Need advice about dc sharing a room

[GWOB]

Help me work through this situation! We have 3 dc, dd9, ds6 (almost 7), and dd2 1/2. We live in a four bedroom house. Currently, each child has their own room.

 

A few months ago I was at a hs moms meeting. One of the ladies, for whom I have a tremendous amount of respect, shared that she had her four children of mixed genders sleeping in the same room. That room was used for sleeping only. They had a separate playroom, but they all slept in the same room. I told my dh about it, we thought it sounded neat, and dropped the subject for a while.

 

The subject has come up again. Dd 2 1/2 has apparently decided she no longer likes her own bed. She will wake up in the middle of the night and crawl into be with either us, dd9, or ds6. We thought about getting her (dd2) a pretty new bed and linens, hoping she would stay in bed. Dd9 said she kinda liked it when dd2 slept with her. So, we talked about the two dds sharing a room. Not to be left out, ds would like to be with them as well. We talked about it and have tentatively decided to move them all into the same room.

 

I do have a few questions for anyone who has done this.

 

What is your set-up? Does each dc get a twin bed? Bunk beds? One bunk bed + one loft?

 

How does each child get personal space?

 

Do they actually sleep at night?

 

Am I crazy for even considering this?

 

Help me thing through this! Thanks.

[Haiku]

What is your set-up? Does each dc get a twin bed? Bunk beds? One bunk bed + one loft?

 

How does each child get personal space?

 

Do they actually sleep at night?

 

Am I crazy for even considering this?

 

 

My kids share a room. They have loft beds. They can hang sheets on them and go underneath for "personal space." They can go to separate rooms in the house for "personal space." They can go outside for "personal space."

 

I share a room with my dh and no one ever asks me how I get "personal space" while sharing a room. :tongue_smilie:

 

Yes, my kids sleep at night. They go to bed, read for a while, have a lights-out time, and fall asleep. Occasionally they talk for a while or get loud, and we just tell them to pipe down, it's sleeping time.

 

In much of the rest of the world, everyone sleeps together. It's a Western thing to have the idea that everyone needs their own room for "privacy" and "personal space." It's cultural.

 

Tara

[OneRoomSchoolHouse]

We have always felt that sharing a room was important for bonding. We have designated boy and girls rooms. Our girls each have their own double beds, but when dd(3) moved from her crib to a bed, she would cry at night. To remedy the situation, dd(8) told dd(3) she would share her bed. So, the girls sleep together everynight and they each seem to sleep better together than apart. I think it's really cute because dd(8) reads a book to dd(3) everynight before bed...it's one of their special times together.

 

I hadn't thought of putting ds in with the girls. The occasions where they have been in the same room at night (have guests over and dd's give up their room) has caused them all to stay up giggling and chatting and takes hours for them to go to sleep. I'm just not sure about privacy issues with boys and girls in the same room. I would think that at puberty they would need to have a boys and girls room.

[GWOB]

My kids share a room. They have loft beds. They can hang sheets on them and go underneath for "personal space." They can go to separate rooms in the house for "personal space." They can go outside for "personal space."

 

I share a room with my dh and no one ever asks me how I get "personal space" while sharing a room. :tongue_smilie:

 

Yes, my kids sleep at night. They go to bed, read for a while, have a lights-out time, and fall asleep. Occasionally they talk for a while or get loud, and we just tell them to pipe down, it's sleeping time.

 

In much of the rest of the world, everyone sleeps together. It's a Western thing to have the idea that everyone needs their own room for "privacy" and "personal space." It's cultural.

 

Tara

 

Thanks for the quick response. I am starting to think it is cultural as well. And your are right about sharing a room with dh. No one thinks that is weird.

 

Now, we have discussed making one room a sleeping room. Only sleeping and quiet reading are allowed in there. We would move their toys into another room, which would become the playroom. Finally, we could use the last room as a schoolroom, which is what I really, really want. Also, we considered letting the kids keep their current closets. That could be their changing areas.

[mommylawyer]

We have 4 children: the girls share a room and once the baby is old enough, he will move from mommy and daddy's bed to the boys' room. The kids sleep on bunk beds.

 

For personal space, no one is allowed on anyone else's bed without permission from the bed "owner." With four kids, I believe each needs their own space for what little privacy they get.

 

We don't have a playroom in our house. I don't find playrooms to be necessary, personally. The kids have 2 bedrooms between the four of them - to me, that equals 2 play rooms. Not to mention, it isn't as though they don't play all over the house as it is.

[*********]

Thanks for the quick response. I am starting to think it is cultural as well. And your are right about sharing a room with dh. No one thinks that is weird.

