Knowing when to cross that line... (LONG)

[hsmom3tn]

Bear (Bare?) with me, it make take me a while to get my point across and I do not always articulate well. :D

 

Some of the recent posts/threads have really made me think about this. Some of us moms are open to constructive criticism. I am usually glad to get it, as long as I know it is coming from a good place. Others are very easily offended by it. I think, as moms, we often draw this imaginary line that we are afraid to cross when it comes to others' parenting styles. I'm wondering, though, what does it take to make us cross that line? Do some of you never cross it? Are there some of you that always speak your mind to anyone, and anywhere? Do you only say something when a child's safety is involved? Is it bad manners otherwise? If you see someone leaving their shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot, do you speak to them about it???? (Sorry, just had to throw that in there. :D)

 

I often see things that I disagree with, but don't say anything because I try to avoid confrontation. I struggle with finding ways to constructively criticize without sounding condescending or snarky, so there would probably be a confrontation. Just for example, one of my biggest pet peeves is to see people allowing their children to stand up in the front of a shopping cart. Either they aren't paying attention, or they won't do anything more than ask the child to sit down (which the child ignores). If it's someone I know, I definitely say something to the mom or even will sit the child down myself and buckle him in; but if it's a stranger I have to fight the urge to do this. I just say a silent prayer asking that the child not get hurt and that the parent pay better attention.

 

There was one incident where I actually did say something. I saw two young children playing with one of those chairs that spins around. I'm guessing the child in the chair was maybe 18 months and the sibling that was turning the chair was probably 3 or 4. This is a place where one of the employees is CONSTANTLY reminding kids not to play on the chairs, run in the building, etc. I watched as the mother sat there chatting with a friend, ignoring the kids, and of course the chair spun too fast and the baby falls out hitting his head on the hard floor. This place was very noisy and you could still hear his head hit the floor. Without thinking I stood up and said, very loudly, "You see, that's why you shouldn't let your kids play in the chairs!" It was one of those, "Did I just say that out loud??" moments. I knew who this woman was because we are in the same HS support group, but don't really know her. This was a few years ago, and still every time she sees me she gives me a dirty look.

 

I still remember the last time I spanked my son. It was probably 5 or 6 years ago and we were at the zoo. He was being completely obnoxious and aggravating everyone, because he didn't want to be there. We were with several friends and I was very angry with him for not allowing me or his sisters to enjoy ourselves. After many warnings, I took him into the bathroom and spanked him. I was really angry, spanked him more aggressively than I should have, and even told him that he would get more when we got home. There was another woman in the bathroom who told my son, "I'm sorry she did that to you.", and started lecturing me about it. I don't even know exactly what she said because I was so mad I started going off on her while she was talking. I felt like she had no right to butt in, and especially to speak to my child about it. After I calmed down, this woman stayed on my mind for a long time. I was no longer angry at her, I was grateful. She made me look back at all the times that I had spanked out of anger, and realize that I was treating my kids the same way that my mom had treated me (drama for another thread, another time). I have not spanked any of my children since that day. I find other ways to deal with their misbehavior, which honestly doesn't happen often. I wish I could find that woman and thank her for making me step back and look at what I was doing and see that I should have handled it differently.

 

Now, I was not intending to start another -to spank or not to spank- thread, LOL. This is just my personal choice and one of the things that I try very hard not to be judgmental about. It was just meant to be an example of how a stranger crossed that line and in the end it was helpful to me. I keep thinking about the thread about seeing children left in a car in a parking lot, or the woman who spanked her child for peeing on a slide when her diaper was too full and she couldn't help it. And then there's the lady who had been kidnapped and was found 18 years later - I heard that one of the neighbors suspected that they were living in the backyard and thought it was strange, but her husband told her to mind her own business. When is it okay to step in and not mind your own business????

 

I know I have rambled on too long, so thank you to anyone who has read this far. I just had some thoughts to get off my mind and thought I'd share them here.

 

Anyone else have any thoughts to share?

