My life just changed. What should Mom bring when she moves in?

[Eos]

My sisters went for a trip with our mother and found out she'd fallen and not told us. Her BP was up when her home health PT was there and she had apparently forgotten to take some of her meds. Long story short - my 95 year old mother is going to move across the country and into my house while she waits for an apartment at the local retirement community to open up. It's both relieving and overwhelming but it's the best we can all do.

My sisters will pack up her small house. But what, other than clothing and meds, does she absolutely need to bring now? Will, POLST form, Social Security file, what else?

Please hold us in the light. 

[Laura Corin]

Best wishes to you all.

Has she positively agreed to move into an apartment, rather than staying with you long term?

[Kassia]

Also sending best wishes. That is very kind of you to do this and I'm sure it really is overwhelming when it's happening so fast.  

[Carrie12345]

Can you look into what the retirement community residents generally have/can have? At least for sorting purposes.

I’d highly recommend photos and other sentimental items to help her feel “home” in your home. 

[Ottakee]

Will the apartment be in her home local community or your local community?   Either way, one close to family so that several times a week visits can happen is key.  
 

depending on her room size there she can take furniture.  My mom loved her TV, pictures on the walll, a few favorite throw blankets, etc.

[Katy]

TV, favorite books, framed pictures (or a digital one to replace them), perhaps a bookshelf, end table, and a nice recliner or two, depending on the size of the apartment she could also have a table & chairs or a sofa for guests. Beds are often provided. 

Honestly except for sentimental items, I’d plan on spending $2k & buying new or second hand vs shipping those across the country. 

[Bambam]

For just living in your home, I'd pack like for an extended vacation (clothes, meds, etc) but I would also bring my box of important papers (birth certificate, marriage license, SS card, will, POA, etc). 

If she will be moving to an assisted living home in your area, I'd start work on finding a doctor/dentist/specialists/eye doctor now. Sometimes it takes time to get appointments.  And it is stressful to find good doctors unless you already have a good local source for what doctors to use.  And she might have to change providers for one of her medicare supplement plans - so check with an insurance broker when she moved because you have 30 days (or 60? I'm not sure, but they will know) to switch. When my MIL moved here, her Plan D said she had to pick a new one because they didn't cover this area.  Research whether she needs a new Living Will/POA/DNR/etc in the new state. Plan to get her new picture ID in her new state. 

As for furniture, I'd limit that to basically pictures and books and favorite decor. If finances allow, I'd buy that stuff at your end (we have thrift stores and consignment stores, so it doesn't have to be expensive). If she likes her mattress, I'd bring that too - but often the bedrooms in assisted living places are not big, so check the dimensions. My MIL wanted a twin bed - and it works really well - lots of room so you can move around with a walker, wheelchair, or motorized cart.  Most of the apartments at her independent living place are stuffed to the brim with furniture that the residents can't part with. It makes moving through the rooms (living room, bedroom(s), dining area - tough at best.  Assisted living is even smaller, so you really need to try to limit furniture. I'd probably buy a new TV - only because they are fairly cheap, and sometimes a special type (Roku) might be a better fit for whatever cable setup they have. 


 

[wintermom]

You can 'senior' proof your home, such as removing area rugs that can be tripping hazards, limiting clutter in the hallways and stairs (tripping hazard), adding railings to stairs (entryway of home, etc.), railings to shower/bath, nightlights if she gets up at night to move around, raised toilet seat, walker/wheelchair/cane at the ready in case she needs it while at your place. 

All the best with this! It's going to be challenging for your mom and you all.

[Tree Frog]

1 hour ago, Bambam said:

For just living in your home, I'd pack like for an extended vacation (clothes, meds, etc) but I would also bring my box of important papers (birth certificate, marriage license, SS card, will, POA, etc). 

Agreeing with important papers. When we moved dh's mom to our city, state, she needed to get an ID card for our state. We went round and round with DMV about her name change 65 years prior when she got married. They would only accept her marriage license, which wasn't with her important papers. Dh's birth certificate showing her maiden and married names  and the name of her husband didn't qualify. We did eventually find the certificate in her other things, but it required several trips to the DMV for her when she struggled with walking.

