When a dad doesn't feel like a dad

[lincap]

I have been trying to work out some issues with my husband and need some advice.

 

We have 3 boys, 4yrs, 2yrs and 5 months. DH has always wanted to work for himself and has started a side business that he hopes someday will be his sole income. He is always lost in thought about how to achieve this. He has not embraced the role of dad. I thought he was having a mini-mid-life crisis and maybe a slight depression (he is 33 yrs old) this past week and was trying to talk to him about what it is he was feeling etc.

 

I asked him what made him happy, he rattled off a list of things... things that would have been on his list when he was 22, things like going places alone wtih me, racing cars, working on cars, building electronic things, writing computer programs, watching you tube videos, drawing, using photoshop, watching tv, staying up late, sleeping in late, picking up and traveling whenever he wanted... on and on. NOTHING, not one mention of the kids.

 

I should back up and say once he said to me "I am just like my sister, not wanting kids." right before I gave birth to #3. So I said what about the kids? What about going to the park with them? anything. He said "nope, I haven't changed like you have." He went on to tell me how women change when they have kids (and that I have) but men don't and he has no intention of changing. He said he still wants to do the same things, his goals are the same and that the kids are just adding to him not having time to do what he wants to do.

 

Is this normal? I know I can't change him, but do other men go through the transition from single guy to married to married with children and change their priorities? Do you know any man who never embraced the role of dad, but just saw being a dad as a hinderance to his own personal goals?

 

I feel like my head is spinning. I asked if he loved the boys and he said "I like them when they are not annoying.".. .. I couldn't respond. I wanted to die. I look at our 3 boys and see so much and all he sees is 3 people taking up his wife's time, his "free" time and are annoying.

 

I am so confused. Any thoughts? Suggestions? I mentioned this situation briefly to my mom and sister and they both think I need to leave him. But to me I would rather try to work it out before divorce.

 

You know what I really want to say is GROW UP!! You have three wonderful kids you selfish jerk and some people try so hard to have kids and can't!!!!!!!!! Your kids adore you! Grow up and become a dad! --- but don't think that will really help, but know I can say it to you all without getting into a major fight! :)

[dm379]

:grouphug: Sorry no help other than that

[Country Mouse]

I'm not being flip, but I think you and your dh need to seek professional counseling right away if you haven't already.

[Kathleen in VA]

Your husband certainly does sound very selfish, but at least he's being honest with you. That's something to be thankful for. No, you cannot change a person. You're right - he does need to grow up. We would all like to live our lives without any limitations. I'd like to be independently wealthy, lol. Technically speaking, he really ought to rise to the occasion, put aside his own "goals" and behave like a man. But he doesn't seem to get that right now and you are not the person to open his eyes, as it were.

 

It's kind of hard to know what to say without knowing more about what led up to you getting married and having three children at a time when he doesn't want children. Did you know that he wasn't interested in being a dad before you married him? I mean, if he made that clear before you got married then that would put a different complexion on things, kwim? Otoh, if he misled you before you got married into thinking he wanted to be a family man and now is doing a 180, then that's another thing altogether. Also, it would be helpful to know what kind of spiritual perspective you have on life. As a Christian, I would respond to this situation with a LOT of prayer.

 

That said, I think it is very common for men in general to not appreciate the baby/toddler years as much as moms. Babies and toddlers are annoying, lol. Your husband may warm up to the role of dad as your children grow and can carry on a conversation and actually interact with him.

 

Divorce is not the answer. Kids need their dad - even an emotionally aloof dad. If he is not abusing them, you should stay put and make the most of the situation. Counseling could definitely be helpful, but I'd be wary of anyone who suggested divorce as an option. Are you prepared to be the breadwinner and sole parent? I mean, that is a huge step that I would avoid if at all possible.

 

Be the best mom and wife you know how to be. Let the subject of his parenting alone - bringing it up will only make matters worse.

 

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Wish I could say something more hopeful, but, like you said, you cannot change him. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[brehon]

Well, first, I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. How hard it must be for you.

 

Second, me being me, I probably would say GROW UP AND BE A MAN!!

 

Third, how long have you been married? Your oldest is 5; did you have kids shortly after getting married? There certainly are very selfish people in the world; but, maybe your husband is overwhelmed with having 3 very young boys, working, and life in general. I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour/attitude; just trying to see what might be going on.

 

Do you know an older male (hubby's father, an uncle, friend, priest/minister, male at church) you can trust who maybe can talk to your husband? Maybe some marriage counseling might be good -- even if you go yourself. Anyway I'm very sorry you're going through such a hard time. Hopefully, someone else will have something more constructive for you.

 

If all else fails, go the "Time to man up, buddy" route. If nothing else, it'll make you feel good to get it out.

