I thought just maybe she would...but she didn't. (Mom related)

[BakersDozen]

I've not posted much about my mom lately because she's been rather quiet with us, yet there's still junk going on with my siblings and her (and indirectly with me), and I'm honestly just relieved that we're not on the receiving end of her anger and demands right now.

She came over one day when 11 of the 13 were here (and her 2 great-grands), and despite being asked to please stay, she left - said she had phone calls to make. She came over again one night last week to use our phone as she thought she'd left hers at the grocery and wanted to call before driving the 1.2 miles over there. Our poor 11yod called me (at hockey with half the kids) in a panic - "WHY IS OMA HERE???" My mom left to get her phone, came back just as the clan was arriving home - kind of comical as she was standing in the driveway and 3 vehicles pulled up one right after the other. So we're all home and about to start what I call "Fellowship and Feasting Hour" - that time each evening when activities and work and outings are done, everyone is in the kitchen eating anything they can make or find, and for an hour we are together laughing and enjoying each other's company. It's the sweetest time, and often our young adults are there as well. So once again she was invited in and please have a seat, Oma, and told this is what happens for an hour...and she left. She just left - said she had things to do. So she was able to come over to use our phone, but wouldn't stay and visit.

But today... I cannot wrap my brain around today. My younger sister, whom I have not seen since 2018, was coming into town. We've spent most of our adult lives not talking yet have reconnected since my mom moved here. Over the last year we have become very close as she had a major life change and has been purposeful in restoring damaged relationships. This is the sister who is most like my mom, yet unlike my mom she takes ownership for her anger and actions; she says she's wrong and sorry, and she means it.

Two Christmas' ago, she and my mom (and my older sister) had the fight of fights - horrible, dreadful, angry fight that was fully my mom's fault. Since then my sister has been polite yet distant from my mom (and rightly so). So when my sister let me know she was coming into town, I asked her what her plan was as far as letting Mom know. My sister thanked me for not saying anything to our mom, and in her own time and way she did so herself - told our mom about the visit, when she'd be here (only for 24 hours), and that she'd be at our house and Mom was welcome to join us.

Starting at about 5:00 Sunday night and going through almost midnight on Monday, my house has been a place of fellowship. Not only were all of my dc (and grands) here including the young adults, we did Zoom calls with the 3 college kids as well. It was nothing but laughter and food and non-stop talking. Kids of all ages were sitting wherever they could find a seat, running in and out with the youngest additions to the family (my 5-year old thinks it's cool that he is an uncle, lol), and the time was just precious. My sister apologized personally to each of my older dc for her truly horrid behavior toward them years ago, and relationships were both mended and made new.

My mom never came over. She did, however, send my oldest dd a message asking to get together this week somewhere other than my house (dd is staying for 2 nights with us along with her little ones) so that my mom can "have some exclusive time" to get oldest great-grand to get to know my mom. My mom cannot stand it if grand/great-grand babies don't instantly adore her - she gets so offended. So instead of taking up oldest dd's invitation to come over while dd is staying here, my mom will only meet up with her elsewhere so she doesn't have to share the attention with anyone else, including her grandkids. 

My mom has given up seeing two of her own dc, 13 grands, and 2 great grands because she will not come over (unless it's to use our phone).

I know this is once again long, but let me finish with this: Every second of the time my dc are together is precious to me. When the kitchen or living room (or both) are filled with dc ages 5-27, I want time to go slower, and I cherish every laugh and story being told and retold. When my oldest brings her littles over and we watch her siblings - now aunties and uncles - playing so sweetly with their nieces, doting on them and absolutely loving having little ones in the house again, that time is precious. And to have my sister and her husband, once estranged and now returned to fellowship with us, in the home sharing in the family dynamic...well, I didn't look at the clock all day/evening as I didn't want to see time passing.

And my mom sat in her house 2 streets up.

