Need Advice.... How to be a SINGLE homeschooling mother???

[missesd]

I don't want to get into all the particulars. Lets just say that this is a long time coming, I suppose. My husband was discovered doing some things that he shouldn't in 2006. Since that time, other things of the same nature have popped up, but there was always one explanation or excuse after another. A lot of lies and hiding. Finally it came to a head last winter, when the betrayals were discovered to have dated back to 2005. Then there was hiding money, and an e-mail relationship. He left for awhile, but then came back, since then we have had a couple of questioning incidences, but nothing I felt that 100% I could be sure of one way or another. Until tonight, I found something else- of course there was another story to go with it. But it doesn't matter.....

 

Anyway, I have so many things tearing me up right now- a fight blooming on the horizon with my ex over custody of my daughter, my 3 youngest having to deal with daddy leaving after the beginning of the year, I can't handle another heartbreak... So if at all possible I want to try to keep homeschooling. I love it, and my kids are in the middle of a routine/school, plus the investment. And some of them need it. Well who am I kidding? If I was honest I would say that all kids should/need to be homeschooled if at all possible. Plus, as a single mom I believe I would face more adversities in raising my kids with them in public school. I know we have some single moms here... so how do you do it? I know I'll be getting support. But I may have to supplement in some way. Trying to brainstorm with the best ideas that will hopefully give homeschooling the best shot of staying intact and successful....

 

Ideas, BTDT's, would all be *very* helpful.

 

Thanks so much!!

Edited November 24, 2010 by missesd

[Annabel Lee]

:grouphug: Oh, Lisa, I'm so sorry. Though the particulars and the end result of my situation were different, I asked the same question here http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=95948&highlight=homeschool+divorce about a year and a half ago and was given tons of great advice, some of which may be helpful to you.

 

Give yourself permission to grieve when you need to. The kids will all need to go through their process & range of emotions, too. If you can, do your best to keep the routine for the kids. Certainly don't give yourself grief about it if days come that are just horrible and school takes a back burner. Just keep picking yourself back up everyday and continue on.

 

I wouldn't assume off the bat that you won't be homeschooling - don't put the kids in school and get a job before all is said and done. Take it one day at a time, just do the next thing.

 

I wish the best for you & the kids.

[sagira]

Sorry, no advice, but :grouphug:

[Tress]

Lisa,

 

no advice, just a :grouphug:.

I'm so sorry for you and your children.

[missesd]

Thank you all so much. Arcticmom, I'll take a look at that thread, thanks for posting :hugs:

[....]

Hi. We went through some massive drama about 1-2 years ago. My husband and I were separated for 8 months and I still homeschooled. I also ended up living in an RV by myself with all the kids for about 2-3 months and we still homeschooled. Then, we stayed in a hotel for a few weeks and at a campground (with lots of wasps) - and we still homeschooled. Boy, don't we sound like weirdos...:001_unsure:

 

Anyway, during the separation (this sounds awful), I could really focus on the kids. They didn't have to share my attention with my husband. I had them with me 24 hours a day and we could work on school during all hours. In fact, Kid #3 was having serious emotional problems from everything that was happening and I think keeping them home with me was probably the best thing (I ended up moving her into my bedroom and we were roomies for 7 months).

 

The only bad thing (and geez, it's no different now!) is that I have no family who is able to watch my kids. (I've taken myself to the emergency room before - with the kids.) So, yeah, this is not good. Everything falls on you. Grocery shopping...with 500 kids...going to Home Depot...with 500 kids...going to the dentist...with all the kids... Well, you get the idea.

 

Anyway, enough of my weird rambling. Good luck and I'm sorry you have to go through that. Your kids are really going to need you and it's going to help (them) that you are already homeschooling. They're going to need the routine, knowing that you are there with them and the flexibility of taking some time off from school to adjust to the change.

 

(now, running off to change my username...:leaving: there's only so many homeschooling forums!)

