Do you ever want to yell, "You have a choice!"

[PiCO]

What makes me mad is when I hear (often) about "the few, rare people who are wealthy enough and lucky enough to be home with their kids." WTF?

 

I agree. There are a good amount of stay at home moms in my area, living the lower to middling middle-class lifestyle and being frugal. But people still talk about the women in the huge houses up on the hill being "lucky enough to be home with their kids". The ladies on the hill all have full-time nannies, they're not (for the most part) doing anything with their kids.

 

Maybe because for most stay-at-home moms, luck has nothing to do with it. (Not that luck has anything to do with being rich either...)

[kewb]

I would never say anything because most likely the person complaining is simply looking for a sympathetic ear. When we complain about whatever we are complaining about are we looking for a solution from the person listening or are we hoping they will say "You are right, that does suck."

 

I complain about many things that seem trivial, or would be bad for my kids, or whatever because I would rather vent about the silly issue then tell the listener I am about to be foreclosed on, or the electricity is about to be turned off, I have no idea how I am going to clothe my constantly growing children, I don't want to eat beans ever again because it is all I can afford, or whatever serious thing is really going in my life.

 

You never really know what is going on behind closed doors.

[elfgivas]

depending on how well you know the speaker, you could try

 

1) reflective listening. "you sound as if you're feeling pretty discouraged about it"

 

or

 

2) if you know the person really well, a clarifying question

"is this a time when you need a sympathetic ear or are you looking to brainstorm possible alternatives?" interestingly, sometimes this helps clarify things for the person talking, too, not just for you...

 

my dh and i still use clarifies after all these years.... because quite often i usually want a sympathetic ear when he wants to fix something, and vice versa - i am the sympathetic listener when he wants me to come up with possible solutions. lol...

 

i have started prefaces some comments with "i need you to say 'oh you poor thing'", at which point we both smile or laugh and then i emote. he is trying to remember to say "i need your help coming up with ideas on this one"....

 

all that said, for me the subtext is inevitably "this is a choice i have made".... i think one way many adults avoid responsibility is to imagine that the mess we are in is somehow or other not linked to the choices we have made. (and its not always a result of our choices, sometimes we really are just in the wrong place at the wrong time, or there are unexpected consequences.... but for something like you've mentioned, its hard to see the forest for the trees).

 

and

 

(last thing, i promise).... sometimes the choices we made that got us into the mess are NOT the same choices that will get us out of it....

 

oops, i lied, one more thing....

sometimes a mess to one person is not a mess to another.... it just looks like it. so the complaining mom might be a horrible, horrible stay at home mom, and this really is the best solution, but she still regrets the reality of it all.....

 

that was a great post; it really has me thinking in new ways!

ann

[BearWallowSchool]

Back when I was an employed mom, it used to bug the heck out of me when self-righteous SAHM's would go on and on about the "sacrifices" they were making so they could stay home that were the exact same things I was doing but I *STILL* had to hold full-time employment. Renting a modest apartment? Check. Sharing one older-model economy vehicle? Check. Shopping at thrift stores and wearing hand-me-downs? Check. Vacations only at relatives' homes? Check. No cable/satellite and dropping the landline? Check. Cooking at home and brown-bagging it? Check. Nobody ever mentioned doing something radical like deciding to "homestead" where I could honestly say, "Nope, I'm not willing to change my lifestyle that much."

 

With the insanely high cost of basics these days, there are lots of moms who are holding down full-time employment not to pay for luxuries but to just keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. And those of us who are fortunate enough to be full-time homemakers need to drop the sanctimonious assumptions :glare:

 

I think the OP stated clearly in her thread that she was NOT speaking about these types of working moms. It is the moms that have only one or two children, and dh has a really great job and they are working for the HUGE house and brand new EXPENSIVE vehicles every two years. I don't think these kind of comments are fair to the OP b/c she said she was not speaking about working for the basics.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

Back when I was an employed mom, it used to bug the heck out of me when self-righteous SAHM's would go on and on about the "sacrifices" they were making so they could stay home that were the exact same things I was doing but I *STILL* had to hold full-time employment. Renting a modest apartment? Check. Sharing one older-model economy vehicle? Check. Shopping at thrift stores and wearing hand-me-downs? Check. Vacations only at relatives' homes? Check. No cable/satellite and dropping the landline? Check. Cooking at home and brown-bagging it? Check. Nobody ever mentioned doing something radical like deciding to "homestead" where I could honestly say, "Nope, I'm not willing to change my lifestyle that much."