Now that my sister has left and everyone is sleeping in the house, I'm letting myself cry. A lot. Not because my mom is a wonderful person (not) and it just wasn't the same without her, but because she is missing everything despite having every opportunity to not miss anything.

That's all. I just needed to write this out. For those who've followed this mama drama over the last few years, I guess you're not surprised. And I guess I'm not, either.

[Rosie_0801]

Some people make stupid and depressing choices, don't they? ((hugs))

[Melissa in Australia]

Huge hugs

[Kassia]

55 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Some people make stupid and depressing choices, don't they? ((hugs))

This really sums it up.  

Hugs from me too.  And I get it.  My in-laws live ten minutes away and made similar choices.

[El...]

I have no ideas about your mom, though I understand why you are sad! And, I love the way you talk about your home as a place of fellowship. How beautiful. 

[Katy]

She wouldn’t have experienced it the same way you did even if she’d been there. It would have felt to her like an indictment of the people she doesn’t know and where she doesn’t feel valued. Not because of reality, just because of her own flawed and likely subconscious beliefs. She’s not capable of approaching these moments like a healthy person, even if she wanted to. 

Edited September 5, 2023 by Katy

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

9 minutes ago, Katy said:

She wouldn’t have experienced it the same way you did even if she’d been there. It would have felt to her like an indictment of the people she doesn’t know and where she doesn’t feel valued. Not because of reality, just because of her own flawed and likely subconscious beliefs. She’s not capable of approaching these moments like a healthy person, even if she wanted to. 

This.  You’re missing a world where your mom feels the same way towards family and closeness that you do and wants that in her life.

She doesn’t feel that she’s missing it. She isn’t missing it.  It is not something she values or wants.  Now, your mom is wrong for a lot of other things, but I also think it is fair to recognize that not everyone view family closeness the same.  I have two sisters that have no interest in family closeness or togetherness, and I expect that it’s unlikely I will see them again in this lifetime. We chat occasionally but this is how they prefer to live life. I am welcome to travel to them and maybe I will, but they will never make any effort to come visit family.

I have a son who I expect is going to be the same.  He is on the autism spectrum and any sort of family gathering would be a nightmare. I’d love an hour together in the evenings eating and chatting as a family; he would hate it. I don’t know that he’ll be one that would make an effort to see family even two blocks away either.

And again, I know there is a whole history with your mom, but on this one thing, I think she likely doesn’t feel that she’s missing out.

[Kassia]

@Katyand @Mrs Tiggywinkle Again expressed it so well.  I never thought of the situation that way but this is something I need to apply to our history with my in-laws as well.  

[City Mouse]

I know that there are lots of issues with your mom, but I will admit that your descriptions of your large family gatherings sound very overwhelming to me. If I was in a similar setting, I would likely find a book and try to go off on my own, or at least tune out by reading. I can image that many elder people who live alone or in a much smaller family group might feel overwhelmed with such a large gathering. As I have experienced my parents aging, I have notice that their ability to handle large groups and more than one person talking at a time decreases dramatically. 

[maize]

It's mental illness.

It's sad, for everyone. And yes, most for her because she is missing the life and relationship that would be available to her.

I'm sorry, I would cry too over that reality. How wonderful that you have created a home that your own children amd grandchildren enjoy!

[Indigo Blue]

I’m sorry for this, and I know how bad it makes you feel. Keep cherishing those special relationships. 
 

 

[Spryte]

I am so sorry that you’ve faced these continual disappointments from your mom. It’s so painful and hard to have a parent who just doesn’t want a relationship, or at least the kind of meaningful relationship, that you do. Big hugs.

