How do you respond to this or do even respond at all?

[EarthyMama]

It sucks when grown women act like teenagers. BTDT. I'm sorry you're going through this. I feel your pain AND I also have a PA son. :)

[cara]

It sucks when grown women act like teenagers. BTDT. I'm sorry you're going through this. I feel your pain AND I also have a PA son. :)

 

Totally OT, your pictures are amazing.. I am a wanna be photography trying to learn so I can take pictures and actually make money doing so LOL

[cara]

Tap, Tap, Tap - your right, anything I say now will be defensive and nothing I say will get through to her.

 

I really feel it's time to move on, I grieve for the friendship it was, but I'm ok and at peace with the decision. I like what you said about not all friendships are meant to last forever, this one wasn't for whatever reason. We are in two completely different places in our lives and we both need to move on.

[Rosie_0801]

Why is it that the last 3 times I've stood up for myself, it's been turned into me being the bad guy? Is this what happens when nice people grow a backbone?

 

Yep.

 

There are people out there who'll like you "despite" your backbone. You will find them.

 

Rosie

[StephanieZ]

Oh, hon! That's not a friend. You don't go belittling and ridiculing your friends. Kick her to the curb. Who needs that kind of "friend?" You deserve better than her, that's for sure!

 

Well said!!!! :iagree:

 

I'll just add that I had a similar run-in with a "friend" several years ago. It was actually the only time I've had someone really bash my hs'ing (in a decade!). . . She caught me at a very vulnerable moment (seriously ill child) and was pretty much blaming me & hs'ing for the child's illness (totally whacked.) I was devastated at the moment. . . but quickly realized the truth you've been hearing here from others. . . That she was totally out of line and that I didn't need friends like that. I've been civil, but kept my distance ever since. I just don't have emotional space for that kind of scariness. I know it hurts, but you'll feel better soon. . . and you really should put any energies you have into OTHER relationships and just zero into this life-sucking cretin.

[OnTheBrink]

Oh. My. Goodness. Gracious.

 

How rude and presumptuous. How overbearing. How arrogant. How hurtful. I don't think she needs a response. Silence is golden. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone, even those who love you. And this "friend" doesn't love you.

 

:iagree:

 

I'd let my silence be deafening.

 

And really, what a joke to say that you only surround yourself with people who "stroke your ego". We all need support, whether it's for hsing or something else. That's called "having friends", something she clearly knows nothing about.

 

Go get an egg, draw her face on it and smash it.

[CherylG]

Yep.

 

There are people out there who'll like you "despite" your backbone. You will find them.

 

Rosie

:iagree:

and maybe she feels guilty for not homeschooling her child...I'm just saying...:D

[gaillardia]

I would delete her message and unfriend her (or whatever you do to banish people on facebook), and I would not respond to her. It would just give her smug satisfaction since she accuses you of "always have to have the last word."

 

This is one of those kinds of situations where I would just keep repeating to myself "be the better person.... be the better person."

Good for you, Cara.

It is hard to lose a relationship, now do something good for yourself. You deserve it.

[RanchGirl]

Since you are going to see this freak in other situations, I would reply: "Thanks for your feedback. I'll be sure to give it all the consideration it deserves."

 

I would not try to defend myself against her inane accusations. I would not let her know she gets to you at all, just play it cool and let her know her babble is so ridiculous it's completely beneath response. When I see crazy people in the street, I don't get upset that they're acting crazy toward me, I don't take it personally, and I certainly don't engage them and try to convince them they're crazy, I just cross the street and live my life.

 

And be cautious as well, because a nutjob like this may not hesitate to call child services and make something up in her effort to "save" your child from you. So make sure your legal forms are up to date and do your best to avoid this chick and not engage her.

[AuntieM]

Since you are going to see this freak in other situations, I would reply: "Thanks for your feedback. I'll be sure to give it all the consideration it deserves."

 

I would not try to defend myself against her inane accusations...

 

I agree that you should not engage if you see her, but do be prepared with a diffusing mantra, something to say that she cannot come back on, like ranchgirl suggests. Practice saying it!

