Weird stuff I don't know if I can change

[TexasProud]

I just don't notice stuff. I just do not.

1. We had a lunch meeting with an associate pastor's wife and her children.  I had a great time. Literally in the table behind me was a former minister and his family who left under difficult circumstances.  I have been keeping in touch with the wife with texts.  We were not super close beforehand.  I did not see them.  Like I literally walked past them several times. A couple of my friends that were with them talked to them as they went by, gave them a hug, etc.  I guess I was so focused on talking to one of their daughters and/or the mom that I was completely oblivious.  I reached out to my friend to apologize and that I didn't see her.  No response. Not surprised.  I am sure she believes it was deliberate.  She feels persecuted anyway.

2.  Our two exchange student...man.  If they drip water on the floor, they immediately wipe it up.  They just notice so much stuff that if I am talking, I would have no clue I dropped water on the floor.  That said, one of them has a schedule for cleaning and was talking about going to the dorm and she has this set schedule.  I am sure she is appalled at my house, but is too polite to say so.  Her mom never ever leaves any dishes in the sink EVER.....  Yeah...not that mom.  My MIL picks stuff up when she is here sometimes, too.  I just don't see it unless I am in cleaning mode, then I see all kinds of stuff I normally don't see. 

3. Another just weird thing is that I don't know how to answer so many journal prompts anymore.  Like I look at them and say, I don't know.  I have no clue: What are you most afraid of? Who has your back?  What do you want?   I just have no answers for 3/4 of them. 

Just weird I guess. 

[maize]

Do these things worry/bother you?

It sounds to me like you are human. None of us is totally aware/in control/detail oriented/ready with an answer to everything all the time.

[Rosie_0801]

That all sounds normal enough to me.

And same with the journal prompt stuff. I think I'm too old to care about some of it, and really, why do I want to reinforce the synapses devoted to remembering stuff I don't want to remember? Why do I want to think about what I'm most afraid of? Anyway, I already know most fears are really fatigue if I look below the surface. I'm tired and don't want to put the effort into adjusting again.

[TexasProud]

21 hours ago, maize said:

Do these things worry/bother you?

It sounds to me like you are human. None of us is totally aware/in control/detail oriented/ready with an answer to everything all the time.

Yes.  I don't want my friend to think Yeah, you text and call and write me notes and encourage me, but when you are with other people you don't want to be seen with me. I also have had a couple of people come up to me like one person who sat by me and said, "I want you to know I forgive you..."  What???  She knew I didn't like her because I didn't talk to her, so she decided not to like me.  Part of it is I am up front at church on a regular basis.  I am not deliberately rude, but I cannot say hi to every single person. Plus, I have certain things I need to do. I am very, very task oriented, but I care deeply about people, I do.  ( I have since made it a point to greet her and talk to her.  She is now one of my biggest fans as far as my written work.)  

\
Well, as a writer, yeah, it bugs me.  However, the one that bugs me most is in Emily P Freeman's Next Right Thing journal.   Every quarter, you write the answer to:  I want, I need, I hope.  I leave them blank almost every time.  Those feel like questions I should know the answers to. 

Edited July 2, 2023 by TexasProud

[TexasProud]

Or like the if you could have any job, what would it be..

I don't know because if you think about any job there would be a list of things I wouldn't like about it, so it wouldn't be a dream job.  I mean, I could say (like I did as a teen) I want to be Amy Grant and perform all over the world, write songs, have records, etc.  However, that means everyone knowing your business and judging you for choices you make .  It means traveling a lot and being away from your family.  It means having security because of crazy people and being willing to have people follow you to  take pictures.  That is just one example.  I could do that for any career I think I might want to do. 

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I am sorry you are struggling.

The journaling question...that's why I don't do guided journals anymore. I found trying to answer some of those prompts more stressful than helpful.

I don't think I would be able to answer the "I want, I need, I hope" prompts on a regular basis. Mainly because what I would write there is unachievable without dramatic life changes and or a time machine.

Are you overthinking? I had a mentor tell me once to just write off the cuff and not overthink the answers. She believed my immediate response was more accurate than the over thought, deep response I was always trying to come up with.

