House Rules for 18-19yos; living at home, summertime vs college time?

[74Heaven]

I have a 17yo daughter turning 18yo soon. My husband are wondering how to navigate some "house rules" for the soon-to-be 18yo who will live at home this summer and possibly while attending college next fall.

 

Dtr has a car to use which she pays gas and insurance for. Currently her daily chores are about 30-60 minutes. (Three teens and we rotate the kitchen, dining room and laundry chores.)

 

I am interested in your own house rules for *young* adults, say 18-19 who are living full time at home: Responsibilities? Curfews? Chores? Attitudes? What else should I be anticipating?

 

And how do you handle "infractions"? Like coming in late repeatedly or skipping their day in the kitchen, etc.? Ideas?

 

Thanks!

Lisaj

[Heather in the Kootenays]

We're about to deal with this same issue so I'm not speaking from experience.

 

I anticipate that dd will be expected to continue doing the same chores she did before. She'll be working and ds will be going to school so I don't see any reason to differentiate between them in terms of number of chores. Everyone who lives in the house including dh and me are expected to be polite, let us know where they are and when they'll be back, not disturb the rest of the family with really late returns home. She won't be considered exempt from those expectation.

 

If she can't live with those expectations, I'll be suggesting she find a new place to live where she can pay her own way and make her own rules.

 

In short, house rules are pretty much the same for everyone - everyone helps and is considerate of others - and I can't see why that should change just because dd graduates from high school.

[Gretchen in NJ]

I don't have any teens yet, but I once was one.;) My parents were on the tough side. I did have responsibilities, curfews and chores. I had to check my attitude at the door.

 

My parents charged me rent while I was not in school, and I still had a curfew.:glare: I did pay for my own education.

[Rebecca VA]

Good question! I have a son who's attending college locally and living at home. We have provided a car for him and he does not pay rent. In return, we expect one chore per day from him (chores vary according to what needs to be done that day). He volunteers his time quite a bit (to church and to his old high school), works at his college's computer center, and does a low-paying film production internship, so he isn't at home a great deal. He doesn't stay out late, and his attitude is pretty good, so those aren't issues here.

[Melinda in VT]

I haven't done this as a parent yet, but I know when I returned home from my first year of college, one of the differences was that I expected to tell my parents where I would be and when I would be back but not necessarily ask for their permission.

 

I don't think I was a jerk about it. I didn't head out the door right before my mom finished preparing dinner for all of us, for example. But I expected the same level of autonomy I had with my college roommates.

 

I don't think my mom anticipated that (and I hadn't consciously realized it either), and it took a bit of the summer for us to work out what was causing the tension between us.

[AK_Mom4]

The difficulty we find with maintaining the chore rotation is that DS18 is often not home at the appropriate time due to work, classes, sports. This really was never an issue until this year.

 

I think it's quite appropriate to have them help around the house. But we have had to make adjustments so that the things he is helping with are not time-sensitive. For example, clearing the table/cleaning the kitchen after dinner didn't work when he wasn't there for dinner. But he is glad to haul the trash/wash out the cans when he gets home from sports practice.

[Lara in Colo]

When I was younger (14) my mother (who is not a good example of a parent) left town with my stepfather for the weekend. They did not tell me or my brother, they did not pack anything, they just left. We worried. We called every hospital and sheriffs dept for 5 counties. They finally called us later and told us where they were. The leasson I learned was to NEVER let the people that love you worry. When people live togther they take care of each other, they are the first line of defense should something be wrong. They are the ones to call the police first and start the search BEFORE you freeze to death on the side of the highway. In college all we want to do is shake the KID off of us and grow up, little do we realise that GROWN has more chains than KID. As a child we think of ourselves and rarely think of the cost our actions have on others, as adults thats just about all we do think of, because we have seen how others carelessness (sp?) has affected us. Breaching the gap from GROWNING to GROWN is to take the chains of childhood off (curfew that MOM gave, cleaning my room because MOM said) and voluntarily putting on the chains of adulthood (Curfew because it will disturb the household when I come home late, because I will make my mother worry, because I have to be at work at 6am. Cleaning my room so that I can find my shoes and my clothes are not wrinkled, because I am almost a guest in my mothers house and I will treat her house with more respect.) This is a time when the parent must help the pre-adult open their eyes and SEE. See the parent as a person, not a poo wiper, as a sturdy new boot, not a comfy tennis shoe. The parent must realize how hard this is for the pre-adult trying to fly, not knowing that the rules of flight (gravity, air currents) are much more important to follow than the rules of the nest. They want the beat of both worlds (who doesn't?). You must show them gently that their world is changing, not for better or worse, just different.

