Do you have any ideas on how to catch a thief?

[Dooley]

I am at my wits end, our oldest dd has absolutely no problem with taking money from all of us. She is extremely adept at being stealth and finding it wherever you might hide it. We bought a safe, as my dh uses large amounts of cash on the road and she was helping herself to it. It is such a hassle to have to put every penny that any of us have into this safe.

 

Anyway, I just found she took money out of my wallet again (money I was to pay for a party tonight), she shows absolutely no remorse. DH says we need to catch her in the act. I cant think of a way to do it. I think all we can do is hide, hide, hide it.

 

Ideas??

[newlifemom]

Oh my, I really don't have any ideas, well I do but I can't say they are helpful. My first thought is something a bit mideval(too tired to spell) Make spend a day at school with a sandwich board sign saying something to the effect "I steal $ from my family whenever I can" Although she would probably be congratulated for it. While I cannot help I will send you a :grouphug: and hopes/prayer you will come up with something.

[JudoMom]

Why is she stealing? What is she spending it on? That would be a pretty big concern for me.

[SonshineLearner]

You can get a video camera and set it up so she knows that you have money. And then you make sure that the video is running, while you just run upstairs...or whatever. Kinda like a nannycam experience.

 

I'd get ready to go somewhere really fun afterwards. When you get to the spot, get ready to take your money out...it's not there....hmmmm. (She shouldn't have an opportunity to stick it back after she finds out where you're going.) And just head home. Maybe get out the video camera when you get home and start to watch it with your DD. Then ask her what you think you can do to make sure she never does it again.

 

Make her tell you how you should handle it.

 

My daughter did take $$$ from her sisters for a while, but I think it's stopped now. Ten is getting better for us!

 

Carrie:-)

[Liz CA]

Dooley, I was trying to figure out the approximate age. Is this "DD in PS" ?

This would trouble me very much. If my ds (17yo) was stealing from us I would treat this like a "crime". In my humble opinion, this would warrant counseling.

 

I am not sure that catching her in the act would do anything - other than you could force her on the spot to return the stolen money. She would possibly try again. Obviously she knows you are aware she is doing this and has no qualms continuing. There seems to be going on more than stealing. Have you checked her cell phone/e-mail accounts, etc? Could drug use be the reason why she needs money?

 

First, I would get her to a counselor used to dealing with teens.

Second, there would be severe limits on her freedom, i.e talking to friends, going out, participating in extra-curricular activities, etc. until the real reason for this behavior can be discerned and dealt with appropriately.

 

So sorry, you are going through this. :grouphug:

[lionfamily1999]

Start accusing her every time something goes missing. Accuse her in public, accuse her in private. Don't look for things. Need your keys? Yell out, "DD, did you steal my keys?!?!? You'd better bring them back here right NOW!"

 

The sheer mortification should make her choose a better path to individual wealth. You'll also be showing her how other people will start treating her if her sticky fingers continue to be a problem.

 

Shakedowns before she can leave the house and a tossing of her room could help too.

[Nicole M]

Why is she stealing? What is she spending it on? That would be a pretty big concern for me.

 

Me, too. Frankly, it sounds like she may need professional help. This is not normal or harmless behavior. I would take it as a major red flag.

[Audrey]

Me, too. Frankly, it sounds like she may need professional help. This is not normal or harmless behavior. I would take it as a major red flag.

:iagree:

Where and/or to whom is all this money going after she steals it from you? Something is going on there. She cannot steal. If she's doing it to you and gets away with it, she'll consider that she can do it wherever and to whomever. In the real world that equals jail time.

 

Nab her in the act (I like the video suggestion above), confront her and tell her she's going to counseling. I wouldn't even make it an option.

[jamnkats]

I am at my wits end, our oldest dd has absolutely no problem with taking money from all of us. She is extremely adept at being stealth and finding it wherever you might hide it. We bought a safe, as my dh uses large amounts of cash on the road and she was helping herself to it. It is such a hassle to have to put every penny that any of us have into this safe.

 

Anyway, I just found she took money out of my wallet again (money I was to pay for a party tonight), she shows absolutely no remorse. DH says we need to catch her in the act. I cant think of a way to do it. I think all we can do is hide, hide, hide it.