I think part of the problem was that the state wanted her to have the gold star id, which is a verified id for traveling out of the country. If I'd realized that, I would've pushed for a lower level id if it was available.

[Bambam]

Just now, Tree Frog said:

 

I think part of the problem was that the state wanted her to have the gold star id, which is a verified id for traveling out of the country. If I'd realized that, I would've pushed for a lower level id if it was available.

That doesn't seem to be available in our state. They want everyone to have that gold star. 

[Tree Frog]

Just now, Bambam said:

That doesn't seem to be available in our state. They want everyone to have that gold star. 

I wasn't sure if it would be available, but we were at the end of our rope trying to get her an id. Her driver's license from her previous state expired and she needed an id for all the doctor and hospital visits.

[Bambam]

Proving residency to get the State ID (MIL didn't want to drive anymore - thankfully!) was the issue here. 
Independent Living place lease (leases can be used to prove residency) was not written clearly so DMV would not accept it. We had to get IL place to write a certified letter that she lived there at this address. 

Unfortunately, she decided to tell everyone her new address was our address (which, if parent is still going to be driving is a BAD idea because my insurance agent said they would pick that up and add her (91 yo) to my insurance policy - thus increasing our rates significantly) - which again made it difficult to find another document that we could use to establish residency (at the same address).  I really wish now I had told her to stop that nonsense, my address is not her address.  And she did get a little upset when we told her she would no longer be getting the USPS Informed digest because most of that was our mail and none of her business.  Tough. 

 

[wintermom]

Another item to consider is her ongoing health care. Will she need a GP and/or medical specialists near your home (and the future apartment), and is this something that is easy for her to access? This is a nightmare near me. When we were offering to host my mom, we just knew that the waitlist for a GP is months/years. 

[Eos]

35 minutes ago, wintermom said:

Another item to consider is her ongoing health care. Will she need a GP and/or medical specialists near your home (and the future apartment), and is this something that is easy for her to access? This is a nightmare near me. When we were offering to host my mom, we just knew that the waitlist for a GP is months/years. 

This is basically the reason we hadn't done it yet, health care here is very difficult to access. But the retirement community is owned by our local hospital and they have priority access plus a provider goes there twice a week for residents.

3 hours ago, Ottakee said:

home local community or your local community?

My community. She knows many people here and all my friends love her so that will be a blessing.

4 hours ago, Laura Corin said:

Has she positively agreed to move into an apartment, rather than staying with you long term?

Yes, our house is cold and dark and old and she will prefer the nicer retirement spot. The waitlist is a little stressful to think about as there is no time limit guarantee but typically people get in within about 6 months. Having her here rather than me moving to her house will be much better for my mental health - I have my garden and friends and the Park, so can stay sane. Her house is nice and age-friendly but I have no community there.

[Eos]

2 hours ago, Bambam said:

or just living in your home, I'd pack like for an extended vacation (clothes, meds, etc) but I would also bring my box of important papers (birth certificate, marriage license, SS card, will, POA, etc). 

Yes, this will be the first few months, hopefully. Thank you for the suggestion to get appointments now, though.

[Hyacinth]

What’s her current routine? We recently moved my mom into an assisted living room and we found that giving her the things she needed for that routine was key. For example, a recliner with a small table for her coffee, Bible, notebook, and pen. A lap board thingy for writing in the chair. A small bookshelf for the books and photos she likes to have nearby. A Keurig. (She resisted this at first because they have coffee in the dining room, but she found that it was always served warm—not hot—and who wants to get dressed and leave their cozy room first thing in the morning to get that first cup? Then we got a little fridge so she could keep her favorite creamer. I’m not a coffee drinker but this coffee setup significantly increased her quality of life there!)

[ScoutTN]

Praying for you and your mom as you make these changes! 

My mom lives in a AL facility and the in-house heathcare has essentially replaced her PCP.
 

Seconding sentimental and comfort/routine things. And not moving everything! Plants, a keurig, a giant screen clock, and photos/art have been key for my mom. 

