I'm putting my kids in daycare a few hours a week. Is that so wrong?

[melissel]

It feels wrong. But I don't think I have any choice. I'm losing it, and I'm mean and foul all day, every day. I'm feeling squashed into the ground, but I can't accept enrolling them in the PS system (well, the big kid, anyway), and the only possible alternative school here is $750 a month, and is a very intense, long day, even for K. (For example, their Kindergarten "enrichment" program, designed to fill the second half of the day for half-day K kids, goes from 1:00 to 6:00.) Oh, and I work almost full-time, from home.

 

So I decided the best thing for all of us is for them to go to a program of some kind for about 10 hours a week. Between, my mom on Mondays (about five hours) and another 10 hours of childcare, I think I can make it work.

 

Has anyone else done anything like this? Do you have any suggestions on finding a program/in-home provider? Part of the problem is that now that my older DD is K age, the options are limited for her.

 

I would love any suggestions or advice.

 

TIA!

[Michelle T]

You're working full time from home, you are burnt out and need help. Nothing wrong in using daycare a few hours a week.

 

When I first started homeschooling, I was working part time outside the house, and I found a daycare place for DS to go three afternoons per week. He had a great time, I got my work done, and it was a good experience for all. I'm not working now, so no longer need such an arrangement, but I wouldn't think twice if it was what I needed to do.

Michelle T

[melissel]

Thanks :o I think my head knows it's not wrong, but in my heart, I want terribly to quit my job and just be home. However, with my DH's salary and his employment history, I just can't take the chance on quitting. My job has been the stable one for 12 years.

[Sunshine State Sue]

and I'd still use it today if it was available.

 

I work part-time from home. When we started hs'ing, dh was in school, so he was my childcare provider. When he graduated and got a ft job, I needed childcare. I used a local rec center. 200 kids in 8 groups of 25. Not ideal, but it worked. Ds (an extroverted only child in a nearly childless neighborhood) had a consistent group of kids to play with. I had time to work and run an errand without him. This year is junior high and the program changes. Much less supervision. Too many pre-teens with too little to do. Not a good environment. So, no more. Sigh!

 

I encourage you to find the help you need. I completely understand about the mean mommy. I CANNOT do it all alone. Home day care providers take in after school children.

 

Sue

[Mekanamom]

... and my FIL lives with us, so I had built in babysitting. Thank goodness I was able to quit. Then I did some part time work for our home business. Eventually was able to give that up as well.

 

You've got a lot on your plate. Do what you need to do to make it work best for your family; that's not wrong, that's smart.

 

I don't know what daycare options you have... when I was a teen, I was hired to babysit three kids while their mom worked from home. Can you find someone to come occupy your kids while you get work done? That way at least you don't have to get them ready and drive them elsewhere... takes a bit more time out of your day to do that.

 

Hee hee, thinking back, as a teen I was paid extra on the days I got the dishes done too... maybe see if you can find a teen who needs some extra money to come help you at home!

 

But if an outside program works better for you, go for it! If you've got great programs in your area, the kids will probably love it.

[Sunshine State Sue]

when I was a teen, I was hired to babysit three kids while their mom worked from home.

I used a teen babysitter one afternoon a week before I went to the rec center option. Dh did and still does provide childcare on Tuesdays.

[Elisabeth in IL]

I'm looking at sending my soon-to-be 3 year old to preschool next year so that I can get schooling done, uninterupted, with my other 2. Do whatever you need to do to help you accomplish your goals.

[Annie G]

You're doing what you need to do and it'll be fine. You'll be a better, more happy mom because you are going to stop feeling pulled in so many directions at once.

I worked full time until 1989, and our two oldest were in daycare while I worked. I felt so guilty but I had to work. Now they are adults and they have both told me they were fine in daycare.

Your kids will probably love it, especially since it's not a fulltime thing.

[Pamela H in Texas]

what about a homeschool family? Lots do childcare.

maybe one that has a preteen daughter that would love the primary responsibility (with mom there as backup)? though to be honest, it'd be my ds excited about the little one....