[missesd]

Hi. We went through some massive drama about 1-2 years ago. My husband and I were separated for 8 months and I still homeschooled. I also ended up living in an RV by myself with all the kids for about 2-3 months and we still homeschooled. Then, we stayed in a hotel for a few weeks and at a campground (with lots of wasps) - and we still homeschooled. Boy, don't we sound like weirdos...:001_unsure:

 

Anyway, during the separation (this sounds awful), I could really focus on the kids. They didn't have to share my attention with my husband. I had them with me 24 hours a day and we could work on school during all hours. In fact, Kid #3 was having serious emotional problems from everything that was happening and I think keeping them home with me was probably the best thing (I ended up moving her into my bedroom and we were roomies for 7 months).

 

The only bad thing (and geez, it's no different now!) is that I have no family who is able to watch my kids. (I've taken myself to the emergency room before - with the kids.) So, yeah, this is not good. Everything falls on you. Grocery shopping...with 500 kids...going to Home Depot...with 500 kids...going to the dentist...with all the kids... Well, you get the idea.

 

Anyway, enough of my weird rambling. Good luck and I'm sorry you have to go through that. Your kids are really going to need you and it's going to help (them) that you are already homeschooling. They're going to need the routine, knowing that you are there with them and the flexibility of taking some time off from school to adjust to the change.

 

(now, running off to change my username...:leaving: there's only so many homeschooling forums!)

 

I guess I am blessed I have older teens.... almost 17, 15, another almost 15, and nearly 14. I know I can depend on them to watch them so I can take a kid to the Dr, Dentist, or go grocery shopping. They help out now, so I am really fortunate where that is concerned.

 

It's been an hour or so since I wrote this. I have tried to stay up tonight while the kids are sleeping and try to absorb this without little faces watching my every emotion. It just breaks my heart, that my kids' whole lives are going to change. This will be their last holiday with "us". It breaks my heart that he didn't love me enough. Ironically, we started out pretty fairytale. And then, I wonder too if it was my lack of trust because of all that happened that caused this last thing to happen. And the wonder and guilt and pain just seem to consume me. I guess I've moved on from shock, so there's a plus :(

[Mad Jenny Flint]

I just want to say that your lack of trust didn't cause your husband to continue on in bad behavior. If he is willing and you think it will help, get some therapy. But don't carry guilt over his behavior.

[nono]

It breaks my heart that he didn't love me enough.

 

Oh, I know that feeling. :sad:

 

But....it sounds like he had a nice family right there in front of his face. I'm sorry he didn't love himself enough...this is his shortcoming, not yours. :grouphug:

 

Get a lawyer, and be clear to the lawyer that continuing to homeschool is one of your top priorities.

[Luckymama]

No advice, just :grouphug:

[Wheres Toto]

:grouphug:

I don't have too much advice on homeschooling as a single mom but I having older kids should make the logistics of it a lot easier since they can watch the youngers if you need to work.

 

I think that keeping their routine as consistant as possible will help them (and you) through it. Keep as much as you can familiar - usually this is the goal of the courts as well.

 

Do NOT blame yourself. You are not responsible for his actions. It's very hard when you make the decision. My ex was abusive and I still felt guilty for "leaving" him. :glare:

 

My dd was 7 when her dad and I separated. She was in public school and at times that was very difficult. The first year she ended up coming home from school sick every Monday that she was returning to my house (we have joint custody - week on/week off and switched on Mondays during school - he would drop off/I would pick up or visa versa). We were lucky that she had a very nice teacher who was willing to work with us getting through this. It could have been a lot worse.

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

:grouphug:

[....]

I guess I am blessed I have older teens.... almost 17, 15, another almost 15, and nearly 14. I know I can depend on them to watch them so I can take a kid to the Dr, Dentist, or go grocery shopping. They help out now, so I am really fortunate where that is concerned.

