Guidance in responding to my niece

[Scarlett]

My niece is a very immature 21 year old. She lived with me a year ago for a few months and it ended badly----mostly thanks to my stbxh's stupidity and my marriage falling apart. All of that had nothing to do with her,but she was caught in the cross fires so to speak. She behaved disrespectfully toward me and I asked her to move out. She did not take it well. Things have rocked on with minimal contact but it has been polite. She has expressed a real unhappiness with me and my mom 'telling her what to do.'

 

Which brings me to this issue. I am hosting a family dinner at my house on Saturday for my parents anniversary. I swallowed my pride and sent her an email that said, 'anniversary was today, party at my house on Saturday, we'd love to have you. We all love and miss you.' She answers like this...which is typical for her.

 

"Yes, I knew it was their anniversary and I will try to make it, but it's kinda last minute and we had plans here this weekend. :(

 

Love,

Niece"

 

This kind of response from her drives me straight up the wall! I want to respond to her and say, 'Do not insult my invitation to you by pointing out it was too last minute for you. Do not insult my invitation to you by pointing out that you will 'try' to make it. Just say, 'Thank you for inviting me. Regretfully I already have plans for that day. I hope to see you all soon.' Or better yet, say, 'I will be there! Love you all too!'

 

I'm thinking that is not the wise course. Please tell me how YOU would respond to this type of response.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Honestly, I would not respond. I would make sure there is enough food and a place setting for her.

 

If she was still a child and was under my care and direction, I would redirect her response as you wrote it out. But she's not.

 

I'm sorry that she's being a brat.

[Scarlett]

Honestly, I would not respond. I would make sure there is enough food and a place setting for her.

 

If she was still a child and was under my care and direction, I would redirect her response as you wrote it out. But she's not.

 

I'm sorry that she's being a brat.

 

Ok, I can agree that I should not respond. At all? Not even, 'hope to see you Saturday.' ?

 

But you do agree that her response to my invitation is ridiculous? Immature?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Ok, I can agree that I should not respond. At all? Not even, 'hope to see you Saturday.' ?

 

But you do agree that her response to my invitation is ridiculous? Immature?

 

Yes, her response to the invitation is immature and rude. And I think she should have responded exactly as you had wished for her to respond!

 

But no, I don't think that you should respond at all. (Partly because responding at this point opens the door for more immature and rude responses back. . .)

[Scarlett]

Yes, her response to the invitation is immature and rude. And I think she should have responded exactly as you had wished for her to respond!

 

But no, I don't think that you should respond at all. (Partly because responding at this point opens the door for more immature and rude responses back. . .)

 

Ok. Thank you. This actually helps me more than you can know. My poor mother. I didn't tell her I invited niece....I sure won't now since niece responded with that typical 'I'll try' nonsense. If she shows it will just be a nice surprise for everyone I guess.

 

Thanks Jean.

[Samiam]

Aren't all 21 year olds immature, compared to 31 year olds? Aren't all 31 year olds immature compared to 41 year olds? My point is, yeah, maybe her response wasn't 100% politically correct, but it's only rude if you choose to take it that way. Frankly, it was a last minute invitation. Frankly, if she just said she couldn't come without explanation, you probably would have been mad too. Seems to me, she probably couldn't have responded in a way that made you happy, since you are already put out with her. She's 21. She is going to make alot of mistakes in the next few years, it's part of growing up.

 

Let it go. Be there, be firm in your beliefs but fair in your treatment. Either she will mature and come around to your side of the fence or she won't but you should lead by example, not fall into the ditch with her.

 

IMHO,

K

[Natalieclare]

Maybe it's because I'm kind of a casual person, but her response didn't seem terrible to me. I could see myself saying something similar...not to point out to you that you flubbed in making it last minute but to provide you with a reason why I wasn't able to rush right over. And I would probably "try to make it" too. I do that often (to my own detriment)--run off to one obligation, find out about another opportunity and try to squeeze it in. I hate missing out on a party!

 

You know how difficult it can be to put tone across in an email. Maybe a past experience is coloring your perception of her tone in the email. And possibly, since the invite was through email, do you think it might lend itself to a casual reply?

 

Just giving you another take on the reply...:D

 

Have a smashing event!

[Scarlett]

Frankly, it was a last minute invitation. Frankly, if she just said she couldn't come without explanation, you probably would have been mad too.