 

With the insanely high cost of basics these days, there are lots of moms who are holding down full-time employment not to pay for luxuries but to just keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. And those of us who are fortunate enough to be full-time homemakers need to drop the sanctimonious assumptions :glare:

 

:iagree::iagree: I am very grateful that I am able to stay at home. I have worked before while raising my son and I will do it again if necessary.

[Crimson Wife]

I think the OP stated clearly in her thread that she was NOT speaking about these types of working moms. It is the moms that have only one or two children, and dh has a really great job and they are working for the HUGE house and brand new EXPENSIVE vehicles every two years. I don't think these kind of comments are fair to the OP b/c she said she was not speaking about working for the basics.

 

It's the "holier-than-thou" attitude that everyone could be a SAHM if only they gave up luxuries. Made me want to throttle the sanctimommy whenever I heard it because these days, it takes more than just giving up the designer clothes and the BMW to afford to be a full-time homemaker. You need to be lucky enough to have a husband making a decent salary.

[silliness7]

I don't think there's any "tactful" way to say something about other people's choices that they have made for their lives that are obviously THEIR choices for THEIR kids, especially since we have also made OUR choices for OUR kids, and it's THEIR choice if they want to have a certain size of house or or go to work.

 

I find this kind of thought process utterly unappealing and somewhat judgmental. Just because someone works outside the home doesn't mean they are less of a parent.

 

 

But the point of the OP wasn't for stay-at-home moms to judge working moms.

 

I think the point of the OP is that there are working moms who make false assumptions about stay-at-home moms. And there are certain remarks made by certain working moms that seem to illuminate those assumptions.

 

She was careful to say that not all working moms are in the same financial boat and therefore don't have the same false assumptions. But for those who do make false assumptions what can be said to bring the truth to light?

 

I think the pp that said something to the effect of we sacrifice ALOT financially to make this happen would work just fine. You could enumerate if it seems appropriate. We live in an older neighborhood, drive older cars, we don't eat out or buy convenience food, we buy our clothes and furniture second-hand, we don't take expensive vacations, etc.

 

It could be quite an educational conversation for them. I was nearly due with my first child when a dear friend took me to my first garage sale. Buying used things was not in my paradigm at.all. before that and I had lots of credit card debt to prove it.

 

I've read that many young couples have the expectation that they will have the same standard of living just starting out that their parents currently have after 20-30 plus years of working and saving.

 

Sometimes people are just clueless. I was one of them. I don't think it's judgmental to educate them. ;)

[MSNative]

Mildly off-topic - I don't understand when it became cool to moan about having to be with your kids. However, the number of moms I see counting down the days til school "gets these kids out of my hair" or fussing about snow days is depressing. I know that they love their kids and they are good moms. This is just a thing that moms seem to do now. (or maybe they've always done it. Don't know)

[melissel]

Mildly off-topic - I don't understand when it became cool to moan about having to be with your kids. However, the number of moms I see counting down the days til school "gets these kids out of my hair" or fussing about snow days is depressing. I know that they love their kids and they are good moms. This is just a thing that moms seem to do now. (or maybe they've always done it. Don't know)

 

FWIW, not everyone has the temperament to be with their kids all day every day. I really, really don't, and it's my biggest struggle as a HSer. I deal with it, but it colors every aspect of my life. If I could find somewhere that I believed was a good environment for them and I could send them for a few hours every day, I would.

 

And kids who are outside of their very firm routines can be hard to be around. I remember being bored out of my gourd by the end of summer vacations. My parents worked, so I was home alone. If my mom was home with me, I'm sure I'd have been driving her crazy. That goes double for snow days.

 

Also, I'm betting they've always done it. We just pay attention now because we're actually in that season of our lives.

Edited January 7, 2011 by melissel

[Rivka]

I always say my children need their mom more than $100 shoes! That usually gets my point across.

 

Goodness! I'm sure it does.

 

 

Out of kindness, I feel that I should warn you that this doesn't reflect on you as well as you seem to think it does.

[Gobblygook]

Well, until recently, I didn't have a choice. My husband had chronic pain issues and had to reduce his hours to part-time. I had to work full-time, or we wouldn't eat. We already live very frugally. It broke my heart every day to go to work.

 

Once his health improved to the point where he could increase his hours, I did quit. And while it is a financial sacrifice, I love being home with my kids.