 

Ideas??

 

I really don't see how the shaming ideas you've received are going to cause her to want to change - they will only reinforce the idea that she is "bad".

 

I would find out why she feels the need to steal. Does she need money? Is she unable to earn money? Is she vying for attention? Is she ashamed of what she is spending money on? I would first find the need and then strategise ideas to help her meet that need.

[lionfamily1999]

I really don't see how the shaming ideas you've received are going to cause her to want to change - they will only reinforce the idea that she is "bad".

 

I would find out why she feels the need to steal. Does she need money? Is she unable to earn money? Is she vying for attention? Is she ashamed of what she is spending money on? I would first find the need and then strategise ideas to help her meet that need.

I would say, before overthinking things, that a lesson in consequences is in order. If she is a thief, simply because she can be, then knowing that the end result is a complete loss of trust, as well as becoming the number one suspect anytime something turns up missing, would fix it. The shakedown, room toss work the same way. If I can't trust you, then you lose the privilege of privacy.

[Laurie4b]

You don't need to catch her in the act unless there is some other plausible explanation (like you wonder if it is one of the other kids) . Just go get her help ASAP. This is very serious behavior. The whole hiding thing only helps you keep your money. It doesn't help her stop stealing. I would suspect drugs.

[bettyandbob]

She can't be trusted, so treat her as someone who cannot be trusted. She should not have the privileges that a teenager who has earned trust can have. Privileges like driving, going out socially with friends, internet access, etc.

 

Additionally, find out where the money is going. If you can't find out where it is going, then you must assume the worst, because she cannot be trusted. Assume the worst and act accordingly.

[Remudamom]

You know she's stealing it, why would you worry about catching her in the act? I'd say you have two options. Get her a counselor and find out what in the hell is going on, or toss her ass out in the street.

[RegularMom]

I agree that any sort of shaming tactic will likely only make this problem worse. Counseling sounds like a good idea.

 

Catching her in the act isn't going to change WHY she's doing this. And since you already know it's her, why even bother setting a trap? Instead of saying: "ARE you stealing from me?" I would say: "I know that you are stealing from me. I want to help you stop stealing. Stealing is wrong. I love you. How can I help you? If I can't help you, I want to find someone who can."

 

I've read two things about adolescent stealing in various books over the years:

 

1) Stealing is often an angry act. It's a way for children to express anger they're having trouble expressing in other ways.

 

2) If teens are stealing lots of money, and there aren't any new toys or gadgets or clothes suddenly appearing, it's likely that money is being used to pay for drugs.

 

I don't know if either of these apply to your situation, or none. But I will be thinking of you all and hoping you find a solution.

[Nicole M]

 

I've read two things about adolescent stealing in various books over the years:

 

1) Stealing is often an angry act. It's a way for children to express anger they're having trouble expressing in other ways.

 

 

 

Absolutely agree. This reminds me of a situation at my boarding school, when I was a student. A boy was desperately angry with his parents for sending him there, and wanted out. Bad. He stole money from every boy on his floor, carefully recording how much he took from each kid. Once it started getting noticed, and the boys were gathered together for a "talking to," he turned himself and all the money in. He was desperate, angry and this was how he communicated that. He was immediately expelled. He got what he wanted, and, what he needed, really.

 

My point to the OP is that your child is trying to tell you something. You've had great advice here. I hope you act immediately.

[Danestress]

I really don't see how the shaming ideas you've received are going to cause her to want to change - they will only reinforce the idea that she is "bad".

 

I would find out why she feels the need to steal. Does she need money? Is she unable to earn money? Is she vying for attention? Is she ashamed of what she is spending money on? I would first find the need and then strategise ideas to help her meet that need.

 

In my universe, stealing actually is *bad* and shame is an appropriate response. I wouldn't really care what she wanted to buy. Unless it was food or medicine, it wouldn't matter much to me. She wants stuff she doesn't have, so she steals money that isn't hers. Or she has emotional needs that aren't met and stealing makes her happy. Or all her emotional needs are met, but she has a personality disorder and stealing makes her feel good. Or some combination or variation on all that.