K

 

Really? I guess that is a matter of perspective. Anyone at anytime can have made plans that conflict with an invitation. This is a young girl who lives at home and has no job and is not in school and has zero responsibility. I don't think it is 'last minute' to invite her to a family dinner on Tuesday for that Saturday. And in view of the fact that she has been estranged from our family for months, I would think she might meet me half way in this effort to restore family harmony.

[Scarlett]

Maybe it's because I'm kind of a casual person, but her response didn't seem terrible to me. I could see myself saying something similar...not to point out to you that you flubbed in making it last minute but to provide you with a reason why I wasn't able to rush right over. And I would probably "try to make it" too. I do that often (to my own detriment)--run off to one obligation, find out about another opportunity and try to squeeze it in. I hate missing out on a party!

 

You know how difficult it can be to put tone across in an email. Maybe a past experience is coloring your perception of her tone in the email. And possibly, since the invite was through email, do you think it might lend itself to a casual reply?

 

Just giving you another take on the reply...:D

 

Have a smashing event!

 

I never want to be told that I invited someone too 'last minute'. That is an insult to my invitation. Even if I invited you Saturday morning for Saturday night, I don't want to be told, 'well, gee if you weren't such a loser hostess and knew how to properly invite people I might would have considered it.'

 

I could easily accept, 'oh drat! I already have plans!!!! I would have loved to come and I hope we can get together soon.'

 

And it not the casualness of the reply. We are a casual family.

[myfunnybunch]

I too would chalk it up to youth and inexperience/immaturity. She may feel uncomfortable saying "No" politely. She may feel awkward and torn because of your strained relationship.

 

I wouldn't take it personally. I didn't read the "last minute" bit as a jab at you as a hostess, just a rather awkward way of saying the first thing that came into her head. I think the response is more clumsy than anything and she'd likely be startled and a little embarrassed if she realized how it came across to you.

 

I think a nice short "Well, we'd love to have you if you're free" would be lovely and gracious and might make it more likely she'll attend. And no response would be fine too :) and you can all be pleasantly surprised if she's able to make it.

 

Cat

[s.z.ichigo]

Maybe I'm really immature myself, but I read and reread it but I didn't see anything rude about her reply at all. Maybe not formal, but not rude either. If I got an invitation to something I couldn't attend I may well use those exact words and mean nothing insulting at all by it. I wouldn't assume the worst.

[mooooom]

that everyone else was invited before her, and she might know this? If so, and it was me, I might have sent a response like that as well. It would be insulting to be invited as an "after thought". If not, and everyone was invited at the same time, it does come across as a bit rude.

[lynn]

Is it possible that she did not mean it to be insulting but rather it's coming from a 21 year old girl who has a life with her friends and does already have plans with them? when I was 20 I did not keep track of my the date of my sisters wedding shower and had already had plans for that night and I followed through with my plans and did not bother with my sisters shower.

[Sophia]

You described her as an immature 21 year old, and that answer certainly reflects that.

If I saw my child respond to an invite in that manner, I would explain why that was rude and how it should be worded, but if she wasn't taught...well what seems like common sense to us isn't always so to younger people.

 

Definitely let it go, if your relationship is currently strained she's not going to be looking for help with her manners.

[Harriet Vane]

I'm with Jean in Newcastle on this one. Yes, her response is rude, but no, I don't think you should respond back to her.

[ravengal]

Her response seems casual, not rude, and normal for someone her age. Email communication lends itself to these short, off-the-cuff responses as well.

[Tiff in TX]

I was 21 six years ago, and I didn't see a problem with her response.

She responded informally to an invitation that sounded like it was also informal.

 

Could she have worded it differently? Sure, but when I first read it, I got the feeling that she mentioned the fact that the invite was last minute because it was her way of reinforcing the fact that she already had plans. I don't think so much should be read into a very short, one line email.

 

I can also remember at that age always having something planned on the weekends. Granted I was in college and this girl isn't, but she still has friends.

 

I think you should reply. If only to keep the lines of communication open between the two of you.

[kalanamak]

Her response seems casual, not rude, and normal for someone her age. Email communication lends itself to these short, off-the-cuff responses as well.

 

Also, from what I've seen, this is rather typical these days. I don't think she was trying to be rude or hurtful. If you were close, and she was younger, I could correct, but not as things stand now. I'd be overjoyed if my son's sisters could spell his (four letter) name right.

