SAHMs (and SAHDs) how much does your spouse help out around the house?...

[BizyPenguin]

I'm just curious about this. Do you feel it's your "job" to do all of the cooking and cleaning since you're fortunate enough to be at home full time? Do you ask or does your spouse willingly help out? If so, how often and how does he/she help out? If your spouse doesn't help out, do you ever feel resentful? Please remember, no spouse bashing if you respond to this thread. I'm just wondering about this b/c I do feel like it's my job to do the cooking and cleaning and my dh happily let's me do it all. I find myself feeling resentful that he doesn't help out by doing dishes or cooking at least once or twice a month...say on weekends, and I get naggy about it once in a while. The ironic thing is when that blue moon *does* come around and he *does* happen to do some chores around the house I feel like a failure that I couldn't get it done myself. Crazy isn't it. (I should add that my dh *is* Mr. fix-it and does BBQ quite a bit during the warm months. He just fixed our washing machine yesterday! He's also a very hard working man and a great provider, which is why I don't ask him to help out around the house.) Anyone?

[Janet in WA]

When I was a SAHM, I didn't do all the housework -- my children and I did all the housework. We were able to handle it just fine, and dh took care of bringing home the bacon. Now that I'm a retired SAHM, and I've gone back to work, things have changed, and I want and need dh to help with the housework. It was hard for him to get used to that, but he's doing very well now (as long as I remind him about what needs to be done).

[Scarlett]

Hmmm.....good question. My dh works many many many hours a week. He worked about 6 hours on Sunday. He came home 'early' last night at 6:15. It is 7:00 now and he isn't home yet. So..he does very very little around the house. Even mowing....I do about 75% of the mowing and he does all the weed-eating. He is handy, but these days we hire things out that I can't do because dh just doesn't have the time.

 

I'm not usually resentful. I only get resentful if he questions what I do with MY time. :glare:

[Gailmegan]

My dh works a lot too. And he does physical labor, so when he gets home he is exhausted. I happily do the cooking (I enjoy that part), cleaning and laundry, but he does help me clean on the weekends sometimes. He is also responsible for trash (yuck!) and home maintenance projects. Oh, and the boys do help me with a lot of the things that they can do. We make it a group project.

[Whisperlily]

I do end up feeling that it's my responsibility, but it's a feeling I carry on my own, NOT one he puts on my shoulders. He has always said that it's OUR responsibility. But, alas, he doesn't *see* what needs to be done.

 

But if I rephrase that realistically... he doesn't see what *I* think needs to be done. When I'm feeling resentful, it's usually not when I'm remembering that he does cook when he can (because he likes to). He does generally take care of the vehicle needs. He always takes the kids if I need a break. He helps me get the kids moving if they've made a mess. He never, ever complains that I *didn't* do something.

 

My DH works hard during the day and is a wonderful provider. He's not perfect. I'm a good mother, and I try to keep up with things at home, but I'm not perfect either.

 

He doesn't expect me to be perfect, and he focuses on what I do right instead of what I do wrong... so I don't expect him to be perfect and I *try* not to complain about what he doesn't do. ;)

 

But, there are days, aren't there? :grouphug:

[Mrs. H.]

Like many of the other posters, my dh works long hours, sometimes weekends, is often out of town, and has a high-stress job. He doesn't do much to help me clean around the house, but he does EVERYTHING outside, fixes things, maintains the vehicles, and helps ramrod the kids when things need to get done and they're tired of listening to mom.

 

Now, that being said, dh will take a wild hair every now and then and clean the whole house, top to bottom, while I'm gone. He will help me clean if I am sick, really tired, or just very behind and expecting company. He does this willingly and happily, but I do feel guilty about not being able to keep up when he has to help. He can't even boil water, but he orders take-out like a pro when I need it. :D

 

His big help to me is taking the kids so I can cook, clean, or have some "me" time in the evenings. He either takes them and plays with them in our room or theirs, or takes them outside for some frisbee when the days get longer. He also helps with baths and bedtime.

[finding_sanctuary]

Well, Dh works about 3.5 hours away right now and isn't getting weekends off, so none. He's staying at an RV park and doing his own "housework", such as it is. Usually, he comes home on weekends, and when he does, he'll cook dinners because he loves to cook. Otherwise, I do all the housework that isn't specifically delegated to DSS as "chores" (trash out, mow and trim lawn, clean room and own bathroom). It's part of our agreement -- he works, I keep house, not because it's my "duty" but because that's what works best for us and is where my (and his) particular skills lie.

 

When Dh is unemployed (he does a lot of short-term construction jobs, so a few times a year) the housework is divided fairly evenly, although I do more of the parenting work.

 

I don't usually feel resentful. Dh works 10 and sometimes 12-14 hours a day, often 6 or 7 days a week in a very physical trade. When it comes right down to it, I've got a pretty cushy job here, even with the stress of dealing with an angsty teenager and a spirited preschooler. If I'm feeling resentful, I check my reasons for it. Usually, it's because I'm not making a point of taking any time for myself, and that's easy enough to remedy.