 

Either way, I'd be taking her to counseling and letting her know that I'm not particularly sympathetic to adults who steal. She's a senior in high school and almost an adult. I wouldn't let a stealing friend live with me or a stealing mother in law or a stealing renter, and honestly, once she's 18, I wouldn't let a stealing child live with me. So I would lovingly put her on notice and offer to pay for any counseling or therapy she really thinks might help, but I wouldn't enable the behavior by acting like if I could only meet her "needs" I wouldn't be the victim of theft. And I wouldn't feel like I had to "catch" her. If you are really truly sure it's her and not someone else, I would act with the knowledge you already have.

[Dooley]

So many of the ideas you gals have posted have been tried. She has spend months being grounded, no phone, ipod...for about 7 months last year, she had her room stripped down to a mattress and clothes, I took her to the cops...lots of things. Anger? yes. Drugs? I did find pot in her purse, hence, the cops. She came "this close" to being tossed to the street, as awful as that sounds, I had addresses of shelters that accept teensI do regularly check her purse for "anything". I think she wants money to be able to do stuff with her friends, a burger, a coffee... Yet, she cant seem to find a job. There are a lot of other things going on with her. She is public schooled, I had to get her out of our home school due to behaviour issues.

 

She is angry with me because "I make her so unhappy, I have given her a life of grief..." Gee, if she followed our rules (all the usual ones), she would not be in trouble all the time and her life would be nice... she does not understand this. Today she said she will go get emancipated. I said ok. Get a job to pay for your court costs and do it.

 

Anyway, I am listening. Thank you for your cyber support!

[Nicole M]

Well, with that additional information, it sounds like you're all stuck in a rut, and it looks like nothing you've tried has worked. I'd suggest family counseling, if you haven't already done that.

[Dooley]

Forgot to say, she is 16 (skipped a grade, was a smart kid), graduates this year though. Was in counseling a couple years ago, we had to move 4 months into it, didnt seem to help her - or us - get anywhere. Honestly, this child is just screaming to get into that School of Hard Knocks. I always tell her I want her to have a good life, to not start out with consequences and pain. But she wants the rough life, its HER life, she says. Go, I say, one day you will wake up.

[AuntieM]

and I'm pretty sure you will find this rather harsh, but... if I were in your shoes, I'd take a field trip down to the local jail. I'm not sure which of your daughters you are referring to, but based on your signature line, either of them is certainly old enough for a serious intervention, along the lines of the ghost of Christmas future....

 

I might even call the cops and threaten to file a complaint if it continues. Again, this may seem harsh, but better it happen under your wings than at a future place of employment where they will prosecute. Do either of you know a real police officer who could swing by the house just to make a show of presence?

 

And what is she using the stolen money for, anyway? Does she have an opportunity to earn her own cash so she won't feel the need to steal it?

 

ETA - I read through all the posts, saw the additional details. Still think you should take her to the jail. Aside from the further counseling and "boot camp island," all I can think is to let her go, and pray hard. Be sure she knows that when she is ready to come back, on your terms, the door is open and there will be true forgiveness.

Edited January 29, 2009 by AuntieM

[SonshineLearner]

I know because I was finding out for someone else, that there are places you can actually have your children dropped off at, that they can not get away. They literally are in a boot camp atmosphere, until they submit to authority. The one that I was looking at was a place where they are dropped off on an island. I wouldn't have the $$$ for this right now, so it's a good think that my olders are good...but if it came down to it...I might try something like this. School of Hard Knocks is ok...but sometimes it leaves you unable to come back to where you are a productive member of society....

 

Hugs....

[Macrina]

I stole stuff from my family members when I was teen (15/16) not money so much as stuff. I didn't do anything with it, just hid it from them. I know it sounds weird. I did it for two reasons. One: I was pissed at them (that's another story) and Two: I wanted the attention. I wasn't totally demented or disturbed or screwed up. I turned out OK. I was just one of my teen glitches. I got over it.

[Carol in Cal.]

One is that she is really, really dishonest. That would be very troubling.

 

One is that she is on drugs, maybe even more troubling. Or not. In any case, awful.

 

One is that she really just doesn't see a boundary within the family, that what is yours is hers more or less. Kind of like someone who always takes your blouses, even though you tell her not to. Irritating, but not so much a serious or character issue.