[Corraleno]

1 hour ago, Tree Frog said:

I think part of the problem was that the state wanted her to have the gold star id, which is a verified id for traveling out of the country.

Everyone will need to have the "Real ID" type license or ID card in order to fly within the country beginning next year. After May 7, 2025, you will not be able to board a plane in the US, including domestic flights, without either a state issued "Real ID" or a passport.

[Corraleno]

The 2 things that all my elderly relatives most cared about in assisted living were family photos and a good recliner that is easy to recline and easy to get out of. They especially loved having one of those frames that let relatives upload photos remotely, because that way they get to see new photos all the time without needing to use a computer or look at tiny photos on a phone.

[mlktwins]

I know this is a lot. It is good you are staying where you will have support and friends! Even with a wonderful parental relationship, daily caregiving is hard! For your place, definitely the minimum is better. Clothes, meds, medical records (if they aren't accessible online), POA, AMD, Will, etc., hobby stuff if she is into that, a favorite blanket, and a few pictures.

For AL, I can't speak well on that as my dad never went to one (he stayed in his apartment), but it was well worth the money to buy him a motorized recliner that helped lift him out of the chair! Huge help and the caregivers were very appreciative too. 

[dsmith]

We live in an older house, and mil and fil needed a chair lift to handle the stairs. Even with that, mil still fell down a flight of stairs and ended up with a head injury/broken neck. We also have Philips Lifeline although there are 5 of us in the house and she is rarely alone. If she fell at night we would never hear her, so it's necessary. After the fall the hospital realized her doctors were overmedicating her for her age and her GP is now a geriatrician. Just something to keep in mind. 

[Bambam]

If you are going to get new furniture at new location, I'd advise lift chair vs. recliner. 
First - she may not need to lift feature right away, but it will be there should she ever need it.
Plus if you lose power, lift chairs have enough battery to put the chair back to normal while power recliners just leave you stuck in whatever position you were in. 

In our state, I've been told there is some paperwork a doctor has to fill out in order to move into assisted living.  That sounds bogus to me (surely they will just take my money?), but may be worth checking into.  Our AL places here do evaluate the person before they move in so they can charge based on what care they need. More needs = higher price. 

[Ottakee]

50 minutes ago, Bambam said:

If you are going to get new furniture at new location, I'd advise lift chair vs. recliner. 
First - she may not need to lift feature right away, but it will be there should she ever need it.
Plus if you lose power, lift chairs have enough battery to put the chair back to normal while power recliners just leave you stuck in whatever position you were in. 

In our state, I've been told there is some paperwork a doctor has to fill out in order to move into assisted living.  That sounds bogus to me (surely they will just take my money?), but may be worth checking into.  Our AL places here do evaluate the person before they move in so they can charge based on what care they need. More needs = higher price. 

The paperwork just might be to make sure the AL place has all of the current meds and doses, any monitoring needs are known (like blood sugar, blood pressure, etc), and anything else to keep them safe and healthy.

[Bambam]

3 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

The paperwork just might be to make sure the AL place has all of the current meds and doses, any monitoring needs are known (like blood sugar, blood pressure, etc), and anything else to keep them safe and healthy.

Very well could be. However, here is a mid sized town (~80K), it takes a while (1-4 months) to get an intake appointment with a regular PCP. And typically they will not do anything on that first appointment outside of taking your family history. Sick? Go to urgent care or ER.  And we were told the paperwork needs to be signed by a doctor that has actually seen you - within a 30 day period.  I'm guessing they do not trust folks to be honest or forthright with their medical info.  Thankfully MIL wanted to move to Independent Living (and is able to), otherwise, we would have had a delay getting her into AL. 
 

[ScoutTN]

Lift chair - yes! 

[Eos]

19 hours ago, Hyacinth said:

What’s her current routine?

She's not a typical 95 year old! Her daily routine includes gardening and cooking, short walks, sometimes physical therapy, occasional trips to the farmer's market or concerts. She has meds to take, small projects to do with other people like shopping, she reads and reads email.

