Funny or not? (boy/girl issue)

[BakersDozen]

Hive input, please! Found out tonight that a boy on my dd's hockey team found out his best friend likes dd. Boy sent his friend a text message, supposedly from my dd. Dd did not know this was happening until Sunday at a tournament when the boy, along with a few other players, were laughing and she heard her name mentioned a few times. Her response was for them to be careful - she honestly did not know what to do. I only found out because apparently many of the other players and even parents now know what is going on. But the boy who likes my dd doesn't have a clue - he sat in the locker room smiling at my dd tonight and it was...awkward.

Once I found out (by accident) tonight, most of the players/families had gone home. Personally, I'm really ticked because my girls conduct themselves with a lot of maturity and poise, they don't flirt, etc. They have worked hard to be part of a team and they are there for hockey and nothing else. I also despise having "fun" with someone else's feelings. So here are these players snickering and giggling tonight, we don't know what is being said "by my daughter" to this kid, and I am just not OK with this.

I do not like embarrassing others and I fear that is what could happen here.

WWYD?

Dd has reached out to the original "best friend" and asked him and the others to please stop the texts because she doesn't know what is being said "by her" and she is worried about possible humiliation for the other kid.

Am I wrong in not finding any of this in any way funny? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

[fraidycat]

I feel bad for your DD and for the other kid. 
 

You are not wrong, it is not in any way funny. 
 

Is there any way that your DD would feel comfortable enough to reach out to the other boy and let him know that any messages he receives from "her" are really not from her. If not her to him, could you speak to his parent on behalf of both the kids before this goes any further.

I think that this needs to be stopped quickly and is probably something that the coach should know about, too. This is intentional teasing, bordering on bullying toward that poor boy who has an innocent crush on your daughter. The coach needs to put their foot down on all of the ones who are in on the (not a) "joke".

Edited April 18, 2023 by fraidycat

[BakersDozen]

1 minute ago, fraidycat said:

I feel bad for your DD and for the other kid. 
 

You are not wrong, it is not in any way funny. 
 

Is there any way that your DD would feel comfortable enough to reach out to the other boy and let him know that any messages he receives from "her" are really not from her. If not her to him, could you speak to his parent on behalf of both the kids before this goes any further.

I think that this needs to be stopped quickly and is probably something that the coach should know about, too. This is intentional teasing, bordering on bullying toward that poor boy who has an innocent crush on your daughter. The coach needs to put their foot down on all of the ones who are in on the (not a) "joke".

We kicked around the idea for dd to contact a parent, but then realized that perhaps this was a crush he had not voiced to them? And would that make things even more awkward for him? He is our main concern - he's a sweet kid and new to hockey, and he's also not part of the travel team group which is even more unfair as they are the ones doing this.

Dd got the instigator's phone # and contacted him this evening, expressed her concern and wish for this to not just stop but for the other kid to know it was not her. The response was immediate and affirmative that it was only meant as a joke and would stop.

The coach knew. Some of the parents knew. That is really, really bothering me a lot. 😞

Had a talk w/my dc about what is expected as far as behavior when with the hockey team. They also see how fast things spread - it went from one kid to a few to most of the team involved. That is not OK.


 

[fraidycat]

@BakersDozen if this is something the coach was aware of and they didn't put a stop to it, I would be expressing my bitter disappointment to them in that regard. This is absolutely something that the coach should have addressed the moment they became aware of it.

I don't think his parents need to know about the crush to be told that their kid is receiving messages that are not from who he thinks they're from.

"It has come to my attention that BoyA is sending messages to your son, pretending he is my DD.  I want your son to know that those messages are not from my DD. Some kids think this is a joke, but DD and I do not."

Edited April 18, 2023 by fraidycat

[BakersDozen]

3 minutes ago, fraidycat said:

@BakersDozen if this is something the coach was aware of and they didn't put a stop to it, I would be expressing my bitter disappointment to them in that regard. This is absolutely something that the coach should have addressed the moment they became aware of it.

