How carefully do you monitor your child's email?

[Susan in TN]

For those of you who have children with their own email accounts, how carefully do you monitor?

[Aunty Social]

My dd15 is the only one with her own email (got it when she was 14), and we monitored it fairly closely the first few months (reading all the subject/sender info, reading about half the messages word for word). We only check it about once a month or so now. Her texting, though, is getting monitored about once a week.

 

DD 15 knows that we have reserved the right to read everything, and that we check things randomly.

[Karen in CO]

It really matters what age the child is though. My dd is 8. I intercept and monitor all of her email. My ds is 19 - I quit reading his email a few years ago. It got really hard to do once he moved to Japan anyway ;)

[Renee in NC]

I don't monitor my 16yo's at all, other than he is my friend on Facebook. Of course, he is in another state! When he was 13-14, I *could* read his email because I had his password, but I don't now and don't care to read it. If I thought there was something going on that required me to monitor, then I would.

 

I see it as tantamount to reading his diary or eavesdropping on a phone conversation. Yes, I do know what teens can/will get into online, but mine seems to have a good head on his shoulders and it hasn't caused a problem (yet.)

[Ester Maria]

I trust my daughters, until the give me a reason to change my opinion regarding that.

 

Therefore, if I trust them, I can't behave as if I didn't trust them and thus read their emails, post, diaries, cellphone texts, or, to put it bluntly, disrespect their privacy. I know that many of you have good reasons and worries which make you do those things, and as a mother I understand you, however, I really can't swallow such obvious acts of mistrust.

 

We have an "open door" system regarding internet time. That means that in any moment I can stop by and talk to them about the information they're accessing (it's pretty easy to see whether a website they're on is innocent or not), we rarely do it but they know it's a theoretical option - but that doesn't mean I'm going to read their personal content, or behave as if it were normal for me to monitor it.

 

Of course, if I noticed they were hiding things, or any other alarming signs, that would change - I'm their mother after all. However, I'd do it AFTER they proved they can't be trusted, rather than just assume they can't. They're 11 and 12, by the way. And very good kids so far. :)

[cathmom]

My children who live at home have no email and most likely will not.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It really matters what age the child is though.

 

I still monitor all of ds12's e-mail but I'm moving away from it as he proves himself to be a man of integrity. If I see him proving himself otherwise I would move right back to reading all of his e-mails.

[athena1277]

Either dh or myself read all of dd's e-mail b/c she's only 6 and doesn't even know how to access it herself. Of course the only people she gets/sends email with is her grandparents. :D

[Sasharowan]

I read it first, but my oldest is only 13. ds8 actually gets the most email. He sends back and forth with my sis.

[Mamasteff]

I will read every word for the time being. Just as my parents said to me, "It's not you, it's the other people out there I cannot trust."

 

I compare allowing a child to have unmonitored access to email/ internet at least as dangerous as allowing a child access to my car. Giving her permission to use the Internet or email without proper training and monitored practice could very likely end in tragedy, just as asking my 11-year-old to drive to the grocery store might.

 

We have certain rules ("there are no friends on the Internet") and have had many discussions about using EXTREME measures to protect privacy. No sharing of a real name with someone you don't know; no adding friends or replying to emails sent by someone you don't know; never EVER share information that could lead someone to know where you live (I know this is not "email" but part of the larger Internet training).

 

I don't consider this an act of mistrust, but part of "driver's ed" for the Information Superhighway.

[justamouse]

I trust my daughters, until the give me a reason to change my opinion regarding that.

 

Therefore, if I trust them, I can't behave as if I didn't trust them and thus read their emails, post, diaries, cellphone texts, or, to put it bluntly, disrespect their privacy. I know that many of you have good reasons and worries which make you do those things, and as a mother I understand you, however, I really can't swallow such obvious acts of mistrust.

 

We have an "open door" system regarding internet time. That means that in any moment I can stop by and talk to them about the information they're accessing (it's pretty easy to see whether a website they're on is innocent or not), we rarely do it but they know it's a theoretical option - but that doesn't mean I'm going to read their personal content, or behave as if it were normal for me to monitor it.

 

Of course, if I noticed they were hiding things, or any other alarming signs, that would change - I'm their mother after all. However, I'd do it AFTER they proved they can't be trusted, rather than just assume they can't. They're 11 and 12, by the way. And very good kids so far. :)

 

Pretty much all of this.

