WishboneDawn Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Three weeks ago a dear friend found out she had a malignant brain tumor. Yesterday I learned she's chosen to forgo treatment (I think her chances of recovery were slight) and is hoping to live to see this Christmas. She's 62. A retired school teacher and fearless traveler. She never has an ill word to say about anyone and is modest about her skills and talents to an extreme. She talks to my kids as if the chance to have a conversation with them was a gift and was always extremely supportive of our homeschooling. She is a fragile, light 1st soprano and she sang with me once, on a drive out of town, which was remarkable considering how shy the two of us are about our voices. Her clothes are always impeccable. Always casual but fitting perfectly in gorgeous colours and patterns. Her house is an oasis. Everything in it's place and everything, right down to the utensils, beautifully designed. She isn't religious but she sees beauty and the divine in absolutely everything. She wanted to go on a tour in Egypt this fall and traveled through Portugal last spring despite a wicked toothache. She's a quiet Anne of Green Gables sort of woman who can be enchanted by the patterns of frost on a window. I just want to say how much this sucks. That I wish it wasn't her, that it wasn't affecting her in such cruel ways, that I wish I could find a place to just go and have a great big cry instead of just being weepy half the time. That I wish you all knew her and know how wonderful a person she really is. I love her. I wish it wasn't her. Thank you for reading this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 I'm really sorry for both of you! Carrie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 I am truly, truly sorry. I have spent the last five years watching someone dear to me suffer with a brain tumor. In many ways I wish she had chosen to forgo treatment as the resulting brain damage and loss has been truly nightmarish. I'm sorry about your friend--I'm so sorry. I pray God's peace and presence with both her and those who love her. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LizzyBee Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 :grouphug: I just found out that a friend's daughter's baby died @ 4 days old. I can't stop crying; this baby's parents are 2 of the nicest people you'll ever meet. Life just isn't fair sometimes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spy Car Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 She sounds like a very special lady. I'm sorry :grouphug: Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 I'm sorry. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newlifemom Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 :crying: Crying for and with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 :grouphug: I try to remember the only reason it hurts so much is because of the joy I've had knowing someone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nevergiveup Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 I am so sorry for you. My sister had 2 malignant brain tumors. One operated on and removed and another discovered on the followup and subsequently removed. She is in a university trial and is doing really well. She was given terrible odds, too, as are most people with this type of tumor. I hope your friend has had several opinions because there are new treatments out there that are really promising. Once again, though, I am really sorry for what you both are to go through. My sister is only 49. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 I am so very sorry. She sounds incredible. My ex step-dad's mom had lung cancer before she turned 60. She fought it once and went into remission, but she told us all that if she ever was re-diagnosed, she wouldn't not fight like that again. Sure enough, 5 years later, the cancer came back. She said goodbye and died peacefully. It was very painful for those who loved her, but it was what she wanted and I can respect her so much for that. She was not afraid to die. You and your friend will be in my thoughts and prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I hope you've written your thoughts about this special lady to her and to her children (if any) It brought me great joy when people told me how incredible my mom had been in their lives. I wish more people had written in a letter or card for me to have forever instead of just telling me. May you and her family find comfort, peace and little odd pockets of joy to savor during this time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 Three weeks ago a dear friend found out she had a malignant brain tumor. Yesterday I learned she's chosen to forgo treatment (I think her chances of recovery were slight) and is hoping to live to see this Christmas. She's 62. A retired school teacher and fearless traveler. She never has an ill word to say about anyone and is modest about her skills and talents to an extreme. She talks to my kids as if the chance to have a conversation with them was a gift and was always extremely supportive of our homeschooling. She is a fragile, light 1st soprano and she sang with me once, on a drive out of town, which was remarkable considering how shy the two of us are about our voices. Her clothes are always impeccable. Always casual but fitting perfectly in gorgeous colours and patterns. Her house is an oasis. Everything in it's place and everything, right down to the utensils, beautifully designed. She isn't religious but she sees beauty and the divine in absolutely everything. She wanted to go on a tour in Egypt this fall and traveled through Portugal last spring despite a wicked toothache. She's a quiet Anne of Green Gables sort of woman who can be enchanted by the patterns of frost on a window. I just want to say how much this sucks. That