 

It's been an hour or so since I wrote this. I have tried to stay up tonight while the kids are sleeping and try to absorb this without little faces watching my every emotion. It just breaks my heart, that my kids' whole lives are going to change. This will be their last holiday with "us". It breaks my heart that he didn't love me enough. Ironically, we started out pretty fairytale. And then, I wonder too if it was my lack of trust because of all that happened that caused this last thing to happen. And the wonder and guilt and pain just seem to consume me. I guess I've moved on from shock, so there's a plus :(

 

That's right, your oldest kids are much older than mine. We're still in Diaper Land. :glare: Your oldest kids will be a lot of help, then.

 

I'm so sorry that happened to you. Do you have supportive family nearby? Could you and the kids spend some time with your parents/grandparents/siblings??

 

I also agree with the mom who mentioned having a good lawyer who will support you with your homeschooling decision.

 

:grouphug: Hugs, missesd.

[ChemMommy]

It's not that he didn't love you enough but that he loved himself TOO much.

 

He put his desires above everyone else. This is not a reflection on YOU so much as a confirmation of he character.

 

BIG HUGS!! When my philandering father left, it was traumatic, but the BEST thing that happened to our family. The daily drama ended! If you can just get through each day, day by day, you'll have a whole new perspective next Thanksgiving.

[TXMomof4]

And then, I wonder too if it was my lack of trust because of all that happened that caused this last thing to happen. And the wonder and guilt and pain just seem to consume me. I guess I've moved on from shock, so there's a plus :(

 

 

It is NOT your fault. Repeat after me: It is NOT your fault.

 

My sister has just gone through a divorce and her ex-h still claims it is her fault because she told him to "go ahead and screw the broad". Obviously there was a backstory there, but he's convinced himself that everything is her fault because she gave him permission to commit adultery. :confused:

 

It is NOT your fault. No matter what else happens, it is NOT your fault.

 

Ok - I have no advice on any of the practical matters, but it tears my heart out to watch someone blame themselves because their other half is not trustworthy or honest.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Starr]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

I'm sorry, I have no advice but couldn't not respond in anyway at all. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Right before the holidays. What a difficult time.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Do you have a local support system?:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I just know you're going to get good answers here. If you need a shoulder to lean on, I am here for you.

[Catwoman]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to you, Lisa.

 

I don't have any advice for you, except to say that I hope you're not blaming yourself in any way for what happened with your dh. I don't know the details, but it sounds like your dh has been deceitful for years, so if you've been suspicious or have acted like you didn't trust him at times, you were perfectly justified.

 

It seems as though you've gone above and beyond the call of duty here, and have given him many, many chances to shape up, and he hasn't valued you or his children enough to do that. You are not to blame for his weaknesses and dishonesty.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

[dangermom]

I'm so sorry! Do not in any way blame yourself. He has his agency and he chose his actions; you can't make someone do those things. And call up your VTs or someone ASAP and get some support going.:grouphug:

[myfatherslily]

I'm sorry :grouphug:

 

I am a single mom now and still working out the logistics of it all. I'm lucky to have family right next door and my ex-h is very involved and available. But I still am figuring out how to bring in more money than the absolute minimum. I finally chose a career to pursue and if that doesn't work out, I'll try something else. After considering whether it might be time to consider public school next year, I realized how important homeschooling is to me, not just for them but for me Teaching my children has been a lifelong dream for me. And if there's ever been a time when I want to push hard to reach my goals, this is it. This is my goal. It would rip my heart out to give that up. And my heart's ripped up enough as it is.

Again, I'm so sorry :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

I'm sorry :grouphug:

 

I am a single mom now and still working out the logistics of it all. I'm lucky to have family right next door and my ex-h is very involved and available. But I still am figuring out how to bring in more money than the absolute minimum. I finally chose a career to pursue and if that doesn't work out, I'll try something else. After considering whether it might be time to consider public school next year, I realized how important homeschooling is to me, not just for them but for me Teaching my children has been a lifelong dream for me. And if there's ever been a time when I want to push hard to reach my goals, this is it. This is my goal. It would rip my heart out to give that up. And my heart's ripped up enough as it is.