[grace'smom]

:grouphug::grouphug:My daughter is five, and my husband seems to have gotten much closer to her as she has aged and been able to participate more in the activities he enjoyed (building, outdoor stuff, etc.). When she was younger he did not bond as well with her and he felt like he was on the outside looking in a lot. It also did not help at all that he had to stand aside so often as I was completely focused on her care... In a way it's like he is a kid too, and he was watching what was once his love alone become completely focused on someone else and expecting him to just deal with it and be a grown up about it. As Grace has gotten more independent and needed less actual caretaking time (diapers, spoon feeding, dressing, etc.) from me, I have been able to give some of that attention back to him and he can see her as a person and not an interloper. Does that make sense? It does in my mind but I am not sure I can put it into the right words. It's not as if he doesn't LOVE her, just that he felt a bit (childish I know) cheated of his time with me. Now, he gets time with me AND gets to do things he perceives as fun with her, and can have great conversations with her, etc., so the family dynamic is completely different.

 

Maybe as your little ones get older and more able to do some of those fun things your husband enjoys, he might be able to bond with them a little more?

[Renee in NC]

I'm not being flip, but I think you and your dh need to seek professional counseling right away if you haven't already.

 

Please. ASAP.

[ktgrok]

what kind of relationship does he have with his dad? Maybe he doesn't know a different way? Can you get together as a family with other couples that have kids? Maybe help him see that the kids are now a part of how you socialize, not an obstacle to socializing? And maybe try to arrange some one on one time with the 4 year old doing something he likes to do....maybe a local minor league sports game? I'm wondering if left on his own with the child he might start to develop some parenting skills...its sooo easy for us as moms to do all the parenting and not give the dads a chance to really experience it.

 

That said, I do think you need counseling ASAP as a couple, and he probably needs it on his own too. Approach it with him in the sense of "i know that this family thing is hard on you, and I want us to get counseling to see how to make it work better for you."

[....]

I agree with seeking marriage counseling.

 

On another note...I'm 33 this year and I wonder if people don't go thru some weird change that year. I barely recognize myself sometimes. Maybe it's the "leaving your 20's - going into your 30's" thing. I've found myself doing things that I NEVER would have done ten years ago. Also, I've fluctuated between "there's no reason for living if all we do is work" to the "we need to work 24 hours a day or all is lost" to the "let's take the entire family whitewater rafting!". :glare: Yeah, weird, right? I've also recently decided that a.) we are moving to Europe because I want to travel more of the world with the kids, b.) we are going to visit every single state park in Texas - AND the kids are going to learn how to kayak, and c.) we're renting a house because I wanna be able to just "lift off" and blow where the wind takes us. My friend (who's a guy) has also decided that he wants to climb Mt. Hood. :glare:

 

I'm just saying, I can't quite put my finger on it...but there's something weird and funky about that age. I don't know if you're suddenly wanting to do "all the things you've never done" and maybe people get this "I'm not taking any more cr&* from Anybody!" attitude. I don't know.

[Melinda in VT]

I absolutely wouldn't get divorced over this. It sounds like your marriage is still strong and healthy, so I don't see a need for you to get out of it for your health and sanity (based on what you've shared here).

 

And it's doubtful that your husband would see much of the kids at all if you do divorce, given what you've said. Keep the family together. I agree that your DH might feel differently about the kids as they get older.

 

I also wouldn't have any more kids as long as DH feels this way.

[Mama Geek]

There are lots of guys who don't want anything to do with kids. All you have to do is look around at all the kids out there who don't have a father in their life.

 

You haven't said if he has never wanted kids, I assume that you two discussed this before you got married.

[Carrie12345]

My dh (now 33) had a bumpy transition from Single Guy to Dad. I already had a 2yo when we got married, so there was no in between stage for him. However, in his case, he always wanted kids. We just weren't prepared for them to come so quickly!

 

We started counseling while I was pregnant with our second daughter (kid #3), so over 7 years ago. While we only went for a few months, it was a huge eye opener for both of us. We both have doubts that we would have made it without that experience. All this time later, we still use the tools we learned back then to get through the rougher patches.

 

I'm not going to pass any sort of judgment one way or another, but I will say that my own dh adores babies and older kids. He struggles to connect with the in-betweeners. And sometimes I do, too! While both of us love all of our children every minute, babies are cuter and easier, and older kids are more self sufficient and *interesting*.

 

But I'm definitely a big fan of couseling!

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

Your husband may warm up to the role of dad as your children grow and can carry on a conversation and actually interact with him.

 

 

I have certainly seen this with the men around me, including my husband. They do get more interested when the kids can join *their* interest, and not the opposite...

[mmasmommy]

I agree with those who have suggested counseling. :grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

That would just about kill me to hear that.

I agree with some posters that as they get older, he might enjoy them more. To be honest, my mother did not like children and didn't really relate to us with enjoyment until we were adults. It was hard.

