If your kid gets a haircut you hate

[elegantlion]

That is a cute haircut. I've seen similar styles on people of all body/face types and ages and it looks fine, imo.

Hair is kind of the you do you part of my parenting. Ds wanted his hair longer as a younger teen, ex-dh was opposed and I think they actually had a dispute about it (not quite argument). At 25, ds has a rapidly receding hair line so I'm glad he's been able to do what he wants with his hair. 

Agreed that 18 is a good time to experiment with hair. It's also a great time to build a different kind of relationship with your child as a young adult - one accepts their personal choices, like hair. It's a way of saying I accept who you are becoming and I'm here for you. 

As for what I'd say? I'd find some aspect of it to compliment, what a great color, look at x. 

[Doodlebug]

Before the cut - I would encourage a consult with a good stylist.  Stylists don't make a living by making drastic changes for clients who then hate it.  A good stylist will look at the cut, look at your DD, and make suggestions that your DD may LOVE or HATE.  Good to know in advance BEFORE a drastic change.

After the cut - I would consider my role to be focused on my kid wearing their decision with confidence rather than regret.  What's done is done and no one knows that better than a woman who made a drastic hair decision.  🙂

[Soror]

I always stress to my kids that they need to deliberate before making a big change. The older they get the less I share my thoughts and opinions. At 18 if I thought it would look bad I'd gently suggest why I thought it might not be a good fit. If they still disagreed I'd keep it to myself. I really don't care for my 19-year-old son's hair. I try to keep my mouth shut. For girls, it can be harder as they tend to ask more and talk about it. I'd focus on what they think and find aspects that I can compliment.

Style is so very individual. When kids are teens and young adults they often follow fashion and style trends without much regard of how it will look on them personally. I try to talk to my girls about that but that's the way it has been forever. I'm sure I did the same as did my Mom, and her Mom.

I think the undercuts look terrible on almost everyone. That picture is one of the least ugly I've seen but I'm still not a fan. But to each their own. I'm sure my kids disagree with plenty of my style choices. While young ones tend to rush into trying new styles us older people can hang onto outdated styles too long and get stuck in unflattering looks as well. Teens don't own the market on that 🙂

[shawthorne44]

10 hours ago, Katy said:

Charlize Theron is drop dead gorgeous, but short haircuts make her look masculine. Especially when she was growing out her pixie and it was 3” long.  

Kate Hudson and Katy Perry have slightly more delicate bones and short hair is okay on them but not their most flattering look. 

Mia Farrow and Halle Berry have very delicate bone structure and are both stunning with very short hair.  eta: to the point that a lot of hair might be overpowering on them and make you see their hair not their faces. 
 

All of these women are generally normal to underweight, but what hair is most flattering is very different. 

 

Yes, I think it is really bone structure and face shape that makes a difference.  I have a large head, prominent cheek bones, square jaw and big bones to the point that finding bracelets that fit is hard.   Any haircut shoulder length or less, and I look butch.  I also need a decent amount of hair framing my face for balance, so a pony tail isn't flattering.  

I also think it is a mistake to pick a haircut based on a hair model photo.   That isn't what the hair looks like when you wake up in the morning.  

 

[MEmama]

I love that hair style--it's adorable! My hair doesn't behave properly at that length so it's no-go for me (I'm not willing to spend time styling my hair) but I'd definitely wear it that way if I could.
 

The undercut is sooo cute, I like that one can hide it or not. I shaved my first undercut when I was 16, so mid-late 80's. The rest of my hair was long and I loved the contrast. I've considered doing another one but my hair isn't as thick as it used to be and I'm not sure it's worth the sacrifice lol. 

[Carrie12345]

I laid the groundwork early with my kids to make the teen years easier, lol. Now I can tell them they’re nuts/bananas/whatever, but that I support their dumb decisions and all is good. 😉 

This came in handy when #3 stopped hiding her septum ring.  
(She was of age, knows I hate looking at them, and that I love her despite thinking of boogers as I stare at her. 😛 )

The motto in our house is “Hair grows back”.

If I could just convince my 16yo to get his fine, thin hair cut! 🤷‍♀️ 

[Kalypso]

10 hours ago, easypeasy said:

Late teens/early 20s is the perfect time to test out crazy haircuts. Her inspo pic is very, very instyle right now, which is undoubtedly affecting her decision.

