Would you give your teen consequences for this expensive mistake?

[Meriwether]

grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Oh my gosh! That is just awful -- what an unimaginable tragedy for your family! I'm so sorry! :grouphug:

 

Cat

 

I'm so sorry I gave that impression. I was typing one handed while nursing the baby and obviously made my post too concise.

[AndyJoy]

Yes, I'd have her help pay for it and not as a punishment. It is just something people do when they make a mistake that requires a repair. You made a mistake, okay. No one is mad. No one thinks badly of you. But you made a mistake and it took money to fix it, so you should do your part to help out.

 

I would make my 8yo do the same thing if he accidentally broke something of his sister's.

 

When I was 17yo, I would have helped pay for my own costly mistakes. I was working at that point though. It might be different if the teen still isn't working. Maybe extra chores to help out or something they can give up (winter camp) that would help pay the bill.

:iagree: It's not punishment, it's life. You make a mistake, no matter how unintentional, and you do your best to make it right, even if it's family. I think she is at the perfect age to learn this lesson.

[IsabelC]

I wouldn't issue a consequence, but I'd show her the receipt, tell her how much it cost you to get fixed, and ask her how she proposes to put it right. If she doesn't have the money, she might offer to repay it in installments, or do extra chores/errands for you to make up the shortfall.

[Catwoman]

My brother didn't die. I was just thinking to myself of times in my life when something could have gone terribly wrong. The clutch popped out and he was standing too close to avoid (he was talking to her and standing right in front of the rear tire). The large rear tire crossed his torso in a diagonal line. The tire scraped the side of his face so it missed running over his head by inches. He hit the back of his head so hard that he was blind temporarily. She led him back to the house, so it was at least 1/2 an hour, maybe hour before he started getting his sight back. It was scary. They could have acted more safely, but if he had died, no one would have "blamed" her, except herself. My brother would even tell you that he was more at fault, because he knew that tractor a whole lot better than she did.

 

ETA: It was actually a miracle. He had no long term injuries as a result. No broken ribs. No damaged organs. He was back to form as soon as the scrapes and bruises healed.

 

Oh -- thank goodness! I was picturing the worst! Thanks so much for the update!

 

Cat

[AuntieM]

Okay, veering off into the theoretical here, just for the sake of discussion.

 

This is an all play question. ;)

 

What if the dd had done something equally careless that had caused her personal injury, resulting in a $500 medical bill? What would the hive's response been to a parent asking whether she should pay for her medical bill?

 

I'll "play."

 

To me, it's about consequences. In the OP's case, the consequence for such a mistake is financial. As a teaching opportunity, the teen must feel it either in the pocketbook or in the loss of a vehicle, natural consequences of the

mistake.

 

In the scenario you present, the teen would be feeling the natural consequences in a very real, physical way. That, to me, would likely be consequence enough and I (parent) would absorb the financial cost.

[Amy loves Bud]

 

When we were in college, my dh had a bad habit of getting incompletes in his classes. His parents were paying his tuition, and finally told him that he would be paying for his classes upfront and they would reimburse him if he got a C or better. IMO that was completely appropriate!

 

Breaking an ankle or something like that is in a different category altogether, IMO.

 

I like that college plan and hope to be able to start off that way with my kids. I've had a couple of nieces and nephews waste some serious tuition money.

 

I'm responding under you, but I guess this is in response to everyone who answered me. First off, knowing my own kids, they would be devastated to make a mistake like the OPs and they would plan to pay for it. I doubt I would make them pay for it unless they had a pattern of this sort of accident happening, or different attitudes than they do now.

 

However, I don't feel that strongly about it, and I can certainly see why some of you would expect payment. I could probably be convinced either way on that point.

 

Where it gets weird for me is that it would be harder on my kids, particularly my oldest, to cause pain to someone else. If he got injured, it would be bad, but if he cost someone else a lot of money that would be exponentially harder on him. I feel like the "lesson" would be learned better from the property damage standpoint than the personal injury standpoint, if you are simply looking at how bad they feel about it.

 

And I think most of the arguments made about learning consequences now do apply to this situation. When they are out on their own, if they are careless and get hurt, they have to go to the doctor, they might miss work, they might have to incur the costs of prescriptions and the like. The lessons are similar, and they won't have someone paying for that mistake when they are grown. And young people are so invincible! Perhaps the cost of an injury would seem more serious than the injury itself for a lot of them. I certainly knew some people (particularly guys) in my youth who thought they could be the craziest daredevils on the planet and nothing bad would happen to them. These weren't bad kids, they were just kids, ykwim?

