Remind me about how you can not spoil a newborn.

[amy g.]

First off, I am having some postpartum emotional instability. My midwife prescribed Progesterone cream which I started last night. I think that is making everything more complicated than it really is.

 

So far, my new baby is very calm, and happy. She is nursing well, and sleeping, and interacting with everyone in her alert times. She has hardly cried at all.

 

My instinct is to continue to hold her 24 hours a day, nurse her on demand, and not miss out on one minute of her babyhood. I'm conflicted because I've had very high needs babies before where I never had a break from their demands for years.

 

This baby would happily go in the swing while I unload the dishwasher. It's not a necessity, because there are other people who want to hold her too. She is also sleeping between us in our bed.

 

My question is, if I don't teach her to take little breaks from constant body contact, at 6 days old, will I change this happy, calm baby into a needy, demanding one?

[Osmosis Mom]

Nah, you can't spoil a baby. The more love a baby gets -and feels- the calmer she'll be. Now ask me if you can spoil and over-love a toddler and I'm going to answer totally differently.......

 

Hang in there, Amy. Follow your mothering instincts and love your new one as much as you want. I think it is so easy for a number X in a big family to get overlooked -especially if it is an easy baby. I think in such a case this baby will turn into a very complacent child, but not necessarily someone with a strong sense of Self and Personality.

[melissel]

I think you should follow your instincts. If, at some point, you start needing to put the baby in a swing, do it. If you want and need to hold and snuggle your baby, do it. If your body tells you she needs you, be there for her. If your body tells you to give the baby to your DH and get out of the house for a little while, do that too.

 

Both my girls were nursed on demand and coslept with us for more than two years. I carried them both in slings and carriers. I also put them in a swing/bouncy seat when I needed to. My big kid is a total mama's girl who would still have me sleep with her every night but happily moved to her own bed at two years old. My little kid is fiercely independent and happily moved to her own bed (and self-weaned) at two years old. I think personalities come into play no matter what you do. I also think strong bonds to mama are a good thing.

 

Trust your instincts. They won't fail you.

[BigMamaBird]

This is only my opinion, I have nothing to back it up.

 

But I don't think you can spoil a newborn. If you want to hold your little one 24/7 then I say go for it, though a shower can make you feel totally human, so I'd suggest putting her down for 15 minutes or so. :D

 

Don't allow anyone to guilt you into doing something that feels wrong.

Edited December 11, 2009 by BigMamaBird

[Quad Shot Academy]

:grouphug: I had two babies that had colic, 1 that was very sick and 1 that was a dream baby. I treated the dream baby like all the others because it was all I knew (co-sleeping, constant holding). Eventually she started crying because she wanted some alone time! :001_huh: She wanted to sleep in a crib, in her own room. She wanted to be put down for a nap while she was wide awake. My personal experience makes me think that your baby will do what she is going to do, no matter what you do. :D

[Ellie]

No, you can't spoil a baby. ;-)

 

However, it isn't a bad thing to put her down ocassionally. And letting someone else hold her is better than putting her in a swing.

 

You won't miss her babyhood if you let her sleep in her bed during the day, either. :-) Also, think of it this way: if she is awake and happy, lying on the floor on a blankie gives her the opportunity to develop gross motor skills and learn to crawl and all that stuff.

[Heidi]

I love your farm! We have nigerian dwarfs and would like to get Nubians one day because they are SO CUTE! Do you milk both breeds of goats? Are the Nubians easier to milk? We just bred our dwarfs this month... aLL 5 of them... at the same time. I know, we'll have our hands full, but I became impatient waiting for one to come into heat so I decided to just let the little buck do his thing. It will be our first experience with baby goats. We plan on milking the nicer goats occasionally to see how we like it. We've bred Katahdin sheep for a few years now.

 

Congratulations on the new baby!!!

[Laurie4b]

I don't think it would hurt to put her in a swing while you empty the dishwasher--or take a shower, LOL! And letting someone else hold her won't hurt either. I don't think you have to do it--but why wouldn't you? (Genuine question--it sounds like you think something would be wrong with it)

 

I co-slept, didn't let babies cry, etc. but I'd have no problem putting one down for a few minutes.