 

Or any more constructive criticism for me???? :lol:

[newlifemom]

I don't have any answers for you, but I do get where you are coming from. My opinion on when to say something or not changes on a near daily basis. I'm sure my hormones have a lot to say in the matter. :D Thank you though for your transparency. (sp?)

[lapsetmom]

I am guilty as most about not stepping in when I should, and I agree, it is hard to know when, but I'm sure this world would be a better place if we butted in a little more often. Only with a humble loving attitude, though.

[Tree House Academy]

I don't tend to critique people's parenting and it really irks me (more than irks) when someone (here or IRL) tries to critique mine. IMO, until you have walked in their shoes and lived their lives, you have literally NO IDEA what you are talking about with regard to their personal business. I mean, sure, there are times when it is obvious that there is abuse or something awful going on and, in that case, sticking your nose in could very well save the life of a child. However, that is really rough water and you really have to exercise caution what making a judgement like that against another person. I err on the side of "everyone is human, we all make mistakes."

 

I am a pretty bold person. I am fine with confrontation and learned to hold my own very early on in life. My life is not defined by the number of friends I have/make - for me, it is all about being true to myself. If I feel like someone is treating others unfairly, I am usually the one to call them on it. If I feel like a whole group is being judged unfairly, I will gladly take the verbal abuse that follows and go to bat for them. It doesn't bother me a bit. The most recent situation I can think of (IRL) where I "said something" was in a store on day. A hateful customer was so rude to the cashier that the cashier was bawling. She had done NOTHING to this woman - she was just new to the job and very slow. This customer was so hurtful and the poor girl couldn't really defend herself without risking her job. I had my younger son with me and I stepped over to the customer and pointed out the crying cashier. She acted like she had no idea why the girl was crying. I blatently let her know it was HER doing and that she was unnecessarily RUDE to this girl. I followed up by telling her that I didn't know what had happened in her life that day, but I was praying for her because she obviously felt so small that she had to put others down to make herself feel better. And I left. I honestly couldn't have gotten in my car and left without having done that. And I did pray for her - as well as the poor cashier.

[NorthwestMom]

This is hard for me too. I really wish I could mind my own business and not step in to confront big problems. I do not confront people over grocery carts, kids without coats, etc., but as a former teacher I have called CPS a bunch of times, called animal control after being attacked by a crazy neighbor's dogs, etc.

 

Here's a dilemma I am currently wrestling with: neighborhood gossip says that a couple that we know through activities are having major marital problems and are about to split up. My dear friend, who lives a few houses down from them, reports that the wife says it is because he smokes too much pot. He is a school bus driver for preschoolers. WWYD? It is hearsay. I have never seen him look or act impaired. OTOH, little kids are at risk.

[JennC]

Most bus companies I've heard of have regular drug testing. I know that doesn't answer a question, but is just a tidbit of info.

[Plucky]

Most bus companies I've heard of have regular drug testing. I know that doesn't answer a question, but is just a tidbit of info.

 

That's what I was thinking. They usually do random drug tests. It's hard to get away with.

[KidsHappen]

For the most part, I am a mind my own business kind of person so I only speak up when my conscious won't let me do otherwise. I tend to be more of a take physical action kind of person. For instance once when I was a store manager, a small child fell out of the seat of a shopping cart and hit their head hard on the hard floor. Now when I see a child in potentially the same situation, I might not say anything but I will hover close enough to the child that I could catch them until the parent get's the message and pays closer attention. People might not notice if their children are in danger but they will notice a stranger hovering around their child. They suddenly start paying much closer attention. If you confront them it is often counterproductive whereas the action I take is always been effective.

[Pink Fairy]

I think that in addition to being oblivious, I live a rather sheltered life. I just don't run into those kind of situations in public places. When I go grocery shopping, I am concentrating on the business at hand, and may have my mp3 player on (so I can enjoy listening to Jane Austen while I squeeze the Charmin :D).

 

I remember when a friend of mine was obviously suffering from serious PPD, and I called to discuss it with her dh. I suppose that would be crossing the line.