 

Now, we have discussed making one room a sleeping room. Only sleeping and quiet reading are allowed in there. We would move their toys into another room, which would become the playroom. Finally, we could use the last room as a schoolroom, which is what I really, really want. Also, we considered letting the kids keep their current closets. That could be their changing areas.

 

Like Tara said, it really *is cultural. We have personal friends who were missionaries to India last year, and hope to return eventually. They all slept in the same room. They had three beds pushed side by side, and they all slept in there; mom, dad, three kids (a boy, 4, and two girls, around 7 and 8 at the time, I believe), and a three month old newborn. They sent pictures; it looked, um, cozy for sure. :) But they said in India, that's just what people do. They don't think it's odd for the whole family to share a room.

 

Now, I didn't have the nerve to ask about, um, 'private time' for mom and dad. I mean, they have four kids for a reason. ;) I just didn't figure it was proper for me to ask that. But, you know, I guess it all works itself out. Just like if you have a co-sleeping child, or whatever. You find a way to get your 'personal time'. :)

 

But I've gone a bit off track from your original post, haven't I... :D

 

I say, if your three kids want to share a room, give it a try. I'm sure the first bit or so, they'll talk more, and stay up a bit. But the newness will wear of soon enough, and they'll fall in to a routine I bet. And then after a month or so, get some feedback from them; see how they like it. I mean, if someone's not happy, furniture can always be rearranged again. And when someone hits puberty, or for some other reason feels they need a change, just keep the communication open. We all know that parenting is a string of 'seasons'; just as soon as you get settled into a routine, it seems like they go and change on you.

[Impish]

Depends on where you are. I know in Ontario, Children's Services would be very upset about opposite genders sharing a room, and even if there was more than a 5 year age gap of the same gender sharing, it was an issue for them.

 

Here, they don't care that Diva (11) and Princess (3) share a room, but for fostering, I'd only be allowed to have a boy around Tazzie's age to share a room with him. Foster children are NOT allowed to have a bedroom in the basement.

 

That's why we're not applying to adopt/foster right now. We don't have the room. We do have a spare room in the basement, and could give the girls our room, making room for another bed or bunk beds, but not allowed to have a child we adopt/foster in the basement. We even suggested US taking the basement, and that was frowned upon...they want the parents on the same level.

[GWOB]

Depends on where you are. I know in Ontario, Children's Services would be very upset about opposite genders sharing a room, and even if there was more than a 5 year age gap of the same gender sharing, it was an issue for them. That is lame.

Here, they don't care that Diva (11) and Princess (3) share a room, but for fostering, I'd only be allowed to have a boy around Tazzie's age to share a room with him. Foster children are NOT allowed to have a bedroom in the basement. Wehave no plans to foster at this time.

That's why we're not applying to adopt/foster right now. We don't have the room. We do have a spare room in the basement, and could give the girls our room, making room for another bed or bunk beds, but not allowed to have a child we adopt/foster in the basement. We even suggested US taking the basement, and that was frowned upon...they want the parents on the same level. We would all be on the same level.

 

 

So, for now, we will just out them all together. I doubt my state's child services would care. They are still trying to work out the mess they created last year with the ill-planned Safe Haven law.

[*********]

Depends on where you are. I know in Ontario, Children's Services would be very upset about opposite genders sharing a room, and even if there was more than a 5 year age gap of the same gender sharing, it was an issue for them.

 

Here, they don't care that Diva (11) and Princess (3) share a room, but for fostering, I'd only be allowed to have a boy around Tazzie's age to share a room with him. Foster children are NOT allowed to have a bedroom in the basement.

 

That's why we're not applying to adopt/foster right now. We don't have the room. We do have a spare room in the basement, and could give the girls our room, making room for another bed or bunk beds, but not allowed to have a child we adopt/foster in the basement. We even suggested US taking the basement, and that was frowned upon...they want the parents on the same level.

 

 

Hmm, Impish makes a good point here...

 

Several years ago, the mother of my stepchildren took dh to court. She was trying to get more time with her kids, which of course meant they spent less time with their dad.

 

Dss was 7, dsd was 10.

 

Their mother's argument for them needing more time at her house was because they were both in (brick and mortar) school full time, and she didn't get to see them as much as she'd like. The only other argument she had was that they each had their own rooms at her house, and (gasp) had to share a room at dad's.

 

The judge actually gave my dh MORE time with the kids, as he didn't quite care for their mother's attempt to restrict their time with their father. The judge felt they already didn't have enough time with dad, and they should have more. HOWEVER, the judge's only negative comment to my dh was that the children were 'starting to get too old to share a room', since they were not the same gender. :001_huh: Dh and did not think that at 7 and 10, it was old enough to be an issue. Of course, dh told the judge that he would get the children their own rooms, however he explained that at the time, we were still renting an apartment, and were bound by our lease until it ran out, but that we were looking to buy our first home. The judge seemed fine with that, and we did in fact buy our first home and have the children in their own rooms within a year or so.

