WWYD? Weddings and Family

[Scarlett]

Many of you may remember that I have been reconnected with a long lost sister of mine for 2 years. We LOVE each other and have really bonded as have our children. The bio father that we share....he raised her on his own and she loves him. Three years before SHE was born , I was born out of wedlock to my mom after he told her that the pregnancy (me) was not his problem. He was never involved in my life. I went to see him at my request when I was 15 and that is the first my sister knew of me...(she was 11 then). After an awkward 3 day visit I went home. She was made to promise she would never try to contact me and even when she was grown they manipulated things to keep us apart.

 

Fast forward 28 years....he is 10 years sober...has new wife....and my sister finds me and we reconnect. At first he told her, 'now you don't even know if she is REALLY your sister.' She interuppted him and said, 'No Dad, I DO know. I knew when I was 11 and I know now. Take one look at her! She is my sister! But besides, this is not about you anymore...it is about her and me.'

 

After that conversation she could really tell that he was shocked into admitting that I am indeed his daughter...which made HER feel good (remember SHE loves him and has a relationship with him)....but I am apathetic. When I went to see her and her family this summer he sought ME out 3 times in the 5 days I was there. I see the regret all over his face....dawning on him I am his DAUGHTER.

 

So my wedding is coming up.....my sister of course is coming....she is so excited. She texted me today and said, 'question for you...and this was NOT my idea....but Dad asked me what I thought you would think about him coming to your wedding with me.'

 

So, I'd like to hear your thoughts on the situation....I'll come back later and try to express myself and sort it all out.

 

Thanks!

[anissa]

Would it ruin your day? Would he expect to sit with your family. I would really take issue with him coming and playing father of the bride. If he's ok with a back row seat and not being in the pics (and he brings a huge gift:)) then I could deal with it (but I'm not you). I have never known my real father so I am trying to imagine what I would do. This man is a stanger, does your sister understand this?

[danybug]

My thoughts are that you should allow him to come. I think that maybe it could be a new chapter in all of your lives and you each will be truly grateful in different ways. I know that it takes a true measure of forgiveness and compassion on your part, but it may make for the start of "good" memories with him.

 

But in the end it is your special day and if it would truly make you uncomfortable or awkward then by no means should you go out of your way.

[JudoMom]

My thoughts are that you should allow him to come. I think that maybe it could be a new chapter in all of your lives and you each will be truly grateful in different ways. I know that it takes a true measure of forgiveness and compassion on your part, but it may make for the start of "good" memories with him.

 

But in the end it is your special day and if it would truly make you uncomfortable or awkward then by no means should you go out of your way.

 

:iagree:

[Gwenhwyfar]

it sounds like he's trying to reach out....

 

you don't give a lot of details about your own feelings in the post...based solely on what you've posted, i'd invite him.

 

(people screw up... sounds like he may be a very different person now & realizing what went wrong... know what i mean?)

[Carrie12345]

You say you're apathetic. To me, inviting him to your wedding would be a sign that you're opening the door to a real relationship with your father. If that's something you're interested in, go for it. If it isn't, I personally wouldn't put out that sort of mixed signal.

[newlifemom]

I agree with the previous posters. If it won't spoil your day, let come and watch. Who knows it may be the start of something. I hope it all works out for you. Everything that is, I am very happy for you.

[MamaT]

I think you should think about what it will feel like to YOU to have him there. If it would detract in any way from your day, I wouldn't do it.

 

The pp poster was right about this opening the door to a relationship with him, at least I think he could take it that way. If you don't want that, I wouldn't invite him.

[Scarlett]

I agree with the previous posters. If it won't spoil your day, let come and watch. Who knows it may be the start of something. I hope it all works out for you. Everything that is, I am very happy for you.

 

It won't spoil my day unless it spoils my mom's day...and my precious step father's day.

 

I don't think at all that he would think he was there in any sort of 'father of the bride' capacity. If anyone walks me down the isle it will be my step -father.