How does your dh interact with your kids? It sounds like this came as a total surprise when he said nothing about enjoying them, so I'm guessing that maybe his actions are appropriate with them? If so, that will go a long way. (There are times, I think, when most parents don't like a particular kid--at least in that phase--but if we continue to act in love, the child still gets what s/he needs.)

If your dh is aloof with your boys, I would make sure that there is a grandfather, uncle, etc. in their lives who does adore them and from whom they can get lots of male attention and approval.

 

ETA: think very carefully about divorce. It usually increases problems. As a child of divorce (and one which, looking back, the party who left now realizes it was a mistake) I can testify that the hurt to the children lasts forever. It's radical surgery and should only be undertaken when less intrusive methods just can't work. In your case, the divorce would be about him not liking little kids. His relationship with them would be expected to worsen, not improve, following a divorce. Now if he is abusive, it's a different matter.

Edited August 18, 2010 by Laurie4b

[starwarsmomma]

I think the counseling is good.

 

MY FIL was definately like this (still is towards the grandkids now!) He let MIL do everything and just watched from the background.

 

According to my MIL, she had to encourage father son activities/hobbies. When my hubby was old enough, she got them to camp, fish together. Then model cars, then slot car competetion (building then racing at a local place for trophies), cub scouts, home repairs together, yardwork together, etc...

 

Once they had common interests, things improved.

 

He loved his son, he just had to learn what to do with him. Make sense?

[May]

I'm so sorry you are going through this:grouphug: I agree that you both should seek counseling to help you during this time. But may I respectfully suggest you don't talk about this anymore with your Mom and sister. When things do get better, they may hold this against him and that relationship may be forever damaged. Take care.

[Hockey Mom]

I agree with what everyone else has said. May I make a few suggestions?

 

How about starting a "Daddy's Night Out" with your boys? When they reach a certain age (we started at 3), Dh would take ONE boy out for a night of go-karts/mini golf, a movie, fishing, etc. He does this about once a month with each boy.

 

Or as Joyfulheart suggested, have your Dh find a hobby to do with his boys.

 

Do the two of you have 'Date Night'? If not, try to have one at least once a month.

 

Do you have friends with children? Try having your friends come over for a BBQ every few weeks. It may help him to see other dads interacting with their kids.

 

My heart goes out to you. I think once your Dh is able to spend time (one on one) with each of his sons, it will help him bond with them better. The key is one at a time though. Three at once may be too overwhelming for him. Start slowly.

[Wyndie]

I don't have any pearls of wisdom for you. I am in the exact same situation, only my children are slightly older. I HAVE seriously considered divorce but chose against it b/c I don't want to share my children. We have been to a good Christian counselor but unfortunately he was our friend before we needed counseling so he has not been firm with DH like he would have been if there wasn't a friendship involved. (Yes, I know this to be true, he has told me when DH was not around -- he's trying not to alienate DH) We stopped counseling b/c it was only frustrating us more. So I am left with a DH who doesn't like kids much and has even taken back his agreement to have more.

 

Every day is a battle of the mind. I can see a clear difference in my behavior when I focus on what I hate about him. And there is a major difference also when I think about what is good. Yes, he is a terrible father. But somewhere inside, he does love us, he just doesn't love us as much as we would like. He hasn't left us, which would make his life easier, so he has that quality at least. Thinking about the good things helps my own attitude. I cannot change him, he will always be the mediocre dad unless he makes changes. But I can change me. I can be such a great mom that my kids don't feel the absence so sharply. And let me tell you, that is a tough order to fill. I don't do it well every day but sometimes I do it right.

 

This time in your life hurts. But keep your mind on the good things. You CAN'T change the bad, so don't dwell on it. Dwell on what you can change. You can give you children such good memories of mom that the absence of dad is less painful.

 

I don't know if that helped at all.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[nono]

I feel like my head is spinning. I asked if he loved the boys and he said "I like them when they are not annoying.".. .. I couldn't respond. I wanted to die. I look at our 3 boys and see so much and all he sees is 3 people taking up his wife's time, his "free" time and are annoying.

<snip>

You know what I really want to say is GROW UP!! You have three wonderful kids you selfish jerk and some people try so hard to have kids and can't!!!!!!!!! Your kids adore you! Grow up and become a dad! ---

 

 

I'm older and my husband was like this. First, I'll advise that you only say "Perhaps you need to grow up" once. If you don't think you can only say it once, then don't do it. I do think as a partner in a relationship it is your job to suggest something that may not have occurred to him (hanging onto his youth). But, after saying it once, it's not a suggestion anymore, ya know?

 

I also think it's a great idea to point out how much the kids adore him, without attaching the "grow up" part to the conversation. I would simply say, "Well you must be doing something right in the Dad department, because the kids sure love you." And maybe, as you catch him doing some good little parenting thing, compliment him on that in private. Complimenting my husband on his little victories really allowed him to open up about how inadequate he felt as a Dad. I simply smile and say, "Yeah, but you're getting better." And treat it not as a big problem.