I also like to first ask, "How do you like it?" or "Do you love it?!" first and gauge their response. (This is usually over the phone, bc my kids like to call me after their hair appointments 😆)

If they're happy, I go along with something like what Tap said above, "You are so freaking awesome to try such a different hairstyle! You know I've had the same hair for 30 years," and then we both have a good laugh at how boring mom is.

If they're not happy, I go into damage control mode, buy some ice cream, and tell them how much I love their face and that the shorter hair lets me see more of it for the time being.

 

This is the perfect response. 

[Soror]

4 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

I laid the groundwork early with my kids to make the teen years easier, lol. Now I can tell them they’re nuts/bananas/whatever, but that I support their dumb decisions and all is good. 😉 

This came in handy when #3 stopped hiding her septum ring.  
(She was of age, knows I hate looking at them, and that I love her despite thinking of boogers as I stare at her. 😛 )

The motto in our house is “Hair grows back”.

If I could just convince my 16yo to get his fine, thin hair cut! 🤷‍♀️ 

Lol

My son has a septum piercing and I hate looking at them too but I've slowly gotten used to it. They are crazy popular right now so seeing so many kids with them has desensitized me. He was just 17 when he got it and hid it until I happened to see it one day. He's also in need of a haircut too. I don't love it super long but what I really don't like is all his split ends because he hasn't had a haircut in 2 years. We've tried to tell him his hair would be healthier to get the damaged parts trimmed but he doesn't care or doesn't believe us. I'm not sure which. But I've kept my mouth shut except when we did senior pictures.

[teachermom2834]

Is she going to a good stylist that you guys know and trust? If so what I would suggest is taking the photo and telling the stylist that this the the effect she is going for but then tell the stylist that she is the one that knows how it will look/work with her hair and ask what she thinks. I usually tell the stylist “you are the artist!” and then let them work. 
 

I say that because that is now I have always gotten my best cuts. Find a good stylist, share the vibe you are going for and then trust them and tip them well. They love getting the freedom to be creative and not try to make something work that is a bad fit for the client and they want the client happy. Maybe that kind of approach could get your dd the vibe she is going for in a way that works better for her. But if she is really determined of course that won’t work. 
 

But right now I go to Great Clips and I do not use that approach. 

[pitterpatter]

The trick to that cut might be making sure you have a stylish who can successfully do it.

I had long hair in high school. My best friend and I both cut our hair short in the final months before graduation. The cut a got wasn't too far off from that. No hair dye or shaved designed, though. It was part of finding our new young adult identities, I think. I loved that cut. It made me feel great about myself...empowered and confident for the future. (I went to college that fall.) As a matter of fact, about 25 years later, after going through some major life struggles and trying to redefine who I am, I tried to get that same cut again. My hair is much thinner now, though. And, my stylist hasn't quite been able to capture the look, but I went from long and graying to short and darkly dyed, and I again, it was liberating.

[Garga]

The moment you lay eyes on the new cut, you preempt the conversation and gush, “Oh my goodness! That’s soooo different! What do you think of it?!?!” Under no circumstances do you let her ask you what you think of it first!!!!

Then, when you get a read on what she thinks of it, this is your response:

She doesn’t like it: “Oh no! Oh honey! It’s gonna be ok. Check out ways to style it on youtube. It’s a really popular look right now, so I’m sure you’ll get used to it or figure out a new way to style it. And if you don’t, it’ll grow.”

She loves it: “Oh I’m so glad you love it! I was nervous because it’s so different, but it’s an awesome and stylish cut! I’m so happy you love it! The hairdresser did a great job!”

[Ginevra]

18 hours ago, Corraleno said:

When DD was 16 or 17, with nearly waist-length hair, she decided very suddenly she wanted a pixie cut. Someone she followed online had a pixie and I think she thought it would make her look edgy and cool like this person she admired, but given her size (tiny) and facial features (delicate, babyish) I thought it would mostly make her look like a 10 yr old boy. I didn't think that telling her that would be very effective (probably would have just made her more determined to do it at that age), so I just focused on the difficulty of growing it out if she didn't like it, explaining it would take a couple of years to get back to what she had, and that it would look really messy and uncool for the first year, and maybe she could consider a less drastic cut first, just to see if she liked shorter hair. She insisted she was sure she'd love a pixie, so that's what she got... and she absolutely hated it. Cried all the way home. I just said it wasn't as bad as she thought, and it would eventually grow out, and in the meantime I'd get her some bobby pins and styling gel and she could work on finding ways to make it look better.

