Good parenting books?

[EmeraldGirl]

The post about poor parenting methods leads me to ask the question: What good parenting books would you recommend? I am an adoptive parent and have read quite a few concerning parenting adoptive kids, but I also have bio children in need of good parenting also and I am always wanting to improve my relationship with all of my children and have them grow into respectful adults.

 

Presently, I am reading Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Trip. So far, so good, but I am only through the Intro and Chapter 1.

[SonshineLearner]

Hey There,

 

Almost scared to answer this:-) But, I like the Love and Logic Books.... I know the Shepherding book will get some riled.... but it's good if you're moderate about it.... And I like Hints on Child Training by H. Clay Trumball. I think the most important thing is to use moderation with everything, to evaluate your situation and see if what you're doing is seeming to produce an overall good feeling family, and of course with your adopted children remember that there are all these issues to overcome.... Children are hard to bring up... but it matters!! They are worth it... the patience and the diligence it takes to help them grow up safe and strong.

:-)

PS, I think that the Bludorn's Book... Teaching the Trivium is a lovely book for how to form a family...

Edited February 16, 2010 by NayfiesMama

[LittleIzumi]

Christlike Parenting by Glenn Latham! I still need to read Love & Logic, Unconditional Parenting, and some others though. I haven't read a ton of them myself.

[Hillary in KS]

I second "Hints on Child Training" by Trumball.

 

I also like the books by the Tripps (Ted and his brother have several).

 

I've really enjoyed "The Shaping of a Christian Family" by Elisabeth Elliot. It's not a parenting book, but more of an autobiography. BUt I learned so much from how her parents did things.

 

I don't read a lot of parenting books, honestly. But I have one standard for the ones I do read: The parenting books much be written by people who have raised children to adulthood. Or, at the very least, be written by people with children who are older than mine. :001_smile:

 

I bought and returned a book once when I learned, about 3 chapters into it, that the author's oldest child was 10. :001_huh:

[OnTheBrink]

I like the Tripp books, but I admit I'm more familiar with Paul Tripp's books than I am Ted's.

 

And, I'd definitely recommend anything by Elisabeth Elliot. She's one of the few women who I'd love to just sit at her feet and glean wisdom!

[sunshine]

Ok, I used Ted Tripps stuff and Michael Pearls. Of course all my kids survived without child abuse charges being lodged against me and they aren't getting arrested or anything, doing drugs or sleeping with their girlfriends or boyfriends.

 

I also haunt the "Never Hit A Child" website and love it. I think that you have to decide what kind of parent you want to be and you have to be on the same page as your spouse because two methods will only cause confusion. If you can't get on the same page I would definitely espouse Grace Led Parenting.

 

Never ever, ever, ever use any spanking instrument that you cannot stand hitting yourself with as hard as you can. If you do this test, you will never use a belt, piece of plumbing, piece of leather or a sturdy stick. You should never use one on a child anyway. I hit myself with a belt one time when my son was about 5 and my whole family was getting on to me that he was a brat and out of control (I think he spilt 2 cups of milk at my in-laws in one night and was vibrating in the chair as young boys tend to do) but my point was that I hit myself to see what it would feel like to spank my little pride and joy with. For the record I was spanked numerous times with a belt when I was little and it only stung. But when I hit myself with the proferred instrument of my dh choosing, I threw it in the back of the closet and dared anyone to touch him with it. Yes he was a brat. Most kids are at some point. But as you see in my signature, which I should add Dean's List for Freshman Fall Semester, he turned out ok. Without the beatings. I saved them for when he was a teenager. :D

 

I use a lot of the methods describe in the Keeping Our Children's Hearts, The Heart of Anger and Shepherding a Child's Heart. Sometimes I swat my 7 year old because she can send you to the mental institution and sometimes she can push you so far you have to leave the room. But I do leave the room and sit her little butt on the hearth. Until further notice which usually means til I have forgotten that I am mad and can talk rationally. She hates the hearth. I mean hates it. She would rather be popped with the spoon. So I love the hearth!:D

 

Read them all. Don't depend on one method. Find yours and the ones that keep your children's faces soft and not hardened with anger. Then you know that you are doing the right way.