 

I've ended friendships with women who allow their kids to act like brats, but never overtly with a big announcement--just let the friendship die a natural death. It may have been more helpful to them if we'd discussed it, but I don't have the mental energy to go down that road.

[Blueridge]

When I've seen or heard parent/child 'scenes' in a store, if I am close enough to them I will just stop and stare inquisitively at them. Usually the parent will either huff and turn away, or look sheepish and calm down. I'm not giving them the evil eye or anything, but making them aware that their bad behavior is attracting attention and they are being watched. :D Once in a restaurant we witnessed a scene so heartbreaking that my dh had to speak up. A dad was being so verbally abusive to one of his children that his wife was crying. My dh told him he was out of line and that he needed to get himself under control. He was mighty mad at dh because of that, too. If my dh had not been with us that day, I'm not sure what I would have done...maybe ask the woman if she needed help?? But I would have done something. I worry about those little ones when they get back home.

[johnandtinagilbert]

I've never had a problem speaking up and I over time, I have figured out my lines in the sand.

 

Safety - if a child is doing something that will generally lead to physical harm, I will speak up. "Excuse me, ma'am, your little one is close to falling out of the cart. I'd hate to see him get hurt." They usually respond positively, or even by being embarrassed, at least they buckle in their child. If they get snarky...then at least I tried. No reason to be upset, it's no longer on me.

 

Kid problems (neighborhood squabble type) - If a child is left unsupervised at my house, I expect them to follow my rules, so I have no problem saying, "Billy, since you're here, I expect you to follow the rules of our home. Instead of ______, we do ______ here." If the don't make the effort to obey, I then say, "Billy, remember when I mentioned______. Well, I don't think you've respected the rules of our home, you'll need to go home. You're welcome to come back and try again tomorrow. When you do, please follow our house rules."

 

If a child breaks a rule repeatedly, particularly when they are at my house a lot and the parent are not, I'll then go to the parents and say, "Since Billy is over so much, I really do expect him to follow our rules. I've spoken to him about his language at our home and he hasn't really responded. We love having him over, but we can't have the language. Can you speak to him, please? He's welcome over any time." Only once has a child not returned after I spoke to his parent(s) (she was a real winner, btw). In this case, the parents enjoy the free babysitting and meals they get from their kids being at my home.

 

Child raising I don't speak up unless a relationship has been established and they ask for my opinion. In the meantime, I am sure that my children are the example, as am I, in my parenting style. I would Never lecture someone about spanking, breastfeeding, home schooling, diet and/or exercise unless their child was being abused or neglected and that leads back to safety. I do believe there are better ways to do things, but I also believe that each child has a discipline style that works best for them (kinda like different learning styles in home schooling). Speaking up is not the merit, instead finding a way to improve the situation is.

 

As for the recent threads on leaving in cars, etc. I am not a police caller. The repercussions of calling police can run far and wide and I would not make the call lightly. Fact finding and prayer may lead to that, but not instantly.

[Susu]

I don't know what the answer is. I am still haunted by a scene just this past spring in the store. A mom and her middle school aged daughter were together. The girl was maybe a tiny bit overweight, but more "puppy fat" than anything else, and she asked for a chocolate bunny that was on an after Easter clearance" table. The mom said..."The last thing a chunky girl like you needs is chocolate..." and she went on and on about her being overweight. My face turned red and I prayed for that young lady. I didn't know what to say, and I didn't want to make it more embarrassing for the girl, so I said nothing. But I still wonder if I could have said something...I long for the ability to say just the right gracious thing...but it still eludes me.

 

I also have had times in the past when someone has said something to me that I resented, but later came to appreciate. We should all be open to being taught and to growing. But as for out and out confrontation...it is a very thin line that has to be treaded with care...for the sake of the child if no one else.

 

Susu

[Peela]

I generally won't step in but I will send love from my heart to a child in a difficult situation, and hopefully when I remember, love to the parent as well. I believe people pick it up on some level.

The one that gets me is little babies in prams in supermarkets, the mother letting them scream while they push the pram, and I just want them to pick up the baby and hold it. It breaks my heart. But, I don't feel its appropriate to say anything.