[LauraGB]

that everyone else was invited before her, and she might know this? If so, and it was me, I might have sent a response like that as well. It would be insulting to be invited as an "after thought". If not, and everyone was invited at the same time, it does come across as a bit rude.

 

:iagree:

An email invitation in and of itself is a casual ordeal, illiciting a casual response, imo. And, she is 21, so she probably does already have her plans made for Saturday night.

 

I'd shrug it off and let it go.

[secular_mom]

I never want to be told that I invited someone too 'last minute'. That is an insult to my invitation. Even if I invited you Saturday morning for Saturday night, I don't want to be told, 'well, gee if you weren't such a loser hostess and knew how to properly invite people I might would have considered it.'

 

I could easily accept, 'oh drat! I already have plans!!!! I would have loved to come and I hope we can get together soon.'

 

And it not the casualness of the reply. We are a casual family.

 

Wow. You can't control what other people are going to say in response to an invitation. I don't really see anything wrong with her e-mail. She did NOT say you are a loser hostess, but I'm guessing you are feeling like one. Try not to read so much into what other people say. Most times others are not thinking about us NEARLY as much as we think they are.

:chillpill:

 

You sent an invitation, she was kind enough to reply and let you know that she has plans so she may/may not be able to attend your dinner. Accept what she has offered graciously, and don't dwell on it any more.

[lionfamily1999]

My niece is a very immature 21 year old. She lived with me a year ago for a few months and it ended badly----mostly thanks to my stbxh's stupidity and my marriage falling apart. All of that had nothing to do with her,but she was caught in the cross fires so to speak. She behaved disrespectfully toward me and I asked her to move out. She did not take it well. Things have rocked on with minimal contact but it has been polite. She has expressed a real unhappiness with me and my mom 'telling her what to do.'

 

Which brings me to this issue. I am hosting a family dinner at my house on Saturday for my parents anniversary. I swallowed my pride and sent her an email that said, 'anniversary was today, party at my house on Saturday, we'd love to have you. We all love and miss you.' She answers like this...which is typical for her.

 

"Yes, I knew it was their anniversary and I will try to make it, but it's kinda last minute and we had plans here this weekend. :(

 

Love,

Niece"

 

This kind of response from her drives me straight up the wall! I want to respond to her and say, 'Do not insult my invitation to you by pointing out it was too last minute for you. Do not insult my invitation to you by pointing out that you will 'try' to make it. Just say, 'Thank you for inviting me. Regretfully I already have plans for that day. I hope to see you all soon.' Or better yet, say, 'I will be there! Love you all too!'

 

I'm thinking that is not the wise course. Please tell me how YOU would respond to this type of response.

When I read the dates (in your letter to her), my first thought was unvitation. Looks like she thought the same thing.

 

I think she may have felt a little insulted by your invitation, given that it didn't really give her time to plan for it.

 

I would keep mum, or else even apologize for not having sent the invite sooner. (ducking)

[lionfamily1999]

Really? I guess that is a matter of perspective. Anyone at anytime can have made plans that conflict with an invitation. This is a young girl who lives at home and has no job and is not in school and has zero responsibility. I don't think it is 'last minute' to invite her to a family dinner on Tuesday for that Saturday. And in view of the fact that she has been estranged from our family for months, I would think she might meet me half way in this effort to restore family harmony.

You know, my family does this to me ALL THE TIME. After all, I'm a sahm, I don't have a 'real' job. We homeschool, it's not as though I have anything else to do than to sit around here while my children go wild and just wait for invitations to things.

 

Now, she may not actually feel anything like that, but having btdt I can say it's disrespectful at the very least. She is an adult and imo, should be treated as such.

 

Oh, as for the olive branch, maybe it didn't seem like you went halfway. Halfway would've been, imo, an invitation with enough time to actually make arrangments.

I never want to be told that I invited someone too 'last minute'. That is an insult to my invitation. Even if I invited you Saturday morning for Saturday night, I don't want to be told, 'well, gee if you weren't such a loser hostess and knew how to properly invite people I might would have considered it.'

 

I could easily accept, 'oh drat! I already have plans!!!! I would have loved to come and I hope we can get together soon.'

 

And it not the casualness of the reply. We are a casual family.

Why should they bend over backwards because the invitation was last minute? Again, I would've seen it as a. an UNvitation and b. insulting.