 

I would start by thinking out where you stand on that question--what is she really doing?

[Karen sn]

Well. I *absolutely* would not stand for that.

I took my own dd *directly* to the sheriff's department when she was 8 years old because she had outright stolen one time and then shortly after "borrowed" someting. We left school where the "borrowing" occured and she found her next stop at the sheriff's office.

 

I asked the receptionist for the meanest looking deputy they had and explained the situation to her.

 

We waited for what must have seemed like forever to an 8yo.

Out came TWO very serious looking deputies.

They scared the reality of the law into her.

AND....they also told her that they knew she could go down a better road. She is smart, strong, etc....be good....be smart....make something of your life, etc.....

 

SOOOO.....

If I were you, ONE of about 20 things I would do is take her butt to the local sheriff's department and explain the situation.

Let them talk to her.

 

I'm sorry, but that's just wrong.

I hate thievery.

I hate thieves.

I hate not being able to trust that my stuff is safe.

I don't want to live in a world where I can't place my wallet on the table.

[lionfamily1999]

Someone else did an at home bootcamp with their dd. I can't remember who, but they're on here some where.

 

Also, if she's in PS, then there are FREE resources available to you. Send her to the school counselor, the guidance couselor and the principal. Let them know what is going on and see if you can work with them on a plan to correct her behavior before the end of school.

 

I'm really sorry, it sounds like a crummy situation.

[Karen sn]

Start accusing her every time something goes missing. Accuse her in public, accuse her in private. Don't look for things. Need your keys? Yell out, "DD, did you steal my keys?!?!? You'd better bring them back here right NOW!"

 

The sheer mortification should make her choose a better path to individual wealth. You'll also be showing her how other people will start treating her if her sticky fingers continue to be a problem.

 

Shakedowns before she can leave the house and a tossing of her room could help too.

 

Agree.

[Karen sn]

You can get a video camera and set it up so she knows that you have money. And then you make sure that the video is running, while you just run upstairs...or whatever. Kinda like a nannycam experience.

 

I'd get ready to go somewhere really fun afterwards. When you get to the spot, get ready to take your money out...it's not there....hmmmm. (She shouldn't have an opportunity to stick it back after she finds out where you're going.) And just head home. Maybe get out the video camera when you get home and start to watch it with your DD. Then ask her what you think you can do to make sure she never does it again.

 

Make her tell you how you should handle it.

 

My daughter did take $$$ from her sisters for a while, but I think it's stopped now. Ten is getting better for us!

 

Carrie:-)

 

EXCELLENT idea.

[E_Edgerton]

Have you thought about stealing it back? I am sure she is keeping it in her room...if she doesn't mind stealing from you and invading your privacy (your purse for example) then she shouldn't mind you searching through her purse, drawers, and closets.

[Colleen]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. What is it you hope to accomplish by hiding your money ~ other than keep your own moola, of course.;) No amount of hiding is going to address the heart of the problem. Given her age and attitude, I'd not hide the money. I'd call the police in and have them intervene.

 

Btw, I'm wondering...You say she's 16 and graduating this year. What did you/she plan would happen when she graduates? At that point, will she simply be a non-schooling, non-working member of your household, or...?

[Karen sn]

If I can't trust you, then you lose the privilege of privacy.

 

Yes.

My dd lost so many priviledges when she was thieving!

"Oh....you want to go to (friend's house)? Nope, sorry. I can not trust you and therefore I can not let you go. It is my responsibilty to keep you safe. If you can't follow my rules of XXX, then I think you might not follow the rules of YYY, and that could get you hurt. Not to mention, you will make me look like an awful mother who doesn't do her job if you XXX or YYY. And I ain't havin' that honey!"

 

And I LITERALLY said that for EVERYTHING!

 

At the check out dd is holding a Scooby-Do sticker book. "Wow, that is a nice sticker book. Too bad you stole and I need to use my money to replace it. If I had that money I would buy it for you."

 

Stealing and lying were the 2 that got her in trouble.

And the consequences lasted FOREVER.

 

It's about trust.

If you can't trust your kids - they aren't allowed out of sight.

Anything could happen to them because they are not trustworthy.

 

My own dd is now 11.