 

All that long winded story to say, if you have any reason to worry about the legal system looking in to your family (adoption, divorce/custody issues, or even, unfortuanately, a neighbor or relative who 'disapproves' enough to call CPS), it's someting to consider. Which I think is absurd, but it's reality.

[Impish]

I didn't say it made sense or was reasonable, just that CPS can object, if they were ever called to your home. Heck, someone can call on any basis, kwim?

 

I just wanted you to have a heads up about it. Its not just about fostering/adopting, but about bio kids too.

[scrapbookbuzz]

My kids (dd 11 and ds 5) share a room because there is no other option. We live in a 2 bedroom townhouse that we moved into when dd was 7 months old. If I'd known what I was doing back then (I didn't), I would have thought ahead and at least looked for a 3 bedroom house! :)

 

Regardless, this is where we are. We do not have the money, credit, or other resources to go out looking for a 'bigger' house just so the kids can have their own room. I am thankful for my Armenian neighbor who brought up the subject of how he and all his siblings (including sisters) had to share a room while growing up in Lebanon. Along with this he wondered why so many Americans looked askance at this type of situation. It really made me think about it more thoroughly. PLUS, it's often how American pioneers had to do things, as well.

 

As for personal space, I have each dc take a 'Quiet Time' in the early afternoon. Some times I make ds take a nap in my room but most days I let them both take their Quiet Time in their room.

 

Hope that helps you in some way!:001_smile:

[LittleIzumi]

I only have girls so far but they share a room, and they usually share a bed. Dd2 has her own little bed but climbs in with her sister almost every night, so often we just put her pillow and blanket in with her sister anyway. :001_smile:

[ChristusG]

I think that sharing rooms is fine. I hate society's stigma about the whole thing.....it is really sad. Right now the four of us sleep in one room. DD5 is in a small bed in our bedroom while DD2 sleeps in the bed with us.

 

When they want their own room, they will share it. I really think that it promotes bonding. If they want to share a bed, that will be fine too.

 

I know that I only have girls, but I see no problem with sons as well.

[VA6336]

We just moved the almost-two year old boy out of our room and into his sisters' room. We live in a two bedroom, so our choices are a bit limited! So what we have is a almost-6 year old girl sleeping on a loft twin bed, with a 4 year old girl on a toddler bed (she's really small for her age) and an almost-two year old boy on a toddler bed. The toddler beds fit very nicely under the loft bed.

 

The girls have shared a room for a few years and are used to it, but it's been a big adjustment for "the baby." They're all still excited about the change and a week later are still having trouble settling down at night to sleep. We have strict lights-out policies at bedtime and don't allow reading or playing after we tuck them in. We tried letting them have a short window for quiet reading/talking/etc time after putting them in bed but that gets them more riled up rather than settling them down. So expect some time for adjustment! We thought about having the girls share a bed, but don't want to deal with the adjustment time it would take them to start really sleeping.

 

Their private space is their bed, not really necessary for the 2-4 year olds, but the almost 6 is really glad to finally have her own "space" up on the loft bed. She's ready to start taking responsibility for her own "stuff" so this works out nicely that there's a place for her to do that.

 

When we were looking for a loft bed, I did see that there are loft bed "systems" with two twin beds lofted and space for two twins underneath. That way you might be able to keep some of their stuff in the bedroom.

[Jen in PA]

DD6 and DS4 share a room, and usually share a bed -- they used to sleep separately, but prefer to cuddle now, so DS's bed is usually just a place for stuffed animals to live. Sharing a room means we get to have a den with a reading couch, art easels, and a spare computer for their educational games. We also keep board games and the book overflow in there. Since there is another physical space to go when they are awake, I've never noticed a problem with them needing more personal space during the day.

[mrs.m]

Going against what everyone else has said, sorry I just think differenly. I don't think my DD9 would go for that. She wants her privacy for changing clothes and all that other girly stuff. Have you asked your DD what she thinks? I had to share a room with my brother at that age because of circumstances that made it where we had to live in a two bedroom house. I hated it. I always had to change in the bathroom and carry my clothes up and down the hall. I didn't have the privacy I longed for to remain modest about the girly changes that were occuring. It's one thing if you don't have a choice and your child hasn't known anything else. It's a different story if you have the space and you are taking space away from your child.

[littlebug42]

My girls shared a room for several years but for us, it just did not work. Their personalities are so vastly different that they each wanted their own rooms. Bedtimes and everything are much smoother now that they each have a little down time from each other prior to bed and they can each have the environment the way they like it for sleep, which is completely different from each other. I do miss the early mornings when they shared rooms though. I could lay in bed and just listen to their little voices as they had their conversation. The girls remain very close but I think having their own space has actually enabled them to be closer.