[bkpan]

Really? I guess that is a matter of perspective. Anyone at anytime can have made plans that conflict with an invitation. This is a young girl who lives at home and has no job and is not in school and has zero responsibility. I don't think it is 'last minute' to invite her to a family dinner on Tuesday for that Saturday. And in view of the fact that she has been estranged from our family for months, I would think she might meet me half way in this effort to restore family harmony.

 

Well, but can you see that assuming that because she is young, with little responsibility, that the timing of your invite might not be seen as last minute, and perhaps not affording her the same respect you might have had for someone older?

 

Either way, you are probably both very sensitive to the situation, which interferes with all of your communication. I would assume the best, hope that she comes, and treat her with the same grace and welcome you would give to all of the family. Maybe this will be the first step in healing. :grouphug:

 

Kim

[Kathleen in VA]

Well, but can you see that assuming that because she is young, with little responsibility, that the timing of your invite might not be seen as last minute, and perhaps not affording her the same respect you might have had for someone older?

 

Either way, you are probably both very sensitive to the situation, which interferes with all of your communication. I would assume the best, hope that she comes, and treat her with the same grace and welcome you would give to all of the family. Maybe this will be the first step in healing. :grouphug:

 

Kim

 

:iagree:After reading all the replies so far, I agree with everyone.:D I mean, your invitation could have been taken by her many different ways - uninvitation, late in coming, nice you thought of me, I already have plans, I don't already have plans but just don't want to see you so am saying I already have plans, etc....

 

Likewise, her reply could be taken by you many different ways and, no doubt, your response to it is colored by past negative experiences with her.

 

That said, you really aren't in a position as her aunt to instruct her on manners. So that's out.

 

As an aunt (I have 3 nieces and 3 nephews all in their 20's) I have seen some pretty lousy behavior. This behavior from young men and women who really ought to know better - been raised by a great mom and gone to the same wonderful church as our family all their lives, etc. However, they are young and inexperienced and have had some real doozies of inappropriate behavior over the years, bless their little hearts. I cringe to think of the stupid things I said and did when I was that age - ugh!!!

 

Your best bet is to think the best of her (that's how I read I. Cor. 13), even if it may not be warranted, and model the gracious behavior you want to see in her. Leave the past in the past - don't keep thinking about that in regards to her. She is growing and nothing is more discouraging to someone trying to grow up than to be put in the box of their old, immature behavior. I think it's commendable that she even replied.

 

If she does show up, be genuinely happy to see her, give her a big hug and say, "Oh, I'm so glad you could make it after all. I felt bad that I sent your invitation out so late, sorry about that. Anyway, come on in, I'm just so glad you could come." In other words, model graciousness and don't wait to see if she deserves it or not. None of us really deserves graciousness - it is a gift - just like God's grace.

 

If she doesn't come, just save all that grace for the next event and try not to read too much into this last email. She honestly could have other plans, be glad you invited her, wish she could be there, but just can't get out of her other commitment. I acknowledge that she may just be holding a grudge and doesn't want to see you, but don't assume that. Give her a chance to grow up and just treat her how you'd want to be treated.

[eternalknot]

Aren't all 21 year olds immature, compared to 31 year olds? Aren't all 31 year olds immature compared to 41 year olds? My point is, yeah, maybe her response wasn't 100% politically correct, but it's only rude if you choose to take it that way. Frankly, it was a last minute invitation. Frankly, if she just said she couldn't come without explanation, you probably would have been mad too. Seems to me, she probably couldn't have responded in a way that made you happy, since you are already put out with her. She's 21. She is going to make alot of mistakes in the next few years, it's part of growing up.

 

Let it go. Be there, be firm in your beliefs but fair in your treatment. Either she will mature and come around to your side of the fence or she won't but you should lead by example, not fall into the ditch with her.

 

IMHO,

K

 

:iagree:

 

Later posts go on to say the neice may have felt upset about the last-minute notice, but I wonder if her reply was also rooted in some feeling hurt.

 

We're a casual family, and last-minute get-togethers are common. I have an aunt who has been very cold towards me for a decade now, following what was once an extremely close "second mother" type of relationship that had a big blowout. On different occasions we've each tried to extend the olive branch, but the other party wasn't ready or willing - and honestly, the extending of the branch wasn't in 100% grace. It was with negative feelings still festering. In the moment, it was easy to blame the other party for being rude or unreceptive. In hindsight, it was evident that our negative feelings were still obvious to the other party ... and likely a contributing factor to why the olive branch wasn't taken (well).