 

So anyway, just thinking outloud. Thanks for responding. :)

[Amy loves Bud]

My brother didn't die. I was just thinking to myself of times in my life when something could have gone terribly wrong. The clutch popped out and he was standing too close to avoid (he was talking to her and standing right in front of the rear tire). The large rear tire crossed his torso in a diagonal line. The tire scraped the side of his face so it missed running over his head by inches. He hit the back of his head so hard that he was blind temporarily. She led him back to the house, so it was at least 1/2 an hour, maybe hour before he started getting his sight back. It was scary. They could have acted more safely, but if he had died, no one would have "blamed" her, except herself. My brother would even tell you that he was more at fault, because he knew that tractor a whole lot better than she did.

 

ETA: It was actually a miracle. He had no long term injuries as a result. No broken ribs. No damaged organs. He was back to form as soon as the scrapes and bruises healed.

 

Wow! I'm glad it caused so little damage! My dad's brother ran over him with a stalk cutter when they were teenagers. He had long gashes across his body, and lost the tip of a finger. It could have been soooooooo much worse!

[nd293]

I borrowed my dd18's car and wanted to surprise her with a clean car when I returned it. I forgot her antenna is electric and I didn't put it down while the car wash was running. It cost $125 to have it replaced. Egads!

 

No good deed goes unpunished! Why are car mistakes always such expensive ones?

[nd293]

- She is generally careful with stuff.

 

 

This point is the key, I think. No lesson needs to be taught here, or more to the point, you've obviously taught it well already! If I was short of cash myself, I'd reduce allowance or something similar, but otherwise I wouldn't expect my dd to pay for such a mistake.

 

This was the point of my flat-tire story (and it was obviously badly put): we don't necessarily have to "pay" in some way for a lesson to be learned. And just as I don't need to be "educated" as to the cost of making a stupid mistake, I'd assume your dd, if old enough to drive, would understand that point well, especially as the responsible child you describe her as.

[Night Elf]

What if the dd had done something equally careless that had caused her personal injury, resulting in a $500 medical bill? What would the hive's response been to a parent asking whether she should pay for her medical bill?

 

I'm game for this hypothetical situation. I personally see a difference between the cost of the car and a medical bill. The family needs the car, including the teenager. Someone has to pay for it and she did hold some responsibility. But a medical bill is entirely different. That is something we, as parents, are obligated to handle. There might be other consequences, however. Let's say a child/teen was playing ball in the house, knocked over a lamp, and in the process of cleaning up the mess cut his/her hand and required stitches. It was a silly mistake that shouldn't have happened, especially if the family had a rule about no ball playing in the house. I would expect the child to pay for the lamp and I would probably confiscate all balls in the house for a while to make a point that if you can't play with it responsibly, you can't play with it period. So I'd be paying for the medical bills but my child would still have a consequence as well. That's life, even if we are helped out sometimes (such as the case where the company paid for the man's mistake with a vehicle). We should extend grace where appropriate, but sometimes there are consequences anyway.

 

Dd18 has a car, but technically it belongs to my husband because it's in his name. We call it hers and she knows it's her responsibility. She has paid for maintenance, and that's been about $800 since she got the car. None of us have questioned this because it makes sense to us. We pay for repairs to our car and she pays for hers. She just seems to "never have time" to go with DH to the tax commissioner's office to have the car put her in name. Hopefully, she'll go next week. :) But I still pay for all her medical care. She may be 18, but she's still a full-time high school student so she's on our car and medical insurance policies.

[Margaret in GA]

Haven't read all the posts, but want to offer my opinion: teens are not adults and should not be treated as such. They are still a work in progress and it's your job to oversee them. There is a reason why teenage drivers are more likely to have serious accidents-- because they are not fully developed and experienced. This from the CDC website:

 

Motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death for U.S. teens, accounting for more than one in three deaths in this age group.1 In 2009, eight teens ages 16 to 19 died every day from motor vehicle injuries. Per mile driven, teen drivers ages 16 to 19 are four times more likely than older drivers to crash.

 

So, no. I don't think you should make her pay for her mistake. It's part of the cost of her education.

 

Margaret

[LidiyaDawn]

Nah, I wouldn't make my daughter pay for that. We're a family - and we have 'family' expenses. This would be viewed as such to us. If it was me - would my husband expect me to do extra housework to "pay it off"? Or go out and get a night job? No. We'd use the "family" money to fix it. Same deal for this, in our home. :)

[cathmom]

The company paid for it and didn't make a huge deal out of it EXCEPT he got a nickname that stuck and he is still called that years later. My point was that mistakes do happen and whether I would hold them responsible for none, part, or all of it would depend entirely upon the child and the circumstances.