[kmacnchs]

Going against what everyone else has said, sorry I just think differenly. /QUOTE]I agree with Jannylynn as far as males and females.

 

Our girls share a room (bunk beds) and our son has his own room. They sleep fine at night but are in separate rooms for naps b/c dd1 does not sleep but dd2 NEEDS to and b/c we have an extra room with a bed.

 

The changing thing is not an issue for us right now but I concur that it is important for modesty that girls have rooms separate from boys at certain ages. Then again, we do not let our girls see me change my son's diaper nor do they take a bath with him (unless it is just for fun and he has a swim diaper on). I know many think me extreme but that is just how I am (and have always been) - EXTREMELY MODEST

 

Our girls sleep separately from our boy right now only b/c he is a baby and I don't want them to wake them up in the middle of the night with their talking/snoring/whatever else they do :)

[katilac]

My dds, 9 & 11, have always shared a room. We will be moving them to separate rooms this year (so no more playroom).

 

The main thought I would have in your situation is that you have to consider that it might only last for a couple for a couple of years, particularly the brother sharing the room. Then you will cry if you have to give up your schoolroom, lol! I would try to arrange things for the long-term, b/c I wouldn't want to redo everthing in 2 years. Can you put a bed or loft bed in the toyroom for future use? Or a futon? You wouldn't necessarily need 3 beds in the bedroom right now even if they all sleep there; my dds each have a twin bed but often sleep together (and they will probably continue! getting their own rooms is more about privacy while dressing, alone time when needed, and neat vs. messy, :D).

[TxMama]

My kids share rooms from birth until the tween years. My olders separated when they were in the 10-12 yo range and my younger kids show no interest in separating.

 

My mom has a bunk bed set up (full on bottom and twin on top) with a pull out bed underneath. She sleeps 4 grandkids without a problems.

 

We did twin beds and they all sleep fine.

[The Governess]

I would go ahead and do it but make sure that you have the option to switch ds out of the room at some point. I think the best solution would be to buy a bunk bed that has a twin on top, full on the bottom, with a trundle underneath. Your ds could sleep on the top bunk, and your two dds could share the full bed. If they need some "space" your dd2 can sleep on the trundle. Get a bed that breaks down into two separate beds so if at some point you want to put them back in separate rooms you can take the bed apart.

[Haiku]

She wants her privacy for changing clothes and all that other girly stuff.

 

Not to make light of what you've said, but people ask me this all the time: "What will you do when your kids don't want to change in front of each other?"

 

Well, my kids already don't want to. They just change at separate times. In the morning, one changes while the other brushes teeth/takes vitamins, and then they switch. It's not really any different than sharing a bathroom: "What do you do when you don't want to shower/pee in front of someone else?" Well, you go in alone and shut the door. :)

 

My kids also have a rest time each day. One rests in the bedroom and one rests in the family room. They take turns, so everyone gets some private time in their room. The kids are also allowed to ask me to spend some alone time in my room (which they rarely ask for). It really has not been a problem for us at all, yet. We have discussed with the kids that, should they choose to have their own rooms, we would turn the family room into another bedroom, but thus far they have said they prefer to share a room and have an extra room to play in.

 

I really still think it's cultural. If kids are socialized to think they need/deserve their own room for privacy, they will believe they do. I know it's hard, though, because even if it's the norm in your (collective you) home to share, it's probably not the norm among their friends (although I find that homeschool families are more likely to have kids share rooms than my oldest child's ps friends).

 

Tara

Edited January 20, 2010 by TaraTheLiberator

[amsunshine]

We only have 2 girls, but they do share a bedroom. We also have a playroom/schoolroom where all their toys and school supplies are. We have a third bedroom, but we keep it as a guest bedroom as my in laws come stay with us often. It works well and I love that they are really bonding as sisters -- I think sharing a room helps with that. I love hearing the giggling at night before they fall asleep. :)

[mrs.m]

Tara, it was more about the development that was occuring than the actual inconvenience of changing clothes. I had to hide "stuff" like my bras and other girly things I didn't want my brother to know about. My Mom knew I was struggling with these feelings and helped as much as she could because the situation couldn't change. I don't think you have reached this stage yet with your children. And I notice that many of the other's that have replied to this thread have younger children that probably wouldn't mind. My DD didn't mind until she turned 7 and then she started to request bath time alone. I'm not sure how our culture would have impacted her decision in this. I think that it is built in to our own nature to keep our bodies private.

 

I'm not saying that you shouldn't do this. Your kids may not care. I just think if you are in a situation where you can provide private space, you should ask their opinion and be prepared to change when they get older. If you have a child who is very sensitive to modesty issues then that should be respected.

