Don't let your kids ask my kids why they only have 2 siblings

[TravelingChris]

This one was a new one for us in our 15 years of homeschooling. My middle is in a co-op class with three other kids. All those kids come from large families. I think the teacher stepped out to get photocopies and these kids (all are middle or high schoolers) started peppering my dd with why our family only has three kids. My dd mumbled something about how having 2 adhd kids was enough (the oldest two are but the middle wasn't diagnosed until after the 3rd was born). That isn't the real reason but one that she came up with at that moment (probably because I had said to her that there is a reason most families with 7 or more kids have calm kids- they wouldn't have had 7 adhders.)

Just a note to families with lots of kids, just like my kids aren't allowed to make rude comments about large families, other kids shouldn't be make rude inquiries about our medium sized family or someone else's one child family. (We do have a number of one and two child families at this co-op and our family is not that strange having three kids either. In fact, with a quick look through our co-op directory, the average seems to be around four).

[Pink Fairy]

Oh, I cringe just hearing about that. I hope the parents would be appalled that their kids would ask such a question. I would be!

[Amber in AUS]

Right there with you. Teach your kids some respect. I feel my blood boiling for you!

[Crimson Wife]

{{{hugs}}} I have a good friend who suffered from multiple miscarriages both before and after her only son. I didn't know until I got pregnant with my 3rd and she told me how much she'd hoped for another child but it wasn't God's plan for her. You just cannot ever assume anything when it comes to something as personal as family size.

[jg_puppy]

You just cannot ever assume anything when it comes to something as personal as family size.

 

:iagree:

Jan

[newlifemom]

{{{hugs}}} You just cannot ever assume anything when it comes to something as personal as family size.

 

 

Amen.

[hornblower]

Sorry but any conversation about the size of a family and how many children people have always makes me think of Monty Python's Meaning of Life.

 

Mr & Mrs Blackitt discussing Catholics.

 

Mrs Blackitt: What are we dear?

 

Mr Blackitt: Protestant, and fiercely proud of it...

 

Mrs Blackitt: Why do they have so many children...?

 

Mr Blackitt: Because every time they have sexual intercourse they

have to have a baby.

 

Mrs Blackitt: But it's the same with us, Harry.

 

Mr Blackitt: What d'you mean...?

 

Mrs Blackitt: Well, I mean, we've got two children and we've had

sexual intercourse twice.

 

Mr Blackitt: That's not the point!!!

[MIch elle]

They come from a family where the philosophy of family life is different. But then again it depends on how the question was asked. :)

 

When I was inquiring about homeschooling (13 yrs ago) I asked about socialization :glare: I just didn't know any better and was truly interested in homeschooling.

[scubamama]

Oh your poor kid! To be put on the spot like that! Large family size doesn't equal holiness or greatness or anything except a larger number of folks in the family. I'd want to talk to the kids who asked and find out why they wanted to know or if they were doing it to make someone feel bad.

If my kids said that, I'm pretty sure I would flip out on them!

 

Michele

[Trixie]

Just a note to families with lots of kids, just like my kids aren't allowed to make rude comments about large families, other kids shouldn't be make rude inquiries about our medium sized family or someone else's one child family.

 

Indeed. I've gotten some remarkably rude comments and questions from both adults and children about our one-child family. One mom even commented that parents of singletons aren't real parents because we never have to deal with sibling issues.

[mycalling]

I'd have to know the way it was said to think anything of their asking. We're they truly grilling her or just inquisitive? Kids and adults alike ask why we have so many children, but we're not insulted by their inquiry.

 

My kids did think it was weird when they started sports that most kids only had 1 or 2 siblings, but they never said anything to them. It was just an oddity to them that they noticed. We had to tell them that most people don't have a lot of children...we're the oddity.

 

We have 2 ADHDers, also, by the way. They are our oldest and 3rd oldest of 7. They all behave well in public, but that's not their personalities. It's what we demand so we can function in public.

[Nestof3]

Yes, I've had a few daughters of families we housechurch with ask me why I don't have a baby or if I am going to have another baby.

[Renthead Mommy]

I've gotten it from adults! Only it was alone the lines of either asking when we were having more, or the more polite version of "so you only have one?"

 

When you tell them that he's the only one we are having, they give you this whole pity thing because they think there must be a medical reason we can't don't have more. There is a medical reason. We sent my husband in for a vasectomy!