[lauraw4321]

I could easily have written this about my mom (although with our much smaller family). I gave up trying to understand a long time ago and just grieve what hurt. It's a hard road. ::hugs::

[Jaybee]

I'm so sorry that she continues to disappoint you. It has to be hard figuring out how to walk through that. I do think, as @City Mouse said above, that it might also be overwhelming for her (besides just her bad behavior in the past). It has been awhile since I've had a houseful, and it is a big adjustment for me when we have a houseful again, though I love them to pieces and am always glad when they are here. I usually take little breaks to hide out in our bedroom, just to give me a little alone time here and there, but if I am at someone else's house, I can't do that easily. Also, while I love it when we can all be together (and I have about half as many kids as you, though more grandkids at this point), I also really like having time with just one family or person at a time. I can't interact on as personal a level when they are all here, whether it is with grandchildren or an adult child, and besides, we always get interrupted!🤣

[Laura Corin]

3 hours ago, City Mouse said:

I know that there are lots of issues with your mom, but I will admit that your descriptions of your large family gatherings sound very overwhelming to me. If I was in a similar setting, I would likely find a book and try to go off on my own, or at least tune out by reading. I can image that many elder people who live alone or in a much smaller family group might feel overwhelmed with such a large gathering. As I have experienced my parents aging, I have notice that their ability to handle large groups and more than one person talking at a time decreases dramatically. 

I have to agree. The family gatherings described sound lovely for people who like that kind of thing. My equivalent would be four people curled up together on sofas, reading books, listening to jazz and making the odd comment. 

[Indigo Blue]

It’s understandable that large family gatherings could be overwhelming for some. Who knows why Bakersdozen’s mom couldn’t/wouldn’t come, but there is history there with OP’s mom. This is just another hurtful thing to add to many, many others. 
 

 

[YaelAldrich]

Your story resonates with me.

 @BakersDozen, every summer we as a family get together at the Outer Banks. It's a chilled out week where people swim as they like,  go to the beach some,  come up with random, wacky, spontaneous outings. We read a lot in the sun and play card and board games in the evenings.

We've done this with my parents (now just my dad)  for seven years and have always invited my in laws (for a separate time, not together! ) to come to the beach.  This year we asked again. 

My MIL said we never asked them to come (yes we have, every year) and she claimed my FIL doesn't like the beach (we aren't on the beachfront nor do we force people to go to the beach). The reality is she doesn't like when she's not the center of attention, controlling everything that happens. My feeling is that your situation is very similar.

Feeling grief from seeing that she cannot find any happiness (even the introverts understand that some other people will get happiness from the mass o'people) is normal.  You just enjoy your family - you have a blessing right there! 

Edited September 5, 2023 by YaelAldrich
Adding more context

[Grace Hopper]

7 hours ago, City Mouse said:

I know that there are lots of issues with your mom, but I will admit that your descriptions of your large family gatherings sound very overwhelming to me. If I was in a similar setting, I would likely find a book and try to go off on my own, or at least tune out by reading. I can image that many elder people who live alone or in a much smaller family group might feel overwhelmed with such a large gathering. As I have experienced my parents aging, I have notice that their ability to handle large groups and more than one person talking at a time decreases dramatically. 

@BakersDozen your mom has a history of bad behavior. No amount of sympathy you allow yourself to feel for her can change the fact that she’s irrational and makes choices for her own level of participation. Don’t let her choices translate to any guilt or depression on your part, you have too much love and goodness to celebrate with your kids (et al) to lose time fretting over your mom. Pretty sure you’ve already reached a lifetime’s limit on grief wrt her. 
 

That said, I am very much as City Mouse describes above - large group averse. I enjoy my kids and their partners, but often duck out of extended family gatherings. The only way I can handle those are if I actually host, that way I can visit a little but also focus on hostess/cook/cleanup duties. I really don’t mind creating a space for others to gather, but do find lots to do in the kitchen iykwim. If I keep the food and beverages flowing, I’m not missed but not having to be in the middle of things. 

4 hours ago, Laura Corin said:

I have to agree. The family gatherings described sound lovely for people who like that kind of thing. My equivalent would be four people curled up together on sofas, reading books, listening to jazz and making the odd comment. 