Again, I'm so sorry :grouphug:

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to you, too, Sarah.

 

Cat

[Joanne]

I've just "finished" 4 years of battle.

 

I divorced relatively easy and then was held hostage by the Family Law system that my xh used to bankrupt, impoverish and control me.

 

Please, first focus on getting well for the months to come. I suspect addiction of some kind (sex? porn?) - please get the appropriate help for YOU to heal from the damages involved. If you haven't already, get tested for STD's. :grouphug:

 

In any case, divorce "well" in terms of the kids. Read, find a Divorce Care support group, go to a specific parenting class. Reach out and surround yourself with a loving, non judgmental group of people you can rely on when things get worse. These are for your and the kids' quality of life, but they will also play out well in court if that becomes necessary.

 

Start compiling a list of articles, facts, curriculum used. Do administer tests and have adequate standardized testing from nationally recognized tests.

 

Know that if you get resistence or a fight that the courts often decide on the culturally expected, mainstream, standard decision; that would be public school.

 

I managed to continue homeschooling under terribly adverse conditions (they would have been adverse regardless of schooling) for 3 years post divorce. I could have continued into court at the end of the custody battle, but it would have added $13K onto an already $43K bill. I chose to put my oldest in public high school in mediation and the younger 2 are in the private school where I teach. It's possible I could have had homeschooling upheld; it's possible (quite) that it would not. The first professional was "fine" with homeschooling (the ad litem, the children's attorney) and the 2nd, the Dr. of forensic psychology, was less so. By that time, "homeschooling" had become my xh's straw man since his hopes of custody had diminished greatly.

 

Divorce is he**. Divorcing after a marriage that depletes and drains you is even worse. Again, I encourage you to prepare yourself with loving kindness but also with clarity and determination. The months to come are likely to be very, very challenging.

[myfatherslily]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to you, too, Sarah.

 

Cat

 

Thanks:)

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

 

:grouphug:the best thing i did was to pay for a Very Good Lawyer. it was worth every penny. to help keep costs down, she gave me lists of things i could do myself. i interviewed 3 lawyers before i chose one. i asked members of our congregation in the legal community and they shortlisted for me who i should interview.

 

i noticed you are LDS. have you talked to your bishop? does your church have help available for you? i'm hoping so!

 

this too shall pass..... but its sure no fun!

ann

[catalinakel]

Hire a lawyer right away; borrow the money if you have to. If you have been home with the kids all along, there is no reason your husband should not be required to provide adequate support for you to continue to live as you have. Esp. with all of those kids.....Take care of yourself, and allow time for things to settle. :grouphug:

[*Inna*]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[melissel]

Lisa, I have no advice but couldn't read and not reply. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[RanchGirl]

no advice, juts lots of hugs, and to be honest I'm also watching and hoping to learn more, wondering if this is a road I will be going down at some point in the future.

[missesd]

I want to thank everybody for replying. I'd go reply to everyone individually, but I just don't have that in me right now... sorry :( I took today of from school with the little ones, which I feel slightly guilty about. Maybe I'll do at least Science and History with them later. I feel most guilty about those because we have an art project on Friday, and we're studying Turkey's this week :)

 

I wish I could say today was better, or even last night. Honestly, at one point I just wanted to go beat the crap out of him I was so angry. I mean our 9 yr anniversary is New Years, and after 9 yrs I could have given someone else, 3 children I wouldn't have to separate from their father, I get this???? After all the trying to accept his mistakes and just move on.... I mean WTH??? Right?

 

I finally crashed at almost 8 this morning, was up about 11, I think. I woke up to texts and questions. I've just been trying to hold it together, listening to music to help give some comfort and solace to my spirit. And there have been tears, lots of tears. tears I thought I'd never cry, because afterall I've been here before... shouldn't I know? Shouldn't I expect? Shouldn't I be all cried out by now... but no, apparently not.