I wish it wasn't her, that it wasn't affecting her in such cruel ways, that I wish I could find a place to just go and have a great big cry instead of just being weepy half the time. That I wish you all knew her and know how wonderful a person she really is. I love her. I wish it wasn't her. Thank you for reading this. I have the most incredible admiration for people who forgoe treatment and face death head on. I hope her last days (and who knows how many those may be) are filled with thankfulness and joy. I hope if I am ever faced with a disease that has slim chance of survival that I will have the strength to spend my time telling those I love how much they've meant to me, and loving every last second of life instead of spending it in some horrible treatment. I am sorry for you and your friend. It is horrible to be imperfect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vkay Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: She sounds like such a lovely woman. That is tragic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted October 31, 2009 Author Share Posted October 31, 2009 Thanks everyone. I really needed to just say some of that stuff and get it out in words if you know what I mean. I'm honestly not very good at going to people IRL for support and frankly would feel selfish weeping about this to my other friends when it's her we need to support. So this space and your acknowledgement are wonderful. I will be letting her know how I feel about her as well.:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug:She sounds like a wonderful lady and will be missed by many. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
runninmommy Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 She seems amazing, beautiful and a precious additon to this earth. May I also say that you sound just as lovely? She is just as lucky to have you. I pray for peace and comfort for both of you. :grouphug: Three weeks ago a dear friend found out she had a malignant brain tumor. Yesterday I learned she's chosen to forgo treatment (I think her chances of recovery were slight) and is hoping to live to see this Christmas. She's 62. A retired school teacher and fearless traveler. She never has an ill word to say about anyone and is modest about her skills and talents to an extreme. She talks to my kids as if the chance to have a conversation with them was a gift and was always extremely supportive of our homeschooling. She is a fragile, light 1st soprano and she sang with me once, on a drive out of town, which was remarkable considering how shy the two of us are about our voices. Her clothes are always impeccable. Always casual but fitting perfectly in gorgeous colours and patterns. Her house is an oasis. Everything in it's place and everything, right down to the utensils, beautifully designed. She isn't religious but she sees beauty and the divine in absolutely everything. She wanted to go on a tour in Egypt this fall and traveled through Portugal last spring despite a wicked toothache. She's a quiet Anne of Green Gables sort of woman who can be enchanted by the patterns of frost on a window. I just want to say how much this sucks. That I wish it wasn't her, that it wasn't affecting her in such cruel ways, that I wish I could find a place to just go and have a great big cry instead of just being weepy half the time. That I wish you all knew her and know how wonderful a person she really is. I love her. I wish it wasn't her. Thank you for reading this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConnieB Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 Three weeks ago a dear friend found out she had a malignant brain tumor. Yesterday I learned she's chosen to forgo treatment (I think her chances of recovery were slight) and is hoping to live to see this Christmas. She's 62. A retired school teacher and fearless traveler. She never has an ill word to say about anyone and is modest about her skills and talents to an extreme. She talks to my kids as if the chance to have a conversation with them was a gift and was always extremely supportive of our homeschooling. She is a fragile, light 1st soprano and she sang with me once, on a drive out of town, which was remarkable considering how shy the two of us are about our voices. Her clothes are always impeccable. Always casual but fitting perfectly in gorgeous colours and patterns. Her house is an oasis. Everything in it's place and everything, right down to the utensils, beautifully designed. She isn't religious but she sees beauty and the divine in absolutely everything. She wanted to go on a tour in Egypt this fall and traveled through Portugal last spring despite a wicked toothache. She's a quiet Anne of Green Gables sort of woman who can be enchanted by the patterns of frost on a window. I just want to say how much this sucks. That I wish it wasn't her, that it wasn't affecting her in such cruel ways, that I wish I could find a place to just go and have a great big cry instead of just being weepy half the time. That I wish you all knew her and know how wonderful a person she really is. I love her. I wish it wasn't her. Thank you for reading this. I'm very sorry for what you both are going through right now. Could I suggest that you send her a copy of what you wrote. It was a beautiful testament of your love for your friend. And it's one of those things that I think she should know before she dies. I know I have a bad habit of waxing poetic about people AFTER they are gone, rather than telling them, and the rest of the world, how wonderful they were while they were here. Is your friends health such that she could still go to Egypt and/or Portugal? And if so, can you manage to go too? I had a friend who wanted to see a particular place before she died of cancer, and she tried hard to make it happen but finances for the cancer treatment, and