Is there any circumstance you can imagine where you would leave your children?

[Rosie_0801]

I was trying to decide whether I'd abandon the family or kill myself. I decided I couldn't live knowing I had abandoned myself so began making plans for suicide. The only thing I was waiting for was the right day to put my plans into action.

 

 

:grouphug: My mother was in the same mind space when I was in my late teens, my sister 2 years younger and my brother another 4 years younger. I don't think she's ever told the other two about that. A few years later she moved to the other side of the country with another chap, but that didn't bother us. We were all grown up enough not to mind much. Well, I think my sister felt a bit cheated, but my brother and I didn't mind. A woman's got to do what a woman's got to do. It's not like she was cheating on Dad or anything, they'd separated about two years before.

I can't imagine leaving my kids, but I wouldn't think badly if my sister left hers with me while she went on a research trip or something like that for a few months.

 

Rosie

[katemary63]

Death...

 

This and only this - to leave either kids or husband. Honestly, I couldn't walk away from him either for any reason within my imagination....unless he hurt my children....which he would never do. :001_smile:

 

I am so very sorry for your sister's children. To be left by a mother is one of the most severe emotional pains there is. I know. My heart aches for them and I pray that they will receive the help they need to make it through this. Bless you for being there for them. A pox on her for what she's done. ( just a figure of speach, but seriously....)

Edited February 12, 2009 by katemary63

[Mom2boys]

Years ago my aunt walked out on my uncle and their two adopted children. My uncle and his children were devastated. They never got over it. The kids are now in their forties and both are divorced. Both have been in jail. In hind sight, they all should have been in counseling. It's a very sad situation.

[Mommy22alyns]

Only death would keep me from my girls. I couldn't live with myself, away from them.

[JoyfulMama]

Been there...around the summer of 2002.quote]

 

Thank you for sharing this. You are a strong woman to survive through it.:grouphug:

[dragons in the flower bed]

I was trying to decide whether I'd abandon the family or kill myself.

 

Thank goodness for that friend who hung until you found your way out, JoAnn. Thank you also for sharing. It doesn't sound like this is what's going on with the OP's family, but I think homeschool moms need to be more open with each other about this stuff. It's too easy for us to get isolated.

[bettyandbob]

1. If perhaps I was mentally ill or addicted to drugs and had come to the conclusion I needed treatment.

 

2. If my leaving would result in saving my dc's lives somehow. This is vague, but maybe there's some unknown out there.

 

3. If my leaving would provide for them when living together could not (like the women who immigrate here for jobs. There's a school system in MD that hires bunches of Philipine teachers and they send as much money as they can home).

 

After I finished reading all the posts and came to the OPs explanation, I have to wonder if her sister isn't depressed. She's seeking an escape that in all likelihood will blow up in her face. I wonder about more details. Do her children have special needs and if so what support systems did she take advantage of. My youngest has a lifelong disability and my oldest has serious issues which have caused intense problems since he was 2 and will likely continue into college. I tried to fix all. I wore myself out. I sometimes felt like running, but I had nowhere to go and knew running wouldn't help the situation and my children would suffer more. I'm starting to except that I can not fix these problems. I'm starting to take care of myself and I feel better. I'm sure there other serious problems besides having dc with disabilities that would make someone have delusions about running away, but I don't have other experience.

Edited February 12, 2009 by betty

[Dayle in Guatemala]

:grouphug::grouphug:She sounds as though she's dealing with something emotionally deep--call it depression or whatever. Unfortunately, I'm afraid she'll live to regret her decision. I'm so sorry this is happening in your family.

[sweetTN]

Never, ever.

 

My xdil left my ds with her ds (1 1/2 yrs old) from a previous relationship and their dd (6 mo. old) saying she decided she did not want to be a wife or a mother. My ds got custody of his dd and legal guardianship of her ds. My ds was not even 20 yrs old and this devastated him. We ended up raising ds's dd and have since adopted her. Ds still has custody of xwifes's son (I hesitiate to refer to him as this because he has always and will always be our dgs and spends much of his time with us). The xdil has since left dh#2 and 2 more dc. The only good thing I can say about xdil is that she has never contacted the dc again.

[Retired]

I would never leave my children.

 

I have a older cousin who was married with 2 children and just up and left.