 

Can you contact the local homeschoolers and find out? Start putting feelers out? Try Craigslist?

 

Just a thought :)

[Legomom]

I send my two 7 year olds to an afterschool program at a Christian school/daycare two days per week. They are in with the school age group. In the summer they have day camp so I send them for a few weeks. It has been great because they love it and have a consistent group of kids to play with. I also work at home so it gives me a chance to concentrate on my work. I felt guilty at first, but it has actually worked out better than I could have hoped, so now I don't worry about it at all.

[JFSinIL]

'Cause if Mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy! (pardon my grammar etc.)

 

If it works for you - and gives your kids some time out frolicking with other kids - do it. Having a teen helper would still keep the noise etc. at home. You need the break. :)

[Sue G in PA]

what is best for YOU and your dc! It's not wrong. If I had the option, I'd seriously consider it..esp now that the new baby is coming. I hope it works out to be exactly what you need to get back onto and even keel. You have a lot on your plate and we cannot be expected to do it all.

[JennifersLost]

if I still had youngsters.

 

It gets so much easier when they're older. I think it's worth doing whatever it takes when they are young to get there.

 

I'd look into home daycares, especially one with a preschool program where the provider liked the idea of "teaching". Some daycare providers are actually very frustrated teacher wanna-be's, and would love to have a child in their care that appreciated the art projects and other ideas they come up with.

[jellybean]

I'm putting my kids in daycare a few hours a week. Is that so wrong?

 

If you'r asking for opinions....then...YES! nuf said.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I'm putting my kids in daycare a few hours a week. Is that so wrong?

 

If you'r asking for opinions....then...YES! nuf said.

 

Why? (Not confrontationally meant, just that I don't think you said enough. :D)

 

I wonder if some of us have different pictures in mind when we think of daycare. I think of the military daycares that gave respite mother's morning out to young enlisted families that literally kept me from going off the deep end into a big, black hole -- I am not lying -- when my very needy dd was little. And the beloved preschool programs and mother's morning out arrangements through churches and community centers when they were a bit older.

 

But I imagine some people think of bratty, snotty kids minded sorta indifferently by snarling, impatient adults who empty a box of toys into the middle of the room and let the kids go at it, tooth and claw. Or that awful, AWFUL Children's World "preschool" in Columbia, SC with the world's most foul mouthed director and that incredibly freakazoid "Montessori" weird thing they were trying to say they did back in the early nineties. *shudder*

 

Anyway, we ADORED daycare/preschool/mother's morning out. Been there, done that, lived happily to tell the tale. But I don't think they're even remotely all created equal.

[Joanne]

Hm.

 

A well chosen situation which allows you to work and self care and nurtures them/matches their needs can be a great choice for furthering family quality.

 

But there are a lot of caveats above.

 

Please hear a tender, understanding tone in what I am about to share. That's how I'm typing, k?

 

I used to own and run a daycare. A daycare setting changes kids. They learn more 3, 4, 5 year old behavior. They are nearly always under supervised in terms of coaching, guiding and teaching.

 

It still may be a solution for you if you:

 

1) Use the time well in ways that truly nurture, nourish, recreate you

2) Use the time to be productive with the things that weigh most heavily on your mind

3) Choose the setting well

4) Watch to make sure the "problem" is you need kid-free time and not:

a. depression

b. lack of adult centered time

c. marital problems

d. addiction issues (food, computer, spending, substance)

5) Have at home the elements that make a good daycare a good one:

a. predictable routine so kids can grow in confidence and competence

b. scheduled play of role playing, sensory, movement, literature-rich

c. consistent, non punitive but firm discipline

d. good, quality food and snacks

e. minimum screen time

 

If you haven't already chosen a daycare setting, let me know if you want feedback on that choice.

[StaceyinLA]

but I do think I'd seek out the option for a teen helper at home for a couple of reasons.