[Mom-ninja.]

Hold On to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld

[Guest addison]

That's a some good suggestions for the books on parenting and I would have read a couple of these books, ;) but weren't that good but this sounds to be a good one on the block. Thanks for informing about the books. :001_smile:

[IsabelC]

Depends on your style really!

 

Attachment parenting principles are important to me, so I would have a quick flick through and reject anything that suggests controlled crying, artificial feeding, physical 'discipline', etc.

 

You might disagree...

 

 

A bit late for you as your youngest is already 4, but for new adoptive parents of younger children and babies, I would recommend reading up on induced lactation, as it is hugely beneficial for adopted children to be breastfed, both as a bonding aid and to reduce the impact of any health problems or previous abuse/neglect situations.

Edited February 16, 2010 by Hotdrink

[LibraryLover]

Oldie but goodie. When Your Child Drives You Crazy by Eda LeShan. You could probably find it at the library, but not at a book store. Offers some very loving scripted things to say to children when you're having difficulty.

 

I also like Penelope Leach on a lot of things, and while not my fav, I think Dr Sears' Discipline book is not bad at all.

 

I don't think one should ever hit a child, for any reason. Even if it doesn't cause 'damage' to body or soul, it does nothing wrt relationship building.

 

And maybe some of my AP friends would be shocked, but I don't hate that Nanny show. The one with the 3 nannies...I kind of like the woman who sits alone to the left. She does do time outs, yes. But she also seems good at reading kids. Does she have a book?

 

i don't believe in crying it out at all. Kids need to know you're there, even at night. Parenting doesn't end when it's dark. What's that old book about co sleeping by the Danish woman? It was in my LLL library. Not Nighttime Parenting...The Family Bed? Love her.

Edited February 16, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Liz CA]

I would also add "Boundaries with Kids" by Cloud & Townsend

[nd293]

I have recently read "Honey I Wrecked the Kids" by a Canadian author, I think. I don't agree with all her views, but her advise is very practical, and there are lots of examples. This is not a "parents are the bosses and should be obeyed unquestioningly" approach, but it's also not a "children should not be made to do anything" approach. She is very big on kids having responsibilities (chores) within the family, for instance, and generally doing things for themselves. Interestingly, she mentions homeschooling once, as an example of how parents might respond innapropriately to their kids having a tough time (socially) at school.

 

I like it enough that I've bought a copy each for my husband and I.

[Laura Corin]

My favourite for young children is Baby and Child, by Penelope Leach. It's compassionate and sensible. I have been much influenced by Hold On To Your Kids, by Neufeld and Mate.

 

Laura

[Mandamom]

Raising your Spirited Child and Kids, Parents and POwer Struggles by the same author are the only 2 parenting books I recommend.

[gandpsmommy]

I don't think there will ever be a parenting book that I would completely agree with from cover to cover. And I have learned over the past few years that it's important to respect myself and my family by living in a way that works for our family, for our personalities, for our values, not seeking out "a standard" espoused by an expert or by other families. You have to be true to yourself, to your spouse, and to your kids. You have to let love guide you.

 

Having qualified my response, I have really found books by Dr. William and Martha Sears to be very thoughtful and helpful.

[nono]

I have been much influenced by Hold On To Your Kids, by Neufeld and Mate.

Laura

 

Yes, me too!

[susankenny]

Hi,

 

My favorite parenting books are:

 

How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk

 

and

 

123 Magic

 

 

Hope this helps,

Susan

[Lisa in Jax]

I like "Love and Logic" because it helps parents to give energetic, enthusiastic responses to GOOD behavior, and low-key responses to poor behavior. It encourages parents to be kind and empathetic while teaching responsibility and consequences. Kids are encouraged to THINK about their choices and THINK about the possible outcomes/consequences of their choices.

 

It encourages parents to treat kids like human beings who deserve respect *as well as* structure and direction, instead of encouraging compliance by yelling at a child or hitting him.