 

I don't believe that just because it is ok in other cultures and the norm, that means that it is good for children. They don't have a choice in how they live. And if you look at the wealthy in many of those cultures the children usually do have their own space.

[The Girls' Mom]

I have all girls, but currently they all share a room. Up until very recently, my oldest had always had her own room. She wasn't happy about the new arrangement at first, but she didn't have a choice. (We've moved to a smaller, temporary house, and we've all had to compromise on things) But NOW she talks about when we buy our house how she still wants to share a room with her sisters. The twins have always shared a room, and a bed (by choice) and can't imagine it any other way.

 

And on the modesty/privacy thing. My girls do NOT like to undress in front of each other, even though they are all girls. It's just not an issue...they dress in the bathroom.

[*********]

Not to make light of what you've said, but people ask me this all the time: "What will you do when your kids don't want to change in front of each other?"

 

Well, my kids already don't want to. They just change at separate times. In the morning, one changes while the other brushes teeth/takes vitamins, and then they switch. It's not really any different than sharing a bathroom: "What do you do when you don't want to shower/pee in front of someone else?" Well, you go in alone and shut the door. :)

 

My kids also have a rest time each day. One rests in the bedroom and one rests in the family room. They take turns, so everyone gets some private time in their room. The kids are also allowed to ask me to spend some alone time in my room (which they rarely ask for). It really has not been a problem for us at all, yet. We have discussed with the kids that, should they choose to have their own rooms, we would turn the family room into another bedroom, but thus far they have said they prefer to share a room and have an extra room to play in.

 

I really still think it's cultural. If kids are socialized to think they need/deserve their own room for privacy, they will believe they do. I know it's hard, though, because even if it's the norm in your (collective you) home to share, it's probably not the norm among their friends (although I find that homeschool families are more likely to have kids share rooms than my oldest child's ps friends).

 

Tara

 

Again, Tara makes some good points. When my dss and dsd were 7 and 10 and shared a room, they just took turns changing. Dsd needed to get dressed, she just asked her brother to go out for a minute so she could get dressed. I really didn't think it was a big deal. They did have their own walk in closet and a bathroom right outside their door as well, so they could have used those if they wanted to.

 

I also agree with the second bolded part. My dss has his own room at his mom's house, and he has his own room here. So does my dsd. My two little boys, Moose and Zee, share a room. At first, I thought it was a bit absurd that we have two bedrooms that sit empty over half the time, while the two little boys 'have' to share a room. But actaully, everyone loves it this way. Dss would feel *very put out if he had to share a room with even just Zee, let alone both his little brothers, seeing as he is both a)12 years old and going through puberty, and b) very used to having his own room at his mom's. And as far as Moose and Zee, they have no desire to be separated. We've talked about changing sleeping arangements in a 'family meeting' sort of way before, but it turns out that all the kids are quite happy with the way things are. Moose and Zee don't 'get' why they woudn't want to share a room, and dss is more than a little sure that he enjoys having his own room.

 

Good thing we have the room right now to accomodate everyone! We're hoping in the future, after dsd graduates, to downsize. However, that may cause such an issue with dss that we will wait a few extra years. We wouldn't want him to feel unwelcome here at dad's because he doesn't have his own room like at his mom's. I mean, dh and I *wish he wanted to share with his brothers, but such is life in a separated family, ya know?

[The Girls' Mom]

Tara, it was more about the development that was occuring than the actual inconvenience of changing clothes. I had to hide "stuff" like my bras and other girly things I didn't want my brother to know about.

 

Hmm...I wouldn't have thought about that. Although, I know it wouldn't be an issue at our house. We all do ALL the laundry, cleaning of bathrooms, etc. and those things wouldn't be secret items anyway. (And weren't in the homes dh and I grew up in.) But I guess I could see that if that weren't the case in your home, then it would be an issue.

[mrs.m]

Apryl, I would not have been so uncomfortable about it if I was sharing a room with another girl. To me it would be normal for them to see those things.

 

But my teenage brother when I was younger? NO WAY! Great material for teasing!

Edited January 20, 2010 by jannylynn
typo

[GWOB]

Going against what everyone else has said, sorry I just think differenly. I don't think my DD9 would go for that. She wants her privacy for changing clothes and all that other girly stuff. Have you asked your DD what she thinks? I had to share a room with my brother at that age because of circumstances that made it where we had to live in a two bedroom house. I hated it. I always had to change in the bathroom and carry my clothes up and down the hall. I didn't have the privacy I longed for to remain modest about the girly changes that were occuring. It's one thing if you don't have a choice and your child hasn't known anything else. It's a different story if you have the space and you are taking space away from your child.

