katemary63 Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 We have 4 kids, 3 girls and 1 boy. We have always thought that when the kids got married, we'd give them a certain amount of money - something within reason - for thier wedding. They could spend it on the wedding how ever they chose, or spend some and keep what ever they saved as a wedding gift. We thought this would encourage the kids to be wise about wedding costs and also keep us out of the planning except where we were asked our opinion. Our idea was to let them do what ever they wanted with the money - pay for the wedding expenses of thier choice or save some for a down payment on a house or something. The money I'm talking about here would not be a lot. We are not wealthy. We never did talk about an amount, but I'm thinking $5000 - $10,000 or so. This money would have to come out of what we've saved for retirement. It would be a sacrifice, not like we had it lying around extra, But it was always our intent to do what we could to give them a little bit of a start, how ever small it may be. (These are/ will be hard working college grads. It's not like we'd give money to a kid we didn't think wise enough to use it well or who didn't sort of "earn" it by working hard and respecting us for the years leading up to thier coop flying. ) So, here I am with my son newly engaged and getting married a year from now. I never dreamed in a million years he would marry a wealthy girl. Right now, he is a starving, literally broke college student. He doesn't even own a car and buys his clothes at walmart on sale! The day he marries his fiance, he will have more money then my Dh and I will ever have - EVER! (Trust fund.) Her father is paying for the wedding AND giving them $30,000 for a dream honeymoon!!!!!! They will be buying a house (Paid in full with cash) just before the wedding. Some day, they will inherit millions. Of course, I am very happy for them both. They have been together three years and truly love each other and they will not have to struggle as many young couples ( including Dh and I) have to do. But now, giving the money seems a bit rediculous, doesn't it? What would you do? Do we give the girls money but not our son? What is "fair" in this situation? If we don't give money, what kind of wedding gift could we give them? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 Well, could you maybe pay for the rehearsal dinner instead? My parents bought our mattress set (yeah, don't ask--it was actually perfect b/c my dh would never have spent $ on a good mattress, and it lasted 20 years). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 Well, if you were going to spend the money before.....then just buy an extra nice gift. If I were getting married, the really nice set of knifes from Cutco would be great... "they last a lifetime"! Which would be a nice wish for your son and to be daughter in law:) I think you give to those who need... as you can. I wouldn't take $$$ out of retirement, for children that would be having a ton of money. Perhaps you could purchase a money series like Dave... for after they're married. Sometime people who have money... and come into money... can use help with that... Maybe something about newly weds.... and how they can start wisely...??? :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StartingOver Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 I would personally still do as I had always intended. I am sure your son will know the value of the gift. Remember it is your children who may take care of you one day ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 Could you put that money toward their appliances for their new home? Have you asked ds if he would like the money or something else? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emeraldjoy Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 My first thought is love. I mean....that what the couple needs most is love and support and if that is what your gift would "indicate" to them...then by all means give it proudly...doesn't matter the amount. On the contrary, if that is not their "language" of love then hold off or maybe donate it in their name to a charity or something like that. Also, I could see a thing being more personal than a monetary gift...maybe use some of the gift moeny to buy them something that they would have forever and forever..an heirloom or something. I am not being very articulate here and hope that I conveyed my thought decently. wow...what a story too...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 What would you do? Do we give the girls money but not our son? What is "fair" in this situation? Recently my parents did something to help out my brother financially. Before they did it, they talked to my other brother and to me about it, concerned that we would be hurt, that it was unfair that they were helping him but not giving us an equal amount. My brother needed their help. I did not. I'm nowhere near rich but my dh makes more money than my parents do. They do tons of things to help me, both practically and emotionally. I just didn't need their help in that particular way. I think it's fair to change your mind and offer them something else as a wedding gift. If this is money that's coming out of your retirement, while he'll be inheriting millions, I really can't imagine that he would be hurt by you not doing this! You can help and love all your children equally without giving them identical gifts. Give gifts to suit the particular needs of the recipient. The gifts might be different, but that way the amount of meaning they have to the recipients will be comparable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orangearrow Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 (edited) Oh - wow. Well, *I* would probably talk to him honestly about it. I would think, seeing as he's going to be "set" he would prefer you keep the money to use for your own needs, or to put back for his sisters one day. But, on the other hand, I would imagine there MIGHT be a chance that he might be feeling some insecurities he hasn't really let you know about - coming into the marriage comparatively (monetarily, only, of course) empty-handed. Having a few thousand to bring to the table might mean a lot to him. So, yeah. I guess I would talk it through with him and get his feelings on the matter. This isn't nearly the same - but my Grandmother put $$ into a savings account for all of my cousins - except for myself. I was an only child and my parents were "comparatively" wealthy (well, they and another brother - but those cousins still got money when they graduated high school). I didn't know about this until a few years ago and it really, really, really hurt and insulted me and has affected my feelings for my grandmother and my memories of my grandfather. They gave me $200 (which I really, really appreciated at the time! *I* was paying for my OWN college classes, so I needed the cash!!). To learn that my other cousins received thousands of dollars was really a kick in the gut. (I was also the one who worked her booty off in school and graduated with honors. No one else pulled that off...) So. Yeah. Talk to him about it, either way. I wish my grandmother would have. It would have made a world of difference to have had a choice in the matter. All is not as it seems on the surface, sometimes. Edited May 25, 2010 by orangearrow Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
specialmama Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 I'm reminded of the story in Scripture of the widow who gave a coin, and it was said that she gave more than those who gave plenty. She gave sacrificially and with joy. When we were married, my in-laws gave us 10 grande. They could afford it. My family gave me other things: the flowers, the dress, a sentimental gift of a coin collection that belonged to my father who passed away. In comparison my family gave less, but they gave sacrificially and truthfully, I appreciated that more. It is not the amount that they give, but the fact that they gave out of love. With all that said, I'd encourage you to pray about it. The amount you feel led to give will be the right amount. I'm sure your son and daughter-in-law will appreciate any gift given in love. :grouphug: Try not to compare gifts, but rather do as you feel led. It will be right. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 Orangearrow makes a good point. Talk to him about it *first*. My parents did that with my brother and I in the situation I mentioned, and I did really appreciate their thoughtfulness in that. It meant a lot that they were concerned enough about fairness to seek my opinion. And orange arrow, I am sorry you were hurt in that way. That stinks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeidiKC Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 I don't think I'd give them the cash because 1) I'm sure they would rather you keep it anyway, knowing that it will be a bit of a hardship for you and honestly not something they need at all, and 2) even though it would mean a lot to them to know you're sacrificing, it won't mean as much to them as it might mean to a couple (one of your daughters, maybe) who is starting out with no money and finally 3) I wonder if they might feel rather uncomfortable and really guilty about this monetary gift they don't even slightly need. Change in the bucket! I don't mean to belittle your gift - I think it is extremely generous of you to have planned to do this for each of your kids. My parents did something similar and I so appreciated having control over our wedding, and a couple of my siblings had very small/simple weddings so they'd have leftover money. I would think the DIL in particular might feel really guilty and uncomfortable about this - awkward, too. I would try to think of a really special and unique gift that would mean a lot to them. Of course I'm not coming up with any ideas, but I'd try to think of something that isn't practical that they'd buy anyway. I wouldn't worry about spending that same amount of money, either. I think a $1000 wedding gift would be EXTREMELY GENEROUS. Wish I had some suggestions on what! My in-laws gave us a plaque for an outside wall that says "House of <surname> established <wedding date>". I'm not that crazy about it, but my husband loves it and I do think something along those lines - honoring the new couple, maybe their name, might be nice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 I'd put it away for a rainy day. Even people who marry into money have rainy days, sometimes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 If your plan is to give them $$, and you've given the other children $$, then I see no reason to deviate from the plan. You didn't tell them you'd give them money only if they married a poor person. I'd not let his fiancee's family's wealth bear any weight on your gift to them. It's simply your wedding gift to them. You're not in competition with the inlaws, so I'd give what I had already planned to give and not give it another thought. ($30K for a HONEYMOON?? :svengo: ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonshine Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 I would pray and if still led, talk to your son about it. Even if it's not on the same scale he might like to be able to provide his wife with something, instead of only depending on her family. I had a friend whose car broke down in