I think I got the short end of the stick here.

[Rhonda in TX]

My in-laws are very generous with gifts at Christmas. (more so for DH than me, but I think I've finally gotten over that) Anyway, DH had nothing he wanted for Christmas that we could afford, so MIL said I could go in with her on a gift, and I could give it to him myself. I thought that was a good idea. (They are giving him other things, including an iPad, so she's not worried about him not having something to open from them.)

 

So, she calls today and tells me she has found what he's asked for (in case you're wondering, it's an electric guitar amp). I ask her how much it was, and she says, "Well, how much did you want to contribute?" I said, "About $150." She says, "Well, I was going to give you some cash for Christmas, so I'll just keep it and we'll call it even." Ohhh-kay.

 

I think I now owe myself $150. Right?

[Pink Fairy]

She's getting him an Ipad, in addition to other stuff, and your only gift is that you won't have to put in money for his guitar amp? Yep, you definitely owe yourself $150.

 

These in-laws stories always leave me :svengo:.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Huh? :confused:

 

I think you definitely owe yourself $150.

[petepie2]

It looks that way!! Hit the after Christmas sales with your new found cash! Wow, you weren't kidding when you said they were more generous with your DH than with you....

[Mejane]

 

I think I now owe myself $150. Right?

 

Yes. I hope you get something nice from yourself. ;)

[Liz CA]

The logic is a bit off. Make yourself a "White Russian" and lean way back in that recliner!

Golly, if nothing else, I can really learn from this board what not to do if/when I become the mother-in-law.

[Mrs Mungo]

She's getting him an Ipad, in addition to other stuff, and your only gift is that you won't have to put in money for his guitar amp? Yep, you definitely owe yourself $150.

 

 

 

:iagree::glare:

[Photo Ninja]

Be sure to put that $150 cash in an envelope and set it under the tree for yourself!

[Rhonda in TX]

Clarification... I doubt the cash is my only gift. However, mine will still total way, way below even the iPad. WAY below.

[mo2]

My in-laws are very generous with gifts at Christmas. (more so for DH than me, but I think I've finally gotten over that) Anyway, DH had nothing he wanted for Christmas that we could afford, so MIL said I could go in with her on a gift, and I could give it to him myself. I thought that was a good idea. (They are giving him other things, including an iPad, so she's not worried about him not having something to open from them.)

 

So, she calls today and tells me she has found what he's asked for (in case you're wondering, it's an electric guitar amp). I ask her how much it was, and she says, "Well, how much did you want to contribute?" I said, "About $150." She says, "Well, I was going to give you some cash for Christmas, so I'll just keep it and we'll call it even." Ohhh-kay.

 

I think I now owe myself $150. Right?

 

You didn't get the short end of the stick. You got permission to take that $150 and spend it on whatever you want FOR YOURSELF. Doesn't sound too bad to me! ;)

 

I realize that your $150 is way less than what his gift is costing. But I would rather have $150 to spend on what I want than a gift worth $300 that I don't want...if that makes sense.

Edited December 21, 2010 by mo2

[Rhonda in TX]

The logic is a bit off. Make yourself a "White Russian" and lean way back in that recliner!

Golly, if nothing else, I can really learn from this board what not to do if/when I become the mother-in-law.

 

DH doesn't understand why I try so hard to make sure our kids' gifts are equal. THIS is why. (He's an only child, so he never had to worry about that stuff.)

[Mama Geek]

That is worse than last year when my MIL asked me to buy my own gift and wrap it and not spend more than $X on it. This was after I gave her a list of exact things that I wanted because she begs for a list every year starting well before Thanksgiving.

 

This year she had my SIL order stuff from Amazon for my Birthday from her. Once again I had sent her a link to the exact things that I wanted, but she couldn't be bothered to order it herself. No she isn't computer illiterate either.

 

Thankfully dh, dd, and I are staying home for Christmas. In the 16 years we have been married we have spent probably 14 with the IL's. I hope we are able to make staying home a new tradition.

[Rhonda in TX]

You didn't get the short end of the stick. You got permission to take that $150 and spend it on whatever you want FOR YOURSELF. Doesn't sound too bad to me! ;)

 

I like your perspective!! :D

[Liz CA]

I like your perspective!! :D

 

Well, this is what it amounts to in the end...but they certainly chose the easy way out. No effort, no gift wrapping, no thinking...

[Rhonda in TX]

And he really doesn't understand why I get upset about the inequality. I just end up feeling greedy when I try to talk to him about it. Sigh...