 

My dh's boss could've fired him for that - it was an expensive mistake. However, he obviously decided an otherwise loyal, trustworthy, and responsible employee can mistakes, too. If it had been another employee, one who was known to be careless or irresponsible, then he might have fired him.

 

I try to extend grace when possible and save the lessons for when it is necessary.

 

LOL! Now I know why you call him that!!

[Meriwether]

Wow! I'm glad it caused so little damage! My dad's brother ran over him with a stalk cutter when they were teenagers. He had long gashes across his body, and lost the tip of a finger. It could have been soooooooo much worse!

 

I'm glad it wasn't any worse than that for your dad. Farms can be such dangerous places. You can do the same chore safely thousands of times, and one day in a moment of inattention you can have a fatal accident.

[fairfarmhand]

tell you dd...I am a grown woman and almost made this mistake the other night. If the deisel nozzle hadn't been shaped differently, I would have done it! For my car the diameter of the diesel nozzle is too large to fit in the gas tank. I couldn't figure out why it wouldn't fit, till my dh said "hey! That's diesel!"

[Brilliant]

Here's the outcome:

 

After reading all the responses, I felt that we should ask dd to pay 1/2 over a few months. But dh and I talked when he got home last night, and he felt very strongly that we shouldn't ask her to pay, stressing the "mistake" aspect of it, and the fact that she is pretty sensitive and wouldn't need to pay to have the point driven home. So we talked to her when she got home - tears, regret, "yes, I now know the difference and will never do it again" etc.

 

I'm still appalled that she managed to do it - she says she's sure that she pressed the "87" button, and says that the pump must have had 2 nozzles on one pump - don't a lot of stations have a separate diesel pump? I guess we have all learned a lesson.

 

Someone suggested laying out the expectations for her - good advice. As soon as she is feeling less sensitive about this, dh and I need to have a chat with her about her responsibility for the car. I think our deductible is $1000, so she better put that amount into savings quick. :)

[PiCO]

I wouldn't. I think punishments should be more about teaching. First time is an honest mistake. I doubt she will make it again. (I know my kids would be mortified just at having caused so much damage.) If she does it again, she would be expected to pay for repairs.

 

I don't think she should be "punished", but she needs to know that mistakes have consequences.

 

My dd doesn't have a job, so I think her consequence would be she has to take the bus to school while her car is in the shop. I would have the shop take their time working on it. This would be a huge hardship for her- she would also need to get her own transportation to after-school sports.

[Unicorn.]

Did you actually drive to the station, and check out the pump in question? It could very well be the station's fault, if they don't have it clearly marked, or are using the wrong size nozzle. And yes, some pumps have both types on the same pump.

[Catwoman]

Here's the outcome:

 

But dh and I talked when he got home last night, and he felt very strongly that we shouldn't ask her to pay, stressing the "mistake" aspect of it, and the fact that she is pretty sensitive and wouldn't need to pay to have the point driven home. So we talked to her when she got home - tears, regret, "yes, I now know the difference and will never do it again" etc.

 

 

Thanks for the update -- I think you did the right thing. Your dd obviously regrets what happened, and I'm sure she'll be more careful in the future.

 

Cat

[Sun]

Haven't read all the posts, but want to offer my opinion: teens are not adults and should not be treated as such. They are still a work in progress and it's your job to oversee them. There is a reason why teenage drivers are more likely to have serious accidents-- because they are not fully developed and experienced. This from the CDC website:

 

Motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death for U.S. teens, accounting for more than one in three deaths in this age group.1 In 2009, eight teens ages 16 to 19 died every day from motor vehicle injuries. Per mile driven, teen drivers ages 16 to 19 are four times more likely than older drivers to crash.

 

So, no. I don't think you should make her pay for her mistake. It's part of the cost of her education.

 

Margaret

 

:iagree:

[Josie]

Right now I am looking on the positive side of this situation. At least she filled the tank! My sister's kids just bring it home limping and empty! I can't count the times has had to pray she makes it to the gas station before work. I know what I would do in her situation, but it is not my situation to handle. ;) OK, shared that to make you feel better.

 

I would probably have her pay some of the repair cost. She would have to pay it all if she owned the car. Mistakes have consequences even if you do feel awful about the mistake.

