What do you call this?

[Scarlett]

Just now, Heartstrings said:

So…..where do you were lingerie then?   Are we all using a different definition here?  For me, lingerie is only worn around tea brewing.  No going to Walmart or scrubbing toilets or going to bookstores.  Just how does one have a party focused around lingerie and not tea?  

Others have said lingerie….not me.   It can be all sorts of things……I have given stationary, stamps, gift certificates….lotions,,perfumes……just nice things for a bride. Wine is another nice gift…..this bride is under age (under 21) but she will basically be emancipated when she gets married so not sure if wine will or will not be a good idea…

[Heartstrings]

5 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

.this bride is under age (under 21) but she will basically be emancipated when she gets married so not sure if wine will or will not be a good idea…

My understanding is married status has nothing to do with alcohol, I would err on not providing someone under age with alcohol.  
 

 

So a “for the bride, not the house” or “pamper the bride” party?  Interesting.  If I got an invitation phrased that way it would not occur to me that lingerie would be involved at all.  
 

 

 

[Scarlett]

10 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:

My understanding is married status has nothing to do with alcohol, I would err on not providing someone under age with alcohol.  
 

 

So a “for the bride, not the house” or “pamper the bride” party?  Interesting.  If I got an invitation phrased that way it would not occur to me that lingerie would be involved at all.  
 

 

 

I probably won’t give her wine at a shower, but for all practical purposes, an under 21 year old bride is emancipated at marriage. Don’t ask me to quote law or anything, but my experience is that in OK where they once could drink if their parents were present that now transfers to the husband.  I am not saying I agree with this rule/law/tradition…..just that is how it is. 

[Catwoman]

57 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I am always amazed at the differences in social norms.  Also the differences in generations. 

I have heard of personal showers, and they are pretty much the way you described them, Scarlett. 🙂 

Honestly though, I'm pretty shocked at the level of pearl clutching on this thread at the thought of a lingerie shower where the bride-to-be gets some sexy lingerie from friends and relatives.  I'm surprised to see so much prudishness about it. 🤷‍♀️ I mean, obviously no one should force a shower like that on a very conservative bride, but with the right crowd, it can be a lot of fun (and really, no one is sitting around picturing anyone having sex. That would be weird. It's all lighthearted!)

Spoiler alert: Most of those "older" female relatives know as much or more about lingerie than the younger women at lingerie showers, and they probably wouldn't be nearly as shocked and appalled as some of the people posting on this thread. 😉 

[KSera]

59 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Others have said lingerie….not me.   It can be all sorts of things……I have given stationary, stamps, gift certificates….lotions,,perfumes……just nice things for a bride.

There might have been a misunderstanding starting with the first post then because I thought this whole time you were getting at the lingerie shower idea.

37 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

my experience is that in OK where they once could drink if their parents were present that now transfers to the husband

😳😳

[KSera]

2 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

wouldn't be nearly as shocked and appalled as some of the people posting on this thread

I don’t think it’s about being shocked or appalled or any kind of pearl clutching, just that for some people they don’t want anyone other than their spouse involved in that aspect of their life. 

 

[rebcoola]

1 hour ago, Heartstrings said:

My understanding is married status has nothing to do with alcohol, I would err on not providing someone under age with alcohol.  
 

 

So a “for the bride, not the house” or “pamper the bride” party?  Interesting.  If I got an invitation phrased that way it would not occur to me that lingerie would be involved at all.  
 

 

 

Idk about Oklahoma but several states have laws that allow married people to drink with their spouse.  I was allowed in the bar in WI with my husband before my birthday.  

 

[Scarlett]

25 minutes ago, rebcoola said:

Idk about Oklahoma but several states have laws that allow married people to drink with their spouse.  I was allowed in the bar in WI with my husband before my birthday.  

 

Yes it is a weird no man’s land. I remember seeing a sign that said ‘no one under 21 allowed without a parent or spouse. ‘

[Ellie]

7 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Well I always heard them called personal showers. But I guess now they call them bridal showers. 

Well, it was called a bridal shower when I got married 50 years ago, so... 🙂

[Scarlett]

40 minutes ago, KSera said:

I don’t think it’s about being shocked or appalled or any kind of pearl clutching, just that for some people they don’t want anyone other than their spouse involved in that aspect of their life. 

