Anybody else have complicated sisters?

[violamama]

My sister is kind of a flake. It's sucky. She's supposed to be visiting our house from out of state right now to help watch my boys when I travel for a few days for work. We haven't seen her in almost a year, and she was all excited about helping out. She was supposed to come for Christmas. She has lost every job she's ever had for not showing up at some point (though the last one she held onto for 19 years).

 

I'm pretty sure she overuses painkillers. She has wacky medical problems and that's what she likes to talk about. 30 years, no diagnoses. Our mom is an RN, my FIL is an MD. They don't buy her issues.

 

I don't know what I want from telling you all this, except that it makes me sad and crazy. It's hard to love her because she lies to me (usually about stuff she seems to think I'll judge her for which hurts my feelings) and she just doesn't show up when we're excited to see her after long absences. Confronting her would make it all worse because she tends to feel guilty and get depressed anyway.

 

Anybody have people like this they love? Sigh. I miss her stupid butt.

[jeninok]

Not my sister, but an Aunt who is only a few years older than me. Her situation sounds much like your sisters, and at this point in my life, if she shows up I am happy, but I never ever expect it, and I certainly don't ask her to bring anything vital for family meals!

 

My uncle (her brother) is also a mess, even more so than her. He was once 36 hours late getting into town :toetap05: :smash:

, and no one panicked, or called hospitals. I took too long at the grocery store not long ago, and my mom was getting worried because it took me about an hour too long. She was ready to go drive the route between our house and the store!

[Faithr]

I have eight wacky sisters. Some are less wacky than others, but each has their own wackiness. Really, dysfunction is the normal state of things! Isn't it???

[AlmiraGulch]

I have 4 sisters and a brother. Many of our relationships with each other were non-existent for year....decades....because of the manipulation of one of them, the eldest.

 

In October 2010 I was able, thankfully, to bring much of it to light. As a result, 4 of us are now closer than ever, but none of the 4 of us will likely ever speak to her again. My 2nd oldest sister is still under her, I don't know...spell, or whatever it is, and where she and I used to be close we now barely speak. The other 3 don't have anything to do with her, either.

 

So, yeah....I get complicated sisters. I don't get the need to manipulate everything around you. Seems exhausting to me to live your life as a Puppet Master.

[lynn]

My sisters are strange in their own way. My middle sister calls and starts the conversation like she has been talking to me for an hour! I have to stop her and say "Um Shari, please fill me in on the beginning of what happened" Sometimes she will and sometimes she'll say "Oh, just forget it". I makes me sad because I really do care and want to listen but sometimes I really do need her to tell me what happened first.

 

I love them all and enjoy time with them. However, I found that it's best to visit just a couple days at a time.

[Tess in the Burbs]

Mine has several issues and depending on the year it's different ones more than other ones.

 

Her main issues are alcoholism. She has that under control right now. She's done jail many times, crashed multiple cars and been called miracle my several fire depts for surviving her messes. Rehab only gives her 30 days and the day after is usually a catch up drinking fest. But right now she's back in school, hoping to get a masters and actually living with her husband, so I guess she's ok right now. But it probably means she's not eating. The anorexia tends to surface when the alcohol isn't her priority. SO she's alive but probably under 100 pounds....and who knows when she will end up in the hospital for that since for the most part we as a family avoid her in person.

 

So yes, I have a complicated sister. She also has no kids by choices which means visits are not good...she can't tolerate mine either. She will tell you she's the most selfish person in the world. And she is.

[*********]

Yes OP, I have complicated sisters.

 

They all dislike me for different reasons.

 

Hunh. I suppose if you asked them, *I'm* the problem. But really, I'm a pretty nice person! Lol.

 

Our upbringing was dysfunctional to say the least, so I'm not really surprised that us 4 girls aren't close as adults. But I miss and love my sisters. I hope they know that. I try to communicate that to them the best I can. Sigh.

