herself.

 

I thought the phrase: "I intend to be front and center" comes off as about you, not as about the team; otherwise, sounds good.

 

Excellent point about the script changes and DH and I were discussing this earlier. To that end, I emailed my team families a couple of hours ago to tell them that the script revision that was sent by so and so is NOT to be used. I wrote that everyone is to bring the script they were using on Thursday to rehearsal this week and the kids can work off that script and make changes off that script IF they desire. I have been so very careful about not violating the rules and I will not have her mess this up.

Just to clarify about the front and center, that is where I have been -- in front of the room and in the center of their stage. Like in row two. Watching and Timing. There hasn't been any doubt in anyone one's mind that I am the Coach (first runner up that I was :glare:). I guess I said that to her so she would know that there is no room for her as far as coaching my team.

[Denisemomof4]

Excellent point about the script changes and DH and I were discussing this earlier. To that end, I emailed my team families a couple of hours ago to tell them that the script revision that was sent by so and so is NOT to be used. I wrote that everyone is to bring the script they were using on Thursday to rehearsal this week and the kids can work off that script and make changes off that script IF they desire. I have been so very careful about not violating the rules and I will not have her mess this up.

 

Just to clarify about the front and center, that is where I have been -- in front of the room and in the center of their stage. Like in row two. Watching and Timing. There hasn't been any doubt in anyone one's mind that I am the Coach (first runner up that I was :glare:). I guess I said that to her so she would know that there is no room for her as far as coaching my team.

 

I thought about this earlier but went back and reread her email to you. There is still the chance that her dd did all the work and that it will be acceptable to the group.

 

I think it's good that you emailed the team to keep them all on track still. I'm sorry you're dealing with a difficult person, one whom apparently has already caused problems with the other team!

:grouphug:

 

(Oh, and I wasn't insinuating earlier that you were being a doormat. I just need to clarify that my friend!):001_smile:

[Laurie4b]

Excellent point about the script changes and DH and I were discussing this earlier. To that end, I emailed my team families a couple of hours ago to tell them that the script revision that was sent by so and so is NOT to be used. I wrote that everyone is to bring the script they were using on Thursday to rehearsal this week and the kids can work off that script and make changes off that script IF they desire. I have been so very careful about not violating the rules and I will not have her mess this up. I don't *get* how an adult could so badly not *get* the rules, but whatever. And her dc and any other kids who saw the script cannot suggest anything that they worked on together, either. What a pain in the patooty.:banghead: --especially at this point in the game. ODing myself and I'm not a coach.

 

Just to clarify about the front and center, that is where I have been -- in front of the room and in the center of their stage. Like in row two. Watching and Timing. There hasn't been any doubt in anyone one's mind that I am the Coach (first runner up that I was :glare:). I guess I said that to her so she would know that there is no room for her as far as coaching my team.

Makes sense in that context. You don't seem like you'd :svengo: if given some contrary feedback, so I thought I'd risk it. ;)

[elegantlion]

Excellent point about the script changes and DH and I were discussing this earlier. To that end, I emailed my team families a couple of hours ago to tell them that the script revision that was sent by so and so is NOT to be used. I wrote that everyone is to bring the script they were using on Thursday to rehearsal this week and the kids can work off that script and make changes off that script IF they desire. I have been so very careful about not violating the rules and I will not have her mess this up.

 

Just to clarify about the front and center, that is where I have been -- in front of the room and in the center of their stage. Like in row two. Watching and Timing. There hasn't been any doubt in anyone one's mind that I am the Coach (first runner up that I was :glare:). I guess I said that to her so she would know that there is no room for her as far as coaching my team.

 

A great show of maturity and grace. :D Good for you. I'm glad you sent another e-mail to the group too. I can't imagine what she was thinking. :001_huh:

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I think your reply was kind, though I doubt that it will keep her from being embarassed at being called out and touchy when you see her again. But I think it is because she will realize she overstepped bounds.

I hope that doesn't translate to her not doing the paperwork that needs done.

 

If this is the competition I'm thinking of that has very strict rules about how many adults may be assisting and when students can be added to the team without getting penalties for too much help, you might want to point her back to the rules. It might be helpful to remind her that too much adult help on content and form at this stage can bring on negative consequences. (If this isn't the case with your competition, or if I'm not understanding the rules completely, please ignore.)