Yeah...it is weighing heavily on me.

[fraidycat]

Just now, BakersDozen said:

Yeah...it is weighing heavily on me.

I edited. I still think you should contact the parent.

[wathe]

Not funny and not OK.  And almost certainly breaks the organization's code of conduct.  

Find you org's code of conduct and review it.  There are likely lines like "Respect the rights, dignity, and worth of all Individuals" and "Maintain and enhance the dignity and self-esteem of members" and "Treating persons fairly, reasonably, and respectfully" and "a respectful sport culture that delivers quality, inclusive, accessible, welcoming, and safe, sport experiences", etc (pulled from my kid's sport's code of conduct).

This is, at the very least, harrassment.  And if there is a social power imbalance and pattern of this particular kid being singled out, then also bullying.  It is also gendered harrassment.  I would be all over this, and take it to the board if I didn't get anywhere with the team's coach and parents.

Edited April 18, 2023 by wathe

[wathe]

 

Adding: your DD is a victim here too.   Her identity has been stolen and and used to emotionally manipulate another kid.  NOT OK.

[Arcadia]

It’s impersonation and that’s wrong. I would be unhappy that the coach seems to be condoning the behavior. 

[easypeasy]

ok, I am assuming that the boy texted his friend from an unknown number or created a new account on a group me/other type of chat app? Like, he didn't use HER phone/texting app, right?

What I would do (I have two daughters, and man, we have BTDT with this sort of silliness):

1) Have your DD get the boy-who-has-the-crush's phone number if she doesn't have it already. Ask anyone for it.

2) Text this boy-with-crush and say something along this:

Hey! This is *daughter's name.* So, someone gave me a head's up today that you have been getting text message from someone saying they are me. I don't know what they are saying in those messages, but I just wanted to let you know that I have not texted you at all. I don't know who is, but they need to stop impersonating me bc it isn't funny, Anyway, just wanted to let you know that whoever is texting you isn't me.

This gives that boy a heads up so he can stop flirt/texting someone who isn't her. Plus, when she says she doesn't know what is being said on those messages, it helps him save face a bit (meaning she's not telling him she knows he has a crush on her....).

3) She already let the perpetrator know and they said it would stop. I would trust that for the time being and move on.

It's weird but a LOT of people would see this as awww, shucks, kids/puppy love is cute and funny and shrug it off. Hopefully the boy-with-crush feels this way when all is said and done. And, honestly, it won't cause longterm harm to him - it's prob a weird/awkward way for the established boys to welcome him into their group (I am NOT condoning it, just trying to see it from other peoples' perspectives).

Edited April 18, 2023 by easypeasy

[Ausmumof3]

It would make me super mad on my daughter’s behalf. If you have contact details for the boy and your daughter can handle the conversation the best thing would be for her to contact or speak to him directly and let him know it’s not her.

[Kassia]

I'd be really upset too and even more so since the coach knew.  I'm not sure exactly how I would handle it but I feel like the coach should address everyone involved and straighten this out.  Seems like that might be difficult if he thinks of it was just a joke but it's definitely not.  

[SKL]

It's not funny.

I'm not sure the best way to handle it.  I mean it would be best if the "friend" fessed up to the recipient of the fake messages, but will that happen?  How would one make that happen?  Next would maybe be for a mutual friend of both (male preferably) to spill the beans.  Are there any decent boys who would do that to save the boy and girl victims more humiliation?

[Clemsondana]

This isn't kind and I don't find it to be funny, but it doesn't seem unusual as the sort of thing that young teen boys do and think is hilarious.  My kids are on a slack channel for a team that they are on and recently a couple of the teen boys changed their username and associated icon to match somebody else so that they could confuse people.  And, as an adult in charge, i would recognize it as a problem but it wouldn't always be clear what I could do about it - I mean, at this point you know as much as the coach and are also unclear about how to handle it, and coaches walk a fine line with how to intervene in interpersonal situations with the kids.  I work with youth at church where part of what people know that we do is to work with the kids about how they interact with each other and it's still not always clear exactly how and how much to get involved (although this situation would certainly present places to talk about meanness and honesty).  Tech makes this easier, but even back in the day kids passed notes that pretended to be from the object of a crush to see what happened.  