[MotherGoose]

I thought about this this AM when dd4 awoke not herself, no fever or whatever, but not right. I knew this for sure when she fell asleep as I held her (while I sat on the toilet where I sat to take her temperature). So there was nothing that would have really kept her out of daycare, had I wanted to send her. But I put her back in the bed, canceled the vet's appt we were planning to go to, and let her sleep. She is still quiet, not quite herself, but okay. I just would hate to have felt I *had* to send her to daycare so I could go to work, when she just needed her bed and her mommy!

[Ibbygirl]

Well, until recently, I didn't have a choice. My husband had chronic pain issues and had to reduce his hours to part-time. I had to work full-time, or we wouldn't eat. We already live very frugally. It broke my heart every day to go to work.

:grouphug::grouphug: That is so hard.

Once his health improved to the point where he could increase his hours, I did quit. And while it is a financial sacrifice, I love being home with my kids.

Me too. :)

[Audrey]

Mildly off-topic - I don't understand when it became cool to moan about having to be with your kids. However, the number of moms I see counting down the days til school "gets these kids out of my hair" or fussing about snow days is depressing. I know that they love their kids and they are good moms. This is just a thing that moms seem to do now. (or maybe they've always done it. Don't know)

 

There are people from many walks of life who feel the need to make complaining their career. That's not just public school moms.

[MrsBasil]

Not really, but kind of.

 

This may not reflect well on me, but I was talking to a friend who was seriously stressing about K for her oldest dd. The local school was not an option for a variety of good reasons and her state doesn't offer school choice and there doesn't seem to be much in the way of charter schools.

 

So, the other options were private schools. One was a good fit all the way around, but they would have needed a scholarship for her to attend. The other wouldn't take her for another year due to her age. It wasn't as good as a fit in some ways, but it was doable from a money standpoint.

 

She was seriously stressed and venting, because she had no idea what she was going to do if the one school didn't offer a scholarship. My friend was working part time and has cheap quality daycare thanks to her mom.

 

I suggested if the scholarship didn't come through she could homeschool her DD for a year and she could start K at the other private school next year. Her DD could already read, count, add, was learning subtraction at home, and her handwriting was on the level of what was expected from a K student. I mentioned a few ways she could do it cheaply and with minimal time spent, so she could still work.

 

I was trying to help her with a solution, but I think I just stressed her out more. She had concrete reasons for wanting her DD in school. Our goals and priorities are different and we both want what is best for our families, but my suggestion wasn't helpful for her.

[PiCO]

There are people from many walks of life who feel the need to make complaining their career. That's not just public school moms.

 

Yes, my pet peeve is spouse-bashing.

 

FWIW, my kids are in public school and I can't think of any moms off-hand who complain about having their kids at home.

[Word Nerd]

I keep hearing friends and family members lament that they have to go back to work after the holidays, leaving their dc in daycare again. I totally understand that in some cases it is not possible for mom to stay home, either because there is no dh or dh does not make enough to properly feed/clothe/house everyone. For these people it is not the case at all. If they bought a slightly smaller home and drove a slightly older car, it would be no problem at all. They don't HAVE to go to work. They have made work (and having stuff) a higher priority than their kids.

 

If anyone has a tactful way to say something, I'd love to hear it. Even if they won't listen.

 

How do you know this? Do they share their private financial information with you? Have you reviewed their income and expenses and do you know how they budget their money? If not, why do you think it's your call to say whether they have to work or not?

[elizabeth]

I want to yell this every time they ask when dd is going to go to real school....Gee I thought that was what we were doing by hsing. I have decided that most negativity about hsing is about ego that of parents and teachers being somewhat stepped on by the concept.

[Virg]

I do daycare and used to teach pre-school and I constantly hear from many (not all) parents that they don't know how I do it, they would go crazy if they had to stay at home with their kids, etc. I know it isn't for everyone but it does make me sad because I know how much their children desperately with they could be at home with mom.

[Elaine]

I keep hearing friends and family members lament that they have to go back to work after the holidays, leaving their dc in daycare again. I totally understand that in some cases it is not possible for mom to stay home, either because there is no dh or dh does not make enough to properly feed/clothe/house everyone. For these people it is not the case at all. If they bought a slightly smaller home and drove a slightly older car, it would be no problem at all. They don't HAVE to go to work. They have made work (and having stuff) a higher priority than their kids.