I like to get together in small groups. I would rather meet fewer people more often than a big group all at once. I do try to make the effort to plan things. DH love having all our kids together (still a smallish group compared to extended family), but it’s also nice to just have dinner with our young adults singly or as another couple with their partner. The types of conversations differ in different circumstances. Or with elders, it’s definitely easier to converse in a smaller, quieter environment with loss of hearing a consideration. 

And I really hope no one thinks I’m snooty, it’s just really about my personal capacity for socializing. 

10 minutes ago, YaelAldrich said:

Your story resonates with me.

 @BakersDozen, every summer we as a family get together at the Outer Banks. It's a chilled out well where people swim as they like,  go to the beach some,  come up with random, wacky, spontaneous outings. We read a lot in the sun and play card and board games in the evenings.

We've done this with my parents (now just my dad)  for seven years and have always invited my in laws (for a separate time, not together! ) to come to the beach.  This year we asked again. 

My MIL said we never asked them to come (yes we have, every year) and she claimed my FIL doesn't like the beach (we aren't on the beachfront nor do we force people to go to the beach). The reality is she doesn't like when she's not the center of attention, controlling everything that happens. My feeling it is a similar situation. 

Feeling grief from seeing that she cannot find any happiness (even the introverts understand that some other people will get happiness from the mass o'people) is normal.  You just enjoy your family - you have a blessing right there! 

This sounds wonderful - if I had my own room to retreat to I wouldn’t mind a group vacay. 

[YaelAldrich]

15 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

@BakersDozen your mom has a history of bad behavior. No amount of sympathy you allow yourself to feel for her can change the fact that she’s irrational and makes choices for her own level of participation. Don’t let her choices translate to any guilt or depression on your part, you have too much love and goodness to celebrate with your kids (et al) to lose time fretting over your mom. Pretty sure you’ve already reached a lifetime’s limit on grief wrt her. 
 

That said, I am very much as City Mouse describes above - large group averse. I enjoy my kids and their partners, but often duck out of extended family gatherings. The only way I can handle those are if I actually host, that way I can visit a little but also focus on hostess/cook/cleanup duties. I really don’t mind creating a space for others to gather, but do find lots to do in the kitchen iykwim. If I keep the food and beverages flowing, I’m not missed but not having to be in the middle of things. 

I like to get together in small groups. I would rather meet fewer people more often than a big group all at once. I do try to make the effort to plan things. DH love having all our kids together (still a smallish group compared to extended family), but it’s also nice to just have dinner with our young adults singly or as another couple with their partner. The types of conversations differ in different circumstances. Or with elders, it’s definitely easier to converse in a smaller, quieter environment with loss of hearing a consideration. 

And I really hope no one thinks I’m snooty, it’s just really about my personal capacity for socializing. 

This sounds wonderful - if I had my own room to retreat to I wouldn’t mind a group vacay. 

We treat ourselves to each person (not in a couple)  to a room of their own in these kinds of vacations.  Since we have lived in a 3BR all our family's life (with four kids) it was a real treat!  

[BakersDozen]

9 hours ago, City Mouse said:

I know that there are lots of issues with your mom, but I will admit that your descriptions of your large family gatherings sound very overwhelming to me. If I was in a similar setting, I would likely find a book and try to go off on my own, or at least tune out by reading. I can image that many elder people who live alone or in a much smaller family group might feel overwhelmed with such a large gathering. As I have experienced my parents aging, I have notice that their ability to handle large groups and more than one person talking at a time decreases dramatically. 

So I can see this (and what others have expressed), yet my mom has repeatedly stated to me and in front of my dc that she loves the busyness and noise. She grew up with oodles of family around and is never happier than when surrounded by people.

She was invited back again today in a quieter situation as dd and her girls are still here. My mom refused.

If I could chalk this up to the noise and crowd, it would be better. But she continues to extend invitations with wording like "exclusivity" and "private." We've had the loveliest day here and it's actually very quiet: oldest dd was making a shaped cake with the younger ones (who were crazy quiet) while 3 more took turns playing chess at the counter. Right now there is a quiet hum as they're in the living room together. It's not crazy, but it's "we" focused and not "her" focused, so she won't come over.