 

I am not doing anything till after the holiday and the mass amounts of birthdays we have in January. That means we're looking at February. He's honestly not a vengeful man. I saw how he handled his divorce with his ex, who cheated on him. And he supports homeschooling, I know he wouldn't want to mess that up for them, especially his son who had ADD like him. Not to mention I homeschool 2 of my step-children, who he has custody of. They already have enough issues with him based on things he's done, he's not going to want them to hate him by taking away something he knows they are doing well at. Especially when 1 of them has a serious heart defect and can not handle the energy public school takes. We don't have that much either, we rent. We own one van (mine), and he has his car he makes payments on... I am not even on the loan. We have only a few decent furnishing, because we gave everything up to move to TX last in 2009 when he was unemployed. We'll start dividing everything and going through our credit, seeing what there is to divide and who will take which obligation in Feb. Until then, I just have to try and hold myself together and get through the holidays with a smile for my kids...

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Oh, I know that feeling. :sad:

 

But....it sounds like he had a nice family right there in front of his face. I'm sorry he didn't love himself enough...this is his shortcoming, not yours. :grouphug:

 

Get a lawyer, and be clear to the lawyer that continuing to homeschool is one of your top priorities.

 

:iagree: :grouphug:

[DianeW88]

Lisa, call your bishop. He can definitely help you through this. And, your RS President. They will help you with whatever welfare needs you might have so you don't have to struggle. :grouphug:

[missesd]

Lisa, call your bishop. He can definitely help you through this. And, your RS President. They will help you with whatever welfare needs you might have so you don't have to struggle. :grouphug:

 

I'm afraid to call my Bishop. He's known before my husband struggled with these areas. He's heard before we were going to separate, only to see us try to patch things up and move ahead. I am afraid he won't believe me, kinda like the little boy who cried wolf. It's been a very long year. I mean it started in 2005, I was first alerted to anything in 2006, just after my daughter was born. But last year, next month actually EVERYTHING came crumbling down. We weren't active then. But as everything became too much for me to deal with, it spurred me into finding something to help me, anchor me. It brought me back to church last Spring. Since that was just after everything came out, it has been very up and down trying to deal with everything, finding out new information, etc... I don't know what to say to him. I know I want to talk to him *before* my husband, but I just don't know what to say. AND it's the day before a major family holiday :(

[Joanne]

am not doing anything till after the holiday and the mass amounts of birthdays we have in January. That means we're looking at February. He's honestly not a vengeful man. I saw how he handled his divorce with his ex, who cheated on him. And he supports homeschooling, I know he wouldn't want to mess that up for them, especially his son who had ADD like him. Not to mention I homeschool 2 of my step-children, who he has custody of.

 

Do not rely on his current "support", "opinion" and "behavior" in protecting your kids or lifestyle. If he doesn't change (and he's very likely to), the system of divorce creates hostility is adversarial.

 

Get everything you believe is needed to protect your family *legally* protected.

[Hedgehog]

:grouphug: I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I'm not a single mom, but I could have been. DH and I have chosen a different path, though not without its trauma; sometimes I wish I could have had a clean break to start afresh, but that's not how it's worked out.

 

I just want to say that your lack of trust didn't cause your husband to continue on in bad behavior.

 

:iagree: completely. Our problems have been very similar to your own. I have had to learn that my DH's actions are not my fault AT ALL. He should own them; he is responsible for what he does, regardless of how I behave (and vice versa).

 

When it became apparent (maybe 7-8 years ago?) that DH's problem was more than a passing phase, I began to chew myself up over what I thought it meant; that I wasn't good enough for him, interesting enough, s*xy enough, whatever. I've learned that many men just like variety anyway, and a proportion of those don't have sufficient self-control to behave themselves. I refuse to load myself with guilt over someone else's sin - this is between DH and the Lord.