[Mejane]

You didn't get the short end of the stick. You got permission to take that $150 and spend it on whatever you want FOR YOURSELF. Doesn't sound too bad to me! ;)

 

 

 

:iagree: and you don't have to worry about getting something awful (see hideous Christmas gift thread.) :D

[stormy weather]

:blink: Sheesh, some days I congratulate myself on never having married and missing out on in-laws. This is one of them. I think you deserve the $150 and a large fee for thinking up the gift for her.:tongue_smilie:

[always cookin']

I admit that I am not all that concerned about gifts, but I would be thankful that she is willing to chip in on his gift. My MIL either buys me nothing or junk (I prefer nothing), but I would be thrilled if she wanted to chip in on something that someone actually wanted. She does buy DH a gift. I just can't waste time getting upset over gifts.

[Rhonda in TX]

I admit that I am not all that concerned about gifts' date=' but I would be thankful that she is willing to chip in on his gift. My MIL either buys me nothing or junk (I prefer nothing), but I would be thrilled if she wanted to chip in on something that someone actually wanted. She does buy DH a gift. I just can't waste time getting upset over gifts.[/quote']

 

I'm actually looking at this as kind of humorous. I'm really not that upset.

[mooooom]

it is unreasonable to spend more money on your own child than on their spouse. I, personally, would be very upset, if the grandkids weren't spent on reasonably evenly, but it never bothered me at all that dh's parents spent more on him than on me and vice versa. It seems pretty normal. I do feel badly now that dh's mom doesn't remember things like bday & Christmas presents anymore (although she at least usually remembers who her son is) and he think he is pretty grateful that my parents remember him on those occasions.

[Denisemomof4]

hold onto that $150 for another week. You'll get MUCH more than $150 worth of stuff when you take advantage of all the sales!

 

There's a good chance your MIL didn't mean it the way you took it. She was probably thinking, hey, if you're going to give me money, but I was going to give you money, let's just not swap bills, KWIM? I certainly understand why you took it the way you did, but she probably didn't even realize what she was saying at the time. If she did, shame on her.

[mom4him]

Golly, if nothing else, I can really learn from this board what not to do if/when I become the mother-in-law.

I am a mother in law and would never dream of doing something like this. I have to admit it is something my MIL would have done except she rarely gave me anything for birthday/Christmas. The one time I remember her giving me something it was a pair of white anklets:lol::lol: a size to small.:lol::lol::lol:

 

You may just have to give any expectations of her up in this area.:grouphug:

[always cookin']

I am having a baaaad day, and I have a crappy MIL who treats me like garbage.

[Catwoman]

Clarification... I doubt the cash is my only gift. However, mine will still total way, way below even the iPad. WAY below.

 

So basically, you owe yourself $150 plus and iPad, right? ;)

 

Cat

[LizzyBee]

:confused: Hmm, I thought it was normal for the bio child's gifts to be more than the in-laws' gifts. And I think $150 is an incredibly generous gift.

 

Maybe I have a different perspective because I'd rather shop for my own gifts.

Edited December 21, 2010 by LizzyBee

[mo2]

Popping back in to remind you that the money should be spent on YOU, not on CURRICULA OR BOOKS FOR THE KIDS. (only because that is what I would spend it on!) ;)

[3littlekeets]

DH doesn't understand why I try so hard to make sure our kids' gifts are equal. THIS is why. (He's an only child, so he never had to worry about that stuff.)

 

Clearly your MIL didn't display the best holiday etiquette in this situation :D.

 

Also, I would have NO problem with DH's family spending more on him. He IS their child -- and their ONLY child. My sister and I always spend more on each other than our spouses....

 

I understand that grandchildren should be treated equitably (not even equally, imho), but in-laws are simply not the same as parents.

[HollyDay]

Early in my marriage, mil gave me a designer shirt size XXXL with a note saying she hoped it wasn't too small:glare:

[Mommyfaithe]

The logic is a bit off. Make yourself a "White Russian" and lean way back in that recliner!

Golly, if nothing else, I can really learn from this board what not to do if/when I become the mother-in-law.

 

:iagree::iagree:

[Catwoman]

Early in my marriage, mil gave me a designer shirt size XXXL with a note saying she hoped it wasn't too small:glare:

 

And the next year, you gave her a small, ticking box... and then ran away really fast. ;)

 

And if you didn't, I'll bet you wanted to.

 

Cat

[Mommyfaithe]

Early in my marriage, mil gave me a designer shirt size XXXL with a note saying she hoped it wasn't too small:glare:

 

:svengo:

[Rhonda in TX]

Early in my marriage, mil gave me a designer shirt size XXXL with a note saying she hoped it wasn't too small:glare:

 

Wow! My MIL is actually a very nice woman. She just doesn't see the discrepancy in gift giving at all. Other than that, our relationship is fine. She would never, ever do something like that.

 

Time to count my blessings...

[Puma Mom]

I agree that I'd love getting $150 to spend on myself.