[Annie]

Excellent point about the script changes and DH and I were discussing this earlier. To that end, I emailed my team families a couple of hours ago to tell them that the script revision that was sent by so and so is NOT to be used. I wrote that everyone is to bring the script they were using on Thursday to rehearsal this week and the kids can work off that script and make changes off that script IF they desire. I have been so very careful about not violating the rules and I will not have her mess this up.

 

I'm glad you handled the script changes. I've "heard" you mention the organization in the past, and the first thing that came to my mind was that this is a big rule violation. Personally, I don't think I would even feel comfortable with the level of coaching she seems to have done in the previous rehearsal. If she needs to be in control, this isn't the organization she wants to coach for. I don't think you were heavy handed at all in your email.

[MariannNOVA]

I think your reply was kind, though I doubt that it will keep her from being embarassed at being called out and touchy when you see her again. But I think it is because she will realize she overstepped bounds.

I hope that doesn't translate to her not doing the paperwork that needs done.

 

If this is the competition I'm thinking of that has very strict rules about how many adults may be assisting and when students can be added to the team without getting penalties for too much help, you might want to point her back to the rules. It might be helpful to remind her that too much adult help on content and form at this stage can bring on negative consequences. (If this isn't the case with your competition, or if I'm not understanding the rules completely, please ignore.)

 

Thank you and yes it IS the organization you are thinking of. It is easy enough to follow the rules - HANDS OFF. Very simple.

 

And, omh, if she bails on the paperwork, well, it's just one more thing that the kids will sit with me and do. At their level, the Coach is allowed to take dictation from the team as their handwriting is probably atrocious. I have spent two nights reading up on the FORMS and my DH is a master at them as he went to training for them.

 

And, yes, the rules are quite strict about how many adults 'coach' -- although they do qualify it with wording about the team's solution....yadda, yadda, yadda. Have I said that I will NEVER DO THIS AGAIN?!

[MariannNOVA]

I thought about this earlier but went back and reread her email to you. There is still the chance that her dd did all the work and that it will be acceptable to the group.

 

I think it's good that you emailed the team to keep them all on track still. I'm sorry you're dealing with a difficult person, one whom apparently has already caused problems with the other team!

:grouphug:

 

(Oh, and I wasn't insinuating earlier that you were being a doormat. I just need to clarify that my friend!):001_smile:

 

:grouphug: I know that -- I may be trying to be gracious, but there is NO WAY that if push comes to shove, I am not going to put her in her place.

[MariannNOVA]

I thought about this earlier but went back and reread her email to you. There is still the chance that her dd did all the work and that it will be acceptable to the group.

 

I think it's good that you emailed the team to keep them all on track still. I'm sorry you're dealing with a difficult person, one whom apparently has already caused problems with the other team!

:grouphug:

 

(Oh, and I wasn't insinuating earlier that you were being a doormat. I just need to clarify that my friend!):001_smile:

 

I did actually just get an email wherein she tells me emphatically that her dd dictated the script changes to her and she typed them - which I was told in training is just fine. And, I believe that her dd could absolutely do that because she is an amazingly articulate young lady. FIVE MORE DAYS!

[KnitWit]

You amaze me. Your whack-a-doodle neighbors, and now this. I want to be you when I grow up.

[MariannNOVA]

You amaze me. Your whack-a-doodle neighbors, and now this. I want to be you when I grow up.

 

You are so nice to say that! Sometimes I think I have an "X" on my forehead!:lol::lol::lol:

 

You know, though, I KNEW KNEW KNEW that before the competition day, something ugly was going to happen. I have LOVED being in this co-op and I KNEW that eventually the honeymoon was going to be over.

[Unicorn.]

I agree that you are gracious and clear in your message.

 

I would add that in the future, if she has suggestions, she should send them to you, not the team. Then, if her suggestions fit with your plans, you will incorporate them and let the group know. It is confusing for everyone to have two leaders.

 

:iagree: I also think it was way too nice and accommodating. Somebody should rip her a new one. :D