[Michelle T]

He does not do any cleaning, cooking, and only very rarely will help in the yard. He isn't handy, and doesn't fix things either.

 

He does work very long hours, although unfortunately he is currently making almost no money, some months, he is literally getting no paycheck at all.

 

Yes, I definitely sometimes feel resentful, but I also consider it my job to take care of things at home. Of course, when DH was making actual money, it was easier to feel that way, it's harder now.

 

I don't think it's very likely I'll be a SAHM much longer, we just can't afford it.

 

DS does help very minimally, but he has so many issues, he's really not much help.

Michelle T

[ArwenA]

DH helps out when he can. He works in the garden and will cook a few times a week. He doesn't clean but he's the person that fixes stuff. He's also the one that brings in the money.

[Mrs Mungo]

My husband helps quite a lot, especially with jobs I hate like folding laundry and doing dishes. He's not resentful about it. He calls it his "choreplay." It always works out for him in the end.;)

[Jennifer in MI]

My dh cooks breakfast every morning. He also throws in a load of laundry before he leaves for work. He also earns a good living. I guess I need to be more thankful!!

 

On the weekends, he will help out with our family clean up by wiping down the kitchen - stove, fridge, and cabinets.

[Jenny in Atl]

Mine cooks on the weekend, cuts the grass, and watches the girls while I go play with fire Monday nights. Besides that, not much... momma's boy. :001_rolleyes:

[Jenstet]

My husband works long hours. If he is home to help put the kids to bed I am happy. He does the trash daily and helps clean on the weekends.

 

He does do all the yard work, snowblowing, car maintenance, house repairs, bills, cleans the dog run. I call it "daddy work".

 

He doesn't do puke and poop.

 

I don't do any car stuff like waiting for oil changes. I also don't do Transformers, strictly a daddy job. I don't do snakes in the well, mouse traps or dead chickens. I do not do dog poop or wasp nests. I also do not do plugged toilets or vet visits. I do not retrieve things from the attic or go to the dump.

 

He does his own laundry if he is out. I try to do ironing but sometimes I can't keep up so he does his own.

 

Other than that I do everything else. I think it is pretty even, no resentment here.....really.

[siloam]

Stacy,

 

I am one of the lucky ones. When the kids were young, 3 in diapers and me pg he did bathrooms!

 

Now he mostly vacuums for me, I do get to it sometimes, but that is the chore he will most likely take over. He will also just pick things up.

 

I generally do bathrooms, laundry, dishes and moping.

 

Heather

[Barb_]

I think the question is a little more complex. Who's responsibility is it to handle the infrastructure of day-to-day life? Is it, in fact, any one person's responsibility?

 

Very well said. My 'work' is to teach our children, but guiding, molding, and training them is our mutual responsibility. Likewise, I manage the day to day details of our lives, but we all are responsible for carrying out the routine and sometimes tedious tasks required to make a life. So on the weekends, my husband says something like, "I'd really like to finish cleaning out the garage and taking things to storage unless there is a pressing project you'd like me to do first." Or after supper, he'll usually stack some dishes or clear off the table before taking off to check his email. It's not his 'job' to do any of this his, any more than it's my 'job' to cook a hot meal rather than telling everyone to get their own dinners. But doing these little things nurtures our relationship and makes everyone feel cared for.

 

Spouses work long hours, but so do we. We are on call nights and weekends and take our chores with us on vacation. We never leave our offices. We often do our jobs with what amounts to a zoo full of monkeys in the background. True, we don't have the stress of dealing with idiots who think they know our jobs better than we do, but we have little peer interaction to break the monotony either. There are pros and cons to both lifestyles. After hours when dh comes home, chores and childcare are up for grabs. Dh, the kids, and I all share the work. If someone is feeling resentment, then the problem is likely an imbalance in the relationship rather than a weakness of character.

 

Barb

[Michelle in GA]

doesn't do much at all as far as daily household chores go. He does however do LOTS of projects. He has finished our basement, installed hardwood floors in the kitchen,painted numerous rooms, and has even built furniture. He also does the lawn, and changes the oil in the cars. That leaves all the cooking, shopping, laundry, and general in-house cleaning to me. We make a good team.

[Beth in Central TX]

My DH voluntarily helps around the house on a consistent basis. I cook dinner, and DH & the boys do the dishes and clean-up every night. Usually I do all of the laundry along with the general housekeeping, but our boys have chores to help keep the house clean and picked-up. DH & the boys take care of the cars, yard, and shed.

 

One thing that DH oversees is the dishwasher. I really don't like loading or unloading that thing. DH (along with the boys) will load the dishwasher after dinner; my husband will immediately run the dishwasher and empty it before we go to bed. I like an empty dishwasher in the morning, and I do make sure that all of the mess we make during the day is cleaned up (either washed or put in the dishwasher) before DH gets home. We make a great team.