 

Also, I'd look at their gifts to him as things your family doesn't have to purchase. Your family is getting a free iPad for dh to use!

[Rhonda in TX]

Popping back in to remind you that the money should be spent on YOU, not on CURRICULA OR BOOKS FOR THE KIDS. (only because that is what I would spend it on!) ;)

 

So would I! :)

 

Actually, I desperately want a Mac laptop and have for a couple of years. I really should put the money aside for that.

[3littlekeets]

Wow! My MIL is actually a very nice woman. She just doesn't see the discrepancy in gift giving at all. Other than that, our relationship is fine. She would never, ever do something like that.

 

Time to count my blessings...

 

 

I truly don't understand this. I'm not trying to be snarky,,,,I'm confused. Why do you think that she should spend the same on you as her own son? :confused:. It is very different in my own family, and I'd like to better understand your reasoning. One day I will be a MIL and need to prepare myself for the potential perspectives. :grouphug:

[mo2]

I truly don't understand this. I'm not trying to be snarky,,,,I'm confused. Why do you think that she should spend the same on you as her own son? :confused:. It is very different in my own family, and I'd like to better understand your reasoning. One day I will be a MIL and need to prepare myself for the potential perspectives. :grouphug:

 

I don't know how it SHOULD be necessarily (and I don't think there really is an answer to that), but my MIL spends the same amount on her kids and kids-in-law. Always. If she is even $5 off, she will give the person who was "shorted" $5 cash.

[Melinda in VT]

I truly don't understand this. I'm not trying to be snarky,,,,I'm confused. Why do you think that she should spend the same on you as her own son? :confused:. It is very different in my own family, and I'd like to better understand your reasoning. One day I will be a MIL and need to prepare myself for the potential perspectives. :grouphug:

 

Both my parents and my ILs spend equivalent amounts on DH and I for birthdays and Xmas. Once you join the family, you're family.

[MelanieM]

I have a different perspective on this, so I'll share in case it helps you shift yours... You wanted to give your MIL $150 for the present and so rather than you give her cash only for her to turn around and give it back to you, she's told you to go ahead and give yourself that amount of money for Christmas from her. If you choose not to spend it on yourself, that's really your call... but it is money you budgeted and "spent" on your husband's gift, and then had the same amount gifted back to you.

 

She is also paying for the rest of the gift that you will then give to your husband from yourself because you couldn't afford it otherwise, so that's another gift to you, really. Yes, he gets the goods... but you get to be the gift-giver, so from her perspective I'm not sure what she gains in that scenario other than helping you both out.

 

On top of that, you expect she will have other gifts for you as well, even if they're not worth as much as the gifts she gives her son.

 

Really, she sounds quite generous. I also think she sounds pretty practical, which may or may not be appreciated by all recipients of gifts, but I think it's a great quality to have.

 

I hope you take that money and buy yourself something fun that you've been wanting! Everyone deserves a treat. :grouphug:

Edited December 22, 2010 by MelanieM

[Murphy101]

I truly don't understand this. I'm not trying to be snarky,,,,I'm confused. Why do you think that she should spend the same on you as her own son? :confused:. It is very different in my own family, and I'd like to better understand your reasoning. One day I will be a MIL and need to prepare myself for the potential perspectives. :grouphug:

 

I don't get it either.

 

Personally, think keeping score on gifts according to how much they cost IS greedy. If they got you a gift, that's enough. If it's one you like too - awesome. I can't even begin to comprehend feeling entitled to a gift, much less to one of equal or greater value to anyone else, especially my husband. In fact, I'd be perfectly happy to get nothing at all if it meant my dh or dc had an even happier Christmas.

 

I think my mil spends about the same on her only son and I, but I really haven't tallied it. Most of the time she spends a ridiculous amount (to my mind) but doesn't know us well enough to get anything we need or are interested in. It just seems a waste to me, but hey it's her money so whatever if it makes her holiday happy.

 

Your mil sounds generous and nice. I'd not let this bother me. I doubt I'd even notice! But I'm obvious to these things.

[kat19]

Both my parents and my ILs spend equivalent amounts on DH and I for birthdays and Xmas. Once you join the family, you're family.

 

 

Same here

[lmrich]

I get it...you are family. You even things out for your mom and for his mom. You would expect the same in return.

 

I struggle with giving gifts equally to my sister and my brother-in-law. I just know my sis so much better and can pick up little gifts for her throughout the year. Sadly, my brother-in-law doesn't enter my radar when I go to the craft fair or Bath and Body works. So, I also get why she (your mother in law) buys more for the person she knows better (her son).

 

But if it is the thought that counts (as it is with my sister's gifts)... you don't want to be thought of just keep the money - who cares; that makes it simple.