 

1) It'll keep you from getting out, as mentioned above

 

2) You might be able to get more out of it if she is willing to do some light housework or start a prepared casserole in the oven, etc.

 

3) Your kids will still have someone's full attention and not be exposed to the illnesses, etc. in a daycare environment (which could cause you more problems if they start catching every virus known to man from the kids brought in sick).

 

4) Home schooled teen girls are always looking for income! I know any one of mine would love to do it.

 

Just my 2 cents. HTH. If you choose the other option though, feel no guilt. You have to do what you have to do!

[melissel]

I'm putting my kids in daycare a few hours a week. Is that so wrong?

 

If you'r asking for opinions....then...YES! nuf said.

 

Hm, yes, I'd be interested in hearing more about this.

 

My main reasons for wanting a group situation are as follows:

 

--My DD needs more socialization than I can provide/handle right now. She has VERY fond memories of her sweet, gentle, play-based preschool, and misses it very much. She wants playgroups and playdates and classes and friends out the wazoo, and I--as a working mom and the introvert's introvert--just can't manage this for her right now.

 

--I desperately need some quiet time in the house--whether to clean it, or just to sit quietly, alone on the couch and work, or read, or simply sit and enjoy the peace. That's how I recharge, and I don't get that, ever. Even when DH is home for the day and says he'll watch the kids, he's on the phone, on the computer, trying to run errands, trying to fix things, etc. He has no ability whatsoever to keep them away from me so I can do my work. It's becoming a major bone of contention between us.

 

--In the past, we've had someone coming to our house. Outside of it being very unreliable (late arrivals, leaving early, days off, not showing up when she was supposed to), it was SO much more pressure on me in terms of what state the house was in, what there was to feed the kids (I know what's in my cabinets and where--a caretaker doesn't), if we ran out of toilet paper in the bathroom, etc. It was more pressure on me than it took off me, really.

 

So that's what I'm thinking. Actually, another HSing friend with a 5-year-old has offered to do it for me, but the girls have their hearts set on a center of some kind! DD5 is looking forward to the setting again, and DD2 wanted desperately to go to preschool with DD5 when she was there, and is convinced this is her chance :D That's why I was thinking this might be a good compromise for everyone (and maybe I won't have to maul my DH the next time he lets the toddler come into the office and bother me for 45 minutes while he chats on the phone :mad:).

 

Thanks for the input, everyone. I'll keep looking for the right situation, but at the very least, I know my friend could and would do it for me (and could use the extra money too).

[Julie in CA]

The way you phrased the question shows a great defensiveness.

First of all, ten hours a week is *not* "a few hours a week." Personally, I don't necessarily see anything wrong with ten hours a week, but if one of my teens came home two hours late and then said they were "just a few minutes" late, I'd get my dander up, kwim? I think you need to accept the facts of what you're really asking, and not minimize it because you think it sounds more justifiable.

Secondly, you're a busy, smart, and caring mom, and I think you need to have more confidence that your decision is the correct one for your family! I know you came here for reassurance, but irl I want you to unflinchingly do what you think is right for your family. Let other folks wonder to themselves if you're doing the right thing, but if you're confident and self-assured enough, it's likely that less people will question what you've decided.

As to the daycare issue itself, I guess it all comes down to whether you're okay with the trade-offs. Your kids will probably catch more colds & have the flu more often. If there are any milestones (I'm sorry, I can't remember how old your dc are) there's a greater chance you might miss them. Your dc will probably learn some behaviors you wish they hadn't, and they'll probably learn some language you wouldn't have taught them. You will all get through all of these things, you just have to know that there's a trade-off involved in getting the time off.