The kids are now adults. They are both such a mess. Their father became a Christian a couple years after she left. He took them to church, never remarried, really tried to show them the Christian way.

 

These adults are still so bitter and definitely are not in the mainstream.

 

She did try to have a relationship with them but they have never forgave her.

She is still with the man some 20 years later. I can see the regret and sadness of her life as a 58 yo. She totally left her kids for this man.

 

I just could n ever imagine doing anything t his selfish. I feel bad taking a day to myself:001_smile:

[swellmomma]

If their lives depended on it I would, but the chances of that is slim. I am thinking like in times of war etc where it is better to put them on a plane/train to send them away without me than risk their lives in the situation. The chance of that is next to zero so it won't be an issue I will have to face.

[Lovedtodeath]

I know two people who have done this. One had stopped taking their medication for bi-polar and the other was dx'd with it after the fact. Thay both regretted it. One is with family again. The other got back with her DH and then he ended up leaving a couple of years later.

 

I was on a natural medication similar to steroid and ended up with symptoms of bi-polar as a side effect. I planned to leave DH... I did not have kids yet. I had packed all of my stuff up and confessed to him before I left.

[Alicia64]

In the book, Loving Frank, the true story of how Frank and the woman (forget her name at the moment) both left their children/spouses to be together.

 

The book was written in a way that it was "understandable", but as well written and interesting as it was, I kept thinking, "why would this woman leave her babies for this man who was brilliant but a pain in the ***." And they were babies.

 

And at some points, the two weren't even on the same continent. She went off to find herself.

 

Really sad. And really sad ending.

 

Alicia

[Peela]

I haven't read all the responses.

For myself, I would say no, I cant imagine it. But I do think sometimes a woman, a mother, is just in a situation that makes her do that. I have a friend whose mother left him when he was a baby- his dad brought him up. His mother still wants nothing to do with him- he is a married young man expecting his first baby now. I sometimes wonder how his mother could do that...but the truth is, I am not in her shoes, and life provides such an array of life situations I can't see the point in judging someone for doing that, either, even though its just so hard to understand as a mother who wants to be with her children so much. It happens, mothers leave their children. They just werent ready to be mothers, one way or another. It is rather an all consuming thing, to be a mother, and plenty of mothers are fairly absent emotionally, even physically, even though they techically live with their offspring.

[Trivium Academy]

The only way *I* would leave my children is if it was in their best interest. It would probably have to be a life/death situation.

[Jenny in Florida]

I might leave them if I thought they were better off without me than with me. But I can't imagine a scenario where that would be true.

 

Ditto. To both points.

[Karen sn]

I am desperately trying to understand something, and I'm finding it impossible. I'll explain further once I get some answers (don't want people commenting on the situation; I'm sincerely looking for whether or not you can envision any possible circumstance under which you would leave your dh and children and go off to start a new life).

 

Anyone???

 

Some days I imagine this.

I just walk away and literally keep walking.

No car - just my feet.

 

But it's not my kids I am leaving, it is the whole d@m* world.

 

I think I could not leave them EVER because I do not feel that anyone else is going to raise them according to my standard. Thus I stay and have the little fantasy when I need to get through the chaos of this awful depressing life.

[Karen sn]

Well, it appears we're all on the same page.

 

In October, my sister called to tell me she was getting a divorce. She said that they agreed they wanted to "divorce well." There was a house across the street for sale; bil would buy it so he'd be nearby, and everyone would be happy and well-adjusted and fine.

 

Once she announced her divorce, her "relationship" with an online "friend" changed from friendship to, uh, more. Although they had never met irl, they *knew* this was meant to be. So even though she was still living with bil, hadn't even separated -- hadn't even begun sleeping in separate beds -- she changed the plans from bil moving in across the street to her and the kids moving to Canada. So much for "divorcing well." Great.

 

Mr. Canada, who works with special needs kids, decides he's been there done that and doesn't want little kids. At the same time, my bil told her there's no way he'd agree to her taking the kids to Canada. Her and Mr. Canada break up, and she cancels a trip she had planned to meet him. Great.

 

Suddenly, she has a change of heart and says the kids will spend a few months here, and a few months there. Mr. Canada says no way; bil says no way. She plans another visit to Canada. Leaving the day after Christmas. Great.