[maize]

((())) You're over-thinking,  as people who are prone to anxiety tend to do. You want perfection of yourself-- to never miss things, to never make mistakes, to never be at a loss. 

Life doesn't work that way for anyone.  Oh, people don't all have precisely your set or my set of imperfections,  but every single one of us has imperfections and shortcomings. Worrying about and ruminating over our imperfections just steals time from pursuing and doing good in life. "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good" is a daily mantra in my house.

It is GOOD that you are opening your home to young people from far away. Don't let worries over being an imperfect housekeeper or host cloud that good.

It is GOOD that you care about people, reach out to them, put effort into staying in touch. Don't let worries over times you missed something or someone took offense at an imagined slight cloud that good.

It is GOOD that you write; don't let unwritten things cloud that good.

I know, when anxiety is in play, that's easier said than done. One strategy when these kinds of thoughts/worries crop up is to recognize the anxiety, label it (oh, hi there anxiety old friend) and remind yourself that you are aiming for doing good,  not for being perfect.

[TexasProud]

8 minutes ago, maize said:

 

I know, when anxiety is in play, that's easier said than done. One strategy when these kinds of thoughts/worries crop up is to recognize the anxiety, label it (oh, hi there anxiety old friend) and remind yourself that you are aiming for doing good,  not for being perfect.

Interesting. None of my therapists ever thought I had anxiety.  Everyone seems to be so intimidated by how confident I am and how organized.  LOL.  Seriously, I don't understand how I am intimidating but when I talk to people one on one that comes up over and over and over. 

[freesia]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Interesting. None of my therapists ever thought I had anxiety.  Everyone seems to be so intimidated by how confident I am and how organized.  LOL.  Seriously, I don't understand how I am intimidating but when I talk to people one on one that comes up over and over and over. 

I sense anxiety in you as well. I use organization to control my anxiety. You often come off here as wanting to be seen in a good light by everyone in your life. You don’t want to ruffle anyone’s feathers by your choices and it upsets you that you can’t always figure out a way to have what you want and keep everyone happy. That behavior, in my experience , comes from anxiety. I agree with everything @maize said. Maybe you don’t share with therapists the way you do here. 

[TexasProud]

2 minutes ago, freesia said:

I sense anxiety in you as well. I use organization to control my anxiety. You often come off here as wanting to be seen in a good light by everyone in your life. You don’t want to ruffle anyone’s feathers by your choices and it upsets you that you can’t always figure out a way to have what you want and keep everyone happy. That behavior, in my experience , comes from anxiety. I agree with everything @maize said. Maybe you don’t share with therapists the way you do here. 

I do.  I promise. I explain logically how no one is perfect.  I pretty much tell them techniques they will tell me.  I don't know the last one.  I knew  heack of a lot more than she did to be honest.  Her response was often.. gosh, that is hard... I guess you just....   Yeah, give me definite techniques that work, but don't waste my time.  

[freesia]

9 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I do.  I promise. I explain logically how no one is perfect.  I pretty much tell them techniques they will tell me.  I don't know the last one.  I knew  heack of a lot more than she did to be honest.  Her response was often.. gosh, that is hard... I guess you just....   Yeah, give me definite techniques that work, but don't waste my time.  

I wonder if you don’t need techniques. I know all the techniques, too. What I see with you more is the way you frame the narrative of your life is what leads you to be upset. You come across as having what therapists would call cognitive distortions. It’s really hard to accept that our choices will often make people-or ourselves-unhappy. There’s no way out of that. Learning to be less anxious and more accepting of that would help you. 

[Rosie_0801]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

I also have had a couple of people come up to me like one person who sat by me and said, "I want you to know I forgive you..."  What???  She knew I didn't like her because I didn't talk to her, so she decided not to like me.  

Um. Someone really said that to you? And thought they were in the right? 😱

 

[Pawz4me]

40 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Interesting. None of my therapists ever thought I had anxiety.  Everyone seems to be so intimidated by how confident I am and how organized.  LOL.  Seriously, I don't understand how I am intimidating but when I talk to people one on one that comes up over and over and over. 