 

 

Sorry about the soapbox

Lara

[Chris in VA]

Haven't read the thread--

 

House rules are basically natural consequence enforced

 

contribute when asked and it would be nice if you weren't a total jerk the rest of the time and helped out (step up when something needs doing)

 

18yo curfew is 12 on the weekends or breaks. No bedtime. If you are tired for school, go to bed earlier.

 

20yo curfew is whatever he wants, but he doesn't go out, so there's no problem. We'd expect a call if he's going to be after 12 (call to come before his dad is in bed).

 

No sex in the house, no drugs or alcohol, no porn on our computer (ds20 has his own, and we don't monitor it) and if we see anything illegal, we will call the police. Drive safely, not like an idiot. No swearing or yelling at anyone who lives here. Do your homework and keep your grades up, or you won't be long in college (or get there). Be where you say you will be.

 

It might sound a little harsh, the way I'm wording everything. Sorry--in a rush today.

[swellmomma]

Not there yet, but remembering my days as a young adult living at home, it didn't last very long. I was working fulltime, paying for all my own expenses including rent, had chores and a 10pm curfew. I broke curfew frequently, heck half the time we did not leave to go out until 9-10 at night. My 14 yr old brother had the same curfew go figure. I got to the point that many nights I just didn't bother coming home, I would shower somewhere else and go to work. I moved out 6 months after my high school graduation and wish I had not even waited that long.

 

I think the key is to enforce your house rules but also understand that your young adult, is exactly that, an adult. If you would not dream of imposing a curfew on an adult house guest, your mother etc then do not do so to your adult child. That does not mean they come and go without warning, nor do they come stumbling in the door waking everyone up. But if they are working, contributing the household etc then it is time to let them be the grown up and make their own decisions in life.

 

Reasonable house rules, no drugs, drinking, sex in the home. Be respectful to the other members of the family, contribute to the running of the home (through chores, financially etc). Unreasonable rules: 10 pm curfew(or any curfew at all imo), dictating who your adult child can be friends with, date, clothing, etc. In my province the drinking age is 18, my parents tried to impose the rule of no drinking anywhere. I can understand not in their home since I had younger siblings but when I am of legal age to go to the bar etc they are unreasonable. (of course they were also in denial since my sister spent most of age 14 drunk and they still don't know it).

[TxMama]

Chores. My young adults were responsible for keeping their areas clean. They each had a room, a shared bathroom and a living area that was primarily theirs. My oldest dd also will watch the little kids when I run errands and my oldest son did the yard.

 

Responsibilities-Do well in college!

 

Curfew. We did have a set time that I expected my son to be home but he had the option to call by 10pm( my bed time) and let me know that he was not coming home that night. We have not had to deal with this issue with my oldest dd since she is home daily by 7pm. Bottom line is that I do not want to worry about where they are and if they are safe.

 

Attitudes. Attitude checked at the door. They are adults and I expect them to act as adults.

 

Infractions. They are adults and I expected them to act like adults. If I have to clean up after them, worry about their safety or have to deal with attitude then it was time for them to find alternate living arrangements. I did have to request that my oldest son move out by his 19th birthday. It was hard but it was the absolute best thing for all involved.

 

The only issue I did not address before they reached this age was guests sleeping over. I did not want to wake with people in the house that I did not know were there so we had to work out that particular detail.

 

 

Best of luck!

Edited April 2, 2010 by Wendy B.