[Scarlett]

it sounds like he's trying to reach out....

 

you don't give a lot of details about your own feelings in the post...based solely on what you've posted, i'd invite him.

 

(people screw up... sounds like he may be a very different person now & realizing what went wrong... know what i mean?)

 

Before I met J....my sis and I got very excited about her family and our dad and his wife coming to AR and having a lake vacation together...maybe meet up in Hot Springs or some such...kind of neutral territory. I AM excited about that....and open to it....but to ME that is a far cry from him showing up to be involved in such an important day with so many of my intimate family and friends involved....

 

Does that make sense?

[GraciebytheBay]

If it were me, I would not invite him. My reasoning would be that weddings can be stressful (even good stress is stress!) even without unexpected or unknown issues. I wouldn't want my special day to be even one iota about something other than our marriage. NO drama in any form other than happy tears and happy dances! If you intend to begin a new relationship with this man as your father (which is what you'd be doing if you invited him), I would suggest beginning it after the wedding. I see that I am in the minority here, so maybe I am hard hearted, but that's what I would do.

[Scarlett]

If it were me, I would not invite him. My reasoning would be that weddings can be stressful (even good stress is stress!) even without unexpected or unknown issues. I wouldn't want my special day to be even one iota about something other than our marriage. NO drama in any form other than happy tears and happy dances! If you intend to begin a new relationship with this man as your father (which is what you'd be doing if you invited him), I would suggest beginning it after the wedding. I see that I am in the minority here, so maybe I am hard hearted, but that's what I would do.

 

This is pretty much J's feelings on it it...and I think mine.

[anissa]

If it were me, I would not invite him. My reasoning would be that weddings can be stressful (even good stress is stress!) even without unexpected or unknown issues. I wouldn't want my special day to be even one iota about something other than our marriage. NO drama in any form other than happy tears and happy dances! If you intend to begin a new relationship with this man as your father (which is what you'd be doing if you invited him), I would suggest beginning it after the wedding. I see that I am in the minority here, so maybe I am hard hearted, but that's what I would do.

 

Yes! :iagree: this is not the venue to start new with your bio dad who until recently wouldn't even say you were his child.

[ma23peas]

My feeling would be...let him come with your sister...let him sit there in the aisle with a daughter he did father 'well' and go through that angst/denial/pain of knowing he did wrong by you. Let him see that in spite of that YOU have found happiness..you did find love, you have raised children with love...that is one of the greatest lessons you can give your children (love when you don't have to)...if he were not sober and there was a threat of unpredictable behavior, I would say no...but this man has had his own demons to deal with...as have you...I think it's time that one of you extend grace...grace breeds love and forgiveness...isn't that a place you'd rather be at for your wedding than a place where you want to feel 'comfortable'? Too much emphasis is put on 'what makes you happy'..instead of what is the bigger choice and what can come from it....

 

I think it would be a great opportunity for him to also thank your stepfather for doing his job....a great opportunity for humility and forgiveness...I wouldn't pass it up.

 

Tara

[Scarlett]

My feeling would be...let him come with your sister...let him sit there in the aisle with a daughter he did father 'well' and go through that angst/denial/pain of knowing he did wrong by you. Let him see that in spite of that YOU have found happiness..you did find love, you have raised children with love...that is one of the greatest lessons you can give your children (love when you don't have to)...if he were not sober and there was a threat of unpredictable behavior, I would say no...but this man has had his own demons to deal with...as have you...I think it's time that one of you extend grace...grace breeds love and forgiveness...isn't that a place you'd rather be at for your wedding than a place where you want to feel 'comfortable'? Too much emphasis is put on 'what makes you happy'..instead of what is the bigger choice and what can come from it....

 

I think it would be a great opportunity for him to also thank your stepfather for doing his job....a great opportunity for humility and forgiveness...I wouldn't pass it up.