[Mom2J112903]

I'm sorry if this were my child, they would be paying every.single.penny back. First I would be upset with myself for not making 100% certain they knew how to fill the tank properly however. I was not allowed, and neither was DH, to take the car if we did not know the very basics of basics, like puttting gas in the tank.

 

And if she knew the difference, why did she do it?

 

Let's just say that J would not be driving for a *very* long time if he did something like this.

[MamaT]

I wouldn't. I think punishments should be more about teaching. First time is an honest mistake. I doubt she will make it again. (I know my kids would be mortified just at having caused so much damage.) If she does it again, she would be expected to pay for repairs.

 

:iagree:

[ColoradoMom]

I just can't imagine a way in which accidentally putting diesel into a car would be worthy of punishment.

[RanchGirl]

Assuming she is appropriately remorseful and gets how big this is to you, I wouldn't make her pay unless you feel it was just a totally careless act, which it doesn't sound like it was. To me, the fact that she was filling the tank indicates that she is trying to be responsible. At least it was only $500.... car mistakes can be so much more serious than that.

[CAMom]

I read the update and see that the OP's family handled in a way that was appropriate for their family.

 

I just wanted to say: I don't understand why some folks are likening paying for the damage to punishment?

 

I will also say that my permitted son recently scratched the car next to him while pulling into a parking stall. The damage to the other car was $700 plus around $100 for the rental for the owner. We are having him work off half of it for us. He doesn't have a job but he has plenty of babysitting opportunity for his 5 year old brother.;)

 

This is the decision we made because if it was his car he would definitely be totally responsible for his carelessness. I'm not saying that our decision was right for every family but I don't think we "punished" our son.

[AuntieM]

I read the update and see that the OP's family handled in a way that was appropriate for their family.

 

I just wanted to say: I don't understand why some folks are likening paying for the damage to punishment?

 

I will also say that my permitted son recently scratched the car next to him while pulling into a parking stall. The damage to the other car was $700 plus around $100 for the rental for the owner. We are having him work off half of it for us. He doesn't have a job but he has plenty of babysitting opportunity for his 5 year old brother.;)

 

This is the decision we made because if it was his car he would definitely be totally responsible for his carelessness. I'm not saying that our decision was right for every family but I don't think we "punished" our son.

I don't think you did, either. ;)

.

[Murphy101]

I read the update and see that the OP's family handled in a way that was appropriate for their family.

 

I just wanted to say: I don't understand why some folks are likening paying for the damage to punishment?

 

I don't think we "punished" our son.

 

Me either.:confused:

 

Life must seem brutal to a whole lotta people if they feel punished every time they have to deal with a natural consequence of their actions.:001_huh:

[Renee in NC]

I'm sorry if this were my child, they would be paying every.single.penny back. First I would be upset with myself for not making 100% certain they knew how to fill the tank properly however. I was not allowed, and neither was DH, to take the car if we did not know the very basics of basics, like puttting gas in the tank.

 

And if she knew the difference, why did she do it?

 

Let's just say that J would not be driving for a *very* long time if he did something like this.

 

I try never to hold my dc to a higher standard than I do myself. A couple of weeks ago I almost put diesel in my van. The gas station had recently changed pumps and the green nozzles were gas and the black diesel. :confused: Thankfully, the nozzle wouldn't fit.

 

I have been driving for 18 years - I certainly know the difference! However, I still made the mistake and could have caused a problem for my van as well. I would not have been able to pay for it, as I don't have a job. So, my dh would have paid for it with the money he earned at his job. This, of course, is really family money, but I think the concept is the same.

[love2read]

I would try to determine the intent. If she thought she was pumping the right gas, then I would let it go.

[Mom2J112903]

I try never to hold my dc to a higher standard than I do myself. A couple of weeks ago I almost put diesel in my van. The gas station had recently changed pumps and the green nozzles were gas and the black diesel. :confused: Thankfully, the nozzle wouldn't fit.

 

I have been driving for 18 years - I certainly know the difference! However, I still made the mistake and could have caused a problem for my van as well. I would not have been able to pay for it, as I don't have a job. So, my dh would have paid for it with the money he earned at his job. This, of course, is really family money, but I think the concept is the same.

 

DH and I both agree-if you can't pump gas *correctly* you have no bussiness driving.

[NanceXToo]

DH and I both agree-if you can't pump gas *correctly* you have no bussiness driving.

 

Wait, are you saying Renee in Florida has no business driving? LOL. And all you Jersey people better turn in your drivers' licenses!

 

It was a mistake. It happens.