I agree that hormones will play a part as to whether I say something or not. I generally wont, but there are times I will and I am not sure what makes the difference- the situation, or the mood I am in.

[HayesW]

I try to believe the very best in people. If I had seen you spanking your son at the zoo, I would assume that you were having an incredibly tough day. I would never have said, ESPECIALLY to your son, that I was so sorry for him. I might have asked if you needed a hand, or offered a kind word,"Sorry you are having a bad day. Can I help you with anything?" or "Sometimes we have days like that at our house too. Maybe a cold drink would make everyone feel better. Can I buy you a coke?"

 

I have had someone tell me I was mean. Really, to my face. I had just had my 5th child. Instead of offering a kind word or some much needed help, she chastised me. It hurt me so deeply that almost 3 years later, I am still having troublie loving this woman.

 

I would never say something to a parent about letting their child stand in a cart. I might say,"Oops! He stood up!" Sometimes I miss it when my wiggly 10 month old squirms and is able to stand up in the cart when I don't see him. IT HAPPENS! I am so glad your children never do it, but mine do, on occassion. Sometimes, I need to look away. I expect my bigger kids to behave, but the 10 month old hasn't quite reached the age where he obeys all the time yet.

[PineFarmMom]

.

Edited August 30, 2009 by Texas T

[Tabrett]

I'm not sure where you are talking about standing in the shopping cart. I let my dc stand inside the big basket and hold on and I also let my dc stand on the outside of the cart and hold on. If someone questioned me about this, I would be irritated. I feel comfortable with my dc doing this. I also did it as a child and never had any problems. Are you talking about standing in the seat of the cart? I don't let my dc do that.

 

I ONLY say something to a parent if their dc is in danger and the parent doesn't see the child. IF the parent is watching and letting the dc do something I feel uncomfortable with, I keep my mouth shut. Obviously, the parent is ok with letting their child do the activity.

 

If I saw real abuse (not someone spanking their dc) I would step in, but I have never seen that before.

 

There are lots if thing I let my dc do that other parents on this board would go berserk about and there are thing on this board that people let their dc do that really, really make me mad.

 

That why I keep my mouth shut. I believe that parents are responsible for their own dc and not other peoples. I don't want other people telling me how to raise my dc so, I don't tell other people how to raise theirs.

[Desert Rat]

I'm not sure where you are talking about standing in the shopping cart. I let my dc stand inside the big basket and hold on and I also let my dc stand on the outside of the cart and hold on. If someone questioned me about this, I would be irritated. I feel comfortable with my dc doing this. I also did it as a child and never had any problems. Are you talking about standing in the seat of the cart? I don't let my dc do that.

 

My dad was in the grocery business for 35 years. This is one thing that was drilled into my head, over and over, never let kids stand in the basket! Now, I don't tell other people in stores not to let their kids stand in carts but my dad would kill me if he ever caught me letting my dc do that! My dad witnessed a 2 year toppling out of a cart. 911 had to be called and he ended up with a scull fracture (the parents tried to sue my dad's store because this was before the little pictures on the cart). This is just one incident in a long string of accidents. I let me kids SIT in the basket when they were younger, but never stand. Just me little PSA.

 

I'm sure I do all sorts of naughty things or let my kids do all sorts of unsafe things that have other people cringing. Just thought I would add in my grocery cart story and the reasoning behind it.

 

An embarassing moment for me when I crossed the line and shouldn't have is when my youngest was 18 months old and we were playing at the park adjacent to the soccer field where my oldest was practicing. There was a group of 10 year olds throwing their shoes up in the air and a shoe hit my son twice. I asked them nicely several times and they actually laughed in my face. I lost it and told them that the next shoe that came anywhere near me was getting tossed over this retention wall with razor wire. They went to their moms and I had a herd of mothers who were very angry with me. Ugh. I should have just kept my mouth shut and taken my little one somewhere else.:blush:

[Night Elf]

I don't cross that line. I'm too afraid to do so. And I have not liked being confronted by someone else who thought they could offer advice because of how they perceived my situation. It has never been helpful, mostly because it was always about my son who has Asperger's. If I don't feel comfortable with someone's parenting, I keep my family away from them. I don't interfere with strangers. If I saw something that the police could possibly be interested in, like someone hurt or small kids in a hot car, I would call 911 and let them know my concern. But I wouldn't do anything on my own. I genuinely feel like my family needs to come first. If I step in to help and I get injured or killed, my family will suffer. I suppose that is seen as selfish to some people. I see it as self preservation.