 

For some reason, the 2nd trip gets cancelled. For some reason, they make up and agree to her visiting in January. Third time's a charm, I guess, because she went. Was supposed to be there for 10 days, lost her passport (yeah, right), and ended up staying for 2 weeks. Great.

 

She came home and announced that she'd be moving to Canada without the kids. Says this is her last chance for happiness and for her to finally live the life she wants. Great.

 

I now have 2 broken hearted, special needs kids (hers) not to mention my own 3 who are having a real hard time with this. She is refusing to speak to me, my mother, my dh, everyone. Great.

 

She's leaving on Saturday, Valentine's Day. Great. Hope she's happy.

 

She is obviously insane.

This I say nonjudgementally as I consider myself to be a little chemically off.

 

But the fact that she isn't talking to people about it........that she is rushing into this and even abandoning her marriage and kids for an ONLINE fantasy that she took a whole 2 weeks to get to know.....

 

You say the kids are special need.

How so? (If that's not too personal).

Because I often wonder what happens to a person when they are mentally and physically exhausted due to caring for others. I mean, can she have worked so hard all these years to be such a great and loving mother and wife that now her mind is shot? Can you worry and stress and work so hard that you deplete your sanity?

 

That's how I feel right now. My horse being killed at my 7 months pregnant - then our unfair eviction and my baby being 4 weeks old - homeless for 3 months..... It has literally made me feel that I will never be happy again. I now know that you can not trust anyone. I have no hope. I'm not mean and nasty now - but I used to be the happiest person I knew. I was hopeful and thankful. But once that horse died, I started losing it. That was just the straw that broke the camel's back. And it's been breaking down ever since.

 

I love my kids.

I would never leave them because as sad or insane or whatever it is that I am - I know that no one is EVER going to love them as much as I do. No one is going to school them as I do. And I would just die if some one else came along and raised them in the religion that I was raised! So - I love my kids and I KNOW that I am a really good parent and I *enjoy* them.

 

Maybe your sister was beginning to resent them - to want to hurt them even.

Remember that chick who had her kids in the car and she put it in drive and watched as it went into a lake because she wanted some stupid man who did not want kids. Think, my dear, that it could be worse and she is doing a far better thing to run away.

 

I think she will regret it later. I think this man will probably get sick of her and she will eventually be alone. But her kids are alive.

 

I really feel for your bil. How awful to know your wife left you and your kids for someone she didn't even meet yet! Did you say how old the kids are? Are you close enough (in location) to them to help out regularly?

Edited February 12, 2009 by Karen sn

[katemary63]

Some days I imagine this.

I just walk away and literally keep walking.

No car - just my feet.

 

But it's not my kids I am leaving, it is the whole d@m* world.

 

I think I could not leave them EVER because I do not feel that anyone else is going to raise them according to my standard. Thus I stay and have the little fantasy when I need to get through the chaos of this awful depressing life.

 

You know, there is an inner joy that is for the taking, offered to you by Christ. It does not depend on circumstances, it passes all understanding. It's FREE!

[*********]

Didn't read all the responses, but I'm betting others have said...

 

There is no way, at all, that I would leave my children.

 

My mother did, however. She and my father divorced when I was four. My father got custody of me and my two sisters (we were ages 1, 4, and 5). This was, um, 27 years ago. He had to hire a private investigator in order to prove to the court how unfit my mother was. She still, however, had visitation.

 

She stopped coming to get us when I was 8. No call, no explanation, just stopped. I remember her, a little. She had a sad, chaotic, depressing life. Drugs, men, who knows what else.

 

No matter what her reasons for abandoning us, I still, to this day, do not understand. And, having my own precious children has just proven to make it even more impossible for me to understand.

 

I tracked her down when I was 18. She still lived in the same town. Literally maybe a 15 minute drive from the house we lived in; the house her and my dad lived in, which we had never moved from. She didn't even recognize me when I introduced myself to her. I said, 'Hi, I'm Bethany'. She said, 'Bethany who?'.

 

I will never, ever understand how a mother can abandon her children.

[Quiver0f10]

No way no how could I leave my kids.