[kmacnchs]

No, you can't spoil a baby. ;-)

 

However, it isn't a bad thing to put her down ocassionally. And letting someone else hold her is better than putting her in a swing.

 

You won't miss her babyhood if you let her sleep in her bed during the day, either. :-) Also, think of it this way: if she is awake and happy, lying on the floor on a blankie gives her the opportunity to develop gross motor skills and learn to crawl and all that stuff.

:iagree::iagree:

I don't think you can spoil a newborn but even a young child can get used to being rocked to sleep and then you must (as always) reap what you sew. (ex. my dd2 was 10 days old and we took her to the fair so she slept in a sling on me for 2 days - it was not fun when we came home and she cried in her crib b/c she wanted to be held - it didn't take long to break the habit b/c she was so young though)

[momee]

Lilving proof needed? I have a happy , well adjusted, completely social loving 18 mo old.

Held constantly by mommy, daddy, and three big brothers and sisters. Small secret I don't tell my friends IRL because they may say a comment that would wreck this...

her dad is now home after working constantly with the other three. He occasionally (sometimes often) "sneek"s down, wakes her from a nap or bedtime and sits with her. Rocking, singing and loving on her any time he wants :)

 

Really, kids adjust sooo well to our crazy behaviors as their moms and dads but in this case, loving that baby is not crazy.

Love that baby. But for the benefit of others, let them love her/him too.

 

Enjoy these very! special, fleeting days. They go by VERY fast.

 

I'm editing to say we didn't rock her to sleep. She goes down at predictable times (after abour 8 weeks or so) and goes down by herself. This is something I didn't learn till this last of four babies and she's the best napper and has the happiest temperment. She's still napping two times a day, but not sure if that's her or the sleeping regularity. Babywise was my friend in that department but I didn't live or die by it, kwim?

[danybug]

My post is much of the same. My dd that is 2 now, just finished bf'ing on demand and she slept with me as well. Now, she is in a twin bed in our room :glare: I wanted to hold her non-stop when she was an infant. I actually was probably too possessive of wanting to hold her all the time.

 

I do not think you can spoil an infant! I think they thrive on this love and close contact. But at times I did wonder if I should have allowed her to branch out from me some, as to not be too dependent. But the time goes waaaay to fast and I would not have changed a thing!

 

Best of luck and congratulations!:001_smile:

[Dawn in OH]

You can't spoil a newborn.

 

But hey, if you have a baby that will LET you put it down, do. My third wouldn't tolerate being put down at all. I was sleep deprived, hungry and smelly.

 

I'm hoping that this next baby will let me put him down without screaming bloody murder and turning red.

[OnTheBrink]

Psst. Amy. You can't spoil a newborn. Just thought I'd remind you. ;)

[amy g.]

Thanks, everyone. I'm feeling a little better. I let her take a nap in her swing while I made Christmas cookies with the big girls. When she woke up, she was happy to nurse in the sling while I helped my oldest milk the cow. I'm sitting down with her now listening to Christmas carols on Pandora.

 

I'll just try to strike a balance between putting her down some, and keeping her close. I'm truly grateful that our prayers for a calm baby were answered.

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

amy - congrats on your newest bundle

 

I had the same 'problem' you're describing. My first was a very high-demand, "what have you done for me lately" baby. I held him constantly...well, sometimes he gave me a brief (like 15 minute) respite if someone else was holding him. Then along came my 2nd baby. I actually called my mother one day because I thought something was terribly wrong with the baby. He was lying on a blanket, staring at toys for 15 minutes without crying. Then one day I put him in the bassinette for a nap, walked in later and found him staring up at the mobile. Just staring. making happy little baby noises. I don't want to offend any with special needs children, but I thought, "Oh, my....this child is delayed or brain damaged or something." It was very, very hard for me to accept that he was actually content. He was content when I held him and content to watch toys or the dog or the light playing across the floor, whatever.

 

When he got older, he actually taught his older brother how to play independently. He is still very much a child who can be content playing with toys by himself, or sitting quietly reading a book, or staring at the stars in the summertime.