[iluvmy4blessings]

I have made it a point to try and learn from everything . That means when someone criticizes me I try to work through my emotions and learn from it. Even if what they said was rude, I try my best to learn from it if it's a reasonable observation and ignore/forgive them if it's not reasonable observation . I do this because I feel it is the best way to handle the situation instead of getting angry.

 

Having said how I deal with criticism, I will now say how I hand it out! My personal belief is that you need an invitiation to give "constructive criticism". Many people are under the impression that if they can rationalize in their mind that the criticism they are giving is constructive then it is acceptable to hand it out to everyone from perfect strangers to closest friends/family. I am not of that opinion. If you are in a situation where someone is asking you for advice or you're in a group situation like Bible Study or support group where people are asking for opinions..that is one thing . Otherwise, I consider it to be totally inappropriate.

 

If a child was in danger, I would hover (as another poster said). If it was extreme I might say to the mom "Oh gosh I hope she doesn't fall! That makes me nervous. I'm sorry!" As far as someone leaving their shopping cart in the parking lot...I would NEVER say something to them about it. I might think to myself something..but I would never in a million years be so presumptuous as to actually say something out loud to them.

 

I think a great many people in this world are under the impression that the general public actually cares what they think. Sorry to say it's just not the case. Most people could care less what you think and if you tell them, they just get angry. That does not mean that I, myself, don't care what people think or that you should never give an opinion. I just think that many people are under the impression that their opinion matters to everyone more than it actually does.

 

I have a friend who is constantly telling people her every opinion . She always follows it up by saying.."Well it might get me in trouble but you know me...I tell it like it is"....She once told a child she needed to wear a bra. The child was in 3rd grade and she felt it was time for her to get a bra. When the girl went home and told her mother, you can imagine the mom was none too thrilled. She did not appreciate it one bit. Although my friend may have been right..it was not imho her place to say that. I have a lot of examples of her "telling it like it is" to people . As a result she has lost one husband and 2 jobs. Her life would be a lot less difficult if she would learn how to keep her opinions to herself or at the very least give it out more sparingly.

[Impish]

A friend of mine, when talking about handing out advice, said the perfect thing, "People don't care what you know, til they know that you care."

[hsmom3tn]

I just wanted to pop in and say thank you all for sharing your thoughts. :001_smile:

 

Someone asked about standing in the shopping cart, and yes, I did mean standing in the front seat. I mean the times when the parent is aware and is not making much effort to make the child sit down. I think the hovering idea is a good one.

[LibraryLover]

As a non spanking, non- punitive parent, I need to distance myself from spankers. IRL none of my friends or family are rough with their kids, so that's good, and spanking is not accpeted or expected. I live in an area where spanking is not common among most people. When I have seen people in public be rough with kids, I have smiled at them, & a few times have said something like 'Kids can really drive you crazy, can't they?" or 'Too bad they couldn't be as easy as they are cute" or other things that I think might get them to slow down or relax a bit.

 

Online, I tend not to read posts that are about rough handling of children as a matter of practice. I don't think people hear ideas with which they do not agree. People believe they are doing the right thing by their children. I know I would never listen to a person tell me that I should spank or punish.

 

However, if a person is asking about alternatives to hitting or punishing, then I would probably offer my experiences.

[Tabrett]

My dad was in the grocery business for 35 years. This is one thing that was drilled into my head, over and over, never let kids stand in the basket! Now, I don't tell other people in stores not to let their kids stand in carts but my dad would kill me if he ever caught me letting my dc do that! My dad witnessed a 2 year toppling out of a cart. 911 had to be called and he ended up with a scull fracture (the parents tried to sue my dad's store because this was before the little pictures on the cart). This is just one incident in a long string of accidents. I let me kids SIT in the basket when they were younger, but never stand. Just me little PSA.