 

As the aunt, I'm so encouraged to hear that you invited her - even last minute. I don't know your neice, but if it were ME I would have mixed feelings. In my heart I'd be glad you invited me, but I'd likely still react from a place of hurt feelings (being kicked out fueling what seems like a last-minute invitation I couldn't plan around). The cynical, immature part of me would also wonder if the invitation was designed to make me look bad to the rest of the family who were going to show up (and that would be the part of me who would reply immediately to an email invitation, without taking time to check if I was reading too much into it).

 

I hope the party goes well, either way. Happy Anniversary to your parents :)

[Scarlett]

You know, my family does this to me ALL THE TIME. After all, I'm a sahm, I don't have a 'real' job. We homeschool, it's not as though I have anything else to do than to sit around here while my children go wild and just wait for invitations to things..

 

It is not anywhere near the same thing. She literally has nothing to do. But point taken. That really has nothing to do with my 'last minute' part of my invitation. She was invited after everyone else because she has cut herself off from this side of the family ever since she was asked to move out of my house in February. She blocked our numbers from her phone, she defriended us on FB. Her mother and step-father made a special trip to visit my parents (who had nothing to do with making her move out of my house) to explain that dn needed 'space' from us. So space we've been giving her.

 

On her 21st birthday in late August I picked up the phone and called her mother and asked her if she would give niece a message. My message was, 'tell her I've been thinking about her all day on this milestone birthday and that I love her.' SIL then asked me if I wanted to talk to niece which I did saying only that....teased her a bit about had she been to the liquor store already that day and told her I loved her and that was it. I kept it very short and sweet.

 

About a month ago, she was at the same congregational party that I was at. We have many mutual friends---many on FB too. She went home from that party and immediately re-friended me. I accepted but I've kept my interactions with her to a minimum. My mom is still very very hurt over all this especially since SHE didn't do anything to niece. On Monday mom posted a video of a song that was dn's fav when she was a little girl along with a comment saying, 'good memories of good times with my granddaughter.' Of course dn didn't see it (that I know of) because she has mom blocked. So on Tuesday I decided to invite her.

 

For the record everyone else (in our small family) was only invited less than a week before her. She has always been sensitive to not being the first to know stuff....I know she feels disconnected to us and alienated and all that, but I also know she does love us and wants to be part of our lives. Also, she was 2 when my brother married her mom and he adopted her. I forget sometimes that she might have some issues with that...not sure really. I know WE don't. In fact, I literally forget she is not my blood niece. One day I found myself trying to remember some detail about the day she was born and had to slap myself and say, 'you weren't even there!'

 

And her response to invitations is always like that...'oh my life is so full and busy not sure I can fit you in, but I will do my best!' It is annoying. I do think it is a defense mechanism though....to keep a distance between herself and others. She handles any sort of disagreement the same way....bull up, run away and stop talking to that person. She has friends her age (younger actually) who say the same thing about her. A recent quote from her 18 year old friend 'she makes messes and then runs away from it.'

 

Oh, as for the olive branch, maybe it didn't seem like you went halfway. Halfway would've been, imo, an invitation with enough time to actually make arrangments.

 

Why should they bend over backwards because the invitation was last minute? Again, I would've seen it as a. an UNvitation and b. insulting.

 

Again I would ask, for a casual family dinner what is 'enough time' to actually make arangements? And I am not asking her to bend over backwards. If she can't make it she can't make it.

[secular_mom]

 

Again I would ask, for a casual family dinner what is 'enough time' to actually make arangements? And I am not asking her to bend over backwards. If she can't make it she can't make it.

 

IMO and IME, a one week notice meets the bare minimum 'requirement' for

inviting someone to dinner or a party. Preferably 2 weeks.

[Scarlett]

IMO and IME, a one week notice meets the bare minimum 'requirement' for

inviting someone to dinner or a party. Preferably 2 weeks.

 

No one was given that much notice. Except in the general sense that everyone knows when the anniversary date is and that we try to get together.

[secular_mom]

No one was given that much notice. Except in the general sense that everyone knows when the anniversary date is and that we try to get together.