 

If I started reading all of Dd's emails it would break the foundation of trust we have in our relationship. Once that is broken it takes years -and may never be-repaired. I'm not willing to hurt her like that, she's too good of a kid.

[Nicole M]

Holy cow! I have to monitor their email, too! The things I learn on this board...!

 

Actually, I simply had the boys set up their email accounts so that only family and a few close friends were on their contact lists, and then I limited the settings so that only email from contacts was sent or received. The oldest is almost 18, and he now has others on his contact list, and I'm okay with that.

[Amy1k]

I don't see any reason to monitor my children's communications. I'm grateful for the fact that, if necessary, I could find out information...unlike when I was a child and all communication was via phone or conversation...even notes were easy to get rid of. Recently my child was having an issue and my husband and I were able to find his MySpace page (the criteria for him having one was that he had to be our "friend", of course he had an additional page that we were unaware of). We were grateful that our child found it a "safe" place to put information about what he was up to...and we were able to address the issue.

[SilverMoon]

I chose, "I mean to, but usually don't get around to it much.." Truly though, I rarely ever read their emails unless they ask me to. Only people I put on a list for them can get access to their email box, so there is some level of monitoring in place.

[KidsHappen]

The ones that are 16 and above are monitor free. I periodically monitor the 13 year old's accounts, although I think that I need to start monitoring it more frequently. I manage the 10 year old's entire computer.

[Renee in NC]

I will read every word for the time being. Just as my parents said to me, "It's not you, it's the other people out there I cannot trust."

 

I compare allowing a child to have unmonitored access to email/ internet at least as dangerous as allowing a child access to my car. Giving her permission to use the Internet or email without proper training and monitored practice could very likely end in tragedy, just as asking my 11-year-old to drive to the grocery store might.

 

We have certain rules ("there are no friends on the Internet") and have had many discussions about using EXTREME measures to protect privacy. No sharing of a real name with someone you don't know; no adding friends or replying to emails sent by someone you don't know; never EVER share information that could lead someone to know where you live (I know this is not "email" but part of the larger Internet training).

 

I don't consider this an act of mistrust, but part of "driver's ed" for the Information Superhighway.

 

See, I was thinking in terms of teens.

 

My 11yo doesn't have email, doesn't have Facebook or anything like that, and doesn't participate on message boards. He is allowed to use the internet for certain things, but not just to "surf."

 

We'll discuss email when he is 13 or so.

[JoyfulMama]

I will read every word for the time being. Just as my parents said to me, "It's not you, it's the other people out there I cannot trust."

 

I compare allowing a child to have unmonitored access to email/ internet at least as dangerous as allowing a child access to my car. Giving her permission to use the Internet or email without proper training and monitored practice could very likely end in tragedy, just as asking my 11-year-old to drive to the grocery store might.

 

We have certain rules ("there are no friends on the Internet") and have had many discussions about using EXTREME measures to protect privacy. No sharing of a real name with someone you don't know; no adding friends or replying to emails sent by someone you don't know; never EVER share information that could lead someone to know where you live (I know this is not "email" but part of the larger Internet training).

 

I don't consider this an act of mistrust, but part of "driver's ed" for the Information Superhighway.

 

My dd is 9, so of course she has a higher level of monitoring now than she will in the future. I am using this time as teaching time for internet safety and computer confidence. All incoming messages are CC'd to me. And the computer is in the kitchen, so I get to monitor her time on the computer, including outgoing messages (limited contact list).

 

However, I know my experience with the computer may be very different than many. I started "dialing-in" to chat rooms when I was in high school, and met some good friends that way. (Mind you this was in the early 90s.) The boards at that time were privately owned and operated, and one of them was closely monitored, as it was open only to area high school students (you had to have a letter from a school administrator to receive access). I met people IRL that I first met online. My parents were aware of it, and I made sure I was safe about it. But it was nice to be able to connect with faces at different area school competitions, and for the Ren Faire and other such public events. And I can see the benefit of it for my children who may be homeschooled through high school, as a way to connect with others with similar interests.

Having that experience at home, in a safe and secure environment, where I could discuss things with my folks, made me better prepared during college, when the internet took off and my college friends started checking out the online chat rooms. I hope that I can also provide that to my children.

[chaik76]

I voted I read every word sent and received...but my son is only eight. As he gets older I doubt I'll do as much. Right now he still needs my help with typing and reading and stuff.