I would have your daughter text the boy and say something similar to what was suggested above, something in her own words along the lines of: Hi, it's Girl!  I heard that some teammates had sent some text claiming to be from me.  This is my number, and those other texts were not from me.  I don't like them pretending to be me and I don't think that them trying to prank you is funny.    

[Katy]

Not at all funny. 

[Danae]

I would NOT have her text the boy.  If she does that he has no way of knowing if the new text is from her and the original texts were a prank or if the original texts were from her and the new text is a prank.  
 

The kindest thing to do would be to say to him, in person, that she’s heard someone is texting him pretending to be her but it is not her.

[Scarlett]

How old is your daughter?  If she is a minor and the boy impersonating her is a minor I would contact the boy and/or the parents directly and tell them to knock it off.  
 

In addition I would have someone tell the victim boy in person that the texts are not from your daughter. 

This is cruel and bullying behavior.  It just boils my blood. 

[lmrich]

I  usually like for kids to sort out themselves, but  this crosses a major line. The boy who did this is dipping into becoming a master manipulator. I would tell his parents. 

Listen to the podcast  - Something Was Wrong. 

[gardenmom5]

I would take the bull by the horns and go to the boy (in person, or phone call - not a text) who is receiving the texts and let him know his (so-called) "friend" is the one sending the texts, not her.  Say something nice about the boy, but she's there for hockey, yada, yada.  It could be even better if she did this in front of the texter and the texter's supporters and when he denies it, demand his phone to show the text messages he's sent. 

the boy sending the texts - doesn't deserve to have his feelings protected.

Edited April 18, 2023 by gardenmom5

[gardenmom5]

8 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

 

Dd got the instigator's phone # and contacted him this evening, expressed her concern and wish for this to not just stop but for the other kid to know it was not her. The response was immediate and affirmative that it was only meant as a joke and would stop.

The coach knew. Some of the parents knew. That is really, really bothering me a lot. 😞

Had a talk w/my dc about what is expected as far as behavior when with the hockey team. They also see how fast things spread - it went from one kid to a few to most of the team involved. That is not OK.


 

I've seen many reports that one of the best ways to stop a bully - is to embarrass them in front of their supporters.  if this isn't stopped - it will get worse for the other boy and your daughter.

I don't know what calling the bullies parents would do - unless you emphasize there could be legal repercussions for him impersonating another person.   

I dealt with a boy like this when I was in jr high. it was harassment, and there were no adults willing to step in to stop it.  he was a real jerk.  If he continued down that path, I would expect he'd have ended up fired from a job. or worse, for that type of behavior.

after making him have to eat his words . . . he never bothered me again.

eta: I'm just cynical - but I wouldn't believe the instigator that it would stop until there is evidence.

AND/BUT - in the meantime, the other boy still thinks  your dd texted him and unless he is informed, he will continue to think so.  The bully needs to admit it to the boy and *apologize* for doing so - otherwise your dd is still going to be seen as the "texter" by the boy with the crush.

Edited April 18, 2023 by gardenmom5

[wathe]

UCCMS is a Canadian national universal code of conduct that most Canadian amateur sports orgs are bound to.   It's a very good example of what behaviours are not acceptable (and would definitely apply to the situation you describe).  USA or your state may have something similar?  It might be helpful to use a source of language/themes/concepts to guide in dealing with your situation.