 

Oh, I would never even consider this of dd9 was not on board. She expressed a desire to share a room with her little sister. When we discussed this with ds, he said he wanted to share with the girls. Dd9 thought that was a great idea. They often have "sleepovers" in each others rooms. As far as changing, they could each have their own private closets where their clothes are kept and in which they could change.

[bunnytracks]

I don't think it is weird. We call it musical bedrooms in our house because everyone changes where they sleep all the time. I am a mom of 5 and live in a 4 bedroom house, a bunk bed in each kid bedroom (daddy and I like to sleep on a queen ;)) some could have a room to themselves but no one wants it. Each child has tried it and no one will stay more than a night. :confused: They enjoy sleeping together. They sleep more hours when they sleep in the same room than when they are alone. We never deal with nightmares. I think they just feel so much more secure knowing they are not alone.

 

 

The personal space is something that I don't think my kids have discovered yet. No one has ever complained of needing alone time and on the rare occasion that is does occur they always look lost and complain of being bored.

 

 

Oh and I thought I would put in there since someone mentioned CPS. I have a very good friend that does child protection services and that is not the kind of stuff she is worried about. She knows our sleeping arrangements and still tells me I am a great mom. I hardly think that you could lose your kids based only on sleeping arrangements.

[MamaSheep]

I only have 2 and they each have their own room. If they were the same gender I would probably have them share, but I think keeping the sexes separate promotes modesty and is good practice, even if it is a "cultural thing".

 

Growing up, I shared a room with my 2 sisters, and my 4 brothers shared another room. There were various combinations of bedding--we three girls shared a queen sized bed for a while, then we had the queen and a twin when we got too big (and I could not sleep with my sister the starfish sticking her hands in my face and kicking me all night). When we were even older, Dad built us a really amazing triple-decker bunk bed that had curtains that closed and individual tilting headboards and reading lights, as well as a shelf for an alarm clock, glass of water, book, etc. The boys went through similar iterations of bedding arrangements, and I think they got the triple bunk after I went off to college. (But Mom changed out the frilly pink and white curtains for something a little more masculine...lol.) I do think that sharing a room growing up helped me to adjust better to college roommates, and sharing a room with my husband. Some of the girls in the dorm had the most ridiculous spats, just because they were not used to having to share a bedroom and/or bathroom, but I could focus on other things because I'd already been taught to schedule around other people's morning showers and so forth (we only had one bathroom at our house for all 9 of us). And I know that dh had a hard time adjusting to sharing space, even though he was in love with his new roomie (me) because he'd never even had to share a room growing up, and after he left home he always had his own apartment.

 

Regarding private time and space, I think it really depends on the child. One of my sisters didn't really care, the other one hated to be alone, and I have always, always craved my own little space and plenty of alone time. My parents actually moved all my clothes and "stuff" into a hall closet that was big enough to hold my dresser and cedar chest along with a clothes rod--because I would literally get a little nutty if I didn't have my alone place. I would go in there and curl up on my cedar chest with a good book or just sit and think sometimes, without anyone else around, and that was the only thing that helped me really feel rejuvenated. It helped a little when we got the beds with curtains. But I always have needed that little space and time. I have even carved out little Mom corners in the houses we've lived in, and made arrangements with dh for me to have an evening all alone at regular intervals, because without these things I get burned out really fast and cannot recover. But I have also observed that some people recharge through intense socializing, or through quiet "together time" with family or good friends. (I like those things very much, but they do not recharge me.) So I really think it depends on the person. But if you wind up with a child who legitimately has that "need" to be alone sometimes, PLEASE don't disregard it as a cultural idiosyncracy. It might be a legitimate requirement for that person's mental health.

[mycalling]

We have 5 in one area now and did have 9 in the same area. I say area because it's half of the upstairs, which is all open, and not an actual bedroom. The kids love it. DH and I don't because of the talking half the night. The kids up there now are: 12dd, 8ds, 7ds, 4ds, and 4dd. We had an extra 9yo b, 8yo g, 7yo b, and 6yo b up there for over 7mo.

 

The girls are on one side and the boys on the other with a divider of dressers. We plan to divide the area into a family closet, 2 boys' bedrooms, and a girl's bedroom. I think the boys will want to keep their rooms undivided, but the playing is crazy after bedtime. It's hard to separately punish the ones who are instigating and the younger ones don't care about punishments that happen the next day.

[Haiku]

I don't believe that just because it is ok in other cultures and the norm, that means that it is good for children.

 

I see what you are saying, I just have the opposite opinion. Just because th wealthier people do it doesn't mean that it's good for children. I think that more communal living situations (on a micro and macro level) are more beneficial.