I'm sure whatever decision you make will be the right one for your family :)

Wishing you all the best,

Julie

[Colleen]

I am not going to tell you what I think is right or wrong for your family because I simply don't know. I do know that when someone states what she's doing and asks defensively, "Is that so wrong?", there is really no way for listeners to answer in the affirmative. That is, if I hypothetically think it's wrong ~ and again, I am not saying that's my view ~ I'm walking into a trap by answering to that effect. Why? Because you've already explained why you think you need to do this. You clearly want people to support you in that decision, which is fine. But I don't think you want to hear varied feedback. I will only say that if something truly "feels wrong" to me, I hold off until I can go forward with positive conviction.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I will only say that if something truly "feels wrong" to me, I hold off until I can go forward with positive conviction.

 

Wise post. Whatever you do, don't do it with guilt in your heart or hesitation in your mind.

[Karenciavo]

--My DD needs more socialization than I can provide/handle right now. She has VERY fond memories of her sweet, gentle, play-based preschool, and misses it very much.

 

You may already realize this, but day care and preschool are apples and oranges. This may differ up by you, but when I was working and my older two were young I toured many day care centers, great and small, they were all a bit overcrowded for my tastes and not as teacher directed as preschool, not by a long shot. And on days when public school wasn't in session, it was a mad house.

 

Karen

[melissel]

Well, I had a long post written out, but realized it was way more than anyone really needs to know. Please understand that despite the way it came across, I wasn't defensive to anyone but myself, because I am the conflicted one, and I was looking for a dialogue that could help me gather my thoughts on the subject. My main problem is that I've held off on committing to childcare for five years now, waiting for the miracle of a better job for my DH and/or positive conviction. Instead I've driven myself into the ground in my inability to commit.

 

Regarding a teen helper, I can see everyone's points. However, my experience with our HSed teen helper was horrendous, and my older DD still cries about never getting to see Colleen again. (Little does she know, of course, what the girl put us through, and what she really thought about my DDs :() She ultimately left us completely in the lurch, and told many lies. It's kind of put me off trying it again.

 

I actually am happy to hear well-reasoned opinions to the contrary, or else I wouldn't have posted. I have tons of support for the decision IRL, but I wanted general feedback from other HSers, since it's a unique situation.

 

I don't want to stop homeschooling. I believe it's best for my girls. I also don't want to end up on antidepressants and mood stabilizers because I'm homeschooling. That doesn't make much sense. Neither does quitting my job, since we like to eat and all. I'm trying to find a middle ground.

[Karen sn]

I had just divorced and moved to Alaska (from Florida). Got a part time job and found a woman who cared for kids in her home.

My dd STILL TO THIS DAY talkes about Kim Duggar and her wonderful experience with her (dd is now 10!).

 

I would rather have a little less time with my kids (when I am an evil beast) and get to really miss them - and then spend quality time together than spend all my time with them resenting it!

 

You will all be fine.

[akellow]

I understand you have so much going on with working from home, taking care of the house and kids, plus homeschooling. Our family went to a conference this weekend and one of the suggestions was to make sure you have time to read God's Word everyday. Even if it is only one chapter or a few verses. You should try and see if things get easier. There were lots of ideas on time management. You can go to www. titus2.com and check out their ideas.

[Jumping In Puddles]

Is there a reason that you won't afterschool them instead of homeschool? My dd started public kindergarten last week and she LOVES it and I like what I'm seeing coming home in her backpack. It is only from 9:15-12:15 and she is getting a lot out of it (so far!), she is making friends, and I just had to get over that fact that PS is not always the worst choice.

 

What is the difference between schooling her, then sending her daycare and sending her to school, then after schooling her?

 

She is with you half the time, schooling, in either scenario.

 

Plus it is free, maybe you can save the daycare money to quit your job a little sooner?

[Elisabeth in IL]

This discussion is two years old........

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I'm looking at sending my soon-to-be 3 year old to preschool next year so that I can get schooling done, uninterupted, with my other 2. Do whatever you need to do to help you accomplish your goals.