 

And that is fine per individual . This bride was specifically asked if she wanted such  a shower. She said yes… no one is blindsiding her. 

[kirstenhill]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Do you mind saying how old you are?

I'm in my late 40s... I got married in the early 2000s

[Rosie_0801]

1 hour ago, Catwoman said:

Honestly though, I'm pretty shocked at the level of pearl clutching on this thread at the thought of a lingerie shower where the bride-to-be gets some sexy lingerie from friends and relatives.  I'm surprised to see so much prudishness about it.

It's not prudishness on my part. It's introversion and that I had the sort of relatives who would do all they could to humiliate me.

[KidsHappen]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I probably won’t give her wine at a shower, but for all practical purposes, an under 21 year old bride is emancipated at marriage. Don’t ask me to quote law or anything, but my experience is that in OK where they once could drink if their parents were present that now transfers to the husband.  I am not saying I agree with this rule/law/tradition…..just that is how it is. 

My first marriage happened in TX and that was the law there at the time. I could even drink at bars and restaurants as long as I had my marriage certificate with me. Of course, I lived in a dry county so any drinking out of the house involved travel to the college town. 

[DawnM]

Wanna hear something funny?  I had a bridal shower at my parents' church back when I was engaged.  The theme was "kitchen items" and several gave me lovely gifts.   I am very short, so one brought me a step ladder.  (Honestly, that is one of the gifts I really remember because I used it all the time!).  One of my friends lived in the area and didn't get the memo since she wasn't a member of that church, nor did she know anyone there.    She gave me silk/sexy PJs.    To a kitchen party.   

It was hilarious!   

[marbel]

I'm wondering if in my old age I have a different definition of "lingerie" than is common now. I think of it as pretty underwear, loungewear, and sleepwear. Nothing really to do with s*x at all. Even when I was single/not indulging in tEA, I enjoyed wearing pretty things like that. Of course at a bridal shower there is a connotation that the lingerie would be worn to be attractive to the new husband. But even that in itself is not vulgar; what is wrong in wearing something pretty? In these days when most people have indulged in tEA together before getting married, it probably seems anachronistic more than anything. 

Like most other things, some people will like it and some won't. I think anyone who wouldn't like such a shower or gift at a shower shouldn't have it, of course. But it doesn't have to be icky or embarrassing to those who like clothing like that and are happy to receive it as a gift.  And if the other attendees are not out to embarrass the bride.

(Says the woman who now sleeps in plain knit camisoles and men's boxer shorts (so comfy!), and whose only bathrobe/dressing gown is a 20+ year old hair-color-stained flowered polyester number.)

Edited 19 hours ago by marbel

[TechWife]

15 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Ok well no one has come up with the name I have always heard used. 
Other gifts could be perfume, stationary, gift cards … at one of mine I got a big fuzzy blanket… 

I think this sounds lovely. I’ve been to a couple of lingerie showers with tasteful gifts that included gowns, slippers & robes. I think the other gifts you mention are nice gifts for pampering a bride-to-be. I could see adding in some quality nail polish, cosmetics, a lovely hair brush, favorite candy & so on. There are a lot of ways to pamper someone! 

[TechWife]

14 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Well I always heard them called personal showers. But I guess now they call them bridal showers. 

That’s a great name for what you’re describing! 

[Heartstrings]

9 hours ago, Catwoman said:

Spoiler alert: Most of those "older" female relatives know as much or more about lingerie than the younger women at lingerie showers, and they probably wouldn't be nearly as shocked and appalled as some of the people posting on this thread.

I'm sure they do, as I'm sure I know more about it than my young sons.  I still think its weird to think I should give their wives lingerie... to wear in bed...with my son.  I don't want hear details about what my MIL likes in bed nor think about what she might wear.  I know they have been doing that for more years than I've been alive, I'd still rather not dwell on the particulars. 

Boundaries.

 

 

Edited 18 hours ago by Heartstrings

[Catwoman]

7 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

It's not prudishness on my part. It's introversion and that I had the sort of relatives who would do all they could to humiliate me.