 

I understand. It's just that if you expect people to actually be able to plan ahead and attend your events, it is generally expected that you will give them enough notice. I only gave you a guideline for how much notice people need. Some people can hop on over at any time, but not everyone can and it's not exactly reasonable to expect everyone to do so. JMO

[Brigitte]

My niece is a very immature 21 year old. She lived with me a year ago for a few months and it ended badly----mostly thanks to my stbxh's stupidity and my marriage falling apart. All of that had nothing to do with her,but she was caught in the cross fires so to speak. She behaved disrespectfully toward me and I asked her to move out. She did not take it well. Things have rocked on with minimal contact but it has been polite. She has expressed a real unhappiness with me and my mom 'telling her what to do.'

 

Which brings me to this issue. I am hosting a family dinner at my house on Saturday for my parents anniversary. I swallowed my pride and sent her an email that said, 'anniversary was today, party at my house on Saturday, we'd love to have you. We all love and miss you.' She answers like this...which is typical for her.

 

"Yes, I knew it was their anniversary and I will try to make it, but it's kinda last minute and we had plans here this weekend. :(

 

Love,

Niece"

 

This kind of response from her drives me straight up the wall! I want to respond to her and say, 'Do not insult my invitation to you by pointing out it was too last minute for you. Do not insult my invitation to you by pointing out that you will 'try' to make it. Just say, 'Thank you for inviting me. Regretfully I already have plans for that day. I hope to see you all soon.' Or better yet, say, 'I will be there! Love you all too!'

 

I'm thinking that is not the wise course. Please tell me how YOU would respond to this type of response.

 

Frankly, if her response really included the unhappy smiley and "Love," it just doesn't seem to me that she is trying to be rude. Both things seem rather friendly to me. And, if you invited others earlier and did not give her more details about the party, it is entirely possible she did not take the invitation very seriously.

 

Sorry - Brigitte

[elfgivas]

i'm amazed at the diversity of opinion on this one. it sounds like you've done a gradual reprochement here, and that it is slowly working.

 

people tend to respond out of who they are, not out of who you are. so if they are comfortable in their own skin, they tend to be more generous in their relationships with others. it doesn't appear she is.

 

i think you did the right thing in inviting her, and she did the right thing in answering you. (not well, but there we have it). jean hit the nail on the head; you've both done what was needful, and its done now. she'll come or not. she'll be somewhere on the pleasant scale if she does. you'll be gracious.

 

why not focus on the day and making it pleasant for those who are coming, and let your niece figure out who she is and who she wants to be....

 

hth,

ann

[PinkInTheBlue]

Honestly I wouldn't respond either. You got a response to your invitation and that's what you needed. Obviously it wasn't a proper response (yes or not). :) She'll get older and wiser (we hope, huh?) and be embarrassed about her earlier maturity later. Just ignore it and move on, I think.

[OnTheBrink]

I never want to be told that I invited someone too 'last minute'. That is an insult to my invitation. Even if I invited you Saturday morning for Saturday night, I don't want to be told, 'well, gee if you weren't such a loser hostess and knew how to properly invite people I might would have considered it.'

 

I could easily accept, 'oh drat! I already have plans!!!! I would have loved to come and I hope we can get together soon.'

 

And it not the casualness of the reply. We are a casual family.

 

Well, you may not want to be told that, but the fact is, a last-minute invite can easily be construed as an insult itself. I don't mean this harshly, but your invitation isn't a summons from the Queen or God, so I don't see where she's insulted your invitation. I mean, even if your niece is young and immature and maybe rude, she still is worthy of consideration of her time and plans. You invited her after she had plans. It was last-minute. She may try to come, but if she has plans, maybe it won't work for her to. I think when you invite someone last-minute, you have to allow for the fact that they may have plans, and they may need to do some reworking of those plans to be able to join you.

 

I think you're interpreting the "loser hostess" incorrectly, and that may have something to do with what you're going through with your stbx right now. I don't think she's saying you're a loser hostess, but bear in mind, some people consider late invites as rude and inconsiderate. But either way, don't take personally what most likely isn't personal, and if it is personal, you can choose to not "wear it". Plan your dinner, make sure there's a place for her if she can come and move on.

 

And, my son is 22 and I often get the same responses from him. He's not being a jerk or rude. He sometimes makes plans for things that take priority over my plans. He's an adult and can make those choices on what's important to him. It has nothing to do with his love for me; it has to do with the fact he's making his own life and his priorities may not be my priorities. Just poor out some mercy and handle it with grace and you'll feel better about the situation and you won't be opening the door for more negative exchanges with your niece.