 

This school year my son worked with a club advisor who said and did things that were very hurtful to him, and of course I, as mama, felt those offenses myself. It was very difficult to be in this woman's company, and it frustrated me that *I* was the one feeling awkward since she was the wrongdoer. Anyway, I really had to go to great effort to truly forgive her in my heart and chalk up her actions to her obvious ignorance. I know it is too close to truly consider this now, but I want to encourage you not to avoid your regular social circle because she is there. You do not have to trust her again, or spend other time with her, just resolve that when your paths cross you will treat her cordially and politely refuse to enter into a discussion about hs'ing. You can hold your head high knowing you are doing right by your child - regardless of her uninformed opinion - and walk away from an encounter the bigger person.

 

You can always talk about the bean dip....;)

Edited May 28, 2010 by AuntieM

[blessed2fosteradopt]

Oh. My. Goodness. Gracious.

 

How rude and presumptuous. How overbearing. How arrogant. How hurtful. I don't think she needs a response. Silence is golden. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone, even those who love you. And this "friend" doesn't love you.

 

:iagree:I had to read it a few times to make sure I was actually seeing the text correctly. Unbelievable! :glare:

[mirth]

Actually, I was struck by the offending ex-friend's singular display of weakness. I'll call it Facebook Weakness. Maybe there is a glorified Latin term for this new disease. (There is nothing noble about hiding behind one's little login name and catapulting discrete projectiles of insult knowing you will not have to face a real-time tongue lashing which ex-f would surely have gotten if she tried the same in person.)

 

Why doesn't she tell you this person in front of all these FBriends? That is a question for the digital ages.

[FlockOfSillies]

The only thing different I might dream about doing is this: save the note from her, and stash it away (without reading it) until your ds receives his college acceptance letters. Then take the whole stack, photocopy them, and mail them to her with a big red smiley face on the front that says, "Thanks for your concern." Maybe throw in a bag of peanuts.

 

Then, hope she shoves that letter in her mouth. Literally.

[cjbeach]

I got an email like that once. We spoke once in the 7 years since then, but I started getting Christmas cards two years ago.

 

Don't respond. It's not worth it. I actually wrote out a long response and said everything that I wanted to say and then I deleted it. If you do this be sure not to put in a recipient email address so that you don't accidentally send it.

I do this, often.

So many people live in a B&W world and if you're not in their B&W it's your "bad."

You know your child and what is best for him, period.

In these times it still shocks me to hear people who are critical of homeschooling when most state's educational budgets have been hammered. Our local gifted class = using the following year's curriculum (so 2nd grade gifted = 3rd grade math, reading, science and SS). :tongue_smilie:

[freeindeed]

I got this message on facebook from a so called friend (she's no longer a friend)

 

I feel like I do need to say one more thing before I walk away. I do think you are wrong for homeschooling C. I think he would thrive in the 'right" enviroment - not home with you all the time. He is an exceptional bright child, I don't think you understand him or have the knowledge to deal with him. You shelter him, and blame everything on his allergies. I understand why you are worried and have supported you for years - BUT ENOUGH. You now know he is Gifted, so give his the opprrtunity AT LEAST, to be around other children like himself. -If it doesn't work, fine! But at least you tried- Instead of being surrounded by people who only Homeschool, and are stroking your ego by telling you, that you are right. Because that's what you are doing. There are PLENTY of other food allergic kids who go to regular school. You are putting yourself in a safe little box, where only you can be right. I'm scared for you and your kid. So there I said it. I'm sure you will respond because you always have to have the last word - but I least I tried for C's sake.

 

I mean really is it too hard to respect people's decisions for their own children. This came to light because I told her I was tired of her bullying me about homeschooling and that she needed to back off.

 

Wow, I'd be angry if someone said this to me, but it's best to let it go. Don't even respond to this. Just let this person move right on out of your life.:grouphug:

[grace'smom]

:grouphug:

 

It is particularly frustrating to see people judge mothers with allergic children. If you really, TRULY, stepped in their shoes for one minute and thought about how awful your fear would be for your child if they had serious, life-threatening allergies, you would never judge someone for making hard decisions. How can anyone be so presumptious as to say that they know better than an allergic child's own mother regarding what level of risk to place the child in? They are not the ones who have to cope with the pain should something horrible happen. It is beyond crossing the line.

 

:grouphug:

[Dayle in Guatemala]

:grouphug:Sorry about the ugliness. Ugh.:grouphug:

[jenL]

Not necessarily, but that's not a woman I'd EVER confide in again.

When you do find yourself face-to-face with her just engage in small talk and keep turning the conversation back to her.

If she asks about school, tell her it's going well (nothing more!) and ask her how her child is doing.

If she asks again, give her the same answer and ask her another question about her family.