[dbmamaz]

my sister has mental health problems (in and out of the hospital and major meds) and physical also (some fibro/cfs and other immune issues, i think). I've stopped talking to her several times over the years, but we've been out of touch for about 2.5 years now.

 

the scariest thing is how much my daughter reminds me of my sister. my daughter is at my mom's now . . .my mom has years of experience of dealing with this kind of cruel and manipulative but talented and bright person. i dont have a thick enough skin. its breaking my heart.

 

i'm 47 . . .so its been a long haul

[sassenach]

Do you really want her watching your boys? She sounds unstable.

 

I don't have any sisters, but several other family members sound a lot like yours. I keep my distance.

[maddykate]

Yes I do. Both of my sisters were/are complicated. My one sister passed away in 2002 and she was extremely difficult to be around. Just really, really strange. My other sister is very manipulative and takes advantage of everyone (especially our dad). We try to get along, but we really have nothing in common. I would definetly describe our relationship as complicated. I am so praying that my girls have relationships with each other that they can enjoy and that is meaningful for each of them.

[DianeW88]

Nope. No sisters. And can I say....I like it that way. :D

[Harriet Vane]

Yes. Nuff said.

[lovemykids]

Yes. Nuff said.

 

 

Ditto. :laugh: :glare:

[elegantlion]

Yes, it's hard to believe we were raised in the same household. I think she's an alien invader and I'm sure she thinks I am a dumb-wit.

[jhschool]

my sister has mental health problems (in and out of the hospital and major meds) and physical also (some fibro/cfs and other immune issues, i think). I've stopped talking to her several times over the years, but we've been out of touch for about 2.5 years now.

 

the scariest thing is how much my daughter reminds me of my sister. my daughter is at my mom's now . . .my mom has years of experience of dealing with this kind of cruel and manipulative but talented and bright person. i dont have a thick enough skin. its breaking my heart.

 

i'm 47 . . .so its been a long haul

 

I'm sorry. :grouphug:

[amy g.]

I used to have a complicated sister, but she has changed.

 

She didn't want me to be born, and never let me forget it. She was always afraid people would like me more, or worse that I really was somehow better, so she had to be sure to be mean and belittle me as often as possible, and around as many people as possible.

 

Really we were both pawns in a cycle that started with my grandparents. My mother was jealous of her favored younger sister. She was traumatized by the favoritism.

 

She played the whole thing out again with my sister and myself, even using identical sentences to the ones she used to describe her childhood.

 

When my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, my sister was afraid that she would not be good enough to help. She was afraid that she was too selfish, because that was always her family role.

 

My dad and I both assured her that if she just listened to herself and did only what she really wanted to do, it would be the perfect thing at the perfect time.

 

In my dad's last days, she was able to be with him when he did not want me to see him sick and frail. He did not want to take my time from my family.

 

The hospice nurse had just assured my sister that he "sure wasn't dying this weekend" He grabbed her hand and cried"change, change"

 

My sister whirled around on the nurse in a rage and yelled," is he DYING?"

 

As she crossed to the other side of the bed, her rage and fear were lifted. She whispered in his ear to go be with his mother and his best friend because his work on earth was finished.

 

Then she sang "How Great Thou Art" with all of the hospice staff gathered around his bed.

 

I never had the same sister again. He actually took her baggage with him. She is happy, loving, sober, can not be helpful enough or do enough for others.

 

She has already called me twice today to tell me how much she loves me.

 

So, yes, I grew up with a very complicated sister, but I don't have one anymore.

[babs]

 

 

Ditto. :laugh: :glare:

 

 

I ditto the ditto. How about brothers?!

[violamama]

Babs- absolutely, loved ones of any frustrating kind.

 

It's kind of embarrassing how nice it is to read about others and their difficult family members. Not in a schadenfreude way, but in an I'm not alone sort of vibe.