[Harriet Vane]

My dh helps out tons. I don't feel guilty about it either. I have never been particularly gifted in the housework department, so he helps out of sheer desperation. ;)

[Nestof3]

Yes, I feel it is my job to either do the following myself or make sure one of the children do it: house cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. I also do the homeschooling and all of the personal and business paperwork.

 

My husband owns a lawn maintenance business which he and our oldest son (and sometimes a helper) work in. Today they left for work at 7:00 am and got home at 6:00 pm. His work is very busy in the spring and fall, a little lighter in the summer, but then he has 90 degree temperatures to deal with, and he has two months of very light work in the winter. In the winter he does some home repair/improvement stuff and will help with dinner, cleaning and any homeschooling I ask him to do.

 

He will do anything I ask him to help with. He takes me out to dinner one day a week. He will also make easy dinners like spaghetti if I need him to.

 

I cannot say that our division of duties will work for everyone, but I can say I sure as heck don't expect him to come home after a day like today and cook dinner or vaccuum. Some husbands might have lighter work loads, so what another family may do may differ from what we do.

 

I consider myself a helpmeet to my husband, and it was actually my choice to take over the finances and paperwork. There are many times my husband comes home from work, and even if he gets off early, he has mower blades to sharpen, equipment to repair and maintain, oil and filters to change and so forth.

 

My work may last later into the night compared to his (like right now I just folded one load of laundry and am washing another). I may have school work to check or plan, or bills to pay at night, but I sleep in later, I take little breaks throughout the day, and eventhough there's plenty of stress around here sometimes, I still get snuggling couch time when the boys and I do school. My husband only breaks for lunch and speeds around at all other times. I get a leisurely morning of coffee and breakfast reading emails and checking the board. He gulps breakfast and heads out the door.

 

Do I get bitter sometimes? Sure -- but not really at him, though I take it out on him when I get overstressed. And, as someone else said, this is usually because I am not getting enough personal creativity time, or something. But that's not his fault -- he reminds me that I can choose "me" time over work, but being the Type-A person I am, I usually choose the work. LOL During tax season, when he has less work to do, I am at my busiest, so I can be a bear. But then in the summer, I'm chillin' with the A/C and he's sweating like crazy, working his tail off.

 

All and all we are so very thankful for each other. I love that he (and or son) works so hard for us, and he loves that his heart can trust in me (Proverbs 31). I love that he never forgets our date night. I love having a home-cooked meal for him after a long day's work. I love knowing I am a blessing to him -- a helper suited to him. I love that he does not have to worry about quarterly reports, sales tax reports, balancing checkbooks, etc. Sure, I get tired sometimes. So does he.

 

I would have to say one of the things I am most thankful for is being able to stay at home and homeschool my boys. And, having children at home means that they share in the workload, and the older they get, the more they should contribute. One of my mantras is: Do not expect the benefits of the family if you are not willing to contribute to the family." It's a team effort.

 

He does all the repairs, vehicle maintenance, lawn maintenance (shock) and remodels things. He's built a garage, a shed, a play fort, remodeled the bathroom, and so forth.

 

My husband lived on his own for a few years after his ex-wife left. He took care of the cleaning, laundry, food, etc. He is capable. But, honestly -- I'm much better at it. :D And, thank goodness, because I surely wouldn't want to be out there mowing lawns and mulching beds.:eek:

[Tami]

I don't ask my dh to help around the house, he just kinda jumps in and goes for it. At our house, we split the housework about 5o/5o - it just kinda works out that way. We cook together each night and he does the clean-up. On the week-end, we all take a zone in the house and declutter/clean it. I wash towels, linens and my dd and I'd laundry during the week. He washes his laundry on Saturday; I iron it on Mondays. During the week, dd or I do most of the routine household stuff like vacuuming, sweeping/mopping, cleaning baths, putting out "hot spots," etc.

 

I guess we just work together on whatever needs to be done.

[Mrs Mungo]

My dh helps out tons. I don't feel guilty about it either. I have never been particularly gifted in the housework department, so he helps out of sheer desperation. ;)

 

Hm, this is probably what part of mine is as well. I'm about 5000x better than my parents at housekeeping but I'm far from perfect. Hubby is a perfectionist. My hubby also works long hours in a stressful job.

 

However, like I said, he does call it his "choreplay." :rofl:

 

Anyone who is unhappy with the balance in their household and would like their hubby to help more should consider showing him these studies:

 

Unequal share of housework causes depression in women, study says

http://www.brown.edu/Administration/News_Bureau/1998-99/98-093.html

 

ABC News is reporting a new study shows men who do more housework have more sex with their wives.

http://www.hoinews.com/news/news_story.aspx?id=105553

[6packofun]

as much as I ask, but the key is that I usually have to ask. lol ;)

 

He has a very flexible work schedule right now and so he does less "work" and more carting the kids around or giving me a break by overseeing general kid stuff, which I appreciate.