Confidence can be a shield against anxiety. IME the confidence is often feigned, or confidence in some areas is used as a screen against anxiety in other areas (you can have anxiety about some things and not others). I think faux confidence also happens sometimes with low self esteem.

ETA: I'm definitely not saying the above is what you're doing! Just musing in general.

Edited July 1, 2023 by Pawz4me

[TexasProud]

5 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Um. Someone really said that to you? And thought they were in the right? 😱

 

Yep. I apologized and asked how in the world I made her think I didn't like her. She gave several examples. But honestly, it isn't that I didn't like her, it is that I didn't think about her period.  I mean I knew who she was, but it never entered my mind that was an expectation. So now in church I try to absolutely make sure I smile and talk to as many people as I can. 

[Rosie_0801]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

Yep. I apologized and asked how in the world I made her think I didn't like her. She gave several examples. But honestly, it isn't that I didn't like her, it is that I didn't think about her period.  I mean I knew who she was, but it never entered my mind that was an expectation. So now in church I try to absolutely make sure I smile and talk to as many people as I can. 

That is good of you. I'd have avoided her and her atrocious boundaries whenever possible. Or maybe I wouldn't have needed to, because my widened eyes and dropping jaw would have given my thoughts away.

Keep your soap opera inside your own head, Lady! Sheesh!

[regentrude]

Just want to comment on the journal prompts:
First, not every prompt will speak to every person. When I did stuff like this, half the time I had no answers because the questions didn't apply to me.
Second, even if this is a valid question for your situation, it may not be the right moment to answer it on the spot.
Third, this kind of format may not be the right tool for you to gain the insights and clarity that you may be seeking.

At a certain point, I found these exercises helpful to get me thinking; however, after a while, they became unproductive navel gazing that did nothing to make me gain clarity or peace.

[Calm37]

The undercurrent of your posts is that you attend a church that has a lot of drama of one kind or another. It sounds like people are being hurt there on a regular basis. Meetings where people are crying? What may seem like being task-oriented may just be coping with conflict. Church conflict is the worst. Ugh.

[TexasProud]

19 hours ago, Calm37 said:

The undercurrent of your posts is that you attend a church that has a lot of drama of one kind or another. It sounds like people are being hurt there on a regular basis. Meetings where people are crying? What may seem like being task-oriented may just be coping with conflict. Church conflict is the worst. Ugh.

k

Edited July 2, 2023 by TexasProud

[forty-two]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

Interesting. None of my therapists ever thought I had anxiety.  Everyone seems to be so intimidated by how confident I am and how organized.  LOL.  Seriously, I don't understand how I am intimidating but when I talk to people one on one that comes up over and over and over. 

I don't think confidence and anxiety are incompatible.  People tend to find me confident and intimidating, too - and in general I *am* confident - but I also absolutely deal with anxiety. 

For me, anxiety often involves overthinking something in non-productive, panic-inducing ways, that are more likely to lead to avoiding the thing entirely (or getting mad at the issue for existing in the first place, requiring me to deal with it) instead of helping me actually do the thing or solve the problem.  It's building up a situation in my head to outsized proportions, feeling overwhelmed at the size and scope of "the situation" (actually, my inflated impression of the situation), and being unable to let go of any of the inflated pieces, even as I also am genuinely upset at the thought of having to *deal* with all those (self/anxiety-imposed) pieces.  I hate how the situation looms so much larger than it should, but I also can't see how any of the pieces can be neglected without bad consequences.

The thing is, I *also* do a similar thing - see so many more pieces and important details and potential pitfalls than most others - for non-anxiety reasons, too.  Namely, often I'm *right* about seeing more to do in a situation, and doing those extra things *makes things better than not doing them*.  But when anxiety's *not* in play, I can effectively triage the situation, rank things by importance, figure out what can and can't be done given the time and resources available - aka, I'm *not* getting paralyzed by the problem.  When anxiety comes in, my ability to triage effectively goes away.  Anxiety makes everything feel of necessary importance, so that the idea of a good-enough solution, or some parts not getting done - I feel like it just can't be borne.  As well, anxiety acting up means I can't necessarily see the problem with clear eyes - I'm seeing the inflated image in my head, and I *can't* stop, even when I *know* the situation can't *possibly* be as bad in reality as it feels. 