[BakersDozen]

44 minutes ago, YaelAldrich said:

We treat ourselves to each person (not in a couple)  to a room of their own in these kinds of vacations.  Since we have lived in a 3BR all our family's life (with four kids) it was a real treat!  

We put a small addition on our house off the dining room - it's a lovely room with comfortable rocking chair, TV, window, etc. It's often been used by folks (including myself) who want to escape some of the goings-on and my mom herself has used it. So she knows we've set up our home for accommodating any range of personalities - living room for medium range sound/visiting; kitchen for louder visiting; addition for quiet visiting; outside in screened table area. But it's still not enough for my mom as what she wants is undivided, focus-on-only-her time.

[BakersDozen]

10 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

She doesn’t feel that she’s missing it. She isn’t missing it.  It is not something she values or wants.  Now, your mom is wrong for a lot of other things, but I also think it is fair to recognize that not everyone view family closeness the same.  I have two sisters that have no interest in family closeness or togetherness, and I expect that it’s unlikely I will see them again in this lifetime. We chat occasionally but this is how they prefer to live life. I am welcome to travel to them and maybe I will, but they will never make any effort to come visit family.

I have a son who I expect is going to be the same.  He is on the autism spectrum and any sort of family gathering would be a nightmare. I’d love an hour together in the evenings eating and chatting as a family; he would hate it. I don’t know that he’ll be one that would make an effort to see family even two blocks away either.

And again, I know there is a whole history with your mom, but on this one thing, I think she likely doesn’t feel that she’s missing out.

OK, so I hear you and understand what you are saying, and I agree. Only my mom has already just yesterday and today sent out messages to folks she does not know I am in touch with about how she never has a chance to see us, she never has time with grandkids, etc. These just in the last 24-36 hours. She tells oodles of people from her friends at church to extended family members to my own siblings how she "never" has this or that, she's just so lonely, etc. Yet she will not take any opportunity (save for if she needs something) to come over. Before she moved here she spent literally decades talking about how she wanted to live closer to family and how fun it would be and she'd be over at homes visiting just like she had growing up.

But she won't.

[BakersDozen]

For those who suggested that the environment (people, noise) is too much for my mom. I don't mean to dismiss that reality. I am a homebody. There have been times I've had to go in a bathroom and take deep breaths and "hide" for a bit because while I can handle my own family/dc, I definitely could do without any kind of group gathering. So my response above was not meant to dismiss this very real and valid observation/suggestion.

COVID restrictions nearly made my mom nuts - she cannot stand to not be around people and lots of people. And over the years when she has been here with lots of kids present, she's had a good time. There's something else driving her refusal to come over, and I so wish it could be chalked up to her not liking crowds.

So please forgive me if I came across as dismissive - I read every comment and value the insights and suggestions.

[Jaybee]

3 minutes ago, BakersDozen said:

So please forgive me if I came across as dismissive - I read every comment and value the insights and suggestions.

You don't come across as dismissive to me--just explaining a little more of her personality and the situation. And I hope I didn't come across as dismissive by mentioning the crowd-response bit. I have read enough of your posts about her to know that even if that were part of it, it wouldn't be the whole.

[knitgrl]

@BakersDozen, I sympathize with you. My mother used to live 10 minutes away from us. At the age of 65, she moved an hour away to a city where she doesn't really know anybody (excepting one friend she knew in high school.) And she was going to enjoy all the opportunities that location afforded, which hasn't really panned out. Also, she insisted on buying a house where there is no bathroom on the main floor, which still just boggles my mind. We see her a lot less than we used to, and that is largely her choice.

[wintermom]

I don't know any of the ongoing history between you and your mom, but just in these few brief descriptions you've shared there seems to be a very consistent pattern of behaviour with your mom. This is who she is. She avoids family gatherings and then complains about missing out. That's her choice and you aren't going to change her behaviour.