[nd293]

I'd have to know the way it was said to think anything of their asking. We're they truly grilling her or just inquisitive?

 

:iagree:I think family size and reasons therefore are interesting. I also think religious views and choices are interesting, but I'm not brave enough to ask about those!

[TravelingChris]

I am not sure she knows why we don't have more kids, not that it is a secret, just that I haven't really brought it up. I have a chronic disease that went away when I was pregnant but came back worse after giving birth. I probably had it before my second, but definitely had it and was diagnosed before my third. After she was born, I had to go on medication that ruled out children while I was on it. Since it was what was keeping me able to take care of my children (and with an active duty husband who frequently travelled), this was not a hard dilemma. I went on the medicine so I could take care of the newborn. I had spaced my kids several years apart so I would have the energy to deal with them. I also found out that I had another medical condition that increased my liklihood of miscarriages and blood clots. I hadn't had any miscarriages but had had a blood clot. I never got off that medication and have in fact, gotten on even worse medication for pregnancy. We won't have any more natural children.

 

I would just hope that even families who do think that everyone should try to have large families would teach their children grace and not to ask such personal questions. We have made it a point to teach our children not to ask other families why they have a lot or only one or ask married people why they don't have children. They may be curious but as middle schoolers and high schoolers, they should have learned not to ask everything they are curious about. Oh, and my daughter was amazed by the question because it was asked more than one kid and in a way like there was something wrong with her or us. She has been homeschooled her entire life and been in many homeschool groups. All the ones we have ever been associated with had at least half of the families being small to medium sized and this group is no different. I can't blame the parents though since they may very well have no idea there kids got the impression that large families are the only worthy ones or some such notion. Kids can get very strange impressions and ideas.

[tofuscramble]

For some, a family of 5 is considered a bigger family. We live in an area where one or two kids is the norm.

[Sugarfoot]

I think that a lot of people feel that it's okay to comment on other people's family-size choices. Here's a funny thing that happened to us a couple of weeks ago. Hopefully, it'll make you laugh.

 

Our youngest 2 are really close--14 mos. apart. Many, many people offer "commentary" about this. "Wow, you've been busy." "Don't you know what causes that?!" etc. etc.

 

Last week, though, we were in the Bahamas, and a total stranger inquired about their ages. DH answered patiently, as always. Instead of one of the above responses, though, she exclaimed, "WOW!!! You had Catholic twins!!!":lol:

 

I had never heard this expression before in my life! I laughed so hard once I figured out what she meant. Later, I heard someone say that Catholic twins used to be siblings born 9 months apart. I guess the acceptable age span has increased a bit as times have changed?! Who knows?

 

The funniest part was that after we were past her a bit, DD 11 said, "Mom, How did she know we were Catholic?":lol:

[Pink Fairy]

I think that a lot of people feel that it's okay to comment on other people's family-size choices. Here's a funny thing that happened to us a couple of weeks ago. Hopefully, it'll make you laugh.

 

Our youngest 2 are really close--14 mos. apart. Many, many people offer "commentary" about this. "Wow, you've been busy." "Don't you know what causes that?!" etc. etc.

 

Last week, though, we were in the Bahamas, and a total stranger inquired about their ages. DH answered patiently, as always. Instead of one of the above responses, though, she exclaimed, "WOW!!! You had Catholic twins!!!":lol:

 

I had never heard this expression before in my life! I laughed so hard once I figured out what she meant. Later, I heard someone say that Catholic twins used to be siblings born 9 months apart. I guess the acceptable age span has increased a bit as times have changed?! Who knows?

 

The funniest part was that after we were past her a bit, DD 11 said, "Mom, How did she know we were Catholic?":lol:

 

I've heard it called Irish twins. It's usually defined as having 2 children 12 months apart or less. My sil has a set. :001_smile:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would teach your kids to say, "That's how many kids God has given us."

[sassenach]

In Florida (where we used to live), 3-4 was average, but bigger families were not unusual. Here in California, people look at me like I have 3 heads when I tell them that we have 4. Truly, sharing that you have more than 2 kids will illicit gasps. It's so strange.

 

All I have to say is that teens are dopes. They have no idea when they are being offensive (at least not on stuff like that, where they have no life experience).