 

 

Only one kid got hurt in 35 years? That is a pretty good track record! Many dc get hurt on the playground and I don't stop taking my dc to play!

 

Kalah-I was waiting for someone to call me on this! My dc are 4 and 5 not 2. I wouldn't let a 2 yo stand. But this is the type of thing I think parents need to use their own judgment for. There are many dangerous things that we as parents have to decide yes or no, as to whether or not we allow our dc to do the activity. Where I may feel safe in one activity another parent might not. I know people who won't let their dc play football because they might break an arm or leg. Dc do break bones every year playing football. I don't question their judgment. It is their dc not mine. I would let my dc play football.

 

I get very irritated with a particular family member who gets on to me and my dh all the time because our dc don't say ma'am and sir. That is not important to us, but our family member thinks we are not teaching our dc to be respectful. This family member also gets mad when our dc act up and that we don't have our 4 and 5 yo in organized sports! Again this family member is constantly tell us what we should do! This family member is pregnant with their first dc:D. Can't wait to see how um........humbling having a real dc will be. Dc are not as easy to deal with as one might think!!!!!

 

My point is-Each parent is responsible for their own dc. I can't be responsible for everyone, nor would I want to be. I don't want people telling me what my dc should or should not be doing. I have to take responsibly for my dc's actions. If my dc fell out of a grocery cart because I was letting them stand in the cart, I would not try to sue the grocery store. It would have been MY fault!!! Other people are not responsible for MY lack of judgment.

 

PS-I also think it is stupid that restaurants have to put "caution content is hot" on a coffee cup! Just because a woman burned her mouth on coffee. Of course it HOT! It's coffee!

[Loupelou]

I too tend to hover if I am concerned about potential danger in a situation. I don't usually go out of my way to escalate anything. I have noticed as I've gotten older I am more willing to take action though. We've had many instances at parks, or McDonalds when other children are behaving in a way that could bring harm to others or has and I will kindly ask them to stop. I have also made comments to parents meant to diffuse the situation, something with a smile, letting them know that I've been there. It just breaks my heart to see the way some parents treat their dc. I often wonder if that is the way they act in public, what the heck are they doing at home?

 

Just this morning I ran into town to our tiny grocery, we live in a town of about 500, there was a very young boy alone in a car! My dd and I sat and watched him for a moment, we looked around to see if any adults were nearby. Just when we got out of the car to say something he decided to get out and go in. We followed him in and saw that he was related to one of the clerks who told him his dad was in the back. When we left the store the car was still there, I am really glad that when he got out and crossed the parking lot nothing happened. It just floors me that someone would do that with 1 kid! How hard is it to take one kid in with you??

 

I have had people say something to me in the store about an infant standing in the cart, usually I don't mind, if I really didn't see the problem I'll say, "oh, thanks!", with a smile. Most of the time what they don't realize is that the cart strap is broken and I am holding the child's leg!:tongue_smilie:You gotta love Walmart!

 

I don't give parenting advice unless I am asked specifically by an interested parent.

 

I have stood up to my relations when they discipline in my home, as far as asking them to refrain while my family leaves the room. I would think that is just common courtesy. I have also made it very clear to dh's family on more than one occasion that the media at the family gathering was inappropriate for our family and we would either leave or go to another room.

 

My reaction can definitely depend on hormones, when I'm pregnant- watch out! - One year we went camping in Eastern Washington, I was upset because we got there late due to car touble, and then we found we were camped in a glorified parking lot overlooking a lake filled with boats and water skis, neither of which we had, and no place for kids! Around 1 am a truck loaded with guys pulled into the site next to us, they proceeded to pile out laughing and carousing, obviously drunk and threatening to wake up my sleeping children. I lay there a minute with dh telling me just to leave it alone. Obviously I lumbered out, I can only imagine what I must have looked like, in sweatpants and 8 months pregnant, I began to very loudly call them out and inform that they had better shut-up and get settled down or I was going to find the ranger and get them kicked out. I can still remember dh in the tent hissing at me to just get back in!:D Well, we didn't hear another peep out of them, and if I recall they moved to a different campsite in the morning!:lol::lol:

[Desert Rat]

Only one kid got hurt in 35 years? That is a pretty good track record! Many dc get hurt on the playground and I don't stop taking my dc to play!

