Secret gift giving at work - question

[Melissa Louise]

I need some ideas.

My boss is making us all participate in a well being activity that is causing me stress!

Basically, we get randomly given a 'pal' ie a colleague to secretly do something for/gift something to.

This pal may or may not be someone you actually know, but we get given some info about their preferences.

I have a LOT of stress around this kind of thing, for reasons I don't care to share at work.

I do give gifts/do nice things for workmates I am close to, but even then I find it stressful. I feel really anxious about doing it for someone I don't really know.

Yes, I have told my boss I don't feel comfortable with expectations of gift-giving, because money, and she is just putting pressure on by saying it doesn't need to be a gift, it can be something else to make the person happy.

I also don't want someone to do/gift something for me, and feel really stressed about that too, but I don't have to think about that right now.

So please help me with some ideas of low/no cost things to do to make a random workmate happy and increase their well being.

 

 

 

[marbel]

Oh, I feel for you. I had to do that once, although in this case the employer sent us all an Amazon gift card to pay for the gift, and have it shipped directly (since we worked remotely). That took some of the pain away, but not all. It had to be something related to wellness. 

I sent my person a gift box with a selection of herbal teas. I have no idea if my person liked tea at all! The gift I received was some sort of neck heat-massage thing that was covered in an icky-feeling fabric. I donated it.  

I don't have any ideas for you, just empathizing. I really can't imagine having to think of something to do for a person. 

I'd probably go with an inexpensive coffee mug filled with small wrapped candies. Yes, I know that is a lame gift and one can argue that candy doesn't increase someone's well-being.

What would increase my well-being is employers not forcing fake fun and camaraderie. 

[Melissa Louise]

Just now, marbel said:

Oh, I feel for you. I had to do that once, although in this case the employer sent us all an Amazon gift card to pay for the gift, and have it shipped directly (since we worked remotely). That took some of the pain away, but not all. It had to be something related to wellness. 

I sent my person a gift box with a selection of herbal teas. I have no idea if my person liked tea at all! The gift I received was some sort of neck heat-massage thing that was covered in an icky-feeling fabric. I donated it.  

I don't have any ideas for you, just empathizing. I really can't imagine having to think of something to do for a person. 

I'd probably go with an inexpensive coffee mug filled with small wrapped candies. Yes, I know that is a lame gift and one can argue that candy doesn't increase someone's well-being.

What would increase my well-being is employers not forcing fake fun and camaraderie. 

I can't do the mug thing - I work in a school and that's the kind of thing teachers get a million of - it's meant to increase their well being - make them feel good about themselves/their work.

I generally opt out of all of these things, but the pressure is really on for this one.

It makes me feel so stressed I'm fantasizing about quitting to avoid it.

I appreciate the empathy!

 

[prairiewindmomma]

A few stems of flowers

a drawing, even a funny cartoon bad one

a bright yellow highlighter—“hope this brings a bit of sunshine to highlight your day”

a doughnut or sweet 

 

[Arcadia]

My kids’ elementary school teachers would love white board markers as gifts because they have to pay for those out of their own pocket. They also like heavy duty book ends. The feel good part is tricky, its like giving a pat in the back but in the form of gift or service. 

[regentrude]

A little potted plant.

I like consumables for this lind of thing. Bake them cookies or muffins. A jar of jam. Chocolate. A fancy spice mix. Something that can be used up or regifted. 

Blank notecards.

You can also just write a nice card. Perhaps with a poem.

Edited May 1, 2023 by regentrude

[Junie]

a pretty journal

flavored spoons

a decorated cookie

homemade treats

something from the garden

a bouquet of flowers

[Melissa Louise]

If I know them, I like the idea of nice words in a nice card.

This whole thing just makes me want to cry - either finding extra $ to spend, or finding extra time or both...but these are good ideas...

[kbutton]

Just now, regentrude said:

A little potted plant.