the loss of energy from those treatments made it never happen. It was one of the few times that I truly bemoaned not having a lot of money....I would have loved to have been able to pay for her and I to go, it would have been a beautiful way to say goodbye. The best thing you can do for both of you is to spend time together enjoying each others company, not grieving for what is being lost. There is time for grief when it's the only choice you have.....now is for the living and she is still here, so make the most of it. And take these :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: with you when you need to let those tears flow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiegirl Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 After having just been through (successfully) my own cancer struggle, my heart is hurting for you and your friend. She sounds like an amazing woman. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fivetails Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 Aw Dawn, that sucks. That really *really* sucks. She sounds like a wonderful lady, and I'm so glad that you've had such a friend in your life... but I sure wish she could stay in it with you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 :grouphug: She sounds like a beautiful, brave, smart lady. I'm so sorry! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 She sounds like a very special friend. One of my friends recovered after being diagnosed with terminal ovarian cancer. It has been 8 years now and she has a tumor on her heart. She told me she knew that she had already cheated death, so she doesn't expect to do it again. I know God will remember her and that I have the chance to see her again, happy and vibrant. I keep that in my mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Inna* Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 :grouphug: I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted October 31, 2009 Author Share Posted October 31, 2009 Is your friends health such that she could still go to Egypt and/or Portugal? No. It's been a little shocking how fast her health has declined. She's pretty weak, tires easily and is in considerable pain. But you gave me an idea. I just picked up a book on Egyptian mythology the other day. She finds reading too tiring now but does love to be read to and really enjoys mythology and Egypt (the trip would have been a dream trip for her). I think I'll bring the book with me and see if she's like to hear some of the stories. My daughter wants to visit as well and she's being Bastet, the Egyptian cat goddess this year for Halloween so my friend would probably get a kick out of seeing her costume. And I think I will write my original op down for her, or most of it. It would embarrass the heck out of her to know how much I think of her. :D Thanks again everyone. I was a little lost about what to do for her...It helps to have some solid ideas of ways to make her time enjoyable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mary in GA Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 She is a very brave lady; your life will certainly have a hole in it with out her. Do tell her dc or siblings what a wonderful lady she is from your point of view. It will be precious to them as their pov is different from yours. Her inner peace and serenity are beautiful. I offer this advice from this perspective: My best friend died of cancer at 34. We were all so shocked and in denial even long after her passing, and I am just now beginning to do and say the things to her dc I should have earlier but couldn't. Peace to you. Mary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Earth Angel_79 Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 She is a very brave lady; your life will certainly have a hole in it with out her. Do tell her dc or siblings what a wonderful lady she is from your point of view. It will be precious to them as their pov is different from yours. Her inner peace and serenity are beautiful. I offer this advice from this perspective: My best friend died of cancer at 34. We were all so shocked and in denial even long after her passing, and I am just now beginning to do and say the things to her dc I should have earlier but couldn't. Peace to you. Mary What wonderful advice. :grouphug: to you and your friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleIzumi Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*LC Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 I have the most incredible admiration for people who forgoe treatment and face death head on. I hope her last days (and who knows how many those may be) are filled with thankfulness and joy. I hope if I am ever faced with a disease that has slim chance of survival that I will have the strength to spend my time telling those I love how much they've meant to me, and loving every last second of life instead of spending it in some horrible treatment.QUOTE] Scarlett, I promise I'm not meaning to pick on you, but I've heard this from others. It bothers me that people have made up their minds about something they haven't faced yet. Sometimes we make decisions before we know all the facts, because of what we have heard through the years about treatment. We have lived in the brain tumor world for many years now. Yes, the prognosis for many brain tumors is grim and slim. However, I know people that were given months to live and they are still here 5, 10, 15 years later. The first line of chemo for brain tumors is an oral pill that you take at home. Nearly all people tolerate this drug well. For most, there is minor fatigue and the nausea, is handled by anti-nausea medicines. People continue to work and go to school while on it. (The only people I know that were extremely nauseous were either given the wrong kind of anti-nausea medicine or they didn't take any.) There is