And, of course, I can both be *right* about much of what I see mattering, while anxiety is ruining my ability to rank and prioritize and cut the situation down to manageable size.  Even then, it's amazing how much genuinely important stuff isn't *truly* mission critical.  Our church does a rummage sale, and the first year I was heavily involved in organizing it.  That was so stressful that I've refused to touch it at all the past few years.  And I've been shocked at how others' stupidly optimistic time estimates (compared to what it took me to do it) actually have been pretty accurate.  I mean, it's a given they aren't doing a quarter of the stuff I did, but they are doing *enough* that the sale can happen and do ok, and they are managing it in a quarter of the time it was taking me.  I mean, I wasn't going to touch it with a ten-foot pole, but I really thought they'd be unpleasantly surprised at the time it was going to take.  But instead I was downright shocked at what they were able to do in that timeframe, and how it was really good enough.  Not great, not exemplary, but good enough.

Anyway, long story short (too late, lol), I think anxiety and confidence (real confidence, not just confidence as a shield) can coexist in the same person (although not usually at the same time about the same thing). 

Edited July 1, 2023 by forty-two

[SKL]

Those are fairly common things.  I personally have the "don't recognize people" problem.  I don't know that there's a fix for it.  I do tell people up front that I am bad with names and faces, and it is likely to take several meetings before I place who they are, so don't be offended.  I don't know that they remember that later though.

I live with at least one person who does not see mess unless it's brought to her attention.  We choose to be housemates, we choose to accept each other's genuine challenges.  She has improved a lot over the years - maybe she figured out a trick to remember to pick up after herself more often.

Pobody's nerfect.

[freesia]

 

47 minutes ago, forty-two said:

I don't think confidence and anxiety are incompatible.  People tend to find me confident and intimidating, too - and in general I *am* confident - but I also absolutely deal with anxiety. 

For me, anxiety often involves overthinking something in non-productive, panic-inducing ways, that are more likely to lead to avoiding the thing entirely (or getting mad at the issue for existing in the first place, requiring me to deal with it) instead of helping me actually do the thing or solve the problem.  It's building up a situation in my head to outsized proportions, feeling overwhelmed at the size and scope of "the situation" (actually, my inflated impression of the situation), and being unable to let go of any of the inflated pieces, even as I also am genuinely upset at the thought of having to *deal* with all those (self/anxiety-imposed) pieces.  I hate how the situation looms so much larger than it should, but I also can't see how any of the pieces can be neglected without bad consequences.

The thing is, I *also* do a similar thing - see so many more pieces and important details and potential pitfalls than most others - for non-anxiety reasons, too.  Namely, often I'm *right* about seeing more to do in a situation, and doing those extra things *makes things better than not doing them*.  But when anxiety's *not* in play, I can effectively triage the situation, rank things by importance, figure out what can and can't be done given the time and resources available - aka, I'm *not* getting paralyzed by the problem.  When anxiety comes in, my ability to triage effectively goes away.  Anxiety makes everything feel of necessary importance, so that the idea of a good-enough solution, or some parts not getting done - I feel like it just can't be borne.  As well, anxiety acting up means I can't necessarily see the problem with clear eyes - I'm seeing the inflated image in my head, and I *can't* stop, even when I *know* the situation can't *possibly* be as bad in reality as it feels. 

And, of course, I can both be *right* about much of what I see mattering, while anxiety is ruining my ability to rank and prioritize and cut the situation down to manageable size.  Even then, it's amazing how much genuinely important stuff isn't *truly* mission critical.  Our church does a rummage sale, and the first year I was heavily involved in organizing it.  That was so stressful that I've refused to touch it at all the past few years.  And I've been shocked at how others' stupidly optimistic time estimates (compared to what it took me to do it) actually have been pretty accurate.  I mean, it's a given they aren't doing a quarter of the stuff I did, but they are doing *enough* that the sale can happen and do ok, and they are managing it in a quarter of the time it was taking me.  I mean, I wasn't going to touch it with a ten-foot pole, but I really thought they'd be unpleasantly surprised at the time it was going to take.  But instead I was downright shocked at what they were able to do in that timeframe, and how it was really good enough.  Not great, not exemplary, but good enough.