 

Tara

 

My fabulous step-father has only been such for 9 years....before that I had no father in my life for 28 years....and before that my father was my first step father (who I honestly think of as my dad-dysfunctional as he is) who is also the bio dad to my brother that I was raised with. So see all the confusion? Crazy. My current step father didn't raise me...but he has been married to my mother for 9 years and is a great step -father to my brother and me.

 

If my mom and step dad were ok with it....I might be. But as J says....this is not the occassion for this reconnection to take place.e

 

I don't know. Gotta talk to my sister....:(

[coffeegal]

Can you sleep on it for a few days? It sounds like a decision I would take days to process. :grouphug: If you don't want him at the wedding, would you be interested in asking your sister if you, your soon-to-be husband, sis, and bio-dad to meet somewhere for breakfast after the honeymoon, instead? Since you've implied you might be interested in opening the door for a relationship? Best wishes, and congratulations on your engagement! :001_smile:

[Rosie_0801]

If my mom and step dad were ok with it....I might be. But as J says....this is not the occassion for this reconnection to take place.e

 

 

 

How about talking with your mum, step dad and sister about him attending with your sister, and being seated somewhere out of the way at the reception. This is not the time for reconnection, sure, but if he is out of the way observing, it might just be ok. Or invite him to the wedding but not the reception? It is too important an occasion to let his presence muck it up, but it's too important an occasion to block him out of too, if he has finally woken up and realised what he's been missing. I think you should let him be an observer, but that he hasn't earned the right to participate yet.

 

Rosie

[momofkhm]

Is it going to be a big wedding? Big enough that you would have to actually search each other out to see each other? Then if it won't ruin your day, your mom's day, your step-dad's day, sure why not.

 

But if this is a small wedding where you will see him without trying, then I would be really hesitant.

 

I adore the idea of meeting on neutral ground and seeing how it goes. Your wedding is not neutral ground. It will be very emotionally charged. You can meet before the wedding and see how it goes and then decide, sure it wouldn't be bad. He can come. But I wouldn't have the wedding as the first time.

 

ETA: If you are asking here then you are searching either for us to give you reasons to go along with what you want in our heart or reasons to ignore what you want in your heart. Are these answers making you happy or sad? "I'm doing the right thing!" or "Maybe I'm wrong after all." You know what you are looking for. Find it in you. It's yours and J's day. What do you two want?

Edited September 19, 2010 by momofkhm

[Mrs Mungo]

I agree with the previous posters. If it won't spoil your day, let come and watch. Who knows it may be the start of something. I hope it all works out for you. Everything that is, I am very happy for you.

 

I agree. My dh allowed efforts from his bio dad and they now have something of a relationship. It will never look like the relationship between him and his mom, but it's something.

[Dobela]

I personally think YOU will be fine. My concern is for your mom. Changed or not, this man rejected her when you were a child and then watched you be rejected by him later. Most likely you will have other family members there that will not be thinking too kindly of your dad either. I can imagine that it will be difficult for them to be there and not have those old angry feeling come up. The family may not be as healed as you are.

 

Really, your wedding is not the place for that to happen. Maybe you can have him come visit before the wedding and let the family have their words then. Or wait until later. Maybe you can bring it to your sister and your dad from the opposite direction - likely some/many on your mom's side of the family have not forgiven him. You don't want them to mistreat him, even unintentionally, because their wounds are not healed from his actions. You don't want him to feel uncomfortable any more than they will. Because of that, you feel the wedding is not the best choice for his official reappearance in your life. Then later, maybe you can have that vacation together or invite him to come visit and you have a big BBQ or something.

 

I would have it videotaped and send him a copy though.

[simka2]

I have been in almost this exact situation. I did invite my father....I was young enough that I wanted to pretend everything was perfect. I had him walk me down the aisle, my stepfather was really hurt. Fast forward 10 yrs. My mom and stepfather are divorced, and my wedding pics include pics of my bio dad.

 

This weekend as I was preparing for my garage sale I found all my wedding photos. I was able to sit with my kids, and a couple young adults from my church and show them my bio dad. For my kids, this is their bio grandfather. I never thought that would be important to them, but it was.