 

Dh is a family man, more than most men I've ever met...but for me, the home is always just more at the heart of the whole person God made me...in this life He gave me. Not that wife-mom-homemaker is ALL that I am, but it sure reflects ME more than it does dh and so naturally, I care about homemaking stuff more. I'm much less resentful now than I was years ago that dh hasn't really figured out how to just DO this sort of thing on his own. It's not in his makeup (as a man and with the family situation/parents he had) and that's OK. :)

[cin]

My DH starts a load of laundry every morning, and I follow up on that... He packs up the leftovers after dinner (packs them up for him to take for lunch the next couple of days...) And most mornings, before work, he does the dishwasher, loads it if its empty, or unload it if it is full. He also takes care of the girls on Saturday mornings so I can work on my projects; school stuff, sewing, reading or sleeping :D

[Plaid Dad]

I'm in charge of day-to-day tasks like laundry, dishes, trash/recycling, catbox, etc. My dw does most of the cooking because she is good at it and finds it relaxing. She also usually does the grocery shopping because I hate it and I also tend to spend too much money. ;) We split larger cleaning projects pretty evenly.

 

But the proportion each of us has done has changed over the years and undoubtedly will again if I end up working more hours outside the home. Generally we each do the tasks we don't mind and are training our dd to do her share as well. Right now that means picking up after herself, getting what food and drink she can for herself, helping clear the table, putting away clean dishes, and helping with a little food prep. Every little bit helps!

[Pajama Mama]

My dh is a big help around here. Maybe his years in the marines have him trained to be a neat person. Maybe he's just a sweetie. He works a rotating schedule. He'll have off a couple days, work 4, off 3, work 5. So on his 2-3 days off in a row he helps alot. He runs to the library for me and takes my bookmooch packages to be mailed. He'll help clean up the kitchen or the bathrooms. He might take one of the kids with him so I can work with the other.

 

I wish we could get everything done when he's at work. I would like him to be able to relax more. But he knows that I've been playing nursemaid alot lately with our special needs child. He was great when I was worn down a few months ago. My thyroid was so low when I finally went to the doctor. I would just lay on the couch all day long. Dh did his job at work and then came home and did my job too.

 

Dh is having gastric bypass surgery this summer. I will be completely on my own for several months then--taking care of him and everyone else. I bet I'll be on here asking for prayers when that time comes.

[Sue G in PA]

My dh helps out mostly on the weekends. He is "in charge" of cooking during the week (by default b/c I just don't like to cook and he does) but for the past month has not been really "cooking" much at all. No bashing...just frustration b/c he has switched jobs AND his workload/stress load is MUCH lighter. :glare: He used to do dishes once every other day but now our dc swap that chore. In fact, b/c of our new chore system, the chores are mostly done by our dc (well, most of the time). Dh is NOT Mr. Fix-it by any stretch of the imagination so most "projects" either don't get done or get done by ds9 (who just LOVES figuring things out and building) or my father or FIL.

 

I'm going to stop now b/c this will turn into a dh bashing session b/c I'm very frustrated with him at the moment. I thought I could be objective...I just can't.

[Jennifer in NH]

Like many of the other posters, my dh works long hours, sometimes weekends, is often out of town, and has a high-stress job. He doesn't do much to help me clean around the house, but he does EVERYTHING outside, fixes things, maintains the vehicles, and helps ramrod the kids when things need to get done and they're tired of listening to mom.

 

Now, that being said, dh will take a wild hair every now and then and clean the whole house, top to bottom, while I'm gone. He will help me clean if I am sick, really tired, or just very behind and expecting company. He does this willingly and happily, but I do feel guilty about not being able to keep up when he has to help. he orders take-out like a pro when I need it. :D

 

 

That is so my husband! He also, bless his heart, whenhe is actually home, he will put our youngest (toddler) to bed. he will read him a story and rock him and sing to him and my little ds like it better when dad does it! So do I! On weekends he will put him down for his naps too! he does way more than his fair share...he doesn't even complian when I really don't feel like cooking...he just gets out some hot dogs or sausage or a frozen pizza and makes dinner!

 

I forgot to add that when he is home he also cooks his own breakfast and now cooks breakfast for the yougest. he gets up earlier than the others and loves to eat with Daddy! And while he is eating with Daddy...I can take a shower!

[Stacia]

Spouses work long hours, but so do we. We are on call nights and weekends and take our chores with us on vacation. We never leave our offices. We often do our jobs with what amounts to a zoo full of monkeys in the background. True, we don't have the stress of dealing with idiots who think they know our jobs better than we do, but we have little peer interaction to break the monotony either. There are pros and cons to both lifestyles. After hours when dh comes home, chores and childcare are up for grabs. Dh, the kids, and I all share the work. If someone is feeling resentment, then the problem is likely an imbalance in the relationship rather than a weakness of character.