[Danestress]

I could read the email she sent you in a tone of voice that would sound pretty pleasant - but not perfect. What she should have said is more in line with what you wished, and of course it's always rude to say you will "try" t o make it to a sit down dinner. Either a place is set for you or not.

 

But still, I could read it in a tone that was only mildly rude, and I would not point out to her the rudeness any more than I would do that to a good friend.

 

If I were you, I would just respond, "Sorry about the last minute invitation. We would love to have you and I know Mom would enjoy that. Just let me know because I will be arranging place settings. If you can't come for dinner but want to stop in for a drink, that would be great too, but no pressure."

 

Maybe she's sort of testing to see if you really really want her, or she doesn't want to appear to be too available. Maybe it's a 21 year old version of playing "hard to get." In any case, I would err on the side of love and grace and steer away from the instinct to try to school her on how to behave. It's so hard. I have a son this age, and it's hard as a mother! But usually if I am just really sweet and forbearing, I am glad later than I was.

[LittleIzumi]

I expect everyone to have plans for Sat if there's not at least two weeks' notice. That's what Saturdays are for--going out and doing things with people who have been too busy all week. :)

 

And I don't think there was a deep-seated "she's a lousy hostess, how dare she send me a late invite" in the last-minute comment. It's just a statement of fact--for a Sat deal, esp when she's iffy on family and probably wasn't setting that date aside like you were, the invitation was fairly last-minute and therefore she already had plans before she received it (rather than receiving it early and making plans on that day on purpose so she couldn't go, which would be rude). But to be completely honest--if my words were going to be so scrutinized that "oh, sorry, it's too last minute so I don't think I can come but I'll try" is going to be torn apart on a public forum, I might not want to go anyway....

[LibraryLover]

I would respond with a very breezy, "We would love to see if you can make it! Talk later! :) "

 

I am imagining the point is to keep the lines of communication open for possible future growth.

[Scarlett]

Well, you may not want to be told that, but the fact is, a last-minute invite can easily be construed as an insult itself. I don't mean this harshly, but your invitation isn't a summons from the Queen or God, so I don't see where she's insulted your invitation.

 

What! You mean I'm NOT the Queen! :glare:

 

Ok, I think I've been a little misunderstood about this invitation thing....I am not offended if she can't make it. I am not offended if she has other plans. I get that. I just don't want to be told 'if you had not waited until the last minute' I could have come. I would not do that. Then again I have a few years on her. As others have said she is immature and I guess she will eventually (or not) learn how to be gracious in difficult situations.

 

I guess what it boils down to is that I would like to be able to correct her manners and I'm not really the person to do that. Trouble is she has no one else to do that. She is an 'adult' only in the legal sense....Her 17 year old brother is much more mature than she is.

[Scarlett]

I would respond with a very breezy, "We would love to see if you can make it! Talk later! :) "

 

I am imagining the point is to keep the lines of communication open for possible future growth.

 

Yes this is true. I am going to be kind and welcoming no matter if she shows up or not.

[Scarlett]

But to be completely honest--if my words were going to be so scrutinized that "oh, sorry, it's too last minute so I don't think I can come but I'll try" is going to be torn apart on a public forum, I might not want to go anyway....

 

Ouch. I am anonymous on this board. She doesn't know I post here and she will never see this. I thought this was preferable to discussing it with mutual friends or my poor mother.

[Scarlett]

i'm amazed at the diversity of opinion on this one. it sounds like you've done a gradual reprochement here, and that it is slowly working.

 

people tend to respond out of who they are, not out of who you are. so if they are comfortable in their own skin, they tend to be more generous in their relationships with others. it doesn't appear she is.

 

i think you did the right thing in inviting her, and she did the right thing in answering you. (not well, but there we have it). jean hit the nail on the head; you've both done what was needful, and its done now. she'll come or not. she'll be somewhere on the pleasant scale if she does. you'll be gracious.

 

hth,

ann

 

I am amazed at so many diverse opinions too. I guess we all come to these discussions with our own filters. I think Jean is correct about it too and that is what I plan to do. I may ask her to let me know if she is coming or at least tell her I hope she can make it and that I love her.

[Scarlett]

Maybe she's sort of testing to see if you really really want her, or she doesn't want to appear to be too available. Maybe it's a 21 year old version of playing "hard to get."