 

I have only seen my dad once since then, and he has never seen his grandkids, but I am still glad he was there.

 

Hope that helps!

[Denisemomof4]

Before I met J....my sis and I got very excited about her family and our dad and his wife coming to AR and having a lake vacation together...maybe meet up in Hot Springs or some such...kind of neutral territory. I AM excited about that....and open to it....but to ME that is a far cry from him showing up to be involved in such an important day with so many of my intimate family and friends involved....

 

Does that make sense?

 

I'm still reading, but this makes sense. Your birth father was a sperm donor, period. You owe him NOTHING. He's never been a part of your life and you're in your 40's. This is YOUR day to do what YOU want. I'd suggest you discuss this with J and do what's right for all of you.

 

Then, AFTER the wedding, see if you can make a connection. See how things go.

 

I'd make sure your step-father and your mother are not made to feel uncomfortable At All. THEY are your family and THEY are who were there for you. If they're comfortable and if you want him there, invite him.

Edited September 19, 2010 by Denisemomof4

[simka2]

I personally think YOU will be fine. My concern is for your mom. Changed or not, this man rejected her when you were a child and then watched you be rejected by him later.

 

 

QUOTE]

 

This was true for my mom as well, but she knew it was important to me. Also, he doesn't have to be involved in anything...just having him there on the day...take a couple candids for future reference...is an option:001_smile:.

 

I still struggle with my dad, with some anger and apathy...but I was so glad I had those photos.

 

That said, I'm not adviseing you...our situations are by no means identical and I don't know all the personalities involved ;).

 

Take care of you!

[Chris in VA]

I have an unpopular opinion.

 

I don't think weddings belong to the bride--I don't think it is just your day, Scarlett.

 

 

I wouldn't invite him to participate as a member of the bridal party, but I'd invite him.

 

Extend to him the grace you would want others to extend to you. Be the bigger person, and all that.

 

It doesn't mean you are glossing over what he did. It isn't nice. Nice is fake. It's pretending someone didn't screw up. Be kind. Kind is knowing what someone did and choosing to act as a blessing to them anyway.

[Pippen]

[quote name=simka2;2045738

This was true for my mom as well' date=' but she knew it was important to me. Also, he doesn't have to be involved in anything...just having him there on the day...take a couple candids for future reference...is an option:001_smile:.

!

 

Before making a decision, I suggest you think through the days surrounding the wedding each step of the way, and consider the impact on you, your fiance, your parents, as well as your biodad.

 

Will there be a rehearsal dinner, and would he likely attend with your sister? Would he be in the pictures? If you have reason to introduce him to others, are you comfortable introducing him as your dad? Etc.

 

My parents were divorced but I had a very rocky relationship with my father. My dad was at my wedding but my brother whom I'd always been close with walked me down the aisle. I'd probably do the same thing again but it was very awkward for all three of us.

[Starr]

I wouldn't do it. I think it's the opening to start a potential relationship but why bring all this up for your mom and step father. Even if everyone can cope it will make things a little weird. And some guests don't need to know the whole story.

[FaithManor]

Gently saying, I wouldn't do it Scarlett ((hugs)). There are a lot of other people who could be hurt by this if he doesn't stay out of the way and embrace the amount of pain he has caused.

 

You have a son and he doesn't know this man at all...what happens if he approaches your boy and announces "Hey, I'm your long lost grandpa, hug me!" or something stupid. Additionally, your little man is getting ready to allow someone else to be the man of the house...a position that he, deep in his psyche, adopted when your stupid ex-s.o.b. husband decided to revert to his childhood and play Mr. Irresponsible. Boys, and especially ones that have a dad walk out, tend to get very protective of mamma....so even your bio-dad just approaching you could be something that sends your little guy into an emotional free-fall - he might get weepy emotional or he might turn into Rambo and get angry. You want this wedding to be a time of your son embracing his future with a man that will be very, very good for him once he is ready to open his heart. I would be very hesitant to mess with that new beginning by adding a new factor, a previously irresponsible man, into the picture. Remember, you haven't been personally reconnected in any meaningful way with your bio-dad and your sister may not be an accurate indicator of what his expected behavior will be. She has a completely different perception of him and may think he will be Mr. Wonderful when in fact, he could end up being Mr. Jerk.