I trust her.

She VALUES that trust.

 

I believe that far too often in our society kids are allowed to whatever they want with no consequences. I am not a freak. So what if she whispers a little before falling asleep when her friend that she hasn't seen in months is finally here in her new house. So what?! A few minutes after lights out....big deal. But I ABSOLUTELY draw the line at stealing and lying. These two things bring out the wrath!

[NorthwestMom]

I think the solutions that only deal in embarrassment and shame will not cure the root of the problem. I agree with counseling (at least for both parents if she will not go) and I'd file a police report every time money goes missing from here on out. She is old enough to know there are consequences to her actions and feel them if necessary.

 

Is the organization Tough Love still around? They helped my aunt quite a bit when my cousin was struggling 20 years ago.

 

Good luck to all of you.

[lionfamily1999]

It's not that I want to be the biggest meanest mom in the world. It's because actions have consequences and one of the consequences of decietful/low behavior, like stealing, is that people learn to NOT trust you. You lose the privileges of freedom and privacy. Another of those consequences should be shame. Because it is SHAMEFUL to steal, SHAMEFUL to lie. She should be ashamed of herself. ITRW, people are not going to worry that they might damage her psychi by calling her out. People are not going to care that they're giving her a complex by accusing her publicly.

 

And, sometimes, kids steal just because they can.

[lionfamily1999]

I think the solutions that only deal in embarrassment and shame will not cure the root of the problem. I agree with counseling (at least for both parents if she will not go) and I'd file a police report every time money goes missing from here on out. She is old enough to know there are consequences to her actions and feel them if necessary.

 

Is the organization Tough Love still around? They helped my aunt quite a bit when my cousin was struggling 20 years ago.

 

Good luck to all of you.

I don't understand. You don't believe she should be shamed into better behavior, but you would start building an elaborate rap sheet for her at the local PD?

[NorthwestMom]

I think ONLY shaming her will not cure it. I suspect it will just make her angrier and sneakier.

[NorthwestMom]

And I would consider counseling as my primary suggestion, not the police record - but the natural consequences of stealing when you are 16 is police intervention, not standing in the town square in the stocks.

[hsmom]

Well if I was in your shoes I would take very serious measures now. I used to be this girl. I stole from my parent, stores, anything. It was not for the actual items or money either. I just did it. I look back now and there was no reasons for it, well not any good ones. Well my mom finally had to do the tough love with me. I hated her for it. She had me arrested right from my house, in front of my younger siblings, family, neighbors everyone. There were no tears from everyone they were relieved. I spent 3 days in jail and the courts sent me to a treatment center for troubled teens. I spent a year there. By the end of all of this I did not hate my parents I was thankful to them. It woke me up. Spending that time in jail was horrible. I could not even go to the bathroom without someone watching me, it was just really scary.

 

So, my advice is you need to take control of her now. If you do not things will just get worse for her. If she is doing this to your family, there is not telling what she is doing when you are not around.

[Aggie]

Yes.

My dd lost so many priviledges when she was thieving!

"Oh....you want to go to (friend's house)? Nope, sorry. I can not trust you and therefore I can not let you go. It is my responsibilty to keep you safe. If you can't follow my rules of XXX, then I think you might not follow the rules of YYY, and that could get you hurt. Not to mention, you will make me look like an awful mother who doesn't do her job if you XXX or YYY. And I ain't havin' that honey!"

 

And I LITERALLY said that for EVERYTHING!

 

At the check out dd is holding a Scooby-Do sticker book. "Wow, that is a nice sticker book. Too bad you stole and I need to use my money to replace it. If I had that money I would buy it for you."

 

Stealing and lying were the 2 that got her in trouble.

And the consequences lasted FOREVER.

 

It's about trust.

If you can't trust your kids - they aren't allowed out of sight.

Anything could happen to them because they are not trustworthy.

 

My own dd is now 11.

I trust her.

She VALUES that trust.

 

I believe that far too often in our society kids are allowed to whatever they want with no consequences. I am not a freak. So what if she whispers a little before falling asleep when her friend that she hasn't seen in months is finally here in her new house. So what?! A few minutes after lights out....big deal. But I ABSOLUTELY draw the line at stealing and lying. These two things bring out the wrath!