That’s totally different, and I don’t think anyone should “surprise“ an obviously unwilling bride-to-be with any kind of shower. It’s awful that your relatives would have wanted to humiliate you!!!

[mmasc]

FWIW, I’ve only been to one lingerie shower (my own) and it was *just* my friends who threw the party. So no moms, MILs, older relatives—just young females giving out racy lingerie lol. 

[teachermom2834]

I do think there is some kind of ironic dynamic that the older relatives in my family that were very traditional and waited for marriage (or at least kept up pretenses of it) had more of a comfort level with the whole notion of a personal shower/ gentle discussion of the changing intimacy of the relationship after marriage than later generations that were more comfortable living together, etc but then acting super uncomfortable with the idea of a personal shower. 
 

My mom’s family was so super conservative and I remember as a teen my mom showing me some nightgowns she had gotten at a shower and being a little shocked by it and I remember the old aunties being comfortable with a little gentle sexy intimation about newly married couples in a way that seemed a bit shocking. I don’t know what I am trying to say other than it was like the old conservative folks that waited and everyone was operating on the understanding that you waited until after marriage and then it was ordained and great fun kind of seemed more comfortable with the whole thing than the later more liberated generations. 
 

I don’t know if I’m making any sense but I know what I  trying to say! lol 

[Heartstrings]

44 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

I do think there is some kind of ironic dynamic that the older relatives in my family that were very traditional and waited for marriage (or at least kept up pretenses of it) had more of a comfort level with the whole notion of a personal shower/ gentle discussion of the changing intimacy of the relationship after marriage than later generations that were more comfortable living together, etc but then acting super uncomfortable with the idea of a personal shower. 
 

My mom’s family was so super conservative and I remember as a teen my mom showing me some nightgowns she had gotten at a shower and being a little shocked by it and I remember the old aunties being comfortable with a little gentle sexy intimation about newly married couples in a way that seemed a bit shocking. I don’t know what I am trying to say other than it was like the old conservative folks that waited and everyone was operating on the understanding that you waited until after marriage and then it was ordained and great fun kind of seemed more comfortable with the whole thing than the later more liberated generations. 
 

I don’t know if I’m making any sense but I know what I  trying to say! lol 

That reminds me a bit about the one room houses people lived in.  I could not brew tea with my children that close at hand, not even a door! But those generations had lots of babies so they managed to brew that tea somehow.  Norms change over time. 

I know I'm very comfortable discussing it with my friends.  I have 0 interest in discussing it with my grown children or with my parents.  

[skimomma]

9 hours ago, rebcoola said:

Idk about Oklahoma but several states have laws that allow married people to drink with their spouse.  I was allowed in the bar in WI with my husband before my birthday.  

 

Yep.  My at-the-time-under-21 dd was a bartender in WI and had to get certified.  So she learned all of the rules about this and sure enough minors that are accompanied by parents, a spouse, or even a fiancé (how do you prove that?) can be served.  All of the staff at the bar she worked at were allowed two free "shift drinks" per shift and when dd was first offered hers, she declined because she was under 21.  Several staff members offered to be her "fiancé" for the night to make it "legal" for her to accept.  When we went to visit her, she could order drinks while out with us.  Meanwhile, in my home state, she was not allowed to even be in line with me at the grocery store if I was buying beer.  Although it is legal in my state for minors to consume alcohol in personal dwelling if accompanied by parents.  Total crapshoot.

But even in WI, I don't think I'd gift alcohol to a minor, regardless of the rules.  

I also feel like there is another name for this type of shower that was popular in the late 1990s when a lot of my friends were getting married.  I cannot think of the name but I swear there is something there.

[Scarlett]

3 hours ago, Heartstrings said:

I'm sure they do, as I'm sure I know more about it than my young sons.  I still think its weird to think I should give their wives lingerie... to wear in bed...with my son.  I don't want hear details about what my MIL likes in bed nor think about what she might wear.  I know they have been doing that for more years than I've been alive, I'd still rather not dwell on the particulars. 

Boundaries.

 

 

Well…. I don’t think I will be buying her anything in the sexy lingerie category.  I have always noticed a relationship propriety at these type parties. 

[Scarlett]

As I was reading this thread just now I got a text from dh’s sister. She found the cutest book holder for a night stand to get for her future niece-in-law. 