[Mergath]

I lived at home for a year while I went to college, and it worked out pretty well. I didn't have chores, per se, but I was expected to clean up after myself, do my own dishes and laundry, straighten up the living room if I messed it up, etc. I didn't have a curfew, but I was expected to tell my mom where I was going and roughly when I'd be home so she didn't sit up all night worrying. I didn't pay rent, but I did pay all of my other expenses, such as tuition, car payment, gas, much of my food, etc.

 

I wouldn't try to institute too many rules at this point, to be honest. An 18-year-old needs to learn how to take care of his or herself, with only the natural consequences of the failure to do so. With most people, if you treat them like an adult, they'll act like one.

[cranberrymom]

I don't have any teens yet, but I once was one.;) My parents were on the tough side. I did have responsibilities, curfews and chores. I had to check my attitude at the door.

 

My parents charged me rent while I was not in school, and I still had a curfew.:glare: I did pay for my own education.

:iagree:We charged my son rent. I feel that my husband and I work so hard, he needed to pitch in. Many teens have the ability to earn money. We do them a disservice by prolonging their adolescence and let them use their money frivolously.

As for rules and curfew, whatever you feel. We had a curfew, but I hated hearing him pull in when I was already sleeping. His coming home noises annoyed me. In hind sight I would have made it earlier.

If you make the nest too comfortable, they won't ever leave. ;)

[Hockey Mom]

I don't have any teens yet, but I once was one.;) My parents were on the tough side. I did have responsibilities, curfews and chores. I had to check my attitude at the door.

 

My parents charged me rent while I was not in school, and I still had a curfew.:glare: I did pay for my own education.

 

:iagree:

 

Funny, I was just discussing this with my own DD today. She's in the process of applying for dorms at the local university (about 45 minutes away). I told her that if she needs to, she can live at home and go to school, but that she would be responsible for chores/curfews while in school, and rent when she wasn't in school.

 

It wasn't a surprise hearing that. She expected it.

 

:iagree:We charged my son rent. I feel that my husband and I work so hard, he needed to pitch in. Many teens have the ability to earn money. We do them a disservice by prolonging their adolescence and let them use their money frivolously.

As for rules and curfew, whatever you feel. We had a curfew, but I hated hearing him pull in when I was already sleeping. His coming home noises annoyed me. In hind sight I would have made it earlier.

If you make the nest too comfortable, they won't ever leave. ;)

 

I couldn't agree more. :)

[Liz CA]

Yes, chores are fewer because he has classes at college every day. Weekends he does help around the house, he always does his own laundry.

 

We have not established any curfews. He will be 19 in a few days and we have not had any problems with bad friends or unhealthy behavior. I think, at 19, the responsibility for his actions are his. Should something happen that shows he has abused our trust, he would possibly be asked to move out, i.e. drug use, alcohol, etc. However, it would depend on circumstances and how repentant he is.

We would want to condemn the behavior but not shoot the sinner since we are all sinners.

 

I see this time of early adulthood while living at home as a time of transition. The young person is taking on responsibility for his/her behavior but there are still some benefits such as living at home, paying only contributions to certain items instead of the full bill, Mom & Dad are still there for advise if they seek it - a safety net of sorts while they learn how to fly.

[Quiver0f10]

Once our children are 18 and graduated from our homeschool they don't have any set chores such as dishes, laundry and so on. They are expected to help out when they are available though and to clean up after themselves.

 

They don't have a curfew but they are expected to call if they are going to be out very late ie: after 1 am or whatever.

 

Our house rules on drinking, sex, drugs, church etc stand and they are expected to adhere to them or they are free to move out.

 

We don't charge then room and board as long as they are enrolled/going to college.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Lisa, I really will be reading this thread rather than participating since I'm at the same stage you are (oldest is 17).

 

I have NEVER agreed with the curfew thing regardless of age. That just has bugged me. Anyway, so the deal with that will simply be to let us know the basics just as hubby and I let each other know the basics. Where you are going and when you'll be back and calling if you'll be late is common courtesy.

 

Going to school (and possibly doing a large number of hours of volunteer work) would excuse a person from room and board fees.

 

We have beliefs regarding certain behaviors (drunkenness, fornication, etc). It's our house. You either live by what we believe or you choose not to live in our home.