Anyway, long story short (too late, lol), I think anxiety and confidence (real confidence, not just confidence as a shield) can coexist in the same person (although not usually at the same time about the same thing). 

100% this 

[Jaybee]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

Just want to comment on the journal prompts:
First, not every prompt will speak to every person. When I did stuff like this, half the time I had no answers because the questions didn't apply to me.
Second, even if this is a valid question for your situation, it may not be the right moment to answer it on the spot.
Third, this kind of format may not be the right tool for you to gain the insights and clarity that you may be seeking.

At a certain point, I found these exercises helpful to get me thinking; however, after a while, they became unproductive navel gazing that did nothing to make me gain clarity or peace.

As a person who can be too introspective anyway, and can overthink, sometimes these can be counterproductive. I once started a Bible study book that everyone was raving about. Parts of it were helpful to a certain extent, but I found before long, that it was causing me to look at myself so much, rather than at Christ, that I was working myself down into a hole. So I just set that book aside and didn't go any further. For a person who isn't prone to look at themselves at all and think about those things, it was probably helpful and needed. But not for me.

[forty-two]

4 hours ago, maize said:

Do these things worry/bother you?

It sounds to me like you are human. None of us is totally aware/in control/detail oriented/ready with an answer to everything all the time.

 

4 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Yes.  I don't want my friend to think Yeah, you text and call and write me notes and encourage me, but when you are with other people you don't want to be seen with me. <snip>

...hubby said, "Aren't you going to talk to  (my best friend).  She was sitting in the back crying with a few people around her....  She sat in the back so people wouldn't see her.  I felt horrible.  She wasn't mad at all and said her husband needed smiling faces in his corner in the front so she was fine with my husband and I sitting there.  But I felt like the worst friend ever.

Since you are Christian, I'd consider including your concern about missing important things into your prayers.  Maybe pray, "God, today please help me to notice the things that would be good for me to notice, especially things that I'd normally miss."  (You could include the corollary, "And help me to not notice the things it would be better to not notice.")  You could also include prayers that God will let you know if you should deliberately work to improve in a given weak area, too.  I mean, we're human, we can't ever know everything that would be good for us to know, we are always going to miss important things - but God knows.

Honestly, it already sounds like God's been bringing some to light for you, like your dh pointing out that your friend was crying.  And once you had the information, you took initiative to do good with it.  (The way you are so good at changing your behavior toward others once you are made aware of it - that's really impressive and admirable.)

 

4 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Well, as a writer, yeah, it bugs me.  However, the one that bugs me most is in Emily P Freeman's Next Right Thing journal.   Every quarter, you write the answer to:  I want, I need, I hope.  I leave them blank almost every time.  Those feel like questions I should know the answers to. 

IDK what the point of journal prompts is for you - avoid blank page syndrome, encourage you to think and write about things you wouldn't otherwise focus on, encourage you to think and write on topics that make your a better writer, or what.   But just overall, I think a lot of writers don't respond well to prompts - they would rather focus on what's important to them instead of thinking through things unrelated to their lives and interests and focus.  So looking at a given prompt and deciding it's not worth 20min of your time to think and write about it, so you skip it - sounds fine to me. I mean, the prompts are tools, and if a given prompt isn't a useful tool, there's no point in using it, kwim?

But it sounds like in some cases the problem is that you wish you *did* have something to say on a given topic, and are sad that you *don't* (like with the "I want, I need, I hope" prompts).  IDK what kind of writing process you favor, but that does sound like something that freewriting could help with (if it's a problem you want to solve, as opposed to one you are content to live with).  There are sometimes posts on the forum that I really want to respond to, but I have *no idea* what I'd say.  And when I have time, I will write to find out what I have to say.  It can take quite a bit of time - often several hours - but I almost always manage to find thoughts worth having, and often I manage to wrangle my thoughts into a cohesive post with a point.

