Being Left Behind

[fairfarmhand]

How, as an involved mom, do you work through the feeling of being left behind when your kids move out? 

My dd21 is moving out soon and I am excited for her in one sense. But dang. I will miss her so much. She's my easy kid and she sees things so similarly to how I see them so there's a natural closeness there. But every time we box things up and talk about the new place there's still a knife in my heart. 

My brain knows that this is a natural part of parenting and I will be okay. I have  4 kids. The oldest moved out under some strained circumstances so it was a bit of a relief. But it feels like going from 3 to 2 kids at home means the house will be so much more empty. 

There's also some complicated drama around my dd21s decision and that's not helping.

[Scarlett]

15 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

How, as an involved mom, do you work through the feeling of being left behind when your kids move out? 

My dd21 is moving out soon and I am excited for her in one sense. But dang. I will miss her so much. She's my easy kid and she sees things so similarly to how I see them so there's a natural closeness there. But every time we box things up and talk about the new place there's still a knife in my heart. 

My brain knows that this is a natural part of parenting and I will be okay. I have  4 kids. The oldest moved out under some strained circumstances so it was a bit of a relief. But it feels like going from 3 to 2 kids at home means the house will be so much more empty. 

There's also some complicated drama around my dd21s decision and that's not helping.

You tell me. I don’t think there is a real answer.   It isn’t easy.  Sorry you are having a rough time though. 

[regentrude]

It's tough. It took me two years to process. I wrote a lot, and my first book is about that time. I think it all starts with acknowledging that this is legitimately grieving. It's a loss, and you need time to mourn. Even if society downplays it and ridicules parents who have a hard time with that transition. It IS a major life transition. 

What helped me was embracing the availability of all the time and energy I put into the kids and coming up with a way to use that for myself. It was a process; took me a year to figure out what that thing was. 

But really,  the empty nest can be good. I still miss the kids but I am also very happy with the new Me that was able to come out when I had time and mental space to focus on myself.

Edited January 10, 2023 by regentrude

[QueenCat]

I don't know that I felt left behind, but I felt the need to fill empty time that I no longer needed for the oldest. Youngest has Aspergers/autism and still lives at home but doesn't require a lot from me on a daily basis. When we still lived in TN, some of that need was met by continuing to work at the homeschool tutorial. With each move since, I've done different things to fill that empty time. 

[Anne]

I think there is just some grieving that has to happen before you can take the next step.  Two things that helped me were:  reminding myself frequently that this was really a good thing for my child, and that Independence was something I’d been dreaming and working for since she was born.  Planning something for myself to look forward to - a reminder that I could do things alone!  🙂.   

Hugs, mama - it will get easier!

Anne

[fraidycat]

You allow yourself time and space to feel all the feelings. Grieve what was, accept what is, celebrate what will be. 

I haven't had a kid move out yet, but as a military family we had to say "see ya later" a lot. There's always a transition period until the new becomes normal.

If necessary, give yourself a "moping" deadline before you "have to" start thinking about the future and what you want to do to fill your time.

Change is hard. Big hugs.
 

[Loowit]

I have been wondering this myself a lot this last year.  I try to focus on the fact that they are transitioning pretty well so far, and even though it feels like it they aren't leaving me behind so much as pursing their dreams.  I am also trying to figure out what I want to do with my life moving forward.  I have about a year and a half until I retire from homeschooling, so I figure I should have some idea of what I want to do.  Moving on to my own adventures outside of my kids I guess.

[Hannah]

My eldest moved out for university in 2019, then we got bonus time with her during Covid and online learning and she's living on her own again now.  Youngest is starting Uni next month.  It is going to be very quiet here without her.

I've enrolled in a university course for myself.  I'm hoping to change careers completely when I retire from corporate life and this is the first step towards qualifying to do that.

ETA:  Eldest lived an hour away and both will be about 1h45 away this coming year, so we will hopefully see them very often.

Edited January 10, 2023 by Hannah

[fairfarmhand]

I’m cleaning today. And ok, won’t lie. It will be ok that I won’t have as much cleaning and dishes to take care of.

[Grace Hopper]

52 minutes ago, fraidycat said:

You allow yourself time and space to feel all the feelings.

Yes. It’s been a few months for me as I feel like I’ve let go piece by piece over the last year. I have let myself sleep - actually sleep - a lot. I said to my husband just yesterday that I am finally feeling like I’m “caught up” from years of sleep deprivation and slowing down to process and begin to take in this new season of life. Give yourself time to feel all the feelings and adjust. 

My kids and I have talked about how the beginning of college (or simply moving out to independently adult) is a key time for a a person to reinvent herself. I’ve realized that applies to me, too.
 

For a season, I was a single young adult. For a season, I was married with no kids. 
For a season, I was a very engaged mother. 
Now, a fresh season. 
 

FWIW, I think my dh is having as hard a time as I am. I think it’s important to acknowledge that, too. 

(((hugs))) to FFH and all here feeling all the feels associated with this life milestone.  