 

Exactly. And, I agree w/ lots of what strider & Plaid Dad said too.

 

A lot of our balance has come from us each pitching in to do the things we're good at & like (or tolerate) doing. For him, that's cooking, grocery shopping, and lots of what I consider 'tedious' work (paperwork, phone calls, etc...). He's good at that stuff & enjoys it. I pretty much do house cleanup (and esp. kitchen cleanup since he does the cooking), laundry, and teaching the kids during the day. He does a lot when he gets home & does a lot w/ the kids too. I don't feel guilty about having him do a lot because we both 'work' -- just different definitions of 'work' by today's society. Prior to having kids, we both worked in the professional world, but it was our joint decision to cut our income in half & have me stay at home w/ the kids. I guess, generally, that we don't see stuff so much as chores as just stuff that needs to get done, at some point, by someone. The general division of 'chores' has just evolved over time. It's usually never a big deal & what needs to get done, generally gets done.

 

I've probably lucked out, too, in the sense that dh is much neater/less clutter-prone than I am, lol! Oh, and my grandma always used to tell me, "Never start anything for a man that you don't want to continue doing the rest of your life." (Therefore, I've generally avoided yard work like the plague.) :lol:

[Quiver0f10]

My DH doesn't normally help out, but now that the kids are older they help me.

[st_claire]

Dh helps out a lot here. Like other posters, he puts in laundry in the morning. Then I finish the load when I get up. He also unloads the dishwasher every morning. He cooks on non-work days, I cook on work days.

 

 

I could understand one person doing all the housework if that was *all* they did, but if you are homeschooling that takes a huge amount of time, definitely equal to working full time IMO.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

We take the approach that his job is out of the house, mine is to educate the children, everything else is family responsibility. If he worked at home, he would not be expected to clean house in between things. I work at home by educating the kids. If I am getting house work done, it is a bonus and he greatly appreciates it. It is not my job though. It is the responsibility of those who live here to care for their surroundings. We all naturally gravitate towards certain things. I prefer to do the shopping and cooking and do most of that. Dh does the lawn, fix it stuff, and the dishes. We all do laundry together. Other things just get spread around as we get to them. It's a joint effort around here not dictated by who is home or who is not.

[mysticamethyst]

My husband is like so many others he works 70+ hours a week. Yes, I feel like it is my responsibility to keep the house and all that goes with it. However, I know I cannot do it all myself. My kids most definatly have house chores and room chores; no they don't get paid. My husband will help out with the house and chores without me ever asking. If he is home and sees me doing something, he helps out no matter the task. He also has a "honey-do" list but honestly, my oldest son is doing most of those. We have a joke here in our house if is involves MANual labor it is a MAN job. Now, this really doesn't stand but it is funny the just the same. Do I ever feel resentful, honestly, how long would it take hime to refill the coffee pot before he left in the morning; that is it.:D

[Karen sn]

I was just telling someone yesterday how a man doing dishes turns me on. And it somehow gives me energy for the evening.

[Karen sn]

Cute magnet I saw: No man was ever shot washing the dishes.

[Nestof3]

I could understand one person doing all the housework if that was *all* they did, but if you are homeschooling that takes a huge amount of time, definitely equal to working full time IMO.

 

This may be the case for some, but it really isn't true for us. Most of my homeschool time is perfefctly enjoyable and relaxing. I really enjoy going to the library, planning lessons, and interacting with my children. Most of it does not "feel" like work. Although I have three sons still in school, our oldest has worked increasingly independently through highschool, with the bulk of my time spent for him checking his work and planning his route.

 

When our son was not working so much with his Dad, he had a weekly chore chart that covered the bathroom, the glass doors, the dusting, lawn toy and debris cleanup, and cleaning the fronts of kitchen cabinets and appliances. He also unloaded the dishwasher daily. This honestly did not take him that long to do (1 chore a day plus dishwasher), but it lightened my load tremendously. My other two boys were babies/toddlers then. I can only imagine for those with a few older children -- there may be more homeschooling going on, but I would expect the Mom to not have many chores leftover for herself once all of the school is done. I know some families where the children rotate making lunch and dinner to where the mom doesn't cook much.

 

Yes, homeschooling gets more intense the more children one has, but the other workload should decrease.

 

My young ones are in chore training now, which is time-consuming, but once they are let loose to be independent in this, twice as much will be done by someone else. I think one cause of burnout in moms is not delegating enough to the children. I know my brother and I were quite pampered growing up. :tongue_smilie:

 

Even during homeschooling, I multitask. While the boys are doing handwriting, I may unload the dishwasher. They read aloud to me as I make lunch, and so on. When they are still finishing up lunch (they eat more slowly), I start our read aloud. It keeps me from urging them to hurry up and eat, and it makes the whole experience more enjoyable. I read the SOTW to them while they color their coloring page.