 

I'm not so sure about chores. I wouldn't doubt we'd negotiate it at SOME time, but I plan to leave it how it is for now.

[74Heaven]

Thanks, ladies... (don't think any men have commented yet) -

 

This is great information. I'll be printing it out to share with my daughter and my husband. I really think these comments will help our daughter to see that our house rules will be much like most everyone else's.

 

We have no plans to charge rent of any kind, ever, but we have in the past had people stay with us - and we took their rent money and put it in the bank and let them know we would return it to them when they left. (great motivator, lol) We may do this with daughter, i.e. you pay us $100 a month and we'll put that away for you for college (or a house pmt, etc.) in addition to what we have already said we'd pay/contributed.)

 

I esp. appreciate the advice being centered on 18-19yo "very young" new adults, because I think this is a unique transition time.

 

Thanks!

Lisa

[74Heaven]

The difficulty we find with maintaining the chore rotation is that DS18 is often not home at the appropriate time due to work, classes, sports. This really was never an issue until this year.

 

I think it's quite appropriate to have them help around the house. But we have had to make adjustments so that the things he is helping with are not time-sensitive. For example, clearing the table/cleaning the kitchen after dinner didn't work when he wasn't there for dinner. But he is glad to haul the trash/wash out the cans when he gets home from sports practice.

 

The chore rotation we have with the 3 teen girls (1 week kitchen, dining room, laundry) has worked better than anything else we have done.

 

The older 2 teens do have some absences and usually my husband, myself or my youngest 2 boys (who have other chores) all kick in and cover fo r the absent teenager. Or we do the lion's share of the chore and the teen comes home and sweeps and mops or something...Since this relatively new chore system works so well, I hope we can keep something close to it in place.

Lisaj, thanks

[distancia]

Good topic! DD turns 18 in 3 weeks and she keeps telling me how it's going to be a BIG change because she's going to be an ADULT!

 

I'm liking what I see from you all.

 

Although our list is in the formative stage, we are not asking DD to do chores or work IF she puts her energy into schoolwork and maintaining high grades for scholarships (the $$ in scholarships is more than she can make at a p/t job). Also, she belongs to a professional dance troupe and she makes pocket money for performances every month or so, and her practices take time.

 

About curfews: although she is still a high-school student her classes are all college classes, she doesn't have to wake at 6 am. She usually wakes between 8 and 9 on her own, no alarm clock, and goes to bed between 11 and midnight. Weekends she has a tendency to stay out late (beyond 1 am!) so we've agreed that she text me whenever she moves from location A (usually someone's house or a movie) to location B (someone's house or a 24- hr Sbux). I tell her I need a "paper trail." One time she slept over a friend's house, went to bed late, woke late the next morning, and had to drive straight to a college class in her 'yesterday's' clothes. She hated it, swore she wouldn't do it again. And she hasn't.

 

The biggest hurdle will be a-t-t-i-t-u-d-e. I love this quip:

 

Attitudes. Attitude checked at the door. They are adults and I expect them to act as adults.

Edited February 1, 2011 by distancia

[QueenCat]

Chores- yes, some, as it takes all of us to make the house run.

 

Curfew- no, it's not reasonable to tell a 20 year old what time he has to be home. If it's past my bedtime, tell me in advance so I don't worry, and be quiet when you come in. It's rare he's out past my bedtime but when he does, he is respectful about it.

 

Rent- no, not as long as you are in college.

 

Alcohol- not under 21, after, it's fine if in moderation, and not driving.

 

Church attendance- yes, we expect him to attend on Sunday, unless there is good reason not to (work, should he get a job involving Sundays).

[JennifersLost]

We have a 17 yo going on 18, too.

 

Chores - same as always until work or school intervenes. However, if he started eating elsewhere (at school or work) I wouldn't expect him to clean up dinner, for example. He does trash, so that can be done just about any time, and we'd expect him to pitch in with big projects now and then.