 

LOL. No, not once in 35 years. That would have been awesome. No this is the worst and the one where he got yelled at for helping the little one who was completely unconsious. Store policy was that if someone gets hurt in the store you are to completely ignore that person in hopes that they won't sue. Ugh. I think it goes against good samaritan laws to ignore an injured person. Dad did too, that's why he helped.

 

I agree with the rest of your post though. No offense meant. :001_smile:

[littlebug42]

Personally, I mind my own business and expect others to mind theirs. For example, my youngest daughter was born with a clubfoot which required casting on and off throughout her infancy with the first going on when she was 10 days old. I cannot count the "accusatory glances" and comments regarding what I did to my child until I finally snapped and yelled at someone about her being born with a birth defect. When you have walked a mile in my parenting shoes then you have the right to lecture me about parenting my children.

[mirth]

Why can't you say anything to anyone, especially if you actually have something to say? Why not? Is it not better to address a problem with that one person, typically a stranger, than to vent and rant away much later at a forum full of strangers, or a group of friends, or your therapist? If I am doing something you find intolerable, speak up. Just be prepared for me speaking up too if I don't agree with you. <== This is the main reason people don't speak up, I believe.

 

As for the ten-year glares of hate, really ... how bimbotic. So if a person is happy and you walk in the room, they have to turn around to give you the death glare and then resume happiness.

[AndyJoy]

Over the years I've stepped into several situations that involved safety or stealing, though I wasn't a parent.

 

When I worked at Wal-mart, several of the employees very nicely asked parents not to let their children stand in the carts. I once caught a falling 2-year-old whose mom's back was turned as she chatted with a friend. The lady gave me a dirty look! I'm holding her child inches from the floor and she was annoyed at me and stormed off, though I explained that I caught him! :glare:

 

By the way, I worked at Wal-mart for only 8 mo., and saw 2 children actually fall from the basket of the cart, and several more fall in the cart.

 

When I was 18, I was shopping at Wal-mart and saw a 10-year-old chasing his terrified 5-year-old brother around the Halloween section spraying him in the face with temporary hair dye, with no parents in sight! I channeled my mom's "teacher voice" and said "STOP RIGHT THERE! Where are your parents? You could seriously damage your brother's eyes, and unless you plan to pay for that hair dye, you are stealing it by spraying it around." The older boy sheepishly lead me to them, and I told them what he was doing. They thanked me and instantly started reprimanding him. Even if they hadn't responded well, I felt the need to stop this situation, and couldn't resist adding the lecture.

 

When I was 16, I saw an 8-year-old slip a candy into his pocket at the grocery store. He saw me watching him, but evidently assumed a random teenager wouldn't do anything. I told him to put it back. He played innocent, so I said, "Ok, let's go find your mom and the manager." He put it back and ran off.

[WishboneDawn]

I don't tend to critique people's parenting and it really irks me (more than irks) when someone (here or IRL) tries to critique mine. IMO, until you have walked in their shoes and lived their lives, you have literally NO IDEA what you are talking about with regard to their personal business.

 

I don't really believe this anymore. I'm quite sure there are times when outsiders may not understand the a situation completely but there are LOTS of other when what I'm going through is exactly what mothers have been going through for eons. And while I may not welcome strangers sticking their noses into my business there have been times, especially when those strangers have been much older women, when their interference was not only what I needed at the time but also helpful in the long run.

 

They didn't need to walk in my shoes to be able to critique what I was doing. I'm not such a special mom nor are my kids so wildly original that their own experience couldn't help them assess what I was doing or going through.