no hair loss. However, if someone has in their mind that they will never take chemo if diagnosed with cancer then they will never try this pill even though they have probably taken other pills over the years that have side effects. Unfortunately, for most people this pill doesn't cure them and they don't live 5, 10, 15 years, however, extra months can also be precious. I guess my point is not all chemo is bad. Again, I hope you will never be faced with such decisions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 I am so sorry for both of you. May God hold you both closely as she walks this path. How sad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 LC, I agree that not all chemo is bad. My dad lived for 3 years longer than expected because of chemo and he had decent quality of life during that time. He had liver and pancreatic cancer. I really think the kind of cancer can dictate whether or not it is worth a shot. My df's husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor a few years ago. They said that his prognosis was grim for his type of inoperable cancer (can't remember the full name) that was large and had spread and intertwined itself into a large area of brain tissue. The doctors gave him 3 months with or without chemo. He chose chemo (it wasn't a pill, but IV meds). It was gruesome. How he suffered. His suffering was eased when they made the decision to seek hospice care. However, since they did not have health insurance (nor sick leave because he was self-employed) he nearly bankrupted the family. If it weren't for the generosity of friends, there are some months where his surviving wife and teenage son would not have eaten. They went without heat until an anonymous friend paid the heating bill for them. Sometimes the wisest choice is to look realistically at the big picture and play the cards you are dealt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 Oh, Dawn. I'm so, so sorry. You deserve a giant, humungous cry. It isn't fair and it definitely sucks. I'm glad you can be with her though, to comfort her and allow her memory to live on. That's a good thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 I have the most incredible admiration for people who forgoe treatment and face death head on. I hope her last days (and who knows how many those may be) are filled with thankfulness and joy. I hope if I am ever faced with a disease that has slim chance of survival that I will have the strength to spend my time telling those I love how much they've meant to me, and loving every last second of life instead of spending it in some horrible treatment.QUOTE] Scarlett, I promise I'm not meaning to pick on you, but I've heard this from others. It bothers me that people have made up their minds about something they haven't faced yet. Sometimes we make decisions before we know all the facts, because of what we have heard through the years about treatment. We have lived in the brain tumor world for many years now. Yes, the prognosis for many brain tumors is grim and slim. However, I know people that were given months to live and they are still here 5, 10, 15 years later. The first line of chemo for brain tumors is an oral pill that you take at home. Nearly all people tolerate this drug well. For most, there is minor fatigue and the nausea, is handled by anti-nausea medicines. People continue to work and go to school while on it. (The only people I know that were extremely nauseous were either given the wrong kind of anti-nausea medicine or they didn't take any.) There is no hair loss. However, if someone has in their mind that they will never take chemo if diagnosed with cancer then they will never try this pill even though they have probably taken other pills over the years that have side effects. Unfortunately, for most people this pill doesn't cure them and they don't live 5, 10, 15 years, however, extra months can also be precious. I guess my point is not all chemo is bad. Again, I hope you will never be faced with such decisions. I don't feel picked on and your point is well taken. In fact, I was eating those words the instant my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer 6 years ago. I was no longer so flip and brave...more like 'do whatever it takes Mom to live!' Also an uncle of mine was diagnosed with lung cancer about 5 years ago and they told him even with the chemo he would only live about 2 years. He is still here and doing ok. And my best friend has had chemo treatment for a rare blood cancer and she didn't even lose her hair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 I am going to throw this out even though it may be really dumb. You mentioned wanting to know what you can do for her. Dawn, it occurs to me that your friend may have limited time, and prefer to spend it doing something she feels is important rather than the mundane (grocery shopping, meal preparation, house cleaning). You could perhaps see what she feels is important and maybe see how you can assist her in doing that. Just a thought. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mad Jenny Flint Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 In January of this year. You might be able to find it here on the boards- it was heartbreaking to face her death, and we didn't get to tell her goodbye. But looking back, there were signs that her health was declining and we just appreciated her when we could. She was so special to so many people, and the last words she spoke to her middle daughter were "I love so many people!!" Her daughter replied, "Mom, they love you, too." Her funeral was a celebration with people remembering, talking, crying, laughing, and even dancing. She lived across the cul-de-sac from us, on a wooded, natural lot. I still think of her daily. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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