I like consumables for this lind of thing. Bake them cookies or muffins. A jar of jam. Chocolate. A fancy spice mix. Something that can be used up or regifted. 

Blank notecards.

You can also just write a nice card.

Seconding the plant (and consumables)  If you have one you can take a start from at home, all the better.

Adding: nice soap, maybe epsom salts for a bath soak or magnesium lotion (not sure the lotion cost)

Herbs for cooking—if you don’t grow your own, this could be your potted plant. They are inexpensive to buy here this time of year.

Homemade natural cleaner in a spray bottle (recipes online).

Microfiber cloth for cleaning high touch spots in the classroom (door knobs, etc.).

Tea

A small stack of handwritten recipes that you enjoy when you need a pick me up.

If you like to do things for people and are comfortable with this person, maybe a coupon for a small school/classroom errand—only if you have time and it’s not extra stress. 

[prairiewindmomma]

For me, it is anxiety about whether the gift will be well received and how it will reflect on me. 
 

I am sorry you have this added stress!!

[happi duck]

I like the flower idea.  I'd probably do a thrift store vase with a couple stems of something.

Do you have any favorite well-being strategies you could share?

I'm thinking stuff like 54321 technique or specific breathing patterns that you could put in a note as some of your favorites.

Edited May 1, 2023 by happi duck

[Melissa Louise]

Just now, happi duck said:

I like the flower idea.  I'd probably do a thrift store vase with a couple stems of something.

Do have any favorite well-being strategies you could share?

I'm thinking stuff like 54321 technique or specific breathing patterns that you could put in a note as some of your favorites.

Oh, I like this.

[Melissa Louise]

2 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

For me, it is anxiety about whether the gift will be well received and how it will reflect on me. 
 

I am sorry you have this added stress!!

It's definitely that - I have a lot of gift giving stress because ex liked to reject anything I gave him - I was often yelled at and/or told to return.

It's also that I know most people there will chuck $ at it - and I can't chuck $ at it - so I will look cheap by comparison.

 

[ScoutTN]

I like the thrift shop vase with a few flower stems. Perhaps wildflowers.

[thatfirstsip]

Do you have a printer and maybe access to card stock or heavyweight printer paper? Sometimes you can buy this by the single sheet if you can't use the school's. There are lots of free (or minimal cost, I have a zillion of these I'd happily send you via email) digital graphic print things with like a positive phrase and some watercolor flowers or a tree or what have you. 

Cheap way to give art (made by independent real artists! But printed by you).

[bookbard]

1 minute ago, Melissa Louise said:

It's also that I know most people there will chuck $ at it - and I can't chuck $ at it - so I will look cheap by comparison.

 

I was going to say observe what other people do and you might get some good ideas, but I think it would be good to buck the trend of spending money. Making it consumable, either pick a bunch of flowers and put in a jam jar on their desk with a 'have a nice day', or a couple of biscuits on a paper plate with flowers drawn on it. Personally I would love either of those. I am fortunate in that a lot of people come into my community-based workplace and bring flowers from their gardens to share with everyone. I love flowers! 

[kbutton]

1 minute ago, Melissa Louise said:

 

It's also that I know most people there will chuck $ at it - and I can't chuck $ at it - so I will look cheap by comparison.

 

You are not alone, and you can set an example that wellness practices are not just for those with disposable income.

Maybe that’s why they chose a wellness theme—it’s meant to be more universal or inclusive.

Ooh, maybe find instructions for a five minute desk/chair stretch to go with the suggested breathing techniques.

[Melissa Louise]

Just now, bookbard said:

I was going to say observe what other people do and you might get some good ideas, but I think it would be good to buck the trend of spending money. Making it consumable, either pick a bunch of flowers and put in a jam jar on their desk with a 'have a nice day', or a couple of biscuits on a paper plate with flowers drawn on it. Personally I would love either of those. I am fortunate in that a lot of people come into my community-based workplace and bring flowers from their gardens to share with everyone. I love flowers! 