 

No curfew. My son doesn't go out a whole lot, so it's not an issue, but I guess if he did, he'd have a curfew through the remainder of 12th grade of 1 am, and the "no curfew" thing would start at the beginning of summer. I do expect the courtesy of being told if he's going to be out super late or not coming home at all. I wouldn't forbid it - I just want to be able to go to sleep.

 

After high school graduation, our kids will pay rent unless they are going to school full-time. If they are working, we will charge them rent, save it, and let them apply it to their college costs (they have to pay half). If they don't plan to go to school, they just pay rent and we'll keep it.

[justamouse]

If you are going to be out overnight, call in so I can lock the door.

 

No one at the house that I do not know, please ask before you bring anyone over.

 

We will treat you as an adult as long as you act like one.

 

Either pay rent or help out.

 

:001_smile:

 

That's it. They are adults, we treat them as such. If they cause problems for the other people in the house, then they're free to find their own place. Mutual respect.

[LibraryLover]

LOL yeah.

 

I've never bothered with rules. They are not needed. My oldest is very respectful and will do anything I ask him to do. He painted one of the bathrooms before he went back to school.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you are going to be out overnight, call in so I can lock the door.

 

No one at the house that I do not know, please ask before you bring anyone over.

 

We will treat you as an adult as long as you act like one.

 

Either pay rent or help out.

 

:001_smile:

 

That's it. They are adults, we treat them as such. If they cause problems for the other people in the house, then they're free to find their own place. Mutual respect.

[Lolly]

LOL yeah.

 

I've never bothered with rules. They are not needed. My oldest is very respectful and will do anything I ask him to do. He painted one of the bathrooms before he went back to school.

 

Whew! I was thinking I was going to be alone. My dd IS adult and mature. She hasn't needed any special rules. It has just sort of followed along from when she was 16 and 17 that she use common courtesy with us. She has no specific chores. She volunteers to help with anything that is going on; she often pitches in without being asked. If I'm going to be gone, she completely takes over for me (shops, fixes dinner for dh and fil, takes care of dog/cats). She is generally just a joy. If any problems come up, we'll address them at that time. Basically, she simply knows what we expect.

[LisaKinVA]

I guess it depends as to what she'll be doing.

 

When I came home from college, all I had to do was keep my room tidy. I was also working 3 part-time jobs... I wasn't out "playing." I worked most days from 6am until 9pm, except for Sundays (although I did work most Sundays too).

 

When I did have "free time" to "go out" -- all that was expected is that I let people know I was leaving, where I was going, and when I'd return. Because of my job situation, though, I didn't ever stay out past 10pm...

 

I was only home two summers, though. My parents felt that because I was working so much to graduate from college with very little debt, and one year early, that they would support those efforts by not requiring chores (beyond picking up after myself). I appreciated that.

[LibraryLover]

The other thing I do when he comes home for breaks during the school year, is hand him my car keys. He takes over all the driving of his sibs hither and yon. He says he actually enjoys this. lol I get a break from all the activities. (He can't do that as much in summer because he works). I give him my credit card, and text him marketing lists. It's like a mini vacay. lol

 

 

Whew! I was thinking I was going to be alone. My dd IS adult and mature. She hasn't needed any special rules. It has just sort of followed along from when she was 16 and 17 that she use common courtesy with us. She has no specific chores. She volunteers to help with anything that is going on; she often pitches in without being asked. If I'm going to be gone, she completely takes over for me (shops, fixes dinner for dh and fil, takes care of dog/cats). She is generally just a joy. If any problems come up, we'll address them at that time. Basically, she simply knows what we expect.

[Danestress]

I don't let my son pay rent because I think the essence of our relationship is not a contractual one. For me, paying rent would mean that he has sort of bought something - if I pay rent for a place, I expect to use it how I want within the confines of the law, unless there is some other contractual arrangement, but then that starts to get a bit complicated.

 

For us, not really needing the money, it's easier to just say, "You are family, you can live here. But this is a family, not a hotel. There is no "crashing" at friends' houses. You live here, or you live there. You come in at reasonable hours. There is no playing music loud late at night, no trashing the kitchen. This is a family, and we have family rules because this is a place where young children are being raised."