 

Great post, Karen.

 

Dooley....Our kids aren't 16 yet, and I don't have much confidence in most counselors, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt.

 

I really agree with Karen on "if I can't trust you, then nothing happens." What I would think of doing (keeping in mind my oldest is only 13!) would be to put everything on hold for a while. I think I would take her out of school, clean her room of everything again, and make her sit with us, or in her room, all day, every day. No responsibilities, and no privileges. This could take a long time, but as a pp said, it's a heart matter. She would earn back privileges slowly at first with attitude, then later with responsibilities. She wouldn't graduate with her class, but I think that can be shelved a while, considering her age.

 

Also, do you think she may have a mental illness? I don't know much about them, but I'm thinking something along the lines of depression or bi-polar?

 

How are your other dc doing? Do any show signs of no remorse when they do something wrong?

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Edited January 29, 2009 by Aggie

[Ria]

Your child obviously has an extremely serious problem. Hiding your money or setting up a video camera to catch her in the act will not solve the problem. You might catch her, but that's not going to change whatever is causing her to steal and have such an attitude.

 

As others have said, she needs help, and a lot of it. I'd start with your family doc. Your dd is 16, which means you can still act as a parent (once the kids turn 18 things change). Make an appt. to see her doctor - and go alone. Tell him what's going on, and that drugs have been an issue in the past. Set up a drug test. Do NOT tell dd that you have done this; just make an appt and announce 10 minutes before the time to leave that, "Oh, by the way, you have a dr's appt." If you tell her ahead of time, she might avoid drugs in the days leading up to the test. In this case you really need to catch her off guard.

 

How committed are you to helping this child? Are you willing to spend whatever it might take to help her? Or are you just waiting for her to leave? I'm sorry if these sound like harsh questions, but what you do from here on out depends on their answers. If money is not an object, I'd suggest a residential treatment facility if drugs are found in the test. If no drugs are found, I'd still look into some type of program...even if it's just a 2-week stay somewhere ...for intensive counselling. I'd also do family therapy.

 

From you post it sounds as though your relationship with your child is, at least right now, an antagonistic one. If you really want to help her, you are going to have to love her through this, and do whatever it takes to help her. It's not going to be easy, and it might be expensive. If you don't help her, there's no telling what will happen to her when she's on her own. She's just a child. Sixteen is still a child in so many ways.

 

I'll pray for you and your family.

 

Ria

[lionfamily1999]

And I would consider counseling as my primary suggestion, not the police record - but the natural consequences of stealing when you are 16 is police intervention, not standing in the town square in the stocks.

Ah, if only I had stocks...

 

I would try to fix the problem myself before I relied on the police. It's not as though she'll turn 18 and they will forget the multitude of times they had to deal with her. It will be especially bad if her parents are the ones calling.

[swellmomma]

I have been facing this for years with ds. He is currently 10 and along with stealing my money, steals food daily, has shoplifted etc. I have tried every punishment in the book, made him repay what he took plus the same amount in restitution, made him miss out on extras like canteen fund at camp, taken him to the police, etc. In the end in our situation it is tied into his other issues, the least of which is that he has virtually ZERO impulse control. In my case, he steals the money and runs away and spends it at the store. I have dragged him to the store and let them know he is using stolen money to buy things there but they don't care, to them he is just a customer.

 

I basically try my best not to have money in the house at all, I use my bank card for everything and rarely carry cash. If I have to have it out for a specific reason, I leave it with grandma until I need it to avoid sticky fingers. He knows it is wrong, and is remorseful after, but in the moment he does not have that little voice in his head that says "don't touch that", he wants it or wants to buy something he takes it. I have had him in therapy for years and the shoplifting has stopped, but still no solution to the money issue, or the food issue. In my case it is not about drugs etc, so I can't help you there. Just sharing that you are not the only one dealing with this sort of thing.

[Harriet Vane]

Your child obviously has an extremely serious problem. Hiding your money or setting up a video camera to catch her in the act will not solve the problem. You might catch her, but that's not going to change whatever is causing her to steal and have such an attitude.