 

I should add that those women who were interfering and critiquing were generally not rude about it. Very upfront and in a case or too, a bit pushy but not ignorant in any way.

[LibraryLover]

Personally, I mind my own business and expect others to mind theirs. For example, my youngest daughter was born with a clubfoot which required casting on and off throughout her infancy with the first going on when she was 10 days old. I cannot count the "accusatory glances" and comments regarding what I did to my child until I finally snapped and yelled at someone about her being born with a birth defect. When you have walked a mile in my parenting shoes then you have the right to lecture me about parenting my children.

 

That's horrible. I had a child who needed surgery for birth defects , and the legs were casted from thigh to toes for months. I never even considered anyone was thinking I might have harmed my child. Nobody said a word like that, and I got a lot of sympathetic looks and 'Oh, poor little thing" clucks. But nothing that suggested I'd abused the child!

[Pamela H in Texas]

I am extremely non-confrontational IRL. I would never say anything but I cringe all the time at how most people treat their children (tone of voice, hitting, etc).

 

Once in a blue moon, I do say something.

 

A couple months ago, my daughter was driving and made this sharp S-turn by our home. Thankfully, she was going the speed limit. Well, a girl comes from the other direction and lost control of her car, skdding and sliding past in front of us, crossing our lane into the ditch beside us. We pulled over, dd called 911, I ran to the car. The girl was shaken up but fine. I DID tell her that we're all fortunate my daughter was going the speed limit or all of us could be VERY hurt. I told her that I know it's easy to be in a hurry and that 35 seems awfully slow, but better to go 35 and be a little late getting to her destination than go 60 (and she had to be going 60 or so) and kill herself and others on the way.

 

A couple months ago, I also told the young lady next door that if her dog (who was being aggressive towards my son) was outside unleashed/unpenned again, I would call animal services. She moved out owing the man next door 3 months rent (she was the daughter's friend who moved in after the mother had died).

 

Anyway, but I didn't say anything to the woman yelling at her kids and hitting her baby at the grocery store a couple hours ago. My daughter wondered why the woman didn't prevent some of the issues she was having (outlining what she could have done).

 

I wish I were more outspoken when it could be beneficial. Instead of cringing and wishing I were anywhere else (or steaming inside--which is my most common thing when it's a child involved. Why do so many horrible parents get several kids when I couldn't have more and wouldn't act like an undisciplined toddler myself?), I wish I could say just the right thing to get someone to think, preferably without making them mad in the process.

 

I'm just not one to do it.

[KidsHappen]

I'm not sure where you are talking about standing in the shopping cart. I let my dc stand inside the big basket and hold on and I also let my dc stand on the outside of the cart and hold on. If someone questioned me about this, I would be irritated. I feel comfortable with my dc doing this. I also did it as a child and never had any problems. Are you talking about standing in the seat of the cart? I don't let my dc do that.

 

I ONLY say something to a parent if their dc is in danger and the parent doesn't see the child. IF the parent is watching and letting the dc do something I feel uncomfortable with, I keep my mouth shut. Obviously, the parent is ok with letting their child do the activity.

 

If I saw real abuse (not someone spanking their dc) I would step in, but I have never seen that before.

 

There are lots if thing I let my dc do that other parents on this board would go berserk about and there are thing on this board that people let their dc do that really, really make me mad.

 

That why I keep my mouth shut. I believe that parents are responsible for their own dc and not other peoples. I don't want other people telling me how to raise my dc so, I don't tell other people how to raise theirs.

 

I am talking about a child standing in the seat. As a store manager, I most often saw this in children between the ages of say 6 months and maybe 2 years old. They would stand up in the seat holding on to the bar. I saw many near falls but luckily only one fall in which the child actually hit the ground. In every single instance the mother was not paying attention to the child and did not notice that the child had stood up.

 

I have also stopped children from darting out of store doors or into the street and more than once I had to open doors in which the child's finger had become pinched in the hinge. I don't judge because I myself have had my children get injured because I wasn't paying enough attention or was not aware of the danger (especially when I was younger and inexperienced) but neither do I stand idly by and let a child injure themselves.