 

I am looking at my husband's work schedule for last week: M (9.25), T (10.5), W-(9.25). TH (10.5), F (10), S (4). Yesterday was 10.75 hours. I can honestly say that I did not put in the same hours. Yes, I am on call always, and supervise my children at all times, but that's not really work to me. When they were little? Yes, it was work! Now, they are much for self-sufficient, always immersing themselves in creative activities -- and a couple videos a day. LOL

 

My husband and I do most of our shopping together -- alone -- because it's quicker and easier that way, and when he's there, he's able to buy himself whatever snacks he's in the mood for. He reads the boys their bedtime stories. Many times, he'll see me doing a task and will join in (like unloading the dishwasher or folding clothes), sometimes he'll vaccuum without being told. When he's home when I'm making dinner, he almost always asks what he can do to help -- he's usually my chopper and salad maker. But days he works late, dinner is already made and waiting for him to come home. There have been times we've eaten dinner at 8:30 because he worked until dark.

 

Our lives are rather seasonal, and I find it amazing how our busy and non-busy times blend so perfectly. We carry each other through the busy times, the blahs, and so forth. I still like to see my husband having downtime at night, because truthfully, if I added up my downtime throughout the day (computer time, exercise with movie, and so forth) along with the downtime that I get after the boys go to bed, I get far more most of the time. If I worked non-stop like my husband does, without taking breaks, I'd get a better idea of how many "hours' I put in.

 

But, I really don't like adding it all up. I think the main thing is that we consider each others' needs, that we find ways to bless each other, that we do whatever work has been set before us to the best of our ablility without grumbling.

 

Every family has a different situation, and it's really impossible to pattern one after the other. I have known SAHMs who did not homeschool who still expected their husbands to do half of the cleaning and cooking when they got home from work. I just never understood this, because domestic duties are just not THAT time-consuming if you work with diligence.

[Mx5]

I'm just curious about this. Do you feel it's your "job" to do all of the cooking and cleaning since you're fortunate enough to be at home full time? Do you ask or does your spouse willingly help out? If so, how often and how does he/she help out? If your spouse doesn't help out, do you ever feel resentful?

 

I find that whenever my curiosity or frustration causes me to start comparing my home, husband, or children to others' homes, husbands, or children, I usually end up having to deal with some sort of envy or failure issue in my own heart.

 

With regard to division of labor in marriage, each marriage is so different that it really would be like comparing apples to, say, Rubick's cubes or something like that. Many vast differences will occur simply based on temperaments alone. All jobs are different, and people react to each job's inherent stresses differently. This filters down into the marriage. It also filters into how we view things, and even how we feel physically at times.

 

Other factors that play into life are the number of children, their personalities, their ages. I can tell you that for me, life is MUCH easier now that my kids are older (my youngest is now 8). For others, though, the preteen & teen years are brutal, due to those factors mentioned above.

 

My recommendation for anyone who struggles with what does and doesn't get done around the home by a spouse is this - talk to someone who has lost their spouse to an unexpected death. I know it sounds extreme, but when I find that I am grumpy in heart over how much I do, I think of a dear friend who lost his wife, and I know he would do anything to have her back, whether she never lifted a finger around the house or not. This perspective helps me to gain gratefulness, which in turn helps me to put things in proper perspective in my own heart.

 

Do I talk to my dh about things I'd like him to do around the house? You betcha. Timing, tone, & facial expressions are key. And I don't talk to him about it unless I have a calm heart and a good attitude.

 

Just my ramblings, for what they're worth.

[WTMindy]

homeschooling and teaching part time I pretty much did it all (although he has always done more in the yard/garage/car). I wouldn't have dreamed of asking him to do any of that when I was home all day.

 

For the last 6 years, he has helped me a ton. He cooks sometimes, does a lot of the grocery shopping, helps clean when needed. (He is very neat and I never have to clean up after him and he is good at seeing what needs to be done.)

 

The biggest thing that he has always done (not for me, necessarily, but because he wants to) is to "take over" with the kids from the time he gets home from work until they go to bed. When they were younger it meant he did baths and teeth. Now, he just does stuff with them in the evenings which gives me a break.

[Tami]

I was just telling someone yesterday how a man doing dishes turns me on. And it somehow gives me energy for the evening.

 

and there is a vibrancy to our evenings that would not be there if I spent all evening doing chores. I think many men would choose a fun 'recreational' partner over a perfectly clean house. My point here is that balance is the key - we are going for a loving home, not the cover of Martha Stuart Living.