[Macrina]

You know, there is an inner joy that is for the taking, offered to you by Christ. It does not depend on circumstances, it passes all understanding. It's FREE!

 

Some days I imagine this.

I just walk away and literally keep walking.

No car - just my feet.

 

But it's not my kids I am leaving, it is the whole d@m* world.

 

I think I could not leave them EVER because I do not feel that anyone else is going to raise them according to my standard. Thus I stay and have the little fantasy when I need to get through the chaos of this awful depressing life.

 

I already have the "inner joy" offered by Christ, but I still imagine that life would be easier on my own some days. That's not something a relationship with Christ spares you from. That's just life because we are human. And honestly, that's reality. Life WOULD be easier on our own. But to stay on topic that's the point, actually leaving to be by yourself because things are hard is selfish. There is a big difference between imagining and acting on it.

[Tess in the Burbs]

my own mom would have said never....but when she finally had enough and decided to leave my dad she did so without my sister and myself. She finally went b/c she had to do something for her to help us. I eventually went with her but she spent a good month alone not knowing if we would join her or not.

 

so right now I would say no, I would not leave my husband or children for a new life. but who knows what brings women to do that....

[Tonia]

Yes, my birth mother did this. She abandoned my two brothers and I (ages 4, 6, 7) for a guy who said he didn't want another man's children. Having a child of my own now I just can't fathom how someone could do that.

[lionfamily1999]

I already have the "inner joy" offered by Christ, but I still imagine that life would be easier on my own some days. That's not something a relationship with Christ spares you from. That's just life because we are human. And honestly, that's reality. Life WOULD be easier on our own. But to stay on topic that's the point, actually leaving to be by yourself because things are hard is selfish. There is a big difference between imagining and acting on it.

I completely understand and I do the same thing. Sometimes, I wonder 'what's the worse that would happen' if I just put on my shoes, walked out the door and never turned around. I've even looked into the peace corps/missionary works, lol, as ways to justify a month to a year all by myself. When it comes down to actually DOING it... I couldn't, but hey, I can daydream.

 

I could leave, if I really truly believed my family would be better off without me.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:Me.no way.

 

I'm so sorry for your family, your sister sounds like she isn't dealing with reality. Has she always behaved like this or could she be mentally ill or on some sort of chemicals? (Drugs, alcohol or mental illness or some depressions can truly distort a persons judgment.) If she has always been completely self centered, it may just be her choice.

 

Hugs and prayers that she gets some help and realizes what she is doing.

 

 

Well, it appears we're all on the same page.

 

In October, my sister called to tell me she was getting a divorce. She said that they agreed they wanted to "divorce well." There was a house across the street for sale; bil would buy it so he'd be nearby, and everyone would be happy and well-adjusted and fine.

 

Once she announced her divorce, her "relationship" with an online "friend" changed from friendship to, uh, more. Although they had never met irl, they *knew* this was meant to be. So even though she was still living with bil, hadn't even separated -- hadn't even begun sleeping in separate beds -- she changed the plans from bil moving in across the street to her and the kids moving to Canada. So much for "divorcing well." Great.

 

Mr. Canada, who works with special needs kids, decides he's been there done that and doesn't want little kids. At the same time, my bil told her there's no way he'd agree to her taking the kids to Canada. Her and Mr. Canada break up, and she cancels a trip she had planned to meet him. Great.

 

Suddenly, she has a change of heart and says the kids will spend a few months here, and a few months there. Mr. Canada says no way; bil says no way. She plans another visit to Canada. Leaving the day after Christmas. Great.

 

For some reason, the 2nd trip gets cancelled. For some reason, they make up and agree to her visiting in January. Third time's a charm, I guess, because she went. Was supposed to be there for 10 days, lost her passport (yeah, right), and ended up staying for 2 weeks. Great.

 

She came home and announced that she'd be moving to Canada without the kids. Says this is her last chance for happiness and for her to finally live the life she wants. Great.

 

I now have 2 broken hearted, special needs kids (hers) not to mention my own 3 who are having a real hard time with this. She is refusing to speak to me, my mother, my dh, everyone. Great.

 

She's leaving on Saturday, Valentine's Day. Great. Hope she's happy.

[Saille]

In the book, Loving Frank, the true story of how Frank and the woman (forget her name at the moment) both left their children/spouses to be together.