OP, I think that your situation merits a response at the team/org level, not just you talking to individual parents.  It sounds as though multiple team members are involved - your DD, the boy, and the few other team members who were laughing along.  At the very least expectations regarding behaviour need to be reviewed with the whole team, at a team level (in addition to individually dealing with all team-mates involved with this incident, including the laugh-alongers))

[BakersDozen]

Sorry for disappearing - we had travel tournaments and are gearing up for State.

My dd has addressed the situation with the boy himself (no texts - she doesn't even have a phone so I'm not sure how that all went down with the instigator). She kept it casual, he shrugged and said it was fine. But it was awkward and he's a decent kid, so I am still really angry. But mostly I'm angry with their coach. This is a young man whom we hold in the highest of regard - he not just their coach, he is a good friend of the family. I approached him and expressed how I was feeling, and he said that he views it as "kids will be kids." I was very silent and just looked at him, and then informed him (nicely) of how I feel about that idiotic view (I withheld the word 'idiotic'). He's also a dad to 2 very young dds, so he's not yet in the world of raising teen girls.

I'm deeply disappointed in him and that he did nothing.

His view is that stuff like this happens and kids, including ours, need to learn to be assertive and not be afraid to say something. OK...but these are still kids. And our dd had never encountered anything like that before.

I am very much realizing that I am not part of the on-line, connected society and culture these kids are. I grew up with passing notes in class or leaving messages on machines (or hanging up real quick before the guy I liked actually answered the phone). I grew up with gossip and not-funny jokes/pranks, but this messaging thing - the ability to impersonate someone so easily - is shocking to me.

I feel old.

The good thing about this is that it happened in a situation where our entire family is involved and present. So all of the kids have heard our talk about respecting other's privacy, not embarrassing others in a way we think is funny, not gossiping, not lying, etc. And they've heard how very, very easy it is to use social media/technology to do harm to others.

[Farrar]

Kids will be kids, which is why we tell them to cut it out when we catch them at it and then quickly forgive them since we know their brains are still developing and they're still learning. Kids will be kids means we know it happens, not we let it happen.

[Indigo Blue]

7 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

Sorry for disappearing - we had travel tournaments and are gearing up for State.

My dd has addressed the situation with the boy himself (no texts - she doesn't even have a phone so I'm not sure how that all went down with the instigator). She kept it casual, he shrugged and said it was fine. But it was awkward and he's a decent kid, so I am still really angry. But mostly I'm angry with their coach. This is a young man whom we hold in the highest of regard - he not just their coach, he is a good friend of the family. I approached him and expressed how I was feeling, and he said that he views it as "kids will be kids." I was very silent and just looked at him, and then informed him (nicely) of how I feel about that idiotic view (I withheld the word 'idiotic'). He's also a dad to 2 very young dds, so he's not yet in the world of raising teen girls.

I'm deeply disappointed in him and that he did nothing.

His view is that stuff like this happens and kids, including ours, need to learn to be assertive and not be afraid to say something. OK...but these are still kids. And our dd had never encountered anything like that before.

I am very much realizing that I am not part of the on-line, connected society and culture these kids are. I grew up with passing notes in class or leaving messages on machines (or hanging up real quick before the guy I liked actually answered the phone). I grew up with gossip and not-funny jokes/pranks, but this messaging thing - the ability to impersonate someone so easily - is shocking to me.

I feel old.

The good thing about this is that it happened in a situation where our entire family is involved and present. So all of the kids have heard our talk about respecting other's privacy, not embarrassing others in a way we think is funny, not gossiping, not lying, etc. And they've heard how very, very easy it is to use social media/technology to do harm to others.

I understand what you’re saying. When one of my sons was in boy scouting, he was being physically bullied by an older and larger boy. Probably late middle school/early high school age. I finally had a talk with the leader, who had become sort of a friend and was also his karate teacher. I was so shocked that his answer was basically a shoulder shrug. Then he gave an anecdote about how the same boy was picking on HIS son, and how his son had stood up for himself physically. He then gave an example. It felt like “my son put him in his place just fine. I don’t understand why your son can’t.”