 

I have met many moms that are too exhausted for "adult fellowship" time at night because they spend all of their energy doing housework and picking up after everyone after a full day of homeschooling. I think the studies showing men who help out at home get more s*x are probably pretty accurate! :001_wub:

 

The key here is that we do whatever makes life easier for our spouse and whatever will promote a peaceful, harmonious place to call home. That will look different in every marriage.

[Volty]

I do nothing. We hire a maid.

[Nestof3]

if I spent all evening doing chores.

 

I agree. Dinner cleanup takes us 10 minutes or less with everyone helping. This is usually the last "job" done in the house except for when I vaccuum. I actually enjoy doing that. After dinner, the house is tidied (that means the boys clean up their things) and I often vaccuum. I actually enjoy that because to me it signifies the closing of a day of work, and I love seeing that all is tidy. Again, with a small house, this takes 10 minutes. Our house is no Martha Stewart or Better Homes & Gardens, mind you, but it is tidy and cozy.

 

I throw a load of clothes in the laundry after everyone gets ready for bed (this is all the clothes from that day), but let's face it, a running washing machine can hardly be considered work. Thank goodness for modern conveniences!

 

The boys usually do something quiet until bedtime -- listen to audio books, draw, play a game with Dad, etc. My husband reads to them. We have Bible time and so forth. I like the days to end peacefully like this. We eat dinner pretty late -- 6:30-7:30, so there isn't much time before the boys have to get ready for bed (8:30) for bedtime (9:00)

 

I usually scrapbook, make cards, hang out on the internet, or spend time with my husband in the evenings. Now that the boys are a little older, I find I have much more relaxing time in the evening/night time.

 

The key here is that we do whatever makes life easier for our spouse and whatever will promote a peaceful, harmonious place to call home. That will look different in every marriage.

 

I totally agree!

[Kari C in SC]

(I should add that my dh *is* Mr. fix-it and does BBQ quite a bit during the warm months

 

This describes my dh. He doesn't do day to day cleaning or cooking. He does fix just about everything. Seriously, if I have to call a repairman for something - I am literally speechless that he can't fix it. He takes care of heavy yard work, etc. He is a mechanic and has a physically demanding workday. Oh he does wash his own work jeans because he uses mechanic goop stuff to get the stains out. His shirts are taken care of by the company. I am FINE with this set up. Actually, I don't like somebody messing with my cleaning routine all that much. I just remembered that when our house was for sale, he did help clean for showings. I guess if I really wanted him to help, he would pitch in. I just feel like I am the one who is home and I have the time to do it.

[Joanne]

In my first marriage:

 

I did all of the laundry, cooking, shopping, cleaning, dr.'s appointments, diapers, feeding, garbage in and out. I cleaned everything, straightened everything, planned everything. He handled money: making it and paying bills. I once asked him to assist, look at or "go over" some homeschooling stuff. He said "that's your job". I asked him if the kids were in public school, would he help with homework and he said "probably not".

 

He traveled a lot. I mean a lot. I made all of the parenting/educational choices. It seemed, at the time, normal and acceptable that I was the one to deal with the related issues.

 

When I ran the daycare/afterschool care, he'd never dream of helping in any way if an errand conflicted with the business.

 

Looking back now, I see he was not involved in homemaking, home management, the details of life with littles or even bigger areas of concern for child rearing.

 

I excused it "he works a lot", "it's my job", "I don't expect him to come home and work".

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

My DH?

 

He will do anything I ask. He does not seem to "see" the work that I do, but when he does see work, he does it. He cooks (I get breakfast in bed a few times a month, he cooks for the kids, too). He cleans the kitchen several times a week (with 5 at home, 3 meals a day and extra people, we clean the kitchen several times a day). He sometimes does laundry. He fixes everything he can. He manages the landscaping with the boys.

 

He alternates coaching the boys' baseball teams. He has taken my kids to medical appointments when there was a conflict. Or stayed home to watch the afterschool kids (my clients know us, him and are ok with this when it happens. The daycare kids adore him).

 

He makes plans for the family (camping, a fishing contest, weekend trips, game nights, worship). He has taken over teaching Texas History and assists in other areas when a child needs help and he's around and I'm busy.

 

He'll shop if I give him a list. He'll even take the kids to give me a break.

 

I pay the bills.

 

Of course, I am also an income producing SAHM. This changes things, somewhat. My kids are older now and also are responsible for much of the home management. DH works from home, often, although that is changing somewhat.

 

I am grateful and blessed.

[dirty ethel rackham]

DH helps out a ton. When we were first married, I worked just as many hours as he did, and we were pretty well split on chores at home. We also had a cleaning lady once a month. After I stayed home, I assumed more of the chores because I was there to do them. However, he would help a lot when we got behind. He has always enjoyed cooking more than me. He gets the laundry going because I guess I am just not on top of it enough for his taste (:)) However, I can't stand they way he folds things so I try to get ahead of him on that.

 

I suffered for many years of an undiagnosed thyroid problem and just couldn't manage much. DH took over many chores because of this.