 

If anyone has a tactful way to say something, I'd love to hear it. Even if they won't listen.

 

It's too bad that the majority of the people posting in this thread want to judge you rather than answer your question.

 

I don't know of a tactful way to say that. If people are complaining they, most times, are not looking for a solution, but rather a listening ear. I would probably say something along the lines of, "Well, if you are really not happy with that situation why don't we get together and I can share with you some of the things that we do to cut back." Then the ball is in their court and you have given them a choice.

 

 

I have a woman on my block that complains like that. She asked me once in October how we afford for me stay home. I LOL'd and said look at my husband's truck. There is a reason we affectionately refer to it as "The Beast." My husband makes a really good living and we still shop at thrift stores, use Craigs list, go to garage sales, etc. I suggested these things to her and she was aghast that I would buy clothes for my children at garage sales.:lol: She made her choice, and living more frugally was not it.

[UmMusa]

Sounds to me like the OP is talking about a specific type of person - one who chooses to work and yet complains constantly. I don't think she's dissing parents who have to work or those who choose to but don't complain. I know that first type. Yeah, they're annoying. :glare:

That is what I also understood. I know of a few people who complain and I wonder why they keep saying they can't change.

 

One relative told me I'm so 'lucky to be able to stay at home' (this is before I ever homeschooled). I told her it wasn't about luck but about our choice. I could go work and we'd be able to party (like she and her DH do), take more vacations (like she and her DH do) and have more fancy clothes, but we're fine where we are.

 

I also get that there are sooo many levels of this issue. Bottome line: we never know the details of another person's choices. They might not let on to everything. I still try not to complain about my kids or boredom b/c I don't want to sound like I'm whining about my 'choice'.

[Tree House Academy]

I don't. I usually pray for that family when I hear that. What bothers me is when the moms complain because their children have to be at home with them. That gets under my skin...when ps becomes the "babysitter" so mom can have "me time" or whatever. Um...don't have kids if you are going to let the ps raise them. Just my opinion. But no, when I hear someone say, "Gosh, I really wish I didn't have to go back to work" - it breaks my heart. At least I know that they WANT to be with their kids and for whatever reason, feel they just can't at that moment. I have a very good friend who really wants to homeschool, but her dh is disabled and was laid off and they just do not make the funds for her to stay home. She is crushed she can't homeschool her son. I would never think she actually had a choice and just wasn't using that option. She would do about anything and she just can't. :(

 

ETA: I do understand your question, but I think maybe you are looking at it as black and white and it really isn't. Yes, people could buy a new smaller house...but that would mean selling their current home and moving. The housing market isn't great right now and i am not sure how feasible that is in honesty. Driving a cheaper car also takes work. You have to get rid of the old one first and if you are still paying payments, this can be tough. It isn't just cut and dry...even for the families you mentioned. Pray for them if you feel so inclined. At least the moms have a desire to try to be at home for their kids. That is more than you can say for a lot of people.

Edited January 8, 2011 by Tree House Academy

[Crimson Wife]

I think the pp that said something to the effect of we sacrifice ALOT financially to make this happen would work just fine.

 

One relative told me I'm so 'lucky to be able to stay at home' (this is before I ever homeschooled). I told her it wasn't about luck but about our choice.

 

But that makes the assumption that the employed mom isn't making the exact same kinds of sacrifices and that she could be a SAHM if she really wanted to. Which for many families today simply is not the case.

 

Those of us who are LUCKY enough to be SAHM's need to keep our mouths shut about the sacrifices we are making if they're the normal types of things. Unless you're living some kind of Ma Ingalls existence, you have no right to sanctimony.

[Audrey]

Yes, my pet peeve is spouse-bashing.

 

FWIW, my kids are in public school and I can't think of any moms off-hand who complain about having their kids at home.

 

 

My pet peeve is parent-bashing. My parents are both dead. I'm jealous of people who still have theirs.

[Lizzie in Ma]

It never occurs to me to say that.

 

Don't you know everyone has a story?

 

That woman might work to sock money away for her future because her husband is unreliable or the future of his job is uncertain. She might make more than her husband does, and be responsible for the mortgage or rent. This is assuming she has a husband at all or that her husband is an equal partner in responsibility and decision-maker.

 

She might really believe that the daycare offers her child something that she thinks he needs. She might simply be a better Mommy if she isn't the primary caregiver all day, every day. That doesn't mean she doesn't love her child or doesn't miss him when he's gone.