 

And besides that precious boy of yours, you have a mom who may not be ready, and certainly not at her daughter's wedding, of all times, to deal with this man. If you are close to your step-dad and he has been a grandfather to your son, it seems like choosing the wedding as a time to let bio back into your life, could be perceived as not appreciating what step-dad has meant to you and your boy. Additionally, you will naturally want J to have to time to embrace his new extended family without drama.

 

If you want to let bio-dad have a chance, I'd go at it very slowly, after you and J have adjusted to life together, after J, your boy, and J's boys have all had a chance to create a view of themselves as family and function well together. Bio-dad could be too much emotional change for everyone all at at once.

 

Congratulations, sooooooooo excited for you, and if you feel comfortable with it, WE'D ALL LIKE TO SEE PICTURES OF THE DRESS, THE FLOWERS, etc.!!!!

 

Faith

[Pippen]

Before I met J....my sis and I got very excited about her family and our dad and his wife coming to AR and having a lake vacation together...maybe meet up in Hot Springs or some such...kind of neutral territory. I AM excited about that....and open to it....but to ME that is a far cry from him showing up to be involved in such an important day with so many of my intimate family and friends involved....

 

Does that make sense?

 

Actually IMO I think that is a lot bigger deal. There are a lot of people and a lot of action taking place that can take the focus off of the awkward relationship. Getting together would zoom in on it.

[Scarlett]

I have an unpopular opinion.

 

I don't think weddings belong to the bride--I don't think it is just your day, Scarlett.

 

This is what makes it a problem....I am actually fine with him being there. I saw him in Houston last month and I felt fine...a little weirdish, but fine overall. And my son saw him and bio dad said, 'hey you can call me Papa (what the other grandkids call him) or (first name) or Mr. Last Name or whatever you want.' Ds was fine with him.

 

I am also fine with everyone else 'knowing'. I am way past being ashamed or even uncomfortable over having a 'father' who abandoned me before I was even born. My big problem is I don't want to make my mom and/or step dad uncomfortable. No one else there is 'family' from the days of my birth. Grandparents are gone, aunts/uncle aren't in my life. No one in my world would be unkind to him at all. My mom and step dad would not be unkind to him. But I don't want to make her feel bad in any way.

 

THAT is my problem.

 

Along WITH the fact that I don't want to make my sister (who adores our dad-she was raised with him) feel bad. :( But I guess between my sister and my mom, mom wins.

 

[Denisemomof4]

have you discussed this with your mother? I can't imagine what she suffered because of him. But maybe she's ok now? Or maybe seeing him would stir bad feelings.

[RanchGirl]

I wouldn't...

 

-- it might be hurtful to your mother/step-father.

-- it would bother me that he is going through your sister -- why didn't he call you himself?

-- if you are on the way to developing a relationship, it's way too early for such a big gesture.

 

If I were going to let someone like that in my life, it would be because he had apologized and expressed sincere regret for his mistakes and a desire to begin building connections. And then he had started making good on that, being reliable and interested in my life and all that.

 

Also, if he is just an acquaintance at this point, I find it strange for someone to have someone else text the bride to ask to be invited. Obviously it didn't occur to you to invite him yourself, so to me that is the way it should remain.

 

It's just my opinion. Whatever you decide, have a very happy wedding!

[Mimm]

I would say no... but that's coming from someone who's very angry and resentful toward her father. But still... this guy has had no part of your life by HIS choice, not yours. If he wants to reconnect, he can do it on a day that you aren't focused on beginning a new life with your new husband. There are LOTS of other days he could call, email, visit. Why does it have to be a wedding?