 

The book was written in a way that it was "understandable", but as well written and interesting as it was, I kept thinking, "why would this woman leave her babies for this man who was brilliant but a pain in the ***." And they were babies.

 

And at some points, the two weren't even on the same continent. She went off to find herself.

 

Really sad. And really sad ending.

 

Alicia

 

I had a hard time reading that book, for much the same reason. It was the kind of situation that seemed like it was going to be a mess no matter what she did, but it still bothered me.

 

Of course I can conceive of situations in which I might have to leave my children. I can also conceive of situations in which I might believe it was the only course of action available, but would be wrong.

 

I agree about being open with each other about depression, and feelings of isolation. We need our friends to tell us when the critical voice in our head is unjust and harsh, and to put things in perspective for us.

 

I also think it's very important for mamas to have some mental head space and time away; it's the healthiest thing for mama, and the healthiest thing for the family as a unit.

 

Although I agree that our children come first, I think using that as a mantra can sometimes convince mamas that they aren't *allowed* to have needs, or are supposed to always overcome them. It's important to keep a family in balance, and that can't happen if one person is a constant martyr and becomes exhausted/feels trapped.

 

DB, I'm really sorry for the grief and stress your family is experiencing.

[Lovedtodeath]

You know, there is an inner joy that is for the taking, offered to you by Christ. It does not depend on circumstances, it passes all understanding. It's FREE!

There is something about having that hope set before you that does make it easier to endure.

Romans 12:12 Heb 12:2

But, Christians commit suicide too.

 

And I am pretty sure that Karen is familiar with this reasoning and it's about the last thing that she wants to hear.

Edited February 12, 2009 by Lovedtodeath

[Amber in SJ]

It doesn't seem comprehendable to me now, but there was a time when I was planning to do this very thing.

 

After the birth of my fourth baby I was so far in post-partum depression that I was afraid I'd hurt the baby. I had nightmares about hurting the baby. I was afraid to sleep because I thought that I would hurt him in my sleep if I ever relaxed my vigilance. I was afraid to tell anyone because I knew how harshly I'd be judged. So I started to plan. I chose Barcelona, Spain. I bought guide books, planned out when was the best time to go. I got my passport. I did everything I could except book a flight & make reservations, because I knew I wouldn't be able to hide it if I did that. This went on for about 8 months. During that time, I homeschooled my big kids, nursed and cared for my baby, cleaned my house and went on as usual. Every morning I would wake up thinking "I can only do this one more day." I took my vitamins & tried every natural cure for post-partum depression I could. I knew I was depressed, but knowing didn't take it away. I would sit in Sunday School or at a restaurant with my arms wrapped tightly around my body because I thought I could feel myself shattering into tiny pieces. Ladies at church would ask me how I was doing and I wold say, "Fine." Eventually things got better.

 

I do not consider myself a fragile person. I have no other history of depression or mental illness. I am one of those solid, boring people that others turn to in a crisis because I am calm. I am also a happy person. I have a lovely husband and great children. People would have said I was crazy and selfish for leaving them. That time in my life seems like a horrible dream that I observed happening to another person. There are some silver linings to that awful time. My husband and I learned so much about each other. I learned just how much he loves me, even when I was broken.

 

I guess the point in sharing all of this is that while we all agree that no woman in her right mind leaves her children, you can't always tell who is in their right mind, because depression doesn't only strike "sad" people and people who are depressed don't always act sad & weepy.

 

Amber in SJ

[Joanne]

Yes. If I were to return to a life of alcoholism and drugs, I hope I would leave my children (I've been sober longer than they've been alive, lest anyone worry ;)).

 

There is something else, however. I'm not sure I can word it correctly. This past year has given me a glimpse, an understanding of how a woman can leave a situation and her kids.

 

The abuse dynamic does not end when the formal, paper relationship ends. When kids (or other family, or even mutual friends) are involved, the power/control/abuse dynamic continues.

 

And it continues in ways where the abused ex spouse/ex SO is often mostly powerless to change it. There are dozens of ways to abuse, manipulate and yield power over a person that is not reportable. Children are used, truly used, as the best means for continuing the abuse.