 

It's actually worked well for us. My DS pays all his own bills and car costs, but we do pay for his food and handle utilities. He doesn't do regular chores but does a ton of "on the fly" stuff for me. He drives carpool for the other kids a lot, and that is worth it's weight in GOLD. He picks up groceries. He takes care of the house and dog when I travel. Basically, he does whatever I ask him to do, and reasonably nicely.

 

But I don't really go at all for the idea that because someone is an "adult" he can call his own shots. If an adult wants to stay out until 2:00 am, he can live with other people who have that lifestyle. If he wants to live for free with a family, he's not going to live that way. Although, I suppose he probably does occasionally, lol. It's actually gotten slacker around here because it's working pretty well and if he comes home late, he's pretty quiet about it.

Edited February 1, 2011 by Danestress

[Tarreymere]

We have had six kids at one time or another living at home at age 18 or older. We have always expected the following:

 

-Let us know your work or school schedule (in written form on the frig or on the chalkboard wall in the kitchen. We let you know our schedule and if there will be a change in our usual meal routine.

 

-You are welcome to eat meals at home. You are welcome to leftovers. It would be nice if you sometimes offer to buy a pizza for everyone, FYI.

 

-If we leave the house we will let you know we are going, and when we will be back and probably tell you where we are going. If you are not home we will leave you a note. We expect the same from you as a courtesy. (We do not expect the adult child to ask permission, just to let us know so we don't worry unless we have to).

 

-We do expect participation in household chores and responsibilities. Sometimes it is not possible due to schedule conflicts for the adult child to participate in normal chore rotations like doing dinner dishes, so we sit down together to figure out what will work. Our current 19 year old chops wood for our woodstove and brings it inside, puts out the garbage daily and the cans for pickup weekly and puts them away, cuts grass in the summer and shovels snow in the winter. He cleans and maintains the second bathroom. I ask him now and then for a hand in the kitchen or with help babysitting the grandkids. He washes the dog, that kind of thing.

 

-Everyone is expected to keep their person and their personal areas clean and reasonably neat and not to let garbage accumulate, or dirty glasses or dishes. If you stink, you need to fix it.

 

-You don't want to see me in my underwear in the kitchen, I don't want to see you in yours.

 

-We don't allow overnight guests of the opposite gender or opposite gender guests in nonpublic rooms of the house. We don't allow alcohol use by anyone under legal age and we don't allow more than one or two guests per child without prior discussion. Guests are expected to behave like reasonable, considerate, mature people.

 

-We ask that the adult child respect our sleep schedule and we will respect theirs (especially in terms of things like tv use and noise).

 

-Everyone is responsible to clean up after themselves. Including in the kitchen and in the bathroom.

 

-Anyone over the age of 12 is responsible for their own laundry and keeping the laundry area neat during and after use.

 

-We have our special snacks and we know that other people will have theirs. Do not eat food or drink drinks that you haven't personally purchased unless you ask and make sure it is for general family use. It is considered polite to at time bring home and contribute commonly used items like eggs, butter, milk, ect.

 

-If you use my vehicle, ask first and then as a courtesy put some gas in it. Bring it back when you say you will.

 

 

Of course it wasn't easy and still isn't. Our rules seem reasonable to us, but they haven't seemed reasonable to the adult kids. Our response has always been, 'well, move out and you can make your own rules' or 'buy your own car and you don't have to worry about it'. It has still been a trial. They still find ways to make you crazy. For example, I had two daughters who needed to wear white socks at work. Instead of keeping up with their laundry they would 'steal' my white socks that I needed to wear to work. We also had to make a rule (there were four adult girls at that time) that they had to buy their own personal care products to include shampoo, ect. and they had to not leave those items in the bathroom when they were done because they each had at least two dozen bottles of different stuff all over the place. My hair brushes and my own stuff like hairspray, makeup, ect kept disappearing and my blow dryer was always 'borrowed' and left somewhere. And they wondered why I was crazy half the time. The boys are easier, but messier and stink more. And apparently like to wear fewer clothes.