[kbutton]

Mine hasn't flown the nest yet (going into blue collar work, so he'll likely stay at home for a bit), but this is something I think about daily. My older one is very good company, and he really likes to do projects together. I will miss my younger one too, but I think it will hit differently. It's also entirely possible that #1 will leave home about the time that #2 heads to college. 😬 We'll see!

Hugs!

[Soror]

Aww (hugs). I had a somewhat similar experience when my kiddos went to school. I know I've talked about this incessantly.  And maybe it won't apply but in case it does I'll put it out there. It was the most difficult to have dd1 leave because we were the closest. She was like my mini me. Always mature for her age and she was just getting to the age where we could talk about more. She was in school the first time for 3 months. The younger 2 came home after 3 days and ds stayed in. There was still a fair amount of pain when she came back because at that point things were irrevocably different. But after I made it through the pain of it I realized that the change was good for her. It was her chance to come into her own. She's not as much like me as she once was and that is right and good as she is her own person. There were lots of bumps in that process but we are once again really close in a different way. Your daughter will grow and change from this. And you will too, who knows what you will be on the other side. It is an opportunity for you and her to grow and your relationship to evolve. Change is hard. And like others mentioned we are often not given that space to grieve these changes. I say grieve however much feels right for you. No one else can dictate that for you. I'm coming up on my first leaving the house this summer and wondering how that will feel with that change. I don't feel it will be as difficult with my first because ds and I aren't near as close but who knows, it is so hard to guess. DD1 has 2 more years before she graduates and I'm really, really hoping that because we had the separation before it will blunt it some because I really, really don't want to go through so much pain again. Time will tell.

(hugs) (hugs) (hugs)

Edited January 10, 2023 by Soror

[klmama]

My youngest, just-like-me dc moved to college this year.  It was hard. I've struggled to find new purpose, but I've come to realize that it doesn't have to be something big.  For now I'm glad to be available to help out friends and family.  In between those times, I work on myself and my home, doing those things I've put off for years.  It's good.  

Edited January 10, 2023 by klmama

[Corbster98]

I don't have any real answer but wanted to just let you know I resonate so much with your post. This transition phase is very much a grieving process of sorts and I am finding myself in the middle of this life transition as well. It is hard. Some days are easier than others. Hugs to you Momma. 

My husband retired from 26 yrs active Army service just over a year ago and that has been such a huge life transition in so many ways. I just finished 14 years of homeschooling this past May along with a schedule of both of my boys being year-round competitive swimmers for 11 years.  My oldest son graduated college in May and is now an active duty soldier stationed far away from us- though his college was across the country too. My youngest is here on his Christmas break from college in KS and has decided that instead of coming home this summer in between his freshman/ sophomore years, he just wants to find an apartment and stay in Kansas now as he works on completing his college. I support that decision and understand but the 'involved' mommy in me feels so sad for myself as I was not expecting to have to let go just quite yet. The house feels so empty in ways. I am thankful to have my 2 Newfoundlands that keep me busy and provide lots of snuggles too.... along with the revolving door of in/out/in/ out all day long. 

I am also trying to figure out how to fill my days now that I have all of this time that I have not been used to. In some ways it is a much needed respite and I am appreciating this new season of life. In other ways, I am sad and feel empty and somewhat directionless.

This is just another season that we walk through as life moves forward. I am sure in time this season will become a blessing but for now it is a mixed bag of so many different emotions. I am working on me again and trying to determine what brings me purpose and joy in life as so much of that came from my role as a full-time mother. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

I resonate with your post as well. Beginning 2020, none of my kids were in serious relationships at all, Oldest DD met her husband and they got engaged and married quickly. Then younger quickly followed and within a timespan of about 2 years, 3 of my kids got engaged and two have gotten married. When DDs and SILs were dating, they spent a ton of time at our house. So my house went to a busy household of 6 to a busy household of 8-9 most of the time. And now, suddenly, it is very often just 3-4 of us. It is so weird. Granted, I cannot complain, I get a lot of time with my adult kiddos and multiple times a month it will still be all 8-9 of us but most of the time it is so quiet. It is weird to say the least and I definitely had a few months of mourning. I didn't realize that was what it was at the time though. 

It is hard and I wish I had answers, it isn't a small change for us, is it? It is a life altering change.

Edited January 10, 2023 by Ann.without.an.e

[Grace Hopper]

Ok so I’ve been thinking about this and making a connection and now I have a confession that must be made. This is pure honesty. 
 

I am jealous. 
 

There’s a part of me that longs to be at that stage of life again. I mean, not in a million years would I want to relive middle school, or even high school, but I remember setting off to college with a fresh slate and adventures waiting. I would do it differently, knowing what I know now, but just the feeling of that…. freedom? Freshness? Opportunity? Life change? All of that, I think. 
 

Anyway, I have to recognize that there’s a true conflation of emotions going on with me at this stage of life. Definitely missing my children, but also, yeah, jealous that I’m not in their shoes, able to fly. So there’s that. 

[Corbster98]

14 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

Ok so I’ve been thinking about this and making a connection and now I have a confession that must be made. This is pure honesty. 
 