If I had flowers, I would definitely do this, but I don't have flowers.

I just feel this 'well being activity' is so disconnected from my life - I do not have the kind of life where I can pick flowers from my garden, or spend a lovely Sunday baking - it makes me feel like even more of an outsider at work than I already do.

 

[regentrude]

8 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

It's also that I know most people there will chuck $ at it - and I can't chuck $ at it - so I will look cheap by comparison.

Then go for something that has a little of your time in it. Start of a plant you root and repot. Something small that you made. Doesn't have to be time consuming. 

[Melissa Louise]

OK, I think I will do a card with the breathing/stretch strategies, to show willing.

Unless I get allocated a friend, in which case I will write a letter about all their good qualities as a worker/work mate.

~

Second question - do you think it would be acceptable to ask to be exempted from receiving, if not from the giving?

[regentrude]

Just now, Melissa Louise said:

Second question - do you think it would be acceptable to ask to be exempted from receiving, if not from the giving?

No. Because it means another person can't participate in the giving. Just accept it and don't give it another thought. 

[Ausmumof3]

Your resignation letter 🙄

are they teachers? I’m forever buying white board markers in my job so maybe a nice set of them with different colours? Or a small voucher to office works? 
 

Not sure if that fits the wellness theme though.

Edited May 1, 2023 by Ausmumof3

[thatfirstsip]

You're not the only one. Existing socially or professionally in an economic class you're not actually part of is fraught with these things. It's like when my kid's school wants every kid to fork up $25 for a field trip t-shirt twice a year.

[Melissa Louise]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

Then go for something that has a little of your time in it. Start of a plant you root and repot. Something small that you made. Doesn't have to be time consuming. 

My issue with time is that I resent being asked to spend time that isn't on the clock. I'm not salaried, I'm by the hour - this is asking me to work for free, effectively. For friends, yes, all the time. For colleagues I don't know, because my boss told me to do it? Unhappy.

Just now, Ausmumof3 said:

Your resignation letter 🙄

are they teachers? I’m forever buying white board markers in my job so maybe a nice set of them with different colours? Or a small voucher to office works? 

I wish.

Yes.

Markers are good. I'll decide which I hate less - $10 for markers or 30 min for a well being note.

[thatfirstsip]

You can ask to be exempt from the whole shebang, I imagine - but you'll either have to invent a story or tell the real one or be ostracized. There's no painless play, here - ime adults are largely expected to have dealt with their trauma, or they have to defend any resistance to the social contract with the detailed story of that trauma, which is rarely worth it.

 

I hear you on the gift giving and receiving thing. I just open with "I suck at gifts, it's a weird me thing," and that seems to lower my expectations and theirs, which reduces my anxiety.

[Katy]

I would in writing or email say, "I need specific examples because this exercise is causing me a great deal of stress and anxiety. I do not have extra money or time to come up with a gift and I cannot imagine I am the only person who finds this emotionally exhausting and causing a great deal of undue stress rather than restorative. Please help."

Note I used the term undue stress because it's a legal buzzword in HR circles here.

[Melissa Louise]

4 minutes ago, thatfirstsip said:

You're not the only one. Existing socially or professionally in an economic class you're not actually part of is fraught with these things. It's like when my kid's school wants every kid to fork up $25 for a field trip t-shirt twice a year.

Thanks for getting it.

I'm pretty sure I'm in cleaner class at school. 

I would not mind if I was giving something to the cleaner. That's peer to peer.

Being asked to give time or money to people with more money and time really stings, especially in service of well being. Whose? Not mine.

 

[Ausmumof3]

Just now, Melissa Louise said:

My issue with time is that I resent being asked to spend time that isn't on the clock. I'm not salaried, I'm by the hour - this is asking me to work for free, effectively. For friends, yes, all the time. For colleagues I don't know, because my boss told me to do it? Unhappy.