Again and again and again.

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree: You may find a new circle, or the one you're in may divide... it's too early to tell. I had a similar situation when I first began homeschooling 2 years ago with a woman whom I was very close to. She did not agree with my choice at all and let me know (more kindly, however), but then she stopped hanging out with me because "It's not fair of me to see your ds when my son can't." She just couldn't get past my decisions for my family; yet, whatever she decided for her family was always right. Regardless, we relate to one another now like the quote above, and it's working well for me. I learned who my real friends are through it all, and although there were many lonely times because she and I were so close, it became easier once I got over my hurt and anger. I know what you're going through, and I'm very sorry! :grouphug:

[MagistraMichelle]

Yowza!!!

 

That is not a friend. With 'friends' like that you don't need enemies. Really.

 

Sounds like you are right, she is controlling.

 

A couple of years ago I had a 'situation' with a 'friend'. Our friendship is over and done with. I won't share many details publicly because she has done things in the past that were disconcerting in regards to joining a group I was a part of and hiding or not 'divulging' it to me. It was very odd at the time but it is clear now what her intentions were.

 

All that to say, I was very hurt and I did consider her my closest female friend. I tried to resolve it with her, but we got nowhere. I finally had to let it go. But man was that ever painful.

 

I still see her and I am no longer bitter but I am very careful about what I tell her. I wish the best for her. But I know she will never really know how hurtful that was to me.

 

You need to draw a line, a nice big BOLD line. I wouldn't respond. But being who I am, I would keep the email for future reference, just in case.

 

And keep up with the circle. Just keep all that happened private. If anyone asks, be the bigger woman and tell them "We have some differences of opinion." Leave it at that. But don't be shocked if there is some gossip. It sounds like she isn't afraid to spout her opinions and belittle you to others.

 

I am sorry. You will get through and be better for it.

 

Michelle

[SproutMamaK]

Why is it that the last 3 times I've stood up for myself, it's been turned into me being the bad guy? Is this what happens when nice people grow a backbone?

 

Generally, yes. People are used to being able to "have their way with you", for lack of a better term. You're changing the status quo (a status quo that allows them to use you for their purposes, whether financial, physicial, emotional, etc), and they're pushing back in hopes that they can deter you from changing.

 

I'm not a psychologist, I just play one on the internet. ;)

[cara]

Thanks guys, you really made me feel better. I talked to a good friend tonight who also homeschools and she said the same thing you all said. Thanks so much for the support.

[Hunter's Moon]

I am not a homeschooling mama, and I have read this whole post and found one part of this very funny.

 

She says you shelter him and he only hangs out with homeschooled children.

 

Doesn't she realized that her child only hangs out with public school kids?? Well now he does, assuming your children won't hang out anymore, and assuming she doesn't know anyone else who is homeschooled. But I am guessing you were her only friend who homeschooled since she has so much prejudice against it.

 

Another thing that I found funny, no matter how immature it is- she misspelled a few words. If I was going to chew someone out for how imperfect they were, I would make sure to make myself seem as perfect as possible.

 

P.S. I am severely allergic to peanuts as well, and being in PS for 2 years of pre-school plus k-10, it is very hard to avoid peanuts/peanut butter and unfortunately kids are mean and immature about it. Peanuts were banned in my school because of me (and I'm sure a few other kids; I couldn't have been the only child allergic) but kids were mad at me for it, and I would get picked on and bullied because of it. You did the right thing taking him out of PS because of it, IMO. Kids are rotten and immature for things beyond other children's control, and it is ridiculous.

 

Well, that was my two cents. :D

Edited May 30, 2010 by BeatleMania

[MariannNOVA]

I definitely would not respond. I would delete or unfriend or whatever one does on fb. And, that would definitely be the end of that relationship. How judgemental, unkind, unsupportive, self-centered, and totally off base and inappropriate of her. I'm sorry someone did this to you.

[Mommyof4ks]

:grouphug: It is hard when 'friends' are hurtful, but over the years I have found that those that judge so harshly are those that are not comfortable with their own decisions, so I just let it go now.

[Mommy22alyns]

Whoa, she completely stepped over the line on that! :001_huh:

[EKS]

Yikes--this woman obviously doesn't have a clue about how well the schools deal with gifted children. Among other things.

 

I'm so sorry you had to deal with this.