(ETA: I've got nothing against pixies, I've had pixie cuts — including very short, almost buzz cut versions — many times in my life, but in DD's case the issue was more about how it looked with her features and hair texture.)

My dd had a similar inspiration at a similar age. Only difference was that she did not end up cutting it like that. When she told me she was thinking of going pixie with her waist-length hair (plus dying it red), I told her I did not recommend it. 
 

One thing I think is bad is that magazines/celebrities, etc. have photos done when they just had their hair and makeup professionally done. The “reality” of that hair is significantly less edgy and glam than it seems in a picture. I pointed out someone we knew who had cut her hair the same way. It basically made her look like a mom. On your average day, with minimal or simple makeup, it just looks like short mom hair. 
 

I don’t think it’s wrong or bad to tell your kids that something with their appearance decisions does not look that attractive to you. I’m glad my dd did not cut and color her hair that way. A couple years later, she did cut and color it but in a way I think was far more flattering and pretty. And which would be relatively easy to grow out, which a pixie is totally NOT. 

[Emba]

I spent much of my late teens and early twenties doing things to my hair that my parents didn’t care for.  It’sa good age for experimenting and hair does grow back (and in the case of lines like that, pretty fast. My DS just got a cut with lines , and it’s pretty high maintenance. But he’s also talked about wanting a mullet so I count my blessings.)

 so I try not to worry about that sort of thing. If I’m asked beforehand I’ll give an opinion, followed by “but it’s your hair.” If I’m not asked, I’ll try not to comment. And being critical afterwards is non-productive, but I also try never to lie, so I might say, “Well, it’s not to my taste but you know better than I do what’s people your age like,” or something along those lines.  
 

i do like that hairstyle, on someone else. My wavy/curly hair would probably not work so well with that. And that is one thing that I had to learn slowly and painfully during that period of experimentation - that some things I really wanted my hair to do, it just wasn’t going to do. And also like someone said, if you have very short hair and don’t wear makeup often, and maybe also don’t dress very feminine, lots of people may get the mistaken idea that you’re a lesbian. Maybe some of them will be boys that you like.

[Not_a_Number]

On 8/24/2023 at 7:11 PM, Tap said:

My standard for when one of my kids try something I don’t care for….“Not my favorite, but happy you are brave to try new things, and happy you like it!”

I’d do this, but I wouldn’t say “happy you like it” until a few days have passed. That kind of corners someone into not being unable to express regret, in my opinion — people will often say they like something at first until they’ve gotten a chance to evaluate, if it was their initiative!!!

[kathyl]

2 hours ago, Emba said:

......

i do like that hairstyle, on someone else. My wavy/curly hair would probably not work so well with that. And that is one thing that I had to learn slowly and painfully during that period of experimentation - that some things I really wanted my hair to do, it just wasn’t going to do. And also like someone said, if you have very short hair and don’t wear makeup often, and maybe also don’t dress very feminine, lots of people may get the mistaken idea that you’re a lesbian. Maybe some of them will be boys that you like.

Yeah, I learned that the hard way at 20yo.  I have very straight fine hair.  So one day I decided I wanted some slight waves in it.  I went and got a perm.  When she was done, I had an AFRO.  Seriously.  When people saw me who knew me, they didn't say anything - just stared.  lol

I think she just looked at how straight my hair was and left the chemicals on too long.  Not sure. 

Anyway, it didn't bother me too much until it started growing out and the roots were straight as a board next to the frizz.  But at that point, I just kept getting it trimmed every so often.  And, strangely enough, it looked fantastic when I did that.  I finally got my waves!  Which lasted a very short time and POOF!  they were gone.  After only a couple of trimmings.  

I've never had another perm since then.  And sometimes now that I'm older, I actually get a kind of curl/wave/frizz right after I wash it.  But it disappears quickly.  I learned to work with what I have. 

 

[Katy]

1 hour ago, kathyl said:

Yeah, I learned that the hard way at 20yo.  I have very straight fine hair.  So one day I decided I wanted some slight waves in it.  I went and got a perm.  When she was done, I had an AFRO.  Seriously.  When people saw me who knew me, they didn't say anything - just stared.  lol

I think she just looked at how straight my hair was and left the chemicals on too long.  Not sure. 

Anyway, it didn't bother me too much until it started growing out and the roots were straight as a board next to the frizz.  But at that point, I just kept getting it trimmed every so often.  And, strangely enough, it looked fantastic when I did that.  I finally got my waves!  Which lasted a very short time and POOF!  they were gone.  After only a couple of trimmings.  