[gevs4him]

Well how rude :grouphug: Where is Miss Manners when you need her :confused: We were only blessed with two children and they are 12 years apart. So I would be very taken back by such a comment :glare:

Lisa

[Guest Katia]

Your poor dd. Trying to answer such a personal question when she doesn't really know the answer.....wow. I agree that teaching your kids to say,"this is what God has given us" is a great answer.

 

I know how hard it is to be asked why you don't have more kids....from adults; adults of large (7-9 and counting) families. And, I have 3 kids! I thought that was ok. When I say, "this is what God gifted us with", they really don't believe me! Sometimes I say, "God knew this was all we could handle" and they roll their eyes.

 

Really, I don't hang around with families with lots of kids anymore for this very reason. I am made to feel inferior because I don't have 'more', and my kids get things like "aren't you lonely/bored" and "you're house is too neat" and "it's too quiet here" from the kids. That kind of judgment we don't need.

[cathmom]

Really, I don't hang around with families with lots of kids anymore for this very reason. I am made to feel inferior because I don't have 'more', and my kids get things like "aren't you lonely/bored" and "you're house is too neat" and "it's too quiet here" from the kids. That kind of judgment we don't need.

 

Wow, I think my older dc would be saying, "It's wonderful that it's so quiet here!" and "Your house is so neat! I love it!"

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

Yes, I've had a few daughters of families we housechurch with ask me why I don't have a baby or if I am going to have another baby.

 

I have a short list of people I avoid for this reason :(

 

I would never cast a shadow on a little girl's worldview (that all Mommies have lots of babies and God blesses good people with a dozen children) and I would not burden or confuse them by telling them that there's nothing I'd love better than another baby but I can't have one!

 

So I'm left with all the yucky feelings. I'm left feeling as if I'm defective and outside someone's idea of normal and good, yet still feeling responsible for smiling pleasantly at the little girl and saying something shallow and sweet.

[happi duck]

This is a pet peeve of mine. I get tired of hearing, IRL, that those with many children are 'better' or more 'blessed'. :glare:

[Friederike in Persia]

How well do they know one another? Isn't it ok to go and find out from others what makes them tick?

I know that it differs for everybody as to what is polite and what isn't, but don't you think that it would make for a more honest place if people would communicate in a more open way?! ;)

[Melinda in VT]

I have a short list of people I avoid for this reason :(

 

I would never cast a shadow on a little girl's worldview (that all Mommies have lots of babies and God blesses good people with a dozen children) and I would not burden or confuse them by telling them that there's nothing I'd love better than another baby but I can't have one!

 

So I'm left with all the yucky feelings. I'm left feeling as if I'm defective and outside someone's idea of normal and good, yet still feeling responsible for smiling pleasantly at the little girl and saying something shallow and sweet.

 

I wouldn't think of it as burdening her. You never know which of those little girls is going to grow up to have fertility issues. When that happens, I would hope that she would know of other people who wanted to have more kids and couldn't.

 

(I'm not saying you should feel obligated to share your struggles with every little girl. But neither should you feel you can't speak your reality because it doesn't mesh with her world view.)

[Parrothead]

So I'm left with all the yucky feelings. I'm left feeling as if I'm defective and outside someone's idea of normal and good, yet still feeling responsible for smiling pleasantly at the little girl and saying something shallow and sweet.

 

This is a pet peeve of mine. I get tired of hearing, IRL, that those with many children are 'better' or more 'blessed'. :glare:

:iagree:

Then there is the whole thing about being Catholic and having only one. I've had to explain several times that we aren't committing mortal sin because we only have one.

[bkpan]

How well do they know one another? Isn't it ok to go and find out from others what makes them tick?

I know that it differs for everybody as to what is polite and what isn't, but don't you think that it would make for a more honest place if people would communicate in a more open way?! ;)

 

Yeah. I learn so much from this board :rolleyes:

 

It never would have occurred to me that a young teen asking someone about their family size would be offensive. Of course, I wasnt there, so perhaps it was asked in an unkind way. But usually, I think people just try to get to know others, and sometimes they may step on toes that they did not realize were bruised.

 

Why would someone feel inferior due to family size? I really, really do not get it. We get asked ALL the time about the number of dc we have (6), and neither dh nor I have been offended by it. (OK, maybe once when some lady was clearly trying to be rude). The comments get a little old, but we figure it is just folks making small talk, trying to connect.

 

I am sorry your dd felt uncomfortable about the questions. I think I would have laughed and told my dd not to give little things like that a second thought.