 

And, I also think it would be a good idea to acknowledge that kids are annoying! Even yours. :) Just be sure it is out of the earshot of the kids.

 

Good luck. It sounds terrible, but it actually may not be, so hang in there and play it out. :grouphug:

[bairnmama]

:grouphug: I know you probably don't want to hear this, but my "d"h was like this. Before we married, I watched him play with babies and preschoolers and seem to have fun... after we were married it seemed he wanted to stay single and "enjoy" life with no strings attached. He started staying home less and less and hanging out with his single guy friends more and more.

 

I did make the "grow up" comment to him once and it didn't seem to phase him. He finally left us and has only spent a grand total (if you add together all the hours and days) of about 2 weeks with them in the last year. Even then it's about what HE wants to do and not about what THEY would like to do. (like taking a 4 yr old hunting when he's actually trying to be quiet and get a good shot)

 

You've gotten good advice already and I strongly agree with those who suggest counseling... just know that he may see it as a total waste of his time and just not go. I'm sorry you're going through this, but I also agree that you should stick it out. If he really wants a life w/o kids he will find a way to get it, but I don't think you should make it easy for him by filing for divorce. I've known others that have really turned around and made great fathers... that just didn't happen with us. :grouphug:

[shannatheshedevil]

My husband didn't start really enjoying being a dad until our son got to be about 3 and a half or so and started developing real interests that my husband could relate to. They're as thick as thieves now, but before that, my husband, honestly, just went through the motions. My husband also didn't want children, and also DEFINITELY didn't want more than one, but now we're talking about another.

[Mejane]

Very good advice from Kathleen. Your husband sounds a lot like my cousin's husband. He felt very overwhelmed by having four young kids. As they grew, however, so did he. He has turned into one of the best dads I know.

[Tiff in TX]

My husband didn't start really enjoying being a dad until our son got to be about 3 and a half or so and started developing real interests that my husband could relate to. They're as thick as thieves now, but before that, my husband, honestly, just went through the motions. My husband also didn't want children, and also DEFINITELY didn't want more than one, but now we're talking about another.

 

Our best friends are like this. Their son and DD4 are the same age. The husband just didn't enjoy the baby stage, but the older his son gets, the more time they spend together. They have decided not to have anymore children... even though the wife would very much like another.

 

Maybe your husband simply isn't a "little kid" person and will flourish when your sons get a little older and can really do guy things together.

 

Sending :grouphug:

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I know I'll sound harsh, but if he truly, really never wanted to have kids, he should have had a vasectomy. He did not do that, and I'm sure that he was aware he was not using any other form of contraception on himself when he was in the process of creating these kids with you. Therefore, whether he wanted the kids or not is irrelevant. He has the kids, now, and needs to realize that he is responsible for them. I agree with others in that my dh gets along much better with our kids now that they are little "people" instead of babies, so that may help. It sounds like your dh may need some counseling to get over his childish desire to retain his young and single lifestyle. Maybe he didn't realize how cruel his comments were to you. I think you need to have a discussion with him about how that made you feel. Like most moms, you probably cherish your family life and want your dh to be a part of that.

[poodlemama]

I agree you would benefit from seeking family counseling.

 

Also, the ages that your kids are can be difficult for fathers. They are very demanding, they take a lot of the moms time and energy that used to go to dad, and dad is probably gone most of the day so he likely feels distant from a tightly knitt little group of you and the kids. In my experience men bond more with the kids as they grow up. My husband now does lots with our kids and the FIL and my father are much better at the grandparent thing then they were at the father thing.

 

It might also help if your husband has friends who also have kids the same age as yours and friends with kids who are involved in similar activities. My husband flys general aviation planes and gave it up when we got married because we couldn't afford it. Then we had kids etc. and even though he missed it he felt he couldn't fly now that we had a family. Then he met a co-worker who also flies small planes and has a family. We are good friends with them now and he realized he could still do what he loves and involve the family (especially the 6 yo ds love loves getting to fly and work on the airplane).

 

Good luck! And again I suggest finding counseling!

 

Lindsey

[hornblower]

I don't have a dh like this but I think about these issues a lot because I write romance & I 'invent' men on paper all the time & I like to think about what men are like & what they're not like.

 

And you know how we talk about women & girls & the triple bind and how we have to be everything now? Smart and funny and attractive and know how to invisible hem pants & negotiate a 1% reduction on a mortgage?

 

Men have this problem too. I think many of them just cannot be ALL those things. They're good at some things & not good at others. It seems to me that some of the most driven Type A/alpha/warrior types (Wyndie, I'm thinking of that flight suit here :)) are often not terribly in touch with their nurturing sides. They either don't know how to or just never developed those skills or don't have anyone to model for them how to be a dad, or maybe they're actually much too vulnerable to open that package.