 

ETA: However, he does have websites he is allowed to go to without our supervision...ones we know are relatively safe.

[amy g.]

Well, I read my 15 year old's because they usually involve the animals, or other things that I need to know about.

 

My son would be HIGHLY offended if I read anything on his computer. He has shown himself to be careful and trustworthy in all areas of his behavior, so I respect his privacy.

[Mamasteff]

I was thinking in terms of teens too... and then found out that 11 had set up an email account on her own. Kinda like any other part of her education, I may not have been ready to teach it, but she is needing to learn it, so here we are.

[Laura Corin]

I have the boys' accounts set so that incoming mail comes into my inbox too. I also ask them to let me see outgoing mail, more in order to train them in email etiquette than anything else - I reckon if I see the incoming then I should be able to spot anything inappropriate.

 

Laura

[angela in ohio]

I marked "I read every word received and sent." All emails in our home come into one account. I let dc know when an email is for them. They don't really have a reason to have their own email; they prefer (because we encourage it) to speak to their friends IRL.

 

I've seen too many young adults make fools of themselves on the internet and by email. I think more parents should monitor at least a little bit what their teens are doing on their blogs, Facebook, email, etc.

[TravelingChris]

I did the obligatory other since I look over their emails occasionally when they leave their accounts open but all I ever find is that I need to remind them to read emails from the teachers. coaches, youth group leaders, choir directors, etc. I don't ever see my 20 1/2 yo's emails.

[Jen in PA]

My dd is 6, and I set up email for her earlier this year so that she can write to all of her aunties, grandparents, etc. But only I know the password:D I imagine it will be a few years before I share that with her.

[Elizabeth Conley]

The kids are very sensible. I find that the biggest risk they run is from drama prone acquaintances.

 

The same clicky nastiness, gossip and back-biting silliness that certain girls engage in verbally also goes on in e-mails and chat forums.

 

My daughter just refuses to engage. She'll get annoyed and say "talk to the hand" as she walks away, but otherwise she just stays out of it.

 

My son is 10. If there's a problem, he tells me about it.

 

My husband monitors who they get email from and who they send to, just to make sure there aren't any strangers or exploitive businesses. Other than that, we're hands off.

 

We are serious about bringing up competant adults with good social skills. That means we butt out most of the time.

[momtoboys]

My kids don't have email yet. . they are 7 and 3. None of my 7 year old's friends really have it either, so he doesn't feel "left out".

 

ETA: I would probably monitor their email more in the younger years (when they do get email accounts) and much less in the older teen years (unless I have a good reason not to trust them).

[swellmomma]

My kids don't have email yet, however if they did I would monitor every word until they were older and I am confident they will be responsible with what they write.

 

A couple nights ago I had to have the discussionyet again about why they can't have email/facebook at all yet. (A "well meaning" teacher at their fine arts program told dd I would get her an email and facebook before we moved, because that is what good moms do). They know that if I ever allowed them to get email and such I would be reading everything coming and going (before they read it or hit send)

[SonshineLearner]

We usually pick a time and go through quite a few.... at once.

Carrie:-)

[Michelle My Bell]

I trust my daughters, until the give me a reason to change my opinion regarding that.

 

Therefore, if I trust them, I can't behave as if I didn't trust them and thus read their emails, post, diaries, cellphone texts, or, to put it bluntly, disrespect their privacy. I know that many of you have good reasons and worries which make you do those things, and as a mother I understand you, however, I really can't swallow such obvious acts of mistrust.

 

We have an "open door" system regarding internet time. That means that in any moment I can stop by and talk to them about the information they're accessing (it's pretty easy to see whether a website they're on is innocent or not), we rarely do it but they know it's a theoretical option - but that doesn't mean I'm going to read their personal content, or behave as if it were normal for me to monitor it.

 

Of course, if I noticed they were hiding things, or any other alarming signs, that would change - I'm their mother after all. However, I'd do it AFTER they proved they can't be trusted, rather than just assume they can't. They're 11 and 12, by the way. And very good kids so far. :)

 

This is exactly how it is in my home as well. My daughters are very trustworthy and I don't check up on them. I can, and have opened their email accounts on occasion for other reasons, but not to spy on them. I do agree very much that if their behavior warranted the search, I would have no issues doing so.

 

Michelle