A lot of her time is spent being frustrated at things she can't do anymore around her house which gives her some anxiety. All summer we've been hearing about her clematis and whether it will live through the heat. Like, every day worrying about the clematis. Getting into her medical portals and arranging rides to providers also takes up her time.

I know the wisdom is that moving old people leads to their decline and disorientation. I will feel bad about this, but I also can't sacrifice myself for potentially the next five years to living away from my family and community. I thought I could, and encouraged her to stay in her sweet little one-floor house but something woke up in me this winter - maybe being done homeschooling? - and realized I was heading for depression and profound loneliness if I moved to her house. 

[Eos]

I will add, I've learned a lot from the Hive here about healthy boundaries and reasonable family responsibilities. 

[DawnM]

BTDT.  I know this is hard.   Dad was still mobile when he arrived, and he brought what he wanted with him.

I am agreeing with the others.....photos, a recliner (I didn't realize until I had already bought it that dad wouldn't use the one that rocked....I didn't think to realize he can't hold on to it in a steady way in order to sit, so that might be something to think about with your mom too....a non-rocking recliner.)

Dad wanted a nightstand next to his chair for his essentials.....a phone (before he couldn't use it anymore as he had dementia), the TV remote, a Bible, a book, I got crossword puzzle books for him, his magnifying glass, his glasses holder, his hearing aid holder, A LAMP, etc...

[mlktwins]

1 hour ago, Eos said:

She's not a typical 95 year old! Her daily routine includes gardening and cooking, short walks, sometimes physical therapy, occasional trips to the farmer's market or concerts. She has meds to take, small projects to do with other people like shopping, she reads and reads email.

Just have in the back of your mind that what she can do now can change very quickly at that age. One fall could drastically change things. Yes, a change in environment could also, but you are doing a wonderful job and making the best decisions you can.

My in-law were 94 and still walking within their house (still kind of early in the pandemic - early 2021). Anyway, one day they were walking and the next day they were not. Literally like a light switch flipped and they were just done. They were gone very quickly after that.

All this to say just be prepared to not be prepared and hang on for the ride :-).

[Laura Corin]

2 hours ago, Eos said:

She's not a typical 95 year old! Her daily routine includes gardening and cooking, short walks, sometimes physical therapy, occasional trips to the farmer's market or concerts. She has meds to take, small projects to do with other people like shopping, she reads and reads email.

A lot of her time is spent being frustrated at things she can't do anymore around her house which gives her some anxiety. All summer we've been hearing about her clematis and whether it will live through the heat. Like, every day worrying about the clematis. Getting into her medical portals and arranging rides to providers also takes up her time.

I know the wisdom is that moving old people leads to their decline and disorientation. I will feel bad about this, but I also can't sacrifice myself for potentially the next five years to living away from my family and community. I thought I could, and encouraged her to stay in her sweet little one-floor house but something woke up in me this winter - maybe being done homeschooling? - and realized I was heading for depression and profound loneliness if I moved to her house. 

That's a really good realisation.  My mother lived to 98 and could have lived longer but for an unusually damaging fall. She had kept active and was physically tough. 

Fwiw my mother's physical and mental situation improved after she moved to us at age 92. We were able to help her get more appropriate medical care, and the reduction in the stress of running her own house allowed her to relax more.

[Laura Corin]

2 hours ago, Eos said:

 

Dp.

Edited July 26 by Laura Corin

[Eos]

On 7/25/2024 at 9:28 AM, wintermom said:

You can 'senior' proof your home, such as removing area rugs that can be tripping hazards, limiting clutter in the hallways and stairs (tripping hazard), adding railings to stairs (entryway of home, etc.), railings to shower/bath, nightlights if she gets up at night to move around, raised toilet seat, walker/wheelchair/cane at the ready in case she needs it while at your place. 

All the best with this! It's going to be challenging for your mom and you all.

We've been doing this. Decluttering and moving ALL the furniture around our small house - it's like that game where you try to get one car out of the grid. Sadly, my hard-won space is the first thing to go so I'm now looking for where my space is. I just need somewhere to put my calendar and things I'm currently working on, not even creative project space.