 

But stripped to the basics, I see really decent men, who are still there, still providing for their families. That may be their love language. That may be all the nurturing they are capable of.

 

They get up every day & go to work & bring their money back to you. That is love.

 

We want all the rest (& yeah, romance authors make their living writing alphas who are in touch with their soft sides.... but you know - it's FICTION :D) but maybe, just maybe, this is actually enough. Sure, you want them to have closer relationships with the kids but in the end, it's his & their path to walk & work out.

[SonshineLearner]

Sorry :( I would think about it a bit differently, depending on the Worldview that he has. Are you all Christians? Secular? etc...

 

It really does matter about the roots that he has ....

[Hockey Mom]

I don't have a dh like this but I think about these issues a lot because I write romance & I 'invent' men on paper all the time & I like to think about what men are like & what they're not like.

 

And you know how we talk about women & girls & the triple bind and how we have to be everything now? Smart and funny and attractive and know how to invisible hem pants & negotiate a 1% reduction on a mortgage?

 

Men have this problem too. I think many of them just cannot be ALL those things. They're good at some things & not good at others. It seems to me that some of the most driven Type A/alpha/warrior types (Wyndie, I'm thinking of that flight suit here :)) are often not terribly in touch with their nurturing sides. They either don't know how to or just never developed those skills or don't have anyone to model for them how to be a dad, or maybe they're actually much too vulnerable to open that package.

 

But stripped to the basics, I see really decent men, who are still there, still providing for their families. That may be their love language. That may be all the nurturing they are capable of.

 

They get up every day & go to work & bring their money back to you. That is love.

 

We want all the rest (& yeah, romance authors make their living writing alphas who are in touch with their soft sides.... but you know - it's FICTION :D) but maybe, just maybe, this is actually enough. Sure, you want them to have closer relationships with the kids but in the end, it's his & their path to walk & work out.

 

:iagree:

[justamouse]

Is this normal? I know I can't change him, but do other men go through the transition from single guy to married to married with children and change their priorities? Do you know any man who never embraced the role of dad, but just saw being a dad as a hinderance to his own personal goals?

 

I feel like my head is spinning. I asked if he loved the boys and he said "I like them when they are not annoying.".. .. I couldn't respond. I wanted to die. I look at our 3 boys and see so much and all he sees is 3 people taking up his wife's time, his "free" time and are annoying.

 

I am so confused. Any thoughts? Suggestions? I mentioned this situation briefly to my mom and sister and they both think I need to leave him. But to me I would rather try to work it out before divorce.

 

 

What Kathleen said, and what Hornblower said. And get into counseling.

 

The one man I know who is like that is my son's father. Notice I didn't say husband. He is 37 now, had one more child, was in a relationship and emotionally neglected her, she passed away recently (at 34 fromn a horrible fight with cancer) and now he is 'reassesing'. He wanted all fun, all the time, and yes, he brought home the $, that was all he was capable of. But it doesn't make for a marriage or a father.

 

My husband didn't know what a kid was before we got married-but he knew he eventually wanted a family. he was a total bad boy. I can't even say how bad, that's his story to tell. He graduated HS making 64k a year, owning a house and stingray corvette. He is now the most devoted Dad and husband-because he wants to be. He wants to. that's the difference. I couldn't make him, he had to do it on his own.

 

My son's father has the two most incredible parents a person could ask for. Devoted, sacrificing, downright flipping amazing. So even though he grew up seeing that he wants none of it. You can't make them want it. It's plain old selfishness. You can't be the 'woman' who changes him by loving him enough, or his children loving him enough. He has to want it. Counseling. It might be a phase, he may never love the way you want to be loved, but you'll need counseling to work through all of that.

Edited August 18, 2010 by justamouse

[Kathleen in VA]

 

But stripped to the basics, I see really decent men, who are still there, still providing for their families. That may be their love language. That may be all the nurturing they are capable of.

 

They get up every day & go to work & bring their money back to you. That is love.

 

We want all the rest (& yeah, romance authors make their living writing alphas who are in touch with their soft sides.... but you know - it's FICTION :D) but maybe, just maybe, this is actually enough. Sure, you want them to have closer relationships with the kids but in the end, it's his & their path to walk & work out.

 

:iagree:This describes my husband very well. He loves his kids, but when they were little, well, he was just as happy to leave them in my care and keeping. Now that they are older and can talk computers and football, it's much different. But, mainly he just gets up everyday and goes to a job he really hates and then goes to another job he's ok with (he's done this for the whole 25 years we've been married) and brings home the bacon. That is his love language -providing for his family. Honestly, I don't know he's managed to do it all these years without cracking up. But he plods along and does the best he can as a father.