What a huge missed opportunity to actually make an effort to  instill character and integrity in the young boys at such a crucial time in their development, and also setting a good example and addressing the situation would be in keeping with all the things Boy Scouts stands for in regard to helping young boys grow into mature men. I was confused and disappointed at his lack of concern. 
 

Because if a coworker kept flipping you off a picnic table backward at the company outing, it would be handled much differently. 
 

Yes, kids will be kids, but we adults should handle it in a mature, adult-like way and hope we make a difference. Ok. Rant over. 

Edited April 28, 2023 by Indigo Blue
Wanted to elaborate just a bit more

[Tree Frog]

5 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

His view is that stuff like this happens and kids, including ours, need to learn to be assertive and not be afraid to say something. OK...but these are still kids. And our dd had never encountered anything like that before.

It is difficult to be assertive when one doesn't know they're involved in the situation.

Once your dd knew, she could handle it. But often, it's a much bigger problem when they find out and more difficult to contain, especially for kids. 

[gardenmom5]

7 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

Sorry for disappearing - we had travel tournaments and are gearing up for State.

My dd has addressed the situation with the boy himself (no texts - she doesn't even have a phone so I'm not sure how that all went down with the instigator). She kept it casual, he shrugged and said it was fine. But it was awkward and he's a decent kid, so I am still really angry.  

I'd be concerned it was just saving face.

or that he has low self-esteem and figured he was just being toyed with (even if it wasn't by her.).

I don't need to address the "kids will be kids" - and the retort to that is and "adults *need* to be adults".  (which is sadly lacking today.  too many keep acting like teenagers)

[Clemsondana]

9 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

I am very much realizing that I am not part of the on-line, connected society and culture these kids are. I grew up with passing notes in class or leaving messages on machines (or hanging up real quick before the guy I liked actually answered the phone). I grew up with gossip and not-funny jokes/pranks, but this messaging thing - the ability to impersonate someone so easily - is shocking to me.

 

I think the thing is that for many kids, texting is just the same as paper notes were for us.  My mom, now in her 70s, told a story about people passing notes pretending to be from somebody else to see what a kid would do.  Boys would get a girl to write the note so that it had typical 'girl' writing.  I don't remember it being common, but due to various things I rarely had classes with my friends so passing notes wasn't really a part of my school life.  But, as I hit the teen years, my mom warned me to never respond to notes in writing, and instead to talk in person to whoever was supposed to have sent the note, to avoid just this situation.  I don't think that we would have expected a coach or teacher to get involved in a situation like that unless the kids weren't able to work it out on their own.  Some adults might have, but thinking back to my time in school, I don't think that most would unless the students had attempted to fix it and couldn't come to a resolution.  Getting involved in teen interactions outside of practice/class itself has always been a gray area, in my experience.

We've had a related situation at our co-op, where some teens created a group on...instagram, maybe?...similar to the name of our official 'co-op teen activities' group and start planning a party that...would not have been teen council-approved.  The adults were told and decided to keep an eye on it while the teens who had initially seen the copycat went and posted that this was NOT the official group and not a sanctioned party.  The fake group quickly fizzled - from the time that we found out until it died out was maybe 1/2 of a day. We were prepared to step in if needed, but wanted to give the teens a chance to fix the problem by themselves with just some coaching, which they did.  They learned a skill and will likely be more confident that they can resolve such issues in the future.  Had the activity been imminent we would have stepped in more quickly, but there was time to make this a teaching tool for the kids involved - that they could fix problems, that things posted on social media were visible to lots of people, including adults, that other teens didn't find the shenanigans to be appropriate...it's been a few years and nothing similar has happened again, so the lesson appears to have stuck.  

Edited April 28, 2023 by Clemsondana

[Spy Car]

Not funny in the least. This is harassment and it needs to be shut down.

Go to the coach. If he is not responsive then move up the chain of command.

Sorry your daughter is having to deal with this crap.

Bill