Were I you, I'd accept it, and simply continue to enjoy your special family moments. What are your actual options, that don't include you getting all upset? Pick her up from her home and forceably bring her over to your home? Force her to tell all her friends that she is the one choosing to not attend? You could devote a lot of time and energy into getting upset with expectations of actions you have no control over, with a woman who is essentially bad-mouthing you to her friends. She might have some great qualities, but being dependable and easy to get along with doesn't sound like they are in her play book. She is playing some other kind of games, that seems obvious. How embroiled are you willing to let yourself become?

 

[BakersDozen]

6 hours ago, wintermom said:

I don't know any of the ongoing history between you and your mom, but just in these few brief descriptions you've shared there seems to be a very consistent pattern of behaviour with your mom. This is who she is. She avoids family gatherings and then complains about missing out. That's her choice and you aren't going to change her behaviour.

Were I you, I'd accept it, and simply continue to enjoy your special family moments. What are your actual options, that don't include you getting all upset? Pick her up from her home and forceably bring her over to your home? Force her to tell all her friends that she is the one choosing to not attend? You could devote a lot of time and energy into getting upset with expectations of actions you have no control over, with a woman who is essentially bad-mouthing you to her friends. She might have some great qualities, but being dependable and easy to get along with doesn't sound like they are in her play book. She is playing some other kind of games, that seems obvious. How embroiled are you willing to let yourself become?

 

There is consistent behavior so I guess I knew what to expect, and I was OK heading into the last couple of days, but now that those days are drawing to a close and my sister has left (oldest dd is still here through tomorrow), it hits me that my mom chose again to not be a part of this. And so I come to the Hive to write it out and not just carry it in my head by myself. I don't say a word to my mom and neither do my dc; we let her do what she's going to do.

I accept it, but I'm still affected by it, I guess.

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, BakersDozen said:

There is consistent behavior so I guess I knew what to expect, and I was OK heading into the last couple of days, but now that those days are drawing to a close and my sister has left (oldest dd is still here through tomorrow), it hits me that my mom chose again to not be a part of this. And so I come to the Hive to write it out and not just carry it in my head by myself. I don't say a word to my mom and neither do my dc; we let her do what she's going to do.

I accept it, but I'm still affected by it, I guess.

I'm sorry you're hurt and am glad you came here to vent and get support.  Sending hugs.  

[maize]

12 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

 There's something else driving her refusal to come over, and I so wish it could be chalked up to her not liking crowds.
 

If you find a compassionate view helpful,  I really do think that when people behave in ways that sabotage their relationships and ultimately their own happiness on a regular basis,  there really and truly is something going wrong in their brain.  The brain is a physical organ.  It's the organ we use to make decisions. And it can be just as messed up as any other organ. 

The flip side of this is that people with well-functioning brains have every right to establish boundaries to prevent the behavior of a person with a malfunctioning brain from destroying the lives of those around them.  Compassion does not require pandering to the malfunction. 

Do you know the saying about kids-- they do well if they can? I believe it applies to humans in general.  If someone is regularly behaving in ways that negatively impact their own life and the lives of others,  something is preventing them from doing well. 

I've mourned over how much of our children's lives my husband has missed out on because he was too stuck in the anxiety and misery and irrationality and depression inside his own head. The ways his brain functioning is impaired are on the more obvious side, at least to me. A lot of people deal with less obviously disabling brain limitations. They may be fully functional in most areas of their lives, but lack the ability to feel true empathy or comprehend genuinely reciprocal relationships. That is a real disability. 

For me at least, understanding problematic behavior as stemming from brain functioning issues helps me process it in a more compassionate and forgiving way.  And that leaves me more at peace. 

[saraha]

12 minutes ago, maize said:

If you find a compassionate view helpful,  I really do think that when people behave in ways that sabotage their relationships and ultimately their own happiness on a regular basis,  there really and truly is something going wrong in their brain.  The brain is a physical organ.  It's the organ we use to make decisions. And it can be just as messed up as any other organ. 