 

Oh, and I spoiled all my babies. In fact, I'll spoil anyone's baby!

[Guest janainaz]

Follow your heart. I held my babies as much as I wanted and never listenened to anyone about spoiling. At the same time, if I needed to go take a shower and become human once a day with my hair and makeup done, I did not feel guilty for putting the baby in the swing, or what not. I cleaned house, I put the baby down. My niece got nothing done all day and used the excuse of the baby needing her. She would not shower or clean, make dinner, nothing. That is a bit over-the-top.

 

I held both my kids a LOT. I loved every second, I wanted to be near them, wanted to see them, they slept with me - all of it. But, there is a balance. I believe in picking a baby up when it's crying. Especially a newborn. I don't believe in letting them self soothe and I believe that babies learn trust by knowing that there is someone there to meet their needs. They don't manipulate, some babies just need contact more than others.

 

My younger ds had times of day he NEEDED to be put down. He would cry and I could not figure out what was wrong. Finally, when I would lay him down, he'd stop. He needed to stretch out and be free.

 

Just enjoy!

[melmichigan]

Definately can't spoil and infant, not possible. :) Congratulations!

[Carol in Cal.]

Don't make yourself NOT hold her, ok?

God made babies want to be held and mothers want to hold them for a good reason--it's in their best interests to be loved and protected that way.

Enjoy this time!

[Haiku]

My question is, if I don't teach her to take little breaks from constant body contact, at 6 days old, will I change this happy, calm baby into a needy, demanding one?

 

Here's my (probably unpopular) opinion.

 

Possibly.

 

I held my dd all the time, too. I peed holding her. I paid the bills holding her. I hung the laundry holding her.

 

When I finally simply could not do this anymore, she protested like mad about being anywhere but in my arms. No swing, no bouncy seat, no Daddy, nothing.

 

I think the idea of constant contact with baby is great, in theory. In reality, I did not live in a tribe, I lived in a townhouse, and my husband was at work all day. I didn't have lots of people always around to help me. It was just me, most of the time.

 

I wish I'd done it differently. If I had it to do over again, I'd have put baby in the swing or bouncy seat for a bit every day so it wasn't an alien concept when I finally needed it.

 

Tara

[MelanieM]

Congratulations on your new little one!!

 

My oldest was a happy, sweet, easy-going baby. I nursed her on demand, co-slept, carried her in a baby carrier everywhere we went, etc. She is now a happy, sweet, easy-going 7 yr old. My middle son was a frustrated, constantly screaming, high-needs baby. I nursed him on demand, co-slept, carried him in a carrier everywhere we went, etc. He is now a happy, sweet, easily frustrated, sometimes screaming 4.5 yr old. My baby is a happy, calm, sweetheart of a 5.5 month old. We'll parent him the same way as the others, and his personality will be what it will be.

 

I don't think you can give a baby, or anyone else, too much love or positive attention. And I think there's a reason we feel we need to hold a newborn constantly -- we're biologically wired to feel that way. But I also don't think a baby will be harmed by spending a little time napping alone, or sitting in a swing, if the baby is content to do so (I would never support any suggestion to leave a baby to cry alone) and Mama needs the break.

 

Ultimately, I think you should feel good about doing what feels good! You're the mama, so go ahead and trust your instincts.

[MelanieM]

Follow your heart. I held my babies as much as I wanted and never listenened to anyone about spoiling. At the same time, if I needed to go take a shower and become human once a day with my hair and makeup done, I did not feel guilty for putting the baby in the swing, or what not. I cleaned house, I put the baby down. My niece got nothing done all day and used the excuse of the baby needing her. She would not shower or clean, make dinner, nothing. That is a bit over-the-top.

 

I held both my kids a LOT. I loved every second, I wanted to be near them, wanted to see them, they slept with me - all of it. But, there is a balance. I believe in picking a baby up when it's crying. Especially a newborn. I don't believe in letting them self soothe and I believe that babies learn trust by knowing that there is someone there to meet their needs. They don't manipulate, some babies just need contact more than others.