 

Sassenach- good question. About 20 years ago I realized the best way to not end up hating her was to always have a backup. She is always the icing on any plan, so even if she flakes we can still eat cake. My husband and parents will be watching the boys, but she was supposed to help.

 

Her new postponed flight comes tonight... will she show up? Anybody's guess...

[violamama]

I used to have a complicated sister, but she has changed.

 

She didn't want me to be born, and never let me forget it. She was always afraid people would like me more, or worse that I really was somehow better, so she had to be sure to be mean and belittle me as often as possible, and around as many people as possible.

 

Really we were both pawns in a cycle that started with my grandparents. My mother was jealous of her favored younger sister. She was traumatized by the favoritism.

 

She played the whole thing out again with my sister and myself, even using identical sentences to the ones she used to describe her childhood.

 

When my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, my sister was afraid that she would not be good enough to help. She was afraid that she was too selfish, because that was always her family role.

 

My dad and I both assured her that if she just listened to herself and did only what she really wanted to do, it would be the perfect thing at the perfect time.

 

In my dad's last days, she was able to be with him when he did not want me to see him sick and frail. He did not want to take my time from my family.

 

The hospice nurse had just assured my sister that he "sure wasn't dying this weekend" He grabbed her hand and cried"change, change"

 

My sister whirled around on the nurse in a rage and yelled," is he DYING?"

 

As she crossed to the other side of the bed, her rage and fear were lifted. She whispered in his ear to go be with his mother and his best friend because his work on earth was finished.

 

Then she sang "How Great Thou Art" with all of the hospice staff gathered around his bed.

 

I never had the same sister again. He actually took her baggage with him. She is happy, loving, sober, can not be helpful enough or do enough for others.

 

She has already called me twice today to tell me how much she loves me.

 

So, yes, I grew up with a very complicated sister, but I don't have one anymore.

 

 

That. Is beautiful. Yay.

[Scarlett]

My sister is kind of a flake. It's sucky. She's supposed to be visiting our house from out of state right now to help watch my boys when I travel for a few days for work. We haven't seen her in almost a year, and she was all excited about helping out. She was supposed to come for Christmas. She has lost every job she's ever had for not showing up at some point (though the last one she held onto for 19 years).

 

I'm pretty sure she overuses painkillers. She has wacky medical problems and that's what she likes to talk about. 30 years, no diagnoses. Our mom is an RN, my FIL is an MD. They don't buy her issues.

 

I don't know what I want from telling you all this, except that it makes me sad and crazy. It's hard to love her because she lies to me (usually about stuff she seems to think I'll judge her for which hurts my feelings) and she just doesn't show up when we're excited to see her after long absences. Confronting her would make it all worse because she tends to feel guilty and get depressed anyway.

 

Anybody have people like this they love? Sigh. I miss her stupid butt.

 

 

My brother. He has consistantly disappointed all of us over the years, but I love him anyway. He couldn't find the gas money to drive 90 miles to see us when my son was born...my only child, born to me when I was almost 35 years old. But hey I can see how he didn't have time to put gas money in his budget---oh wait yes he did! Nine months of notice! Still bugs me after 13 years. But I do love him.

 

I try to focus on the good...he send me a text picture yesterday of a stuffed animal I bought him when he was 9 and having his appendix out. He kept it all these years.

[TammyS]

I have a sister like that. I'm the oldest and she's the youngest, though only 3 years apart (with a brother between us). We grew up in a heavily dysfunctional household (my mother was married 5 times in my childhood, all losers, with boyfriends in between, also losers, you can imagine). When we grew up, I swore to myself I wouldn't live that way anymore and I work hard to keep my life a drama-free zone. My sister just took it as the norm. So, the result is that we are completely different.

 

I'm religious and homeschool. My sister is indifferent to religion (she isn't anything religious, atheist, no philosophy, it's just not on her radar).

 

We live very frugally, she measures her life by her stuff, literally. Her truck has one of those windshield stickers along the top that says "spoiled rotten".