her first year of marriage. She called her father and he brought her a new (not sure if totally new or new used) truck. That really hurt her husband's feelings - she didn't even call him - daddy came in and took care of it all. The husband didn't even know there was a problem with the car until it was all said and done. Your son might like to be in a position to provide something for his bride himself. However, he might not feel like that and tell you to keep the money for his sisters. Another angle is that it is traditional to pay for a daughter's wedding and not a son's, so that might be a way to look at it, unless you have talked with the kids about this gift to each of them already. Then it might cause hurt feelings to take it back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 I would think of it like any other gift. If I was planning to give someone a blender would I go ahead with the blender if I found out they already had several blenders? I would come up with another gift. Perhaps you can think of a personal gift or an ongoing gift. One of my favorite wedding gifts was a vase and a year of flowers! Every month (month anniversary) we received a beautiful bouquet with a lovely note. It was such a lovely, ongoing statement of love and support. Do places like Shutterfly have gift cards or something so that they can have their honeymoon photos made into a book? Can you set up any surprises for their trip? FWIW DH and I have not had the same needs as our sibs. It doesn't bother us at all that our sibs have received gifts of money that we have not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 I'd put it away for a rainy day. Even people who marry into money have rainy days, sometimes. :iagree: My inlaws are millionaires but our life has been drizzling for most of our 8 years. However dh finally got a permanent, full time job today, so maybe the weather is changing :) Having a trust fund isn't the same as having that money in a regular bank account. Owning money is very nice, but it's not a lot of use if it's not available right this second when you need it. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 However dh finally got a permanent, full time job today, so maybe the weather is changing :) Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jld Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 Another minority opinion . . . but I would probably just keep the money, and explain to my son why I was doing it. My kids would understand that, as we have talked about how some people have greater needs than others, and some truly have no needs at all. I think some kind of heartfelt gift, like a handwritten letter from your husband and yourself, would probably be a lovely gift to give your son and daughter-in-law. To be honest, I think my kids would be embarrassed to accept money (and it's doubtful they would accept it) under those circumstances. I am almost sure they would insist we keep the money, either for our retirement, or for their less fortunate siblings. I know this opinion is likely not popular. Once again, it's just an opinion.:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 (edited) This isn't nearly the same - but my Grandmother put $$ into a savings account for all of my cousins - except for myself. I was an only child and my parents were "comparatively" wealthy (well, they and another brother - but those cousins still got money when they graduated high school). I didn't know about this until a few years ago and it really, really, really hurt and insulted me and has affected my feelings for my grandmother and my memories of my grandfather. They gave me $200 (which I really, really appreciated at the time! *I* was paying for my OWN college classes, so I needed the cash!!). To learn that my other cousins received thousands of dollars was really a kick in the gut. (I was also the one who worked her booty off in school and graduated with honors. No one else pulled that off...). When grown kids/grandkids are treated unevenly (despite whatever the intentions) it often has a way of coming back to bite you down the road. Some grown children handle it in stride, but I've also seen it cause huge problems. If the trust does actually become available to them upon their marriage, I'm thinking I might designate a smaller amount to be considered as a gift and plan to give that amount to all children--including your son and his wife--as a wedding gift. For the girls I'd give the same amount as a wedding gift, plus a seperate amount to use towards wedding costs. It's very justifiable as in all circumstances the parents will be contributing to the wedding costs of their daughters. Edited May 25, 2010 by Pippen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shawna in Texas Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 We have 4 kids, 3 girls and 1 boy. We have always thought that when the kids got married, we'd give them a certain amount of money - something within reason - for thier wedding. They could spend it on the wedding how ever they chose, or spend some and keep what ever they saved as a wedding gift. We thought this would encourage the kids to be wise about wedding costs and also keep us out of the planning except where we were asked our opinion. Our idea was to let them do what ever they wanted with the money - pay for the wedding expenses of thier choice or save some for a down payment on a house or something. The money I'm talking about here would not be a lot. We are not wealthy. We never did talk about an amount, but I'm thinking $5000 - $10,000 or so. This money would have to come out of what we've saved for retirement. It would be a sacrifice, not like we had it lying around extra, But it was always our intent