 

 

This would be my suggestion as well. I had my then-3yo in preschool two mornings a week all last year. And, she's in 3 mornings a week this year. It works out really well for all of us. She gets to go play with her friends, paint and do other messy crafts at school. We get a couple uninterrupted hours on those mornings. We use a little Christian private school. It was $130/mo for preschool (2 mornings/week), and it's $172 for Pre-K (3 mornings/week)

 

Next year, I plan on putting her in a morning program for 4-5 year olds at the community center. It will be four mornings a week of crafts and music and other fun stuff. I'll bring her home in the afternoon to do her kindergarten lessons. Again, I'll have uninterrupted school time with the older dc. This program will only be $36/month (4 mornings/week).

 

Look around. There may be less expensive options than the one you've looked at. Is there a community center in your area that has morning or after-school programs you could utilize?

[Heather in WI]

This thread is from 2008.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

This thread is from 2008.

 

 

Ugh! Thanks for noticing! I wonder what she ended up doing? :)

[melissel]

Ugh! Thanks for noticing! I wonder what she ended up doing? :)

 

She ended up having her mom come more hours each week and, for the last few months, having her girls go to a friend's house for about 8 hours a week too. Her youngest is also in preschool (which worked out really well), and with some luck (or God willing, whichever you prefer), she'll be giving a month's notice at her job on Friday :tongue_smilie:

 

Yeah, we tried two teen babysitters/mother's helpers, and they were both total failures :( It's been extremely hard having my mom so involved in our lives, but I'm grateful that she could be the one to help take care of the girls, and she and my dad and the girls are so close--it's really wonderful. I'm completely and totally burnt out on working and ready to do just about anything to let it go. Thankfully, we've reached a place where we're able to, just barely.

 

What a kick to see this old thread pop up! I still wish I could have been more present with them over the last two years, but it is what it is. I'm just so ready to be home with them now. Thanks to everyone who shared their insight, then and now!

[teamturner]

She ended up having her mom come more hours each week and, for the last few months, having her girls go to a friend's house for about 8 hours a week too. Her youngest is also in preschool (which worked out really well), and with some luck (or God willing, whichever you prefer), she'll be giving a month's notice at her job on Friday :tongue_smilie:

 

Yeah, we tried two teen babysitters/mother's helpers, and they were both total failures :( It's been extremely hard having my mom so involved in our lives, but I'm grateful that she could be the one to help take care of the girls, and she and my dad and the girls are so close--it's really wonderful. I'm completely and totally burnt out on working and ready to do just about anything to let it go. Thankfully, we've reached a place where we're able to, just barely.

 

What a kick to see this old thread pop up! I still wish I could have been more present with them over the last two years, but it is what it is. I'm just so ready to be home with them now. Thanks to everyone who shared their insight, then and now!

 

I was reading this and thinking, "Wait! I thought she was quiting her job?" I'm so glad that will be a reality for you soon! I know you've been miserable with that job and wearing so many hats.

 

Many blessings to you and your family!

[Suzanne in ABQ]

She ended up having her mom come more hours each week and, for the last few months, having her girls go to a friend's house for about 8 hours a week too. Her youngest is also in preschool (which worked out really well), and with some luck (or God willing, whichever you prefer), she'll be giving a month's notice at her job on Friday :tongue_smilie:

 

Yeah, we tried two teen babysitters/mother's helpers, and they were both total failures :( It's been extremely hard having my mom so involved in our lives, but I'm grateful that she could be the one to help take care of the girls, and she and my dad and the girls are so close--it's really wonderful. I'm completely and totally burnt out on working and ready to do just about anything to let it go. Thankfully, we've reached a place where we're able to, just barely.

 

What a kick to see this old thread pop up! I still wish I could have been more present with them over the last two years, but it is what it is. I'm just so ready to be home with them now. Thanks to everyone who shared their insight, then and now!

 

 

Hi Melissa!

Thanks for the update. Yeah, moms are sometimes a mixed blessing, huh? My mom picks up my 4yo from Pre-K once a week, and keeps her for the afternoon. She takes her to McDonalds and lets her play for 2 hours! I would never do that, and dd loves all her friends there. There are even a few who come regularly, just to play with dd! Then, Nana takes her home and gives her a bath. Dh picks her up, all squeeky clean and smelling great! Meanwhile, older dc and I have a totally productive day. It's wonderful. And, like you said, dd is way closer to her Nana than the older two dc are. It's very special.