 

 

I obviously can't speak to your niece's situation, but I just wanted to say that I was one of those people that didn't (couldn't) get anything much done other than parenting my newborn with my second, unless I was willing to leave him alone and let him scream (which is not an option in my world). So there are some babies that lead to the over-the-top behaviour you mention simply because their needs really are that big. (I whole-heartedly agree with your second paragraph there, btw.)

[newbie]

Definately can't spoil and infant, not possible. :) Congratulations!

 

 

:iagree::iagree:

[SonshineLearner]

I believe that it's at least... 9 months in... 9 months out:-) All while being close to people who love 'em. Plenty of time to train them to sleep/be by themselves.... later:-)

Carrie

[MelanieM]

Another thought... Even if they want to cuddle and sleep with me until they're 4 or 6, I'll take it. One day when I'm old and grey I will look back on my life and remember... I certainly won't regret extra cuddles and time with my babies for that oh-so-short time when they were young. But I surely might regret any time I spent pushing them into independance, and the cuddles I missed out on because of it. I try to remember that any time I start to think I'll never again have a moment to go to the bathroom in peace!

[Ritsumei]

We struggled with infertility for 8 years before we were finally blessed with our Monkey. I absolutely floated through the pregnancy, and when he was born you better believe that I held that baby!!! I treasure the memories of all the snuggles and cuddles, the naps in the Moby-Wrap, the cuddly co-sleeping. He's fine. He's sweet. He's wonderful - and I know that's not just "Mom's rose-colored glasses" because people tell me that all the time. And he's still a cuddler.

 

Personally, I think that spoiling happens not in loving kids too much, but from inconsistent (or absent) discipline. As such, I don't believe it's possible to spoil a newborn: they're too little to need discipline. And when I say "discipline," I mean firm, consistent, age-appropriate, kindly administered consequences. But a newborn is too little for that sort of thing, so I don't think it's possible to spoil them.

[Haiku]

Since I seem to be the lone voice of dissent, I want to clarify that I am not advocating not holding babies. I do, however, think that it is entirely possible to habituate a baby to a certain and only way of being soothed, carried, helped to sleep, etc., that can make it very hard for babies if their routine is altered. Moms who are alone most of the day can't be expected to hold their babies every second, and the idea that moms who don't are somehow missing out or not attending properly to their babies (an idea I have encountered very forcefully, judgmentally, and obnoxiously promoted in certain circles) is, to me, ridiculous.

 

Tara

[Tammyla]

Enjoy your new bundle guilt free. :grouphug:

[Jennifer in MI]

Another thought... Even if they want to cuddle and sleep with me until they're 4 or 6, I'll take it. One day when I'm old and grey I will look back on my life and remember... I certainly won't regret extra cuddles and time with my babies for that oh-so-short time when they were young. But I surely might regret any time I spent pushing them into independance, and the cuddles I missed out on because of it. I try to remember that any time I start to think I'll never again have a moment to go to the bathroom in peace!

 

:iagree::iagree: Love this!!!

 

Enjoy your baby guilt free!!!

 

Said, from a mom who still loves to cuddle and hold her nearly-4 yo as she falls asleep for a nap! She CAN fall asleep on her own with dad, but really prefers me. And, that's OKAY!!! I have teenaged boys and, I assure you, they are all well-adjusted and sleeping alone even after being held nearly constantly for the first 3 years of their lives.

[Rosie_0801]

My question is, if I don't teach her to take little breaks from constant body contact, at 6 days old, will I change this happy, calm baby into a needy, demanding one?

 

No, but you might turn yourself into an anxious mess. If you want to cuddle your baby, cuddle your baby. Denying both of you can hardly be to anyone's benefit. I tend to think the difference between a calm, happy baby and a needy one is subjective. One can turn into the other in a blink of an eye by doing absolutely nothing different, the only change being that Mamma is fed up. Keep cuddling your baby as long as you want to, that's what they are for. You've got to get some perks in return for sore nipples and poopy nappies! You can worry about character training later when you FEEL it is the time, not now when it is your head being anxious. :) Making yourself miserable for your own good doesn't make much sense, does it?