 

Lisa

[FO4UR]

I will assume you are a Christian b/c you're reading Shepherding a Child's Heart, so I'll recommend simply reading the Bible.

 

I've read lots and lots of parenting books, including "Shepherding," and I have never agreed 100% with any of them.

 

Sometimes "treat others the way you want to be treated" is the best parenting advice...especially in light of that LONG closed thread.;) Parenting is not a perfect science...forgive 70x7 times....and ask your dc to forgive you (and their siblings) 70x7 times. Self-sacrifice...give of your time and patience and love freely. Consider your dc's needs above your own. Live it out. That's how they will learn to do the same.

[PineFarmMom]

The post about poor parenting methods leads me to ask the question: What good parenting books would you recommend? I am an adoptive parent and have read quite a few concerning parenting adoptive kids, but I also have bio children in need of good parenting also and I am always wanting to improve my relationship with all of my children and have them grow into respectful adults.

 

Presently, I am reading Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Trip. So far, so good, but I am only through the Intro and Chapter 1.

 

I liked that book. I had some things I disagreed with but mostly it was good! I agree with the person who said that "Hold onto your kids" is a good one. It has a lot of principles that I very much agree with and I've seen work well. I also agree that the Bible is the best of them all. :) Boundaries with Kids, as someone said, is good. It's done more to help me to have boundaries with other people's kids and to help my dc stick with boundaries with others as well. Also, my best bet to you is to pray about what you're reading, that God will give you insight into what you're needing to do, then ignore advice that goes against the way you feel Him leading you!! There's tons of pschyobabble out there. It takes discernment to wade through it.

[Jenny in GA]

Grace-Based Parenting is different, but that's what made me like it. It wasn't your typical "Here's what to do when your kid does this, Here's how to handle allowances," etc type thing.

 

John Rosemond's books are fun and interesting, even though by no means do I agree with everything he says.

[PineFarmMom]

Grace-Based Parenting is different, but that's what made me like it. It wasn't your typical "Here's what to do when your kid does this, Here's how to handle allowances," etc type thing.

 

 

I disagree with a lot in that book, but will say that reading it was a turning point for me and helped me to make some very positive changes. I read it about 6 or 7 years ago. I guess it's like any of them...you take the good from them and move on. It enabled me to see areas that I had taken from my own parents, areas that I was too hard and rules oriented, and to have more grace for my dc.

[prairiegirl]

I just read one last wek that I really enjoyed. Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne. The title is misleading. It's about simplifying your life and your children's lives to give them an increased sense of safety and calm. There are chapters about decluttering, rythm, filtering out the adult world, etc. The book has a Waldorf feel to it.

[kmacnchs]

 

I've really enjoyed "The Shaping of a Christian Family" by Elisabeth Elliot. It's not a parenting book, but more of an autobiography. BUt I learned so much from how her parents did things.

 

:iagree::iagree:SUCH A GREAT BOOK!

 

I learned a lot from the Ezzos' books but when I read "Shepherding a Child's Heart", it changed my focus from being a perfectionist and only focused on obedience to realizing that their heart is what God wants. Not that the Ezzos encourage perfectionism, that's just how I reacted to the two books. I continue to read through Tripp's book to remind myself to pray with my children, pray for my children, etc. instead of disciplining and talking to death - trusting the Lord to deal with their hearts ;)

[3byzaz]

I love anything by Turansky and Miller - the whining, complaining one and Parenting is Heart Work, etc. Saw them speak - very good!

 

I also love all the Love and Logic books - a great calm way to deal with the kiddos, but have to remember to keep the Love part!!

 

There's a new Shepherding book called Instructing a Child's Heart...it was good too.

 

I do find that the more I read the more confused I get!! So...it really helps to just pray a LOT and ask God to power me up to be the mom he wants me to be!

[Jenny in GA]

I disagree with a lot in that book, but will say that reading it was a turning point for me and helped me to make some very positive changes. I read it about 6 or 7 years ago. I guess it's like any of them...you take the good from them and move on. It enabled me to see areas that I had taken from my own parents, areas that I was too hard and rules oriented, and to have more grace for my dc.

 

 

What did you disagree with about Grace-Based Parenting?

 

I ask mainly because I can't remember a whole lot of specifics. I just remember that it was different, and that I enjoyed it at the time.

[Quad Shot Academy]

Revolutionary Parenting: What the Research Shows Really Works is the only parenting book I have read that I can wholeheartedly recommend!

 

ETA: I also love my For Instruction in Righteousness: A Topical Reference Guide for Biblical Child-Training .

Edited February 16, 2010 by Quad Shot Academy
Forgot one

[PineFarmMom]

What did you disagree with about Grace-Based Parenting?

 

I ask mainly because I can't remember a whole lot of specifics. I just remember that it was different, and that I enjoyed it at the time.

 

 

There was just a lot that leaned so far into grace that it seemed permissive. It was definitely a good book for me to read, one that I needed, but if I had jumped completely into it, I think I'd take too leniant an outlook. Those were just my impressions. YMMV

[BikeBookBread]

I have a love/hate relationship with Shepherding... by Tripp. I love what the meat of the book says to a Christian family and parent, but I become very legalistic after I read this book, and I KNOW that's not what this book is teaching AT ALL...it's a ME-problem. I go straight for the practical and how-to chapters and well, I don't want to go there...SOOOOO, if you have tendencies towards legalism and choose to read it, make sure you read it focusing on the SCRIPTURE he uses, not just the implementation of his plan.

 

Say Goodbye to Whining by Turansky has already been mentioned. Very good book.

 

She's Gonna Blow: Real Help For Moms Dealing with Anger by Julie Anne Barnhill The title says it all. It is not a psychology book, but a book filled with God's Word: both encouragement and challenge.

 

Don't Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Plowman...deals with speaking to a child's heart and this little gem by Plowman, too: Wise Words for Moms. It is a flip-format chart that you can hang on the fridge or other prominent place to quickly refer to. It lists a wrong behavior (such as complaining), gives a gentle heart-probing question like "Is your attitude showing thankfulness and contentment?", offers a reproof (put off): Phil 2:14 "Do everything without complaining and arguing" and an encouragement (put on): I Thess. 5:16-18 It is God's will that you be thankful and joyful in all circumstances... Additional verses are offered as well.

 

Have a New Kid by Friday by Kevin Leman -- although it is very behavior-driven (the goal is behavior change rather than heart change), it is VERY practical. I would never recommend this book without recommending a book that addresses how to speak to a child's heart along with it.

 

Finally and most importantly, the first book a Christian parent should look to is the Bible. As a speaker at a marriage conference recently shared, Christ commands us to BE LIKE HIM... read Christ's words about himself and He commands his followers to be. What attributes of Himself does God the Father command us to be like? He doesn't tell us to be the eternal righteous judge (that's HIS job), he tells us to be holy, contrite, humble, kind, forgiving, etc... What does Christ teach about children? What does the Bible teach about being image-bearers? How do we treat an image-bearer of God? This alone makes me think twice when I feel the anger welling up and want to scream at my precious girls: they are God's image bearers!

[my2kidsmom]

Common Sense Parenting

http://www.boystownpress.org/Scripts/prodView.asp?sku=39-018

 

It's published by Boys Town Press. I can recommend the techniques outlined in this book because I know first hand that they work! It is so important for parents, especially those that are struggling to learn how to approach discipline as positive teaching rather than punishment. This book teaches parents to focus on teaching social skills to children, recognizing good behavior and teaching before problems occur, and teaches parents how to effectively correct children's negative behavior.

 

It is a great model!

[Hillary in KS]

And maybe some of my AP friends would be shocked, but I don't hate that Nanny show. ...Does she have a book?

 

 

She does! Google her name (or Supernanny) and you'll find it. The book had a lot of the same information as the show, as I recall.

 

But one thing I really loved about her book were the pictures. She had many beautiful pictures of children. I couldn't get over how lovely they were. It's worth a flip-through simply for those.

[Carol in Cal.]

...(and I have read a lot more than just these!)

 

"How to Really Love Your Child"--I have a very stressful life, and I have to keep coming back to this one. Am I really SHOWING my child how much I love her? Every day? Consistently?

 

"Becoming the Parent You Want to Be"--this is my fave for just about everything, even older children.

 

"The Baby Book" and "The Discipline Book"--both by Sears. These are the best AP books I have ever seen. They gave me both techniques and confidence.

 

I'm reading a bunch of books about teens right now, but don't have any favorites yet.

 

Specifically for us:

 

"You Are Your Child's First Teacher"--this emphasizes the physical environment in a way that would not have occurred to me. It also fosters good ways to gradually bring a child out of a shell, which were helpful in my specific family. For a child that is slow to warm up, this book helps create the kind of nurturing environment that suits her the best.

 

"Mitten Strings for God" is a series of reflections on motherhood and family life that reflects my own home when my daughter was young amazingly well. I love the way this author thinks! (Except that she is Waldorfy and not Christian.)

 

"Things Will Be Different For My Daughter"--this is not a parenting book per se, but it has a lot of ideas about preparing a young woman for a modern successful life.

 

Also, "Training Our Daughters to be Keepers At Home" has a lot of ideas about teaching the homesteading way of life. Although I'm not an urban homesteader to the extent that I would like to be, this book is such a great compendium of skills that it's like TWTM for home making. I emphasize, I don't agree with all of it. It has a 'girls must stay home and feel very fulfilled doing so because that's what God says' slant that I disagree with. But it's been very helpful to me in ensuring that any 'gaps' in homemaking education are choices rather than accidents, in the same way that TWTM is about academics.

 

Non Violent Communication is becoming very popular in secular and liberal homeschooling circles around here. I have a lot of problems with it, but have not studied it thoroughly enough to sort it all out.

[Joanne]

FWIW, I do not like the Tripp materials at all.

 

I like and would recommend:

 

Anything by the Clarksons (very homeschool friendly, too!)

 

Anything by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller (homeschool friendly)

 

Anything by Dr. Ross Campbell (he was the coauthor of the Love Language book for kids but has some earlier, great, work)

 

Kids Are Worth It by Barbara Coloroso

 

Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Dr. Becky Bailey

 

Earlier, Eda LaShan was mentioned;I agree. Faber and Mazlish were mentioned, I agree.

 

Kevin Leman's books are acceptable.

[WishboneDawn]

Kids Are Worth It by Barbara Coloroso

 

This book should come with children. :D

 

She does an absolutely fantastic job of giving the reader a sensible and honest foundation on which to evaluate their goals and methods of parenting. IMO this book should be the standard all others are measured against.

[Hillary in KS]

 

She's Gonna Blow: Real Help For Moms Dealing with Anger by Julie Anne Barnhill The title says it all. It is not a psychology book, but a book filled with God's Word: both encouragement and challenge.

 

 

 

Finally and most importantly, the first book a Christian parent should look to is the Bible. As a speaker at a marriage conference recently shared, Christ commands us to BE LIKE HIM... read Christ's words about himself and He commands his followers to be. What attributes of Himself does God the Father command us to be like? He doesn't tell us to be the eternal righteous judge (that's HIS job), he tells us to be holy, contrite, humble, kind, forgiving, etc... What does Christ teach about children? What does the Bible teach about being image-bearers? How do we treat an image-bearer of God? This alone makes me think twice when I feel the anger welling up and want to scream at my precious girls: they are God's image bearers!

 

I had forgotten about "She's Gonna' Blow!' That was a great book. I read it several years ago, and thought it both thought-provoking and encouraging. (Without being heavy-handed.)

 

And I couldn't agree more with the second paragraph above. :001_smile:

[LittleIzumi]

 

Finally and most importantly, the first book a Christian parent should look to is the Bible. As a speaker at a marriage conference recently shared, Christ commands us to BE LIKE HIM... read Christ's words about himself and He commands his followers to be. What attributes of Himself does God the Father command us to be like? He doesn't tell us to be the eternal righteous judge (that's HIS job), he tells us to be holy, contrite, humble, kind, forgiving, etc... What does Christ teach about children? What does the Bible teach about being image-bearers? How do we treat an image-bearer of God? This alone makes me think twice when I feel the anger welling up and want to scream at my precious girls: they are God's image bearers!

 

That's what I love about Christlike Parenting--he takes most of his instruction/explanation straight from the teachings of Christ and from how God instructs His children. He does not advocate/approve the spare the rod/spoil the child/switch them into obedience philosophy. He had a line something like, "Can you imagine Christ hitting a little child?" Of course not. He also has studies and statistics and to back up the scriptural teachings (showing that they are effective today too, even with teenagers and single parents and rebellious kids, etc).

[MelanieM]

This book should come with children. :D

 

She does an absolutely fantastic job of giving the reader a sensible and honest foundation on which to evaluate their goals and methods of parenting. IMO this book should be the standard all others are measured against.

 

I absolutely agree! I love Kids are worth it! and always pick up any extra copies I find at thrift stores so I can give them to new parents. (I also buy up some others that I think new parents should stay far away from. But that's another discussion.)

[LibraryLover]

I forgot about Kids Are Worth It. Great book, I agree. :)

[LBC]

Hold On to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld

 

:iagree:

[Catherine]

Agree. This book, more than any other, changed my life.

[kmacnchs]

I have a love/hate relationship withShepherding... by Tripp. I love what the meat of the book says to a Christian family and parent, but I become very legalistic after I read this book, and I KNOW that's not what this book is teaching AT ALL...it's a ME-problem. I go straight for the practical and how-to chapters and well, I don't want to go there...SOOOOO, if you have tendencies towards legalism and choose to read it, make sure you read it focusing on the SCRIPTURE he uses, not just the implementation of his plan.

 

Isn't it interesting how the same book can impact people SO differently?!?! I lean towards legalism (not saying I should, just my nature) but this book actually *freed* me of my legalistic thinking!

[Xuzi]

Unconditional Parenting helped inspire me to have more meaningful conversations with my young children (rather than just "Good job!" I actually describe what it is about the "job" they did that I like so that they know what they're capable of)

 

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk

 

Love and Logic

 

7 Habits of Highly Effective Families (Changed our whole family dynamic! Amazing book!)

[EmeraldGirl]

This discussion has been very refreshing and informative, and it provided resources I had never heard of before with your recommendations.

 

I wrote my post very quickly yesterday after reading a disturbing thread, so didn't comment much. I have to agree the Bible is the first and most important source of parenting and I appreciate the comments of those who put it into a more detailed perspective for me.

 

Our whole life is a journey with the Lord (if one is a Christian), and parenting is not excluded from that, and I actually believe the Lord uses it to grow us, more than the kids. He is so patient with His children (the parents).

 

Thanks again for such encouraging responses.

[Strengthen My Hands]

Age of Opportunity by Paul David Tripp

[lakotajm]

Unconditional Parenting helped inspire me to have more meaningful conversations with my young children (rather than just "Good job!" I actually describe what it is about the "job" they did that I like so that they know what they're capable of)

 

 

 

His book about rewards and punishment in schools influenced me in my decision to homeschool. However, I found myself wondering how realistic it is to have teach children without ever using rewards or punishments when that is how the world operates. It is even Biblical. Rewards and punishments are designed to mimic the positive and negative consequences of our choices. And, on the practical side-I cannot get my kids to talk about anything! Getting their input has proven frustraingly impossible in most instances.

 

I know some of that is conditioned response to my overly legalistic and controlling natural parenting style. They are not intersted in doing anything in a conversation about their behavior beyond fill in mom's blank or rebel by clamping shut and glaring.

 

So how do you repair this and move toward true conversations/having them solve their own problems, etc.? If you have parented in a very firm and legalistic manner and try to change after several years, how do you do it? Mine seem firmly entrenched.

 

Sorry to steal the thread-the recommendations got me pondering this dilemma.

 

Is there a book that addresses this very real stumbling block? It is one thing for them to profess the superiority of a method-if started from the beginning, and quite another to address implementing it as a 180 degree turn in midstream. This is what has kept me from being successful in mollifying my approach.

 

Lakota

[Joanne]

His book about rewards and punishment in schools influenced me in my decision to homeschool. However, I found myself wondering how realistic it is to have teach children without ever using rewards or punishments when that is how the world operates. It is even Biblical. Rewards and punishments are designed to mimic the positive and negative consequences of our choices. And, on the practical side-I cannot get my kids to talk about anything! Getting their input has proven frustraingly impossible in most instances.

 

I know some of that is conditioned response to my overly legalistic and controlling natural parenting style. They are not intersted in doing anything in a conversation about their behavior beyond fill in mom's blank or rebel by clamping shut and glaring.

 

So how do you repair this and move toward true conversations/having them solve their own problems, etc.? If you have parented in a very firm and legalistic manner and try to change after several years, how do you do it? Mine seem firmly entrenched.

 

Sorry to steal the thread-the recommendations got me pondering this dilemma.

 

Is there a book that addresses this very real stumbling block? It is one thing for them to profess the superiority of a method-if started from the beginning, and quite another to address implementing it as a 180 degree turn in midstream. This is what has kept me from being successful in mollifying my approach.

 

Lakota

 

Punished by Rewards had *some* merit, if you can stand the delivery.

 

All in all, though, I am so not a fan of AK's parenting approach.

 

I chose, instead, to minimize reward and behavioralist systems rather than run screaming from them as though they were the devil. ;)

[Carol in Cal.]

 

Is there a book that addresses this very real stumbling block? It is one thing for them to profess the superiority of a method-if started from the beginning, and quite another to address implementing it as a 180 degree turn in midstream. This is what has kept me from being successful in mollifying my approach.

 

 

 

Something you might try is to get a little book called, "How to Really Love Your Child" and read it a couple of times. Then add that stuff in without changing too much right away.

 

I think that if young children feel really and truly and completely loved, some of the need for legalism falls off. (Not all of it!) With your younger kids that might give you the space to make the kind of change that you are talking about. For what to change to, I suggest "Becoming the Parent You Want To Be" because it is so practical and allowed me to picture out how I would approach situations that I find especially challenging, so I could get ahead of that curve in dealing with them non-reactively.

 

The older one might be a little tougher. I have a 13YO DD myself, and she is pretty eyeroll-ish at the moment. Some of that is developmental, although I do call her on it because it's still not acceptable to me. I am having a hard time treating her with respect as she is not respectful or cheerful on any level, and I mostly feel pecked to death by ducks these days. However, I keep reminding myself to really love her, to smile to her, to look her right in the eye, to show her that I care, while clamping down on the disrespect/complaining at the same time. We'll see.

 

One thing to keep in mind is that change is a process, not an instantaneous miracle, for us parents as well as for those lovely children of ours.

'

Edited February 17, 2010 by Carol in Cal.

[Joanne]

Something you might try is to get a little book called, "How to Really Love Your Child" and read it a couple of times. Then add that stuff in without changing too much right away.

 

The older one might be a little tougher. I have a 13YO DD myself, and she is pretty eyeroll-ish at the moment. Some of that is developmental, although I do call her on it because it's still not acceptable to me. I am having a hard time treating her with respect as she is not respectful or cheerful on any level, and I mostly feel pecked to death by ducks these days. However, I keep reminding myself to really love her, to smile to her, to look her right in the eye, to show her that I care, while clamping down on the disrespect/complaining at the same time. We'll see.

 

One thing to keep in mind is that change is a process, not an instantaneous miracle, for us parents as well as for those lovely children of ours.

'

 

He has one on teens.

 

How To Really Love Your Teenager

[Carol in Cal.]

He has one on teens.

 

How To Really Love Your Teenager

 

I'll be looking for that one, thanks Joanne!