[Ginevra]

23 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Well I always heard them called personal showers. But I guess now they call them bridal showers. 

Eww. That sounds like something you use to clean internally, IYKWIM. 
 

I have only heard lingerie showers. I think they are kind of strange. I have only been to one ever and I felt weird about, like, who needs twenty of these?

On a related (but not really) point, when I gave my niece a box-shaped gift for her (regular) bridal shower, I had a note on the outside that said, “For when he’s not around but you want to screw something anyway.” She hesitated, looking at me searchingly, trying to decide if this was the thing to open right then. 
 

It was just a tool kit. 

[Brittany1116]

I am in my 30s and have never been to a "bridal shower" where personal items are given. It's always household items. 

I have been to a bachelorette party weekend at a beach hotel where guests were invited to bring lingerie if desired. I gave a satin robe and body lotion. 

I also threw one sister a "panty party" where it was just sisters and her close friend. No MIL, granny, coworkers, or church ladies. No ranchy gifts, just pretty lingerie. 

I get personalities differ, but I think it's weird to act scandalized at the idea of giving a bride something sexy. We are all adults and we all know what's happening after the wedding (and often it's already happening before), and there doesn't have to be any graphic imagery involved on the part of the guests. 

[WildflowerMom]

I’ve never heard the term ‘personal showers.’  

When my cousin got married when I was 11, she had a “lingerie shower” hosted by my mother at our house so I was there.  I wanted to buy her some lingerie myself.  So my mother took me to the store and let me pick something out.  I chose a bright red EXTREMELY revealing lace teddy.  When she opened that gift, everybody turned and looked at me and died laughing that I chose something like that at 11.  🤷🏻‍♀️. I wasn’t stupid, I knew what it was for, lol.  

Now when I was in my 20’s a family friend had one.  She’d already been married once, they had everything they needed so they had a “risque shower”.  I gave them flavored body lubricants and such.  

I’d also have no problem buying my future daughter in law stuff like that if she ends up with a shower like that.  🤷🏻‍♀️
 

 

[Tree Frog]

22 hours ago, Heartstrings said:

I would only be ok getting gifts like that from peers.  Mom, MIL 🤢, Nanas, Aunties, no, no, no.  

My dad's wife at the time told me he picked out the lingerie for me. I couldn't wear it after that. 🤮

[popmom]

I didn't read all of the replies, but I had a lingerie shower when I got married ages ago. It was hosted by a couple of my bridesmaids. It was a small gathering--just some of my sorority sisters. No "adults". It was actually very tame--no alcohol or sleaziness. It was sweet, and I really appreciated it. 

I think it is entirely appropriate for older adults to be part of it if it is what the bride wants. Some old ladies can be a lot of fun. 😉

[Clemsondana]

I've never heard of personal showers but lingerie showers were common 25 years ago in my circles.  There were other kinds where you got dishes and towels. Lingerie showers were usually small, often the bridesmaids or girls from a small group.  Mine involved mom, MIL, an out of town close family friend who was moms age, and the 3 bridesmaids. As teachermom described, we were mostly religious and the gifts were a mix of sweet gown and robe sets and somewhat spicy chemises.  The brides were usually coming straight from living in a dorm or with roommates and only had pjs that you could wear in public.  Everyone was happy for the couple and not creepy at all, with no intent to embarrass. There was much more of an Enjoy! vibe.   

Edited 3 hours ago by Clemsondana

[rebcoola]

5 hours ago, Brittany1116 said:

I am in my 30s and have never been to a "bridal shower" where personal items are given. It's always household items. 

I have been to a bachelorette party weekend at a beach hotel where guests were invited to bring lingerie if desired. I gave a satin robe and body lotion. 

I also threw one sister a "panty party" where it was just sisters and her close friend. No MIL, granny, coworkers, or church ladies. No ranchy gifts, just pretty lingerie. 

I get personalities differ, but I think it's weird to act scandalized at the idea of giving a bride something sexy. We are all adults and we all know what's happening after the wedding (and often it's already happening before), and there doesn't have to be any graphic imagery involved on the part of the guests. 

I have never been to a bridal shower where they did give household items those are always given as wedding gifts the shower is stuff just for the bride.