[Renee in NC]

DH and I both agree-if you can't pump gas *correctly* you have no bussiness driving.

 

:lol:

 

Will you give up driving if you ever make a mistake - get in an accident, get a ticket, etc.? I am glad that no one in the real world expects me to be perfect and never make a mistake. I try to extend some of the same grace to my dc.

 

I did ask my 17yo what he thought about the scenario. He said he would do whatever he could to help pay for it. I think his attitude matches the family dynamic - we are all in this together. Sometimes one person uses more resources than another and we all pull together for whatever is needed. If a dc had a different attitude (like the expected everything to be handed to them) or had a pattern of carelessness that affected the family negatively on a regular basis, my response may be different.

 

However, my reaction would be against the attitude of selfishness more so than the fact that they put diesel in a gas car.

Edited December 10, 2010 by Renee in FL

[Mom2J112903]

 

Will you give up driving if you ever make a mistake - get in an accident, get a ticket, etc.? I am glad that no one in the real world expects me to be perfect and never make a mistake. I try to extend some of the same grace to my dc.

 

 

Actually, yes. I don't drive much because of my past involvement in accidents-and I was not at fault for any of them. I can't stand to drive and didn't even *want* my license when I was forced to get it at age 21. I had no choice to drive "back then" and now that I do, I choose not to drive more often than not.

 

I do hold my son accountable for his actions, as much as I hold myself. If I can't teach my child what is right from wrong, then I have done something wrong. JMHO

[NanceXToo]

Actually, yes. I don't drive much because of my past involvement in accidents-and I was not at fault for any of them. I can't stand to drive and didn't even *want* my license when I was forced to get it at age 21. I had no choice to drive "back then" and now that I do, I choose not to drive more often than not.

 

I do hold my son accountable for his actions, as much as I hold myself. If I can't teach my child what is right from wrong, then I have done something wrong. JMHO

 

You're not talking about an issue of teaching your child right from wrong. You're talking about expecting your child to be perfect and never make mistakes. It's not really a reasonable expectation. But it sounds like you have personal issues regarding driving anyway so maybe your opinion on this topic is a bit skewed to begin with. And no I don't mean that sarcastically.

[unsinkable]

Actually, yes. I don't drive much because of my past involvement in accidents-and I was not at fault for any of them. I can't stand to drive and didn't even *want* my license when I was forced to get it at age 21. I had no choice to drive "back then" and now that I do, I choose not to drive more often than not.

 

I do hold my son accountable for his actions, as much as I hold myself. If I can't teach my child what is right from wrong, then I have done something wrong. JMHO

 

You can "teach" 'til your blue in the face and kids can still fail or make a mistake or have an accident.

 

And that "kids" become teenagers and that they can/do/might/will turn 180 degrees from what they are taught.

 

I can teach my DD to make banana bread and she can make it 9 times very well. If she makes it the 10th time and oversalts it or forgets to put in baking soda or burns it, I am not going to consider either her or myself a failure. And I am going to let her keep baking! And I won't charge her for the ingredients.

 

I know the gas issue is much more expensive but it is the same concept, just on a bigger scale.

Edited December 10, 2010 by unsinkable

[unsinkable]

You're not talking about an issue of teaching your child right from wrong. You're talking about expecting your child to be perfect and never make mistakes. It's not really a reasonable expectation. But it sounds like you have personal issues regarding driving anyway so maybe your opinion on this topic is a bit skewed to begin with. And no I don't mean that sarcastically.

 

Well put.

[Renee in NC]

Actually, yes. I don't drive much because of my past involvement in accidents-and I was not at fault for any of them. I can't stand to drive and didn't even *want* my license when I was forced to get it at age 21. I had no choice to drive "back then" and now that I do, I choose not to drive more often than not.

 

I do hold my son accountable for his actions, as much as I hold myself. If I can't teach my child what is right from wrong, then I have done something wrong. JMHO

 

Obviously, we are seeing the same situation totally differently. Where I see a mistake, you see a wrong. I am glad that if you think you cannot drive you don't - I can't even imagine how you get by.

 

My 17yo is a mature, hard-working, responsible young man. Adults who interact with him have made comments about how different he is from other kids his age. He has *never* been homeschooled. He most definitely knows right from wrong. Maybe I am just blessed.:D My other children may be different, and my response may be different.

 

Everyone parents the way they see fit and I don't think there is any one right way. I can't see holding a child (or any other person for that matter) responsible for *every* mistake anymore than you can see letting a mistake go as just that.