 

Whatever. Not my business.

 

If someone says to me, "How do you cut corners financially to be able to homeschool?" I can answer that.

 

What a beautiful, grace-filled answer.

[Elaine]

But that makes the assumption that the employed mom isn't making the exact same kinds of sacrifices and that she could be a SAHM if she really wanted to. Which for many families today simply is not the case.

 

Those of us who are LUCKY enough to be SAHM's need to keep our mouths shut about the sacrifices we are making if they're the normal types of things. Unless you're living some kind of Ma Ingalls existence, you have no right to sanctimony.

 

Luck has nothing to do with it. Luck implies that a good job and a comfortable existence simply fell into your lap. It is all about hard work and sacrifice. If a family is not willing to make the sacrifices than they should not complain.

 

Not sanctimonious, just a fact.

[Word Nerd]

Luck has nothing to do with it. Luck implies that a good job and a comfortable existence simply fell into your lap. It is all about hard work and sacrifice. If a family is not willing to make the sacrifices than they should not complain.

 

Not sanctimonious, just a fact.

 

Not a fact--an assumption that those who do not have a comfortable life and a good job have not worked hard or sacrificed. Sounds sanctimonious to me.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

Luck has nothing to do with it. Luck implies that a good job and a comfortable existence simply fell into your lap. It is all about hard work and sacrifice. If a family is not willing to make the sacrifices than they should not complain.

 

Not sanctimonious, just a fact.

 

I think luck often does have something to do with IMHO. Many people are born into better lives with more opportunities. Or some people are in the right place at the right time or know the right people that allows them better situations. Sure hard work and sacrifice helps but it does not help in every instance. It is not always possible to have a stay at home parent even with hard work and sacrifice:(. Plus I believe the American dream is much harder to achieve today since you are competing with the whole world nowadays due to the global economy.

Edited January 8, 2011 by priscilla

[Gratia271]

Sounds to me like the OP is talking about a specific type of person - one who chooses to work and yet complains constantly. I don't think she's dissing parents who have to work or those who choose to but don't complain. I know that first type. Yeah, they're annoying. :glare:

 

That's the way I interpreted it too.

 

 

Luck has nothing to do with it. Luck implies that a good job and a comfortable existence simply fell into your lap. It is all about hard work and sacrifice.

 

:iagree:

 

Everyone has choices, at least most people and to some extent. There are people who don't have many choices, work hard and struggle tremendously. I don't think the OP was discussing people like this. She was referencing women who have a choice.

 

Some women are never satisfied. They whine about work at home, and they whine about home at work. To each their own. I don't think most people care what choice a woman makes, whether to work or to stay at home. It boils down to owning the choice you make.

[Elaine]

Not a fact--an assumption that those who do not have a comfortable life and a good job have not worked hard or sacrificed. Sounds sanctimonious to me.

 

I never said that, nor do I assume that. You implied that it all has to do with luck, and it doesn't. If you don't like your life then change it. Simple as that.

[Word Nerd]

I never said that, nor do I assume that. You implied that it all has to do with luck, and it doesn't. If you don't like your life then change it. Simple as that.

 

Fair enough on your first point above. I apologize for reading too much into your comment. As for the rest, I said nothing at all about luck or not liking my life.

[Mejane]

Luck has nothing to do with it. Luck implies that a good job and a comfortable existence simply fell into your lap. It is all about hard work and sacrifice. If a family is not willing to make the sacrifices than they should not complain.

 

Not sanctimonious, just a fact.

 

 

:iagree:

[Elaine]

I think luck often does have something to do with IMHO. Many people are born into better lives with more opportunities. Or some people are in the right place at the right time or know the right people that allows them better situations. Sure hard work and sacrifice helps but it does not help in every instance. It is not always possible to have a stay at home parent even with hard work and sacrifice:(. Plus I believe the American dream is much harder to achieve today since you are competing with the whole world nowadays due to the global economy.

 

I disagree. And I think that the statements,"born into better lives with more opportunities" and "in the right place at the right time or know the right people that allows them better situations" are excuses.

 

I will use myself as an example. When we got married my husband was making $15.50 an hour as a tree trimmer. You cannot live in NJ on $15.50 an hour. So we said, "How can we make our lives better and afford for me to stay home?"