 

In my circles, it is also expected that the dad will lead the family in Bible reading and devotions every evening. Dh has never done that. He will discuss the Bible as he lives his life or when he offers advice, but we have never had a family worship time. I used to fret something awful about this but I've learned it's just not his way.

 

I know I had a very "romantic" view of what a dad should be - no doubt a composite of all the tv show and movie dads I had ever seen growing up. Dh is nothing like that, but he's faithful and hard-working and, in his own way, he shows us all love. I've really had to come to terms with that through the years and just accept him for what he is.

 

Maybe that's how you can show your dh that you love him. Just accept him the way he is. Be thankful for all he does for you and show him how much you appreciate that. People have a way of blossoming when they feel appreciated and loved.

[Liz CA]

I agree with those who have suggested counseling. :grouphug:

 

Find a good counselor, ask for referrals. If you are in a church that may be a good way to start.

 

It's possible that your dh just never figured out his role in being a dad. He does sound very "young" when he says those things, perhaps a counselor can guide him through the maze of his feelings and also men are often NOT adept at expressing what their thoughts are. Often it comes out a little skewed and sounds terrible to our (female) ears. A counselor can help with this too.

 

I watched my dh go from a relatively carefree guy to wanting to embrace this huge task of fatherhood. He seemed to suddenly have a stronger sense of responsibility. He was 27 when ds was born, if that makes a difference and we were married for 5 years before we had kids. There was a lot of time to "play" and do what we wanted to do.

[justamouse]

:iagree:This describes my husband very well. He loves his kids, but when they were little, well, he was just as happy to leave them in my care and keeping. Now that they are older and can talk computers and football, it's much different. But, mainly he just gets up everyday and goes to a job he really hates and then goes to another job he's ok with (he's done this for the whole 25 years we've been married) and brings home the bacon. That is his love language -providing for his family. Honestly, I don't know he's managed to do it all these years without cracking up. But he plods along and does the best he can as a father.

 

In my circles, it is also expected that the dad will lead the family in Bible reading and devotions every evening. Dh has never done that. He will discuss the Bible as he lives his life or when he offers advice, but we have never had a family worship time. I used to fret something awful about this but I've learned it's just not his way.

 

I know I had a very "romantic" view of what a dad should be - no doubt a composite of all the tv show and movie dads I had ever seen growing up. Dh is nothing like that, but he's faithful and hard-working and, in his own way, he shows us all love. I've really had to come to terms with that through the years and just accept him for what he is.

 

Maybe that's how you can show your dh that you love him. Just accept him the way he is. Be thankful for all he does for you and show him how much you appreciate that. People have a way of blossoming when they feel appreciated and loved.

 

The difference is though, that your husband wants to be there. He's not as emotional, but he wants to be there, and he will be, because that's how he loves this family. I totally agree with your post on that. With the OP, though, I am reading that her husband's problem is that he wants to be anywhere but where he is. That difference is subtle, but huge.

[Kathleen in VA]

The difference is though, that your husband wants to be there. He's not as emotional, but he wants to be there, and he will be, because that's how he loves this family. I totally agree with your post on that. With the OP, though, I am reading that her husband's problem is that he wants to be anywhere but where he is. That difference is subtle, but huge.

 

Yes, I see your point. Subtle, but very huge, if he truly does not want to be there. Then again, I wonder if my husband felt the same way when we were younger but never voiced it. The OP came right out and asked her husband how he felt and he gave her an honest answer. I really respect him for that. Some men might have lied to get out having to have a talk like that - just to get out of having to deal with it, you know? Perhaps he was a little too honest, but at least he has made his position clear. I would have been heartbroken if I had probed my husband's thoughts only to hear what the OP heard. It breaks my heart for her.

 

I guess I was thinking that perhaps this is not an unusual phenomenon and that most wives probably don't know how much their husbands dislike the baby/toddler stage of child-rearing because they never have the kind of heart-to-heart talk the OP described. Perhaps many men have a hard time adjusting to letting go of the carefree single/newlywed days and embracing the role of father. Our society certainly encourages that kind of attitude. I'm just trying to be hopeful that this is a typical stage men go through and that time will be the great healer in her case. Of course, I could just be being very naive - it's happened before.:tongue_smilie:

[Dobela]

The difference is though, that your husband wants to be there. He's not as emotional, but he wants to be there, and he will be, because that's how he loves this family. I totally agree with your post on that. With the OP, though, I am reading that her husband's problem is that he wants to be anywhere but where he is. That difference is subtle, but huge.

It is so hard to be in these situations. I would be heartbroken if my dh didn't see my kids they way I do or want to spend time with them. But you know what, he didn't at first. When they were babies, he was intimidated and had never actually cared for a child on his own before. Me, well I had baby sat and been a teacher and all that. Besides he thought women just come wired knowing exactly what to do and when. It was a shock for him to learn that I didn't know it all.