to do what we could to give them a little bit of a start, how ever small it may be. (These are/ will be hard working college grads. It's not like we'd give money to a kid we didn't think wise enough to use it well or who didn't sort of "earn" it by working hard and respecting us for the years leading up to thier coop flying. ) So, here I am with my son newly engaged and getting married a year from now. I never dreamed in a million years he would marry a wealthy girl. Right now, he is a starving, literally broke college student. He doesn't even own a car and buys his clothes at walmart on sale! The day he marries his fiance, he will have more money then my Dh and I will ever have - EVER! (Trust fund.) Her father is paying for the wedding AND giving them $30,000 for a dream honeymoon!!!!!! They will be buying a house (Paid in full with cash) just before the wedding. Some day, they will inherit millions. Of course, I am very happy for them both. They have been together three years and truly love each other and they will not have to struggle as many young couples ( including Dh and I) have to do. But now, giving the money seems a bit rediculous, doesn't it? What would you do? Do we give the girls money but not our son? What is "fair" in this situation? If we don't give money, what kind of wedding gift could we give them? My first hunch is that it seems ridiculous to give the money, but then he may really appreciate the gesture. I've got two things that come to mind: Rings. Is there an engagement ring or are the wedding bands picked out? What about cash to spend on the honeymoon? He may really feel good going into the marriage with a good amount of money in his account. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caribbean Queen Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 Another minority opinion . . . but I would probably just keep the money, and explain to my son why I was doing it. My kids would understand that, as we have talked about how some people have greater needs than others, and some truly have no needs at all. I think some kind of heartfelt gift, like a handwritten letter from your husband and yourself, would probably be a lovely gift to give your son and daughter-in-law. To be honest, I think my kids would be embarrassed to accept money (and it's doubtful they would accept it) under those circumstances. I am almost sure they would insist we keep the money, either for our retirement, or for their less fortunate siblings. I know this opinion is likely not popular. Once again, it's just an opinion.:) :iagree: I'd give them a gift like sheets or a set of pots. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 There's no wrong answer, but *please* talk to him about it before hand! I've always been... "handled" differently than my sisters and step-siblings in all sorts of support situations, financial or otherwise. I spent years telling myself it was because I was emotionally stronger and/or financially more solvent, only to discover otherwise down the road, and it hurts. Any hints toward the subject after the fact are awkward and just add to the hurt. It's never about the gesture itself (imo), but the meaning behind it. A set of towels, a hefty check, or just a physical presence to show support... If he understands what you're doing, that's what truly matters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ciyates Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 I love the suggestions of talking to him and keeping the money for a rainy day. He would know that no matter what he had it to fall back on if he needed it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kmacnchs Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 What would you do? Do we give the girls money but not our son? What is "fair" in this situation? If we don't give money, what kind of wedding gift could we give them? Does he know this was/is your intention? Why don't you ask him? He may say, "no, we don't need it, you keep it" (out of love) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FO4UR Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 I'd put it away for a rainy day. Even people who marry into money have rainy days, sometimes. :iagree: I'd use some of it to give a sentimental sort of gift... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KJB Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 I would absolutely keep to my original plan and give him the money. Married couples typically go through a few years of "this is yours and that's mine" before everything becomes "ours". He may feel uncomfortable spending her money, and he might like to have a little economic power of his own to treat her without feeling like he's spending her money. I would guess it would take awhile, maybe a long while, before he looks at her money as his own. Men usually want to be able to take care of their wives financially no matter how wealthy the wife. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mirth Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 (edited) First of all, congratulations! I would give him the gift. I would give the same amount. The house, if purchased before marriage, might not be deeded the way you think it will be. Her trust fund is hers and unless you are the trustee, you have no idea how it is structured either. He may be asked to sign a pre-nuptial agreement. If he even needs the money now for lawyer's fees, that would be fine with me. Edited May 25, 2010 by mirth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 I'd still do it, maybe just the lower amount. Fair is fair. After all, stay on his good side ;) as maybe you can live with him in your retirement! No, really - treat each kid the same. You never know what the future may hold. If he does not need the money for his wedding, he can put it in a small fund for whatever need may arise in his future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 Agreeing with what others have said -- Do what you originally intended, within your means. The value of your gift won't be lost on your son and new dil. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 I would take him shopping and buy him some nice clothes now with the money. He will soon be interviewing and attending engagement parties. However, I would not give him a lump sum of money as a gift. I would give them something sentimental or a keepsake item. A quilt made out of his old t-shirt, a scrapbook of thier engagement parties, the wedding invitation framed.. Think outside of the box. On a side note, a friend of mine married into big money and her parents spent a ton on clothing for all the parties that were given in this couples honor. You will have more expenses associated with this wedding than you think. Talk to your son about it. I am betting that he will want you all to enjoy the experience and to not be stressed out about having to continually spend money for every little party and wedding event. (My friend had 6 showers and 3 other parties - my husband and I were both in the wedding - I spent more on her wedding than I did on my sister's) Just another thought Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grace'smom Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 I'd definitely talk with him about it. My parents give my sister a great deal of financial type gifts but I do not mind. IMHO, they should be putting as much money away as possible and I would rather them save than give to me. The greatest gift they could give me is to have enough to avoid suffering through financial problems when they are elderly. Oh the other hand, I have a friend whose parents give her sister more financial aid and she is quite bitter about it. So it would be good to see what type of opinions your son might hold on the subject. He may feel uncomfortable receiving money from you that might require a sacrifice on your part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 I've only read a few of the responses, but my gut reaction would be to talk to your son and tell him what you had originally planned. Ask him if he would still like the money, considering his new circumstances, or if he would like another gift instead. For me, personally, I would want to make sure that all my kids were given "equal" gifts. I don't mean that the exact $ amount is the same, but that the same intention and heart was put into each gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted May 25, 2010 Author Share Posted May 25, 2010 After all, stay on his good side ;) as maybe you can live with him in your retirement! :lol::lol: A thought to keep in mind! Haha! Even their starter home will be more then I ever dreamed of owning. Or maybe they will take me on a dream vaccation some day!? :D I have really benefited from reading all these thoughts! I don't know exactly what we'll do but your input has really helped! The kids DO know our plan to give money at the wedding although we have never suggested an amount, but I assume they think it would be enough to help pay for a wedding so..? I agree we should talk to DS about it first. I was touched at the suggestion to keep in mind his feelings about having his OWN money when they get married and the fact that he might feel bad about bringing nothing monetary to the marriage. (Literally nothing! They are even getting married BEFORE he graduates college.) Honestly, I never considered that but I'm glad to have it in mind now. I love the idea of an hierloom gift instead of at least part of the money, since money certainly isn't something that will leave a lasting memory in their case. (Such as, mom and dad helped us buy our first home.) I've got a year to find one that will represent our support for thier marriage and our love for them for years to come! It is probably true that we may end up spending more on this wedding then we realize. I don't know if they expect us to pay for the rehersal dinner or not, but they do know we could never afford the kind her parents would want so I'm not sure how that will play out. I do realize we are not in competition with her parents. We know them well and all get along great. They are very down to earth. We'll see. I KNOW!!! $30,000 for the honeymoon is amazing! The kids are trying to be reasonable and found a hotel for $99/ night. Her dad said that wasn't nice enough and had them choose something more expensive! They were going to stay a week. He told them to stay at least 10 days. And on it goes. He just adores his daughter (his only one) and wants her to have the time of her life. Since he's got the money, I guess why not, huh? BTW: She is not at all "entitled." She is a lovely, respectful, hard working girl who adores her parents and appreciates everything they do for her. She answers them with, "Yes, Sir." and "Yes, Ma'am." She is just a doll! Oh, thank you, everyone, for the heartfelt, wise and thoughtful replies! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bookfiend Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 I'm late to the party here, but I really LOVED the suggestion of the poster who recommended rings. I'm guessing that getting engaged with zero $$$ meant no engagement ring (unless there was a family ring). If you gave him the money now to purchase a gorgeous ring, you would be enabling him to show his love and comittment to his wife in a way that he can't accomplish on his own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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