 

I knew that I was not going to work outside the home, so it was all on him. He pounded that pavement and got a job as an apprentice lineman with a utility. This was not easy as most jobs are obtained through nepotism, but he did it. He could have sat on the couch and said, "Someday my luck will change and I will get a better job." Or, he could be realistic and go out there and make it happen.

 

An apprentice lineman, at the time, was making $11.38/hour. We took a large pay cut, and sacrificed unbelievably for two years. Now we have the pay off.

 

I do not judge any mother who works outside the home. If that is what you need to do, then do it. But, don't complain about it if you do have a choice. There is always a choice. You may not like the choice, but there is one.

[laughing lioness]

No. People have ears to hear, or they don't.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

I disagree. And I think that the statements,"born into better lives with more opportunities" and "in the right place at the right time or know the right people that allows them better situations" are excuses.

 

I will use myself as an example. When we got married my husband was making $15.50 an hour as a tree trimmer. You cannot live in NJ on $15.50 an hour. So we said, "How can we make our lives better and afford for me to stay home?"

 

I knew that I was not going to work outside the home, so it was all on him. He pounded that pavement and got a job as an apprentice lineman with a utility. This was not easy as most jobs are obtained through nepotism, but he did it. He could have sat on the couch and said, "Someday my luck will change and I will get a better job." Or, he could be realistic and go out there and make it happen.

 

An apprentice lineman, at the time, was making $11.38/hour. We took a large pay cut, and sacrificed unbelievably for two years. Now we have the pay off.

 

I do not judge any mother who works outside the home. If that is what you need to do, then do it. But, don't complain about it if you do have a choice. There is always a choice. You may not like the choice, but there is one.

 

IMHO I do not think there is always a choice or that hard work and sacrifice always gets the results someone desires such as having a stay at home parent. I strongly advocate hard work and sacrifice for everyone but again I do not think it works for everyone. I think there are many people who are in dire circumstances and not everyone can work their way out of it.

 

I was fortunate to be born into good circumstances and I have had many friends born into terrible circumstances. I am grateful to be able to stay at home since it is not often a reality today:(. I have come to the conclusion that it can be very difficult to get out of bad circumstances. Does this mean that one should not try? Of course not. I do think that the reality of the situation today is that it is harder to get out of bad circumstances than it was in my grandfather's day. I think the reality of the situation is that luck or circumstance or chaos sometimes does play a role in people's lives:(. I took care of many people who had the bad luck of the draw when it came to health as well. I think that there are just as many people born into bad circumstances as well. Of course, hard work and sacrifice should still be encouraged.

[KidsHappen]

:rant:I think this entire conversation misses the entire point. It doesn't really matter what choices you have made or what subject you are talking about. Sometimes you can be doing exactly what you want to be doing and it is harder than you expected, you have a bad day, you are having a rough period or you discover that you aren't cut out to do whatever it is you want to do. Everyone has a right to complain and to be heard and to have understanding about the difficulties in their life. Most of the time people are just looking for someone to hear them, to understand them and to support and encourage them.

 

I would say that most people who get married want to be married. They want to stay married. They might even have an excellent understanding of what it takes to have a good marriage and be willing to do what it takes to have one. That doesn't mean that they don't ever have disagreements, that they don't ever have problems with their spouse that there marriage isn't quite what they thought it would be. They made their choice and they are happy with it and don't really want to change it. Does this mean they never have the right to complain about any aspect of it? Really?

 

Once you have made a choice it life, your only options are to except it exactly as it is or to change it but never to accept it, let off steam and get on with the business at hand? No escape valves?

 

And what about the people that made choices that weren't the right ones to begin with and they don't know how to change? They have no right to complain? How about the ones that made the best choices they could under the circumstances but not the one they would have preferred? Tough cookies? Really?

 

It abosoutely amazes me how cold and hard and judgemental people can be, how little grace people are willing to extend to others who aren't exactly like them. I just hope that people like this don't find themselves needing a little support and understanding before they have the maturity to see that all people deserve it because if not they might not find it available when they need it. They may find someone saying, you made your bed - deal. :rant:

 

As you might can tell, the tone of this board has been bothering me of late and I finally just felt the need to make a choice and say something about it. Examine your own behavior and preconceived notions and judgements you make before comlaining about someone else'e.

 

 

 

ETA: I have no idea how this ended up here. It was supposed to go at the end of the thread. I was not responding to this particular post.