[Catwoman]

I Sadly, my brother-in-law doesn't enter my radar when I go to the craft fair or Bath and Body works.

 

Not for anything, but I would consider that to be a good thing. ;)

 

Cat

[elizabeth]

I get it. I am sorry. Maybe there are other things she says or does not say , that this wide disparity and frank dismissal of your needs, simply confirms and compounds in your own experience that you are not valued, appreciated or respected by her. This I understand all too well. I have lived it and it stinks.I think you are a dedicated hser, a great wife and mother and have never read one unkind or selfish word from you. Get a massage and pedicure or something else that is just indulgent and pay her no mind, it is her deal not yours.

[Hedgehog]

I am having a baaaad day' date=' and I have a crappy MIL who treats me like garbage.[/quote']

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry for you. That sucks.

 

As to the original post - I understand why that would niggle. But still, an iPad - however much it cost - is one diddy piece of technology, and at the rate things are going will be superseded by something better in a year or two. (Not meaning to encourage sour grapes! - but it is very likely!)

 

$150 - you can spend on anything you like, something that will really last and it's entirely your choice what you buy! :001_smile:

[5kidsforME]

And he really doesn't understand why I get upset about the inequality. I just end up feeling greedy when I try to talk to him about it. Sigh...

 

 

Rhonda, this has been me for years with my il's and dh's grandparents. I feel your pain. I think it has finally gotten through to dh how frustrating a situation it is for me. Dh's grandparents spend $180 every year on dh. On me? I got a wooden spoon pack, a pot holder and dish towel from the dollar store last year. :glare: AND then I'm supposed to profusely thank them.

 

It's hard to be thankful year after year.

[StephanieZ]

TBH, I think that was an extra bit of generosity from the inlaws. It was her gentle way of saying, "Keep the cash. I've got it covered." -- and to essentially pay herself for your gift to your dh. Pretty nice, really.

[Rhonda in TX]

I get it. I am sorry. Maybe there are other things she says or does not say , that this wide disparity and frank dismissal of your needs, simply confirms and compounds in your own experience that you are not valued, appreciated or respected by her. This I understand all too well. I have lived it and it stinks.I think you are a dedicated hser, a great wife and mother and have never read one unkind or selfish word from you. Get a massage and pedicure or something else that is just indulgent and pay her no mind, it is her deal not yours.

 

What sweet words. Thanks you so much. :)

[Rhonda in TX]

I truly don't understand this. I'm not trying to be snarky,,,,I'm confused. Why do you think that she should spend the same on you as her own son? :confused:. It is very different in my own family, and I'd like to better understand your reasoning. One day I will be a MIL and need to prepare myself for the potential perspectives. :grouphug:

 

It's not a one-time discrepancy, and it's not a small discrepancy. We are talking literally thousands and thousands of dollars over the past few years. If DH wants something, and it's out of our budget, he automatically assumes that his parents will get it for him (and they do). When I want something that's out of our budget, I just do without. That is very frustrating.

 

It used to be more equitable, but that has changed, and I think that's what's really bothering me. I can honestly say that I think my MIL shows love through gifts. When I stop getting gifts (this past year I got nothing for my birthday from them, and that has never happened before), I worry about our relationship.

[3littlekeets]

It used to be more equitable, but that has changed, and I think that's what's really bothering me. I can honestly say that I think my MIL shows love through gifts. When I stop getting gifts (this past year I got nothing for my birthday from them, and that has never happened before), I worry about our relationship.

 

Okay, that does make more sense. I'm sorry that things have gone downhill for you-- and I see now why it would concern you :grouphug:. YIKES on forgetting your birthday. That is horrendous!

[Murphy101]

It's not a one-time discrepancy, and it's not a small discrepancy. We are talking literally thousands and thousands of dollars over the past few years. If DH wants something, and it's out of our budget, he automatically assumes that his parents will get it for him (and they do). When I want something that's out of our budget, I just do without. That is very frustrating.

 

Wait. So he hits them up all year long every time he wants an expensive whatever? Yikes. That's a whole other issue. And as annoying as it is they enable it, I'd have less respect for my dh than them on that.

 

If he just let's the more expensive whatever wait until his birthday or Christmas? Fine. I don't see a problem with that.

 

It used to be more equitable, but that has changed, and I think that's what's

really bothering me. I can honestly say that I think my MIL shows love through gifts. When I stop getting gifts (this past year I got nothing for my birthday from them, and that has never happened before), I worry about our relationship.

 

Well maybe they just can't afford to keep it equitable and have decided to continue spurting on their own son. Maybe they are getting older and somethings are slipping, like occasionally a birthday.

 

I don't know. I'd hardly notice unless dh was hitting them up all the time.if I noticed, I'd just figure they either had a brain fart or other goals and let it go.