 

But I also realized that I was never leaving him alone with the kids to let him learn without my watchful eye and critically corrective tongue. He did/does things very differently than I do and I had to accept that. Before I did, I actually think I drove him away from our kids more than anything else with all of my expections, instructions, and corrections. He would go out with friends, work late hours, volunteer for every job at church, and so on.

 

Since I learned to back off and just let him grow as a dad and be a dad, he is now one of the most wonderful dad's around. But it took me leaving the house for an hour to buy groceries alone, ging to a class at church for a couple of hours, leaving the kids with him while I got my hair cut and so on. I may have come back to a messier house or messy kids, but it was worth it because he learned how to interact and each of their personalities and built his own relationship.

 

So yes, counseling may be helpful. But the dad may not be the only person needing to make changes.

[Catwoman]

We have 3 boys, 4yrs, 2yrs and 5 months.

 

Ok, I'll try to ask this as gently as I can...

 

Why did your dh agree to have three children, so close in age, if he didn't want to be a father?

 

I mean, one "little accident" I could understand, but three???

 

And this is the part I'm trying to phrase gently... didn't you, at any time, stop and notice that perhaps this man didn't want kids? Didn't he ever mention it?

 

My gosh, I feel so badly for you. Your dh sounds incredibly self-absorbed and immature, and I'm having a very difficult time sympathizing with his position, as he could have simply said he didn't want children, and that would have been that... but instead, he has three children. What's up with that?

 

Are you sure he really feels the way he said he did? Could it be possible that he was just having a really lousy day and was reminiscing about the "good old days?"

 

I think you should bring up the subject again and have him clarify what he meant, as sometimes we all say incredibly stupid things. If he still maintains the same position, both you and he need to figure out how you want to proceed from there. Only you know the details about the rest of your relationship, and how well you get along in general.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

Cat

[lincap]

Thank you all for your replies! I don't get on the computer that often during the day... so I will be quick.

 

We were both rasied Catholic and by the time we met (he was 20 I was 19) we had left our old home churches and were aimless with religion. When we were maybe 22 and 24 we went to a UCC church that we LOVED. We married in 2004 I was 26 he was 28. We had our first son Nov 05, our second Feb 08 and 3rd Mar 10.

 

We had talked about kids before we got married and he was not for or against.. just took it as yeah kids will happen someday. Then we tried activily for a few months to conceive our oldest. For our second we were not trying and not avoiding. For our third we were actively avoiding.

 

gotta run... 2 yr old pooped and 5 month old needs to nurse!

[elinnea]

I know what you are going through and it is so hard. My dh is like this too. He wanted to have kids, in fact #3 was his idea, but he isn't really a dad. When the boys were younger he always said that he would enjoy them more when they weren't babies/ toddlers. Well, they are 12 and 9 years old and I am still waiting for him to step up to the plate. My dh works long hours and often has to travel for weeks at a time on business so that is a problem too in that he isn't forced to spend a lot of time with them to really get to know them and build a relationship. However, when he is home he doesn't really inititate anything. It makes me really sad.

[katemary63]

I'm not being flip, but I think you and your dh need to seek professional counseling right away if you haven't already.

 

:iagree: I do not this his attitude is normal or healthy. I'm so sorry you are going thru this. Do try to get help soon. Even if you have to go by yourself. :grouphug:

[Greta]

I can only answer you based on my personal experiences and feelings, but I wish to say very clearly that I disagree with your family most vehemently, I do NOT feel that this is good grounds for divorce. If the problem is that your husband is not active in his role as father, let's get very real here and realize that divorce is going to make that problem far, far worse, not better! Don't rob your sons of the chance for their father to step up to the plate and do the right thing here.

 

I think your husband is right to a certain extent - mothers adapt to their role as parent more quickly because we have to. God/nature designed us that way because the survival of our children depends heavily upon it. With fathers, I have seen that it often takes them a little longer to wrap their heads and their hearts around all the changes. Don't give up, because in my experience, you are just getting to the point where that change starts to happen! For my dh, it happened when my daughter was 4, the age your eldest is now. Please don't give up hope.

 

You know, a lot of the things on his list are things that a son would really enjoy doing with a father. Give him the space and the opportunity to start doing those things with his sons - particularly with the oldest. The youngest ones need their mom the most right now, and your husband needs the chance to see how fun and rewarding parenting can be. That might be easiest to accomplish one on one with his firstborn. Maybe you can set up some situations where the two of them will have the chance to do some of the things on his list together.

 

Also, maybe you can ask your mom and your sister to help you with babysitting so that they can do something constructive to support your marriage. It sounds like your husband is wanting some time alone with you, a perfectly valid need. There's so much that is needed from the mother of young children, and it's so consuming of our time, energy, and emotions that we sometimes forget how much our husbands need us too.