 

That's it! THAT is why it bugs me so bad. Because that is what I am sure is going on with her because I do know her so well. She wants to be begged to come. And then if she is begged and doesn't want to come or really can't come she will go tell people that I try to run her life. Yeah. I get my feelings now. Thank you.

 

In any case, I would err on the side of love and grace and steer away from the instinct to try to school her on how to behave. It's so hard. I have a son this age, and it's hard as a mother! But usually if I am just really sweet and forbearing, I am glad later than I was.

 

Yes. This is it also. Steer away from the instinct to try and school her on how to behave. Thank you.

[LittleIzumi]

Ouch. I am anonymous on this board. She doesn't know I post here and she will never see this. I thought this was preferable to discussing it with mutual friends or my poor mother.

 

I know she won't see it. I just think the fact that you are taking it apart word by word, with anyone, shows just how much tension there is and I wouldn't feel comfortable visiting with someone who is that upset about little details like using "last minute" when an invitation was last minute. KWIM?

[FeFe]

Maybe I'm really immature myself, but I read and reread it but I didn't see anything rude about her reply at all. Maybe not formal, but not rude either. If I got an invitation to something I couldn't attend I may well use those exact words and mean nothing insulting at all by it. I wouldn't assume the worst.

 

:iagree:

[myfunnybunch]

I may ask her to let me know if she is coming or at least tell her I hope she can make it and that I love her.

 

I think this would be kind and gracious. I know you said you cannot correct her behavior, but many times with a young adult, modeling good manners and graciousness does far more than pointing out rudeness. :)

 

I hope the dinner goes well.

 

Cat

[teamturner]

Perhaps a short little note back that you are sorry the invite came late, but you were not sure how things stood between her and your mom and that made you hesitate. You can lovingly explain that you sincerely want her to come but understand she may not be able to. Offer to get together with her for lunch just the two of you to work on reconnecting and forgiving. The bridge has to be built and sometimes that takes time. I think you need to model forgiveness to her. If she learns that lesson she will be all the better for it in her life.

 

I may be getting my facts wrong, but didn't she come stay with you because she struggles with mental illness? Her response to you reminds me of my mother who has mental illness and she would have replied exactly the way your dn did.

[Scarlett]

I may be getting my facts wrong, but didn't she come stay with you because she struggles with mental illness? Her response to you reminds me of my mother who has mental illness and she would have replied exactly the way your dn did.

 

No she doesn't have problems like that. Her mother struggles with depression. She came to stay with me because I live 'in the city' and the small town we are from (1 1/2 hours away) has no jobs and only a community college.

[Scarlett]

I think this would be kind and gracious. I know you said you cannot correct her behavior, but many times with a young adult, modeling good manners and graciousness does far more than pointing out rudeness. :)

 

I hope the dinner goes well.

 

Cat

 

I think you are right. Thank you!

[Scarlett]

I know she won't see it. I just think the fact that you are taking it apart word by word, with anyone, shows just how much tension there is and I wouldn't feel comfortable visiting with someone who is that upset about little details like using "last minute" when an invitation was last minute. KWIM?

 

Well, there is tension and that is why I wanted some unbiased opinions about whether her response was bad manners and how *I* should respond back.

 

I am happy to see that many of you think her response was immature and bad manners (the whole 'it is last minute and I'll try to make it).

 

I am a little surprised that so many think it is ok to respond to ANY invitation (no matter how last minute) the way she did. I mean I do understand that it isn't the end of the world and that she is just a kid, but still....as informal and casual as I am I find it to be bad manners.

[teamturner]

No she doesn't have problems like that. Her mother struggles with depression. She came to stay with me because I live 'in the city' and the small town we are from (1 1/2 hours away) has no jobs and only a community college.

 

 

Ooops! Sorry about that!

[Catherine]

My dh and I are "raising" our 20 yo nephew. Without getting into any nitty-gritty detail, your niece pales in comparison, from the description!! The only way we can cope is to give him lots of love, gently lead him to better responses, and ignore *a lot*. We don't know how this will all come out. We hope, in an ideal world, he will mature, become more responsible and motivated, and get an education. But, regardless, I believe a loving response will help to fill up his tank a bit, left bone dry at the end of his childhood.

 

Anyway, all that is to say, love is the best response, IMO.