 

As others have said, she needs help, and a lot of it. I'd start with your family doc. Your dd is 16, which means you can still act as a parent (once the kids turn 18 things change). Make an appt. to see her doctor - and go alone. Tell him what's going on, and that drugs have been an issue in the past. Set up a drug test. Do NOT tell dd that you have done this; just make an appt and announce 10 minutes before the time to leave that, "Oh, by the way, you have a dr's appt." If you tell her ahead of time, she might avoid drugs in the days leading up to the test. In this case you really need to catch her off guard.

 

How committed are you to helping this child? Are you willing to spend whatever it might take to help her? Or are you just waiting for her to leave? I'm sorry if these sound like harsh questions, but what you do from here on out depends on their answers. If money is not an object, I'd suggest a residential treatment facility if drugs are found in the test. If no drugs are found, I'd still look into some type of program...even if it's just a 2-week stay somewhere ...for intensive counselling. I'd also do family therapy.

 

From you post it sounds as though your relationship with your child is, at least right now, an antagonistic one. If you really want to help her, you are going to have to love her through this, and do whatever it takes to help her. It's not going to be easy, and it might be expensive. If you don't help her, there's no telling what will happen to her when she's on her own. She's just a child. Sixteen is still a child in so many ways.

 

I'll pray for you and your family.

 

Ria

 

:iagree:

 

The fact that you found pot in her purse and she has a continuing problem are MAJOR red flags. I speak from looooong experience with more than one family member. Please do as Ria has suggested--do a surprise drug test, and do whatever it takes to get professional intervention NOW while she is still a minor.

[JennifersLost]

I think at this point I'd help her move out.

 

In the nicest way possible. You've tried everything else, right?

 

Get her a newspaper, snuggle up on the couch with her with bright pink and red pens and start circling "dream apartments". If they have addresses, go cruise by them and check them out. Heck, just for the fun of it take her to a few open houses and so on.

 

Encourage her to get a job and figure out how to afford all she'll need. Talk about hours, getting two jobs, etc.

 

In other words - turn the whole thing around and approach the situation with joy. Yay - look, my baby is all grown up - this is so exciting!

 

Maybe promise her if she finds a job and an apartment, you'll buy her new curtains, or dishes or something.

 

While she's at home, start assuming she's an adult and treat her like one. Send her to the store to do the grocery shopping. Ask her to plan the meals. Have her get the younger ones ready for their day. Start pretending like she's an adult relative who is staying with you temporarily until she finds a place in town and presume on her as much as you would presume on an adult.

 

Oh, and I'd also start keeping a running tally in a hugely visible place. Tape up a big sheet of paper on the fridge and say, "Sally - I notice you borrowed $20.00 from me. I'm adding that to the amount you owe. The total is "120.00."

 

Just state it and move on with no further discussion.

 

This is harsh, but some kids will not remain kids during their later teen years. They love it when parents buy into it. They love the power it gives them. Or they're simply ready to leave. I say rather than letting it get to the point where you're all furious with each other, support her aspirations instead. If you help her move out and become independent with a loving heart, then she'll be able to turn to you when reality hits home.

 

Just think; a few hundred years ago she would have been expected to be married, pregnant, and running a home by now. Some teens are just ready to be adults.

[Katrina]

I'm not saying it's the wrong thing to do, but here's something to consider. It used to be you could go to the police just to scare some sense into your teen and the police would be happy to help out. However, now the police have to record EVERYTHING and it stays with the child permanetly. My dh was in a recruiting command for two years until recently, and several times a 19-20 yr old wanted to join the military only to find out he had a rap sheet for stealing, drug possession, what have you. When my dh would investigate, it usually ended up that a mom had called the police just intending to scare the kid straight, but the kid now had a record.

 

AGAIN, I'm not saying don't call the police, but just realize that it's not JUST a disiplinarian tool to use. It will follow them when they try to find jobs as an adult.

Edited January 30, 2009 by Katrina

[FO4UR]

Start keeping count of what she owes you, and make her work it off - either at home or McD's. She's 16 - she would not be leaving the house without me unless it was to work or school and if she is getting drug there -those places will be off-limits too.

 

I think this goes far beyond $ into her self-worth and integrity. Whatever the underlying issues are - she still needs to pay the consequences for her actions.