I wish.

Yes.

Markers are good. I'll decide which I hate less - $10 for markers or 30 min for a well being note.

Is it a public school? I’m so cynical about stuff like this. Schools are having trouble retaining staff. If they really cared about wellness, they’d do something about indoor air quality and improve general working conditions, not make poorly paid staff spend their own money/time on wellness building activities. But I realise that probably doesn’t help you right now 😬

[Katy]

Oh, as an hourly? "As an hourly employee, I will not partcipate in this activity unless you are planning on reimbursing me for the cost AND the time invested."

What are they going to do? Fire you?

[thatfirstsip]

Just now, Melissa Louise said:

Thanks for getting it.

I'm pretty sure I'm in cleaner class at school. 

I would not mind if I was giving something to the cleaner. That's peer to peer.

Being asked to give time or money to people with more money and time really stings, especially in service of well being. Whose? Not mine.

 

Lol YES. 

[Melissa Louise]

1 minute ago, Katy said:

I would in writing or email say, "I need specific examples because this exercise is causing me a great deal of stress and anxiety. I do not have extra money or time to come up with a gift and I cannot imagine I am the only person who finds this emotionally exhausting and causing a great deal of undue stress rather than restorative. Please help."

Note I used the term undue stress because it's a legal buzzword in HR circles here.

I've actually done this. Asked for an exemption because stress of giving, and the answer was (a gentle) no with the option of doing something rather than gifting something.

[DeainUSA]

 My school did this often but it was always a choice.  I'm so sorry it's not.

What about a hour of volunteer time for the coworker?  Cutting, laminating, grading papers, organizing books, working with students on sight words, decorating their hallway board, or whatever. Like what a volunteer parent would do.

[Kassia]

I feel really bad about this for you.  It sounds miserable and I know that isn't what the intent of it is.  I'd be feeling the same way - it's just so awkward and uncomfortable.

[prairiewindmomma]

Angsting over this is doing emotional labor over it, and emotional labor costs me something. I would decide to do something under $2Aud and then giving it no more thought.
 

It’s a stupid thing to require employees to boost other employees rather than having The Powers That Be actually boost their own employees. I definitely wouldn’t be asking for an exemption because that just puts a target on your back. You shouldn’t have to jeopardize your job. People who pay your paycheck will be more accepting of a bad gift than of opting out. 

Seriously. 

[Lori D.]

... deleting 

I don't want to be a snarky person, and I was definitely veering into snark, here. Sorry OP, as snark does not help you situation. 😢

Edited May 2, 2023 by Lori D.

[Lori D.]

1 minute ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Angsting over this is doing emotional labor over it, and emotional labor costs me something. I would decide to do something under $2Aud and then giving it no more thought...

@prairiewindmomma is much kinder than I am. 😉 This ^^^ is a much better idea.

How about running through the Dollar Store and pick up a $1 item -- a little packet of stickers for encouragement or that are funny. Or a candle. Or blank notecard pack. Or a stress ball. Or a little stuffed animal? Anything that could be regifted easily in case the recipient isn't a fan of forced gifts either. 😉

[Ausmumof3]

1 minute ago, Lori D. said:

@prairiewindmomma is much kinder than I am. 😉 This ^^^ is a much better idea.

How about running through the Dollar Store and pick up a $1 item -- a little packet of stickers for encouragement or that are funny. Or a candle. Or blank notecard pack. Or a stress ball. Or a little stuffed animal? Anything that could be regifted easily in case the recipient isn't a fan of forced gifts either. 😉

Most of those items are around $5 here, unless you’re really lucky to find clearance.

[Lori D.]

Just now, Ausmumof3 said:

Most of those items are around $5 here, unless you’re really lucky to find clearance.

🥴😵

Wow. All of those are common items at our local Dollar Store, which finally, last year, went up to $1.25 per item (from $1). Sorry you're in such a high COA area!!!