I've never had another perm since then.  And sometimes now that I'm older, I actually get a kind of curl/wave/frizz right after I wash it.  But it disappears quickly.  I learned to work with what I have. 

 

I have a friend whose hair was only wavy when wet.  She started using the curly girl method and now has the waves of her dreams. I don't know anything about it except using curl enhancing products, but you might look into it if you want waves.

[kathyl]

2 minutes ago, Katy said:

I have a friend whose hair was only wavy when wet.  She started using the curly girl method and now has the waves of her dreams. I don't know anything about it except using curl enhancing products, but you might look into it if you want waves.

No, I got over the wave thing after that perm.  And I don't like having to 'maintain' hair.  So I've left it long except for bangs and just trimmed my own hair for decades now. 

[HS Mom in NC]

I always change the question to ask, "How do you like it? " first.  It doesn't matter whether I like it or not.  If they like it I say something like, "I'm so glad you got one you like." If they don't like it I'll sympathize. "It sucks when a haircut doesn't work out the way you want it." I don't invest heavily in feelings about other people's appearance, so I wouldn't be too worried about them getting a cut they end up not liking.  If they pressed me and insisted on knowing if I like it or not (never happened) I would say, "Not particularly, but that's not what matters." I don't feel the need to protect my children from their feelings.  Most of us have had a haircut we didn't like.  We felt our feelings about it and our lives went on.  Lesson learned.

I was raised by a mother who often told us to NEVER ask a question unless 1. we actually want to know the answer and 2. we have seriously considered, before asking the question,  that we might not get an answer we like. Are we OK with that?  Then ask.  If not, don't ask.

With my stylist I always: 
1. bring pics of what I want (usually my top 3 preferred styles)
2. state how many times a week I want to wash it
3. how often I want to style it with my preferred tools and products
4. ask (wanting to hear the answer) about whether or not my head of hair is particularly suited to those styles
5. what haircuts my stylist would recommend for my hair type and face shape

You have to ask like you actually want to know and add statements and questions like, "I know not every head of hair can actually do every style, so I want to work with my hair, not against it." and "Is this hairstyle realistic for me?" They need to know you really do want to seriously weigh a professional opinion.

[momto3innc]

I really can’t imagine saying something other than “You look great!” Because I think my kids are pretty cute 🙂 and I’m not going to make a comment they remember for years just because they might do something that is not my style. If it doesn’t end up being a good cut for them, it will grow out, and they’ll choose something else. 
 

[gardenmom5]

also keep in mind, if it's a teen/young adult - they will do haircuts they know mom will hate just to push buttons.
I recall talking to a nephew and his absurd hairstyle.  I mentioned it probably drove his mom nuts - "yeah, I know" - with a VERY self-satisfied smirk.

[historically accurate]

My 18 yo DD has a buzz cut at this point in her life, so I understand. My response was something of the "I'm so glad you're so brave to do this." I told her how everyone wanted to do undercuts in high school, and I was too much of a wimp. The buzz cut has grown on me over the months though. 

[Katy]

Am I the only one stalking this thread hoping for an update?

[mmasc]

6 hours ago, Katy said:

Am I the only one stalking this thread hoping for an update?

Nope. Lol. I keep clicking hoping for a picture!

[Clarita]

I'd probably be like my mom and get all excited about it myself. I really think under 25 is the best time to experiment with hair. Mainly because you've got a ton of time to maintain it and it's the time when everyone remembers doing something stupid for "style". I did get a boy cut when I was that age (I don't know what the official name for that hair style was but it does look a lot like the way my husband has his hair now and when he was a teen). I didn't like it. My mom just bought a bunch of cheap hair stuff (cute clips, etc.) and spent sometime with me working on dolling it up with me. She also spent some time highlighting the positives of the hair style. She did tell me she didn't think I was going to like it but that my teenage years are the time to make these sorts of mistake and that she could have been totally wrong (later I got purple highlights that she though wouldn't be great but turned out so fantastic that she got them herself.). I have no regrets over it because now no matter how cut the hair models look with that hair style I know with 100% certainty I don't want it. 

My opinion is that teens need to learn to make mistakes and live with them. Hair is one of those mistakes that is pretty safe and isn't going to ruin her life, which makes it kind of the perfect failure/mistake to learn how to fail and to go for your dreams in their adulthood.