 

I have very specific things that I want to accomplish in raising my kids. She just doesn't think about that sort of thing (don't get me wrong, she loves her kids, but it would never occur to her to, say, actively work a character trait that her kid needs to improve).

 

My life calm and largely quiet (in the literal sense, we have TV but it's seldom on, and while I love music, it doesn't get played much during the day for various practical reasons). Her life is LOUD. Everyone yells everything, the TVs are always on, and arguments are loud, get carried out onto the street, and are often quasi-physical.

 

We are just really different and don't know how to talk to each other. I can't talk to her about TV or pop music and she thinks that everything I am interested in is boring or she feels judged by it.

 

So, we just leave each other be. There's no falling out or anything like that. But like two people who are entirely different, there is just no common ground.

[PachiSusan]

My sister and I are just very very different. We love each other the whole wide world, but everything must stay superficial or we will be fighting over everything.

[Danestress]

All women are complicated.

 

I would not trade my beautiful, complicated sisters for anything. Not having sisters seems like a sad thing to me.

[Scarlett]

All women are complicated.

 

I would not trade my beautiful, complicated sisters for anything. Not having sisters seems like a sad thing to me.

 

 

I agree. I didn't have sisters most of my life. When I was 37 I got a step sister who is complicated and wonderful. Then when I was 43 I was 'found' by my long lost sister....it has been wonderful having that bond.

 

And I got a great SIL when I married dh 2 years ago. I love it even though she is also quite complicated.

 

I wonder what they all say about me? :glare:

[violamama]

I don't think she has these particularly problems just because she's female, or that women are more prone to be complicated. They might be more up front about it at times, but there's definitely no female monopoly on dysfunction.

 

But I'm totally with you on not trading her for anything. And I do want her in my life, more than just superficially. That's what hurts.

 

She just bumped her arrival (for a third time) out to Wednesday. Whatever, just keep swimming...

[kewb]

My sister and I had a terrible relationship when we were growing up. Our personalities are night and day. Our parents marriage was so dysfunctional that we had no idea how to be sisters. We were spent our childhoods trying to save ourselves and we had no idea how to turn to each other for support. It was kind of lonely fighting all the time. I was so happy when she left for college.

 

Now we are in our middle age with families of our own and I wouldn't say we are the best of friends. But we are sisters. We have each others backs when dealing with our family. If nothing else we can talk about our mom. We live far apart so we only see each other a couple of times a year and the two of us can usually spend about 3 days together before we devolve into our old patterns. We don't chat on the phone daily, or even weekly, but we check in every couple of months.

 

Sometimes I wish we had that sister relationship where you chat daily and lunch and I don't know be like sisters in the movies I guess but we don't and the reality is I wouldn't trade her for anyone else. She is my big sister and no matter how old I get she will always be older..

[Granny_Weatherwax]

:sad: more than likely, I am considered the complicated sister.

[violamama]

I was daydreaming just now and figure my sil finds me complicated. I take myself too seriously and tend to be sensitive. Plus we're the first in the family with kids and we're anal, overprotective, intense, screen-limiting weirdo homeschoolers who have no clue about pop culture or fashion trends. To the extended family, that's definitely finicky & complicated. ;-)

[dbmamaz]

I'm pretty sure my family thinks of me as cold-hearted, but not complicated. i'm a straight-shooter who is consistent with what i believe and do. they are all about the drama and i dont do drama. i call them on their crap and they get offended. they try to guilt-trip me in to doing what they want me to do and i walk away. i dont really think thats complicated. i pay my bills and live my own life.

[mommaduck]

Six girls and four boys...the most complicated is a brother. The twins also have an interesting relationship.

[sbgrace]

I thought better of my reply. But I have a sister very much like yours OP. Her health stuff is real though. Maybe your sister has something real too (metabolic/mitochondrial, parathyroid disease, and similar are often missed for many years).