 

But my teenage brother when I was younger? NO WAY! Great material for teasing!

 

ETA: The more I think about the sharing a room issue and my opinion about it, the more I see it as an extension of the lifestyle (including homeschooling) that I have chosen. Our family really goes against the cultural grain that pushes family out of the central position in our lives. My younger kids don't leave the house for large portions of the day to attend school (my oldest does, but that's due to circumstances beyond my control). We eat dinner as a family every night, even if it means moving dinnertime to accomodate an activity or skipping an activity to accomodate dinner. I don't go out of my way to ensure that my kids socialize with other kids (I don't restrict it, but I'm not of the opinion that kids need a lot of socialization time with peers). And, my kids share a room and are expected to make it work. I don't expect that it will always be harmonious. Indeed, occasionally one of them says they want their own room. But if my son were to tease my daughter about bras/pads, or my daughter were to tease my son about some boy thing, that is the issue I would address. Family comes first and my kids are expected to treat each other kindly and not intentionally embarrass one another.

 

I am not saying any of these things aren't true in your house. Maybe I will get my comeuppance when my kids are older. I struggle with getting my older child to treat the younger ones appropriately (oldest dd, who is in high school, was raised in an orphanage) and she has declared firmly that she would NEVER share a room with dd7 if it came to that (my heartless reply was, "Well, you would be welcome to sleep on the couch."). It just comes down to the family climate I am trying to build. Teasing about bras and pads and the like would be addressed for the issue it was and family unity would be stressed.

 

Tara

Edited January 20, 2010 by TaraTheLiberator

[Old Dominion Heather]

My three boys share a room and probably will continue to until they leave home. We have a bunk bed and a double/full bed. They switch around beds when they feel like it... right now we have the 10yo and the 4yo in the double/full and the 7yo in the top bunk. The 4yo hates to sleep alone, so the older two take turns sleeping in the big bed with him.

 

I think sharing a room is great for kids... they learn to have respect for each other but also to help each other out. The room also holds all their toys, so they have a clean-up every night before bed. They read for an hour or so and then turn out the light. The 4yo is usually asleep by the time the light is turned out.

 

The large bedroom that the boys are in is one of the reasons we bought this house. We knew we wanted them to share a room and didn't want to have one kid on his own. The room is big enough for three or four kids and has a bathroom and walk in closet. There is only one other bedroom in the house.

[Heidi]

My kids share a room. A bunk-bed for the bigs and a toddler bed for dd1.5. I put the dd1.5 to bed an hour earlier than the big girls because she tends to want to play with them if they are there.

I have a three bedroom home. The third bedroom is the baby's room (due to be born TODAY... but not coming today). When he starts sleeping through the night I might move him in with the girls and maybe get another bunk bed? Use the baby's room for a school room? Or have another baby... Not really sure. But I do like the idea of the kids sharing. It is a sleep/read/dress only room. We have a playroom downstairs, which they never use, of course.

I shared with my sister growing up, then shared with roommates, now I share with my husband. You learn a lot from sharing.

[stripe]

I think it depends. If you are from a culture where this is comfortable for you, OR if this is a practice you would like to emulate, I think that's one thing. But one shouldn't feel compelled to do something that is uncomfortable for them. (Which I don't think anyone on here was suggesting!)

 

But I think it's healthy to examine why we do something, even if we end up sticking with the same thing, we should think about our reasons for doing something more clearly.

 

That being said, many places where many people share one room, there is a serious shortage of living space AND people spend very little waking time in their rooms. (I have observed this with my own eyes.) There is more participation in group/family activities, rather than each person off by him/herself in a room alone, so privacy is not a major aspect of life to be stressed. This is not, by the way, the same thing as modesty and desire to have privacy while changing clothes vs nudists or something. Obviously, arrangements need to be kept in mind, like taking turns or using the bathroom or something else, for changing.

[mrs.m]

But if my son were to tease my daughter about bras/pads, or my daughter were to tease my son about some boy thing, that is the issue I would address. Family comes first and my kids are expected to treat each other kindly and not intentionally embarrass one another.

 

I am not saying any of these things aren't true in your house. Maybe I will get my comeuppance when my kids are older.

 

It was addressed many times and he would get into a decent amount of trouble for it. My mom and dad did their best! It doesn't mean that he didn't do it when my parents weren't around to address the issue (they didn't live in our bedroom!) and the fact that it was even brought up was enough to make me feel like I needed to work to maintain my privacy. Your children may never do that to each other. Hopefully they will always be respectful towards each other.

 

We have dinner together and do all the things you listed. My children even will set up a tent and spend the night together. But the point is that they are willing doing this. When my DD is no longer comfortable with it, then she can stay in her own room. I think it is also important to teach children about boundaries even if that is within a family. When it comes to modesty I prefer they go with what their hearts are telling them and feel that our home is a place that their choice for modesty will always be respected.