 

I'm glad things are working out for you to be home full time! That's wonderful! I hope things work out for a long time to come!

Suzanne

[LauraGB]

I was reading this and thinking, "Wait! I thought she was quiting her job?"

 

Me too! I was wondering if I missed the memo where the plan changed - I was almost ready to search back through Melissa's posts to see when it happened and what was going on, lol!

[Corraleno]

I was reading this and thinking, "Wait! I thought she was quiting her job?" I'm so glad that will be a reality for you soon! I know you've been miserable with that job and wearing so many hats.

Me too! I thought oh no, something's happened and now she can't quit???

I'm so glad you'll finally be able to stay home. :grouphug:

 

Jackie

[StephanieZ]

Nope, not wrong. Hire/buy whatever help works for you!! What you should do will depend on exactly what options you find in your area. . .

 

I've known of more than one hs mom who put their toddlers in preschool so they could concentrate on their olders for a few hours several days a week. I didn't do that but it sure seems like a decent option to me.

 

I needed to work a good bit outside the home for a couple years, and so hired help for the kids and house. . . I found it easiest and most useful to hire a "house-keeper/mother's helper". Just placed an ad in the paper and had gobs of great applicants. Still have same housekeeper after 5 years. Her help is the best $$ I spend, really.

 

If you hire someone to come TO your home, you can LEAVE (yay!! Gyn appt w/o kids in tow?? Bra shopping w/o kids? Lunch w/ a friend? Wow.)

 

Also, you can still have the help if one is sick. . . And you aren't tied to the "school" schedule (school breaks, holidays, etc.) and can just hire for and pay for help when YOU want it. Also, your helper can CLEAN. Woohoo. I find that if someone else does the dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc and makes my house PRETTY a couple times a week, I can handle much more kid-stuff w/o my head exploding. It's when I am trying to do EVERYTHING all at once and the house is always a wreck that my patience wears thin.

 

Sth to think about. . .works great for me.

[Kari C in SC]

I would do it and have in a round about way. I used to work from home and in the office 2 mornings a week while I homeschooled. They stayed with my mom. I LOVED my two mornings in the office! It was so quiet and peaceful. I also had my kids in full day homeschool co-op. That gave me about 5 hours of alone time each week. I wish I had a co-op here, but I don't. You kids will be just fine.

[CalicoKat]

It feels wrong. But I don't think I have any choice. I'm losing it, and I'm mean and foul all day, every day. I'm feeling squashed into the ground, but I can't accept enrolling them in the PS system (well, the big kid, anyway), and the only possible alternative school here is $750 a month, and is a very intense, long day, even for K. (For example, their Kindergarten "enrichment" program, designed to fill the second half of the day for half-day K kids, goes from 1:00 to 6:00.) Oh, and I work almost full-time, from home.

 

So I decided the best thing for all of us is for them to go to a program of some kind for about 10 hours a week. Between, my mom on Mondays (about five hours) and another 10 hours of childcare, I think I can make it work.

 

Has anyone else done anything like this? Do you have any suggestions on finding a program/in-home provider? Part of the problem is that now that my older DD is K age, the options are limited for her.

 

I would love any suggestions or advice.

 

TIA!

not a daycare here but has the same affect -- homeschool co-op. There's a prek and K room and while I'm doing my job (which doesn't take all day) with the 1st graders I'm getting a break from the little people and they from me. I'm still around if they need me but I don't feel like I'm being their butler all day.

 

Downside -- I can't use this time for me-stuff. I do have time throughout the day when my job is done, but I have to be onsite with the littles.

 

Plus - there are tons of other homeschool mommies to chat with too. :D Everyone brings food, there's coffee in the teacher's lounge and generally I come back tired but renewed.

 

You have to do what you have to do to take care of yourself sometimes.