 

Having spent years in an abusive dynamic, the abused ex spouse is weary, unwell, tired, scared. After many months of continued abuse, compromising the family resources (time, emotional wellness, financial, spiritual), I *understand* the thought that leaving = better.

 

I'm not there. But.I.get.it.

[Lovedtodeath]

Amber, I am always relieved to hear others post-partum stories. How old is the baby now? Do you mind sending a PM with details on how you overcame it?

[DB in NJ]

Thanks for your input, ladies. More background if you're interested:

 

My sister has always just wanted to be a mother, nothing more. She met and married a wonderful man, and they had -- by all accounts -- a really good, solid, mature marriage.

 

Then she couldn't have children. They eventually did have 2 kids, and she was into the whole attachment parenting thing. As with most things my sister has done, she went to the extreme with this. Not saying ap is wrong; I'm saying that there was no balance, no common sense.

 

This was mostly with my niece, who is now 13 and behaves more like a 9-10 year old. My nephew is only 6, but there's been damage done to him too.

 

They have never eaten meat, they do not eat beans or whole grains. They do not eat -- and have never eaten -- vegetables or fruit. They live on goldfish crackers or cheese-its, frozen eggo waffles, vanilla milk, yogurt (go-gurt), and apple juice. My niece will eat pizza -- no sauce; my nephew will not.

 

My sister has homeschooled her kids, as have I, from the beginning. She was very diligent about it at first, but has really slacked off. My niece does all her work on her own, but she's working on a 4th/5th grade level. My sister doesn't look at her work, doesn't check her work, doesn't discuss anything with her. When she's not doing school, my niece sits on the couch and plays with her Rubik's Twist all. day. long.

 

My nephew is very active and has no ability to cope with life when it doesn't go his way. This could be something as small as my son wanting to play in the basement instead of in his room. I did school with him while my sister was in Canada. He has 1st grade books, and this was the first time all year that the books had even been opened. He's very bright, but she has done *nothing* with him all year long.

 

Is she depressed? Most likely. But she isn't looking for help; she just wants to escape. I get that, but when you throw the other guy in there (we call him creep face. Sorry, I know that's small of me, but there it is. I can't bring myself to say his name)...anyhoo..when you throw him into the mix, well things get muddled for me. She is clearly running FROM one thing and running TO another. This solves nothing.

 

She has laid in bed for the last 3 years, having my niece wait on her hand and foot. We have tried to talk to her. We (my mother, me, my bil, her mil) have all tried to help her in any way we can. She wants nothing to do with any of it. She just wants out.

 

BTW, there is no abuse going on whatsoever. If anyone has been abusive, it's been HER. She literally screams at the top of her lungs at any of us when we dare question or challenge her in any way on any front, be it staying in bed (bil) or moving her camp on the beach back because the tide's coming in (me). My ds was worried that her things would get wet, and she wouldn't move. I told him that if Aunt C isn't worried about it, then he needs to just relax. She'll move when she has to. She took that as a challenge, got all defensive, and told me to BACK OFF!!!! Loudly. I mean, she SCREAMED at me on the beach. Yeah, that was fun.

 

In a lot of ways, I believe the kids will be better off without her. She has caused so much damage, and now we will have to help out as much as we can. Fortunately, we live only 15 minutes away. But the hardest thing for them isn't being behind in school, it isn't their lack of nutrition, it isn't their behavioral issues. It's the fact that mommy is living them....for a man; to pursue her own happiness. They don't know about the guy -- yet -- but they won't remain ignorant forever. Some day they'll know the whole story, and my soul, the damage that she will have done. They are hurt now; devastated that mommy is moving so very far away.

 

This hurts my heart more than I can say...

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

[Joanne]

Then she couldn't have children. They eventually did have 2 kids, and she was into the whole attachment parenting thing. As with most things my sister has done, she went to the extreme with this. Not saying ap is wrong; I'm saying that there was no balance, no common sense.

 

If there was no balance or no common sense, it wasn't AP. ;)

 

Just like everyone who uses the term homeschooling isn't actually *homeschooling*.

 

Your sister (and those she attracts) sound terribly ill and dysfunctional. Is addiction a possibility?

[DB in NJ]

If there was no balance or no common sense, it wasn't AP. ;)

 

Just like everyone who uses the term homeschooling isn't actually *homeschooling*.