 

Hopefully, she will continue to get to know these other kids and find some good qualities as well.

 

Kim

[Murphy101]

Gotta say I don't think they were rude just bc she didn't know how to answer them.

 

This seems like basic teen getting to know each other stuff to me. I remember when I met other kids in jr high and high school that we asked those questions. In fact, I remember when I met my dh asking him about siblings and he said he didn't have any. I asked why. He said well he had type 1 diabetes and they didn't want to have another kid with it and they really didn't like the hassel of little ones or being pregnant so his dad got a vas shortly after he was born.

 

I remember other kids asking if I had siblings and upon learning I am the youngest of 4 by 10 years, asking if I was from a second marriage or an oops baby or what.

 

Teens in general are known for having lots of questions and wanting deeper answers to those questions.

 

If the other kids were hateful in some way then that was certainly wrong. But that teens would be talking about family size, religion and life styles and comparing their lives does not surprise me in the least nor do I think it neccesarily rude.

[Tenaj]

Wow, I think my older dc would be saying, "It's wonderful that it's so quiet here!" and "Your house is so neat! I love it!"

 

:iagree:

[Susan in TN]

This is a foolish thing to ask a child. How would they know *really*? If the curious person was in a fairly close personal relationship with the parents, then they should ask the parents.

 

I tell my kids (most of whom have some disorder or another and are NOT quiet or calm :tongue_smilie:) that God has a plan for each family - some are big and some are small. He decided that ours would be big.

[kpupg]

Your poor dd. Trying to answer such a personal question when she doesn't really know the answer.....wow. I agree that teaching your kids to say,"this is what God has given us" is a great answer.

 

I know how hard it is to be asked why you don't have more kids....from adults; adults of large (7-9 and counting) families. And, I have 3 kids! I thought that was ok. When I say, "this is what God gifted us with", they really don't believe me! Sometimes I say, "God knew this was all we could handle" and they roll their eyes.

 

Really, I don't hang around with families with lots of kids anymore for this very reason. I am made to feel inferior because I don't have 'more', and my kids get things like "aren't you lonely/bored" and "you're house is too neat" and "it's too quiet here" from the kids. That kind of judgment we don't need.

 

 

:iagree:

 

 

I think if I found out about that kind of questioning of my kids, I would be in that mother's face telling her "thank you for making this a painful day of remembering infertility and prenatal death" by failing to teach her children boundaries.

 

Or that notion of large families being "more blessed" -- wow, is that Old Testament or what? Are those self-described Christians really implying that I'm somehow being punished with infertility and prenatal death? I don't need, want, or respect that kind of religion.

 

Keep your assumptions to yourself, people.

 

/end rant

Karen

[kiana]

Gotta say I don't think they were rude just bc she didn't know how to answer them.

 

This seems like basic teen getting to know each other stuff to me. I remember when I met other kids in jr high and high school that we asked those questions. In fact, I remember when I met my dh asking him about siblings and he said he didn't have any. I asked why. He said well he had type 1 diabetes and they didn't want to have another kid with it and they really didn't like the hassel of little ones or being pregnant so his dad got a vas shortly after he was born.

 

I remember other kids asking if I had siblings and upon learning I am the youngest of 4 by 10 years, asking if I was from a second marriage or an oops baby or what.

 

Teens in general are known for having lots of questions and wanting deeper answers to those questions.

 

If the other kids were hateful in some way then that was certainly wrong. But that teens would be talking about family size, religion and life styles and comparing their lives does not surprise me in the least nor do I think it neccesarily rude.

 

:iagree:

[Guest Katia]

:iagree:

 

 

I think if I found out about that kind of questioning of my kids, I would be in that mother's face telling her "thank you for making this a painful day of remembering infertility and prenatal death" by failing to teach her children boundaries.

 

Or that notion of large families being "more blessed" -- wow, is that Old Testament or what? Are those self-described Christians really implying that I'm somehow being punished with infertility and prenatal death? I don't need, want, or respect that kind of religion.

 

Keep your assumptions to yourself, people.

 

/end rant

Karen

 

:grouphug::grouphug: I understand. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Kanga]

My middle child was asked this by some kids once and he said, "because my mom is only batting 500 on live births".:glare: I wasn't thrilled with his response, even if he told the truth, but on the upside NOBODY has ever said anything to any of us again on our family size again!