 

Despite not quite being out of the woods yet (although things are much better), I have chosen to stay with him - for now at least - as he seems to want to stay with us. Even after all our troubles, we are still each other's best friend - we have always talked a LOT, and I think this may have made the difference for us. It is very much worth trying to preserve a decent relationship with the father of your kids, if possible.

 

I do hope that whatever path you choose, you find peace and contentment - "Godliness with contentment [being] great gain". You're welcome to PM me if you want.

 

Hedgehog x

[dangermom]

Believe me, your bishop has heard it all. All you have to say is "We will be divorcing as soon as the holidays are over. A reconciliation is no longer possible." Go ahead and call your RS Pres first, or your VTs, whoever. It's OK, even the day before a holiday.

[DianeW88]

Believe me, your bishop has heard it all. All you have to say is "We will be divorcing as soon as the holidays are over. A reconciliation is no longer possible." Go ahead and call your RS Pres first, or your VTs, whoever. It's OK, even the day before a holiday.

 

:iagree: Yes, this!! He has heard it all before and then some. Call him. And call your RS president. Ask if you can meet with her on Sunday after church if you think you might be disrupting her holiday....although I'm sure she won't look at it that way and will meet with you sooner if you need her to. They are there to help you and they'll want to help you.

[gaillardia]

:iagree: Yes, this!! He has heard it all before and then some. Call him. And call your RS president. Ask if you can meet with her on Sunday after church if you think you might be disrupting her holiday....although I'm sure she won't look at it that way and will meet with you sooner if you need her to. They are there to help you and they'll want to help you.

:iagree::iagree:

Absolutely. You can do this, they are there to help.:grouphug:

[AngelBee]

Oh, I know that feeling. :sad:

 

But....it sounds like he had a nice family right there in front of his face. I'm sorry he didn't love himself enough...this is his shortcoming, not yours. :grouphug:

 

Get a lawyer, and be clear to the lawyer that continuing to homeschool is one of your top priorities.

:iagree::grouphug:

 

Praying for you. :(

[MamaSheep]

Oh Diane, I'm so sorry you're having to go through all that! I agree with the others who have said go talk to your bishop and RS president. I've worked with a lot of bishops and RS presidents in various capacities, and they've all been wonderful, kind people. On the weird off chance that you find your bishop unhelpful, go to your stake president. But I would be willing to bet that your bishop will be more understanding and supportive than you can imagine.

 

I would also agree with those who have said to get a good lawyer, and to not depend on his supportive attitudes lasting all the way through the process. Hopefully they will, but just in case, have your lawyer help you cover your bases.

 

:grouphug: I wish we lived where we could be of real-life help.

[freetobeme]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

my divorce is *almost* final. hang in there.

i agree with not necessarily expecting him to stay the same person.

and seeking help from your church (i am not in your church but i would encourage you to start there).

wow, my road has been, is, and will be hard, but yours sounds so much more complicated. . .just:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:.

i plan to continue home schooling, but i am not sure how it will all work out. my heart truly goes out to you. :grouphug:

[AngelBee]

My heart is breaking for all of you who are/have going through this.

 

My mommas of many....how do you do it? It is amazing!

[Scarlett]

I divorced a year ago after being separated for 6 months....I remarried 3 weeks ago....but managed to continue homeschooling before that. It can be done, depending of course upon your husband's ability and obligation to support you.

 

:grouphug: to you all.

[scrapbookbuzz]

It breaks my heart that he didn't love me enough.

 

Sweet, sweet woman. I don't think it was you he didn't love enough. I think it's himself he doesn't love. Regardless, YOU are beautiful, YOU are loved, YOU have people here who love you, will comfort you, and will pray for you! Most of all, you have a Heavenly Father Who loves you so very much!

 

I will be praying for you and your kiddos through the storm. :grouphug: