Are you friends with people who parent way different than you?

[lincap]

Most of my IRL friends and moms in my homeschool group all parent basically the same way. Like attracts like!

 

I have a friend who just had a baby and already our parenting is sooooo different. Our ideals, philosophy are just complete opposite sides of the spectrum.

 

Her baby is 1 week old.

 

I believe in baby's picking their delivery date (unless medical problems), she talked her doc into a c-section at 39 weeks because she didn't want to go into labor.

 

I believe that breastmilk is best, she thinks formula is awesome and all people who breastfeed are (in her words) "breastfeeding nazis".. sigh...

 

I believe in holding a newborn for long periods of time for bonding, she puts him down all the time and allows him to cry for at least 4 hours a day alone to learn independence.

 

I believe in feeding on demand, she follows a STRICT feeding schedule... EXCEPT at night.. she gives him extra formula in hopes he will sleep longer.

 

I can see as this babe grows and grows how different we will parent. Maybe it is my hormonal 8 month pregnant body but I am having a hard time talking to her. I don't want to be that person who cannot tolerate others but I am having trouble already.. sigh.. I can hear this one week old screaming in the background and she just says "it is good for him". I just said "I can't listen to that, I need to go."

 

How do I get past those issues and more to come? When she asked me what is the BEST formula, I just said "I have no idea, my kids never had any, ask your pedi".

 

My brother and his girlfriend parent WAY differernt from my with their almost 3 yr old, but somehow we get along. Maybe it will just take time.

[Crissy]

Yes. I believe my parenting style is best for my family, but my authority in parenting matters begins and ends with my own children.

[Heather in WI]

Most of my IRL friends and moms in my homeschool group all parent basically the same way. Like attracts like!

 

I have a friend who just had a baby and already our parenting is sooooo different. Our ideals, philosophy are just complete opposite sides of the spectrum.

{snip}

How do I get past those issues and more to come? When she asked me what is the BEST formula, I just said "I have no idea, my kids never had any, ask your pedi".

 

 

I'm very alike to my online friends.

 

IRL, however, my friends tend to parent very differently than I do. :-)

 

There are very few subjects we just don't talk about .... homebirthing, for one.

 

But, other than that, we talk about any and everything. I don't present my philosophy as gospel fact and I don't assume they parent the way they do because they are ignorant of the best way to parent. {grin}

 

I love my friends more than I love my parenting philosophy. I think you just have to extend grace and realize that what is right for you and your family isn't right for every family in every situation.

 

And, the older I get, the more I laugh (and cringe!) about how judgmental I was when I was a new parent. :)

[Sputterduck]

It would be extremely hard to watch something that extreme. :( I don't think I could do it. Let a week old cry for 4 hours alone? That borders on neglect, and I am not one to run around yelling neglect.

[Nakia]

I don't have any friends who parent the exact way I do. We all have a mutual respect for each other. But I do not have a friend like yours, and I don't think I could. No baby should cry for 4 hours alone. That is just sad.

[LibraryLover]

I lucked out and met most of my hsing friends in a breastfeeding group a few years ago. But our hsing group is a mix of folks. As long as someone isn't thinking a fellow mom bfing during one of our outings is gross, I am ok. The only line that I have never been able to cross is the spanking one. I can't watch it and I don't want to hear about. I don't have any friends who spank or are punitive. I would consider 4 hours of screaming in hunger punitive. so that would have me avoiding her.

Edited January 26, 2010 by LibraryLover

[mommyto3]

Yes, I have friends who don't parent the same as me, IRL and online. I treat it similar to how I handle my friends, again IRL and online, who don't have the same Christian beliefs as I do. Overall, there is a mutual respect that everyone does things different, believes different things, and not everything works for every family.

 

I certainly am not an expert on parenting or motherhood. There are a lot of things I do that other people wouldn't and I expect respect and an understanding that I am doing what I believe is best for MY kids based on my knowledge and my beliefs. I try to extend the same thing to others.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Well, I don't think my baby beliefs are much different from most of my friends.

 

But my other beliefs are WAY different. Almost everyone I know are very permissive and VERY punitive. They swing one way then get frustrated and swing the other. They allow their children to behave in ways I just can't imagine. The couple friends that are either permissive OR punitive are still very different.

 

I was/am a STRICT parent. However, I'm not punitive. I have high expectations for children's behavior and know they can rise to the occasion. I believe children are SO much more capable than most people believe. They can behave, but they can also learn, not needing threats and punishment to control them instead.

 

We also are different about education, thinking skills, life skills, work ethic.

 

But mostly? I find that we can just accept how each of us are. But it's a LOT different in our 30s and 40s and us having bigger kids (though some of us have littles too) than it was in our 20s with just little kids. I think we see benefits to other people's ways down the road. We also see flaws in our own. And more than anything, we see that most of the kids turn out "just fine" regardless. We also learn that we don't need validation by other people choosing our way.

 

Anyway, I think you will adjust. When she asks a question, simply let her know that you made a different choice so can't really answer her question.

[Perry]

 

Her baby is 1 week old.

 

I believe in holding a newborn for long periods of time for bonding, she puts him down all the time and allows him to cry for at least 4 hours a day alone to learn independence.

 

Four hours at a time? Is that even physically possible in a week old baby?

 

If I had to listen to my week old baby cry for 4 hours without trying to comfort her, you would have had to commit me. Seriously.

[Mrs Mungo]

I think it was harder to be friends with people whose parenting was way different than my own when my kids were really little. It's a bit easier now. There are stricter parents and more permissive parents. There are parents who allow junk food, parents who don't and parents in between. As kids get older there aren't quite so many differences. I think as *parents* have been parents longer they are also more tolerant. There are lots of selectively vaccinated kids in our teen group, for example, but the parents don't argue about it.

[Crissy]

Four hours at a time?

 

I am curious about that as well.

 

I wonder if it is a case of poor estimation. I know when my babies cried, two minutes seemed like 30.

[forty-two]

Four hours at a time? Is that even physically possible in a week old baby?

 

If I had to listen to my week old baby cry for 4 hours without trying to comfort her, you would have had to commit me. Seriously.

:iagree: I took it as 4 hours of *non-consecutive* crying, though.

 

Still, that is where I'd have serious issues. It's one thing to see the default place of the infant be in the crib/in the swing/etc., as opposed to the default place be in arms. It's a completely different thing to let a one week old cry alone for extended periods of time. To me that's not a difference in parenting as much as it is a difference in fundamental beliefs, and I might not want to be close friends with someone whose beliefs led them to assert that crying alone was somehow "good" for a one week old.

[Colleen]

 

I wonder if it is a case of poor estimation.

Yes, this.

 

[Pamela H in Texas]

I took it as 4 hours per day. That still seems very high. Even if they cried 30 minutes to get to sleep, they'd have to do it EIGHT time in a day to get to 4 hours.

 

But my daughter cried A LOT the first 4 mo. And she slept very little. It was really hard. Thing is that I thought baby crying meant she needed something (diaper, food, comfort, love, attention, time, pain relief, positioned, SOMETHING). Since she could do very little of that for herself, I saw it as my job. A newborn baby may learn, in time, self-comfort and to entertain herself, but she can't do any of the rest of it.

[Sputterduck]

Four hours at a time? Is that even physically possible in a week old baby?

 

If I had to listen to my week old baby cry for 4 hours without trying to comfort her, you would have had to commit me. Seriously.

 

My aunt and uncle had friends who, from the day they took their baby home, closed his bedroom door from 8 pm to 8 am, or whatever. I can't remember his exact bedtime. Anyhow, from day one they left him in there to teach him to sleep. They wouldn't go in there to tend to him or feed him even at a day old. And, apparently, he would cry and cry for hours. The child was in pain from hunger and able to cry that long. They wanted him to learn to self soothe and be independent...

 

Also, mine cried for hours in my arms due to feeding issues. Yeah, it's possible.

[Colleen]

You and your friend both sound like relatively young (new) parents who are still in the "my way or the highway" mindset. The fact that you even know these things about one another and care is evidence of that. If you genuinely want to preserve this friendship, I'd encourage you to keep these potentially divisive issues in perspective.

[lincap]

The crying is tough. She puts the baby in another room from midnight to 4am so her and hubby can sleep with a fan on.

 

She lets him cry so she can use the phone, internet, shower, eat.. etc.

 

She throws him at her mom every chance possible.

 

So I am wondering maybe it is post partum depression?? She seems to lack in that "connecting" with him.

 

 

And yes we are young parents.. I am 32 with a 4yr old, almost 2 yr old and one on the way... she is 27 and he is her first baby. I do feel I am "set in my ways" for my parenting..

 

I am trying to preserve the friendship but just admitting I don't/didn't do things like that, so ask the pedi.. But now I wonder about PPD....

[Perry]

 

Also, mine cried for hours in my arms due to feeding issues. Yeah, it's possible.

I had two colicky babies that were champion criers. But I don't think they really started crying like that until they were 2 weeks old. It's been a long time since I had a brand new baby, so maybe my memory is off, but I didn't think mine were ever awake for more than a couple hours at a time when they were less than a week old. And, to me, listening to a baby cry without attending to her is waaaay different than trying to comfort an inconsolable baby.

[kat19]

Within my own family, everyone parents differently.

 

Everyone parents they way they think is best for them.

[smrtmama]

I have friends with whom I differ in some areas, but honestly, some of the things I feel strongly about (like breastfeeding, genital integrity, CIO) are areas where it's too difficult to be friends with people whose philosophies are vastly different from mine. To me, those are human rights or basic humanity issues, and they're deal-breakers.

[Laurie4b]

Most of my IRL friends and moms in my homeschool group all parent basically the same way. Like attracts like!

 

I have a friend who just had a baby and already our parenting is sooooo different. Our ideals, philosophy are just complete opposite sides of the spectrum.

 

Her baby is 1 week old.

 

I believe in baby's picking their delivery date (unless medical problems), she talked her doc into a c-section at 39 weeks because she didn't want to go into labor.

 

I believe that breastmilk is best, she thinks formula is awesome and all people who breastfeed are (in her words) "breastfeeding nazis".. sigh...

 

I believe in holding a newborn for long periods of time for bonding, she puts him down all the time and allows him to cry for at least 4 hours a day alone to learn independence.

 

I believe in feeding on demand, she follows a STRICT feeding schedule... EXCEPT at night.. she gives him extra formula in hopes he will sleep longer.

 

I can see as this babe grows and grows how different we will parent. Maybe it is my hormonal 8 month pregnant body but I am having a hard time talking to her. I don't want to be that person who cannot tolerate others but I am having trouble already.. sigh.. I can hear this one week old screaming in the background and she just says "it is good for him". I just said "I can't listen to that, I need to go."

 

How do I get past those issues and more to come? When she asked me what is the BEST formula, I just said "I have no idea, my kids never had any, ask your pedi".

 

My brother and his girlfriend parent WAY differernt from my with their almost 3 yr old, but somehow we get along. Maybe it will just take time.

 

The letting a 1 week old cry for 4 hours would make me physically ill. I don't think it falls in the realm of "parenting choice" but rather bad, possibly neglectful parenting. I would ask a pediatrician whether or not that should be reported to CPS as neglect. It seems to me that it should. Poor baby. That is just horrible.

[Christy B]

The crying is tough. She puts the baby in another room from midnight to 4am so her and hubby can sleep with a fan on.

 

She lets him cry so she can use the phone, internet, shower, eat.. etc.

 

She throws him at her mom every chance possible.

 

So I am wondering maybe it is post partum depression?? She seems to lack in that "connecting" with him.

 

 

 

Oh dear. I'm going to don my flame-proof suit and say that I don't really think any of those things you just mentioned are unusual, inadvisable, or indications of PPD.

 

Granted, my youngest is now almost 12, so memory may be failing me, but I don't think it's unreasonable for a fed and diapered baby to be put down for four hours so the parents can get some sleep.

 

I don't see a problem with a fed and diapered baby being put snugly into the crib or strapped securely into the car carrier so mom can get a shower or take ten minutes to eat a sandwich in peace. (Now, phone and internet should be negotiable -- if babe is content to rest in the crib, more power to her, if he is wakeful and fussy I think a sling might be a nice thought.)

 

A doting grandma frequently spending time with a beloved grandchild, so mom can get out and have some fresh air and change of scenery just does not strike me as a problem.

 

Come to think of it, her parenting style sounds a lot like mine. I do understand that four hours of crying in a day sounds like a lot, but I don't know how accurate that number is (someone literally timing this kid?). Off the top of my head, my girls ate about every three to four hours, so let's say there were 6 to 8 feedings a day -- they probably cried/fussed for about ten to fifteen minutes before every feeding because they were getting hungry, waking up, etc, and quite possibly ten minutes after each feeding because they had a gas bubble or were unhappy with getting their diaper changed, etc. There's two hours of crying, right there. Throw in getting startled by a loud noise, or diaper rash, or colic . . .

 

And I have no problem with going on record and saying that I hated breastfeeding. Hated it with an intensity that I didn't know I possessed. So, formula was indeed an awesome and wonderful thing for my family (it also allowed me to leave my children with my mom *and* to sleep for four to six hours at a stretch, while my friends were literally attached to their babies for a minimum of four to six months -- I was perfectly content with my choice and hope that they were).

 

But to answer your original question: Yes, I am friends with people who parent WAY different than me. And no, it really has not been a problem. Live and let live. As long as their parenting styles don't create a situation that endangers my child, I don't see that it's an issue.

[Peela]

My friends are similar but not the same.

I dont know anyone IRL as extreme as letting a newborn cry a lot for their own good, or even anyone who "believes" in formula.

But I certainly have friends with slightly different values.

[Christy B]

Let me add, just to be safe: I agree that letting a 1 week old infant cry for four *consecutive* hours is unhealthy for all concerned, unless the child has some sort of colicky condition and the pediatrician has declared such a process safe.

[*********]

I believe in holding a newborn for long periods of time for bonding, she puts him down all the time and allows him to cry for at least 4 hours a day alone to learn independence.

 

:001_huh:

 

I'm sorry, I realize this isn't what you asked, but good grief, that just really caught my attention.

 

I haven't read all the replies, so excuse me if I repeat anyone.

 

I don't mean to offend anyone on here who agrees with this particular philosophy; really, I don't. But I've NEVER heard of that before, and I'd be VERY interested in how one comes to the conclusion that allowing a ONE WEEK OLD baby to cry for FOUR hours a day would help him learn independence. Um, do you really *want your one week old baby to be independent? For crying out loud, he can't even hold his head up yet! What in the world...

 

I'm sorry. That just struck me as so. I don't know. So very different from the way I think, I guess.

 

Maybe it's that this particular friend of yours has some beliefs or qualities that are becoming more apparent now that she's had a child, you know? Maybe it's more that you're getting to see ALL sides of her personality/way of thinking, now that she has 'mom' as another hat she wears.

 

Just my $.02

[Rosie_0801]

I couldn't be friends with people who's parenting seemed like gross neglect to me. I am friends/friendly with people who's parenting is a bit different to mine, or in one case, is downright lousy. Part of it depends on your and the other person's personality. Quite a few of my friends are happy to treat me and my crazy ideas as cute character foibles, not something to take personally. With others, our parenting ideals are much the same, but the road we're taking is slightly different, and in other cases, our parenting has little to do with our interactions. When you're sitting in a paddock with a bunch of people dressed in medieval clothes, issues such as tv, junk food, and freedom don't matter much. There isn't any tv or junk food and there's nowhere in particular for the kids to go.

 

Rosie

[mirth]

IWhen you're sitting in a paddock with a bunch of people dressed in medieval clothes, issues such as tv, junk food, and freedom don't matter much. There isn't any tv or junk food and there's nowhere in particular for the kids to go.

 

I am a little confused as to lifestyle musing above ... but as little as maybe 150 years ago, it was very common to drug babies (using laudanum -- opium) to quiet them for hours at a time. Adults used laudanum widely too.

 

I don't think any of my friends use laudanum to soothe, but I've seen some use Rescue Remedy for Kids. Is that some sort of abuse too?

[Ester Maria]

My baby beliefs are pretty similar to those of my friends, but we differ when the kids become older.

 

The first place when we part are "control" issues. I control my daughters WAY less than most of the people I know, and we're also physically WAY more apart than most other parents and kids. I leave them the entire summer (two months) in Italy with my parents. I send them for two or three weeks of winter break abroad too. When we're in different cities/countries, we don't even heard each other every single day (provided I know who they're with, of course; the situation is different if they're by my or my husband's family and if they're in a camp with people I don't know as well - in that case of course I call and make sure they're okay). When we're together, even then we allow a lot of personal space and don't force contact which doesn't come "naturally" (it's not like I'll call them to come to living room to socialize when somebody comes and things like that).

Most of my US friends couldn't IMAGINE raising elementary and middle schoolers that way; some of my Italian friends could and do something similar, but I guess I'm still the most extreme one.

 

The next point where we part is home life. I really don't require of them to do much around the house, which is again something my Italian friends are quite close to me, and my US friends not that much. Simply, even I wasn't raised with much emphasis on physical work around the house or too much chores (sure I had those, but they were mostly "symbolic", as are those of my daughters), so I don't raise them as responsible as are other kids I know with regards to that aspect (I would also consider it hypocrite to have a maid for most jobs and require of them to work much more past what they use). I also don't really make a fuss here and I'm not punitive in that aspect. Most of my US friends over here consider it terribly wrong and a bad note in my parenting ("You're raising them lazy! You're raising them without the appreciation for physical work!" etc.), most of my friends in Italy totally understand the point of view in which kids are being given only small symbolic work.

 

The third point are academics. I'm sort of merciless when it comes to this and it's one of the rare things I'll really make fuss about if it's not working properly (I can stand chores being postponed or an outburst of bad mood, and will not really mention it if it's not a big deal or a habit, but I CANNOT stand intellectual laziness in any way, shape or form). I also have very high criteria for both of them, because they're gifted and I want them to use those gifts rather than just "get by" with academics. Most of the homeschooling moms I know think I'm nuts when it comes to academics. I'm still convinced I do what's best for MY children.

 

The fourth point where we totally part is authority. I really don't have, nor have ever wanted to have, an authoritarian approach to parenting nor do I wish my children to see me as a figure of "authority". I also don't raise them to be good and obedient kids to various "authorities", good and silent citizens, and stuff like that. That doesn't mean that I will tolerate anarchy or lack of respect, I just don't like the aura of "authority", don't want it to be the mode I approach my children and don't want them to grow up with the feelings of guilt and need to obey whoever is on a higher position than they are. I don't have a "I'm your friend" approach, but I'm not their authority either. I never use a "Because *I* (Her Majesty Mother) said so" as an argument for anything, and I actively teach them to disqualify those as arguments when they hear them.

Needless to say, most of the parents I know think I'm nuts in that aspect. I still think there's more harm in raising overly obedient kids and raising kids on the principle of obeying and following a shepherd.

 

And finally, we often disagree when it comes to "bad stuff" (junk food, schund culture, you name it). I tend to allow everything in moderation and not make a big deal out it if it doesn't get out of control, most of the people I know have a preventive approach ("Let's not allow it so we're not even put in the situation that it might get out of control"). I tend to not have those extra layers of protection around the things I forbid, i.e. I explicitly forbid less things than most parents I know, and I tend to be somewhat flexible about "lesser evils".

 

While my approach might not be universal or applicable for every situation and every child, for us it's working.

So yes, I'm by default friends with people who parent differently. My closest friends though are quite similar.

Edited January 27, 2010 by Ester Maria

[Sputterduck]

I had two colicky babies that were champion criers. But I don't think they really started crying like that until they were 2 weeks old. It's been a long time since I had a brand new baby, so maybe my memory is off, but I didn't think mine were ever awake for more than a couple hours at a time when they were less than a week old. And, to me, listening to a baby cry without attending to her is waaaay different than trying to comfort an inconsolable baby.

 

That makes sense with colic. The typical week for colic to start is week 3.

 

My son has an issue from birth with feeding and was wide awake and slept very little. I have no idea how I survived. lol I do remember literally bouncing off the walls because I couldn't walk in a straight line I was so tired.

[samba2nite]

IRL I have NO one that shares my parenting style, goals or philosophy. I am on an island alone. I cringe when I listen to friends talk about their parenting approaches but they are theres not mine and thank god my children are not raised in their households.

 

I hold my children to a high bar and believe that they will rise to their expectations as they have and do. We have more fun in our daily life than anyone else around us. I am strict yet loving. We have boundries and guidleines....we have strong values and morals... We are not crunchy and are realists. Education and learning is HUGE in our house. Intergrity and Charactor are huge too. It is my goal to raise self sufficent children that will surive and thrive in the world when they leave the nest.

 

That being said, I was a schedule mom and still am. It is how I manage two sets of twins. My children like the predictablity of a schedule. They have been on them since birth and I too like the person mentioned feed my children on a schedule and not on demand. I also did not pick up my infants everytime they cried. You get know their cries... If you know that they are not hungry becuase you feed them 30 minutes ago and so their blood sugar is still fine and that their diapers are dry then they are okay. Babies do cry and will cry and heaven knows I had it in stereo with twins. I put my kids to sleep on a schedule and to this day they are the best sleepers I know. My early approach to parenting has paid off in my book with babies that ate healthy, developed on scheudle, slept through the night early on and always went to bed when it was bedtime and stayed in bed....things that my friends children did not and some still do not do.

 

There comes a point in life when you say que sera sera and let those that are different be different and learn to respect each others differences. I can agree to disagree.

 

samba

[Rosie_0801]

I am a little confused as to lifestyle musing above ...

 

We play SCA and spent our weekend sitting in a paddock with other people dressed in medieval clothes. People's views on how much tv to watch are not relevant under such circumstances. I'm not sure what you're confused about.

 

Rosie

[nd293]

I think it really depends on whether their values are abhorrent to you, or just not what you would do. For instance, for me, food issues and sleep issues are just matters of personal preference. But I feel much more strongly about crying-it-out and breastfeeding. I've been (good) friends with people who only breastfed for short periods of time, but I can't imagine being close to someone who things formula is best, or won't breastfeed because she thinks it asks too much of her. Our values would just be too different.

[stripe]

The next point where we part is home life. I really don't require of them to do much around the house, which is again something my Italian friends are quite close to me, and my US friends not that much. ...Most of my US friends over here consider it terribly wrong and a bad note in my parenting ("You're raising them lazy! You're raising them without the appreciation for physical work!" etc.), most of my friends in Italy totally understand the point of view in which kids are being given only small symbolic work.

Interesting. I find American parents' use of housework to be mostly symbolic, myself (take out the trash, take your dishes to the sink). My sisters-in-law could run the household -- and I do mean run it -- at 16, if not before. All meals included.

 

I've got a lot of acquaintances who parent differently from me. Most eat candy way more than my kids and watch tons of commercial TV. I sort of wish I had other kids to expose them to, but I'm not going to put myself into some judgment stew where I'm criticized for having dessert at a dinner party and a TV in the house, so I don't want militant friends of that persuasion either. I am taken aback (i.e. repulsed) by people who espouse frequent beatings, for example. I am a bit confused by people who talk about using formula in the hospital (i.e. the day the baby is born). But my own family has a lot of diversity, so I don't expect everyone to be in lock step.

 

Can't we all just get along?

[Caribbean Queen]

I could overlook the unnecessary C-section and "breastfeeding nazi" comment, but the 'independant crying' would be a deal breaker for me. We wouln't be friends.

[lincap]

I am still leaning on her having some PPD..

 

I appreciate all the comments. We'll see where this friendship goes.

[mirth]

We play SCA and spent our weekend sitting in a paddock with other people dressed in medieval clothes. People's views on how much tv to watch are not relevant under such circumstances. I'm not sure what you're confused about.

 

 

 

I just looked up SCA -- interesting!

 

Anyway, to answer the OP's question, yes I am "good acquaintances" with a number of folk who differ from me in many respects, parenting being one of them. But friends, of which I have only a few, are people who are similar to me or people whom I emulate. Put it this way -- I could not stand to be in a house chatting over coffee if there were a screaming infant in the background the whole time! I would help, or leave and simply could not take it.

[Hedgehogs4]

It would be extremely hard to watch something that extreme. :( I don't think I could do it. Let a week old cry for 4 hours alone? That borders on neglect, and I am not one to run around yelling neglect.

 

:iagree:

 

A one-week-old cannot learn "independence" and she is likely emotionally scarring her child. it would be very difficult for me to be friends with someone like that, except in the hope that I could help her become more sensitive to her child's needs. She sounds as if she resents the baby.

 

I am a retired La Leche League leader so this kind of info sends me over the edge. thankfully, however, my training helps me to listen and care and help without coming across as judgmental. I would pay attention to her in the next few weeks, keeping an eye out for any signs of ppd. just to be safe...and a good friend.

[Alicia64]

I think at this point in history, kids aren't going to be damaged from bottles or hospital births. I don't think forcing labor is such a great idea, but again, I would assume that a child can recover from it.

 

But letting him cry it out for 4 hours?? That's reprehensible.

 

I don't think the "cry it out" movement is emotionally or mentally healthy in any way for babies. I guess there are people who would say, "well, that's your opinion."

 

Not exactly. We know how babies bond. And it's not from being left to cry at the age of one week. Or even one year. (Heck, I'm an adult and I wouldn't want to be left alone to cry for 4 hrs. if I was actually crying out for someone.)

 

That's major neglect/abuse.

 

Alley

[ChristusG]

With friends, mothers tend to talk about their children and families a lot because that is their main focus at this time in their life. If the parenting choices are drastically different, I think it would make it pretty difficult to discuss most aspects of parenthood. I don't think I could be friends with someone who parents drastically different than I do.

[Katrina J]

:iagree:

 

A one-week-old cannot learn "independence" and she is likely emotionally scarring her child. it would be very difficult for me to be friends with someone like that, except in the hope that I could help her become more sensitive to her child's needs. She sounds as if she resents the baby.

 

 

:iagree: Like most others, I could deal with all the other stuff but not the crying. If this was an old friend, I'd hang in there and see if I could help.

 

On a similar note, a week ago I saw a mother leave a baby to cry in an aeroplane baby cot for the entire length of a really bad Jennifer Aniston movie - she took off her headphones and picked him up when the movie finished. She wasn't doing anything illegal and some might see it as a parenting choice, but I couldn't be friends with someone like that.

[TravelingChris]

I tend to not have friends who have little babies. My youngest is 13 and I have nothing really to add to the conversation about little ones. I also don't want conversations about sleeping through the night, feedings, diaperings, etc. I am much more interested in talking to parents with teenagers or adult children. That said, while it appears that I am different from the parents around me, I am not so sure that I am . For example, my daughter is on a team that meets at my house. Sometimes, she plays music while they work. We listen to all kinds of music but mostly she will play 80's and 90's dance music. The music isn't mature rated or however that rating goes. Come to find out that one of the girls lives in a household where they listen to only contemporary Christian music. So I talk with my daughter about this and she said, that's funny since she watches Hannah Montana and some other shows that certainly don't feature Christian music. Now my daughter likes some music for which I don't like the lyrics- I Believe in Miracles by Hot Chocolate comes to mind and she hasn;t been allowed to download that song just because she does play her music with her friends.

[stripe]

On a similar note, a week ago I saw a mother leave a baby to cry in an aeroplane baby cot for the entire length of a really bad Jennifer Aniston movie - she took off her headphones and picked him up when the movie finished.

! Wow. I'd imagine the popularity of "crying it out" would decrease if the rest of us had to listen to those cries.

 

I was actually astounded to be approached (as a presumed "expert") by a newly adoptive mother, who was alone and taking a young baby (not a newborn, but under 1 yr) back with her to the US on an international flight. While I found the incident strangely alarming (she didn't really have enough arms, so she kept sort of sticking the girl somewhere while she dug around in her purse for her passport), I was touched that she had the concern to ask me for suggestions on baby care on long flights, and that she thought I looked like I knew what I was doing! ha.

[katilac]

We play SCA and spent our weekend sitting in a paddock with other people dressed in medieval clothes. People's views on how much tv to watch are not relevant under such circumstances. I'm not sure what you're confused about.

 

Rosie

 

I'm pretty sure she was confused about why you were sitting in a paddock, dressed in medieval clothes, :D! It was a bit of a non-sequitur without the SCA info.

 

What strikes me about the original post is that this baby is one week old. While I wouldn't make many of the same choices, I'd hardly say that this mom's parenting style is chiseled in stone, or even that she's currently neglectful. Putting the baby in another room from midnight to 4 am to get four hours of sleep doesn't sound horrible to me, and I don't interpret it as "the baby cries for that four hours." I would assume the baby cries for a while, quiets for a while, and repeats. You don't have to go back many generations for this to be the norm for the entire night. This is four hours for a fed and diapered baby; not wholly unreasonable, imo.

 

I do think that the OP's pregnancy hormones might be kicking into overdrive here. If he's a week old, there was a day or so in the hospital, and apparently lots of help from grandma - the baby can't have been alone for too many lengthy periods. I'm not boarding the 'terrible mom' train based on formula feeding and letting him cry; I think it's way too soon to think neglect or PPD (not too soon for ppd, mind you, just too soon to think it based on info given).

 

As to the question, yes, I am friends with people who parent very differently. I would have been pretty hurt if someone ended a friendship with me because I breastfed both kids for longer than usual (far longer than usual in this neck of the woods), which many consider just as odd and/or harmful as letting a baby cry it out.

[Joanne]

Yes, now. It was more difficult when my children were younger.

[eternalknot]

 

 

How do I get past those issues and more to come? When she asked me what is the BEST formula, I just said "I have no idea, my kids never had any, ask your pedi".

 

 

 

You have to value the person, or the relationship, more than you do your ideologies. This is true of any differences, not just parenting. It's essentially a cost-benefit analysis of the relationship. Some people are worth it, however challenging it is to do. Some people we have a long enough history with (e.g., your brother) that our differences aren't as glaring.

 

Sometimes our ideologies will trump a relationship. That's acceptable, too, you just have to own it. It doesn't mean anybody is "right" or "wrong" - it simply means two people (and their ideologies) are incompatible. Happens often. No hard feelings need be dealt or felt.

 

Yes, I am friends with people who parent way differently than I do. My friends run the gamut from unschoolish consensual living types to authoritarian religious conservative types. They tend not to be friendly with each other, outside of my realm of influence (parties I plan and invite everyone to) but I personally haven't had a problem being friends with people whose ideologies differ from my own - on parenting, healthcare, politics, or anything.

Edited January 27, 2010 by eternalknot

[Goodallmomma]

Sounds to me like you are passing judgment on your friend. NONE of my friends or other homeschool moms parent just like I do. I have some friends who breastfeed, some who use formula. I have a friend that has had 4 natural childbirths at home, except her last which hospital born with an epidural. She also believes in her entire family sleeping in the same bed. Now in my home...that would never happen. Just because I wouldn't do it doesn't make her wrong or give me the right to judge her or feel any different about her. So what if your friend lets the baby "cry it out" ? My mom did with us. We turned out fine, no abandonment issues here. I have a hard time doing that with a newborn because I'm more of a softy then her. BUT once that baby reaches a certain age, heck yeah it can cry it out. Personally if a friend of mine was judging me so critically I'm not sure I'd consider them a friend. I think you should give your friend a break and be supportive of her choices. This kind of reminds me of how one of my oldest and dearest friend acts about my choice to homeschool. I don't look down on her for sending her son to PS. She also thinks my natural childbirth friend is a complete nut and will not even get around her. To me that is just silly. We weren't meant to all be alike. How boring would that be??

[Impish]

I stick better with friends whose basic parenting philosophies are similar to my own, including homeschooling. More to talk about, learn from each other, and not worry about the whole ps vs hs gig.

[Impish]

Sounds to me like you are passing judgment on your friend. NONE of my friends or other homeschool moms parent just like I do. I have some friends who breastfeed, some who use formula. I have a friend that has had 4 natural childbirths at home, except her last which hospital born with an epidural. She also believes in her entire family sleeping in the same bed. Now in my home...that would never happen. Just because I wouldn't do it doesn't make her wrong or give me the right to judge her or feel any different about her. So what if your friend lets the baby "cry it out" ? My mom did with us. We turned out fine, no abandonment issues here. I have a hard time doing that with a newborn because I'm more of a softy then her. BUT once that baby reaches a certain age, heck yeah it can cry it out. Personally if a friend of mine was judging me so critically I'm not sure I'd consider them a friend. I think you should give your friend a break and be supportive of her choices. This kind of reminds me of how one of my oldest and dearest friend acts about my choice to homeschool. I don't look down on her for sending her son to PS. She also thinks my natural childbirth friend is a complete nut and will not even get around her. To me that is just silly. We weren't meant to all be alike. How boring would that be??

I guess it depends, at least partly, on if you think leaving a wee baby cry it out for four hours, or, refuse to attend to baby's cries during a 4 hour window, which ever the case may be here, is neglect/abuse.

 

Personally, yeah, I'd judge the heck out of a friend I found out was abusing a child. Then call authorities.

 

I'm mean that way. Even if you don't think its abusive, you don't have to 'support' someone's choices that make your stomach turn either.

[Goodallmomma]

Four hours at a time? Is that even physically possible in a week old baby?

 

If I had to listen to my week old baby cry for 4 hours without trying to comfort her, you would have had to commit me. Seriously.

 

No it's not possible. The baby would pass out way before then.

[Goodallmomma]

I guess it depends, at least partly, on if you think leaving a wee baby cry it out for four hours, or, refuse to attend to baby's cries during a 4 hour window, which ever the case may be here, is neglect/abuse.

 

Personally, yeah, I'd judge the heck out of a friend I found out was abusing a child. Then call authorities.

 

I'm mean that way. Even if you don't think its abusive, you don't have to 'support' someone's choices that make your stomach turn either.

 

Okay, seriously? A week old baby can not possible cry non stop for 4 hours. It just doesn't happen. The baby would fall asleep way before then. I believe the OP meant 4 hours through out the day. Not at one time.

Edited January 27, 2010 by Goodallmomma