[The Girls' Mom]

Apryl, I would not have been so uncomfortable about it if I was sharing a room with another girl. To me it would be normal for them to see those things.

 

But my teenage brother when I was younger? NO WAY! Great material for teasing!

 

I knew you meant brother ;) I never had sisters so I can't even really relate to sharing with a girl...other than what I've seen with my dds. I just know it wasn't a big deal around my brother. My dh and I just never were in families that were very modest I guess..lol.

[justamouse]

I have four kids in one room, two boys and two girls. I've never had a problem with it-but it was a necessity. We're moving soon and I'll be separating them, two boys in one room and three girls in another. They get along because they have to. I don't allow siblings to treat eachother with disrespect, but I also try to nip angry feelings in the bud. Yes, they get in disagreements here and there-but not horrible, just them being young and giving into selfishness. On a whole I love how close they are and it's something I work very hard to grow.

[Heather in Neverland]

We are pretty "communal" here as well. My oldest ds slept in our bed until my youngest ds came along (then he moved to a mattress on the floor next to our bed). When ds#2 got too big to sleep in our bed (not too old, too large!), we moved a second twin mattress in the room. So dh and I slept on the bed and the two boys slept next to the bed for several years.

 

We just now moved them out because of the new baby (she is now in our room) and we didn't want to be tripping over mattresses during nighttime feedings. But the boys share a room.

 

However, in your situation, I would do it but look at it as temporary because at some point you will need to put your ds in a different room. When? That's up to you. You will know when it is time.

[eternalknot]

 

What is your set-up? Does each dc get a twin bed? Bunk beds? One bunk bed + one loft?

 

How does each child get personal space?

 

Do they actually sleep at night?

 

Am I crazy for even considering this?

 

Help me thing through this! Thanks.

 

I grew up in a home like the one your friend described. I didn't have my own bed until I moved away for college, and when I came home for visits it was back to bedsharing during my stay. I don't think any of us thought anything of it until we moved away, for college or marriage. It's just how things were, and how we assumed all families did things. (We grew up in an ethnic neighborhood, though, where it was more common than not).

 

I come from a larger family, so the concept of "personal space" wasn't something I became familiar with until I married someone who grew up very differently than I did. My family still doesn't really make a big deal of personal space, to the frustration of the people who marry into our family LOL. I guess none of us have ever felt a huge need for it, or perhaps just found other ways to meet that need that was more appropriate to our situation and living arrangments.

 

My kids share a bed (with me) at my home. At my mom's the kids share a bed -- with each other, with my parents, with my brother or sisters at home, ... the kids aren't picky who they share with. They have a dedicated (shared) room with a (shared) king size bed but it is rarely used. At their dad's house they share a room but have two separate beds. The kids choose to share a bed 95% of the time; the rest of the time my four year old sleeps with her dad and the nine year old sleeps alone. Usually on nights he wants to stay up reading.

 

The kids go to sleep just fine, regardless of the sleeping arrangement. But that's probably because it's normal for them; they've been sharing a bed since birth. I'd imagine if it were "new" there might be some period of adjustment but that shouldn't be prohibitive of trying ;)

 

FWIW, my kids are different genders and are five years apart in age. At some point we'll give each child separate sleep space, but most likely it will remain a shared bedroom (and likely, even, shared with me). It's literally a Sleep Room where that's ALL that happens in there. Playing occurs elsewhere in the home. This is a bit different in how I grew up but works best for managing my insomnia.

 

I think in standard western culture, a shared room would work best if each child had a separate bed. Either a bunkbed and trundle (3 beds total), or a bunk bed with a queen on the bottom that two kids can share.

[Guest 4boys]

I only have boys so I guess my situation is slightly different. Currently we have the 3 older boys sharing a room and probably in spring when 1yo turns 2, we will get another bunk bed and put them all in the same room. They LOVE it. We don't have toys in their room, just beds and dressers so basically it is just for sleeping. I have found that they truly care for each other. There have been times when my 3yo is sick at night throwing up and by the time I get there, my 7yo has turned on the lights, given him the pail to throw up in and has everything under control. Also there have been other times when my 5yo has said he wakes up at night scared but then he wakes up 7yo and they talk. Then he feels better and goes back to sleep.

 

I think it's great the way they are bonding. :)

[GWOB]

Thanks for all the replies! I loved reading about all your arrangements and how it works for your family.

 

I talked to ds again today. He seems pretty adamant about sharing a room with his sisters. Dd9 it thrilled with the idea. I am sure it will eventually change, but for now we are going to try it out. We are planning a trip to the furniture store this weekend! Fun stuff!