The flip side of this is that people with well-functioning brains have every right to establish boundaries to prevent the behavior of a person with a malfunctioning brain from destroying the lives of those around them.  Compassion does not require pandering to the malfunction. 

Do you know the saying about kids-- they do well if they can? I believe it applies to humans in general.  If someone is regularly behaving in ways that negatively impact their own life and the lives of others,  something is preventing them from doing well. 

I've mourned over how much of our children's lives my husband has missed out on because he was too stuck in the anxiety and misery and irrationality and depression inside his own head. The ways his brain functioning is impaired are on the more obvious side, at least to me. A lot of people deal with less obviously disabling brain limitations. They may be fully functional in most areas of their lives, but lack the ability to feel true empathy or comprehend genuinely reciprocal relationships. That is a real disability. 

For me at least, understanding problematic behavior as stemming from brain functioning issues helps me process it in a more compassionate and forgiving way.  And that leaves me more at peace. 

I am working on myself with this with my mom. I’m trying to find a balance of recognizing there is something wrong with her that makes her think the way she does and yet still have boundaries that protect me/us from the worst. Some days I do better than others. Some days I still fall hook line and sinker for one of her tricks. Some days I end the day with “talked to my mom today, it went pretty well over all”. I keep reminding myself that she can only get at me if I let her, she won’t show up here, so I control all access to those that live in the house and at least one of my out of the house kids has demonstrated the ability to face her and draw a hard boundary. So I must be doing something right. I did, at 45, finally let go of the idea that if I do the right combinations of things, she will magically be the mom I want/deserve/needed.
It definitely still hurts some times though and I do still go through spells of sadness. Especially as I watch everyone with my mil.

@BakersDozen I am so glad you have been able to create and foster the family you wish you had growing up and that your relationships with your children bring you so much joy!

[wintermom]

5 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

There is consistent behavior so I guess I knew what to expect, and I was OK heading into the last couple of days, but now that those days are drawing to a close and my sister has left (oldest dd is still here through tomorrow), it hits me that my mom chose again to not be a part of this. And so I come to the Hive to write it out and not just carry it in my head by myself. I don't say a word to my mom and neither do my dc; we let her do what she's going to do.

I accept it, but I'm still affected by it, I guess.

Hopefullly writing these feelings out and sharing them with others will help you heal. It is challenging navigating extended family relationships with all the history and bagage that comes along with it. Maybe the act of opening up your personal space, your home and time with your children, and being "rejected" over and over by your own mom is the knife that hurts the most. Don't let it drown out the lovely famiily you have right there, happy to spend time with you. Hugs

Edited September 6, 2023 by wintermom

[lauraw4321]

8 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

There is consistent behavior so I guess I knew what to expect, and I was OK heading into the last couple of days, but now that those days are drawing to a close and my sister has left (oldest dd is still here through tomorrow), it hits me that my mom chose again to not be a part of this. And so I come to the Hive to write it out and not just carry it in my head by myself. I don't say a word to my mom and neither do my dc; we let her do what she's going to do.

I accept it, but I'm still affected by it, I guess.

As my therapist told me, of course it still hurts. Of course you still hope. You can never really stop hoping your mom will be the mom you want and need and deserve.

[footballmom]

I’m sorry your mom made choices that deeply hurt you. Your feelings and hurt are completely valid.

My mom shares some behavior patterns with how you’ve described your mom. Since she is trying so hard to have “exclusive” experiences / time with certain people, that reminds me of my mom’s desire to put people in roles - golden, scrapegoat, etc. Maybe your mom chose not to join because it is so hard or baffling to her how to authentically connect with people and being surrounded by people that it is so natural to would be too hard for her? I’m not excusing it at all, just another lens to consider.

Her behavior has nothing to do with you - it is not evidence of a flaw or a failing on your part. She just can’t show up in a way that is loving to you and doing something different would impact the narrative she wants to tell others. Big hugs.