So maybe, when a given prompt is one you *do* want to find an answer for, you could freewrite on it for 20m or so, see if you start to get anywhere once you spend some time on it.  If you do get somewhere, and you had the time, you could pursue it for a while, see what you can find.  But in any case, you'd have 20 more minutes of thought on it than you had before you started, 20m closer to knowing an answer to something that you want to know.

Edited July 1, 2023 by forty-two

[kbutton]

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

It hasn't until the last couple of months.  Yes, I hate conflict and that is probably the huge trigger for me.  My pastor is on the right side. (In my opinion. 65 percent of the church is on that side. 10 percent of the ones that are not are vocal and mean and spreading rumors and it is just horrible.  Like if anyone knows them, they would know rumors are false.  About the role of women in the church.  What most of us thought would be no controversy at all has become HUGE.  Just huge. For the 78 percent who actually lead and do the work in the church, they are all for it.  For 2 percent of those who lead and do the work and then 20 percent who don't it is heresy and oh no...SBC will kick us out.  Who the hell cares???? 

I'm so sorry that the mess that the SBC is becoming is disrupting your church life. 

[Wheres Toto]

I don't tend to look at people unless I am directly interacting with them or looking for them.  I will walk right by someone I've known for decades without actually seeing them.  I do it all the time.

I have been called confident, but also snotty, stuck up, rude because I have social anxiety and have a hard time walking up to people and talking to them, or inviting myself into an already existing group.   I end up sitting by myself at large gatherings if I go alone, but don't look miserable so people assume I'm just being snotty and standoffish.   

But in a setting like at work where I have a role to play, I find it much easier to put myself out there and be social and come across as confident.   These people would never believe I have social anxiety because in that context, I am fine.  

Depending on where people see me or know me from, they have a very different impression.  

[Grace Hopper]

4 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

That all sounds normal enough to me.

And same with the journal prompt stuff. I think I'm too old to care about some of it, and really, why do I want to reinforce the synapses devoted to remembering stuff I don't want to remember? Why do I want to think about what I'm most afraid of? Anyway, I already know most fears are really fatigue if I look below the surface. I'm tired and don't want to put the effort into adjusting again.

Amen!

[KungFuPanda]

Your friend should have spoken to you. It’s not like she actually caught your eye and you looked away. She knows you didn’t look at her and she shouldn’t feel grudgy if she made zero effort. 

[Not_a_Number]

I actually can’t tell if you’re very anxious or not, but you do seem like you really care what other people think and aren’t… charitable, maybe?… with yourself. Like it’s hard for you to accept your personality and needs as they are.

I know how that goes, for what it’s worth.

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that some of those journal prompts are great for earlier seasons in life but become increasingly irrelevant or even too commonplace to be interesting to comment on later in life.

[knitgrl]

I've never been good with journal prompts. "Think about a time when you felt...." My mind just draws a blank. But there are certain songs, or certain movies that resonate with me because I know exactly what a character feels like. And even then, what happened was so long ago, I don't really remember the particulars, but the feeling I remember clearly.

[Kidlit]

8 hours ago, TexasProud said:

I do.  I promise. I explain logically how no one is perfect.  I pretty much tell them techniques they will tell me.  I don't know the last one.  I knew  heack of a lot more than she did to be honest.  Her response was often.. gosh, that is hard... I guess you just....   Yeah, give me definite techniques that work, but don't waste my time.  

I so relate to this.  I have been very frustrated by almost every therapy experience I've ever had.   It's like I could counsel myself because I already know what they're going to say, and when I say it, they just back me up.  It has been mostly pointless for me. 

[Melissa Louise]

Here's the thing with writing prompts of any kind; they're not rules. 

If you draw a blank on the prompt, write against it. Write about your frustration at not knowing how to answer. Do any darn thing - there's zero magic in a prompt itself; it's just somewhere to start. I don't use these type of prompts, but I do teach with prompts..

(I also don't journal but I do write every day and am never blocked - there is always something to write when you appreciate the above.)