We are turning our dining room into a small bedroom for her with close access to the bathroom. Dh will build a wall this weekend then we'll paint it bright white or cream as it's currently a dark red and north-facing. Need to find some wall sconces. Need to put a grab bar in the shower and next to the toilet, find and mount cabinet that can be hers, and cut off some sharp trim corners in the bathroom. Deep cleaning everything is very satisfying!

She has a one-way ticket here for September 24th. My oldest sister is bringing her and will stay a week.

On 7/26/2024 at 6:46 AM, DawnM said:

Dad wanted a nightstand next to his chair for his essentials.....a phone (before he couldn't use it anymore as he had dementia), the TV remote, a Bible, a book, I got crossword puzzle books for him, his magnifying glass, his glasses holder, his hearing aid holder, A LAMP, etc...

Thinking of this for next to her bed - she needs her CPAP and hearing aid charger as well. She's never had a twin bed but that's all we have room for so I hope to make it cozy and easy to navigate but also be able to have what she needs and wants nearby.

[DawnM]

5 hours ago, Eos said:

We've been doing this. Decluttering and moving ALL the furniture around our small house - it's like that game where you try to get one car out of the grid. Sadly, my hard-won space is the first thing to go so I'm now looking for where my space is. I just need somewhere to put my calendar and things I'm currently working on, not even creative project space.

We are turning our dining room into a small bedroom for her with close access to the bathroom. Dh will build a wall this weekend then we'll paint it bright white or cream as it's currently a dark red and north-facing. Need to find some wall sconces. Need to put a grab bar in the shower and next to the toilet, find and mount cabinet that can be hers, and cut off some sharp trim corners in the bathroom. Deep cleaning everything is very satisfying!

She has a one-way ticket here for September 24th. My oldest sister is bringing her and will stay a week.

Thinking of this for next to her bed - she needs her CPAP and hearing aid charger as well. She's never had a twin bed but that's all we have room for so I hope to make it cozy and easy to navigate but also be able to have what she needs and wants nearby.

In retrospect, I should have just purchased a larger nightstand, ours was small, but that was partly due to the size of the room and he never complained.   He mostly complained about having to have a bed at the nursing home since he slept in the recliner due to back issues.   But it was mandatory.

One night he came out of the bathroom to find another lady from the facility in his bed sleeping!   She had wandered in because dad kept the door open due to falling and feeling like the staff weren't responsive.   

[MEmama]

I'm not facing the same challenges yet, but you are an absolute amazing daughter @Eos. 
Sending you strength 💕

[wintermom]

8 hours ago, Eos said:

We've been doing this. Decluttering and moving ALL the furniture around our small house - it's like that game where you try to get one car out of the grid. Sadly, my hard-won space is the first thing to go so I'm now looking for where my space is. I just need somewhere to put my calendar and things I'm currently working on, not even creative project space.

We are turning our dining room into a small bedroom for her with close access to the bathroom. Dh will build a wall this weekend then we'll paint it bright white or cream as it's currently a dark red and north-facing. Need to find some wall sconces. Need to put a grab bar in the shower and next to the toilet, find and mount cabinet that can be hers, and cut off some sharp trim corners in the bathroom. Deep cleaning everything is very satisfying!

Bless you for doing this for your mom! I was going through the same planning for my mom when my dad passed away a couple years ago. Mom didn't end up moving in, but I had exactly the same plan with walling in a room - and thus losing space in the common areas of the house. 

I hope the transition goes really well for you all. If no one has hinted yet, she'll drive you crazy - it's what moms do. You can do it, though. 😉  (My dh kept reminding me of the 'driving you crazy' part as a pre-warning.)

[fairfarmhand]

Another thing...you are happily upending your life for your mom. Don't be surprised if she acts cranky and ungrateful about it. It's not about you. It's grief. And it still sucks to be on the receiving end. 

 

[mlktwins]

When you are thinking of the bathroom, also consider installing a raised toilet seat so she doesn't have as far to sit down and stand up.