I am jealous. 
 

There’s a part of me that longs to be at that stage of life again. I mean, not in a million years would I want to relive middle school, or even high school, but I remember setting off to college with a fresh slate and adventures waiting. I would do it differently, knowing what I know now, but just the feeling of that…. freedom? Freshness? Opportunity? Life change? All of that, I think. 
 

Anyway, I have to recognize that there’s a true conflation of emotions going on with me at this stage of life. Definitely missing my children, but also, yeah, jealous that I’m not in their shoes, able to fly. So there’s that. 

I totally get what you are saying and that makes perfect sense to me. 

[Eos]

Listening, learning, terrified that this will be me next fall.  Sending gentle hugs.

[Harriet Vane]

I am right there with you. In the last eighteen months both kids got engaged and married. I adore their spouses. I am proud of what they are all doing in career and school. And I miss them so much!!! Plus I miss the long, beautiful stage of kids-in-the-house.

I remind myself over and over that a successful launch is a good thing. I make plans regularly to see them and we do weekly Zoom calls and some texting/talking in between. I savor the time I have with them and do my best to rejoice in their adventures.

[TexasProud]

I was an involved mom, but I felt completely differently. When we dropped our first one off, my husband cried.  I did not. I was excited to see him try new things and live his life. ( Which I know you are fairfarmhand.) But my husband felt like you. He was so depressed and on the way home was like, now what are we going to do...  I was outwardly sympathetic, but inwardly I was like, WHAT DO YOU MEAN...  We can make love anywhere we want anytime we want. We can pick up and go somewhere whenever we want and not have to worry about being at a game or whatever.  I can explore writing. We can try new hobbies.  We can go traveling with friends or have more of them over.  The endless possibilities of things I couldn't do.  Motherhood made me feel a bit trapped to be honest.  However, my husband and most of my friends felt like you.  I will say that by the time the last one left the nest my husband was eagerly looking forward to it.  He really enjoys the empty nest and I have to admit that yes, I miss them.  So I think time will take care of some of it. 

[Melissa Louise]

My youngest ( and last child at home) moved out a month ago. 

I cried a lot after he moved out. I really miss him.  On the principle of the only way out is through, I just felt the miserable knife in chest feelings. 

I'm also spending more time with friends and my sibling, not crying, but doing fun stuff. 

I focus a lot on how happy I am ds felt ready for this step, and that  I am pleased he is capable of living independently.

But I won't lie - I miss him hard. I hug him hard when I see him. 

 

 

 

Edited January 10, 2023 by Melissa Louise
typo

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, Grace Hopper said:

Ok so I’ve been thinking about this and making a connection and now I have a confession that must be made. This is pure honesty. 
 

I am jealous. 
 

There’s a part of me that longs to be at that stage of life again. I mean, not in a million years would I want to relive middle school, or even high school, but I remember setting off to college with a fresh slate and adventures waiting. I would do it differently, knowing what I know now, but just the feeling of that…. freedom? Freshness? Opportunity? Life change? All of that, I think. 
 

Anyway, I have to recognize that there’s a true conflation of emotions going on with me at this stage of life. Definitely missing my children, but also, yeah, jealous that I’m not in their shoes, able to fly. So there’s that. 

I miss the optimism. The energy. The chance to have adventures and carve new paths. I understand you completely.

[lmrich]

3 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:

Ok so I’ve been thinking about this and making a connection and now I have a confession that must be made. This is pure honesty. 
 

I am jealous. 
 

There’s a part of me that longs to be at that stage of life again. I mean, not in a million years would I want to relive middle school, or even high school, but I remember setting off to college with a fresh slate and adventures waiting. I would do it differently, knowing what I know now, but just the feeling of that…. freedom? Freshness? Opportunity? Life change? All of that, I think. 
 

Anyway, I have to recognize that there’s a true conflation of emotions going on with me at this stage of life. Definitely missing my children, but also, yeah, jealous that I’m not in their shoes, able to fly. So there’s that. 

I was so upset dropping my son off at college for many reasons, but one of them was "man, I wish it was me! I LOVED college and the time after it." But now I can say that I have learned to love every  part of my life (except middle school) - even the crappy ones, so I know I will love or learn to love the next chapters too! 

[fairfarmhand]

It just blows my mind that this little person, who was a part of me, that I nurtured with my own body, who followed me around and makes the same facial expressions and hand gestures as me, the one who can finish my sentences can have a whole other life separate from me. 

Mind boggling. 

Welp. That went fast. 

[Melissa Louise]

3 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

I miss the optimism. The energy. The chance to have adventures and carve new paths. I understand you completely.

I feel as if this is something you get back - in a different way, the mature version - at least partially. 

[fairfarmhand]

Just now, Melissa Louise said:

I feel as if this is something you get back - in a different way, the mature version - at least partially. 

I sure hope so. Our family has been through so much that...jaded would be the best description of my attitude lately.

[Melissa Louise]

58 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

I sure hope so. Our family has been through so much that...jaded would be the best description of my attitude lately.

Sending hugs. It's tough x