[Desert Rat]

I have one child with food allergies. That's not why I homeschool. I have one highly gifted child and that's why we do. There are NO gifted schools for him in our area. The professor of Educational Psych at UNLV recommended homeschooling.

Feel comfortable in your decision, don't respond and walk away. Friends who won't support you aren't friends. Of course you've surrounded yourself with like minded people. Don't we all?

[Scarlett]

I definitely would not respond. I would delete or unfriend or whatever one does on fb. And, that would definitely be the end of that relationship. How judgemental, unkind, unsupportive, self-centered, and totally off base and inappropriate of her. I'm sorry someone did this to you.

 

I skipped to the last page and thot I'd just :iagree: to Mariann's reply...

 

I am amazed that a 'friend' could be so forward and rude. Wow. Totally ignore her message to you and the next time you 'bump' in to her just be sweet and polite. NEVER mention it again. If she ever mentions hs or public school again...pass the bean dip.

 

I've recently become VERY aware of the power I have to IGNORE people who see fit to trample on my feelings. It is empowering.

[cara]

I have one child with food allergies. That's not why I homeschool. I have one highly gifted child and that's why we do. There are NO gifted schools for him in our area. The professor of Educational Psych at UNLV recommended homeschooling.

Feel comfortable in your decision, don't respond and walk away. Friends who won't support you aren't friends. Of course you've surrounded yourself with like minded people. Don't we all?

 

We started out HS because he was being bullied due to his peanut allergy, we had to fight all year to get him accommodations like a peanut free table at lunch where he had to sit alone, and the teacher told another that his peanut allergy was fake and he wasn't really allergic to peanuts. Instead of keep fighting we came home as he was having constant headaches and stomachs.

 

We continue to homeschool because that was the school in our area for gifted and advanced children. The rest of the schools have GT but they have one teacher for the whole school, the one he was at had a GT teacher per grade and all the classroom teachers have had to have at least 5 years of GT experience. They do one or two pull outs a week during PE, he also has ADHD, so he NEEDS PE especially now that recess is nonexistent.

 

I also don't have the fight in me to handle a 504 for the peanut allergy and an IEP for the ADHD to make sure he gets what he needs, just to put him in a classroom with children who are doing work he did 2-3 years ago. For some reason that just doesn't seem like the right environment to me.

 

Thanks everyone for the support. I need to stop dwelling on it but it's hard and it hurts to lose a friend.

[Geo]

Homeschooling is about growing...both individually and as a family. It seems like you have already outgrown a "friend". Consider it a sign of progress. ;)

 

Geo

[Guest janainaz]

How hard that must be to read those words from someone you considered to be a friend. You can see how much she really loves and cares about you and your child by her choice of words.

 

I would refrain from responding.

[Tidbits of Learning]

I got this message on facebook from a so called friend (she's no longer a friend)

 

I feel like I do need to say one more thing before I walk away. I do think you are wrong for homeschooling C. I think he would thrive in the 'right" enviroment - not home with you all the time. He is an exceptional bright child, I don't think you understand him or have the knowledge to deal with him. You shelter him, and blame everything on his allergies. I understand why you are worried and have supported you for years - BUT ENOUGH. You now know he is Gifted, so give his the opprrtunity AT LEAST, to be around other children like himself. -If it doesn't work, fine! But at least you tried- Instead of being surrounded by people who only Homeschool, and are stroking your ego by telling you, that you are right. Because that's what you are doing. There are PLENTY of other food allergic kids who go to regular school. You are putting yourself in a safe little box, where only you can be right. I'm scared for you and your kid. So there I said it. I'm sure you will respond because you always have to have the last word - but I least I tried for C's sake.

 

I mean really is it too hard to respect people's decisions for their own children. This came to light because I told her I was tired of her bullying me about homeschooling and that she needed to back off.

 

This is from another food allergic parent. Walk away. Do not write back. She does not understand or comprehend that there is a point of no return where an epi-pen will not work. She does not grasp that by sending your child to school you are literally placing his life in their hands.

Do not write back to this person. She is toxic. Walk away.

We home school b/c of the food allergies. Only a person with a child with food allergies can truly understand where you are coming from. I don't mean that others can't empathize, but until you have to send your child to school and face the uncertainty of cross contamination and anaphylaxis then you haven't walked a mile in my shoes. She doesn't respect you or your decision and I would be afraid for her to be around my allergic child. I would be afraid that she would try to test his allergies to prove that you are homeschooling for your own gratification.