[Harriet Vane]

We did similarly with my father-in-law during the pandemic. He came to us first as an emergency thing--he needed more care and supervision, but going into a nursing home would have meant first two weeks isolation, then continued isolation from visitors. We didn't want that level of trauma for him, so he came to our home. His dementia moved fast. The first couple months with us, he was fine to be upstairs in the guest room. However, we could see that this was an issue. The room was right next to the stairs, and between his increasing lack of physical coordination and his dementia, it wasn't safe. My sister-in-law gave us respite for just over a month, during which time we walled off a room on the first floor for him. The room was large, so we were able to bring over some of his furniture and decorations, which helped.

Some old-age things that helped a ton:

--Pressure-sensitive floor mat that rang an alarm on my phone. This way we were aware every time he got out of bed.

--Commode and diaper pail. You can get commode-size baggies with absorbent pads to make cleanup quick and easy. This enabled my fil to toilet easily right in his own room. No getting lost wandering the house at night, and it was simpler to not have accidents with the commode so near.

--Camera in his room. We did place a fake tree and furniture in such a way so that his toileting was not on camera. We never told fil that there was a camera in the room. When he asked about the device on the bookshelf I said vaguely that it was wifi for the internet, and he accepted that. Fil was an introvert, and he valued his privacy. He valued being able to go in his own room and shut the door. On the other hand, we valued being able to make sure he was safe. Making sure he hadn't fallen. And at night if he got out of bed, we could check the camera to see if he needed anything. Many times we could just watch on the camera for 5 or 10 minutes until he got back in bed, which was a relief because it was so much easier for me to fall back asleep if I didn't have to get up and run down to help him.

--Alarms on the doors.

--Velcro on the doors. With dementia, it was a surprisingly effective way to keep him from opening the doors. Our doors are white, so the white velcro blended right in.

--Shower chair. So much easier when you don't have to stand.

--Motorized recliner. Best investment ever. My poor fil had terrible pain (it's a feature of Lewy body dementia). We put the chair by the fish tank. He loved sitting and watching the fish, maybe snoozing a little there. He appreciated the motorized lift for getting back up and out of the chair.

[Ottakee]

4 hours ago, Harriet Vane said:

We did similarly with my father-in-law during the pandemic. He came to us first as an emergency thing--he needed more care and supervision, but going into a nursing home would have meant first two weeks isolation, then continued isolation from visitors. We didn't want that level of trauma for him, so he came to our home. His dementia moved fast. The first couple months with us, he was fine to be upstairs in the guest room. However, we could see that this was an issue. The room was right next to the stairs, and between his increasing lack of physical coordination and his dementia, it wasn't safe. My sister-in-law gave us respite for just over a month, during which time we walled off a room on the first floor for him. The room was large, so we were able to bring over some of his furniture and decorations, which helped.

Some old-age things that helped a ton:

--Pressure-sensitive floor mat that rang an alarm on my phone. This way we were aware every time he got out of bed.

--Commode and diaper pail. You can get commode-size baggies with absorbent pads to make cleanup quick and easy. This enabled my fil to toilet easily right in his own room. No getting lost wandering the house at night, and it was simpler to not have accidents with the commode so near.

--Camera in his room. We did place a fake tree and furniture in such a way so that his toileting was not on camera. We never told fil that there was a camera in the room. When he asked about the device on the bookshelf I said vaguely that it was wifi for the internet, and he accepted that. Fil was an introvert, and he valued his privacy. He valued being able to go in his own room and shut the door. On the other hand, we valued being able to make sure he was safe. Making sure he hadn't fallen. And at night if he got out of bed, we could check the camera to see if he needed anything. Many times we could just watch on the camera for 5 or 10 minutes until he got back in bed, which was a relief because it was so much easier for me to fall back asleep if I didn't have to get up and run down to help him.

--Alarms on the doors.

--Velcro on the doors. With dementia, it was a surprisingly effective way to keep him from opening the doors. Our doors are white, so the white velcro blended right in.

--Shower chair. So much easier when you don't have to stand.

--Motorized recliner. Best investment ever. My poor fil had terrible pain (it's a feature of Lewy body dementia). We put the chair by the fish tank. He loved sitting and watching the fish, maybe snoozing a little there. He appreciated the motorized lift for getting back up and out of the chair.

Great ideas.