 

I can imagine how hurt you were by your husband's words (fwiw, mine told me something similar once), but I don't think he's a bad guy. I think from his perspective, he's got all the responsibilities and pressures of parenthood, but hasn't tapped into the sheer joy of it. I think you can help him do that. :grouphug:

 

ETA: My dd is soon to be 11, and she and my husband have a great relationship. He will never be as "hands-on" or involved as *I* would like him to be. That is his personality, and I have learned that I have to accept it. BUT, my daughter knows that she is loved and valued by him, and that is the reason I would not recommend a divorce over this issue.

Edited August 18, 2010 by GretaLynne

[Mad Jenny Flint]

that I hate to hear of anyone in this situation,

 

that I think you can work it out,

 

that I think it will take a lot of communicating and compromising from you,

 

and that some of it you will need to work out in your own head- decide how you will manage your thinking on it and your behavior.

 

If he is open to it, I believe therapy is a wonderful tool if you can get a good therapist. Many years ago, my dh and I went in for Imago therapy, which is a really great style which focuses on the relationship and how the partners' needs and desires fit together, and how each can help the other to achieve individual and mutual goals together. We went for about 6 mos., maybe a little more, and it was the single best thing we have ever done for our marriage. Did things improve immediately, by leaps and bounds? Well, no, but they did improve some, and over the 15 years since our relationship has gotten better and better.

 

Also, you should know that marital satisfaction ratings are at their lowest when couples have kids under 5, and the more kids they have that age, the lower it is. That's just facts.

 

So I recommend you try hard to love your husband and remember why you love him each day. While you are doing that, please take care of yourself- find time just for you in the week and little snippets in each day, and focus on your goals for being the best you can be for you and your kids, and your husband, too.

[Greta]

But stripped to the basics, I see really decent men, who are still there, still providing for their families. That may be their love language. That may be all the nurturing they are capable of.

 

They get up every day & go to work & bring their money back to you. That is love.

 

This IS my dh! I suspect you must write your male characters very well, because you sure got this one right. :)

[JVA]

I'm not being flip, but I think you and your dh need to seek professional counseling right away if you haven't already.

 

I haven't read all the responses you've received but this is my suggestion as well. He already MADE the choice to be a husband and father and now he needs to follow through. Reassure him that he's not the only guy to feel this way and you're not asking him to deny himself EVERYTHING he likes/wants to do, just that he can't detach himself and go back on his commitment. Is there an older man in his life that can mentor/encourage him. Is he around other young fathers at all?

[Catwoman]

I can only answer you based on my personal experiences and feelings, but I wish to say very clearly that I disagree with your family most vehemently, I do NOT feel that this is good grounds for divorce.

 

I don't either, and I am speaking as someone who is not strictly anti-divorce.

 

If this is the only problem in the marriage, and the OP's dh isn't mean, violent, or otherwise abusive, I think they may be able to work things out over time. Not all people are wonderful parents, but those same people aren't necessarily terrible parents, either, and they can improve over time.

 

If the OP's family sees many other negative traits in her dh -- things that she hasn't mentioned here -- she should certainly consider their opinions, and decide whether or not the complaints are valid.

 

Based on the information we've received, it sounds like the OP's dh is self-centered and immature, but not necessarily a bad person. It seems more like he needs a good kick in the pants to get him to grow up and stop trying to be 18 years old.

 

Additionally, this guy has gone from being a relatively free spirit, to the parent of 3 young children, all in less than 5 years. I don't think it's entirely abnormal for him to sometimes feel overwhelmed and wonder how he can manage to deal with all of it. He needs help to work through his feelings of the loss of his old life, and to realize that his "newer" life as a husband and father can be just as fulfilling, albeit in a different way, and that could take a lot of time, effort, and understanding from others.

 

Cat

[WishboneDawn]

He went on to tell me how women change when they have kids (and that I have) but men don't and he has no intention of changing. He said he still wants to do the same things, his goals are the same and that the kids are just adding to him not having time to do what he wants to do.

 

Just t let you know, I think he' generalizing his feelings in order to justify them. My brother did not feel this way. My husband does not feel this way. My BIL does not feel this way. I could go on. The men in my life who've become fathers have felt it changed their priorities, goals and joys deeply.

 

I second the counseling idea.

[goldberry]

Just to offer some hope, I have a dear friend who married a man who is a serious musician. When they married, he was extremely selfish, and although he loved my friend very much, he viewed their marraige as an "interference" to his goals and life.

 

My friend was wondering if their marraige could work, not to mention she felt like they could NEVER have kids with his attitude like that. But, he was willing to go to counseling and try to work on things.

 

To sum up, the counseling turned his attitude around. Not only did it save their marraige, but now, several years later, they are having their first child - a mutual decision.

 

He eventually came to see that all his personal goals and enjoyments wouldn't mean much if he was alone and bereft of any real relationships in his life.

 

There is hope for change!