Walk away and DO NOT look back. She is poison.

[gpsings]

Yeah, I've gotten plenty of that from friends AND family.

You have to answer to your conscience in how you parent your child. Nobody else. Obviously, somehow, your success in homeschooling has hit a nerve with this person and she's lashing out.

I would delete it, and not even address it.

:hugs: I'm sorry for the hurt she caused, please don't take it to heart.

[mommyofthree]

Never. ever. respond. This type thrives on the confrontation. You have her all worked up now by standing up for yourself. The best thing you can do is to remain silent and enjoy your life.

 

I'm almost positive she is going to contact you. This personality type cannot stand to lose control.

[Alphabetika]

Never. ever. respond. This type thrives on the confrontation. You have her all worked up now by standing up for yourself. The best thing you can do is to remain silent and enjoy your life.

 

I'm almost positive she is going to contact you. This personality type cannot stand to lose control.

 

:iagree:

 

I have already responded once to the OP but I had to get back on and say how much I agree with this statement re: not liking to lose control. This personality type will hound you until you say she's right unless you set the boundaries. BTDT in a different situation but still dealing with one of my children.

 

I just re-read her email to you and I am struck again by her arrogance. Did she really say that you don't understand your own child? She sounds delusional. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

[Denisemomof4]

:eek::scared::svengo:

 

be thankful she's out of your life.

 

Don't sink to her level and respond, just let it go. I'm sorry she hurt your feelings, but let it go. She OBVIOUSLY doesn't understand homeschooling. And you, more than anyone else, know what's best for your child. You DON'T need to be concerned about her opinion.

:grouphug:

[melmichigan]

I would send her a link to something like Genius Denied, just because she obviously hasn't researched this well if she is worried that he is gifted and missing out on something in public school. With a few exceptions she couldn't be more wrong. I homeschool because there are no gifted laws in my state and my school district has admitted they can't do anything to meet my DC's needs at their level (that isn't against the law here). While there is more to an education than just academia it has been proven that many highly intelligent children do not do well in an environment without like peers. Is the local PS going to provide that, really?

 

My DH and I lost our best friends when we began homeschooling, some people just find it threatening to their choices. :grouphug:

[Scarlett]

:iagree:

 

I just re-read her email to you and I am struck again by her arrogance. Did she really say that you don't understand your own child? She sounds delusional. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

 

I know....this is the part that got me too...

[cara]

That's the part that floored me too. If anyone understands my child it's me. Am I a perfect parent? NO..

 

I yell, I scream and some days are just well UGLY. It's life. Add a active toddler and an child who has ADHD and was just diagnosed two months ago in there and well you can see how our year went. We didn't get much done, but we got enough done and he's still a grade or two ahead so in the scheme of things, I'm not worried.

 

My heart breaks for the friendship that was, we have clearly outgrown each other.

[Momof1plustwins]

I would not respond and give her the satisfaction of being right about your having to have the last word. Try not to lose sleep over it. You'll only hurt yourself by letting it fester inside of you. I had an issue with a best friend recently and eventually, she approached me and told me she missed me. I never imagined I would ever speak to her again. She had done something pretty terrible and I had a difficult time forgiving her. But the friendship is now on the mend. I can't change the past, but I can move forward with forgiveness.

[kwickimom]

They are perfect... as much as I tried to ignore it, I couldn't so I blogged :blush:

 

Didn't name any names or even put what spurred my rant / vent. Just ranted and vented and got it all out and now I feel better.

 

Will she read it? Who knows, and honestly I don't care. I'm done with the friendship for now. I can't be friends with someone I feel is toxic.

 

Why is it that the last 3 times I've stood up for myself, it's been turned into me being the bad guy? Is this what happens when nice people grow a backbone?

 

 

YES it is, at least the same thing happened to me. I am using a mat for people to walk on, and people take advantage of me. I am just really relaxed and laid back and I let things slide off my back. Well, usually too much stuff. but I finally stood up to a friend who was using me as a free babysitter for an entire summer and things went BAD. She yelled at me and called me horrible names, made me feel like total crap, and I didn't do a single thing wrong. Then I had another friend who kept doing things to upset my DD and I stood up to her and it was a mess. I hate standing up and saying things, it has to be REAL bad before I do and it always turns out horribly. But these people weren't real friends then if they would do those things and take advantage of me. It was what had to be done.

 

I have to seriously toughen up before I tell more people about my HS decision.