Edited January 8, 2011 by KidsHappen

[Mejane]

Everyone needs to let off steam once in awhile. Some people wear complaining like a mantle. :glare:

[Tap]

No, I don't because they could say the same back to me. Our lives have changed in the past 5mths with dd12 and ds16 going to full time school, but for the 5 years before that, I worked 20-30 hours a week, homeschooled two, and took on a 5mo foster child. My life was crazy busy, and I did complain sometimes. I have had friends say:

 

1. Why work, when you don't have to? True, but my work is my sanity. I can't spend all day in kid land. I need to work for ME. I like the challenge of my job. I like my coworkers and am good at my job. I don't have close family, I don't have friends who like to hang out. My work is my family. The 5 of us work in a 12x20 foot area day in and day out. We know each other very, very well.

 

I am a stress case if I am on a strict budget. Some people love the challenge of digging through the bargain rack at Goodwill, I don't! I bargain shop a bit, but it is by choice. I know this about myself. I am willing to give up my free time to work, so I don't have to. That is my choice and my right! I am a parent but I am also my own person.

 

The majority of my job pays for our luxuries like sports and fun classes that do enrich my kids lives. Necessary, NO, but loved non-the-less. I have friend who purposefully keeps her income very low so they qualify for discounts on extras for her kids. She comments that I could quit work and do the same, essentially maintaining the same level of activities. What she really hasn't put together is that it is parents like me who are paying a bit extra each month inside these fees... for her kids tuition/fees scholarships.

 

My income allows dh to invest in our retirement and our savings. It is very important for us and my working to pay for luxuries reduces his stress.

 

 

2. Why homeschool? Well I don't really need to explain that here. But, to many of my friends, they just don't get it. I can respect that, because I don't really get everything they do either. But, at the end of the day, their public schooled, daycared kids are some of my kids best friends and they adore each other. Their kids are kind and sweet, obedient and smart. They don't see the difference, and sometimes I can't either.

 

I have seen poorly homeschooled kids so I don't think homeschooling is for everyone. I have a good family friend who was forced to stop homeschooling her grandchildren by the state. I am a huge advocate of homeschooling, even unschooling but she really, really needed to let the kids go to school. I won't go into the details, but it wasn't a good emotional place for anyone in that family.

 

3. Why be on the run so much? Why do so many classes? Why do sports? Well, each of my kids are different and have abilities that are outside of my abilities. If I can afford it, and am willing to do it, why not?

 

 

But, although I choose all three of these things. I do complain sometimes. The days that I spend 4+ hours driving everywhere. The 12 hour days at work back to back. The difficulties at work. Life gets hard, and sometimes we all want to let it out.

 

I don't think that is any different than lending an ear to my friends who work full time and are looking for a better daycare. Or my friend who has a public school teacher husband, and she would love to send her kids to private school but he says "no, way, they go where I work". We all have struggles and we all have things that bug us. That doesn't mean we want to throw in the towel or give up what we have chosen. It is just a gripe. Just a bad day or a circumstance.

 

 

 

 

 

So, for me, no I don't want to tell someone else they have a choice(unless I do it jokingly). I am not a homeschool evangelical missionary. I don't feel the need to proselytize my values onto someone else. I am the first to step in if someone wants my help getting info on homeschooling and choosing curriculum (that is what led me here years ago) but unless they want my help, No, I won't be yelling it at them.

[KidsHappen]

I don't know of a tactful way to say that. If people are complaining they, most times, are not looking for a solution, but rather a listening ear.

 

:iagree: This is what I was trying to say in my long winded post. Cut people some slack. Sometimes all you can say is, "I am sorry to hear that." Sometimes that is all people need to hear.

[Melinda in VT]

Luck has nothing to do with it. Luck implies that a good job and a comfortable existence simply fell into your lap. It is all about hard work and sacrifice. If a family is not willing to make the sacrifices than they should not complain.

 

Not sanctimonious, just a fact.

 

I disagree. Saying "luck has nothing to do with it" is just as erroneous as saying luck has everything to do with it.

 

I have been very fortunate in my professional life. I like to think I work hard, but I also have to acknowledge many times when I have simply been in the right place at the right time. Like landing my first professional job two weeks before a major employer in the area laid off 75% of their employees in my field. Would I have been hired, fresh out of school, if all of those experienced people had been unemployed and searching? Unlikely.

 

Not to mention the fantastic fortune of having been born with a good brain to a stable, loving family in a prosperous nation.