 

Just my two cents. Only you can really make a decision on how you feel about it. :)

[Joker]

I would invite him to be a friend of the wedding party but not a parent. You stated you've already kind of started a new relationship with him. What if you didn't invite him and then something happened to him? Would you wish you did? If he's not made a big part of the ceremony would your mom really be that upset that he was in attendance? Have you asked her?

 

Keep in mind this is coming from someone who had a great relationship with both parents - but my dad died less than a year after my wedding so I'm happy I have those memories.

[Scarlett]

I'd make sure your step-father and your mother are not made to feel uncomfortable At All. THEY are your family and THEY are who were there for you.

 

This. Yes. Thank you.

 

My mom has always been the one there from me since the day she found out she was pregnant with me. Her feelings should be considered above his and even above my sister (who is innocent too)

[Scarlett]

Sent my sister this email.....

 

>Been thinking about our Dad mentioning coming to my wedding. I can't tell you how much it means to me that he is interested enough to consider it. A wedding is however, a very emotionally charged day and I think it might not be the best day to try to reconnect with him. I hope this doesn't upset YOU or change your mind at all about coming because I do want you and any and all of your kids and your dh here....

 

I love you. I am fine with getting to know our dad....in fact I look forward to introducing J to him and the rest of the family there. Maybe we can come for a long weekend sometime soon after the wedding. Also, I still REALLY love the idea of us meeting in <my state> for a family reunion of sorts....maybe over spring break.>>

 

She replied

 

>Hey sis... I completely understand. Even after Dad asked about it, he came back and said it might not be a good time and he might feel uncomfortable because he did not know anyone. I just loved the fact that he thought about it at least. Big accomplishment.>

 

So she is awesome and all is well.

 

:D

[MariannNOVA]

This. Yes. Thank you.

 

My mom has always been the one there from me since the day she found out she was pregnant with me. Her feelings should be considered above his and even above my sister (who is innocent too)

 

thank you to Denise (I wanted to mention this but couldn't figure out how to articulate it in less than 5000 words) -- yup, as the person who as been the mom in THAT situation, and who has always been the one who was there, yes, I wanted to ask you how this would impact your mom and step-father.

 

Sent my sister this email.....

 

>Been thinking about our Dad mentioning coming to my wedding. I can't tell you how much it means to me that he is interested enough to consider it. A wedding is however, a very emotionally charged day and I think it might not be the best day to try to reconnect with him. I hope this doesn't upset YOU or change your mind at all about coming because I do want you and any and all of your kids and your dh here....

 

I love you. I am fine with getting to know our dad....in fact I look forward to introducing J to him and the rest of the family there. Maybe we can come for a long weekend sometime soon after the wedding. Also, I still REALLY love the idea of us meeting in <my state> for a family reunion of sorts....maybe over spring break.>>

 

She replied

 

>Hey sis... I completely understand. Even after Dad asked about it, he came back and said it might not be a good time and he might feel uncomfortable because he did not know anyone. I just loved the fact that he thought about it at least. Big accomplishment.>

 

So she is awesome and all is well.

 

:D

 

You have a great sister -- obviously ALL the reasonable people are in your family.:) So thrilled that this is working out for you.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Wow, Scarlett, what a great sister you have!

[Guest havingfun]

Scarlet,

 

The guy is a bum. What does he want now, a boutonniere to wear at your wedding? He has denied you two times and he pestered you as you were trying to have a welcome relationship with your half-sister.

 

You said nothing about your Mother's attitude of having him around. Evidently she raised you without any help from what I do call, this bum.

 

There are people out there who don't walk in your shoes nor the shoes of you loved ones. These people wear religion on their sleeves while smirking out impractical forgive and forget advice should most times just back off. Don't risk having this guy possibly prancing around as if he were the father of the bride. He hasn't been a father.

 

Don't risk marring what should be a happy occasion.