[mom2chaney_girls]

Whew! I was thinking I was going to be alone. My dd IS adult and mature. She hasn't needed any special rules. It has just sort of followed along from when she was 16 and 17 that she use common courtesy with us. She has no specific chores. She volunteers to help with anything that is going on; she often pitches in without being asked. If I'm going to be gone, she completely takes over for me (shops, fixes dinner for dh and fil, takes care of dog/cats). She is generally just a joy. If any problems come up, we'll address them at that time. Basically, she simply knows what we expect.

 

:iagree:

This is our set up with our DD18. She is a high school senior, taking all advanced classes (maintaining a 4.0 gpa) and works 2 jobs. She cleans up after herself, assists with cooking when she is home, does her own laundry, pays for her meals away from home, pays for her gas (I will fill up her car if I borrow it...she is so appreciative when this happens!), always lets us know where she is and when to expect her home, and (most importantly) she ADORES her 5 year old brother and spends lots of play time with him (she is a gymnastics instructor and takes him to the gym with her one day per week....he just eats it up!).

 

No rent, no curfew, no chores... just hasn't been needed with this child.

[LibraryLover]

:iagree:

 

No rent, no curfew, no chores... just hasn't been needed with this child.

 

 

That's true. I'd be singing a different song if i have a child who needed a different song. :)

[Lady Florida.]

This was how we handled it with my now married stepson.

 

If you are going to be out overnight, call in so I can lock the door.

 

No one at the house that I do not know, please ask before you bring anyone over.

 

We will treat you as an adult as long as you act like one.

 

Either pay rent or help out.

 

:001_smile:

 

That's it. They are adults, we treat them as such. If they cause problems for the other people in the house, then they're free to find their own place. Mutual respect.

[TechWife]

I haven't read all of the replies and am responding out of my experience as a college student, not as a parent of an older teen.

 

Assuming that the student is at home to save money, s/he should be afforded the same freedom as a college student living away from home.

Curfew? No

Chores? Only rare ones during weekends and breaks

Responsibilities? Keep room clean, do own laundry, take care of all school related issues, work related issues

Courtesy? Family should arrive at a definition of "late" and student should inform parents when s/he will be late, just so no one worries

[Cedarmom]

No chores- he is gone all day, sometimes in the evening. or doing homework. But, I do ask him to take garbage on his way out, he helps clear dishes after dinner if he's home (unless he's buried in homework) if people are coming over and he's home he'll help. And pick up after yourself. For some reason he's forgotten how to do that, so we're working on it.

 

Curfew- he calls if he's going to be later than 11:30 during the week. He determines his own bedtime.

 

Attitude-better be good!

 

In general, we all just try and be polite and curteous to one another.

[gardening momma]

I haven't done this as a parent yet, but I know when I returned home from my first year of college, one of the differences was that I expected to tell my parents where I would be and when I would be back but not necessarily ask for their permission.

 

I don't think I was a jerk about it. I didn't head out the door right before my mom finished preparing dinner for all of us, for example. But I expected the same level of autonomy I had with my college roommates.

I think this is important. I remember needing similar leeway after I had moved back home for a while. Being able to leave when I wanted, as long as I let someone know I was going--that might include leaving a note if no one else is home--and staying out as long as I needed/wanted was important. And I didn't have any social life, I just needed that flexibility.

[Laurie4b]

We try to treat 18 yo ds as an adult. He is expected to do some chores, just as roommates would share chores (and when he doesn't, I talk with him about the impact on us, his roommates!) We do sometimes have consequences (We own the car he uses, so if he is really, really derelict in his duties, I may say that I'm not willing to loan him the car.)

He doesn't have a curfew, but comes home at a reasonable hour during weeknights. It's often 1:00 a.m. on the weekends. I like to know where he is and he is good about telling us. I guess if he came home really, really late, we would say something.

 

Other than that, I can't really think of what rules we have. Maybe that's because he isn't doing things which would cause an issue (drinking, etc.) and he is doing things he needs to like his coursework, applying to colleges, etc.

 

We won't charge rent because it doesn't cost us anything to give him a bed and we want him to save the $$ for college. It does cost to feed him, but I don't mind that!