 

Have a frank talk with her about reporting her to the police. Make sure she knows the repurcussions of having theft on her record, and then it's HER decision to make.

[6packofun]

I wonder if someone who steals without remorse will care about being caught on camera... Is she denying it? Does she think her parents really don't know?

 

Hmm. THis is a tough one. I'd be inclined to decide in advance what item(s) and/or privileges will be taken away with the next offense. Then, I'd fold my bills up as usual and rubber band them together with a very visible note explaining that I know how much is in this wad of dough and if any of it is missing when I check, this thing will be taken away and/or this privilege removed until you pay it back or whatever you deem appropriate.

 

Then follow through. And keep doing it over and over until the thief apologizes and tries to change or she loses a whole heck of a lot. It MUST be painful for her and you need to be matter of fact so that she knows that it is just plain wrong, no extra emotion needed to convey it.

[6packofun]

I also want to add that I think the game (to her) of trying not to get caught adds fuel to the fire. So, I would stop almost all discussion, arguing and other catching tactics and just simply dole out consequences. Keep a running tab of how much she takes. Maybe start charging her for things that honest children get to enjoy on a regular basis.

 

"Fire" her from any chores she does (does she do any?) especially if she gets an allowance and make her interview for another chore in the home so that she can see that this will not fly when she's out in the world on her own.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Here is an article you may find helpful. Though some deals with shoplifting and "stealing with agression," it also covers from family stealing. Some of his suggestions are TOUGH, but I really think you'd be doing this young lady (and as a senior, she's almost an adult!) a big disservice if you didn't use all of them.

 

http://www.empoweringparents.com/Shoplifting-Stealing-and-Stealing-with-Aggression.php

 

BTW, on that website, there is also a 3 part discussion on older "kids," the 17-23yos living at home. Some of it covers some scary stuff (sadly, some people have to deal with some tough things with their young adult children), but a lot of it has things you can easily adapt to a more "normal" family also.

Edited January 30, 2009 by 2J5M9K

[elizabeth]

:iagree:

 

The fact that you found pot in her purse and she has a continuing problem are MAJOR red flags. I speak from looooong experience with more than one family member. Please do as Ria has suggested--do a surprise drug test, and do whatever it takes to get professional intervention NOW while she is still a minor.

 

I really appreciate the honesty of others in this thread. Here goes, I was that kid . I have been sober from drugs and alcohol since 1986 and continue to be grateful for my two year sobriety from nicotine as well.Please help this child with medical intervention while you still can. Once she is 18 you have not a chance in Hades of helping her. The pot you found might be the only drug she has used or it might be the tip of the iceberg. If you are not finding new makeup, fragrance or fashions, cd's or music then I remain fairly certain that there is substance abuse. She could be huffing or buying ritalin -who knows? Barring evidence of items being purchased that explain what the money is being spent on ,my addict in recovery/lawyer sixth sense says there is more here than meets the eye.

[Dooley]

I do like the idea of a running tab on the fridge. Heck, I can just take it out of her college fund (its tiny), but seeing it on the fridge is better.

 

Some one asked about remorse and shame. She has no remorse or shame. In her mind, she can turn everything around to blame...me! (You dont give me money, so I have to take it. I dont give her money because a) we dont have it to give, and b) she does nothing to earn it - I dont think failing in school, sleeping and watching TV is enough for an allowance) The fighting is continual! I have to tell her every day to pick up her dirty dishes, to clean up after herself in the bathroom, to throw here trash into the trash can, not on the floor... yes, there are many challenges going on here, too many to go into. The other kids are waiting for her to leave. They all try to love her, but they know she is in trouble. No one else in the family is following her footsteps, we pray for her day and night. She has walked away from Christ. I am sorry, I am just venting - I have been at the place of using tough love for years now, it does not change her. I feel like her leaving would be for the best. Just not at 16 with boys though!!

 

Yes, I will call the sheriffs office to see if an officer can talk to her about stealing, without creating a police record.

 

I appreciate EACH and EVER comment, thank you so much!

[Dooley]

I think that you can only test for pharmaceuticals, not pot or glue. And who would test that, the police department? THere is an over the counter thing for cocaine or something specific like that, its not a test that covers a broad spectrum.