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[Hedgehogs4]

key words: "don't miss a moment of her babyhood."

 

you won't have a spoiled child...you will have a happy, secure, emotionally satisfied child who knows she is loved and nurtured.

 

if you were all alone on an island and had no one else to tell you how to parent your child, what would you do?

 

i thought so.

 

:001_smile: enjoy your baby!

[msjones]

Since I seem to be the lone voice of dissent, I want to clarify that I am not advocating not holding babies. I do, however, think that it is entirely possible to habituate a baby to a certain and only way of being soothed, carried, helped to sleep, etc., that can make it very hard for babies if their routine is altered. Moms who are alone most of the day can't be expected to hold their babies every second, and the idea that moms who don't are somehow missing out or not attending properly to their babies (an idea I have encountered very forcefully, judgmentally, and obnoxiously promoted in certain circles) is, to me, ridiculous.

 

Tara

 

:iagree: I tried to find a happy place --other than my arms-- for my babies to enjoy. Then, they weren't in agony when I had to put them down. For one, it was the jiggly chair, for the other it was a swing. Not for hours and hours -- just when I needed to put them down and no other arms were available.

[amy g.]

I suspect that Tara is correct. Spoiling is the wrong word. Conditioning would be a better choice.

 

My oldest NEEDED constant attention. I remember cooking dinner holding her. If I put her down one second to open a can, she would scream like she was dying. I told her, "You are the kind of kid who would be abused at daycare." It turns out that she had special needs that were greatly reduced by my constant attention, so that is how I learned to parent.

 

I never put Miss Bossy down because I had two miscarriages trying to conceive her, and I was just so happy to have her in my arms. So, guess who has to have someone with her at all times, and can hardly sleep through the night at 3 years old?

 

I think that the difference is that with my oldest, I was sensitive, and responding to her needs. with Miss Bossy, I was focusing on my own needs.

 

That's why I think I will try to find a balance with this new little one. I'm keeping her close, and nursing her on demand, I'll still try to put her down once or twice a day when she is feeling happy.

 

Thanks, everyone for your advice, and well wishes. I'm feeling better already.

[stripe]

I think a lot of people try to hold the baby nonstop, and then when they get exhausted and resentful ("can't I ever pee?!"), they turn on the child and yell at or otherwise neglect the child, when a brief break from all that holding might have prevented. I vowed not to become one of those stressed out new mothers who is griping all the time that she is not allowed to bathe and presents herself as the victim of this demanding child.

 

This will, I think, help sustain your energy to, for example, breastfeed her and snuggle her and enjoy her babyhood.

 

Enjoy your new baby!

[prairie rose]

Don't feel guilty for holding her and cuddling her but also don't feel guilty for putting her down and giving the other kids some attention or going pee by yourself. ;) I held my kids a lot when they were little. They all had different personalities though. One liked being held by me but was just as happy with someone else or on the floor or in a swing or playpen. One enjoyed being held by me and only me but when I needed to put her down and she fussed, I would just talk to her the whole time and eventually she realized I wasn't leaving her and was content to be put down or go to someone else for a little while. One preferred to have Dad hold her all the time. One cried whether you picked him up or put him down, tried to soothe him or leave him alone...he was just a fussy baby. I held him a lot, or as much as I could take, while he screamed and screamed. This is the same baby that refused to co-sleep. He kept us both awake all night with his unhappiness. After a week of that, I borrowed a bassinet to keep him close still but he didn't like that either. When he was two weeks old, out of desperation for sleep, I put him in his room in his crib and he was out like a light in 2 minutes flat.:001_huh: He kept himself to very strict nap and bed times. God help you if you didn't get him to bed on time. :tongue_smilie:

 

All that to say, I think neediness has less to do with being held constantly as a newborn and more to do with personality. (though I do think you are right, once they are a couple of months old, I do think some babies become conditioned but the thing about conditioning is that it is simply a habit and it can be undone.) But at just under a week old, I think you are completely safe to love, hold, cuddle and snuggle to your heart's desire. ;)