 

Your sister (and those she attracts) sound terribly ill and dysfunctional. Is addiction a possibility?

 

Is addition a possibility? Yes. But not substance addiction; no drugs or alcohol involved.

 

My guess -- and this is just a theory -- is that it's similar to how Dr. Keith Ablow described octuplet mom: my sister was made fun of a lot when she was a kid. She was overweight and scary smart -- lethal combo at that age. She felt isolated and disconnected even though she was included by those around her (me, my cousin, our friends, and even her own few friends). She always said she just wanted to be a mother. A wife and a mother. When she first got married, she was unable to have children and became desperate. They did the whole fertility treatment thing, spent tens of thousands of dollars, and finally had my niece --ironically conceived during a month with no fertility treatments. Then she had my nephew 7 years later. Then when he wasn't a baby anymore, she started to make "reborn" dolls.

 

I believe -- again, this is my theory -- that she was medicating herself with motherhood. The kids, the AP, the dolls -- it was all an addiction. She was addicted to mothering. She nursed my niece until she was about 7; my nephew quit way before that on his own, not by her choice.

 

So yes, I believe the mothering was an addiction. The children and dolls were her drug. And now the drug has worn off.

 

She has also shown signs of internet addiction. She has spent the majority of the last 3 years in bed on her laptop.

 

*sigh* We have all tried to talk to her about this, but again, to no avail. Her dh tried to get her to see someone about depression. She says no, it doesn't work. Go see someone about your (self-diagnosed) fibro. No, it doesn't work. Go take the kids to someone about the dd's asperger's (again, self-diagnosed). No, I know what to do. Take them to the YMCA, lots of fun stuff there. No, don't like it. blah, blah, blah.

 

It's been an incredible battle...

[Joanne]

Donna,

 

{{Hugs}} on your worry and concern for those kids (first) and your sister (secondary).

 

I'm a huge AP advocate. I nursed my own children a long, long time. But I have to admit that I have seen and observed a higher level of dysfunction in that *community* (not because of AP but the circumstances that drive people to adopt it often create dysfunction. I see the same thing in homeschooling, vegetarianism, etc. Nothing wrong with those choices, but counter cultural choices are magnets for people who come for the wrong reasons).

 

I "get" what you are saying about your sister. I'm sorry you've been so powerless to change it for her and the kids.

 

I'll pray.

[DB in NJ]

Donna,

 

{{Hugs}} on your worry and concern for those kids (first) and your sister (secondary).

 

I'm a huge AP advocate. I nursed my own children a long, long time. But I have to admit that I have seen and observed a higher level of dysfunction in that *community* (not because of AP but the circumstances that drive people to adopt it often create dysfunction. I see the same thing in homeschooling, vegetarianism, etc. Nothing wrong with those choices, but counter cultural choices are magnets for people who come for the wrong reasons).

 

I "get" what you are saying about your sister. I'm sorry you've been so powerless to change it for her and the kids.

 

I'll pray.

 

Yes! Exactly!!

 

Thanks for the hugs and prayers. I really do appreciate it!

[DebonLI]

Only when things are so stressful and all I have energy for is a fantasy. Then I envision myself in a small apartment, meticulously clean, with a pile of books and a beautiful stash of yarn along with uninterrupted, quiet time to enjoy both.

 

Then I get up and carry on cuz it just ain't gonna happen.

 

Debbie

[phathui5]

If I were a secret undercover agent and I had to leave or enemy operatives would kidnap my family and use them against me, sure.

 

Other than that, no.

[StaceyinLA]

I could've said that there was NOTHING that could EVER make me consider leaving them. In fact, the thought of my dying while they were young made me so fearful because I always wondered if they would be able to understand why I was gone and that I didn't do it on purpose.

 

However, I have 4 teens now, and on days like today, I sometimes feel like I could start driving and never turn around.

 

I am sure that makes me sound horrible, but I have just had some rough months. Teens are difficult (for me anyway).

[Lovedtodeath]

Sounds just like my sister. Exactly on all counts! She is bipolar, yes everyone was sick of her. She disowned my family and moved away, taking her kids with her. It is a relief to have her out of our lives, but we all worry about her kids.

Edited February 13, 2009 by Lovedtodeath