 

Now that my kids are older, they help out with chores more. However, we think my full-time job is teaching the kids and his full-time job is his job. So we are a little more even on chore responsibility.

[asher]

Ours has been in an ebb and flow. Dh works as a US Army Recruiter, so he puts in an amazing number of hours, but I have a PT job as a nanny, too. I have been doing the greater amount of housework, cooking, etc., but have recently reached a point of being overwhelmed and a little resentful, too. So, after much discussion he is helping out a lot more and it makes a HUGE difference. I've really tried to make a point of thanking him and telling him how helpful it is.

[Cricket]

Dh doesn't help with household chores much at all, except maybe to point out things we missed. ;) (I think he gets frustrated with himself that he doesn't have time to help out.) I even check my own oil in the car, take care of the weeds in the landscaping (an HOA is a pain!), help the boys with their tkd and baseball. These are things I think of as a "man's" responsibility, but dh works long days so I do what I can. Sometimes I get resentful but I tell myself to quit whining. Some days that works and some days that doesn't. :) I have to remember that we are in this as a family and it isn't dh and me in some sort of competition for who does more.

 

Like others have said I get my dc involved. They are old enough now to be a help. This morning I had some things to get done so all four of them sorted and folded two loads of laundry and put all the clothes away. Surprisingly it was my youngest two who were the biggest help. They worked cheerfully and consistently. They do help around the house most days. They have regular chores that need doing.

[Call Me Cordelia]

DH only takes trash to street once a week. When I was working a full time job and a part time job along with hs'ing he would sometimes clean up the kitchen.

 

Now that I am only working a full time job and hs'ing, he will clean up the kitchen sporadically.

 

He will usually take one child to a sporting event, but rarely practices.

 

My kids are awesome - one dd bakes and cooks dinner almost every night, one bakes bread. They all get their own meals; we are working on filling in the gaps.

 

I don't think it's ideal, although I have much more sympathy for how tired people are after working 40 hours outside the home!

[Tonia]

DH is a huge help - he is the one to point out that parenting/homeschooling is a full-time job and keeping the house (cleaning, cooking, laundry, shopping, etc.) is another job. His only "job" is to take out the trash when it is full and the outdoor stuff (shoveling in winter, mowing in the summer, etc.) but he helps out around the house all the time- floors, laundry, dishes, whatever I need him to do.

[Gamom3]

No, I do not feel that it is 100% my job. Dh gets 2 days off a week and 4 wks paid vacation. I do not get 2 days OFF or 4wks vacation. I still have to cook, clean and take care of everything and I do mean everything.

 

 

I know he makes the $$, but still I think it's only fair to help around the house. Even if I was bring home a little $$, I would still have to do the same things with no help.

[Jean in Newcastle]

90% of the time I am cook, gardener, book-keeper, housekeeper, and teacher. But about once a month (could it be his hormones?) he will come into the kitchen and sigh loudly and will start to clean it from top to bottom. He does an excellent job but woe is me if I was saving milk cartons for a science experiment etc. because it is all gone! I am glad for the help but I have to admit that I hide when he does this partly because it also irritates me (because it is done without warning and his banging around - not in anger but with excess energy - makes me nervous!)

[mcconnellboys]

Well, I think it's pretty normal to feel put upon when you're working, working, working, and others around you are lounging. It's hard to think about the fact that they might have worked hard elsewhere, LOL.....

 

My husband got me to start cooking by agreeing to do the dishes. I have some weird, heebie-jeebies left over from childhood about doing dishes - don't ask.... Now, his idea of doing them is to always leave some in the sink (the "seed" dishes to start a new batch?) and to leave all the clean pots and pans in stacks on the counters (although he can remember where they go in the shelves when he wants to get one *out*....) But I'm happy to work around all that most of the time, so it works well enough for us. My older son now also helps out with the dishes some, and my younger son will be doing that, too, soon enough.

 

My husband used to also take care of all the garbage, but now the boys have taken most of that over between them.

 

He mows the lawn and I handle the beds. This is after I threatened him that if he pulled another perennial out by the roots I'd hurt him, LOL..... Since he doesn't like wasting money, it was not difficult to prevail upon him to leave my beds alone. He does help me with mulching.

 

He has begun helping with vacuuming in the past 3-4 years. He knows that I just don't have enough time to get a lot of regular housework done. Between the boys activities and all the volunteer stuff I do, I'm just not home that much. I don't really think of myself as a SAHM, because I'm not really home all that much - and when I am, we're generally doing school work. None of them want me to vacuum at night while they're trying to watch TV, play a game, etc. Occasionally, when we're expecting someone, I will do this (like last night), but evening is generally down time for all of us - and a time for me to make my computer contacts for events we're doing with other homeschoolers; to take sign-ups for events from folks and answer questions; to offer books for sale; to work on my planning for next year, etc.

 

Regena