[prairiewindmomma]

Fwiw, YouTube has a bazillion kawaii very simple tutorials you can do with a piece of copy paper from work and a pen in under 10 minutes. 
 

You could draw the bear without the strawberry and say simply, “sending a hug to help you get through the day”

 

[Ausmumof3]

2 minutes ago, Lori D. said:

🥴😵

Wow. All of those are common items at our local Dollar Store, which finally, last year, went up to $1.25 per item (from $1). Sorry you're in such a high COA area!!!

Well, we have higher wages as well. It’s mostly that more generally I’ve noticed with the last year of inflation whenever I’m looking for a gift type item it’s a lot more than I expect. 

[Elizabeth86]

Ugh. I feel stressed out for you. I hate expectations like this! Can you bake something super easy and super cheap?

[Kassia]

2 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Ugh. I feel stressed out for you. I hate expectations like this! Can you bake something super easy and super cheap?

or even a special baking mix? We have some places that carry local baking mixes - muffins, cookies, pancakes, breads...

[kbutton]

1 hour ago, thatfirstsip said:

You're not the only one. Existing socially or professionally in an economic class you're not actually part of is fraught with these things. It's like when my kid's school wants every kid to fork up $25 for a field trip t-shirt twice a year.

We live in this exhausting space socially and professionally and mostly have for 20+ years. We have been mostly comfortable, but we're at a tight space and will be until kids are finished being educated.

DH has to listen to people who make more than twice he does whine about money--some of these people come from money besides having money and are married to similar people. Think wine caves and gated neighborhoods with million dollar houses. He can do 80% of what they do, and he does have a little more leeway in his productivity level at work in his specific role, but otherwise, he's dealing with the same clientele and 80% of the same responsibilities (life, death, disability, and the very real threat of malpractice suits).

Then he has to listen to different people with different jobs that affect his job whine about working conditions, and this other group are people who make almost as much as him, but they actually get lunch breaks, etc. and have many, many workplace protections that he does not. Meanwhile, he can be sent home from work if it's too slow, told to go in late if it's slow, and has to stay late or come early on demand as well. He is paid hourly, so this bites. He is lucky to get a moment to pee or eat during shifts that range from 6 hours to sometimes 12. All of this is at work.

Some of the people whining from both directions do not pull their weight. Fun times. And of all the places he's worked, this is the workplace where people have been the nicest about not complaining and about pulling their weight.

So, yeah, doing this sort of thing would NOT go over well with DH.

[footballmom]

What about a puzzle? It’s something that can be very relaxing, could do it solo, with a family or with a class. And a cute note about how “puzzling” it can be to fit self care time in, but so important! 

[JustEm]

I would be writing HR about this situation and telling them that you will not participate in an unpaid activity that is harmful to your well-being.

[thatfirstsip]

5 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

I would be writing HR about this situation and telling them that you will not participate in an unpaid activity that is harmful to your well-being.

Or in an unpaid activity as an hourly, not salaried, worker. I suspect a lot of people there are on salary, but as an hourly I doubt they can force you to do anything they're not paying you for.

[JustEm]

1 minute ago, thatfirstsip said:

Or in an unpaid activity as an hourly, not salaried, worker. I suspect a lot of people there are on salary, but as an hourly I doubt they can force you to do anything they're not paying you for.

True

[kbutton]

23 minutes ago, footballmom said:

What about a puzzle? It’s something that can be very relaxing, could do it solo, with a family or with a class. And a cute note about how “puzzling” it can be to fit self care time in, but so important! 

Good idea! You can find nice ones to buy used around here.

[Ali in OR]

We all rely on "desk chocolate" to get through stressful days. An excellent $3 chocolate bar would be much appreciated by most of our department.

[Katy]

22 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

I would be writing HR about this situation and telling them that you will not participate in an unpaid activity that is harmful to your well-being.

Yes, it’s definitely not legal in the US.